Monday, June 29, 2009

Dumb doctor's scale

I went to the doctor. I weighed more than I wanted to but I had just eaten dinner so whatever. I did learn that my scale is 2 lbs off though, which really sucks. REALLY! I don't like that one bit. So, I guess I don't really know how much I weigh so if Charro ever decides to ask me I won't be able to answer her.

I'm so tired. Was in the sun all day today. Now I am doing laundry, working on a puzzle and then will watch The Closer.

(I guess it should be "doctors'" scale since more than one doctor use it. I didn't think of that until just now.)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I wish I could eat everything

I think I might cancel my doctor's appt. for tomorrow night. My infected area seems to have healed itself. I'm sure it will come back but I can't really go to the doctor and be like "I had these bumps here and now there gone. I think it was staph." It's not like she can decipher anything from seeing nothing. So, I will call in the morning.

I wish I could just eat everything that I wanted to eat. Well, there's nothing I'd really want to eat right now. I had fake egg whites for dinner and frozen yogurt. You'd think I'd be full but I'm not. That's really annoying. I guess I didn't really have lunch though. I need to drink some water. I don't want to eat anything more tonight because I don't like the number on the scale right now. I know I shouldn't let that determine my food intake but I want to let it right now so I will. Am I being disordered? Yes. Do I care? Not particularly.

14 more days until I see Charro again. I've been doing just fine without her. It's not like I thought I'd need her, but I thought I'd miss going a lot more than I do. Actually, I don't really miss it at all. I miss Charro but I don't really miss talking. Maybe 1 percentage of me misses it, but that's not a whole lot.

I feel like I really need to start working out and toning up. I finished those "Cutting Edge" fat burning pills this morning. I'm tempted to order more though I don't want to waste the money on something that probably doesn't do anything anyway. We shall see. I didn't want them in the first place but since they were given to me I took them.

I need to go to bed early tonight so I can get up and get on the train tomorrow. Busy day. Well, not really I guess, just an annoying commute that's all.

I miss my cats when I go home. I feel bad when I leave them. I need to figure out my 4th of July menu for the 2 people that are going to come to my party. Lol!

Totally "turned a corner" this weekend. I'm looking tan. Woo hoo!!

I am sleepy. I had a friend's b-day on Friday night and another one last night. I tried to dance off the calories I ate at dinner last night, but I don't think it worked. I need to do that today but I don't feel like it. I have to teach class in a little bit so hopefully it will be a good workout. I've had a headache on the right side of my head since yesterday morning. I think it came after I ran yesterday. Hopefully it will go away.

I gained weight yesterday so I want that to go away, especially before my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I admit that I want to weigh less than I did the last time I was there. Oh well, it happens...hopefully it will happen.

I just want to sleep. I will sleep in the sun today and work on my tan again. The sun wasn't out the whole month of June (literally), so now that it's out I have to take advantage of it. I do see some clouds though. I hope they don't take over the sky.

I need to eat breakfast but I'm not hungry.

I feel like I'm getting fatter. I mean I look like I'm getting fatter. I don't like my arms and I didn't like the way my stomach looked yesterday. Oh wait, I don't really like my body so I guess I shouldn't start listing things.

Ok, I need to empty the litter box. I have to title for this post.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Can't decide

Can't decide if I should go for a run in the park or go to the gym and do the elliptical. I don't feel like doing either, but the elliptical is sounding more appealing because it would require less energy on my part. However, I would burn like 3 calories so I should probably go for a run in the park, at least I'd burn four. :)

I guess I should get dressed and get my buttock moving so I can lay out while the sun is actually out.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Starting to think too much again

I don't even know what I'm thinking but I'm thinking too much and they are yucky thoughts. I feel like I'll never "recover" from this so why bother trying? I don't know why I'm all of a sudden thinking about all of this stuff. I hate food. I hate having to think/worry about it all of the time. It's annoying and stupid.

A few weeks ago I was on the bus and saw a girl with three chocolate milkshakes. (Not all for her, she was drinking hers). It made me want one. Somehow this came up with Charro, I think because she was talking about the famous lemonade that she loves so much, and I said I saw something that I really wanted but didn't want to tell her what it was because she'd make me have it. She guessed that it was a milkshake. Here's the thing, the milkshake scares me for two reasons: First, the obvious calories and fat in it. Second, how easy it would be for me to puke up. I don't throw up, but that would be so easy for me to do after drinking that. I also think I think that I would throw up from honestly getting sick from it. Here's why...When I was in 6th grade I had a Blizzard from DQ and I threw up after I ate it. I tried to get another one shortly after that and I almost threw up again, so I think that something like a milkshake might make me throw up, which I guess wouldn't be bad. Anyway, it would be very easy for me to puke that up and I don't want to have that temptation. The times I have sort of "thrown up" (I put that is quotes because it wasn't a real puke), it was after eating a little bit of ice cream. So, again, I know how easy it would be.

I don't think this is anything I would discuss with Charro unless she wanted me to have a milkshake. I wouldn't just bring it up because it's stupid.

Clearly I'm in a bit of a disordered state of mind tonight.

I'm going out in 90 minutes and we have awful storms heading our way. I know I will get stuck in the storm on my way to the subway. Guess I shouldn't bother doing my hair.

I should be there

I would normally be at Charro's right now, well in 12 minutes, but it will be almost "right now" by the time I post this. I'm totally fine with not being there. I'm going to go to the gym and hopefully run for a while. I bet I end up on the elliptical though because I had a pretty good workout last night so might be tired. We shall see.

Two people showed up to take my class last night. The first one got there a few minutes late and since no one was there she decided to run outside. The other girl showed up 10 minutes late so I told her we'd do the elliptical together. So, we did that for 30 minutes. I ran for 10 of those because there wasn't an elliptical next to her and then we did some weights. I had done 20 minutes on the elliptical before what should have been class. I only did an hour of cardio and walked 2 miles to and from the gym, but I managed to burn 800 calories. I'm not really sure what that was about. My body must have been amped up last night because I burned more calories than usual on my walk there. That was really good because I needed to burn a lot of calories last night.

