Thursday, April 30, 2009

No decisions yet

So I took one of those pills this morning. I think it just made me hungry all day. I thought about not taking them anymore because I felt like there was caffeine in them, but I emailed the lady and asked her and she says there isn't. She said I felt "weird" from all the B vitamins and that I am probably deficient in them. I'm still not convinced that there isn't any caffeine in them. I did check some of the ingredients online to see what they are, and so far everything has been natural and good for the body.

I need to go workout now and teach aerobics. Oh, I saw Julianne Hough today and she remembered me. :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm being tested

I ordered my protein shake the other day. The woman I get it from I know, blah blah, it doesn't really matter about the background info. Though, she is a personal trainer and developed the powder. So I told her that I sent a few people her way to order some mix and she said that she'd throw in a special treat with my next order. Well my order arrived today with a bottle of cutting edge fat burners. Yep, that's right. Now I know her products don't have any crap in them that could be harmful to me, so that makes me feel good. However, I know that I probably shouldn't take them. This is where I am torn. She sent them to me so I should really take them. Plus, I wonder if they work. On the other hand, Charro would freaking kill me if I took them. Well, but there kind of all natural so there's nothing in there that I couldn't just get from other things, so I guess it's okay to take them. Hmmm...

Okay, "let's call a spade a spade," as Charro would say...I should not take these pills...the thing is, I will. It's just 60 days and we will see what happens. I really don't think they will make a difference with anything, but I'm going to do something I know I shouldn't do and take them. Yes, I will feel guilty for doing so, probably. Oh, and they're NOT diet pills so don't worry about that.

Geez, I know I'm gonna get in trouble for this one...

Waiting

I've got cable and phone people coming to set up a new system this morning. They said they'd be here between 8-12. One of the people just called and said that they'd be here between 10 and 11. My immediate thought was I could have gone to the gym. Then I realized that I still had someone else coming who might show up at any time. I am going for a 5 mile walk later, so I guess that counts for something. I'm not at the calorie burn number that I'd like to be at for the week yet, well for my first two days.

I feel kind of skinny this morning. I think it's because I am wearing big shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt that makes me look skinny. I guess I like hiding in bigger clothes. I feel more comfortable in them because people can't see my body and don't know my size. I want people to be able to feel my ribs in my back when they hug me. That may sound sick, but it's true. I want people to be able to feel my bones. I like being able to feel them. I just wish some of them were more visible. I know my "wing bones" in my back would stick out more if I didn't have so much muscle. Damn muscle. I guess I kind of like how my back looks, but I'd rather see bones. Though I do like when I can see the muscles working in my back while I'm working out. I also like being able to see my ribs when I'm working out too. (I am wearing a shirt, but I can see my upper back in my tank tops.) I would never work out without a shirt on. That would be scary. I only do that when I'm on the beach in Florida and everyone is old and I don't know anyone and I don't care what people think of me. Okay, I do care what people think I look like, scratch that.

I could NEVER run through Central Park in just a sports bra. NO WAY! There are way too many people there, and fit ones at that. I know I'm fit, but I don't look like those people. I could never do it. People always tell me that I have a great body and a "great" stomach, so why don't I believe them?? I get "you're all muscle." I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it's good. I need to start telling myself that it is a good thing. I need to change my outlook on that. I don't know. I still hate my huge, muscular quads and my fat arms. Charro will never understand that. I told her that I don't think she gets it and kind of brushes off how I feel about myself. Oh well.

I'm sleepy. My friend and I are going to walk downtown later and then get foot massages. They are SO cheap and I feel like by walking there, we will earn them. I will probably pass out and start drooling during the process. :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

No Cancun for Charro

It was another beautiful day today. Charro told me that I "turned a corner" again. :) I love. I am not seeing her on Friday because she was supposed to be away. Well, she was going to an eating disorders conference in Cancun and it got cancelled because of the whole swine flu. She's still not coming into work on Friday though. Oh well. I'm sure a day off will do me good.

