Saturday, November 28, 2009

Ciao again

So I'm leaving today. It hasn't hit me. I got a good workout, which is good since I won't be working out for the next ten days. AH! Hopefully I will burn a lot of calories walking around all day. I will be very nervous to get on the scale when I get home. I will breathe and be okay!

I am going to go and have a good time. I am excited. Maybe I will get a chance to blog, but who knows. Take care of yourselves.


Friday, November 27, 2009


I don't know if I'll get a chance to post again before I leave for Italy tomorrow. I'll be gone for 10 days and won't have internet. I might go insane without it. I might have it by the time I get to Venice. Let's hope

I'll turn 32 years old in Venice. Crazy!! I will text Charro after I have my hot chocolate. She better text me back since I haven't heard from her since she left for maternity leave!

Thanksgiving turned out fine, weigh-wise. I feel like I'm hungry a lot, so I am eating. I didn't gain weight, which is good and bad I guess...good in my eyes.

Saw my friend H. this morning. She didn't question me about anything, but we were sitting with her entire family so she wouldn't have. I'm just doing some laundry and waiting for my friend to get here so we can head back to NYC. Then I have to pack and stuff and then we leave tomorrow afternoon. AHHHHH!!! I can't believe it's here. I am so excited and freaked out and afraid I'm going to forget to do something. I better not gain any weight while I'm there.

Okay, I hope you all take care of yourselves!!! Be good. I know I won't be able to catch up with everyone when I get back because missing 10 days of peoples' lives is too much to try to catch up on. Plus, my bro and his family will be in town for the week (They get in the same day) and we will be having our Christmas celebration with them and I will be visiting with my nieces and stuff. Plus, I will be wicked exhausted. I do, however, have an appointment with Kruger set up. Ew, Kruger. Should be interesting. I'm sure she'll annoy me some more.

Ciao bellas e bello

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Completely uncomfortable

Okay, so we're all sitting in the family room having appetizers and my dad's cousin, who is in her late 50's says to me, "Have you lost weight? Your face looks skinny." (Dead silence on my part because I was at a complete loss as to what to say). I looked down and mumbled, "I don't know." My mom was staring at my and I felt like everyone was staring at me and then she said again that my face looked thinner. It was so awful and uncomfortable because I got so quiet and didn't know what to say. I wanted to shrivel up and hide.

If my scale is correct, my weight is really good right now. I don't trust it though. We shall see. I am actually kind of getting hungry again but am tired and going to go to bed. I've already brushed my teeth.

Hope you all had a nice day.

Thanksgiving morning



My cat posted this before I even wrote anything. He's sitting right here, rubbing his head against my keyboard.

I slept through the night for the first time in almost a week. My mom has been giving me melatonin the past two nights, maybe that's what helped.

Today: Lots of food. I'm nervous about it, as usual. I'm about to head to the gym. It's rainy here, not so pretty. I made some pumpkin pies and an apple pie. Maybe I'll take a picture of my apple pie. Oh wait, I didn't bring my camera home. I guess I could use my mom's.

Um, I'm going to Italy in 2 days. AHHH!! I'm starting to freak out about that again. I can't believe I am going. It's actually here!

Still no baby news from Charro. I hope I hear something before I leave on Saturday.

I guess I should get up and head out so I have time to do a good workout. I'll need it.


My dad and I were doing my budget he asked me how much I spend on Charro and then said, "Are you still going twice a week?" I said, "You ask me that everytime you ask me. You just asked me that." He said, "Oh, I thought you cut back." No! Then my mom asked me why I go and said "Is it your entertainment?" Nice mom, really nice!! I said, "Yeah, it's a blast." Then she said, "Why do you not like to talk to us about it?" I said, "Because you don't understand and you don't even know her name?" She said, "Why don't you help us understand?" No thanks!! Sooo annoying!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Oh Bertha

I'm home. I'm exhausted. My cats are adjusting.

I don't know if my scale (Bertha) is correct, but if it is, I lost more weight. I guess it probably makes sense since I've been so exhausted and not really eating that much...or eating less than my usual "not much."

I wish Charro would email me back, but I know that she is busy and I don't expect to hear from her, I just want to hear from her. I could call Kruger but what would I say?? Nothing. It's not like I'd be like "Um, I lost more weight." She looked freaked out when I told her I was 97 pounds, imagine what she'd so if I told her I was 96 lbs. I guess it's a really good thing Charro isn't around for this weight loss because it would not be good. Please, or please do NOT let my parents notice or say anything to me. PLEASE!!

