Sunday, May 31, 2009

An E.D. break

Why am I not in bed??...Because I just finished watching Dateline, which was all about Taylor Swift. Between watching that and going to watch my friend Sfarky's band play, I REALLY, I mean REALLY want to try and get a band together so I can sing some country music man.

I wish I had the talent to write songs. I've tried in the past but haven't been so successful. I don't really have any life experiences to write about. I am a huge lyrics person and really listen to them. I think songwriters are so incredibly talented. I wish I had 1/8th of their talent. They are amazing.

Anyway, I am becoming more of a Taylor fan. I've seen her live many times while working awards shows and wasn't a big fan. She was always off key and out of tune, but now she's really growing on me. I think her songs are really catchy. She writes them all, which I love, and is just so incredibly talented in so many other ways. (Dateline just confirmed that for me). It's amazing to see how composed she is at 19 years old. I'm in awe.

Anyway, that was my random post for the night. I guess I should go to bed so I can wake up and go see Charro in the morning.

The perfect scale

Why can't there be a scale that is completely accurate?? That's all I ask for. It's like how I like to know what the exact time is (you know, like the one on your cell phone or cable tv). That's what I want out of a scale. I want one that is consistent and won't give me different readings if I step on three times in a row. Is that too much to ask for??

I am not happy with my weight today. Blah!! I know it will go down, but it better go down today. I hate it. I'm up a pound from yesterday. WTFers. I'm heading to the gym in a little bit. I guess I'll be working out before I teach class. I wonder if anyone will show up to take class today. Hmm.

Tonight I'm going to see our old friend "Sfarky's" (not blogging anymore) band. Woo hoo. Sfarky Sfarkerson, the Sfarkmeister!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

The evidence is gone

The sun was finally out today. Yay!! Ran in the park and laid out. I'm getting ready to go to dinner with some friends. I'm starving right now but don't want to eat anything because I'm going out and will have to eat then. I do have some cherries in the fridge, most of which are probably nasty, but I can eat a few of those.

"44" told me that I have "no fat" on my body and that he wants to take me out for a "nice, fattening dinner." Well, I literally had to kick "44" out of my apartment last night. He thought he was going to stay over, but he thought wrong!! He was like 'How come you're not in bed?" I said, "Because someone else is in it. I can't sleep with people in bed with me." Translation, you're not welcome. I don't like you like that. GET A CLUE...for the 7 millionth time!! I have fun with him but he doesn't get that I do NOT want a relationship with him.

Anyway, I'm looking forward going to see Charro on Monday morning. I want to tell her about the conversation with my mom, which I'm sure she'll have tons to say about. I also need to fill her in on how I wasn't hungry all day after our breakfast. That made me happy but won't make her too happy.

I feel like weighing myself more often isn't going to hurt me in any way. I guess it probably does, but I have to know what I weigh. I weighed myself just now because I feel like I have to weigh myself before I go out to eat to see where I stand and what I "can or cannot" have. Disordered, I know.


Yesterday, in my sesh, Charro said something about something being "very eating disordered." I looked at her and said "Well I'm very eating disordered. See, now it's on tape." Ironically, my stupid recorded F'ed up again and it wasn't on tape. LOL. No evidence of me saying that now.

Oh, I went to a comedy club last night and our waiter's name was "Chario." I almost peed myself. He was this old, cranky man. Not nice, but I got a good laugh out of it.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Phone conversation with mom about Charro

Just talked to my mom. She asked about Charro after I said "Everyone relies on me for the weather forecast."
"Who's everyone?"
"..., Charro"
"How is she? You haven't mentioned her?"
"Good. She's pregnant."
"So she'll be out for a while."
"Yes. I called her out on it."
"What did you say?"
"Someone in here is pregnant."
(unimportant chatter)
"How often do you see her?"
"Twice a week."
"Is it helping?"
"Yes, I like going."
"Wow. When can you stop seeing her?"
"I don't know. People go for years."
"How long have you been going for?"
"About two years."
"Okay I have to go do some work" (Abrupt conversation closer from my mom).

One good thing about breakfast...

(Breakfast, Post 2)
Is that I'm still not hungry and it's 4:30 PM. I did have the second piece of my toast around 12:30 and a couple of pretzels because I'm doing a taste test for a pretzel company and they're having me try 13 new flavors. How funny is that? I have three days to try all of the flavors.


Anyway, I am not hungry and I started eating breakfast at 9:15 AM and finished around 9:45 AM. I have the rest of my potatoes in my fridge. Like I'll really eat them, who knows. If I get hungry tomorrow I will. If eating that breakfast will keep me full all day long, I'm going to start eating it all of the time. I have a feeling that Charro will not be so thrilled when I tell her that I wasn't hungry all day and just had a piece of toast and some pretzels. I am going out to dinner tonight. I will get hummus and grilled veggies. YUM!! I will tell Charro about this on Monday. I like being able to tell her things, to be honest with her, and to tell her that these things make me feel good even though I know they shouldn't. We'll "explore" that on Monday morning.

Not so bad

So breakfast wasn't that bad. I was (of course) freaking out while we were in there waiting for them to deliver it. I told Charro that I called and cancelled the order. ;) She said "You better not have, I'm starving. You wouldn't want to starve me, would you?" I said "Yes, if it meant I didn't have to eat. I told them to bring the food at 10. Actually, you're eating for two so you have to eat. In fact, you can have mine too. "

So breakfast came. I ate my egg whites. They were fine. I had a piece of toast. It came without butter and Charro was so bummed because she really wanted butter. She was rummaging in the bags looking for butter. I could tell that she really wanted it. I, on the other hand, was quite happy that they forgot to butter the bread!! :) Anyway, ate my eggs, had a piece of toast and then she said "get moving on the potatoes, and have some lemonade too." Ohhhh...the lemonade. I told her I forgot about it. She didn't believe me. Afterall, why should she? It was a bad lie/joking lie.

She didn't make me eat all of my potatoes. She said I did a "good job." The tape should be pretty funny to listen to, if it taped properly and there aren't any technical difficulties with my stupid recorder. I only had one piece of toast too. I was full.

Oh, she asked me if I had breakfast and I was like "No!!" She said "Well you wake up at 4:30 in the morning, I thought you might have had your sticks." LOL. She is pretty funny.

So we ate, chatted a little, she watched me eat, we chatted a little more and then I left. She didn't examine my plate, I don't think. So I survived and life goes on.