She likes when I come in with a list of things to talk about. I do that occasionally. I did that tonight but my list was little and sort of had nothing substantial on it. Maybe that will be my goal for Monday, come up with a list of good things to talk about and talk. Charro says that people don't restrict, work out when they don't want to work out and (there was something else in there too) when there isn't something bothering them, therefore there must be something bothering me. I don't know what it is. What brought me here 17 years ago. I wish I did. Apparently I need to start opening up more and "taking chances" in there so we can explore what it is.

On a good note, I put on this shirt that I bought a year ago and never wore because when I tried it on last summer it felt way too tight. Today it was loose. :) I haven't lost weight so I don't know why it's loose. Maybe my body just changed a bit.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Afternoon in the park, part 2

I took a walk to the park this afternoon. I kind of like being alone with my thoughts, or clearing my head I guess. It was so beautiful out. I walked around. Then I went and watched the seals swimming and floating around at the zoo. Then I took pictures, as you can see below. Then I sat on a bench and did a sudoku puzzle. I just love walking around and sitting in the park or by the ocean. It allows me to clear my head.

I had two celebrity sightings. My first, ironically enough, was nutritionist, (does a lot of ED work too) Joy Bauer. She was walking with her kids. Then, when I left the park, I was going to walk by Madonna's mansion again, but they were filming a movie on the street parallel so I walked down that, through the shoot instead. When I was two blocks from my apartment I saw Deborah Roberts, ABC news corespondent and Al Roker's wife. The most random thing is that my mom and I were just talking about her yesterday. I had no idea she was Al's wife.

So, that was my day. I should have talked to Joy, but I wouldn't do that. What would I say, "Hi, do you have any business cards? I have an eating disorder." I definitely wouldn't do that in front of her kids.


So, I had a nice day in NYC.

Afternoon in the park Part 1






Uneventful thus far

Saw Charro this morning. Nothing really to report on that unless I hear something that sparks some sort of thought when I listen to the tape later one.

I ran there, it wasn't far, 1.33 miles. I've got to say, running with a bag sucks, so I don't think I'll be running to her real office (4 miles) with a bag. So annoying. I went to the gym after, just because I "had to." We talked about that for a second.

Now I'm heading up to the roof for a little sun. Then I will come in and do some work, shower and head to the park to take some pictures. My night will end with a little Dancing With The Stars.

I have to start telling myself that I have an eating disorder, maybe I'll start to believe it.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Twas a nice day

I had a nice day with my mom and my aunt. I cleaned, taught aerobics, ran back to my place (a mile from the gym) and my mom and aunt were waiting for me. I showered and we went down town. We walked down Charro's street and I said, "This is the street Charro's office is on." I said it while my aunt was checking her phone so she wouldn't hear me. Then I proceeded to get us lost and we wondered around aimlessly until I got us to little Italy. Let's just say a 40 min walk took us 75 minutes. Whoops. They walk really slow, by the way.

We had a nice lunch and then came back to my place. Everyone's feet and legs were tired. Mine were tired from my 90 minute run yesterday and then 2 and a half mile walk to the old guys place. I got about 10 blocks from his apartment when I realized that my legs were exhausted.


Anyway, we hung out here for a while and then went to get ice cream and then I took them to the subway. They are on the train heading home now. I was so excited for them to come. I fell bad that I took them all over SOHO by accident.

Oh, so we got on the topic of boobs for some reason. Oh, I know, my mom said "Everyone in NY is top heavy." I said, "Not me." She said, "You would be if you didn't workout so much." Okay, If I ate 40,000 calories a day I wouldn't be "top heavy." My aunt and I both disagreed with my mom and I said "Look at our family, no one is top heavy." My mom said "I used to look like you and then I got bigger. Well, you had three kids and you're now 65 years old, what do you expect?! So, that was an interesting conversation. She made another comment about my working out and I was like "I don't work out too much." Compared to how much I used to work out, I barely work out now. Sometimes "work out" is one word and sometimes it's two when I type it.

Man, I am so going to bed early. I am wiped. I am getting up and running to Charro's in the morning. I'm going to the office that's close by so it's only about a mile away. It will take two minutes to get there.


I am sitting on my balcony right now. It is SOOO NICE out!