I really just want to go to sleep right now. I'm sooooo tired.

Meowing cats and sleep deprivation

I think I might die from sleep deprivation. I woke up at 4:48 AM, (not because I had to), taught aerobics at 6:30 AM and am showered, doing laundry, and waiting for my dad to come pick me and the cats up. I think they know something is going on. The little one always senses when something is up. I haven't even gotten the cat carrier out of my closet yet.

Seriously, I am SOOO FREAKING TIRED. I just want to sleep. Please, sleep!!

My plants are going to die while I'm away. That's sad. I guess I need to go do things. I won't be able to sleep in the car because I will have my cats. Meow, meow, meow! I feel bad for them.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Kruger call

I had to call Kruger yesterday to tell her that I cannot see her tomorrow. She wanted to see me because she's worried about me going "so long" without talking to anyone. Anyway, she called me back today, right after I left the gym. I answered (not a fan of her voice) and we talked for a few minutes to set up an appointment. I am not going to see her until the 11th, which will be three weeks since I saw her, but really, I'm away for 10 of those days and it's Thanksgiving too. Anyway, she asked when I was coming back from Italy and I said "the 8th" and she said "Ok, because I time available on that day and I wanted to know if you could come in then, but I guess that wouldn't work." She said, "I'm just concerned because it's a long time to go without talking to Charro or me." (again, I don't really have a choice). Then she said, and I thought this was nice of her, that I could "call her if I need to talk or anything." Well, everyone knows I'm not going to call her because I don't want to bother her, plus, she doesn't know me well enough for me to just call her and be like "Could you call me back, I really need to talk." Not happening. Then she said, "You're having your team over for dinner, right?" I said that I did last night and she asked how that went. I thought that was nice. Maybe by the time Charro gets back, I might like Kruger. I still am not fond of her, but at least we had a nice conversation this morning.

Okay, I need to vacuum, pack, organize, copy and print out a ton of stuff because I am going home tomorrow. I'm also stressed out about stressing my cats, mainly my little squish, because of the car ride and the vet visit. Ugh, she's too fragile and I worry about her.

(7:35 PM)

I know I should eat dinner but I just can't. I can't tell if I'm hungry or not. I'm too exhausted so I'm going to go to bed soon. I have to teach aerobics at 6:30 AM. I haven't been sleeping so I need sleep. I started packing. I will eat something but I know it won't be sufficient. I know that that's bad. I am not getting into some bad pattern, I promise. Oh, I broke down and emailed Charro. I hate myself for doing that. I know she read it but I don't think she will respond. I wish she didn't read it so she didn't have to give me any thought.

Harder than I thought

I'm still freaking out. I realized, when I woke up at 5 this morning, that it does have a lot to do with food and the fact that I will have to eat meals for 10+ days, starting tomorrow when I go home, and then in Italy. I will have to work out really hard before I go because I won't be working out there. I'll have to try and run at some point.

So I woke up at 5 AM and was very anxious. I hate that word. I started worrying that I had gained weight last night at the dinner I had for my field hockey team. Then I was worrying that if I gained weight from that small meal that I was going to gain a ton of weight over the next two weeks. I started thinking about what it's going to be like to step on the scale the day I get back from Italy. It's scary. I'm scared. I thought it was going to be easier to just go and enjoy myself, and I am going to try my hardest to do that, but I don't think it will be easy. I'd like to think I can fake my way through it, meaning, pretend that I don't have a problem for then next two weeks. Ugh, we shall see.

I need to go to the gym, but I need to eat breakfast first and I am not ready for that yet. I'm not hungry yet.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

No sleep again

I didn't sleep again last night. I've been up since 3:02 AM. I am so tired and I just want to cry. I don't know what I'm so anxious about, probably just everything. I had a dream that I lived in Venice and my apartment was flooding from the canals.

I just want to sleep and cry because I can't sleep. My field hockey team is coming today. I made 4 pounds of ziti yesterday.

