Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I haven't been much into the blogging as of late...either writing or reading. I guess I've just been too busy and not wanting to write or read anything either.

I had a good sesh with Charro last night. We were talking about my not weighing myself and other stuff. I said how I want to go back and read my FFJs to see how my eating compares to it did a few years ago because I don't know if I'm eating more, though I feel like I do, or if I'm just more lax about my eating and eating more variety. I also said that I wouldn't have anything to write about in my FFJ because I don't sit around thinking about how fat I am all day. So, Charro chimes in with, "You know what's funny? I would have NO idea that your thoughts and eating have changed because you never talk about it!! Why don't you give yourself credit? The only time you mention any type of change is when I really get tough with you, and then you just mention it in passing. We never discuss it." I guess I just feel like it's not important to discuss.

Charro also told me to have a hot chocolate when I'm in Florence. She said it's really thick and you have to eat it with a spoon. She said, "I want you to have a hot chocolate and then text me." I was like "You want me to text you from Italy? You'll be like 'her!'" She said, "No, I'll say 'baby (her child), PTC just had a hot chocolate.'" Ha! I thought that was cute.


Fall is here. I don't like it. I need to go to the gym. I don't want to. I'm walking an extra 8 miles a week (to school), which will stop when field hockey is over next month. That will stink because then I will probably gain weight. That's not good. I need to keep walking that much but I probably won't. I need to start walking to Charro's office again, though she will be on maternity leave so I guess that won't happen either. I'm going to get fat this winter. Ugh!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Funny emails

Charro sent me a funny email today. Here's a little background: She always asks me what the weather is going to be, so I have become her weather girl. The other day she said "I thought of you when I saw an add for the movie 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.'" I was like "Oh, that's a funny name for a movie. So, today I had to send her an email about scheduling. At the end I wrote "P.S. Chance of thunderstorms later." So, she writes back and writes, "Thanks for the update and the forecast...any chance of gnocchi with those showers? Ha." I literally laughed out loud when I read that.

I am tired and watching Dancing with the Stars. I can't wait to go to bed. Tomorrow will be nice. I will work out in the morning. I will walk to Godiva with my friend and get my free piece of chocolate for the month, then I will walk to Charro's for my 6 PM appointment. I will probably stop at some stores along the way. Then I will go to the park to see Julianne Hough and Jennifer Hudson for free, if I can get in because I'll be getting there kind of late due to my sesh. Oh well. I will also work because I didn't do any of that today. I probably won't go visit my friend in the hospital tomorrow, but we shall see.

Hunger is funny

It's funny, yesterday I was dying of starvation, today I'm not hungry at all. I know I need to eat before I leave for my game, so I will, but I'm not hungry.

Charro asked how the weighing was going. I said I didn't weigh myself, but Saturday I weighed myself with my clothes on so I don't really know my weight but I know that it's okay. I guess I kind of lied because I did weigh myself yesterday morning, but the conversation seemed so rushed and I think she moved onto something else, so I didn't have a chance to tell her that I weighed myself yesterday. Oh well. I don't weigh what she wants me to weigh but I think she might think I do, I'm not really sure. When we talked about my weight she said "Is it okay?" I said "Yes" because it's okay for me, but I think she might have meant "Okay" for her, as in I weigh what she wants me to weigh. She said "Okay, I'm trusting you." So, I don't really know what that means.

So, that's that. My friend is still in the hospital and will be "indefinitely."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My leg is moving

I must be anxious for some reason because I've been moving my leg constantly for the past two days. Not really sure what that's about but I don't really care. It doesn't matter.

I broke down and weighed myself this morning. My weight was fine but I feel like it's probably bad now. I was walking home from the gym and I was so incredibly starving that I thought I was going to die. All I could think about was getting home and eating and I couldn't get home fast enough. It's not like I didn't eat breakfast. I ate dinner late last night too, so I'm not really sure what that was about. I felt like I could have eaten a whole pizza if someone put it in front of me. Seriously! Maybe I have a tapeworm. I need to eat veggies tonight. I feel like I need them.

