Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I had a good sesh with Charro last night. We were talking about my not weighing myself and other stuff. I said how I want to go back and read my FFJs to see how my eating compares to it did a few years ago because I don't know if I'm eating more, though I feel like I do, or if I'm just more lax about my eating and eating more variety. I also said that I wouldn't have anything to write about in my FFJ because I don't sit around thinking about how fat I am all day. So, Charro chimes in with, "You know what's funny? I would have NO idea that your thoughts and eating have changed because you never talk about it!! Why don't you give yourself credit? The only time you mention any type of change is when I really get tough with you, and then you just mention it in passing. We never discuss it." I guess I just feel like it's not important to discuss.
Charro also told me to have a hot chocolate when I'm in Florence. She said it's really thick and you have to eat it with a spoon. She said, "I want you to have a hot chocolate and then text me." I was like "You want me to text you from Italy? You'll be like 'her!'" She said, "No, I'll say 'baby (her child), PTC just had a hot chocolate.'" Ha! I thought that was cute.
Fall is here. I don't like it. I need to go to the gym. I don't want to. I'm walking an extra 8 miles a week (to school), which will stop when field hockey is over next month. That will stink because then I will probably gain weight. That's not good. I need to keep walking that much but I probably won't. I need to start walking to Charro's office again, though she will be on maternity leave so I guess that won't happen either. I'm going to get fat this winter. Ugh!
Monday, September 28, 2009
I am tired and watching Dancing with the Stars. I can't wait to go to bed. Tomorrow will be nice. I will work out in the morning. I will walk to Godiva with my friend and get my free piece of chocolate for the month, then I will walk to Charro's for my 6 PM appointment. I will probably stop at some stores along the way. Then I will go to the park to see Julianne Hough and Jennifer Hudson for free, if I can get in because I'll be getting there kind of late due to my sesh. Oh well. I will also work because I didn't do any of that today. I probably won't go visit my friend in the hospital tomorrow, but we shall see.
It's funny, yesterday I was dying of starvation, today I'm not hungry at all. I know I need to eat before I leave for my game, so I will, but I'm not hungry.
Charro asked how the weighing was going. I said I didn't weigh myself, but Saturday I weighed myself with my clothes on so I don't really know my weight but I know that it's okay. I guess I kind of lied because I did weigh myself yesterday morning, but the conversation seemed so rushed and I think she moved onto something else, so I didn't have a chance to tell her that I weighed myself yesterday. Oh well. I don't weigh what she wants me to weigh but I think she might think I do, I'm not really sure. When we talked about my weight she said "Is it okay?" I said "Yes" because it's okay for me, but I think she might have meant "Okay" for her, as in I weigh what she wants me to weigh. She said "Okay, I'm trusting you." So, I don't really know what that means.
So, that's that. My friend is still in the hospital and will be "indefinitely."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I broke down and weighed myself this morning. My weight was fine but I feel like it's probably bad now. I was walking home from the gym and I was so incredibly starving that I thought I was going to die. All I could think about was getting home and eating and I couldn't get home fast enough. It's not like I didn't eat breakfast. I ate dinner late last night too, so I'm not really sure what that was about. I felt like I could have eaten a whole pizza if someone put it in front of me. Seriously! Maybe I have a tapeworm. I need to eat veggies tonight. I feel like I need them.
I've been watching The Brady Bunch all day. I baked some brownies from scratch too. That's it.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I was supposed to weigh 100 last Friday, but did not. She gave me until yesterday but I didn't weigh myself so I don't know how much I weigh and she didn't ask me my weight because on Tuesday I told her that I wasn't going to weigh myself anymore. So, I am technically supposed to be 102 by this Friday, but I don't have to be, you know why? I can't weigh 102 if I don't weigh myself. :) Well, I mean I can, but I can't say that I don't weigh that if I don't weigh myself, therefore I won't have to weigh that. However, I think I need to weigh myself now. I might be starting to freak a little. I know it would be a lot now because I just downed some serious water and just ate dinner. I would weigh myself with my clothes on, just to get a feel of where I am. Okay, I think I'm going to do that. I shouldn't, but I might have to. I want to, actually. I don't have to. I'd actually be ok if I didn't get up and do it, but I really want to.