Hmm, maybe I will run tomorrow instead of today and run outside tomorrow. It's raining here...AGAIN!!

I love the "super" in the building at Charro's office. His name is Pedro and he's so nice. I talk to him every Friday morning. He's so cute. I want to take him home.

So, I miss Charro like you'd miss someone you usually see 3 times a week, but I don't miss talking right now. I think I like this break. We talked about me writing 3 times a week, like I was having a sesh with her, but I'm not feeling it. If that were the case, I'd be doing it now. I'm fine with just not having to do this therapy thing for a few weeks. VACATION!

On a side note, it's so crazy about Michael Jackson. Wow, I don't really know what to say. I feel bad that it's kind of taking the limelight away from Farrah Fawcett though.

Also, I didn't recognize it, but Sunday was Polly's birthday. I think about her a lot.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


My three weeks without Charro should fly by. It's already Thursday. Week one is almost up and I don't even care that she's away. I'd rather spend time talking about Italy when she gets back because that is way more interesting to me than talking about me. My life is pretty uneventful.

I will go back home on Monday. I will go to the beach, work, and to the doctor. I think I have a staph infection, again. I had one a few years ago and it apparently never leaves your system. So, my leg looks like it has 5 red zits on it, and of course I have to play with them and pop them and stuff. Probably not the best thing for them. So I will see the doc Monday night. Tuesday morning I have to go to the dentist to get my tooth fixed. I chipped the enamel off one of them and it hurts whenever I eat something cold or sweet. Then I will go back to the beach or maybe just float around in my pool. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Then I will come back here Tuesday night. Wednesday I will work out and then play field hockey at night. Nothing planned until July 4th, when I will have people over. I will probably go home on the 5th and stay home until the 7th, so I can enjoy the sun again. I need to "turn a corner" before Charro gets back. Then I will go home again on the 11th because my bro and his family will be in town and I haven't seen my nieces in a year. Then I will come back on the 13th and go see Charro. See, time flies and I'm doing fine without her. I guess I'll tell her about the woman at the gym who made a comment to me.

Oh, I made my doctor's appt. for 7 PM so I could enjoy the sun. I hung up and realized that I should have gone in the morning so I would weigh less when they weigh me. So, I'll have to eat light on Monday so I don't weigh a lot when I go there. I wonder what I'll weigh. Last time I was there I was down a few pounds. It doesn't really make sense though because they weigh me with all of my clothes on and they don't even care if I have shoes on. Of course, I take off my shoes. Point being, of course I'm going to weigh less in the summer than in the winter. Hello, I'm wearing half the clothes. Anyway, the past few times I've gone to the doctor my weight has gone down. She said something to me last time because my cholesterol was high but I had lost weight. She said that it didn't make sense that my cholesterol would go up after losing weight, and that it was probably wrong. So, maybe I'll weigh less on Monday, which will be nice. I wonder if I'll be double digits on their scale. The thing that stinks is that I will have just eaten dinner. Hmm, maybe I can eat when I get home or something, but my rents would think that something was up. I wonder if my doc would say something to me about my weight. I don't think she would since I'm going for something totally unrelated and she has no idea about my eating issues.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Don't think it's necessary anymore

I feel like I sort of have caught up on some blogging stuff. Well, not really but I want to feel like I have caught up, though it may not be possible. I think I feel like I'm caught up when I respond to peoples' comments, even if they're not as lengthy as I would like my responses to be. I'm just beat right now. I've been non-stop since Sunday. I rushed home after I taught class and had 2 friends with me. One of my friends stayed with me until yesterday. We rode the train back with my 5 year old nephew, who stayed with me last night. He and I were out all day and then I took him back on the train, dropped him off, hopped on the train again, got frozen yogurt for dinner, showered and here I am. Blah!

Some recent thoughts...I'm kind of thinking that I don't need to go see Charro anymore. I'm doing fine without her. I don't really have anything to talk about so why should I keep going? I don't really have anything that I want to change at this point in time. Maybe all of this is my "Carmine mind" at work, but who knows. I don't want to have to think about stuff all of the time and I haven't been, but that could be because I haven't had time and maybe has nothing to do with me not talking to Charro this week. I really like Charro but I really don't think I need to go anymore. What's the point? I'm doing fine not talking all of the time.

With that said, I didn't get to work out at all today. I walked a lot with my nephew, but it was at a very slow pace, so I feel like I need to go to the gym tomorrow morning and work out tomorrow night before I teach class. I don't even want to look at the calories I've burned for the week so far because I know it's awful. We cancelled field hockey for the night because of the weather. I usually burn a ton of calories on Wednesdays and today I burned none. Blah!

I think that's it for now. Maybe I'll write more later. Maybe I should just stop seeing Charro before her pregnancy leave. Hmm...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Another comment at the gym

I'm heading to bed in a minute but I wanted to blog quickly before I go to bed. I went to my gym this morning and saw a woman whom I haven't seen in a while. Of course the first thing she said to me was "You got so skinny," or something to that extent. I was like "Not really." Well, let me just say that she has a daughter who was anorexic/a compulsive exerciser. Anyway, we were on the elliptical together and I got off after 15 minutes to hop on the treadmill. She said "You're all done?" I said, "Yeah, I don't really work out anymore." She looks at me and says, with a concerned look, "Then how you did you get so thin?" I was like "I'm just kidding. I'm getting on the treadmill." She commented on how thin my face looked.

I know that I feed off of these comments. I like them. I wasn't as uncomfortable with her telling me that lost weight and looked skinny as I was when that other woman said it to me a few weeks ago, who knows why.

Anyway, I'm heading back to NYC tomorrow with my nephew. I'll be able to catch up on blogs tomorrow night after he goes to bed. Hope everyone is well.

I need to weigh myself and I'm not going to like it again...I know that. I ate too much today.

More gross weather!

