Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Doctor forms

I had to fill out the forms when I went to the dermatologist yesterday, because I hadn't been there in years. One of of the questions was something like "Thoughts on sun exposure?" My answer: "I highly enjoy it! I thought that was pretty funny.

I broke out in hives on my train ride back. My right hand and arm are all itchy. Ugh!

I don't feel like eating dinner. Does that mean I have to? I guess I don't because I never eat when I don't want to. Okay, that's not true, if I am with people and have to eat, specifically my parents, then I do, but on my own I don't have to. Speaking of parents, they'll be back next weekend which means I will stress out every time I go home because I'll be afraid they'll say something about my weight and stuff. I wish I could just be completely open, but I can't do that. I just get annoyed and don't talk and get mean.

My freaking cat is howling again. He always howls.

My basement was still accumulating some water when I left the house. My poor parents are going to come home to a nasty, stinky house from the mold that I'm sure will grow in the next 10 days. Lovely and healthy!


I woke up at 3:30 this morning and have been up since. Fun times! Still water coming into my basement. Rain stopped, but still drizzly out. Cold and damp. I need a nap. I am cold so I'm sitting on the heating vent. My ass is burning though because it's hanging out of my jeans. Pretty site! That's all I have to say. Oh, I feel like I have hairballs in my chest from breathing in all the crap in my basement.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

That really was/is hellish

Well, Charro always says that my life is "hellish." Well today it kind of was. I knew I'd come home to some water in my basement, but I didn't expect there to be as much as there was. Ugh!! So I came home and checked it and it was everywhere. I couldn't find the hose attachment to the wet vac so I borrowed one from someone at work. So I surveyed the scene and then went into the office. From the office I went to the dermatologist. I had to get my staph issue checked out. She scraped behind me ear, where there was a staphy thing, and collected some blood. Then she scraped the one off of my next too. Both are being sent to the lab. I asked about my hives as well. Lucky for me, I actually broke out in some 2 hours before I went. They sort of went away but she could see a little of them. She said that I might need to get blood work done to see what they're all about because it could be a thyroid issue. Lovely. I am going to have my recent blood work results sent to her and then she'll let me know if I need more blood work done.

Left doctor and came home to my flooded mess. I wanted to get a massage today because my back is in knots, but that didn't happen. Guess my gift card will have to wait. So I spent 4 hours vacuuming and stuff. The vacuum I borrowed started throwing up at me, so that was no help. Then my dad remembered where the hose was for out wet vac and called and told me. So I used that. Now my lower back is killing me from bending over for four hours. Needless to say, I'm exhausted. Oh yeah, and I was awake for 2 hours last night for no reason. Lovely.

I don't remember if I wrote this yesterday, but I said to Charro, "I expect a hug on my last day here. " She said, "Of course!" Like it was obvious or something. :) My last day won't be for a while though. I joked that we'll be 95 and in wheelchairs. Okay, now I feel like I wrote that in my post yesterday. Oh well.

I need to go put my clothes in the dryer.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Oh yeah, I forgot

I registered to run a half marathon because a few of my friends are doing it. Well, we all know that I don't particularly enjoy running. I told Charro that I registered and she didn't think that it was such a great idea. She thinks it's going to bring on some ED stuff, but I don't think so. Maybe some competitive nature stuff, but I think that's it. She was like "Why are you running a half marathon?? You hate running!!" I know, I know!

New office, up next

Had my last day in Charro's temporary new office. We go into her real new office on Monday. Geez in a box, all of these office changes. Speaking of [GEEZ], she will be bring it to the new office. I still need to take a picture of that awesomeness that I made.

Charro said that I've gotten so much better at talking. In fact, her exact words were, when I asked if I still sucked at talking, "No, you really are getting better, I have to tell you. You've taken leaps and bounds, actually, in the past couple of weeks. I think meeting with S. really helped you." Yay for "leaps and bounds." :)

I guess I have nothing else to say.

Oh, so Charro was moving her leg and I said, "Are you trying to burn calories?" Shes said, "The thought didn't even cross my mind." I said, "I'm not trying to burn calories either, but you don't believe me, do you?" She said, "No, I don't." I said, "Why would I lie to you about that. I'm not here to lie to you." She said, "Okay, but let's both not do it because it's annoying."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

S. and Italian drugs

I don't know how this topic was brought up in my sesh with S. the other day, but it somehow was. She said, "Did you gain the weight that your therapist said you needed to gain?" I said no and then she said, "I thought you were afraid of getting fired." I said, yes, but that this all happened back in October and that we don't talk about weight anymore. She asked me how much weight I am "supposed" to gain so I told her. No need to hide it from her. I told her it's like the "don't ask don't tell" policy. I told her that Charro doesn't want to talk weight and numbers with me because she wants me to move away from my obsession with numbers. I wish S. and I had talked more about this but we got sidetracked and moved onto something else.