Ugh, I just realized that I will have to eat with my family from Tuesday through Friday. Ew, then 10 days of food in Italy. Great.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sucky dreams about mean Ts

I think I'm freaking out but I'm not really sure why. I don't know if I'm just thinking about the upcoming weeks or what. I don't know if I'm thinking about Kruger and missing Charro. I don't know if I'm freaking out about Italy. I don't know what it is but I can tell I'm freaking. My heart is doing weird beats and I just feel anxious.

I slept awful last night. I woke up at 3:45 AM after having a dream that I went to a new T and she was horrible. She put on this black wig when I got into her office, which was dark and she sat behind a desk. I asked her why she had the wig on but she didn't answer me. I didn't like her and I ended up leaving.

I was up until 5:30 AM and then I had another dream about going to another new T. (this lady who works out at my gym at home but is not a T in real life) and she was awful too. She wanted to charge me way too much. I kept asking if she was licensed but she didn't answer me. I assumed that meant that she wasn't licensed. I got annoyed with her and walked out and refused to pay her. Hmmm, seem so similar to my day yesterday, doesn't it?

I miss Charro! :(

Friday, November 20, 2009

Not a Kruger fan

Let's see if I can recount all of the stupid things that Kruger said to me. She annoyed me and I'm not a big fan. I went in there with an open mind, but she just kind of annoyed me. This post will be all over the place, fyi!

First things first, I walk in and she tells me to "make myself comfortable." So I go "Do you mind if I take my shoes off?" She gave me this awful look and I said "Never mind, I'll leave them on." Then we had a whole discussion about my feet and shoes. She goes "Sometimes people tell people to leave their shoes on when they walk into their house. WTF does that have to do with anything?? I said, "My feet always hurt so I hate having shoes on." She was like "You're feet always hurt?" Well, no, they are happiest when they are bare. OK!

About 15 minutes into our sesh I got the "How is your relationship with your mother?" REALLY!!?? Did you just ask me that? If that is not the most stereotypical question I have ever heard in my life when it comes to therapy, I don't know what is. I said it is "fine." I was kind of annoyed by that question.

I don't know what happened next, but at some point we got talking about my week ahead. I said that I was going home on Tuesday, leaving for Italy on Saturday, and cooking 4 pounds of macaroni tomorrow because I'm having my team over. (I told her I coach). So she was like, "So you teach aerobics, have your full time job, and coach field hockey and lacrosse?" Yes, I do. She said "So you're an athlete?" I said, "Well I was." She asked if I played sports in college and I said yes, "Field hockey and lacrosse, and ice hockey my grad year." She goes "Did you say grad?" like I look too stupid to have gone to grad school. I said "Yes, grad school!"

Then we talked about Thanksgiving and how it's going to be boring and how I hate being around all of that food. (This was our first food discussion) She wanted to know why and I told her because I am afraid I'll gain 50 lbs. She took that literally. I said "Not literally, I exaggerate a bit." So she was like, "So it will feel like you have gained 50 lbs?" I just said yes to shut her up. She's doesn't work with ED people, obvi. I told her I don't even like half the stuff we have on holidays. She made some weird comment about my mom being aware that I don't like the food or something. I responded with "I like some of the stuff." She was just weird.

She asked me if I was happy with my weight right now. I said "yes, but other people might not be." She asked who, I said "my parents and charro." Then we got into the whole Charro firing me thing because I don't weigh enough. She goes "So you lost weight since you saw her last Friday?" (She had a look on her face for that one). I said, "Well, not really. I did but I gained it back." Then we discussed how Charro has a number she wants me to be at. Kruger wanted to know if Charro knows that I'm not at that number and I said yes. She asked me what I weigh and how tall I am. I told her that I'm 6 ft. I was kind of snarky. I told her that I don't discuss weight with Charro anymore. She asked if we had talked about me not wanting to weigh what she wants me to weigh. I said yes, we've been there and done that. I kind of blew her off on that one because it was pointless. Charro and I are dealing with it, she doesn't need to know details. She asked me if I was "restricting" this week. I said no. I hate that word.

She was just scary and annoying. She asked too many questions.