Wow, I was actually pleasantly surprised. I have clothes on, and I just ate. I know that my weight is okay now.
I'm tired and will go to bed soon.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I got more crap from Charro this morning about staying involved with this whole situation with my friend S. I'm sorry, but I can't let someone I know, a friend (though not a close friend), sit in a hospital room all alone, day in and day out. It's not fair. I live down the street from the hospital so why shouldn't I visit? If seeing me can bring him happiness, why shouldn't I go??
I get what people are saying though. They don't want him relying on me. I've set boundaries. He knows he can't come back to my place. He knows I will be there for him but he can't come back and here and that I won't marry him! He thinks he's in love with me. So, I get that his lies and stuff are all ways for him to get access to alcohol. I also know that he is on a lot of meds too, so I can't believe much of what he says anyway. Charro wants me to transfer the emergency contact from me to his mom. I can't do that. Plus, I literally can't do that because the hospital won't do that. I tried to add his mom to the list and they wouldn't even let me do that because he doesn't want her to be on there.
Charro and I didn't talk about weight today. :) I haven't weighed myself here since Monday morning. I did weigh myself at home but that was it. I can't tell her my weight because I don't know it. Cool stuff, eh! I did say to her, at the end of the sesh "You're right, my eating does suck." She was like "Good timing. Wait til the end, but the good thing is that I will see you Monday morning so we don't have to wait too long to discuss it."
Now, S. is texting me and confessing his love. Geez in a box. I need a nap!
We have a game today against a tough team. I'm not even sure what time I need to be at the school. Wonderful.
Oh, a nutritionist came in to talk to S. while I was there to make sure he is eating okay. Ha! I was like, at least she's talking to him and not me!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Too tire to write. Too tired to read. Too tired to eat dinner though I know I should. I don't really want to. The pizza smelled SO GOOD as I walked down the street but I need to have something healthy. I don't know what I will have, probably just a shake. I am hungry now so I know I have to have something so I don't wake up starving.
I weighed myself at home, on Bertha, but I can't report that weight to Charro because it's not on the scale I usually weigh myself on. :) Oh well.
I had lunch with my nephews at school today. They're so cute. They were excited. I miss them.
Um, I guess I should look for something to eat.
Oh yeah, and my friend is now in ICU and I don't know why. I'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow and try to find out. I spoke to him this morning and that was the last time. Everyone tells me to stop talking to him and not visit him, but I can't do that. No one should have to lay in a hospital alone all of the time. If I can be there for him I will, even if it's just for an hour. My mom is the only one who thinks me visiting him is a nice thing to do and I agree with her. My friends tell me to just leave him there and not get involved. Well, it's too late...I'm involved and any caring person couldn't let someone be there alone all day long. So tomorrow I will visit after I see Charro.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I was planning on getting dinner at Grand Central tonight, before I hop on the train. Now, I don't really feel like I should do that. Besides the fact that I feel like I shouldn't spend the money, (I hate spending money on food and feel like it's a waste) I feel like I shouldn't eat. I had a peach and a couple pretzels, now I know that's not dinner but I don't feel like I should eat dinner.
I am going to weigh myself tonight or tomorrow on my scale at home. It better be good or I will be pissed. I feel like I've been eating so much the past two days.
I am so tired, I just want to pass out. I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning and went to bed after midnight because my friend's mom was talking my ear off. I don't think she really cares about his situation.
I should leave now so I don't fall asleep here, but then I will be sitting in the train station forever. That would annoy me. I hate food!
I really have nothing to say lately. My friend, who is still in the hospital, has been taking up most of my energy. He left me 4 messages last night. I turn my phone off when I sleep so I don't get bothered. I really couldn't understand any of his messages, one he was crying in, another he asked if he can come stay with me. NO, he can't. I am going to bring his bag to the hospital today so he doesn't have to come get it when he gets released. He tried to escape last night. He told the nurse that his wife was in labor. Ugh! I can't deal with him anymore. I feel bad for him because his family doesn't give a crap. I can understand why though, after having to help him for so long. He needs to go right to rehab so I hope that's what happens.