I'm definitely going to miss seeing S. I hope that I get to work with her in the second part of the study. That would make things so much easier because I know her and feel comfortable with her. I had to meet with someone else at the end of our sesh on Friday and the girl was like 12 years old. I didn't enjoy that too much. I felt dumb talking about my stupid stuff (it was just answering questionnaires) with a girl who is probably 8 year younger than I am. So the next part of the study is the mirror exposure part, so I definitely do NOT want to be with someone who is younger than I am. That really just makes me uncomfortable. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they let S. work with me again. It sounds like she would like to work with me, from what she said on Friday.

I am watching movies on Italy. I took my Italian drugs last night (allergy meds), and those things knock me out! I need to clean and take a nap. I think those things stay in me for 48 hours, and I only took 1! I was so not feeling like teaching class this morning with my allergy med. hangover.

Okay, back to my Italian movie.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Target Confessions

I want to start up "Target Confessions." Let me friend and I took our bi-weekly trip to Target this afternoon. While waiting in the checkout line, there was this little toy that you speak into and it records and then you can play it back. Being "that person" who has to touch every toy or stuffed animal that makes noise, I felt the need to try it out. So I recorded "I have an eating disorder" into it and played it back for my friend. Don't get too excited, she knows already. She's the one who brought me to Charro. I left the message on there and told her that we should do "Target Confessions" everytime we go in there. I think it's funny.

My sesh with Charro was good yesterday. I said to her, at the end, "we had a good chat today." I can't really remember details of what we talked about, but those will come back to me when I listen to the recording. I'm looking forward to seeing her on Monday. I feel like I have stuff to talk about, though I don't really know what it is. I definitely want to discuss the study with her and then whatever else may arise.

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I'm tired. I didn't get much sleep this week and I woke up at 6 AM for some reason this morning.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Last study day, part 1

I had my last day of the first part of the study today. I walked in and S. said, "I blocked out that this is our last session because I don't want it to be." I thought that was nice. We chatted and did our usual sesh and at the end I said, "So, can I ask you some questions now?" She said yes and I asked her if she wanted to get into the ED field. She said yes. I asked her what she wanted to do when she was done with her schooling. She said, "I want to do three things. I want to teach, do research, and have a private practice." I said, "How long will that be and will you let me know when you open your own practice?" She said "Four years" and I was like "FOUR YEARS!!" She said, "No, I guess it will be more like one." I said, "Okay, you keep me posted." I think those were the only questions I asked her. I did ask if I would have her for the next part of the study. She didn't know but would ask her supervisor. I told her that I really enjoyed working with her and she said, "I really liked working with you too." I believe her. I actually believe that she really likes me, which is a shocker.

I told her that I spoke highly of her to my friend who is a psychologist who specializes in E.D.s and gave her her card if she ever needed a mentor or had any questions about anything. S. said, "That's a great compliment coming from you since you judge people so much." (Or something like that).

So, I go back for my follow-up in a month, with some other person, and then we proceed from there. I'll write about Charro later, because I'm too tired to go there right now.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I walked into a car...

Nope, that's not the beginning of a joke, I actually did walk into a car...and it was a parked car!! I squished my hand and have a nice, big bump on it now. My talents are endless. It actually hurt when I did it. I hope it at least bruises nicely so I have something to show for it. You know how I like my battle wounds.

My friend and I went to get 88 cent manicures today. Yes, that is correct, it was only 88 CENTS! Gotta love that. My nail color..."Big Spender." Ha. I want to name nail polish for a living.

I had a stupid workout this afternoon. Well, we walked to the nail place and back, which was probably about 5 miles so I guess it's sort of okay. I wish I was teaching class tonight but I swapped with a girl and taught for her on Tuesday morning.

I think I need a nap. My friend (a different one) got to mail place around 11 last night. We stayed up chatting for a bit. She leave for L.A. tomorrow for good. :(

I don't think I'll get a good bruise. I never bruise. Maybe I'll vacuum...not that that has anything to do with what I was just talking about. :) My freaking cat is howling again!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I had 300 dreams last night. It was one of those nights that wouldn't end. I kept waking up and hoping it was morning so I could just get up, even though I love sleeping so much. Of course when it came time to wake up, I wanted to sleep.

Anyway, I had this dream I was meeting people at Grand Central Station to go for a power walk. It wasn't in the middle of the city and didn't look like it really looks in real life. So one of the people I was meeting was my friend from Italy. Another was Charro. I got outside and saw Charro smoking a Virginia Slims cigarette. HA! I was shocked. My other Italian friend was also smoking, and she's a runner. I was also shocked by that. I remember thinking,
oh, the two of them can speak Italian to each other.

So, that was my stupid dream. I've been having crazy ones lately. I had a good one the other night but I don't feel like writing about it. Basically these two women I know came up to me and said, "I know about your bulimia blog." I was like, "What? I don't even have a bulimia blog." I kept hiding from them as they were trying to confront me. Charro is really going to want to analyze that one when I tell it all to her.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Friday is the last day of my study. I'm guessing that I'll have to answer most of the questions that I answered on day one, to see what kind of progress I made. Well, I think it will be kind of funny (not ha ha funny) when my answers are worse than they were the first time. I don't mean that I got worse, I just mean that I am more aware of the types of things the questions asked me and realized that I probably do the things the questions asked more than I thought I did. For example, this study has either made me spend more of my time thinking about all of this ED stuff or it has made me realize how much time I spend thinking about it. I actually think it's made me think more about it, but who knows.