It's another cold and crappy day out. No sign of sun until next Monday. THIS SUCKS!!! June has completely sucked and it's making everyone depressed. We've had a total of 2 days of sun this month, no joke! I have NO tan left. Even Charro said that I'm losing my tan. Speaking of Charro, I'll see her three weeks from today. I'm digging the "pretend it doesn't exist and ignore it" way of dealing with things. Seems to work well.

I'm heading to the gym. I need to run! My parents and my friend are still asleep. Hopefully I'll get a good workout in. I am sleepy, probably the stupid weather. I was satisfied with my weight this morning, considering how much I ate yesterday. Okay, I just stepped out of myself for a minute and looked at my dinner and I didn't really eat "that much." I guess I can see that, but at the time it felt like a lot. I just ate more than usual, but I'm okay today.

Okay, I have to go brush my teeth and go to the gym in this gross weather. Looks so yucky out.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Still sleepy and still crappy outside

Will it be weird having a friend at home with me? I go to be pretty early and wake up early, she goes to bed later than I do, I think, and wakes up later. The waking up later isn't an issue, but what will she do when I want to go to bed because I have to wake up early to work out so I can go to work? Is she going to sit and watch tv with my dad in the family room? I guess she can go into another room and watch tv. It's still weird though, right? Not so much for me, but for her.

A few weeks ago my parents moved Bertha (my scale at home). It's still in the bathroom but they angled it funny so I'd have to totally turn it around to weigh myself. I'm guessing that they did this so they'd know if I weighed myself. I could be totally over-thinking that, but I don't know. So, I just turned it back around when I was done weighing myself. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm just going to leave it as is. My sis will be home, so maybe they'll think she weighed herself. I hate having to move my scale all the time because I feel like it messed up the calibration. Clearly that bothers me.

I'm still tired. I went to bed late than I wanted to. I made dessert to bring home with me. I have to lug all my stuff to the gym and then I am leaving from there. I am going to 6y77777777777777666666666666666y7 (That was from my cat. He just steps over anything he wants). As I was saying, I am going to pick up some Italian pastries for my dad. Have I mentioned that Charro is in Italy?? Kidding, I know I have. I am so freaking jealous that she is there. It kills me a bit.

So this post was all over the place. I just want to sleep. I can't sleep on the train because I'll have to talk to my friends. I'll miss my kitties because they are my babies. I'll see my nephews, whom I love more than anything. I have to get my dad a present, is that a problem? Actually, I blew up a picture of us but didn't get a frame. Looks like I'm stopping at the store on the way to the gym because I also have to get him a card. Good job me! I've had all the time in the world and didn't do it. Good news is that I get to see Charro three weeks from tomorrow...that's like forever!

I have a new coping mechanism. It's called "Let's just pretend everything is always fine so I don't have to think about it." I guess that's not really new for me but I'm reinstating it! Pretend things are find or non-existent and everything will be okay.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

My eyes are falling out

I am sooo freaking tired and I'm not sure why. I've been falling asleep since 7 PM, how much longer can I hold out?

I had fun with my friends from California. I showed them around Central Park a little and we came back to my apartment. It didn't rain the whole time, so that was good.

I am going home tomorrow and I'm going to have to act somewhat normal food wise because I will have a friend staying with me. I will work out before she wakes up and then we will probably go for walks or runs in the afternoon. I won't be on the computer much, so I probably won't get to check in with you guys. Not sure if I'll even get to blog. We shall see. At least my parents can't say anything about my eating because other people will be around. ;) That's the good thing.

I am thirsty but my water is not in arms reach. I'd have to actually move, or sit up to get it. For the record, 5 minutes have passed and I haven't moved yet. I stared blankly at the tv though.

I should make some dessert to bring home with me but I don't feel like it. I don't want to munch on any of it either. I feel like I need to work out a lot right now and I won't get to do that tomorrow. Monday I should get a good workout in and Tuesday I will hopefully get a good workout in too. Wednesday I won't be able to work out because I will have my nephew here with me. Oh dear. I can work out Friday, which I usually don't do because I see Charro in the morning, but she won't be here so I will work out. Friday will mark 1 week of her being gone, sort of..."only" two more after that. Week two is usually the hardest. I need to do things to make it go by fast.

Maybe I should make a dessert. Hmmm....I just want to sleep...and not eat.

Female stuff sucks

Can I tell you how much I hate cramps?! I've been all dressed and ready to go to the gym but I feel too crappy to go. Okay, I'm not all dressed, I still have my boxers on, but the top of me is dressed. I almost threw up. I can't wait to see what pregnancy will be like for me. I'll probably be puking my brains out for the first three months. Yuck! I know they say working out helps and makes you feel better, but I can't exactly go to the gym when I feel like I'm going to boot. Maybe I'll just go this afternoon, since it's going to be pouring rain...again.

So Charro is in Italy. Man, I wish I was in Europe. I've been thinking a lot about my trip to Amsterdam last summer and how much I loved it. I loved the European lifestyle. For some reason I feel like it would be healthier for me to live over there. I just feel like the food is more natural and not filled with all the crap that our food has. It's not like I really eat crap, but even the simple things like cheese and stuff. I don't really know what I'm talking about.

I think Charro will come back looking a lot more pregnant. I know it's only three weeks, but still. I don't want to wish my summer away, since we haven't even had any ounce of summer weather yet, but I can't wait until July 13th when she is back.

I am so tired, can I just go back to bed? Nope, I'm meeting up with some friends from California. I can sleep all day after that in the pouring rain.

See, I'm not "underweight." My body is still functioning like it should be. Part of me wishes it wasn't because I really do hate cramps!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Ciao Charro

So today was my last sesh with Charro until July 13th. Very sad. :( She asked if I was mad at her for leaving and I said "Not mad, but sad." She actually seemed like she was going to miss me a little as we said our goodbyes. I'm sure she won't miss me though, she'll be on vacation, visiting her family in Italy, having a blast. She's bringing her dog too, which is cute. I'm sure that I'll cross her mind, but that's about it.