I ran into Charro wattling into the office last night. I ran up to her so I could catch the door before it closed. I said "Hi" and she goes "Hi. Oh, I was wondering who the crazy person behind me was." Um, she couldn't tell by my voice? Is she supposed to call me "crazy?" ;) I said "I saw you wattling so I thought I'd save you from having to get up again." She said that she felt like she had a growth spurt or something, aka, she felt huge! She said she never weighs herself...ever. I don't get that. She said her weight never changes (when she's not preggers). I hate her for that. She said her metabolism is good because she eats. Whatevs. Food is stupid.
My leg was shaking last night. She yelled at me and told me to stop. So I moved that leg and started moving the other leg and yelled at me again. Why is that such an issue?
I haven't weighed myself since Monday morning. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning at home, or tonight when I get home. Bertha says I weigh less than this scale here. If I don't weigh myself, I don't need to gain weight because I won't need to tell Charro what my weight is. That is my plan! I think it's a good one. She didn't even say I had to weigh myself on Friday before I go and she didn't say she'd weigh myself. She won't weigh me because she wants me to move away from the scale, so the last thing she wants to do is bring one out.
See, nothing exciting to report. I haven't ready anyone's blogs in days. Sorry guys. Oh ya, we won our first game yesterday. Our team hasn't won in years. They almost got rid of the team last year because there weren't enough girls.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I've decided to stop weighing myself...sort of...maybe. (probably not). We shall see. Well, I don't want to weigh myself because I don't want to have to tell Charro my weight. Therefore, if I don't weigh myself I won't have to tell her my weight.
It's 8:30 AM and I've already taught class. We have our first game today and then I will rush off to Charro. Must nap too!
By the way, I'm sure I'll weigh myself. I am going to when I go home tomorrow night.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Okay, so I weighed myself tonight and I don't weigh what Charro wants me to weigh tomorrow, so I'll probably weigh even less in the morning, though I did eat some pretzels and egg whites. Maybe she won't ask me how much I weigh. That would be fantastic.
So, that's it. He wants me to pick him up at Penn Station, but I am not going down there at 11 PM. I will tell him how to get here from there because I don't need to be down there by myself at this hour. Not so safe.
I will take my friend to Charro with me in the morning and he can sit in the waiting room or go walk around outside in the park or something. I don't think he's going to kill himself anymore, I think he just needs a friend. He apparently just got out of rehab (alcohol) a few weeks ago and is having a hard time and fighting with him mom. I talked to one of his friends and he filled me in on everything. So, that's the story...I think.
Oh, I also set of my smoke detector while baking and jumped up off of my couch, tripped over my computer cord, and whacked my knee on something (the table I think). It was probably humorous to see.
I'll keep you posted on stuff.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Not much to report on today's sesh. I didn't really talk about anything. I will see her again on Friday. Maybe she won't ask my weight. :)
Oh yeah, David, I talked to Charro about the NEDA conference next year. She wanted to know why I'd want to go. She said "What will you say when they ask you what you're there as?" I said, "Marilyn Monroe." :) Then I said "I could say that I am a coach and want to make sure I am well informed because I deal with high school girls." She said she thought I might be bored at it, but I'm curious.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I like how this is all one paragraph. :)
I see Charro tomorrow night. I am going to try to think of a lot of things to talk about. I hope it works.
Monday, September 14, 2009
My sesh with Charro was okay this morning. We didn't really talk about much. I told her about my dreams that I had. We discussed my weight again. She said that I need to be 100 on Friday. I told her that I really don't think I can gain the weight that she wants me to gain. She said if I'm not willing to do anything about my ED then we need to find something else to talk about. I said "Does that mean I don't have to weigh 102??" She said, (unwillingly) "I guess so."