So I am going to do the second part of the study but I have to wait until after my one month follow up. I will ask S. more about it on Friday and ask her if she might possibly be my T. I hope so, since I already know her and feel comfortable with her and would probably be able to be more open and honest when it comes to staring at myself in a mirror and ripping apart parts of my body.

I saw the girl who takes my classes, the one I ran into when I was leaving the hospital the other day, this morning after I taught my class. Let's hope I don't see her this week while I'm there. I told her that I have a friend who works there, just in case I see her again. I guess it's okay, as long as I don't run into her on the psych floor.

I have to do laundry and I don't want to. I am sitting on my heating vent. Ahhhh...toasty.

I hate how weight fluctuates. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I like being at a "low" weight. I think it's all good, since I'm not really unhealthy. I still don't know if Charro has any idea what I weigh, but I'm thinking she might. She doesn't want to discuss numbers, which is totally fine with me. I guess if she thought there was a problem than she'd weigh me. I guess I won't worry about that then.

Okay, I need to decide if I want to run a half marathon. Let me check out the website.

Monday, March 22, 2010

"I'm onto you"

Charro and I were talking about how I get nervous when I have to see my parents and how it stresses me out every time I go home when they are there. Here's how the conversation went down:

"Because you feel like they'll notice you've lost weight, or just the same concern?


"Yeah what?"

(I laugh) "Do you like that answer?"

"I'm onto you."

I thought my "Yeah" answer was clever because it didn't specifically answer her question. I thought I'd get away with it but she caught on. Like she said, "I'm onto you." So, does that mean she can tell I lost weight? That I want to know too.

It's rainy today. For some reason my left leg got soaked going to Charro's. I really don't know how that happened and I didn't step on a s (Woah, I almost wrote "step on a scale)...I didn't step in a puddle or anything. It wasn't raining that hard either. It's a mystery.

I went to bed at 8:15 last night and I'm still tired. I need to go to the gym in a few minutes though then I'm meeting a couple of friends for dinner.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hot peppers

I guess it's not a good idea to eat hot pepper on an empty stomach. For a second there I thought I was going to puke. I sat down and feel better but who knows what will happen when I stand up. I made guac and put a cherry pepper in it. Guess I probably shouldn't have eating some of that. I was planning on making a real lunch but I ate some of the guac and now don't want one. Oh well. Maybe I'll have a real dinner.

I forgot that I need to take a shower. I should do that. I need to take a nap too. Teaching class woke me up this morning, which was good. It's a little colder than I thought it would be so I don't think laying out and napping will happen. Actually, I know it won't happen. Clouds are starting to roll in a bit too. My cat wants to type. Never mind, he just walked across me instead.

I need to clean before I go home on Tuesday. My friend is coming on Wednesday to stay with me for a few days. She just moved to L.A. and is coming back here to finish up her job.

Oh yeah...shower...

Yeah, that was pretty sweet

Okay, my friend and I went to this party last night. Yes, now I might die of tiredness and would really be okay if no one shows up to take aerobics today. Anyway, we got to the building and were like "Awesome freaking building." The freaking apartment was sweet! I can't even explain it. It was a modern one bedroom. Every room, including the "library" had huge flat screen tvs. There were windows every where. Everything was just so modern. Then there was the spiral staircase which led to his huge, private roof deck. Um...freaking sweet. A fire pit, mini fire things, lounge chairs, picnic table, and this huge bed-like lounge chair with a canopy thing over it. Well, it wasn't a canopy, but more like wood where grapevines would hang, if you could picture that. The views were cool. My hair stinks like a camp fire. It was awesome up there. My friend and I were like "This place is freaking awesome." I didn't even describe it well at all. All the furniture was that really expensive summer pool furniture. I can't even imagine living like that.

The three guys we met the night before were there. We talked to them the whole night. They're really nice but I wouldn't date any of them. Well, maybe one of them but I'm not really sure if he is gay or not. We can't figure that out. They're nice guys though.

I got home at 2:30 this morning. Ugh! Hanging out with Sfarky Sfarkerson later. I think laying out in the sun is a must.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

It's a beautiful day

I stopped by the ROAED conference today. It was interesting to hear girls and parents stories about eating disorder. I was only there for some of it because one of my friends was taking part in it.

I laid out today too. It was sooo beautiful again. The park was packed this morning when I went for a run. Every is so happy to be outside.

Tonight I'm going to some party with some guys I don't know at some guys place who I don't know. Sounds bad, right? My friends and I met these guys last night while we were at dinner. I was sitting right next to them and we started chatting. One invited us to this party so we figured, what the hell, we'll go. It apparently at this awesome apartment so I'm pretty much just going to see the apartment. It's some stock broker. Who knows who we'll meet there too. I expect it to be sketchy for some reason, but we shall see. Definitely going out later than I ever do, in fact, it's my bed time. Oh well. It will hopefully be fun.

Friday, March 19, 2010

I knew this would happen

I had a good sesh with Charro today. It's nice being back to twice a week. I think we're making headway.