So I'm sad that Charro is gone...and pretty jealous that she's going to be in Italy. I'm not sure which is worse, my sadness that I won't get to see her for three weeks or the envy I have for her being in her home country, where I want to visit oh so badly!! I do have some plans though. Usually week two of her being away is the hardest for me. Next week should go by pretty quickly. I'm going home on Sunday for Father's Day. Two of my friends are coming with me, one is staying with me until Tuesday and the other is only staying for the day. Hopefully we will get to go to the beach while we're home, but the weather isn't looking too promising. IT SUCKS!! I am coming back here Tuesday, with my little nephew...unless my sister doesn't let me take him because she hates me. Though Charro doesn't seem to think she hates me from the email that I read to her from my sis. Who knows.

Charro was cool today. She was all dressed down too, in like sweat pants and stuff because she's "travelling." Ha! I can always tell when she's going somewhere by her outfit. I'll be like "You're wearing jeans?" She'll say "I'm travelling." Ahhh, okay!

So that is that. Oh, I have not lost any weight ladies. No need to fret on that. Don't worry, I'm still all here.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Nice email, sis.

I've been tied up all day. I don't have much to write about. My mom came in and blah blah, it was fun with just her but not with some of the others I had to be with.

Got an email response from my sister this morning. She's so friendly...Not! I am not going to respond back. I do need to print it out for Charro though.

Speaking of Charro, she leaves tomorrow for her 3 week vacation. That sucks a big ass. I'm on my own until July 13. Oh well. We'll see what happens. I think my 50 minutes is going to go by way to fast tomorrow.

I wonder if she'd really fire me if she knew what I weighed??? Part of me thinks no, but most of me thinks that she would because she's such a hardass when it comes to that stuff. I'd like to think that she'd feel bad and want to help me, but I know she'd be like "I can't treat you at this weight." Blah! Not really something to worry about since she won't be around to fire me anyway.

Sooo tempted

I found a direct flight to Rome for $642. I can leave on Saturday and stay for 10 days. I'm honestly thinking about just going. What the hell? Why not? Only problem, I don't have a place to stay. I actually have a friend from Rome, whose family is there, but it's not like I'd ask if I could go stay with them. Maybe I should call my dad and see if he wants to go. Calling him...

I've been DYING to go to Italy and what better time to go. Charro will be away so I won't miss any appointments with her. It's perfect!! Seriously, I want to do this so badly. It's so cheap!!

My mom is on her way and it's pouring rain out!! Blah!

OOOH, maybe I will go while she is on maternity's even cheaper and gives me time to plan and save money.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I'll just stay pissed

First of all, this weather completely sucks. It just keeps being cold, cloudy and raining. I am going to jump off of my roof!!

We got yelled at for playing field hockey on the grass in the park for the second week in a row. WTF? It's a freaking public park!! We were so pissed about that. Well, I've been pissed since Monday and everything else is just adding to it.

My mom is coming tomorrow and it's going to be cold and rainy, of course. Grrr. So freaking annoying. I don't even feel like going off on anything else.

Today I had the thought that I should just eat whatever I want and puke it up while Charro is gone. Now, I know I won't do that but it sounded really good to me for a minute. Not that it doesn't still sound good, sort of, but I definitely won't do that. I know myself too well.

I'm cold. I put my t-shirt on backwards and I don't even care. I need to put on more clothes. Maybe I should have some tea, but I don't really feel like it.

I'm sad that I won't see Charro for three weeks after Friday. Okay, it just over 21 days, which doesn't make it sound that bad. I think it's like 24 days or something like that. Blah!

A firey sesh

I had a good sesh with Charro last night. Lord knows I had a lot of anger to try and get out. I was on fire last night. I could have kept talking forever. I was so fired up!! I know this thing with my sis isn't over yet either, which sucks because Charro leaves on Friday for three weeks. I don't want to her go away, but I have no choice and I will be ok.

I think I'll email my sis today, since I hate talking. Not sure what I'll say, but I'll think of something.

I had a blind date after my sesh so I had to put my happy face on. As I was walking out of Charro's office I said "I'll put my happy face on" and smiled. She made a sort of sad face. Oh well. Oh, and my dad called 3 times while I was in there. I finally answered because I was afraid he needed help getting from the airport to the train station, or something. I didn't have my phone on, but I had it out in case he called. I was worried he would need to ask me a question. I was pretty abrupt with him. When he asked how I was, I said "fine." He goes "you don't sound fine." Well, I was sort of in the middle of something. So Charro saw my lying to my dad about where I was too. It was interesting on her end, I'm sure.

I have nothing else to say.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Completely crappy

Day started off with me missing my train by literally 2 minutes, after my sesh with Charro. My sis picked me up from the train and proceeded to yell at me in the car for "talking trash" about her to her neighbor and husband. I wouldn't call it trash, I was talking about her but I didn't say anything that wasn't true! She continued to yell at me for 10 minutes in the house, in front of her 5 year old. I felt like shit and wanted to cry the whole time. She was in the kitchen and I was in the other room and she was yelling at me. My nephew said "How come mom is yelling at you?" Great for the kids to hear, huh? She said "I can't believe my own flesh and blood would spread rumors about me in our town." I said, "I wasn't spreading rumors, it was all true." She was like "How would you like it if people were talking about you and if I went and started saying things about you around town?" You know what, fine! I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not hiding anything. If you want to go around telling people that I have an eating disorder than I don't really care. Well, I'm sure I would care but at least I could blame it on it being and illness and not me being a dumbass (Though others might see it as being a dumbass). I don't think anything would look down at me because of it, so whatever. I didn't say any of that to her, but I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, and clearly she is ashamed of her behaviors. She shouldn't have cheated on her husband! So there!!

I am so pissed, well, more upset than pissed. I don't even want to rehash the whole thing. It's too long. At least I have material for Charro tomorrow...lots of material. It's going to be really great when I have to call my sister for a ride to the train station tomorrow. Blah! I would like to drive off a bridge.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Time for sleep

I'm sleepy. I went to the gym to teach, no one showed up so I worked out a little, came back, met up with my friend from high school who's been in town for the past week, walked to the park, hung out, came back, went to the roof for a bit, vacuumed, polished my table, hung out with another friend and did laundry. Woo, bed time.