I'm going to weigh myself and I'm not going to like it. My stomach is fat.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

A Coke and making fun

Charro looked a bit tired yesterday morning when I got there. I sat down and asked her if she was sleepy. She said no. I seem to be saying whatever I feel like, when it doesn't involve myself, with her these days. I guess that's a good thing. I don't know. ;) So then we started chatting and she seemed so subdued. I said, "You need a Coke." (One time she was all hyper and feisty and she said that she had had a Coke. I told her I liked it and we joked about it a few times since). She asked why and I told her that she was too subdued and just sitting there and that I didn't like it. "I don't feel tired." I was like, "Well you're too calm over there and I don't like it." Then she tried to seem more perky and I said, "Now you're trying to be perky." It was kind of funny.

Later on I made fun of her. One time she made fun on my socks completely clashing with my shirt. (They did, but I forgot that she was going to see my feet b/c I take my shoes off). So, ever since then I've occasionally clashed things on purpose, like my hat and mittens and always my socks. So, she comments on it all the time. Yesterday she was wearing navy blue pants, black shoes and a black shirt. I go, "Are you wearing black shoes?" She said "yes." I said, "With blue pants??" She said, "I have a black shirt on. I like black and blue together." Then I said something about her making fun of me and she commented on how I wore my socks that time wtih that shirt and I said, "I know, and the last time I wore those socks I had an aqua hat and you said, 'Those again? And with your hat, that's tragic!'" It was so funny. She laughed and said "That does sound like me." Yes, yes it does. We cracked up about it. I like that I can make fun of her because she totally makes fun of me. I think it's funny.


In other news. I had a nice run this morning. It's beautiful out. I laid out and just finished cleaning my apartment. Well, I have to clean the bathroom sink but I will do that tomorrow. I also feel fat and my stomach is fat.

My mom and aunt are coming to visit tomorrow. I really need to shower!! I'm going out with the old guy tonight. That's about it.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Thoughts on stuff; and Charro

I feel like I don't have much to say as of late. Nothing is really going on I guess. I saw Charro this morning. It was fine. I really need to talk more. I know I always say that. I talked a lot on Tuesday and thought it was a good sesh. I felt like I asked a lot of questions that were on my mind and talked about a lot of thoughts going on in my head. I just have SO many thoughts that I can't even begin to know what they are. I've said this before, but I wish I had some kind of recording device that would record and transcribe all of the thoughts in my head, that way I can talk to Charro about them.

I feel like I just can't convey to her how I really feel about my body. I feel like she kind of brushes it off and is like "You can choose to see yourself differently." Hmm, this is probably something I should discuss with her. I want to be like, "No, you don't understand. I HATE my legs! My arms are fat and I just want to be skinny." I feel like I can't convey to her how I really feel. I know she'll say that there's something "more" to it, but I don't know about that.

I know that I am controlled by numbers. The scale, the temperature, the time. I want to know what the numbers are and I want them to be exact and accurate and it drives me insane when I don't know what scale is right or that my thermometer is a few degrees off. I want accuracy and I'm getting so many different readings with my scales.


I've been weighing myself more this week too. I know that I need to tone that down again, but it's not really hurting me. I just did it at home because my scale was giving me so many different readings and I wanted to get the right one.

I'm tired. I was outside all day so that's probably why. Now I'm having a hot flash. I need to open a window.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wiiiiii :)

I came home (like home, home) and weighed myself. This scale, Bertha, is usually more accurate than stupid B-2, which I have in NYC. So I weighed myself and was getting all sorts of crazy numbers, so I decided to come weigh myself on the Wii Fit. I figured the coast was clear to do so, since my parents weren't home. So, I hopped on and weighed myself. Much to my surprise, though it was accurate with my scale upstairs, I weighed less than I thought. It actually told me that I was "underweight" and that I needed to work on getting my BMI up. Now, those who know me know that I think BMI is a bunch of crap and don't go by it anyway. It's not an accurate measurement of one's body composition, especially if the person is extremely muscular. It will say that the person is overweight. So, I guess it's more accurate with "underweight" readings than the latter. (Whoops, just spilled my tea all over the place). Anyway, I was quite happy with the results. According to that and some of the readings I got from Bertha, I'm 3 pounds less than what I'm allowed to be according to Charro. Hmm, I can't tell the difference so I'm sure she can't tell the difference. Let's just hope my dad can't tell the difference because he would then want me to gain 6 pounds.