Story time, I went into the the office the other day. I spoke to one of my co-workers that morning and she asked if I brought lunch (I was on the train). I said no, but I was planning on stopping to get something. (not a lie). So she asked if I wanted her to make me a chicken wrap. I said yes and all was good. I got to the office and said to another co-worker, whom she had also made a wrap for, that I felt bad that W. had made lunch for me. L. asked why, and I'm not sure why. Okay, now I can continue with where I was going with this. So I told Charro this story and she said that it's because I was "hording." What the hell am I hording? I don't know. She said that my brain is thinking that because it's underfed and I'm at a low weight, blah blah. I will get the exact words later when I listen to the tape. I didn't know where she was going with what she was saying at first, b/c it made no sense, and then it did. The whole "hording" was what was confusing me. Maybe it was a language barrier thing. Who knows.

Anyway, I then came home, changed into running clothes and went to the study. For some reason I just didn't feel like answering her questions today. I just felt like she was asking so many questions and I didn't have answers to them. At one point I said, "You sure ask a lot of questions." :) I know, it's her job. She said, "You seem like you don't want to be doing this today," or something like that. I told her how I felt stupid wearing running clothes and that my shorts were too short. I put a pillow over my legs when I got there and I said, "Yep, I'm covering my legs with this pillow. I'll just throw that out there now because I know you're going to be analyzing that anyway. Might as well just fess up to it." Then I said how I didn't want her to see me in a tank top because my arms are too fat. She said, "You're really critical of yourself." I said, "Not so much." Then, about part way through our sesh, I asked her if I could weigh myself. (The scale there looks like something that would be used to launch a missile. It's got all of these crazy buttons on it). She thought about it for a second and said, "I don't think so. I don't think that's a good idea." I said, "I don't mean right this second, just before I leave." Then I said, "I bet you still think that that's not such a good idea." She said, "Yeah, I don't think so." So then I told her that I didn't think she would let me but I wanted to see what she would say.

Ugh, so when I was leaving I heard someone shout my name. I was down in the lobby area and I thought it was S. because who the hell else knows me? Well, I had a fear that this would happen because it's near where I teach aerobics. It was a girl who takes my classes. BUSTED. Not really, I mean she didn't know what floor I was on or anything. So she asked me what I was doing there and the first thing that came out of my mouth was that I was "getting some water and going to the bathroom." Not really a good answer, but I was running. It was a bad answer. I wish I had said that I was visiting a friend or something. Now what if I see her again? I'm screwed.

It is SOOO NICE out again today. I went for a run in the park and then went back to the park with my friend and just sat there. I need to shower. I love Spring!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A video



It's a gorgeous day here today. 75 degrees and sunny. Beautiful!! More of the same tomorrow, so I will run in the park tomorrow, probably after my study since it's right next to the park. I'll feel stupid going to see S. in my running clothes but it makes sense for me to go straight from there instead of walking back here 1.5 miles, then back to the park. I mean, extra walking is good and all, but sometimes it gets to be annoying,

Today (or sometime around this date) my kitties turned 13. We celebrated with lots of kisses. I should get them something special but they don't really know the difference. :)

I have bruises on my finger and hand from playing the drums. I get a little out of control and hit myself with the sticks or on the cymbal. Ha!

Going to teach soon. It will be nice to have it sunny and bright while I'm in there. I painted my nails but they look crappy so that might have to come off.

I haven't heard from Martina's guy (who works for her) who her other guys tried to set me up with. I probably won't, but whatevs. It would be nice though.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Study, homework and people

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and it's only going to get nicer as the week goes on. WOO HOO!!

So, my homework for the study this week is to write down comments the friends and family say about my appearance and talk about how I feel, and how I compare myself "socially" (to famous people I guess).

I figured I wouldn't get any comments from my family, since I don't see them, but I got some from some friends today. I went into this store to see this woman I know from my gym at home. I haven't seen her for months and the first thing she said was how skinny I looked. The first thing the other woman said to me was how "tiny" I am. So this other woman I have known since I was a baby. She is older than me and grew up on my street. I haven't seen her in years so it was fun to say her. Anyway, back to the first woman. She said that I looked skinny and I said that I hadn't been working out as much so I probably lost muscle (which is probably actually true and I don't think I like that). She said, "Well your face is skinny and your arms." I said, "Oh, I don't have muscle in my face." (I know we have a ton of muscles in our face, but we're not lifting weights with our lips or cheeks). Then she said, "You need to take care of yourself." This woman has a daughter who had/has an ED so I'm sure she's onto me. It's very uncomfortable for me when things like this happen. Anyway, when I was leaving the store to go to the grocery store she told me to make sure I ate a lot of eggplant for dinner. I told her I was going to make eggplant parm. So...I guess I have something to write about for the study.

Good news, I can partake in part 2 of the study...the mirror image part. UGH!! That will be hard, I know that. I hope I have the same woman. She sent me an email saying that I was approved to do it and that we'd discuss it on Friday. Hopefully she will be my T. again because I feel really comfortable with her.