So my friend S., from high school, and I have been hanging out all week. She's here from Australia. She took my headshots last weekend, and did a heck of a good job as far as I'm concerned. I actually think I look good in some and think I look skinny...I know, shocking! We've been having fun and she has the cutest little 2 1/2 year old daughter. She's adorable. Anyway, S. has some eating issues herself. She told that she was bulimic for 7 years, who knew! Nuts, so we talk a lot about that stuff. She leave NYC on Thursday but is trying to move back here.

I don't know what else. Charro in the morning then off to the train. Then off to see a client, then to my nephew's field day at school, then home. My mom and I are going to get a pedi. My dad gave us gift certificates for Christmas and we're finally going to use them. We're not really the type to get our nails done that often. My dad is away with my brother so my mom and I will have some time to ourselves. Hopefully she will not bring up Charro or eating or anything. Ugh!!

I have to go to the dentist on Tuesday morning. I think I have a cavity but hopefully I don't. Speaking of, I need to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Seriously, this weather blows

It has rained 11 out of the 14 days in June. This weather completely sucks. I can't stand it. It's dark and gloomy here again today. My tan is fading and I am going insane!!! UGH!!

So I'm thinking that I'll just forget about everything and do no thinking while Charro is gone. I think I wrote about this, maybe, but we talked about me writing to her like I was talking to her during the times I'd usually be with her. She thinks this will prevent me from clamming up. I liked the idea at first, but now I seem to be hedging towards taking a complete vacation from all of this therapy stuff myself. I think that's what I did last year and I enjoyed it. I don't remember how it turned out by the time Charro was back and I had to talk about. I can't remember if I opened up or if it took me a while to start talking about. I don't know, but I'll discuss my vacation idea with her tomorrow. Maybe she will like it. Who knows. I just know that she really wants me to stop open and not shut down. Please, I'll have a deadbolt on me by the time she gets back from her maternity leave. That will be a blast, but that's not until January. Well, she returns in January.

So that's it. I have to teach class again this morning. I bought the best cherries on the street on the way home from class yesterday. I am going to get more today. I still have a bunch left, but they are cheap, 2 lbs for $5. Can't beat that for cherries. I can eat some on the train tomorrow. :)

I forgot to eat dinner last night. I guess I had a big lunch. Well, it wasn't that big but bigger than usual. Then I ate a lot of cherries and some Twizzler Nibs and felt nasty. I wasn't hungry and didn't really want anything so I didn't eat dinner. I got hungry around 10 PM so I had half a mini bagel and then went to bed.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Not as crappy today

I was in a crappy mood all day yesterday. Last night I was just yucky. I think it probably had to do with my dream. Then I started thinking about Charro leaving for 3 weeks next week. Hopefully those three weeks will go by fast, but not fast enough to wish away my summer.

Last night I was having those I never want to eat again feelings. It had nothing to do with my weight. I weighed myself and was fine with what I weighed. I woke up this morning at a "really good weight." I put that in quotes because in my eyes it is good, in Charro's eyes, well...I'd be fired. I woke up at 5:30 this morning starving. It was so bright noisy in here too, which didn't help my sleeping. I don't particularly like city noise when I sleep, I much prefer the country noises I hear when I go home. (birds, crickets, frogs)

Anyway, back to what I was saying...I kind of wonder, possibly worry, that I might have those not wanting to eat feelings when Charro leaves. I know they won't last for 3 weeks, but maybe a few days or a week. What the hell am I going to do when she goes on maternity leave?? At least I know when she's coming back from vacation and that she'll be there 3x per week. How am I going to do once a week after 8 weeks of not seeing her? Blah. I do not like! I can't control how I feel, unfortunately.

Today I am teaching kickboxing, going to a street fair with one of my high school friends, then going for a bike ride. I need to keep busy so this will be good. Maybe I'll get tan...if the sun decides to come out. Grrr.

I was going to workout before class, but I just looked at my heart rate monitor and I've burned 600 more calories than I thought I've burned already this week. So, I am not working. I don't know I got to the number I'm at, but woo hoo for me.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Charro, Sesh, Dreams, Craziness

What a day so far. I had a pretty intense dream. I'm going to try and make it shorter than the actually dream.

It started off with me at a tavern with my sis and a bunch of her guy friends and her stupid boyfriend. She was reading a list of things she wanted to do. One was "Move out of here by September" and another was "Become really ana." I was pissed by the moving one because none of us (family) knew she was going to move across the country and take the boys with her. Then I was shocked and pissed about the ana one because I had no idea, and I was pissed that she was going to do that to herself and hurt herself like that.

Well, I was SOOOOO pissed off (understatement) about the whole list, though I don't remember the other things on it, that I punched her boyfriend right in the eye and gave him a blackeye. (That's actually something I want to do in real life, more than anything. I hate him). I also punched the guy in the eye who was next to him. It felt so good too.

Then I went to work and Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton (Hello 9 To 5) were my co-workers. I was still so upset and pissed off. Lily kept asking me what was wrong and wanted to talk, but I wouldn't. Dolly came up to me too.

I finally went home (to my house house), where I had a sesh with Charro. I was sitting on my couch in my family room, and she was on the chair right there. Everything was set up just like my house too. I was in the middle of the couch and my brother was at the end on the left side. He was between Charro and me. I just let it all out on Charro and was talking so intensely to her. Meanwhile, my family, including relatives, were sitting in the kitchen. I didn't even care that my bro was there and kind of blocked him out. My dad came up and said something to him about some paperwork and he got up. I was like "My bro was sitting there and I didn't care?"

There was more, but it's kind of irrelevant. I just remember feeling SO angry and upset in my dream. I was totally pissed off.

So, that was the first thing I started with when I got to Charro's office this morning. I had a ton to talk about today...finally. This morning my dad felt the need to read an article on the AOL homepage about a woman who's been battling anorexia for 40 years. I knew he was going to start talking about it so I went and hid in my kitchen while he read it. UGH!! Luckily he didn't say anything to me. All he said was "How can she do that? How is that possible?" in reference to her "quitting" the behaviors for 3 weeks and eating normally." I was like "I don't know, dad."