I've been watching The Brady Bunch all day. I baked some brownies from scratch too. That's it.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Jeans are stupid

I hate jeans. I put on jeans today for the first time all summer and I hate them!! I put on the ones that were the tightest on me and they fit, so those weren't the problem, it was another pair of jeans that I hate. I hated them last year too. They are so tight in my ham thighs and my ham thighs look so huge in them!! I hate them!! I need to never wear them. It made me want to weigh myself. I did not weigh myself and won't weigh myself tomorrow because I feel like I will be huge after the dinner I just ate. I won't weigh myself Monday morning because I don't want to have to report my weight to Charro. If I don't weigh myself, I can't tell her how much I weigh.

I was supposed to weigh 100 last Friday, but did not. She gave me until yesterday but I didn't weigh myself so I don't know how much I weigh and she didn't ask me my weight because on Tuesday I told her that I wasn't going to weigh myself anymore. So, I am technically supposed to be 102 by this Friday, but I don't have to be, you know why? I can't weigh 102 if I don't weigh myself. :) Well, I mean I can, but I can't say that I don't weigh that if I don't weigh myself, therefore I won't have to weigh that. However, I think I need to weigh myself now. I might be starting to freak a little. I know it would be a lot now because I just downed some serious water and just ate dinner. I would weigh myself with my clothes on, just to get a feel of where I am. Okay, I think I'm going to do that. I shouldn't, but I might have to. I want to, actually. I don't have to. I'd actually be ok if I didn't get up and do it, but I really want to.


Wow, I was actually pleasantly surprised. I have clothes on, and I just ate. I know that my weight is okay now.

I'm tired and will go to bed soon.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Cazy love confessions

I got more crap from Charro this morning about staying involved with this whole situation with my friend S. I'm sorry, but I can't let someone I know, a friend (though not a close friend), sit in a hospital room all alone, day in and day out. It's not fair. I live down the street from the hospital so why shouldn't I visit? If seeing me can bring him happiness, why shouldn't I go??

I get what people are saying though. They don't want him relying on me. I've set boundaries. He knows he can't come back to my place. He knows I will be there for him but he can't come back and here and that I won't marry him! He thinks he's in love with me. So, I get that his lies and stuff are all ways for him to get access to alcohol. I also know that he is on a lot of meds too, so I can't believe much of what he says anyway. Charro wants me to transfer the emergency contact from me to his mom. I can't do that. Plus, I literally can't do that because the hospital won't do that. I tried to add his mom to the list and they wouldn't even let me do that because he doesn't want her to be on there.

Charro and I didn't talk about weight today. :) I haven't weighed myself here since Monday morning. I did weigh myself at home but that was it. I can't tell her my weight because I don't know it. Cool stuff, eh! I did say to her, at the end of the sesh "You're right, my eating does suck." She was like "Good timing. Wait til the end, but the good thing is that I will see you Monday morning so we don't have to wait too long to discuss it."

Now, S. is texting me and confessing his love. Geez in a box. I need a nap!

We have a game today against a tough team. I'm not even sure what time I need to be at the school. Wonderful.

Oh, a nutritionist came in to talk to S. while I was there to make sure he is eating okay. Ha! I was like, at least she's talking to him and not me!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Tired, hungry, and that's it

Too tire to write. Too tired to read. Too tired to eat dinner though I know I should. I don't really want to. The pizza smelled SO GOOD as I walked down the street but I need to have something healthy. I don't know what I will have, probably just a shake. I am hungry now so I know I have to have something so I don't wake up starving.

I weighed myself at home, on Bertha, but I can't report that weight to Charro because it's not on the scale I usually weigh myself on. :) Oh well.

I had lunch with my nephews at school today. They're so cute. They were excited. I miss them.

Um, I guess I should look for something to eat.

Oh yeah, and my friend is now in ICU and I don't know why. I'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow and try to find out. I spoke to him this morning and that was the last time. Everyone tells me to stop talking to him and not visit him, but I can't do that. No one should have to lay in a hospital alone all of the time. If I can be there for him I will, even if it's just for an hour. My mom is the only one who thinks me visiting him is a nice thing to do and I agree with her. My friends tell me to just leave him there and not get involved. Well, it's too late...I'm involved and any caring person couldn't let someone be there alone all day long. So tomorrow I will visit after I see Charro.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I don't want to get dinner

I was planning on getting dinner at Grand Central tonight, before I hop on the train. Now, I don't really feel like I should do that. Besides the fact that I feel like I shouldn't spend the money, (I hate spending money on food and feel like it's a waste) I feel like I shouldn't eat. I had a peach and a couple pretzels, now I know that's not dinner but I don't feel like I should eat dinner.