T-57 Minutes

Ugh, "breakFAT" with Charro in 57 minutes. YUCK!! This is going to blow chunks. Maybe I'll blow chunks.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Egg time

Tomorrow is breakfast with Charro. Maybe I should call it "breakFAT" since she's making me eat a 9 million calorie breakfast. Eggwhites with cheese, tomato and spinach, home fries, and toast with butter. Ugh, I'm really hoping the diner doesn't put the butter on the bread, but what are the chances of that? I pray that they don't!! I will not put it on even if Charro makes me. Why should I? It has NO nutritional value so why should I eat it? Stupid butter!! Ugh, PLEASE let there be NO butter on that bread. She won't even get me wheat bread, she's getting me white. Ugh, then she'll probably get the lemonade too, which I will refuse to drink. Screw lemonade!! This breakfast is probably 800-1000 calories. That's like my daily intake in one freaking meal. Ugh. You know I won't be hungry when I get there anyway because I will be too nervous about everything. It's going to be SOOO FUN!!! If I wake up early enough, I will walk there. If I wake up by 7, I will do that.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"You seem pissed"

Charro called me out on my pissy mood tonight. She said "You seem pissed." I told her that I've been in a bad mood since last night. I actually think it started in her office last night, but I didn't tell her that. I didn't know why I was in a bad mood. She wanted to know if I could pinpoint where it was coming from, I couldn't. I still can't. I think it's probably just a bunch of things that I'm not really aware of.

I got injured before I even started playing field hockey tonight. I went to the bathroom in the park (in a bathroom. I didn't just plop a squat in the middle of the Central Park), and the door slammed shut on my finger. It's not nice and bruised. I think it looks cool! Then, at field hockey, I went sliding on my ass during a sprint because I didn't bring my cleats because I was only staying for 30 minutes because I had to go to Charro. Well, I slid on my ass and my whole left side. It was funny. I almost wacked my head. Thank God I didn't. Then I got hit in the left shoulder with the ball. It didn't hurt. The door hurt the most.

I left hockey early and ran to Charro's. My appointment wasn't too far away, it was in her "close to me" office.

Sometime I wonder if I'm getting work or getting better. I really don't know. Some days I think I'm doing better and others I don't. I am eating some new things, things that I would never eat before, but I'm still not really eating meals. I don't have much of an appetite again tonight, probably has something to do with my mood. I still don't want to gain any weight, and right now I actually feel like I want to waste away a bit...probably not a good sign. Maybe this is something to talk to Charro about, though like I said in my last post, I don't feel like talking about anything with anyone. I just want to pretend like nothing matters and that nothing bothers me. It would be so much easier that way. I don't like talking and I don't want to talk. I don't have anything earth shattering to say in Charro's office anyway. I know she really wants me to talk more and open up. She probably wonders why I don't talk. Maybe she thinks I don't trust her or something. I trust her, I just don't open up to anyone! It's nothing against her.

I just got really tired all of a sudden. Oh, and if Charro could have had more clothes on tonight, she would have looked like an Eskimo. People must know she's preggers. It's so obvious. The layers, the peasant shirts. Hello!! Everyone knows Charro!! And she says that everyone knows I have an eating disorder. Wake up sis, it's obvious that you're preggers too! ;)

Someone's in a bad mood

I don't feel like going to see Charro tonight. Maybe I should just cancel so I can play field hockey longer and burn more calories. That's more productive than sitting in Charro's office not wanting to talk about anything and having to listen to her ask me stupid questions that I don't want to answer or have answered before. What's the point in going? She leaves for a three week vacation in 3 weeks and then she leaves for a few months come November. So, what's the point in continuing to talk when it's all going to come to a halt. Maybe I'll revert back to all of my old ways. Maybe I should get all obsessive about weighing myself again. Who cares?! I'm beginning to think that I don't really care anymore. It's not worth it. I'll never "get better" anyway so what's the point in trying? Why should I continue to waste my money?

Maybe I'm just mad for some reason and don't feel like talking. I've already sworn off talking about anything with my friends, maybe now I should stop talking to Charro too. She only listens because she has to. My friends don't want to listen so I don't bother talking. Sometimes you're just better off keeping everything to yourself. That's what I'm going with.

Maybe I feel like wasting away in Charro's absence. She clearly thinks I need see her "covering person" while she's gone. She keeps bringing it up and saying that it would be a good idea. Whatevs. I don't really need anyone. I'm fine on my own.

(I know this post probably sounds awful but I'm just in a pissy mood, I think, and this is what comes out. I guess it's probably honest).

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Cranky post

I'm a bit annoyed with my stupid digital recorder. I got home from my sesh with Charro and started to listen to it, and not even a minute into it another sesh, which I had deleted by the way, cut into it so I didn't hear any of my stupid sesh. It's so frustrating. We talked about a lot of stuff tonight too, so I wanted to hear it.

I am so freaking tired and I don't know why. I just got the book "Wintergirls" so I am reading that. I just want to go to bed.

Charro thinks it's a good idea if I see her "covering person" while she's gone. I think it would be dumb. (I definitely have some sort of attitude tonight and I'm not sure why. I think it happened when I was in Charro's office). I can't even talk to her, what makes her think I can talk to someone else and just go in there and talk like she knows everything about me?? I'd have to give her background info and stuff. It would just be more hassle than it's worth. Just seems quite stupid to me. Seriously, what's going to happen to me in 3 months? Nothing. If it does, who cares. The worst thing I'll do is weigh myself more or something, and that's really not a big deal. It's not like I'm going to lose any weight or anything. I don't need to talk to anyone.

I think I need to just go to bed. I'm wiped. This is a cranky-ass post anyway.

To walk or not to walk

I am watching "Hunger Point." I'm actually not a real big fan of this movie, but whatever, it's on so I'm watching it. The mom drives me insane, and so does the sister. Annoying.

I can't decide if I want to walk to Charro tonight or not. I have to figure it out soon because if I walk, I have to leave in 30 minutes. It's cold and gross out, but I was counting on this as part of my workout today so I should walk.

I thought about walking just half way there, but then I fell into the "all or nothing" thinking and thought what's the point of only walking part of the way. Then I won't even bother wearing my heart rate monitor.

Ugh, to walk or not to walk, that is the question. Okay, I'll walk some of the way. I should walk all of the way.

Monday, May 25, 2009

A bit shocked

I just weighed myself. (I know, I'm only supposed to weigh myself once a day, but it's the holidays so I thought I'd throw in a few extra weigh-ins). I felt like I had just eaten ton of food, which apparently I hadn't, because I weighed less than I thought I would weigh. That was a nice surprise. Those are the kind of surprises that I really like. :).