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
My doctor had clearly spent some time looking through my charts while she was out of the office and figured things out. I looked at her in a confused way. I was like "I weigh 99 pounds?? I don't remember ever weighing 108 pounds." She was trying to tell me that I had lost the weight in just a few weeks. I was trying to convince her that I hadn't weighed 108 pounds in years.
I'm not really sure what happened next, but I remember her calling me and I didn't pick up my phone. She left me a message and I listened to it. It said that I was not allowed to workout AT ALL! There was more to it but I can't remember. I just remember thinking that I did not want to tell Charro about all of this. I knew if she found out she was going to get really tough with me. I also knew I had to tell her some of what the doctor said. I was just going to leave out the "no working out" thing.
I had to see Charro that afternoon. The strange thing was that I was going to one of the groups that she leads in the afternoon, then I was going to her private practice after that. I don't know why I was going to her group because I was not in the program where she runs the groups, but I was going.
I walked across Park Avenue to get there, and it was a sunny, nice day. I ran into my goalie from college. I saw some guy wipe out on his skateboard, and I passed a bunch of Mexican food tents. (Weird). I got to the group and I felt stupid. The chairs were so close together and I didn't know anyone and didn't think anyone would want me there because I was not part of the program. I sat down and they all knew my name. I am assuming Charro told them I was coming. One girl started talking about field hockey and how she wants to play. I didn't say anything, but the girl next to me looked at me and said, "Why don't you tell her that you play?" Apparently Charro had told them I play field hockey.
I sat there and listened to people talk, but I said nothing. Group ended and I went outside to walk to the subway to go to my appointment with Charro. She walked out as well, but I wasn't sure if we were supposed to walk together or pretend that we didn't know each other. I think we walked together for a bit. I hadn't talked about what happened at the doctor in group, but knew I had to tell her in my sesh.
So, that was that. It was a pretty intense dream. I wish I could remember it perfectly.
Friday, September 11, 2009
No weigh in this morning. Charro asked if I weighed myself and I said yes and she asked what it was and I said "too high." That really wasn't the answer she wanted so I told her I weighed 100, which was NOT a lie. I did weigh 100 this morning, post pee, pre-food/drink. When I got home, however, I weighed 99...and this was after eating lunch. So, that was good. Charro said "okay, so next week you need to be 101." I was like, "No, I was only supposed to be 99 today so I only need to be 100 next week." She was like "You're 100 now so you need to be 101." I was like, "I don't think I'll be 100 when I wake up tomorrow. I think I'll be 99." She didn't like that and got into the whole "Do you really want to commit to this?" Answer - No, I don't want to gain weight, therefore I guess I don't want to commit.
So I emailed Charro to tell her that I weighed myself and weighed less than my initial report. We'll see if she gets back to me. I want to make cookies today. It is SOOO cold and rainy!!
I don't want to tell Charro my weight, or have her weigh me, because I weigh too much! I don't want to tell her how much I weigh. I plan on not staying at this weight so I don't want to tell her that I weigh 100 lbs and then next week tell her I'm back down. I just don't want to weigh this and I know I will wake up tomorrow and weigh less so why did I wake up weighing more this morning? I hate this. Yesterday I was 98, today 100. WTF? I mean, I'd have to lie to her if I was 98, but now I just feel stupid that I weigh more.
I guess I should get ready to go. Maybe we won't discuss weight and maybe I won't get weighed.
It's freezing out and rainy!! YUCK!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Charro wasn't bad last night. She could tell I was pissed at her though. I kind of just sat there for a while and then we chatted. I don't have time to get into it right now because I'm running out the door and won't get back on the train til later tonight. I hope I get home earlier than I expect to.
She didn't fire me. She said she was going to weigh me tomorrow and I told her that I could do it myself, so that's the plan. I am going to weigh myself, though I'm not sure if that means that I weigh myself at home or in her office. I hope she meant at home, which I think she did. This morning my weight was down, but I'm sure it will be up tomorrow because I have a work dinner to go to tonight. Of course it will be up. I kind of want to weigh myself on her scale to see the difference between hers and mine. Of course I'd be clothed though.