So, I should make sauce so I can make dinner, but I'm not in the mood. I've lost weight. I'm not quite sure how, but I have lost weigh in the past few days. I'm at my lowest weight right now and it's not like I'm trying for that. So, I'm not sure what's going on. I do know that I was hungry this morning while I was at the train station but couldn't see spending 5 dollars on 3 bits of fruit so I didn't get it. (I had had breakfast an hour earlier). I thought about a bagel with cream cheese but let's be honest, there was no way in hell that was going to happen even though I know I need to eat more calories. They just freak me out way too much.

So that's the story. I woke up at 5 AM and am now tired, but the sun is shining and it was 67 degrees today. Again...WOOO HOOO!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Funny things in T

Charro says I'm talking more. That's a good thing.

She was really funny on Friday. First we were talking about my doody issue and she said that maybe I needed to eat more fat. (well, not so much maybe, she says I do). Then she said, "Something's going on down there that's causing friction, if you know what I mean," and chuckled. Nice, really nice. Later on I chimed in and said, "Oh, this is the jacket I got in Florence." She goes, "Oh, I thought it was the one you had on the other day. They look the same, right? Oh no, that one has balls." (It has hanging balls off the hood) I said, "Well they both have fuzz on the hood, but that one is short, black, and has balls. This one is blue, long and doesn't have balls." She goes, "What's short, black and has balls? A winter jacket." As I chimed in and said, "Not my boyfriend." HA! She made a funny. Then, like two minutes later, I was talking about some horrible outfit or something and she says, "You know what I think is fantastic? I love, you know like pastel colors, like peach and lavender with then red and black stripes. Beautiful. Get it? (I did not get it b/c the shirt she was making fun of is pink and blue stripes). No, that's your shirt, and then those red and black socks." It would have been funny if I got it. She was making fun of an outfit I once and pink striped shirt with red and black stripes socks. It was bad, and I pointed that out when I wore it, but I didn't think anyone would see my socks. So now I sometimes wear ugly, non-matching things on purpose just to be "tragic."

It was her first full week of work, she must have been a little tired by Friday, but she was freaking funny as hell. We don't spend all our time joking around though, don't worry, that was only about 60 seconds of our sesh.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Oh what a night

Nope, not the song, though there was song...and plenty (well, I could have used more) of it. I went to see Martina last night. We all know how much I LOVE HER!! If you don't know, then go away. Just kidding. Anyway, my seats kind of blew, though every seat is a decent seat in that arena, they weren't the greatest. I got to the show and saw a radio guy I know. He said he'd try to hook me up with some meet and greet passes. Well, he came through. I didn't get to meet Martina, though I've met her several times and sang with her, so that's okay. I feel dumb when she sees me now anyway. I did get to meet the opening artist, Sarah Buxton, for the second time. I met her when she was in NY one time. Anyway, so my friend and I went down to meet SB and I ran into Martina's manager, who I know and texted with prior to going backstage. So, we chatted and then he called in the other guys I know and the came and got me and my friend C. after meeting with SB. (too lazy to write out full names). They wanted to introduce me to one of Martina's guys because they think we might hit it off. So, we talked with the guys, then went out and watched SB perform a few songs from backstage. Then we went back to catering and sat there and hung out while the second guy was on. (No one really cared to see him...especially the production guys). Then it was time for M. to go on so the guys told us we could hang out on the side of the stage or go to our seats. We opted for the side of the stage, right behind the audio guy. We had SOO MUCH FUN! Martina walked by us a few times. She is the tiniest person in the world. Ugh!! I knew that already though. We were those people on the side of the stage that you look at when you at a concert and think "Bitches! How did they get over there?" :) The show rocked and then we hung out backstage again.

Oh, the guys were so funny. They were busting on me all night. They totally make fun of my eating habits and then they were making fun of me for having tea, when they asked if I wanted coffee. Then when I had to pee they were like "She's going to puke." Funny, they just kept on busting on me. They're nice guys.

So, that was my night. I am so tired. Got home at 2:30 AM and woke up at 7:30 because I can't sleep late. Maybe I'll post some pics and video later. :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Study, day 3

I feel like a lot happened in my study today. The first thing I do when I get there is fill out a couple of papers. They're the same papers every week. I know they're trying to check my progress, but I'm not sure I'm making any visible progress. I am definitely feeling more aware of things and I feel like it's helping me figure things out. I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe because I am all "warmed" up from talking with Charro when I get there so it's easier for me to talk. Maybe it's because I know I'm only talking about body stuff and I can do that with some probing. I feel like I'm getting really good sesh's out of this and the best part is, they're free! So, I'll be sad when it comes to an end in two weeks. I might be able to do the other half of the study that is part of this one though. S. is going to check for me. When she told me she'd check I said, "But I wouldn't have you, would I?" She said, "I don't know, would that make a difference?" I said, "Well I like you." She said, "I like you too." I thought that was nice. Then I said, "I just feel really comfortable talking with you and that's really hard for me to do normally. I then told her a little bit about Kruger. I told her the mushroom analyzing story. She found that funny. So, I think she's going to check on it. I think she's going to be a very good therapist when she gets done with school. Well, I think she's very good now, but she's getting her doctorate so she can't really practice. She's doing her externship right now.