This is the one that really gets me. I told her about my trip and how the day I get back my bro and his family fly in from Texas. She wanted to know what my schedule was like for seeing her again. First she asked if I could do next week and I told her that I am leaving on Tuesday so unless I see her in the morning I can't do it. She wants to do noon and I told her I'd let her know, but I'm not going. I will be on my way home then, probably. So then she was like, "Wow, that's a long time to go without seeing me." (Um, I've never seen you before in my life, it's not a long time to go without seeing you!" Then she wanted to know when I wanted so see her when I got back. She goes, "We can do this same time, but I feel like you should come in sooner so how is Thursday?" (Um, is ONE day really going to make a difference?) I said, "I don't know if that will work because my brother will be here." This is where I got really annoyed. She goes "Isn't doing something good for you and your health more important?" (not her exact words, but pretty close.) I responded with, possibly with minor attitude, "I would like to see my nieces since I never see them!!" Really?? Seriously?? Honestly?? I don't even know what to say. How does "my heath and well being" have anything to do with me visiting with my family from 2000 miles away whom I see maybe twice a year?? Really?? So annoyed by that.

Now onto payment...I said, "I brought you a check." She goes "Oh, we didn't discuss money. We'll do that next time." Then she went on to say that she charges $130 (50 more than I pay), but Charro told me that I was going to be paying her the same thing that I pay Charro. So, there's an issue. Maybe because I see Charro three times a week she was thinking I could handle the $130. It's fine, I get reimbursed, but that's not the point. I really don't think anyone's time is worth 130 dollars! Just my opinion.

Really long post tonight. I'll think of a million other things, I'm sure. All I know is that I am so annoyed right now because of her. She really did ask some stupid questions. I'll think of more later.

Just remembered something. On my way to Kruger's I saw a homeless man with 4 cats in his basket. The cats were sooo cute and I felt so bad for them. It made me sad. :( So, I walked into Kruger's office and she had a ceramic cat on her table. I said, to break the ice, "I like your cat." then I proceeded to tell her about the homeless cats and that I cared more about them than I did the man. She asked me some stupid question in response to that, and I was wondering why the hell she wouldn't just say, "Oh, that is sad." There was NOTHING to read into in that story. I feel bad for the homeless cats because I love cats. End of story! She needed to read into it. Annoying!

Nice weather and Kruger day

I'm about to head for a run in the park. It's nice out today, I just want to wait til it gets a little warmer. I will leave here around 12:30 to go see Kruger. My appointment isn't until 2:30, but I'm going to walk down there and do a little shopping first, or browsing. I don't plan on buying anything, I just need to try on some boots and rollerblades, if I can find them, to let my mom know sizes.

I think this will probably be my last weekend to get outside and run. It's unseasonably warm and I love it. I hate winter so keep the warm air flowing.

I'll let you know how it goes with Kruger. I miss Charro.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

There is a cat on my lap...again

I'm starting to worry about my upcoming presence around food, or rather the food that will be in my presence. First we have Thanksgiving, that always causes me stress. I worry that someone will say something to me about my eating. I'll have 3 days with my parents, there is plenty of time for them to ask me about eating and my weight and Charro. I worry that they will question Charro's ability and if she is really doing anything for me since I continue to lose weight and probably don't appear to be getting better. The thing is, my mind is so much better than it was and I'm eating better when I am home, so maybe my weight doesn't reflect it, but I am doing better. I'm sure you all argue with that.

Then of course, there is Italy. 10 days of food. Three meals, well, 2 if I can help it, and no working out. I will find a way to run at some point, even if it's only for 20 minutes and if it's only 3 times the whole time I am there. I have to. I will feel awful if I don't. I can get up early and do it somewhere, I hope.

Then I get back and my bro is here with his family. We are going to celebrate Christmas that weekend. Then of course we'll have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Ugh! Food, food, and more food. Then comes January and CHARRO COMES BACK!!! YAY!! She'll come back and be like "You're huge." No she won't say that, but that's how I'll feel.

I can't believe I leave in 9 days for Italy. Wow. Nuts. I booked this trip in July. Craziness.

I am having my field hockey team over for dinner on Sunday. I am making baked ziti. I'm not sure how I'll fit 18 girls into my studio apartment. Should be funny.

I had more to write but my mind is distracted.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Never satisfied

Now I weigh too much. I have a headache too. That's okay. I'm drinking my tea and will go to bed early. I just want to weigh less now. I can never win.

Shooting stars

I'm trying to get motivated to go to the gym, but I really don't feel like going. Oh well, I have to so I will, but I'd rather not. I'm guessing it will be a short workout.