Charro tomorrow. Charro on Wednesday. Charro (and breakfast with Charro) on Friday. Woo hoo. Not really!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Off to dinner...blah

I tend to do a lot of thinking while I'm walking. This is why I wish I had a recorder in my head that would record everything down so I'd remember it when I go into Charro.

I am home now. I was hoping I'd weigh less than I do and now I have to go out to dinner too, and that means I'll weigh even more. Whatever though. Yes, it will bother me, but I will try not to let it bother me too much. I just wish it didn't bother me.

This is what I want to ask Charro, well I guess it's not that I want to ask her a question, but just bring up this thought that I have. I just don't understand how people can go through their day and not give an ounce of thought to food. I'm pretty sure she doesn't, other than the normal what should I order for dinner tonight? (She doesn't cook) I just wonder if she ever thinks I really shouldn't eat this. I don't think she does. I just really cannot fathom how people have normal relationship with food. I just don't understand it for the life of me. It is so foreign to me. I haven't known what that's like for 17 years. Sad, isn't it?

Right now I feel like I want to be thinner. I don't know where that feeling comes from. I'm hoping I don't get any food/weight/body/therapy comments or questions from my parents while I'm home. They haven't said anything directly to me, just hints and beat around the bush type passive comments. The most upfront thing my mom said to me was on Mother's Day when she asked if I had lost weight.


We all know I like bones...that's really all I have to say about that.

I'm watching "In Treatment." Man I wish I had HBO in my apartment. I need to watch all of these episodes but I am not going to watch it with my parents here with me. No way Jose!!

This is boring and I'm talking about nothing so I'm going to stop and go get fatter at dinner. Yah, I am thrilled about that one.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Running and sunning

I went for a nice, long run in the park this morning. The weather was perfect. I then laid out for like 4 hours and "turned a corner." Charro will be pleased. Now I feel like weighing myself. I don't know why I feel like weighing myself so badly right now. I feel like I gained weight in the past 10 hours, but I'm not sure why and I know that that's not really that possible. I'm going out to dinner and I think I'm a little freaked out about that because I just found out that I'm going out to dinner tomorrow night too. That means that I will have two normal meals in a row, probably three because I will be home on Monday and will have to eat with my parents because they think I don't eat. Oh wait, I guess most of the time I don't eat a substantial amount. Blah! Whatever, it's enough for me.

I hate food! I will have leftovers from my dinner tonight, which I will probably end up eating for lunch tomorrow before I hop on the train to head home, only to go home and have to go out to eat. Again, yuck...food. Blah. I don't want to gain weight. I hate weight and I hate food. Ugh, and I hate that I have to have breakfast with Charro on Friday, unless she doesn't feel well again. However, if that happens again, she will probably just order for me and make me eat by myself. That would be torturous.

I guess I need to get ready to go. My eyes are tired and I have a right side headache, either from running or the sun. It happens.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Breakfast bagged

I am sweating and sleepy. I went for a nice long walk with my friend in the park tonight. The weather is great but right now I am having a hot flash.

Charro this morning: I asked her when in Nov. she is due and she said mid, so that buys me a little more time. Maybe she'll *only* be gone for 6 weeks. (gasp). What will I do?? She asked if I would talk to a "covering person." I thought it was funny that she called her a "covering person." I was like "What do you think?" She goes "That's why I asked." I said that I wouldn't do it and that I couldn't just talk to some "random person who knows nothing about me." She said, "It's not like I'd just get some random person off the street." I don't think I would do it, even is something crazy came up, I can't see myself calling the "fill in" person and talking to her when she knows nothing about me. It would just be weird. I am really going to miss Charro. I'm starting to get a little better with this talking business and telling her what's really on my mind. I'm not good at it by any stretch of the means, but better. Still plenty of room for improvement.

My arm is still sore and numb a little. I am sitting on my balcony and it is so nice out. I just got really tired and can't think about all of the other stuff I wanted to write so maybe I will go to bed.

Breakfast with Charro has been rescheduled to next Friday. Blah! She said she almost just ordered for me and was going to make me eat them by myself but she didn't. Thank God. I don't know why she has to feed me an 800 calorie breakfast and throw on her favorite lemonade on top of it. So, it then becomes like a 1000 calories meal, which is basically a day's consumption for me. Um, no thanks Charro!!

U.N.G. pictures

I posted the U.N.G. pics on my other blog. You can go there to see them, though if you click on them and try to make them larger they are all blurry for some reason, so I may end up having to post them on here, if you guys can't see them. The password to see them is "ung."

I am listening to my sesh with Charro and have been thinking a lot. I'll need to write tonight, or later, I just don't have it in me right now.

I just killed a bug on myself.

No eggs :)

Charro postponed our breakfast this morning because she wasn't feeling well. I said, "maybe you're pregnant." LOL. She thinks it has nothing to do with her pregnancy but she didn't think she could stomach anything but crackers. I was clearly disappointed. She sent me an email at 8 this morning, so I had time to have my "little bowl of sticks" before I left for my 9 AM appt.

I am so tired and need to go on the roof and take a nap. More to come later.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

U.N.M

UGLY NAKED MAN!!! He was standing in front of his window, where I could see him quite clearly. I took pictures. LOL! Should I post them? I don't think I can because it would be considered porn. Don't people know they should NOT stand in front of their windows naked?? WE CAN SEE YOU!!!

(Text Color2 posts in less than an hour. That might be a record, but this one was well worth it).

Good thing it's not today

It's a really good thing my breakfast with Charro is not today. I would have puked it up. I've almost "thrown" twice this morning because of stupid cramps. Ugh, so much for not having them. So, if I had to eat eggs, potatoes and toast this morning, oh dear, that would NOT have been good at all.

Played field hockey last night and had a blast. The weather was purrrfect. Oh, walk by Woody Allen and then he was walking behind me for a couple of blocks. He's been my biggest celeb sighting so far. Very cool.

I have the biggest knot in my forearm. I got home from fh last night and hopped on my computer and realized that my forearm and hand were a bit numb. I started rubbing it out and realized that I had/have a huge knot. I think it's a knot, must be. Must be from field hockey too. Who knows.

I'm sleepy.