What a day it has been so far. The sun was out for 5 minutes. Where the hell did it go. I just want to lay out.

I'm in a pretty blah mood now too, after my sesh, and knowing that my sis if very hurt by me talking about her with her husband (yes, I said husband, they're still married and she has a boyfriend) and her neighbor. I didn't really say anything to her neighbor though. Charro said something about her being upset by my actions. I said "My action are a result of her actions. Essentially, my actions are just a reaction. Every action has a reaction. It's basic physics!" That's what I told her, and I believe it's true. I wouldn't be having these reactions if it weren't for her morally wrong actions!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The sun REALLY needs to come out

This weather really blows. I mean REALLY!! If the sun doesn't come out soon, I might lose it. Let me rephrase that, I will lose it!

Anyway, so my dad decided to not come here until after my class. That means two things: 1.) I can work out before class and 2.) He will have already eaten dinner and I can eat dinner before class, like I usually do. Yeah. :) I will probably get to the gym and end up talking and not working out so much. Who cares.

So I think I figured out what bothers me about Charro being gone? I think I'm afraid that something will happen and that I will need her and she won't be there. EW!...that means I've become needy and I do NOT like that. I don't want to be that person. No, no, no! I'll talk to Charro tomorrow about that.

Oh man, I meant to go to the store to buy some "quiet" snacks for my dad because I can't stand to hear him chew. I need to go buy some ice cream!! I will do that in a bit.

I've done enough walking today and my legs are tired. I don't think I'll workout before class.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Pops visiting

My dad is coming to stay with me tomorrow night because he is hopping on a flight out of her on Friday morning. I'm only 15 minutes from the airport so he's coming to stay with me. I guess he's coming tomorrow afternoon and will go to the gym with me while I teach. No, he will NOT be taking class. Charro asked me that last night and said "I would love to hear about that!" Not happening. He'll sit on the roof or something. Actually, scratch that, it's supposed to rain.

So, these are the issues. First, I won't get to workout before class, like I usually do because I don't want to make him sit there longer than he has to. I'm sure he'll want to go out to eat after too. Let's just hope people show up to class tomorrow so I actually get a work out. Seriously, I need to work out before class. Maybe I will go tomorrow morning and do a little.

Here is the other issue. I am really nervous that he is going to bring up my eating and weight. I know he is. He has me to himself and has all the opportunity in the world to do so, and he hasn't said anything to me for months, so I'm sure it's coming!! Can't wait for that.

I also have to try and convince him, per mom's request, that I don't hate my sister. Apparently our (my sister and my) relationship has my dad stressed out and he told me mom that his "kids are going to kill him." Great!! I think he's afraid will end up not talking to each other because that happened with his two nephews. That kills him. So, I have to make him feel better some how.

I think that's about it. I will have to eat normally, or fake it. Charro asked if I was going to eat breakfast out of my "little bowl." I told her that I couldn't do that in front of him. She was happy to see that I at least knew that the bowl is a problem. Blah!! He'll probably want to go out to eat anyway, maybe get a bagel or something. What do I do in that case?? Do I get a bagel? I don't think I can do it. I did it with Charro once. Maybe I can try, we'll see. Blah. Charro would love it if I went to go see her on Friday and told her that I had a bagel for breakfast. Oh, I moved my appointment to 11 Am so I could see my dad off and not have to tell him that I was going to see her.

12:28 PM and post 2 of the day. I'm on a roll.

The Rach in my dream

I had an interesting dream last night, possible because Charro said "delish" in our sesh and I thought of Rachael Ray. I dreamt that I was in a car with Rach and she started asking me about my eating. She was all worried and concerned about my eating. She kept asking me questions and I tried to dodge them a bit but she knew. I don't really remember much more, which is unusual because my dreams are usually pretty vivid. Oh well.

My sesh with Charro was not too exciting. I have my recorder back. Woo hoo! She asked me to delete the sesh from Friday because I left my recorder there and then she thought it turned on and recorded or something. Stink bombs.

I don't feel like working out this morning, but it will be a short one since I'm playing field hockey tonight. I'll probably only do 30 minutes. I need to walk to the school I'll be coaching at to drop off some paper work too.

I think I might be getting sick or something. I feel like I have gunk in my throat and chest. That would stink. Maybe it's pollen or something because I felt it when I walked to Charro. Let's hope that's the case.

As for this switch to digital tv...can they stop making such a big deal about it?? The world will NOT end if your tv doesn't work people. They're acting like it's equivalent to an atomic bomb going if. It's JUST television!!!

Oh yeah, Charro and I talked about the mental illness thing and how I feel about it. I'll have to listen to the tape to remember what we said, exactly. It was at the end of the sesh. I just remember me saying how I don't want to have one and that she can call it anything she wants but not a "mental illness." She wanted to know what I would like her to call it. I didn't know.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Mental Illness, I think not!

I cringe when Charro says that I have "anorexia." Today I was talking and she goes "I'm not going to talk to your eating disorder." I think I gave her a dirty look. Then she said (when talking about the comment I received from the "Scary Fake Psych Lady" at the gym. That's what I've been calling her for the past few years, btw) "Your anorexia loves that." Ugh, must she say that? So that makes me cringe, but what makes me cringe even more is when she says it's a mental illness. I refuse to believe that I have a mental illness. That is just something I will never accept. Call me anorexic all you want, but don't refer to it has a mental illness, please. Technically, I know that's what it is, I guess, but I cannot accept that I would be put into that category. I just can't.

In other news, I don't think I'll ever get over this ED crap. I don't see how it's possible. I feel like there's really no point in trying. It's not like I'm hurting myself. My life could definitely be much better but I'm not in any danger, health wise.

This was my 4th post today. That is nuts!

This annoys the hell out of me

When did THE prom become known as just "prom?" Seriously, that drives me INSANE!!! It's THE people...THE, THE, THE, THE...THE prom!!!!