I am going to weigh myself tonight or tomorrow on my scale at home. It better be good or I will be pissed. I feel like I've been eating so much the past two days.

I am so tired, I just want to pass out. I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning and went to bed after midnight because my friend's mom was talking my ear off. I don't think she really cares about his situation.

I should leave now so I don't fall asleep here, but then I will be sitting in the train station forever. That would annoy me. I hate food!

My alcoholic friend and stuff

I really have nothing to say lately. My friend, who is still in the hospital, has been taking up most of my energy. He left me 4 messages last night. I turn my phone off when I sleep so I don't get bothered. I really couldn't understand any of his messages, one he was crying in, another he asked if he can come stay with me. NO, he can't. I am going to bring his bag to the hospital today so he doesn't have to come get it when he gets released. He tried to escape last night. He told the nurse that his wife was in labor. Ugh! I can't deal with him anymore. I feel bad for him because his family doesn't give a crap. I can understand why though, after having to help him for so long. He needs to go right to rehab so I hope that's what happens.

I ran into Charro wattling into the office last night. I ran up to her so I could catch the door before it closed. I said "Hi" and she goes "Hi. Oh, I was wondering who the crazy person behind me was." Um, she couldn't tell by my voice? Is she supposed to call me "crazy?" ;) I said "I saw you wattling so I thought I'd save you from having to get up again." She said that she felt like she had a growth spurt or something, aka, she felt huge! She said she never weighs herself...ever. I don't get that. She said her weight never changes (when she's not preggers). I hate her for that. She said her metabolism is good because she eats. Whatevs. Food is stupid.

My leg was shaking last night. She yelled at me and told me to stop. So I moved that leg and started moving the other leg and yelled at me again. Why is that such an issue?

I haven't weighed myself since Monday morning. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning at home, or tonight when I get home. Bertha says I weigh less than this scale here. If I don't weigh myself, I don't need to gain weight because I won't need to tell Charro what my weight is. That is my plan! I think it's a good one. She didn't even say I had to weigh myself on Friday before I go and she didn't say she'd weigh myself. She won't weigh me because she wants me to move away from the scale, so the last thing she wants to do is bring one out.

See, nothing exciting to report. I haven't ready anyone's blogs in days. Sorry guys. Oh ya, we won our first game yesterday. Our team hasn't won in years. They almost got rid of the team last year because there weren't enough girls.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I've decided to stop weighing myself...sort of...maybe. (probably not). We shall see. Well, I don't want to weigh myself because I don't want to have to tell Charro my weight. Therefore, if I don't weigh myself I won't have to tell her my weight.

It's 8:30 AM and I've already taught class. We have our first game today and then I will rush off to Charro. Must nap too!

By the way, I'm sure I'll weigh myself. I am going to when I go home tomorrow night.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I went to bed at 8:15 last night. It was an exhausting weekend to say the least. Not much to write about because I don't feel like rehashing it. That's all.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Funniest part of my weekend

That was definitely the severely anorexic woman in the ER who was wearing a shirt with a tree with different types of fruit on the back of it. It gets better. The front of the shirt said "Eat Food!" I almost died. Definitely humorous. By the way, she fractured her shoulder in 2 spots by slipping and falling on a hardwood floor. Her two daughters, one who was probably only 10 years old, had to weigh much more than she did. I wonder if the doctors addressed that issue at all. This woman was scary skinny.

Friday, September 18, 2009

He's on his way

Charro and I talked about the situation with my friend. That was good. He's on his way here but I told him that I can't meet up with him until 6:30 PM. Then we talked about nothing and she asked me what I was avoiding. I said "nothing." She was like "What's your weight?" Ugh, I said "99." She said, "Then you need to eat more." That was it. I need a nap. I slept like crap last night.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Update on the situation...and weight

So I think my friend is coming to stay with me for a few days. He is trying to get to the train station. We shall see what happens.

Okay, so I weighed myself tonight and I don't weigh what Charro wants me to weigh tomorrow, so I'll probably weigh even less in the morning, though I did eat some pretzels and egg whites. Maybe she won't ask me how much I weigh. That would be fantastic.