Oh yeah, and yay for Kris. I liked him better than Adam but think Adam is amazingly talented as well. I just liked Kris' style of music more. Oh, and go Kara D. I love her and now I love her more for rocking it out on stage. What a voice. Geez, and she's got a great body too. If you didn't see Idol, she stripped down to a bikini. (there was a reason behind it and you know why she did it if you were watching the season).

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm sick of thinking about it...

You must be sick of hearing about it.

I can't stop thinking about Charro being gone come November. I know it's a long time away but I'm still freaking out about it. The fact that she's only coming back once a week in January isn't making me feel any better about things.

Seriously, why is this bothering me so much? People have babies all the time and it doesn't bother me. I need to just suck it up and deal. I'm not 2 years old. I didn't know any different before I started seeing her so why can't I just go back to that time in my life? Why does this have to be so difficult? It's so stupid.

On another note, usually not something I talk about, but I'd like to know when the hell I'm going to get my period. (Sorry the one male who is reading this). I usually get it a week to 10 days late, but now this is just getting annoying. I hate having to have the "surprise" element. It's definitely not a good surprise. Why do we have to deal with these things?? It's like, I think I have cramps but then I guess I don't. I would like some sort of heads up about these things.

Really weird

I clicked on my blog and it was back to the old format and it was missing my newests posts. I think it's back to normal, but that was so weird!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

And we talked

I talked to Charro about a lot of stuff tonight. First things first, she is due in November, which is what I suspected. Now I need to ask her when in November. I am guessing early Nov. but I didn't ask. Now onto the bad news, she's coming back to work in January, but just one day a week. So, I will only see her on Fridays and that really freaks me out. She said we could do a double on Fridays because, as of right now, she has 10 AM available. I don't know how I'll manage going just once a week, and we touched on that a little bit, but it's something we probably need to talk about more...much more.

I told her that I haven't really had an appetite, though it's pretty much back today. I did, however, just force myself to eat dinner because I knew I had to. We discussed my lack of appetite and my mood that has gone along with it. I told her how I was glad I didn't have to go home this week and "fake a good mood" in front of my parents. Of course we talked about that one and why I have to "fake" being in a good mood and why I can't just be myself. She came up for an alias for me for when I'm in that place.

We also discussed this pre-season camp I'll have to go to if I get this coaching job. It's not until the end of August but it's already concerning me. I'd have to sleep in a stupid cabin with people I don't know. (I don't camp). I would have no scale, which is the least of my worries. I'd need to work out, or figure out how, I guess. My biggest concern, however, is having to eat in the mess hall with all the high school kids and other coaches. There is no way in hell that I could bring my Fiber One with me in a little bag. NO WAY I could do that in front of people who don't know me, never mind in front of girls who I am supposed to be a positive role model for. Ugh, so that is already stressing me out and I don't even know if I have the job yet. Geez.

Okay, AI Finals are on right now so I better watch. I don't think I'll get to listen to my sesh with Charro tonight. Dancing is on after this.

New stuff everywhere

I like my new blog layout. :) I played with it for a while last night and it was kind of a pain, but whatever.

I'm feeling better this morning too. My appetite came back, which I have mixed feelings about. It's good, (for the healthy part of me) because it makes it easier for me to eat when I don't really want to, but it's bad because I kind of liked not being hungry at all. Blah. Maybe it's just because I might be (well, I should have 11 days ago) be getting my "friend." (Remember when people used to call it that?) Ha!

I made a list of things to talk to Charro about. I have so much stuff to talk about. SO MUCH! I should probably tell her about my lack of appetite and losing like 2 pounds, but I don't know if I'll have time for that. Maybe I'll call it a "fluctuation." ;)

I meant to thank you guys for your ongoing support too. I know I am like a broken record and now I'm freaking out about this pregnancy, which is probably completely ridiculous for me to be freaking out about. You guys offer your support and wonder what you can do for me. It's so nice. I feel like I haven't been such a great supporter lately, so I apologize for that. I think my 4 day depression has ceased.

I feel like I have so much going on in my head, I can't even begin to process it all.

Monday, May 18, 2009

She's really pregnant, and I'm really freaking

Wow, for some reason it just hit me that Charro is pregnant. I knew she was, but for some reason it really just hit me that she's going to get a big belly and be all cute and pregnant. I think people (I guess women, unless you're the "pregnant man") look so cute when they're pregnant. Hmm, so maybe I'm starting to feel a little bit better about things.

It's been hard, I am not going to lie. I haven't been doing so hot the past few days. I haven't had much of an appetite and have been eating less meals than usual. I did manage to eat some dinner tonight, though I don't really know if Charro would consider it dinner, though it was more substantial than last night's dinner. It was only about a 250 calorie dinner, but I had my protein. I had egg whites, which I didn't really want but felt like I needed. I've just had no desire to eat and have been sort of forcing myself as much as I can because I know I have to.

I'm scared as to what will happen to me while Charro is on maternity leave. I'll have no one to check in with and no one to hold me accountable for my actions. The only people scaring me from losing weight now are my parents. I am glad I didn't go home this week because I would have had to fake my happiness and they probably would have asked me (again) if I've lost weight. I lost a pound since they saw me last week, but I like to call that a "fluctuation."

God, I feel like I have SO much to talk to Charro about. She leaves for Italy in a month and she'll be gone for 3 weeks. I hate this. I will be okay with that, for the most part. Her maternity leave will kill me though.

So she didn't get my email that I sent to her (90 min. before our sesh), so she read it when I got there. She said that I should just tell her about it but I refused. She said she would read it out loud and I begged her not too. I literally sat on top of a file cabinet in a nook in her office, with my hat over my head and my head buried into the wall so she could not see me. She started reading and I was like "Please stop, I'm going to throw up." She read the first paragraph and stopped and said "Now you can talk about." I told her to just read the whole thing and we could talk about it when she was done. So she read it, to herself and then we chatted. I just wanted to hide the whole time. I need like 50 sesh's this week, I think. Ugh!! I don't know why I am so mental. It really should be affecting me this much. What is wrong with me? Maybe I'm just pmsing (still), who knows.

I think I could probably write forever but I'm going to stop. Maybe I can go to bed or something. My hair is still wet from the shower I took 4 hours ago. Blah.

Confirmation

Got the confirmation from Charro this morning. She said that she is "definitely" coming back to work. I don't think I'm feeling any better about this yet, but we will continue to discuss it, I'm sure. I'm still not comfortable with her being gone for so long. I might die!

As for our Friday breakfast, I get to have egg whites, but I have to eat the potatoes and toast. Ugh, but eggs gross me out so I can deal with this option, I guess. I guess I don't really have a choice.