No recorder today.

Charro forgot to bring my recorder today. I told her that I wouldn't be able to talk now. I said "What if we talk about something good?" She was like "I want to hear what you consider 'good.'" I was like, "I don't know" but she didn't buy that one. I really don't know unless I hear what it is we're talking about and think it's meaningfull enough to be considered "good" in my mind. So she wants me to make a list of the things I think are "good" and bring it tomorrow. I really don't know what they are so I guess I won't be making a list.

It was a pretty uneventful sesh. I had nothing to talk about. She ended by saying "Move forward and eat good meals today." I was like "You said that last Tuesday night."

So that was my boring sesh. Blah, I need to come up with something "good" to talk about tomorow. She is supposed to bring my notes for me tomorrow too, which will be boring to read, but I still like to read them anyway.

I had a busy weekend. It was fun, the only problem is that I did not get to lay out once and it was gorgeous out, especially yesterday. I am bumming about that. Today...cloudy and gross. What the...!

Yesterday I taught class, met up with a friend from high school who is visiting and she took my headshots, then I met up with another friend. It was fun.

My stupid satellite tv is out so they are coming to fix it today. So annoying. I wanted to watch the Tony Awards last night. Oh well.

I weigh "too much" this morning. I can't sleep in the morning because it gets too bright and noisy in here, plus my "Little Bastard" cat come and claws at me early in the morning because he wants some loving and food, I think. I end up with scratches all over me, which is also nice.

I guess I should shower. I have Charro in 2 hours. Maybe she'll wear "the outfit." ;)

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Honestly, I'd like to know...

I was working out at my gym at home (home being the place I was born and raised), and I was running on the treadmill. Behind me, on the elliptical, was a woman I know, with a background in psychology I might add. Anyway, I got off the treadmill because I forgot my headband and my whispies were annoying me, falling all in my face. I got on the elliptical next to the lady I know and she says to me, "You look so skinny. Have you lost weight?" Seriously, really, how is one supposed to answer that??? Honestly, I'd like to know. I went with, "No, I don't think so. I think it's because I look tan." That's the answer I usually go with. But really, how am I supposed to answer that?? I would really like to know.

On another note, it made me happy that she said I looked really skinny and asked if I had lost weight. I admit it, I liked it. I just wish it didn't put me in an uncomfortable spot when it comes to giving an answer.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Missed the train

I left Charro's office after a non eventful sesh. She started talking about how she can't find Burt's Bees, or any natural sunscreen with SPF under 15. So she was going on and on about it and then she goes "What are you avoiding? I'm talking about sunscreen and going on and on about it." I go "ME??!! You're the one who brought up sunscreen. I'm not avoiding anything. YOU brought it up!" She goes, "That's because you're unconscious is sending me messages to talk about other things." I was like "Oh really?" It was pretty funny.

So I ran out of her office, got to the subway at 10 AM and have to get to the train station for a 10:07 train. Needless to say, it didn't happen. I was sweating to death when I got there, like sweat literally dripping down my face and my back the whole subway ride. Got to the subway only to find that I lost my Metrocard (subway card). I think it fell out of my pocket. Good thing is that I only have 4 dollars left on it. Then I realized that I had forgotten my recorder (again) in Charro's office. I couldn't call her until I got to the train station because I had no cell service. I called her, she answered and I told her to turn it off and stuff. She was like "Did you make your train?" Um, not so much.

That was about it. The rest of the day doesn't matter much. Got my hair done. Now I'm home and doing laundry and so ready for bed.

My parents moved my scale. I think they put it there so they could tell if I weigh myself. So, I weighed myself and put it back the exact same way it was. Of course, that freaks me out because I don't like to move it too much because it messes up the calibration. Ugh!! Hate that. I won't let them know I weigh myself though!!

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Rushing stressers

I don't really have much to say. I was hungry a lot today, which was annoying. See, I guess I'd rather not have an appetite. I feel like I gained weight. Well, I know that I gained weight, so it's not that it's just a feeling. I didn't eat anything bad, so I guess it's not too bad and everything will be fine.

I didn't get to work out as long as I would have liked before my class started. One of the the managers at the gym was talking to me for a bit. I was getting antsy as I wanted to hop on the elliptical! Blah. I didn't burn the 700 calories that I wanted to, but I came close. I'll get to where I "need" to be by Sunday.

I have Charro tomorrow and then I need to haul ass to the train station and hopefully make my train in time. I will have about 10 minutes to get there, so if the stars are aligned for me, I will make it. I need to run to the subway, carrying all of my crap, then hope that the express train shows up as I get there, then hop off and run to my train. It's going to be stressful and I hate time stressers. Those get me the most stressed out of anything. I don't want to have to wait an hour for the next train. I have a hair appointment and I have to go to the office. Ugh!

That's about it. Charro leaves 2 weeks from tomorrow. I'm not liking that so much, but it will be okay...I think.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

It hasn't been so good, I know

In the spirit of Charro, (also Charro's new saying, "In the spirit of...") "let's call a spade a spade" and say that my eating has not been that great lately. It's not intentional. I will eat when I'm hungry...most of the time. It's just that lately I have not been hungry so I haven't really been eating much. I think if I was keeping an FFJ right now, Charro would not like the "food" part of the FFJ.

I sort of feel like it's pointless to discuss the food stuff with her because it's surface stuff...though I'm not really sure what's below the surface. I guess I should maybe mention it, but who knows. What's there to say, really? I don't know.

On another note, I started walking to field hockey and it started pouring. Needless to say, we did not play. I was counting on burning at least 500 calories tonight playing, now my whole week is thrown off because of it. I like to turn a certain number of calories per week and I'm hoping I get there this week. My schedule is all messed up because I won't be here on Saturday to go for my Central Park run and that is tweaking with my head a little. I need to burn 700 calories tomorrow to make this happen. Yes, I hear the obsessiveness in my head.