So, that's it. He wants me to pick him up at Penn Station, but I am not going down there at 11 PM. I will tell him how to get here from there because I don't need to be down there by myself at this hour. Not so safe.

I will take my friend to Charro with me in the morning and he can sit in the waiting room or go walk around outside in the park or something. I don't think he's going to kill himself anymore, I think he just needs a friend. He apparently just got out of rehab (alcohol) a few weeks ago and is having a hard time and fighting with him mom. I talked to one of his friends and he filled me in on everything. So, that's the story...I think.

Not how I planned my day

I got an IM from this guy I went to high school with and hooked up with again a few years ago. (Not "hooked up with"). He said, "I just wanted to say goodbye." I asked him where he was going and he said "I am going to kill myself. I want to die." After lots of talking, I think I've convinced him to come here for a few days. It kind of makes me a little nervous but I think if I can get him to talk I can maybe get him some help here too. I know he has been in drug rehab and has had some issues in the past, but I don't know what's going on now. I feel like he reached out to me and I need to help him. So, I am waiting to see if he is coming here. I will take him with me wherever I go so he's not in my apartment. I will bring him to Charro with me tomorrow morning, if he comes. I don't care if he knows I go because he clearly has some serious issues going on. So, that's my day thus far.

Oh, I also set of my smoke detector while baking and jumped up off of my couch, tripped over my computer cord, and whacked my knee on something (the table I think). It was probably humorous to see.

I'll keep you posted on stuff.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ultimate siting!!

I saw Kyra Sedgwick, Kevin Bacon and their daughter today. Too bad I was on a bus. I almost died. I got to Charro's and was like "I SAW KYRA!!!!" She is the only person I want to see. I'm totally going to stalk them. LOL.

Not much to report on today's sesh. I didn't really talk about anything. I will see her again on Friday. Maybe she won't ask my weight. :)


Oh yeah, David, I talked to Charro about the NEDA conference next year. She wanted to know why I'd want to go. She said "What will you say when they ask you what you're there as?" I said, "Marilyn Monroe." :) Then I said "I could say that I am a coach and want to make sure I am well informed because I deal with high school girls." She said she thought I might be bored at it, but I'm curious.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Worrying to much about being "fired"

I don't know what's going to happen if I don't weigh what Charro wants me to weigh on Friday. I think I am worrying too much about that and worrying about her firing me. I know she doesn't want to fire me, she wants to help me. She just feels like she's not doing anything for me right now because I am unwilling to gain weight. She said it was time to "push" me, and I like when she's "tough" on me, but apparently I don't want to be pushed to the point where I have to gain weight that I don't want to gain or don't think I need to gain. I know she's not doing this to me to be mean, but I can still get mad at her. I know she cares about me and wants me to be able to live my life to the fullest and doesn't want to have to "fire" me because she cares about our relationship. I just don't know what to do. It's like, I don't want to disappoint her (though I guess it's not really disappointing her), but I really can't get to that weight. It's so hard because I want to please her, but I can't give in to what I want. The thought of gaining an ounce scares the crap out of me. I like being tiny and I don't feel tiny right now. I want to be honest with her, but I don't want to go in there on Friday and have to tell her my weight, regardless of what it is. I don't want her to ask me that question all the time again. She used to ask me everytime I saw her, which was so annoying, so I don't want that again. I have to come up with other things to talk about so that we don't discuss weight. I could not weigh myself on Friday and avoid having to answer the question, but then she will weigh me and that would just be incredibly awkward. I would make sure she let me see my weight if she weighed me. Who am I kidding, I will weigh myself. I definitely do not want her weighing me because that is just weird!!!

I like how this is all one paragraph. :)

I see Charro tomorrow night. I am going to try to think of a lot of things to talk about. I hope it works.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Meatballs

I bought this for Charro at the Italian Festival yesterday. I gave it to her this morning because I was too excited about it to hold on to it. How cute is it? She's from Italy so it's perfect, and it's food related which is funny too.
I had a good time with my rents yesterday. I think they enjoyed themselves and the festival. I felt so bad for my dad, he got his favorite pastry and we were walking and he dropped it. I felt so bad for him because we were far away from the festival so he couldn't get another one. He said he was full anyway.