For the record, I told her she is having a girl.

It's weird, right now I feel hungry a little, yet too nervous or something to eat. I can't explain it. I know the feeling well, but I can't explain it. I guess it a sort of anxious feeling, yet I'm hungry. I want to eat, but I don't want to at the same time. Ugh, I wish I could figure this out.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Anxious for tomorrow

I just finished reading the book "Purge." It was good. I read it a couple hours and I'm not a big reader. Actually, I never really read unless it's ED related.

I've been dying for Monday to come so I can go see Charro, but there is a slight part of me that doesn't want to go. It's just the initial 5 minutes that I'm not looking forward to. I feel like it will be awkward, especially if she has just read my email. I don't want to deal with any of this, but I do want to talk to her about it at the same time. My guess is that she will fess up and tell me that she is in fact pregnant tomorrow.

Every night I go through the same thing...What do I have for dinner? Sometimes it's should I even eat dinner at all? Tonight it is, what should I have? Oatmeal or egg whites?? Great choices, huh? The question usually arises around 3 PM. I start wondering what to eat for dinner at that time. Ugh, I hate this.

I feel like I just want to lose weight right now. I want to be skin and bones and it has nothing to do with me "feeling fat" right now. I just feel like I want to not eat and lose weight. If it weren't for worrying the hell out of my already worried parents, that might be an option. Maybe part of me feels like it's an option I don't have much control of and it will happen anyway. Maybe there is some part of me that is angry at Charro because I'm scared that she won't be there for me, that she won't come back to work? Or, I could be angry at her for this stupid breakfast she is going to make me eat on Friday. That's more like it. I don't feel like I am angry with her, but maybe I am. She loves when I get mad at her. I feel like I just want to waste away.

I have pineapple, kiwi and cherries to eat. Maybe I will have oatmeal for dinner and then some fruit later. I feel like I need protein but I'm not in the mood for any that I have. I could always have a shake later (not likely), if I feel like it.

I wish it was 9 AM Monday!

Must keep mind occupied

I need to keep myself occupied because any free time I have, I start freaking out about Charro being pregnant and never coming back after she has the baby, and this stupid breakfast I have to eat with her on Friday. I don't even like eggs. They gross me out and she knows this. I eat egg whites from a carton, just to get protein, but real eggs GROSS me out. I see that white gooey thing and want to throw up. Then, if I see a spot of blood in there I almost throw up. I take out that "egg baby" out when I bake because it grosses me out so much. She knows about all of this, yet she still is going to make me eat them! I'm going to work on changing that tomorrow and Tuesday. Seriously, I don't even like real egg whites because they gross me out. Ugh!!

First and foremost, we need to discuss this baby thing. I don't have plans for today, other than to teach aerobics and read "Purge." Hopefully that will be enough to keep my mind occupied. Somehow I think it won't. I read 120 pages in the book yesterday and have about 160 more to read. I guess that might happen today. Ugh.

In other news, I've been happy with my weight the past two days because it went down.

Ugh, if Charro doesn't come back to work, I'm quitting therapy and just going to starve myself. I don't want to do it with someone else.

Friday, May 15, 2009

A letter to Charro

I just wrote up this long-ass letter to Charro because I know I need to talk to her about all of this stuff and I know I won't remember it all on Monday and won't say everything I want to say. I will probably send it right before I leave for my appointment with her. That should give her time to read it. She would rather have me bring it in and read it myself, but I'm not there yet. So, here's my letter...and third freaking post of the day.

Here goes my attempt at a letter to you. I'm still not sure if I'll bring it in on Monday, send it to you before I come in, or just put it on the back burner and not mention it at all. As of right now, I am planning on sending this right before I leave here on Monday morning. I have no idea what's going to come out of my fingers here, and I have 3 days to edit it or change my mind completely, so come Monday none of this might be here, but this is how I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking now.

I'm totally freaking out about you being pregnant. Granted, you did not confirm (nor deny) your pregnancy, but you pretty much confirmed it without flat out saying it, so for the sake of this letter, I'm just going to assume that you are. So before I go off on my rant, I will say that I am very excited for you and your husband and I think it will be really exciting to watch you grow and be a cute pregnant person. I am upset that you might not fit into "the outfit" so you better wear it soon. Honestly, I wish I could baby-sit for you too. I think that would be cool, too bad there's too much ethical crap involved with that. Lord knows my schedule is pretty flexible.

Okay, back to my freaking out. (Part of me is writing this all out so I don't forget it by Monday). I started making dinner and I think it was after I made dinner that I decided I was freaking out and wasn't hungry and didn't want to eat it. I cooked up some eggplant, red pepper and zucchini and then I didn't want it. I wasn't hungry at all and I didn't want to eat. I think I was too busy freaking out. I think at the time I thought I was freaking out about not wanting to eat but thinking that I probably should. I also thought I was freaking out about our upcoming breakfast (which I am). It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized that I really was all worked up about you having to take time off and not being around. I feel like I am being so incredibly selfish for not wanting you to be gone. Let's call a spade a spade, I am. That's where I am torn because I am so excited for you, yet, well, I don't really know what the "yet" is. I don't want to be one of those people who feels like they "need" someone and I'm trying to avoid that at all costs because I don't want to "need" anyone or anything, and that's the road I feel like I'm going down. In reality, I know I'll be fine, just like I always am when you are not around, but maybe I guess I'm afraid that I will "need" you and I don't want that or like that feeling. I hate relying on anyone and I hate that I feel like I'm relying on you when I should be able to rely on myself. I shouldn't need anyone else. The worst part is that I feel so selfish for feeling this way. The only way I should feel is happy and excited for you and I hate that it is overpowered by, and overshadowed by my selfish "freaking out" feelings.

I also feel a bit badly for putting you in what was probably an uncomfortably situation this (Friday) morning. I had to get that off my chest and put it out there because it's been on my mind for so long.

At one point this evening I wanted to weigh myself because I figured that would give me something else to think about. I could be pissed at the number and focus on that rather than all the other thoughts/feelings running around in my head. So I guess I learned something about myself, or as "you people" like to call it, I had a bit of a "break through." Woo hoo. (That was such an unenthusiastic, sarcastic "woo hoo.")

I think I've said everything I need to say for now. I guess we should all be lucky that I got a phone call and chatted on the phone with a friend for a while, while I was writing this, which interrupted my train of thought.