I broke down and emailed Charro last night to let her know what was going on. I feel bad because I don't think she should have to deal with me when I am not sitting in the same room with her. It's even worse now because she is on leave. I shouldn't have emailed her. I don't expect to hear back from her. I told her I am predicting the birth of her child on Tuesday November 24th. We'll see. I predicted a 7 lb 8 oz girl. :) I bet I'm wrong on all accounts.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing Kruger on Friday, though I know I will be so nervous before I go. Ew! I hate that. I don't want to go to a new place and sit in a waiting room and possibly see people. I hate that. I don't want to meet her either. Oh well.

Monday night I took my nephews outside because they wanted to look for shooting stars. (There was a meteor shower that started at 1 AM). So, we went out and laid down on the deck around 7 PM. I had one boy in each arm and they were so cute. I saw a shooting star and explained to them that they go by really, really fast and you can't tell someone where to look because they're already gone by that point. I told them where to look and then my oldest nephew saw one. After that, my youngest nephew saw one. I saw all three. I'm glad they got to see them.

I guess I should get ready to go to the gym. Fun, fun. Maybe I will just ride the bike and burn 4 calories because I don't feel like running or doing the elliptical. It's too cold to ride outside.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Quick update on nothing

I am home. Had a productive day. Saw 3 clients, went to the office, washed and vacuumed my car, went to the grocery store, made a dessert, and am now waiting for my sis and the kids and her stupid effin boyfriend who I have not seen since this whole debacle over a year ago, to come for dinner for my dad's b-day.

My weight, well it's low. Bertha says 96.5. I'm working on it though. I'm sure it will go up a lot tonight because I am not hungry and will have to eat a lot with my family. I hate having to eat when I'm not hungry.

Ugh, food sis just called and is bring stuffed breads too. Too much food and I don't want any of it.

Speaking of, I have to go help my mom make my chicken.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Keeps going down

I don't really know what's going on with my weight, but it keeps going down. Charro says it's because I don't eat enough, but I am not eating any less than I was before so why is it all off a sudden dropping? I am actually eating things I wouldn't normally eat, like real cheese. I didn't eat 3 meals yesterday because I ate lunch at 3 and was full. I didn't finish my lunch and ate the rest of it later on in the day, around dinner time. It was only a couple of bites that were left. So, I don't really know what's going on. I'm really scared that my parents are going to notice and get scared and say something to me. I am really not trying to lose weight.

I realized that I am too scared of Charro when it comes to talking about my weight because I'm afraid she will fire me. I told her that on Friday, kind of. I also feel like I can't be completely honest with her when it comes to this topic because I am scared of her. I think it will be good when I go see Kruger (her fill-in) on Friday. I can talk to her about my weight and that fear. I think I will talk about it, at least. Who knows. She sounds scary and I hate talking to people, but she looks nice.

I got a papercut under my finger nail. That felt really nice!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Charro's last day

I'm bored. You know what that means? I write about nothing at all and babble on about more nothings.

I had my last sesh with Charro until January. Looks like I will have a phone sesh with her on Tuesdays and a double with her on Fridays, when she comes back. It was nice of her to offer both of those things to me.

I serenaded her with a song I (sort of) wrote. I can take credit for the lyrics but that's about it. I brought my guitar in and played it for it. I don't really play guitar but this was an easy song to play so I was lucky. I'll post the lyrics at the end. It was to Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me."

She asked what my game plan for Italy was. I told her that I was just going to "wing it." I leave in two weeks! AH! I sort of told her about the weightloss. I basically said "I'm scared of you sometimes." Then I told her that I'm scared that she's going to fire me and blah blah, then I told her that I lost a "couple of pounds" since I got back from Boston. Seeing 96.5 on the scale yesterday was interesting. Haven't seen that one before. I was on "Bertha" (my scale at home) and it tends to be lower than my scale here. I was back up to 98 here this morning, which I guess is good. I didn't tell her, nor did she ask, what my weight is. She really just wants me to not weigh myself at all and move away from this number obsession. Well, I'm not going to have a choice from November 28th to December 8th. AH!

I started decorating for Christmas today because I was/am so bored. I'm supposed to go to a party at 10 PM. That would require me walking 20 blocks in the gross/windy/rainy weather at an hour that I don't usually head out on. The party is from 10-12. I want to go because I like the girls hosting it, but seriously, the hour and weather isn't enticing me at all.