My sesh with Charro was okay this morning. We didn't really talk about much. I told her about my dreams that I had. We discussed my weight again. She said that I need to be 100 on Friday. I told her that I really don't think I can gain the weight that she wants me to gain. She said if I'm not willing to do anything about my ED then we need to find something else to talk about. I said "Does that mean I don't have to weigh 102??" She said, (unwillingly) "I guess so."
I think that was about it. I am listening to my sesh now so we'll see if I hear anything else that's worth reporting.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Weight and weighing

My rents are coming to visit today. I need to clean my bathroom before I go teach. I am NOT at all happy with my weight. I really realized that there is no possible way I could allow myself to get to 102 pounds. I can't!! It's too freaking scary and too much for me. I wonder how Charro will feel about this when I tell her, instead of just saying "I don't want to weigh 102." I really can't do it. I need to lose a pound and it won't happen today, since I'll be eating with my rents. UGH! I just need to wake up at a better weight tomorrow. Oh, I've started weighing myself more again too. That all started when Charro told me I needed to gain 4 pounds. Yuck! I guess I should tell her that too.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Charro will love this one

I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt that I went to my doctor because I hadn't been feeling well for about a month. She thoroughly checked me out and I was there for over an hour. She was in and out of the examine room. When she came back into the room, she sat down on her little spinny stool and sat right by me as I was sitting on the examination table. She looked at me and said,"I figured out what is going on with you. You've gone from 108 pounds to 99 pounds." I knew where she was going with this and she had a sad look on her face the whole time. Some guy was sitting in the room with us, sitting at his desk, which was weird. I gave my doctor the look like Um, can this guy leave?

My doctor had clearly spent some time looking through my charts while she was out of the office and figured things out. I looked at her in a confused way. I was like "I weigh 99 pounds?? I don't remember ever weighing 108 pounds." She was trying to tell me that I had lost the weight in just a few weeks. I was trying to convince her that I hadn't weighed 108 pounds in years.

I'm not really sure what happened next, but I remember her calling me and I didn't pick up my phone. She left me a message and I listened to it. It said that I was not allowed to workout AT ALL! There was more to it but I can't remember. I just remember thinking that I did not want to tell Charro about all of this. I knew if she found out she was going to get really tough with me. I also knew I had to tell her some of what the doctor said. I was just going to leave out the "no working out" thing.

I had to see Charro that afternoon. The strange thing was that I was going to one of the groups that she leads in the afternoon, then I was going to her private practice after that. I don't know why I was going to her group because I was not in the program where she runs the groups, but I was going.

I walked across Park Avenue to get there, and it was a sunny, nice day. I ran into my goalie from college. I saw some guy wipe out on his skateboard, and I passed a bunch of Mexican food tents. (Weird). I got to the group and I felt stupid. The chairs were so close together and I didn't know anyone and didn't think anyone would want me there because I was not part of the program. I sat down and they all knew my name. I am assuming Charro told them I was coming. One girl started talking about field hockey and how she wants to play. I didn't say anything, but the girl next to me looked at me and said, "Why don't you tell her that you play?" Apparently Charro had told them I play field hockey.

I sat there and listened to people talk, but I said nothing. Group ended and I went outside to walk to the subway to go to my appointment with Charro. She walked out as well, but I wasn't sure if we were supposed to walk together or pretend that we didn't know each other. I think we walked together for a bit. I hadn't talked about what happened at the doctor in group, but knew I had to tell her in my sesh.

So, that was that. It was a pretty intense dream. I wish I could remember it perfectly.

Friday, September 11, 2009

No weigh in, just a report

No weigh in this morning. Charro asked if I weighed myself and I said yes and she asked what it was and I said "too high." That really wasn't the answer she wanted so I told her I weighed 100, which was NOT a lie. I did weigh 100 this morning, post pee, pre-food/drink. When I got home, however, I weighed 99...and this was after eating lunch. So, that was good. Charro said "okay, so next week you need to be 101." I was like, "No, I was only supposed to be 99 today so I only need to be 100 next week." She was like "You're 100 now so you need to be 101." I was like, "I don't think I'll be 100 when I wake up tomorrow. I think I'll be 99." She didn't like that and got into the whole "Do you really want to commit to this?" Answer - No, I don't want to gain weight, therefore I guess I don't want to commit.

So I emailed Charro to tell her that I weighed myself and weighed less than my initial report. We'll see if she gets back to me. I want to make cookies today. It is SOOO cold and rainy!!