So that's it. I'll probably see you in a few minutes.

What's the freak out about?

I think I'm having a freak out for some reason. I'm not really sure what it's about or why all of a sudden I'm all worked up. I made dinner with the intention of eating it, but now I don't want it. I'll probably end up eating something at some point, but right now I don't want any food. I think I'm freaked out, and I'm not sure if I'm freaking out about my breakfast with Charro next Friday or her pregnancy (see post below on that. 99.9% sure she's preggers), or what. I don't know what it's about. I made eggplant, zucchini and peppers and I don't even want it. The thought of eating just is not pleasant right now. I don't think I could even do a protein shake.

This breakfast thing totally has me freaked, I do know that, but I'm not sure if that's what this is. I think I'm pmsing too, which could also be why I'm freaking out a bit. All I know is that I would like to not have an eating disorder. I would like for this not to be so complicated. Why does it have to be so complicated?? What the hell is it all about anyway?

I have nothing else to say right now, though my brain is churning so I might be back to add onto this. For now the question is "To eat or not to eat? That is the question."

I think I've figured out why I'm freaking out, it's totally the pregnancy thing. Ugh. What the fuck am I gonna do? I'm freaking!

Totally pregnant

So I went with, "Something's been on my mind for the past month or so. One of us in this room is a little bit eating disordered, while the other one is a little bit pregnant." Charro said, "Are you pregnant?" I said, "No, not me!" (Meantime she was wearing a maternity type shirt). She goes "So me? I'm glad that you said that one of you is a little bit eating disordered." She totally didn't deny it and then we continued chatting and she goes "I'm hot." I go "I got you all nervous. You haven't denied anything." Then she asked why I think that and I mentioned the caffeine thing and the "constant pregnancy talk." She yells, "CONSTANT?! What?!" (more discussion, she laughs a little) I said we could discuss it in a month when you tell me that you are pregnant. She said we can discuss it now or also in a month. (more non denying it). Then she asked if I was conscious of her body changing (admitting to body change).

This is good...She goes on to say "one of the good things about coming three times a week and the frequency of therapy, allows us to communicate in a non-verbal way." Ah ha!!! So, I'm right!! I love this. I feel bad for probably freaking her out a bit, but I so needed to get that off of my chest.

She kept trying to divert everything back to me. Nice try, Charro...I'm the queen of diversion!! I do that all the time to her.

Ugh, in other news, we have to have another breakfast on Friday. This is going to be the worst. She is ordering an egg omelette with spinach, tomato, and cheese. Then we have to have either potatoes or toast with butter. UGH!!! WTF. Three things I'm NOT comfortable with, eggs (which gross me out), cheese, and butter. Ugh!!! HELP!! I am going to completely freak out.

Okay, I need to digest some of this for a while. I'm sure I'll be back. There's a lot here to digest.


(Let me just say, that she did not confirm, nor deny her pregnancy, but I am 99.9% sure she is preggers. She totally led me to believe that I was correct, without telling me)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What should I go with?

What line should I use on Charro tomorrow? Tell me your favorite:

  1. You're pregnant, aren't you?
  2. So, how far along are you?
  3. You must be pretty excited! (Charro: "Why?") Because you're having a baby!
  4. Do you think your dog will get along with the baby?
  5. When are you due?

I'm liking one of the first three. What will probably come out of my mouth is, "you're pregnant, aren't you?" But maybe # 3 is good. Any other suggestions???

I can NOT wait to see her reaction when I call her out on this. I wonder if she'll come clean.

OH WAIT...She always used to say, "You can't be a little bit pregnant or a little bit eating disordered." I should work that in there somehow!! HA!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Totally going there!

I'm totally going to ask Charro if she is pregnant when I see her on Friday. Of course she will deny it, but I have such good evidence: the cutting out caffeine totally, all the pregnancy talk, wanting to be healthier." I can get away with asking her without mentioning anything about her belly, because that's a place you don't ever want to go unless you KNOW someone is pregnant. I'm 99.9% sure she is, and I will watch for her reaction when I ask her the question on Friday. 9 AM Friday morning can not come fast enough!! I can't wait for her to deny it and then 2 months down the road, when she comes out with the news, I can be like "I told you so. I KNEW IT!!"

I have to figure out what to wear for my interview tomorrow morning. I was going to wear a dress but I think it's going to be too cold. I am still trying to thaw out from field hockey tonight.
I am cold and can't type.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

So preggers!

Okay, Charro is totally preggers!! I know it!! I had my suspicions when she said she completely cut out all caffeine from her diet and that she was "trying to be healthier." She's also been talking about pregnancy a lot. Well, today she had on this sweater that was kind of large and there was definitely belly going on. It wasn't the I have a roll on my stomach belly, it was pregnancy belly...at least I'm pretty sure it was. Hmmm, I've never noticed a belly on her before and it doesn't go with the rest of her body. I think maybe her face looks a little fuller too. She's so pregnant. I'm happy for her, but sad for me. What am I going to do?? She can't be out for 3 months. I'll die! Ugh.

In other news, I wore "THE OUTFIT" tonight. Charro's infamous purple shirt, red pants and gold shoes outfit. She totally knew when I took off my jacket. She got so excited and screamed "NICE, you're going to be me. I like it! Your Halloween costume. Yay, I got it!!" She has not convinced me that purple and red are good together though." It was funny.

Why is she preggers? :( I shouldn't be so selfish. She will look cute pregnant though.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Charro, ticks, jobs, and strawberry shortcake

My sesh with Charro was good this morning. I needed it. Wow, that hasn't been said in a while. We talked about my day yesterday and how it was so annoying that everyone had to talk about my body and food, etc. I need to listen to the sesh again so we can pick up where we left off tomorrow.

I just had a tick crawling on me. Ew! Guess that's what happens when you come back to the country. I was laying on my deck. It was so nice too.

Oh, I have a job interview for a field hockey coaching job on Thursday. It's at some posh private school in NYC. That would be so sweet to get. The athletic director sounds pretty interested. I hope I can understand her because she has a thick accent of some sort. Hopefully she will like me. I definitely have the experience, both coaching and playing. Woo hoo. That would be a sweet 2 month job.

So, that's that. I'm making strawberry shortcake for my friend's b-day. I'm going to drop it off at her house later.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Ugh..What a day

My parents came to town for mom's day. We tried to hand up some shades but that was unsuccessful. My mom decided she wanted to move around my furniture while my dad and I were working on the blinds. I was like "I don't like that there and I don't want to move things." Whatever, she moved things and I was like "Whatever, just do what you want to. I don't care!" I was like, "It's my place. I'm the one who lives here!" Grr.