So, that's about it for now. Tomorrow should be another interesting sesh. She keeps calling me "missy." It's kind of nice. I told her that I will not gain to 102. Oh, I need to make a cons list for having an ED and bring it in tomorrow. Here's my list"
- My parents worry
- I am not living the life I could be living.
K, I gotta go.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Charro tonight. Hmm, I have no idea what's going to happen. If she asks me "How's your weight?" I will answer with "Fine." The non answer, answer. She won't go for that. I have no idea what we're going to talk about but she's going to ask me if I'm "committed" to "recovery." Um, not so much. So, therefore I will have to tell her my options:
- Hold out until she fires me
So, that's about it. Should be interesting and I'm anxious to go and I don't see her until 7 tonight. I'll have to literally run to Charro's from school tonight. Oh well, I'll wear my heart rate monitor and see how many calories I burn. :) I don't want to get fired, but I will not weigh 102! I'm 99 now, so if I'm following Charro's "okay, so gain one pound a week" thing, I'll be on her good side. I'm okay at this weight, I'm just not going to gain more. So actually, I won't get fired this week since my weight will be okay for her. This is just a freaking blast!
I ran into my neighbor (at home) the other day while I was in the parking lot of the grocery store. He said "You look so thin." I had absolutely NO response. I am just worried he's going to say something to my dad. My dad was actually at his house earlier that morning to get some peppers for me from his garden. I just hope he doesn't say anything to my dad. Ugh! That's the only thing I hate. I don't care if someone from the gym says something to me, but someone who is friends with my parents, well, that's bad because they might talk. No good.
K, going to the gym in a few. They're announcing the CMA nominees. My legs are tired and sore.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
This whole stupid weight thing with Charro has had the opposite effect on me. (was that supposed to be "affect?") It's made me mad and made me want to rebel and weigh myself more often and also made want to lose weight. Clearly it's a control thing. She's taking away my control, or trying to, and I won't let that happen!! So I say NO to weight gain and yes to stepping on the scale more. Can't wait to see what happens when I see her tomorrow night. Should be interesting. I want to go in there and just say nothing and see what she says.
I have no milk and need to go get some so I can eat breakfast, but I don't feel like it. I hate when I don't have any milk. Buggers.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Alumni game = AWESOME! Scored for us old fogies, though I was the oldest one playing. Got a great workout. There is nothing better than that feeling after a hardcore game. I LOVE IT!! I saw some peeps I hadn't seen in a while. My coach is going to be in the city in two weeks so I think we're going to hang out. That will be cool!
I think I gained 3 of the 4 pounds Charro said I had to gain. So, I need to get those off. Ugh! I will not allow for excess poundage.
I can't wait until Wednesday when I see her and see what she has to say. I'm calling her bluff on having a scale in her office because I don't think she does. I will make her show it to me and then I will believe her.
I know, I know...I'm a pain in the ass...a stubborn one.
I know you are all probably thinking "This girl is so disordered and she doesn't know it. She can't read our ED blogs but she's disordered!" I won't deny that I'm disordered. I could tell other people that 4 pounds isn't a big deal, but I cannot, for the life of me, see that to be okay for myself. I initially went to Charro because I was curious and knew that there was something wrong, but I never went there wanting or willing to change. I figured at some point that I would eventually start wanting to, but that hasn't happened yet. Yes, I have made some "big" changes that Charro is happy with, but I know there's still more, bigger, ones that need to be made. My point, I don't want to yet. I didn't want to back then and I still don't want to. I never went in there "wanting" help and nothing can be done until I really do want help. Going and talking to her helps me in other ways, like keeping me somewhat sane, but I'm not willing to make those big ED changes, like gaining weight.
So, I don't know what I will do when I see her on Wednesday. I'm going to pretend like we have nothing to talk about, but she will bring it up. I can either A.) Lie to her when she asks how much I weigh; B.) Tell her that I'll just quit now and save us both time and me money, because she's going to fire me anyway; C.) Ask her if she will continue to see me and we can pretend I don't have an ED and discuss other things. I had a D too but I don't remember what it was. So, those are my options.