I don't want to tell Charro my weight, or have her weigh me, because I weigh too much! I don't want to tell her how much I weigh. I plan on not staying at this weight so I don't want to tell her that I weigh 100 lbs and then next week tell her I'm back down. I just don't want to weigh this and I know I will wake up tomorrow and weigh less so why did I wake up weighing more this morning? I hate this. Yesterday I was 98, today 100. WTF? I mean, I'd have to lie to her if I was 98, but now I just feel stupid that I weigh more.

I guess I should get ready to go. Maybe we won't discuss weight and maybe I won't get weighed.

It's freezing out and rainy!! YUCK!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

No firing last night

Charro wasn't bad last night. She could tell I was pissed at her though. I kind of just sat there for a while and then we chatted. I don't have time to get into it right now because I'm running out the door and won't get back on the train til later tonight. I hope I get home earlier than I expect to.

She didn't fire me. She said she was going to weigh me tomorrow and I told her that I could do it myself, so that's the plan. I am going to weigh myself, though I'm not sure if that means that I weigh myself at home or in her office. I hope she meant at home, which I think she did. This morning my weight was down, but I'm sure it will be up tomorrow because I have a work dinner to go to tonight. Of course it will be up. I kind of want to weigh myself on her scale to see the difference between hers and mine. Of course I'd be clothed though.

So, that's about it for now. Tomorrow should be another interesting sesh. She keeps calling me "missy." It's kind of nice. I told her that I will not gain to 102. Oh, I need to make a cons list for having an ED and bring it in tomorrow. Here's my list"

  1. My parents worry
  2. I am not living the life I could be living.

K, I gotta go.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Tonight's the night

Charro tonight. Hmm, I have no idea what's going to happen. If she asks me "How's your weight?" I will answer with "Fine." The non answer, answer. She won't go for that. I have no idea what we're going to talk about but she's going to ask me if I'm "committed" to "recovery." Um, not so much. So, therefore I will have to tell her my options:

  1. Quit
  2. Hold out until she fires me
  3. Lie

So, that's about it. Should be interesting and I'm anxious to go and I don't see her until 7 tonight. I'll have to literally run to Charro's from school tonight. Oh well, I'll wear my heart rate monitor and see how many calories I burn. :) I don't want to get fired, but I will not weigh 102! I'm 99 now, so if I'm following Charro's "okay, so gain one pound a week" thing, I'll be on her good side. I'm okay at this weight, I'm just not going to gain more. So actually, I won't get fired this week since my weight will be okay for her. This is just a freaking blast!

I ran into my neighbor (at home) the other day while I was in the parking lot of the grocery store. He said "You look so thin." I had absolutely NO response. I am just worried he's going to say something to my dad. My dad was actually at his house earlier that morning to get some peppers for me from his garden. I just hope he doesn't say anything to my dad. Ugh! That's the only thing I hate. I don't care if someone from the gym says something to me, but someone who is friends with my parents, well, that's bad because they might talk. No good.

K, going to the gym in a few. They're announcing the CMA nominees. My legs are tired and sore.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I want my control

I gained 2 pounds in the past 3 days. That would mean I'm 2 pounds closer to where I'm supposed to be for Charro. However, I plan on getting one of those pounds back off in the next day or two. Sorry Charro!

This whole stupid weight thing with Charro has had the opposite effect on me. (was that supposed to be "affect?") It's made me mad and made me want to rebel and weigh myself more often and also made want to lose weight. Clearly it's a control thing. She's taking away my control, or trying to, and I won't let that happen!! So I say NO to weight gain and yes to stepping on the scale more. Can't wait to see what happens when I see her tomorrow night. Should be interesting. I want to go in there and just say nothing and see what she says.

I have no milk and need to go get some so I can eat breakfast, but I don't feel like it. I hate when I don't have any milk. Buggers.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Almost there

Alumni game = AWESOME! Scored for us old fogies, though I was the oldest one playing. Got a great workout. There is nothing better than that feeling after a hardcore game. I LOVE IT!! I saw some peeps I hadn't seen in a while. My coach is going to be in the city in two weeks so I think we're going to hang out. That will be cool!

I think I gained 3 of the 4 pounds Charro said I had to gain. So, I need to get those off. Ugh! I will not allow for excess poundage.