We walked to the park, slower than a snail and that drove me insane. Came back and worked on the blinds and shades again. Unsuccessful again. Went to dinner and came back. I don't know why but they were driving me insane today. Maybe I'm pmsing or something.

So, one of the first thing my dad says when he gets here was "Did you see the bikini picture of Kelly Ripa?" "Yes." "Talk about skin and bones." Geez in a freaking huge ass box. WTF. Do we always have to mention people's bodies and what they look like?? Seriously!


After the walk in the park I changed my clothes. I put on khaki pants and my mom said, "Could you be any tinier? Have you lost weight?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! No, I haven't lost any fucking weight people! Leave me the hell alone. I was worried the whole time that we were walking, that they would see that my shorts were falling off, but I honestly have not lost any weight!

Then, at dinner, 44 (the old guy) came. They all felt the need to discuss the amount of food I eat. I wanted to just up and leave. Seriously, I can't wait to go home tomorrow and be with my rents again. I love them dearly, but please, make them stop talking about crap.

Oh, and to top it off, I have the biggest knot in my ass and it hurts like a mother. It kept me up last night. I've tried massaging it out. My whole leg felt "dead" because of this knot. I feel like I have a softball inside my right ass cheek. I've never had a knot in my ass before. It hurts like hell, let me tell ya that!!

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Random thoughts by tiki lights

I am sitting on my balcony with my tiki lights, which are finally working. It's so nice out, but the wind is picking up. I can smell steak and it smells so good, even though steak grosses me out totally and has for like 20 years. My cats keep wondering out here to be with me and the fresh air.

I'm trying to think of some good stuff to talk to Charro about on Monday morning. I'm trying to come up with some lists but nothing is really going on in my head. Let's think of some stuff:

  • Sometimes I am compulsive about my exercise.
  • I am obsessed with how much I weigh and would like to stay under 100.
  • Food scares the hell out of me, most of the time
  • I really like the boney look
  • I'm not really underweight. 5 lbs underweight isn't really underweight. Oh wait, I'm like 6 or 7 I guess, but still, that's not really that bad.
  • My tiki lights rock (okay, that has nothing to do with anything).
  • I'm definitely driven by burning calories when I work out.
  • I wish NYC wasn't so noisy (another random one).
  • I like big butts and I cannot lie. (Oh wait, that's a song).
  • I want my stomach to be concave.
  • I want to be able to go out and not stress over a meal.
  • I want a yummy yeast roll from Logan's in Nashville. Actually, I want several of them and I don't think I will get them this year. They really need to put that restaurant up here.

I think that's about it. I wish I had something profound to say. I wish I knew why I feel the need to "starve" myself. I hope my parents don't bring up my eating issues in the next three days. I wish I didn't have eating issues that they felt they need to bring up.

So not exciting

I am bored and I have nothing to blog about so why am I even writing? I'm not sure. Maybe I will listen to my sesh with Charro later tonight, though that won't even spark anything.

So far today I have run in the park. I did about 7 or 8 miles I think. Cleaned my coat and bathroom rugs, fixed my tiki lights on my balcony, cleaned my balcony, cleaned the litter box, did laundry and ran the dishwasher, put the dishes and laundry away, made brownies (in the over now) and that's about it. I still need to clean my apartment. My parents are coming tomorrow, hence the brownies. I could go out and get some ice cream and make one big brownie sundae and eat all of them and then puke it up, but that's not really an option. Sometimes I wish I could do that so I could enjoy some of the finer things in life. I did eat some raw brownie mix though, before I added the eggs and oil. Just add water and eat some...Yeah! It's not fattening that way and just a couple bites does the trick.

Now I'm tired. I should take a nap. I wish the sun was out so I could have laid out today. Bummer. I have completely lost my tan. The only corner I've turned is backwards. :)

Lame ass post.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Your thought results, sort of

I don't really have anything to write. Charro and I talked about what you guys all think. I don't really know what she said, I'll have to go back and listen to it. I know there was some talk of how you all think I'm in denial and she said that she thinks deep down inside I really do know what's going on but deny it from the surface. I'm going from memory there so I could be totally wrong. I want to talk to her more about it all because I still don't think I'm as bad as you all think I am. I told her that and I told her that if any of you spent a week with me you would see that I'm not that bad. I don't think she necessarily agreed with that. I'll have to roll the tape later.

Right now, I'm outta here. Off to do some errands with the old guy and dinner. I just want to take a nap. I went rollerblading in the park. It was nice.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Your thoughts

So if I get the guts, maybe I'll talk to Charro about how you guys all think that my ED is "SO BAD." I don't think it is at all. It floors me when I see that you guys think that. I feel like you should spend a week with me and then you'd know that it's not that bad. I think I just tend to write when my mind is in a tizzy and that's what you guys base my health on. I don't know. Just my thoughts.

I really hope it stops raining before I have to leave for the gym.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Baby talk and leg bumps

I am watching Idol and Paula's performance was so awful.

My sesh with Charro was good last night. I am so pissed because my recorder decided to have a problem and so I hear about how I want to go to Italy about a million times because it's skipping and keeps repeating that sentence. So, I have 10 minutes of my sesh that I can actually listen to before I start hearing the same 4 sentences over and over and over again. I am so annoyed because it was a good sesh and there were a lot of things in there that I wanted to listen to again. So, that totally blows. I hate technical problems. Sucks my butt!!

I brought in some baby pics to show Charro, per her request. She kept saying how cute I was. She said, "You're supercute." It was funny to see that side of her. I was surprised by her reaction. Hmm, maybe she will have kids. I'm sort of wondering if she's working on that right now, or is pregnant already. She has completely cut out caffeine, so that raised up my alertness to a baby bump check. The very selfish part of me doesn't want her to have kids because I don't want her to be away on maternity leave. That would suck. That's my only issue with her having them.

In other news, I have this weird bump thing sticking out of my leg, near my shin. I noticed it a few weeks ago when I was leaving the gym, then I saw it again last night while I was hopping up and down on the step. I can only see it when I'm on a step or on my toes. I will have my mom look at it and see what she says. I guess I'm going to have to get it checked out, which will be funny because I'm going to hop up and down in the doctor's office for her to be able to see it. Even at that point, she won't know what it is. It doesn't hurt and I don't think I can feel it. Maybe it's a fatty deposit or something. Who knows.