I taught aerobics barefoot last night because I had no sneakers with me. My work stuff ran extremely long yesterday so I didn't have a chance to come to my apartment and change before going to the gym. Luckily I had brought some laundry home with me and had a pair of shorts and a t-shirt in my bag. I went right from the train to the gym. It was interesting.

That's it. I don't know what else I'll do tonight. I am almost finished polishing my wood floor too. I just have to wait until tomorrow or something so I can do the last strip because I can't walk on what I did today unless I want footprints.
You're on your chair it's a typical Tuesday night.
I hit the buzzer and wait for the green light.
You're happy, cause I brought pizza from Two Boots.

I'm freaking out cause I just tried on jeans.
"You're psychotic," that's what you're telling me.
You have to see things different than you do.

But I eat egg whites, hate my pants tight.
My anxiety is not fight or flight.
Dreaming bout the day when I wake up and find
that what the scales says doesn't weigh on my mind.

Can't you see that I'm the one who's gonna miss you
I'll have more than a few weeks C-Bat free.
Oh how sad I'll be.

Oh how sad I'll be.

I see Pedro when I come here on Fridays.
He says "Hey, What's going on today?"
Haven't seen you down here in a few weeks
Goodbye, take it easy.

I walk in the room and I take off my-eye sneaks.
I sit down as you ask me how I be.
Say I'm fine but you know better than that.
Always talking bout the weather and cats.

But I wear striped socks, and have mind blocks.
I come in and always turn the clock.
Dreaming bout the day when I wake up and find
that what the scale says doesn't weigh on my mind.

Can't you see that I'm the one who's gonna miss you
I'll have more than a few weeks C-Bat free.

Oh how sad I'll be.
Oh how sad I'll be.

Maybe I will go to C-Kruger.
Say I'm fine and she'll say please talk to me.
But she's too scary

But she's too scary.

The last day

Today is my last day with Charro. That's all.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I'm pretty bored of this whole blogging thing, as you can probably tell. I don't feel like writing and I don't have anything to write about.

I'm going home today. I haven't been home in a while and I fear what my parents might say to me. I woke up this morning weighing the least I've weighed in a long time, and I'm not even trying. I'm in the 97 pound range. I don't know if I should even bother telling Charro since Friday is her last day. I guess I'm scared to tell her because I know that is not anywhere near what I'm "supposed" to weigh. I guess she can't fire me because she'll be gone. I guess I fear that she'll say, "If you don't weigh xxx by the time I come back from maternity leave, I can't see you." I have two days to think about whether I'll tell her. Also, if my weight goes up before Friday, which it probably will because I'll be having dinner with my family tonight, then I won't tell her.

I'm kind of over the whole eating disorder thing. (not mine, but other peoples). I just ignore anything ED related from people. One of my friends sent me an email yesterday about how she is gaining a million pounds, blah, blah, blah. Um, she weighs 92 pounds and looks completely anorexic. So, I just ignored her email because I'm sick of hearing it, which is probably why I never talk about it.

Guess I should get ready to go. Gotta catch a train.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Italy and Charro

I only have 3 more sesh's left with Charro. I'm going to be SO SAD on Friday when I have to say goodbye to her. :( Yesterday she said, "I expect an email when you get back from Italy." Yes maam! I said, "Well, you will get your text from Italy as well." She told me to text her while having hot chocolate in Florence. Yesterday she told me that I can eat the same thing everyday if I wanted to (as long as it was pasta or something good), if that was going to make me more comfortable and relaxed. She said she just wants me to relax more than anything so if it takes eating the same thing, then do it. Well, I'm mix it up a bit, but let's be honest, I'm very picky and don't eat meat of seafood so I will be eating the same types of things all of the time. I guess that means I don't have to have gelato or hot chocolate if it makes me uncomfortable, which it totally would. But, I can't go to Italy and not try those things, so I will, even if it's just a taste of my friend's gelato.

My weight has been chillin' in the 98 range for the past few days. Charro knows that I am under 100...I think. My poem pretty much states that gaining any weight freaks me out and we talked about that. She talked about me being under 100 and made it sound like she's aware that I'm not at the weight she wants me to be at. I think she's okay with it though because I'm actually talking in there. That poem had pretty much all of my feelings and thoughts in there. She said that I'm making progress...I went from NEVER wanting to ever go to therapy to going to see her three times a week. She said I'm consistent and she thinks that I think about things between our sesh's but feels like it's hard for me to talk about them. She was correct. So, she gets me and that is good. She said that I'm trying.