So, instead of field hockey tonight, I did laundry. Now isn't that a blast!! Tomorrow is cleaning day. I don't go to the gym in the morning because I teach and workout at night on Thursdays. I tend to get antsy so I vacuum and clean on Thursdays. Works for me. :)

Not appealing

This whole nothing appeals to me food wise thing is getting annoying. I'll be hungry and have absolutely NO clue what it is that I want to eat because nothing sounds good. Last night I had frozen yogurt for dinner. That was not high on Charro's list of things for me to eat, but nothing sounded good. That didn't even sound that great but it sounded better than anything else. So, that's what I had.

Same thing happened for lunch. I waited until I got really hungry though and then just went out and got pizza. At least it tasted good when I ate it.

So my boss calls me up earlier and was like "Cancel your class tomorrow night. You need to come to an event with me." I was like "I can't just cancel my class." He was like "See if you can find someone to teach for you." I told him I would do that, but in reality, I am not going to hop on the train for 2 hours to go to this event, cancel my class for it, and then I'd also have to cancel Charro for Friday morning too. That is my big issue. I can't cancel Charro because my time with her is limited. She's only here for 2 more weeks and then she leaves for Italy. :( So, I feel awful but I am going to tell him that I tried to get someone to teach for me and had no luck. I really should go to this event, but he gave me 24 hours notice. It's not like it's during my work hours. I'd have to completely change around me schedule. I'm feeling guilty that I'm not going to go. Is this totally wrong that I'm not going to go. I really can't miss Charro. I can't get back here in time for her either because I have to go back home on Friday, so I'd be back and forth on the train 4 times in less than 12 hours. I hate this.

I don't even want to have to think about dinner. Maybe I just won't be hungry and won't have to try and figure out what it is that I want. I will probably be ravenous after field hockey though.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

I'm a clam

I'm listening to my sesh with Charro on my new recorder. So far so good. Oh, I got the coaching job. I go tomorrow to fill out the paper work and stuff.

So Charro and I discussed what might happen to me while she's away, and not on her three week vacation, but on her maternity leave. She is afraid that I will "close up like a little clam." She informed me that "unhealthy clams," clams that don't open up when they are cooked, are bad for you, meaning that they are not good to eat, and I become that "unhealthy clam" when I don't talk to people. (What she said, verbatim, is that "the clams that don't open when you cook them are not healthy). I don't eat seafood so I don't know this stuff.

I told Charro that I have no appetite for anything, meaning that I don't know what I'm in the mood for ever. I have no cravings and nothing sounds appealing to me. She said "I wish I could tell you to just eat" and that everything would be okay and that I would be happier. She said "trust me." Why can't I trust her? I heard the honesty in her voice and how she really wants me to be okay. I wish it was that easy. She knows it's not.

Shiites, I'm really going to miss her when she's gone. I guess my fear is that I will legitimately lose my appetite, like I did when I found out she was pregnant, and really just not eat. What I mean by that is that I won't just not eat to lose weight and not eat even when I'm hungry, I will just have no desire to eat. I guess that's a good thing to talk about with her on Friday. :( She leaves for vacation in 2 weeks. Yuck!

I really don't like my arms

My cat is all flip floppy, sleeping on top of my bed. So cute. The other one is on the back of a chair.

I need to go buy soil and pots so I can transfer my pepper plants.

I have to leave for Charro in 2 hours because I am walking there. I always allow myself much more time than I need, but whatever. It takes me less than an hour to walk the 4 miles, if I don't get stuck at too many lights are stuck behind slow people. I found the fastest, though not the most exciting avenue to walk down. Less traffic so it's better.

I'm walking to burn calories, I admit it. I didn't work out today so I definitely need to walk. I'm just hoping it doesn't start raining or something before then. I woke up this morning and realized that my arms are huge and flabby and I hate them. So, before I left my apartment, all dressed up, I did some push-ups, tricep push-ups, and some shoulders and bicep curls. I was wearing a sleeveless shirt so I had to try and make my arms look a little better. I don't think it worked.

Still don't have much of an appetite, but I sort of feel like i might be getting a bit hungry now, since I didn't have lunch. I had a little snack. I hear Charro's voice in my head over and over again telling me that I have to eat meals even if I am not hungry. You know what, I don't want to and I'm not going to if I'm not hungry. That's how it goes for me. I can't help it. I don't know what will happen while Charro is gone for three weeks, and who knows what the hell will happen when she's gone for 2 months. Ugh. I'm sure I won't waste away or anything. It hasn't happened before when she goes on vacation so I'm sure it won't happen now. Besides, it would kill my father if I lost weight. He has enough stress with everything that's going on with my sis and her marriage, I don't need to add to it anymore than I already do. I just wish he and my mom didn't worry about me.

Okay, I think I'll change my clothes and go get planting stuff.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Why is it always dinner time?

It's dinner time. What am I thinking? I am not really sure. I'm thinking that I should eat, but I'm not really hungry. I'm thinking I'm really in the mood for the strawberries that I bought today. I could have a protein shake. I should have a protein shake because I haven't really had any protein today. Maybe I will do that. I know I "need" to eat but when I'm not hungry I find it really hard to force myself. My mind goes, oh well, I'm just not hungry therefore I do not need to eat. Why force myself if I don't want it? If I happen to lose weight, that will be fine with me. Charro, on the other hand, disagrees with that. She says I need to eat even when I'm not hungry. She wasn't happy that I didn't eat lunch after our breakfast on Friday. She said it defeated the purpose of having the breakfast. Well, like I said, I'm not going to force food down my throat if I'm not hungry.

My stupid recorder was F'ed up again so I went and bought a new one. This one better work. I don't like it as much. It has no on/off switch, wtf? It just stays "on" all the time. I've never heard of such a thing.

Anyway, Maybe I'll go cut up my strawberries and make a protein shake. I had lunch even though I wasn't hungry. I didn't finish it, but I ate most of it. Oh well. Whatever. I don't really care.

***** It's been 30 minutes since I wrote this. I have yet to get up and get something to eat and my motivation is slowing fading to do so. Well, let's call a spade a spade, it has completely faded for the moment.

*** I ate.