Anyway, she asked how my homework, the TFJ, went. I told her that I felt like I was writing the stuff that wasn't going to be helpful to them, but that I did have an epiphany on Sunday night. I told her that I thought I was focusing on my weight and obsessing so much Sunday because I was so freaked out about going to the doctor. So, she was extra interested in why I was so freaked out about going to the doctor. I tried to just say "I just hate going," but that didn't go over so well. She took that as me having an intense fear of doctors. So I had to kind of tell her that I was worried that something was going to be wrong, but didn't want to go into any detail. Well, finally after trying to dance around it forever (and her not being able to understand me because I hadn't told her), I told her about my doodies. I was so embarrassed and she had no problem talking about it. I was like, "I don't talk about this with my family or friends." So, after 8 years of discussing all of that we finally got off the whole doctor's incident and moved onto my weight and weighing myself at the doctor's office and how/why I care so much about numbers. I felt like the entire hour was very productive. It was interesting because a lot of things I talked about with Charro this morning carried over to my sesh with S., which was helpful.

I'm exhausted!! Two seshes, lacrosse practice, and walking all over town. I can't wait to sleep.


I'm still laughing about how Charro busted me this morning. (see post below if you want that story).

Oh yeah, S. made a copy of my TFJ and when she came back she was like "Great job on writing to so much." I was like, "You say that now. You haven't read it yet." Ha! :)

Totally busted

I went to see Charro this morning and I wore my heart rate monitor there. Well, I took the strap off (the one that goes around your chest) and stuffed it in my jacket sleeve so she wouldn't see it. (I didn't want it on me the whole time). I went to put on my jacket to leave, forgetting that my gloves and strap were in there and I got stuck. I had already put my other arm in so it's not like I could have pretended that I didn't want my jacket on anymore. So I tried to do the sneaky, take it out of my sleeve and tuck it in my coat without her seeing move, and I failed. It was actually pretty funny. She goes, "How about on Monday you don't wear your heart rate monitor and we talk about the feelings that brings up!" I said, "Oh, you weren't supposed to see that." She goes, "Well, that move was pretty bad." Ha!! I could feel myself turning bright red as I was leaving and I go, "I'm bright red, aren't I?" She was like, "Yeah!" It was funny!

K, off to the study.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'm regular

I'm going to try and eat more salads, veggies and fruits. Gee, I thought I ate a good amount of those things, but I guess not. That makes me wonder what I'm actually eating?? Hmm. So, in an effort to combat my internal hemorrhoids (what am I, 90 years old?), I am going to OD on the above said foods. Clearly, I don't want to eat too many, because we know what happens when we do that!! That is a problem!! I have no problem with doody regularity so I don't need to resolve that. I eat my Fiber One every morning.

My cat was just on the Cadbury commercial. Yep, she's a star!! :)

Day 3 of my study tomorrow. I like going.

Fun, fun, fun weekend away planned. Woo hoo. Lots of rain to deal with, however.

Male cat now sitting right in front of me.

I need to run before I teach class tonight. I want to burn 3 million calories. :)

My bro rocks and I'm so proud of him. He's kind of a big wig and received a really cool award. Go bro!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Always running around

Just got back to NY and changed so I can run to practice in a few minutes. Things got changed, like they always do at this school, and now practice is a little later so I have time to write.

Let's see, everything turned out fine at the doctors. I had an EKG for the very first time, peed in a cup, had "other stuff" done, and talked about my doodies. Yes, I am NOT happy with what I weighed when they weighed me because now that's in their charts, but I was fine with what I weighed when I woke up this morning. I wish that number went in their charts rather than the number it was yesterday, which was 2 pounds more than it was when I went in January. Yes, we must take clothes and water into consideration.

My cholesterol was down 23 points, which is good. Now I am not in the "high" range anymore. :)

I've been keeping my "TFJ" for the study. I go back on Friday. This should be interesting because she said they make a copy of everything so they can keep it, but I have the worst handwriting in the world so we'll see if they can even read it. I don't even know if what I wrote will be of any use to them.

I see Charro again on Friday too. I'm back at her other office (the one where her other job is that she hasn't been back at since before she had her baby). That office is much closer to me so I walk there all of the time, which is nice. We now have a regular sesh on Fridays and a double on Mondays, so we did a little flip flopping.

They are doing construction or something in the apt. above me and every time the drill it scares me. I don't expect it.

I wish I could just take a nap right now but I have to get up and go to practice. There's some cat puke on my rug, but I'll take care of that later.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

All clear

My poop is okay. Doc says it's just internal hemorrhoids. Phew!! My weight, I was not happy with that!! Yuck!! I was up 2 pounds since I went 2 months ago. Not good. I know it fluctuates so it doesn't bother me that much, other than the fact that it's on my record now. Ew. I also had an EKG done, which was cool. All bloodwork came out fine too, and my cholesterol was good too. Yay. Everything was good. Now I can relax.

Hate going to the doctor

I go to the doc in 45 minutes and I'm freaking out. I have a headache, probably from stressing. I weigh too much. I don't want to talk about my mucoussy/bloody poop. I don't want to have tests done for that. I hate peeing in a cup. I have having the "girl" appointment stuff done. Ouch! Great day!! I'm 2 hours it will all be over and hopefully I won't need to get anything done for my poop problem. I REALLY hope not.