She's so funny too. I try to dress "tragic" for her because she will make fun of my clothes sometimes. She basically just makes fun on this pair of socks I have. She said they were "tragic" so I wear them all the time. They are black and red striped and last winter I wore them with a pink and blue striped shirt because I thought "no one will see my socks," but I take my shoes off there and she saw them and she said "Those socks with that shirt!! That's tragic." So, it's become a joke. Yesterday I wore them with a blue Christmas sweatshirt that I bought for under 2 dollars, as a joke. I wore one of my mom's ugliest Christmas sweaters in there last year. I told her I was going to "be tragic" for the next few days and she said "Yes! I think you should try and be as tragic as possible."

I sent her an email about this cheap store we had been discussing when I got back yesterday. I told her to go and stock up on Christmas bags because there were 50 cents each. I mentioned socks too and she wrote back, "You are hilarious!" I think she really actually likes me and would probably consider hanging out with me if I didn't pay her. I think I amuse her and she always tells me how funny I am. That's a good thing.

My ass hurts from sitting all day. I need to do something. I ran in the park this morning with this guy I went to high school with. He was in the city so he contacted me. He ran too slow for me.

I have nothing more to say. I want to weigh myself but I won't.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Poem for Charro's departure

I thought it was time to write up a poem.
I will be sad, and tantrums I'll throw em.
You're going away for a couple of months.
To have a bay-bay and change lots of dumps.
Oh what will I do without 3 days of C-Bat.
I'm going away and worried about getting fat.
I don't want to freak while I'm with the paesans.
The pants that I bought are way too tight on.
I'm scared of my stomach being filled with food.
I'm hoping the Italians aren't really rude.
I'm worried I won't burn any calories
and will return weighing 133.
I want to go and just have a good time.
I don't know if I can pretend that I am fine.
I hate that I won't have any contact with you
for the next few months, oh what will I do?
What if C-Kruger thinks I'm too fat?
And makes me talk about "this and that."
She won't understand when I talk about ham thighs.
Or when I get squirmy and cover my eyes.
You still have to send the pic of your costume.
You were a witch, I hope with a broom.
I can't wait to hear if you have a boy or a girl.
If it's a boy, just don't name it Earl.
I wish I could see your little bambina,
See, I think it's a girl. I bet she'll like fontina.
What else is there that's on my mind?
I don't want to get myself into a bind.
You'll come back skinny and I will hate that.
I always feel like I am too fat.
Then I worry I won't weigh "enough."
You crack down and I'll huff and puff.
I don't know why weight scares the shiites out of me.
I gain a pound and completely freak.
I know you say I have to challenge these things.
Easier said than done. I hate clothes that cling.
What if I never get to where you want me to be?
I want to try harder and make you happy.
I know you'll say it's not about pleasing you.
I know that, but it might be what I have to do.
I just really can't gain any weight.
I wish I knew why, other than the hate.
I wish I could convey how hard it is for me.
And how it freaks me out to go into three (digits).
I'll be sad and miss you, that I can say.
No need to worry, I will be okay.
I'll look forward to when you come back.
Maybe I'll wear something that’s brown and black.
I now will conclude this poem of thoughts.
I'm ready for your comments...a big onslaught.

I read this to Charro today. It took me about 10 minutes to write. She liked it. It wasn't my usual humorous poetry, but pretty much everything that was/is on my mind.

* C-Bat = Charro
*C-Kruger = Fill in T.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Down again

My weight is down again. Whoops. Oh, I guess I tried for that a little bit, I just didn't think that I would be back at square one with "needing to gain 4 pounds." Well, let's face it, I'm not going to gain those four pounds. Charro doesn't know my weight. She hasn't asked since the last blow up over a month ago. I assume that she knows that I never got up to 102 and has come to terms with the fact that I'm not willing to do that, therefore I'm "not willing to work on the eating disorder." So, I guess there is really no need in telling her my weight, especially because she is leaving next Friday and will have no idea what's going on with me until she comes back sometime in January. It will be weird when she comes back. What will we start off with?