So, that's about it. I really wish I could listen to my stupid sesh. I keep trying it, thinking that it will work, but it doesn't. Grr.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Is this considered "walking too much?"

I worked out this morning. I'm fat. I have Charro soon. I'm fat but I won't tell her that because she doesn't want to hear it. I am teaching aerobics after Charro. Good thing because I'm fat. Blah...fatness.

Tomorrow I will work out in the morning. I will play field hockey in the evening. Two days in a row of double duty. Yay!

My legs have been quite tired as of late. I have been doing a lot of walking. Last week I walked between 25-30 miles, on top of my workouts. It was great!! I need to do that more often. How come I don't lose weight if I'm walking that much and working out? WTF. Oh well, it's not like I'm trying to lose weight but I wouldn't be disappointed if I did.

Last night both my mom and dad asked me if my scale works. I said that I didn't know and my dad told me to test it out. Little did he know that I already had. Then my mom asked about it when she was going to bed. While we were watching Dancing with the Stars my mom said, "Samantha Harris is definitely anorecTIC." I HATE that word. "Anorexic" sounds so much better.

Shiites, I've gotta get ready to go I think.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Running around

I've had a busy day today, but I like it that way. I woke up and walked to Charro's in the rain. It wasn't bad out. I was almost late so I hustled big time...and trying to do that with an umbrella and a backpack is not easy. I got there and didn't think I had time to go to the bathroom so I just waited until the end. It really drives me insane that she comes out to get me late. I don't know why, but I am such a prompt person so that's probably why. I also feel like I'm going to get gypped out of time. I haven't listened to my sesh yet because I went straight to the train station and now I am with my parents. Maybe I'll listen to it with my headphones on while I'm going to bed.

My parents picked me up from the train station and we went out for lunch. I came out and went to the office and then did some errands. I got home and my mom and I made dinner and now I am doing laundry, paying bills and writing this.

My dad asked me if my scale was working. He said, "Go see if it's working because we tried it and nothing happened." Oh, it's working. I tried it and I like it. :)

That's about it. Maybe I'll play some Wii before "Dancing" comes on.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Hot chocolate, I think

I'm sitting here trying to decide if I should eat dinner or not. I'm leaning towards not eating because I'm not really hungry. I had a big lunch and I don't really want dinner. Maybe something small like hot chocolate or cereal or a yogurt. Maybe some hot chocolate and strawberries. That way I can get my fruit and some protein. That's sounding like a good idea. Should I eat a "normal" dinner? Probably, but I don't think I need it. If I weigh myself it will probably tell me that I definitely don't need it.

I guess I'll go make my hot chocolate.

New favorite song

I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you
This world keeps spinning
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you’re the only one I run to
I run to you

F.S.

I'm a fat sack (FS) right now. I just got home. I feel absolutely huge and disgusting. I thought I'd weigh myself to confirm my hugeness, and I did just that. I must work out hard before I teach class tomorrow. I need to burn off 8 million calories. Is it possible that those pills are making me gain weight?

Saturday, May 02, 2009

This is so wrong

I stumbled up this article. I thought it was a joke when I was reading it. My favorite part is when she says she works out for 3 hours. The whole thing is just messed up.

Eh, I knew it

I knew it wouldn't last. Let's just put it this way, if I were seeing Charro this morning and she asked me what I weigh, I wouldn't have to lie to her because I am at our "agreed" upon weight. That sucks a big butt. Eh, it will go down. I didn't eat anything crazy yesterday so I know it will go down. Plus, Bertha (my scale at home) always tells it like it is and is the more accurate scale (I think) and that's always lower than this one. So, we'll see what I weigh on Monday when I go home. I hate weight!

I don't even want to eat breakfast now. I will, but I don't want to. I have to go out for a "nice dinner" tonight with the old guy. He moved into a new place so I told him I'd help him organize and stuff. We're going to go to Ikea and get him a few things and then work on his apartment, then work out. He has a gym in his place. Oh, I'm taking my laundry there too, which will be so nice. That saves me from taking it home on the train on Monday and carrying it to Charro's and stuff. I have laundry literally right outside my door. I mean, the machines are closer here than they would be if I were to do it at home, but it costs me 5 bucks. Blah. Stupid.

So, that's it. Fun and exciting. I am SO SICK of hearing about this dumb Swine Flu. Stop freaking out people!!

Friday, May 01, 2009

This is shocking, and probably won't last

This is my second post for the day and it's only 10:39 AM. This is a good post though. :)

I'm sure this feeling will end at some point today, but I actually like my body today. WHAT??!!!! I know, it's shocking. I was doing pull-ups at the gym and I could see my back and I liked the way it looked. Then I decided, without looking too much at myself because that would have changed things, that I have a nice, fit body. I'm sure if I looked at my arms I would have said "ew, they are so fat." Or if I saw my quads, which were hidden by my big shorts, I would have thought "Ew, they are huge!" I didn't examine, I just liked my back and my stomach. I'll take what I can get, I guess.

I think I want to rearrange my apartment, but I don't know how. I am going to make some stuffed peppers with quinioa (however you spell it) and lentils. I am going to vacuum too. I guess I should call some of my clients as well. That would be a good thing. :)

Hmm, maybe I don't need to go to Charro anymore. I didn't go today and I feel great.

No Charro this morning

It's a dreary day here today. Ugh, I just realized that I have to go to the gym. I guess I didn't "just realized" but I was sitting here and then I was like "ugh, I have to go to the gym." I don't really think my body feels like working out so it will probably be a short, half-assed workout. I guess that's better than nothing.

I would typically be at Charro this morning, but she taken the day off. How dare she?! Just kidding. She was supposed to be in Cancun.

Oh, so I saw Julianne Hough yesterday and she remembered me. We met last year. We were on the same airplane, though she was in first class. We chatted at baggage claim for about 10 minutes and then I saw here at the awards show I was working. She came over and gave me a big hug and said "It's my airport friend" and introduced me to her sister. We chatted a few times that night. I saw that she was on Regis and Kelly yesterday so I ran over there and saw her come out. She was in the car but had the window rolled down so I said "Hey Julianne, I met... (as I was saying that I had met her last year she was like "Oh Hi. How are you?" and stuck out her hand.) I wish there was time to chat but I think she was off to the airport. I thought it was cool that she remembered me. The girl standing behind me was like "You could see that she recognized you."

So, that was that. I guess I should get ready to go to the gym. I can't wait. Kidding.