I really hate that I weigh a pound and a half more than I weighed the last time I went. Maybe I'll change my outfit to see if that makes a difference. Yep, I'm nuts.

Monday, March 08, 2010

The interim office

So I walked to what will be Charro's office for the next month. I couldn't find it. I called her and then I finally found it. I'm a moron. Yes it's true. I don't really like the decor at all, but whatever, I'm there for 3 or 4 more seshes.

Had a good sesh. I told her that I was really anxious last night and she asked why and I told her it was because I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. She asked me what I was nervous about and I told her that I didn't want to have to talk to the doc about some things that I needed to. She wanted to know what and I said some "digestive issues." So she thought it was because it might raise questions about an E.D. with my doc. I said, no, that that was not the case. Then she wanted to know exactly what was going on so I told her. I think the only funny part of the conversation was when she actually said the word "doody." Ha! (that's b/c that's what I had said.

I slept like crap last night, and ironically enough, dreamt that I worked a sewage treatment plant. Think shit is on my mind?? I am so tired now, partly because I spent the afternoon outside and partly because I didn't sleep. Hopefully I'll sleep well tonight and then I will go home tomorrow and go to work and then go to the doctor. I kind of want to weigh myself right now to see what I might weigh tomorrow. I'll be really mad if I'm not at an "acceptable" weight right now that.

I'm just nervous that I will have to have a colonoscopy or something. I guess I'll find out. Charro said, "Maybe you have a deficiency." I said, "That would be the best case scenario and easy to fix." I'll guess we'll see, though I have a feeling I won't find anything out tomorrow...ugh, except my blood test results.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

I start back at Charro tomorrow, which seems really weird to me for some reason. I guess I'm so used to not going, then only going once a week, that it feels weird. It feels weird that I have to get up on a Monday and go a new, temporary office, no less. Ugh.

I weighed myself a little bit ago and I was not happy with the number which means that I don't want to eat for the rest of the night. I didn't have dinner, nor do I want to have dinner. I don't want anything because I want to lose weight. I know I'm disordered, I'm well aware of that. I know it's not right to not eat when you're hungry, but I don't care. Maybe I'll weigh myself after I pee and see if things are any better and then I will decide if I can have something. A protein shake or a yogurt. (such a fragment sentence) I know those won't make me gain any weight.

Okay, I'm now starving and have to pee because I drank 90 gallons of tea today, so I will pee, weigh myself and figure out where to go from there.

I peed and everything is status quo. :) I know, completely messed up. Fully aware!

I laid out/in today. Yay! It feels SOOOO good to bask in the sun like a cat.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Stuff on my mind

I was awake for over an hour last night. I woke up to pee and then I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was hungry and thinking about a lot of things too. I think having to write in this "TFJ" is going to make me crazy all week. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I want to weigh less that's making me crazy. Something is making me all obsessive and stuff. I just want my appt. to be over. I have to tell her about my poop, which will suck because I don't have to have to bring her a sample. That would REALLY suck and I'd probably throw up during the collection process because doodies gross me out. EW! Like I really want to carry one around with me. NO freaking thank you. Hopefully it won't come to that and she can just diagnose me without any further tests or just say it's nothing and not to worry about it.

I want to know my cholesterol, and of course all of my other blood work counts. I'm sure all but the cholesterol is fine. I want to weigh the same as when I went last time. I feel like I can't go there weighing more.

So I brought up the bathroom incident with S. (study therapist) yesterday. You know, the incident where I got stuck in the bathroom and she rescued me. Yep, that one. I re-enacted it with her and told her I felt like such and ass and was going to sit out there and watch the door to see if other people got stuck too. I still think it's a freaking funny story, and Charro enjoyed it, but still, it was a bit embarrassing. S. said that it happens a lot and asked me if I thought that it meant the other people were "morons" too. I said, "If it happens all the time then why don't they fix it??!!" She was like "That's a very good question." Yes, yes it is. I really like S. and would totally go see her if I wasn't seeing Charro and if she had her own practice. She's still in school, getting her PhD, so that means when she is all done she will probably charge a lot of money to see her anyway, so that's out of the question. Well, it's not like I'm going to leave Charro anyway, but still, she's good and we connected. Unlike Kruger and me. ;)

I need to buy milk before the morning. I feel like I'm always buying milk.

Friday, March 05, 2010

The "TFJ"

Guess what my homework for the week is for the study? A "TFJ." (Thoughts and feelings journal) It's definitely not as fun as saying an "FFJ" but it's still okay.

I'm really enjoying partaking in this study. It's basically free therapy with some paperwork. I really like my T too. She's cool and gets it.

I had my last sesh in Charro's office today. Interim, or as I like to call it, "The fake new office" is where we'll be on Monday. I'm NOT happy about that. I didn't even give Pedro his treats because I couldn't find him. Sad day.