Back to my weight. I guess I freaked out a little last week when I gained weight so I sort of did what I could to get it back down. I just didn't think it would happen so easily. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was eating so much last week while I was on my business trip, and now I'm back to a meal or two here and there. It happens, I guess. I guess it will be a big wake up call/freak out when I go to Italy. Charro says I need to start eating good meals now in order to prepare for this trip and make it less stressful for me. That would be okay if I had a million dollars to spend on food and order out all of the time, or if I was at home and had my mom cooking for me all of the time. Let's face it, I'm cheap and not willing to spend money on food all of the time, and cooking for one is not too exciting.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Once again with the Ham Thighs

I bought 3 pairs of pants yesterday. I will probably take them back or exchange them for a bigger size. My stupid ham thighs do not fit in them. They are so tight. The girl said they would stretch out but I don't believe her. They fit okay everywhere else but my stupid huge ass thighs. I hate them so much!! Why can't I just have stick legs. Charro just loves when I go off into a "psychotic episode" about my ham thighs, but I can't help it...they are huge!! She doesn't understand that they really are huge and how much I despise them. She tells me that clothes are supposed to fit tightly and that I'm not used to it and people with EDs don't like to have things touching their bodies. Well, these are suffocating me and I hate them. It has nothing to do with my weight either because my weight is actually down. Charro would NOT be happy but I don't really know what I can do about it. Well, I do, but I'm not willing to do that. BLAH!! Oh how I love my body. Maybe I'll do some squats in these pants and see if they stretch. What if they shrink when I wash them? That would be a waste of money. What if I gain weight and they don't fit anymore? Maybe I should just get a bigger size. Maybe I will. My thighs are spreading like pancakes as I sit on the couch. It makes me want to throw up!! I can't keep writing about this.

I'm going to see Reba today at the Hard Rock for free. It's a tv special or something. Look for the girl with ham thighs. That's me. I don't know when it will air. I don't know what I'm going to wear yet either. Sneakers, of course, because I will be walking.

Charro talked to the "fill-in" about me. I asked her what she told her. It wasn't anything exciting, but she did mention the eating, which she wasn't sure she was going to do or not. 4 more sesh's left. So sad!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Walk, shop, walk

I'm going to walk to Charro's, though I don't really feel like it. I've been in my apartment all day and I'm bored out of my mind. I don't feel like doing any work because I feel like I don't really have any calls to make for work. I just spoke to all of my clients and they don't want to hear from me again.

I was thinking about hitting up Ann Taylor Loft, though I'm totally not in the mood for shopping and have no money to spend either. I would like a pair of black pants to bring to Italy with me though. I want corduroys for some reason. We'll see. I think going shopping for pants right now would not be a good idea because I am in a little bit of a bad mood which means that I would probably hate everything I tried on.

I feel like this day has been going by so slowly. Like, hurry up already day! I could totally take a nap, but I feel like that would be a waste of time. If I go shopping before Charro's, I will leave here by 4. I will walk half way, shop, walk the rest of the way. I need to walk. I'm not walking to school anymore so I must get in some miles.

Charro said she was going to have the fill-in lady's info for me tonight. I don't know how I feel about going to see her. I know that if I don't call her before next Friday, when Charro leaves, then I will never call her. I don't know if I should go see her or not. Clearly I'm not going to work on any of my food issues because I haven't done that as of yet, so why start now?

I am going to lay next to my cats on the floor.

Monday, November 02, 2009

How do you maneuver?

I showed Charro a picture of the guy I was at a party with the other night. He's 6'9" and so cute. I told her that he is my "type" and she said "So your type of guy is like 3 feet taller than you? (laughing) How do you maneuver?" I'm assuming she meant that sexually, but I'm not sure. What do you think?

5 more Charro sesh's left. :(

Sunday, November 01, 2009

I love Halloween

I have nothing to really write about so I won't write much. I do have to say that I LOVE Halloween and I think we should celebrate it every three months. I love getting dressed up, and Halloween in NYC is AWESOME!! The parade in The Village is AWESOME. I LOVE HALLOWEEN.

My feet hurt like hell. I watched the NYC marathon today. A friend of mine was running but I didn't see her. I could watch it from my apartment. It's not even exciting to watch, why the hell would anyone want to run it? Not me!

6 more Charro sesh's. I don't think I want to go see the other lady. It seems stupid.

I really need a foot massage.