I can't wait until Wednesday when I see her and see what she has to say. I'm calling her bluff on having a scale in her office because I don't think she does. I will make her show it to me and then I will believe her.

I know, I know...I'm a pain in the ass...a stubborn one.

My thoughts, and I've been having a lot of them

I went to bed at 9 PM last night, it was so nice. I was laying in bed with my nephew and I knew I was going to fall asleep, and he wanted me to stay there with him, so I just went to sleep too. Nice!

I know you are all probably thinking "This girl is so disordered and she doesn't know it. She can't read our ED blogs but she's disordered!" I won't deny that I'm disordered. I could tell other people that 4 pounds isn't a big deal, but I cannot, for the life of me, see that to be okay for myself. I initially went to Charro because I was curious and knew that there was something wrong, but I never went there wanting or willing to change. I figured at some point that I would eventually start wanting to, but that hasn't happened yet. Yes, I have made some "big" changes that Charro is happy with, but I know there's still more, bigger, ones that need to be made. My point, I don't want to yet. I didn't want to back then and I still don't want to. I never went in there "wanting" help and nothing can be done until I really do want help. Going and talking to her helps me in other ways, like keeping me somewhat sane, but I'm not willing to make those big ED changes, like gaining weight.

So, I don't know what I will do when I see her on Wednesday. I'm going to pretend like we have nothing to talk about, but she will bring it up. I can either A.) Lie to her when she asks how much I weigh; B.) Tell her that I'll just quit now and save us both time and me money, because she's going to fire me anyway; C.) Ask her if she will continue to see me and we can pretend I don't have an ED and discuss other things. I had a D too but I don't remember what it was. So, those are my options.


As for right now, I'm going to eat my breakfast, go to the gym for little bit to see who's there and catch up with people I haven't seen in forever, then I will go play in my alumni field hockey game and hope and prayer that I come out without any concussions or injuries. I will be the oldest one there too. Go me. Ha! I better tool around those tikes!

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Me, obsess about this? Nah!

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my head but I don't have time to write about it. I have to run and catch a train home. I'll be home through Monday but I will post tonight. I definitely have to. I can't sleep, but that's nothing new. The added Charro stuff isn't helping that though. I woke up at 5 AM. I'm thinking I should just go in on Wednesday and quit because there's obviously "no point" in going anymore if I refuse to gain the weight she wants me to gain in order to keep seeing her. It's just not going to happen. Ugh. Maybe she'll allow me to stay as long as we don't talk about eating stuff and we move on to the "other things" that I'm apparently having issues with. Apparently she thinks that would be "growing up, family, friends," I forgot what other things she listed. I don't know. All I know is that I'm adamant about not gaining that weight.

She ended our sesh with this yesterday:

"Alright missy, are you gonna think about this or what? I don't want you to think about it all weekend, I want you to enjoy the weekend, but give some thought about it on Tues. I don't want you to obsess about this. I didn't even use the word firing, all I'm asking is for you to look at what's in it for you to change, and whether you want to make the change, and then to decide whether you want to trust me that that is one way towards change. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I want you to really, really look inside yourself and think about what you want and what this 100 lb thing is doing for you."

The "alright missy" seemed to be said in a very caring voice. UGH!! That's really all I can say right now. She might fire me, she might not. I might lie, I might not. All I know is that I will NOT go to 102.

Gotta go.

Friday, September 04, 2009

4th time is NOT the charm

I saw Charro for the 4th time this week, this morning. All was going well until I asked her what kinds of things I'm supposed to tell her. Am I supposed to tell her about "fluctuations" and stuff? If I do the things she asks me to do? She never asks me about things if she tells me to do something and I never bring them up. So, that led her to ask me what my weight has been doing. I told her it went down and she wanted to know what I weighed. I told her I am a little above 98 pounds and proceeded to tell her that I lost the weight because of my hectic past two weeks and that I know it will come back on in a second. She said that my 90% is 102 pounds (good thing she doesn't know it's really 103) and that she doesn't work with anyone below 90%, therefore I have to weigh 102 in two weeks. I was like "That's impossible!" She said it's not and that in some IP programs they gain half a pound a day and I was like "No way!" and told her that I couldn't eat an extra 14 thousand calories in two weeks. She said that this was "non-negotiable" and I was like "I just won't weigh myself" and she was like "I'll weigh you here then." I said "You don't have a scale here." She said "Yes I do." I said "In the closet?" She said "Yes." She proceeded to talk about how people put weights in their underpants and it was really weird to hear her say the word "underpants." I think it kind of skeeved me out because kids wear underpants, I tend to call it "underwear." "Underpants" is just a bad word, but not as gross as "panties." I would have thrown if she said "panties." That's such a dirty word. She said she'd rather have me weigh myself and I told her that I would. She asked if I was going to be honest with her and I said "yes" even though I was lying. I am not fucking gaining 4 pounds, I'll tell you that much!