It as a busy day. Woke up and went to Charro for a double, then went for my study for an hour, walked home, changed, walked to school for practice, ran around at practice, walked home, made and awfully unappetizing dinner of fake eggwhites on horrible wheat toast, and now here I am. I think I could fall asleep in 10 minutes.

Charro's phone rang during our sesh (Oh, and she totally said "sesh" and then goes, "I can't believe I just said 'sesh'") and I said "I'll get it." Say "pronto." Then I realized it was her phone ringing and not the office phone. She was like "I thought I turned this off. Do you want to see a picture of (her baby)." I said, "Yes." He such a little fatty. So cute!

I got to play with toys and look in the closets, since it was my last day. I miss that office already. I hate new spaces and now I have a lot to adjust to. Yuckers.

Okay, I have more to write but I don't know what it is so I'm done.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Waiting for new office situation

Charro said she'd email me to give me the address of the new, temporary office. Ugh, I have not heard from her. I don't have to go there until Monday, but I like to know where I'm going and I like to know things well in advance. I think I'm just annoyed by the whole office move(s). I'm so over them and they haven't even started yet. I think we've been in this office for almost 2 years, so there were 3 offices changes in the first year, which was annoying! I really like the office that she's in now. I am so going to miss the super in the building. :(

So I'm making Pedro, the super, some dessert. Hopefully I'll see him in the morning or I will be sad. I won't see him anymore and I love him. He's probably in his 50's. He's such a sweet guy and last week he looked so cute in his little baseball cap. I guess I'll give Charro some dessert too, even though she's "not a sweets eater." She was loving the desserts while she was pregnant, but not so much anymore. I should tell her that she doesn't get any because she keeps switching offices!!

My hand hurts. Maybe I have carpel tunnel. Why does it always get freezing in my apartment at noon? So weird. The past three days I get so cold at this time. I need chapstick.

I need to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow that makes me look skinny. I need to look skinny when I go to the study. Yep, that's my sick mind but I don't care. I want my bones to stick out.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Eating is dangerous

Monday - Bit tongue and it bled.
Today - Burned throat and now it hurts.
Guess I can't eat anymore!

I feel like I need to lose weight right now. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm going for a physical next week and I need to weigh the same or less than I weighed last time I went to the doctor. I am not sure. I also think I need to lose weight when I look in the mirror, which I talked about yesterday. Maybe it has something to do with this study too? Maybe it's just made me more aware of things. I don't really know, though I'm looking forward to day number two of the study on Friday.

I have a lot of stuff to ask my doctor about when I see her on Tuesday. First, my mucus poop. Second, my hives. I think that's it...for now. I'm really curious to see how my bloodwork, mainly my cholesterol, checks out. Last time I had it done, almost 2 years ago, it was really high and she couldn't understand it because I had "lost weight." That's what she said. I'm scared that it's going to be higher because I weigh less than I did before, which means that it might be higher. Ugh! I just want to know. I also want to know about my doodies.

I have practice in a bit. I have to leave here in less than two hours and it's cold and damp out. Snowy/rainy this morning. We'll be inside, which is good, and I'll get to walk a lot this after, which is also good. More exercise will only help my cause.

I am drinking the biggest mug of tea and now I have to pee...again.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Stupid mirrors and hives

Currently looking extremely gross and feeling extremely fat and gross. Too bad I'm not at my study right now. The scale is okay, but I hate the way I look right now. I don't like my body. If I were to judge my need to lose weight by the mirror, I would say that I need to lose at least 10 pounds. The scale says I don't really need to lose any weight.

I have hives all over my hand.

Toasty clothes

I cannot get warm for some reason. I've already had 2 huge cups of tea, but that didn't help. What the heck? I turned up my heat too. I need to turn it up more. I just took my clothes out of the dryer and put on a sweatshirt that was nice and warm and some fleece bottoms. WARMY!!

Okay, poop's looking better. Concern is waning, though I will still tell my doc about it. I think I might have been/am fighting something because I've been really dead at the gym too, like very out of the ordinary.

I start seeing Charro twice again next week. Monday mornings and Friday mornings. Everything will be different though. New offices, day switches. Yuck, I don't like change.

I finished my homework for the study but I can't read what I wrote because I had to write in a small space, plus I have really bad handwriting. I don't even know if I did it right anyway.

K, time to buckle down and do some work.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Bite your tongue!

I did that tonight, and it bled...and hurt and is now numb. The tip is white and numb. Fun. Numb tongue.

Poop and study homework

I'm feeling better about my poop situation. Things looked better this morning, but that is only one siting, so we'll wait and see what happens next. I will still talk to my doctor about it though.

I have homework that I had to do for the study. I am finding it quite difficult actually. I have to write about several different time periods in my life and how I felt about my body during those times. Here is what I have to do: "At each period of your life, what did you look like? What were the key influences on how you felt about your looks? Be sure to mention the important cultural and interpersonal influences." Then it lists 6 different ages. It's not easy. I really don't know what to write about.

I wish I was seeing Charro so she could help me with the answers. I am seeing her, but I want to have it done before I go on Friday because I'm going to the study right after Charro.

I have my first day of practice today. That means I get to walk an extra 8 miles every week. That is great for my body and for burning calories. :)