As for right now, I'm going to eat my breakfast, go to the gym for little bit to see who's there and catch up with people I haven't seen in forever, then I will go play in my alumni field hockey game and hope and prayer that I come out without any concussions or injuries. I will be the oldest one there too. Go me. Ha! I better tool around those tikes!
Saturday, September 05, 2009
She ended our sesh with this yesterday:
"Alright missy, are you gonna think about this or what? I don't want you to think about it all weekend, I want you to enjoy the weekend, but give some thought about it on Tues. I don't want you to obsess about this. I didn't even use the word firing, all I'm asking is for you to look at what's in it for you to change, and whether you want to make the change, and then to decide whether you want to trust me that that is one way towards change. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I want you to really, really look inside yourself and think about what you want and what this 100 lb thing is doing for you."
The "alright missy" seemed to be said in a very caring voice. UGH!! That's really all I can say right now. She might fire me, she might not. I might lie, I might not. All I know is that I will NOT go to 102.
Friday, September 04, 2009
So her "non-negotiable" weight gain for the next two weeks ended up being negotiable because I got her down to just 2 pounds instead of four, but she said I need to gain for in the next month. Not happening. I'm supposed to stay at a "stable 102" meaning that I "don't ever go below it." BS! She said "I know you can get to 102 in two weeks." NO WAY and I'm not going to. I told her that I'd like to see her eat 14,000 extra calories in the next two weeks. She said she could do it. Whatevs.
Charro also said that I'm not "in recovery" (duh), but I'm in the "precontimplation" phase. She said she wants me to think about all of this and tell her, on Wednesday when I see her, if I am willing to make a commitment or we'll discuss things. She said "I never said I'd fire you" but I know she would if I didn't hit 90%. Whatever. Even if i do gain the weight, I can lose it while she's on maternity leave.
I guess none of it matters because the choice is all mine. I do not want to gain weight, therefore I won't. That's really the simple answer. I will continue to eat the way I do, and I do eat a decent amount, and workout the way I do and that will be it.
That's about it.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
I'm here...for another hour at least. I am exhausted. No field hockey tomorrow, just Charro in the morning and the gym at some point. That's it! I have to teach aerobics tonight and I can't wait until I'm home, showered and sitting on my couch.
I don't have much to say. Saw Charro last night, for the third night in a row. It was a little intense, but good I guess. I'll see her in the morning too. We changed my appointment because I wasn't supposed to be here tomorrow but now I will be here so she said I could come in. So, I am.
Don't have much else to say. I lost 2 pounds and it's because of my crazy schedule and walking to and from the school everyday, and field hockey and stuff. It will come back. I guess if I wake up and am still "underweight" then I should mention it to Charro. Maybe, maybe not. I just want to take a nap right now. My armpits smell and I don't really care about that. I don't feel like writing. I haven't been reading any blogs, I'm just happy to sit on the couch and do nothing! I just feel like I need a break from everything for a few days.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
So the exciting part of my day was watching Sarah Jessica Parker film Sex in the City 2. Yep, I watched from the window of the school. It was sooo cool. I took some pics on my phone. She waved to all of the girls and they were all excited. I LOVE NYC for this reason. I see so many freaking shoots, but the SJP sighting was by far the coolest one yet.
Then, I was walking to the subway to see Charro and some old fucking lady apparently didn't like where I was walking and stuck her elbow out and elbowed me and muttered some nonsense. She was old, hunched over and smoking a cig. WTF?? Seriously! Then I was all pissy when I got to Charro's.
I need to come up with something good to talk to Charro about tomorrow. I asked if she could see me tomorrow and she said yes. She's so nice. So, tomorrow is as such: Practice 8-1 PM (That includes travel), back home, CPR 3 PM, my field hockey 5:30 pm. So, I will walk to the school three times tomorrow because we play field hockey in the park right by the school. Then I will leave field hockey early and hustle 25 blocks to Charro. Maybe I will be able to breathe at some point. I don't have time to eat with this schedule. Oh well.