So her "non-negotiable" weight gain for the next two weeks ended up being negotiable because I got her down to just 2 pounds instead of four, but she said I need to gain for in the next month. Not happening. I'm supposed to stay at a "stable 102" meaning that I "don't ever go below it." BS! She said "I know you can get to 102 in two weeks." NO WAY and I'm not going to. I told her that I'd like to see her eat 14,000 extra calories in the next two weeks. She said she could do it. Whatevs.


Charro also said that I'm not "in recovery" (duh), but I'm in the "precontimplation" phase. She said she wants me to think about all of this and tell her, on Wednesday when I see her, if I am willing to make a commitment or we'll discuss things. She said "I never said I'd fire you" but I know she would if I didn't hit 90%. Whatever. Even if i do gain the weight, I can lose it while she's on maternity leave.

I guess none of it matters because the choice is all mine. I do not want to gain weight, therefore I won't. That's really the simple answer. I will continue to eat the way I do, and I do eat a decent amount, and workout the way I do and that will be it.

That's about it.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Can't wait to chill

I'm here...for another hour at least. I am exhausted. No field hockey tomorrow, just Charro in the morning and the gym at some point. That's it! I have to teach aerobics tonight and I can't wait until I'm home, showered and sitting on my couch.

I don't have much to say. Saw Charro last night, for the third night in a row. It was a little intense, but good I guess. I'll see her in the morning too. We changed my appointment because I wasn't supposed to be here tomorrow but now I will be here so she said I could come in. So, I am.

Don't have much else to say. I lost 2 pounds and it's because of my crazy schedule and walking to and from the school everyday, and field hockey and stuff. It will come back. I guess if I wake up and am still "underweight" then I should mention it to Charro. Maybe, maybe not. I just want to take a nap right now. My armpits smell and I don't really care about that. I don't feel like writing. I haven't been reading any blogs, I'm just happy to sit on the couch and do nothing! I just feel like I need a break from everything for a few days.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Oh boy

I just got home. I've been gone since before 8 this morning. I went to practice, stayed for a meeting, went for a run in the park, went to another meeting, which was some "Catholic, don't molest children training." Well, I thought it was 90 minutes, but it was 3 hours. Problem...I had an appointment with Charro at 6 PM and this training was supposed to start at 3:30, but it got started late. I found out when I got there that it was 3 hours, so an hour into it, I up and left and was like "I gotta go." Now I'm going to have to go take this class again, at some other school and I don't think I'm supposed to coach until I do it, but wtf, I couldn't stay. So, I left at 4:40, ran home, took a shower, left and went to Charro. Now, I'm back. Ugh!! I bought a bunch of veggies yesterday that I should probably cook up so I have them to eat tomorrow.


So the exciting part of my day was watching Sarah Jessica Parker film Sex in the City 2. Yep, I watched from the window of the school. It was sooo cool. I took some pics on my phone. She waved to all of the girls and they were all excited. I LOVE NYC for this reason. I see so many freaking shoots, but the SJP sighting was by far the coolest one yet.


Then, I was walking to the subway to see Charro and some old fucking lady apparently didn't like where I was walking and stuck her elbow out and elbowed me and muttered some nonsense. She was old, hunched over and smoking a cig. WTF?? Seriously! Then I was all pissy when I got to Charro's.

I need to come up with something good to talk to Charro about tomorrow. I asked if she could see me tomorrow and she said yes. She's so nice. So, tomorrow is as such: Practice 8-1 PM (That includes travel), back home, CPR 3 PM, my field hockey 5:30 pm. So, I will walk to the school three times tomorrow because we play field hockey in the park right by the school. Then I will leave field hockey early and hustle 25 blocks to Charro. Maybe I will be able to breathe at some point. I don't have time to eat with this schedule. Oh well.