Speaking of my dad, I am sure my parents will bring up my eating or something at dinner tonight. We're long overdue for that topic of discussion. I HATE IT. I hate the anxiety that comes along with anticipating when they are going to bring it up. They haven't said anything to me about anything since I was in Florida in January, that's a long time. I hope nothing comes up tonight though, that would make me happy. Why do they always have to bring it up at dinner too? Kind of odd, right? I think my dad knows better than to bring it up in front of my mom though. Let's hope!! Keep your fingers crossed that there are no eating disorder discussions.

I'm off to get my hair cut and colored. Woo hooo. I think I'm gonna chop it. I'm long overdue for that too.

A brief post sesh post

After listening to my sesh with Charro last night, I realized that it was pretty intense. Well, intense for me. It wasn't like get all emotional and cry intense, we just talked about a lot of things, I guess. How I feel about a lot of things related to weight. I'll have to listen to it again tomorrow night so I can think about it and maybe talk about some of the stuff on Friday morning.

My alarm just went off. I don't know why I set it so late, I would never have made it to the train on time if I woke up at this time. I guess I knew I'd wake up long before it went off anyway.

My shoulder is hurting again. It's the same injury that I had 3 years ago, which sent me to PT and that's how I met my ex, J. He's getting married in June, by the way. I guess I need to start doing my PT exercises again. Blah.

I guess I should get ready so I can head to the train. Maybe I'll walk there.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Holy cuteness

You must check out this video. It is the cutest thing in the world.

So far it looks like I can walk to Charro because it's not raining...right now. Yay!

So, I got a new vacuum the other night. I got it out of the garbage. :) Well, it wasn't IN the garbage, just in our little garbage closet in our hall. It clearly wouldn't fit down the garbage chute. So, this is a good thing because my vacuum, which my parents gave me last year, doesn't suck. That essentially means that it sucks! So now I have a new one.

I'm tired and fat and going to Charro in 3 and a half hours. I'll leave here in 2 though.

Monday, April 20, 2009

This is how I feel

I just got home from Charro. I'm sure the nasty, rainy weather didn't help my mood much. I feel sad that this is my life. That I put forth so much energy and effort to be skinny. Why? I don't know. I don't know why it's so important to me. Yes, I want to be skinny. I like the way bones look and I want that look. I want to like like Ellen Page in Juno...she's so tiny. She has tiny little legs. I want clothes to hang off of me, yet I'd like to look "hot" (that sounds funny) in clothes. I'm just sad that this is my life. With that said, I realize that I can change that, but it scares me to death. Complete fear, I admit it...and the thought of gaining even a pound freaks me out.

My rain boots give me blisters. I'm still hungry and I just ate dinner. What the hell else can I eat? Veggies? Maybe I should just go on a complete binge and see what that's like. I've never let loose like that before. I've never just gone hog wild. What would it feel like to just lose complete control like that?? Good or bad?

I bought strawberries, maybe I'll eat those. My pants are wet from the rain, perhaps I should change them.

I'm not quite ready to listen to my sesh with Charro. Most of the time I listen when I get home, but I'm not ready yet, I think my brain is too full right now.

Oh, I just stopped at the grocery store to get Golden Grahams, because Charro thought it would be "really good" for me to buy them here as opposed to at home. She thinks it's less disordered. However, I was NOT going to spend $6.49 on a box of freaking cereal...unless there really is gold in those GOLDen Grahams. I'll get them at home and save a few bucks.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Lots of thoughts written out randomly

Central Park
Park Avenue
I have to head home tomorrow and then I will come back here Monday and then have to head home again Wednesday for a much needed haircut and color. So, I'm anxiously anticipating, not awaiting, my parents questioning. I know it's come. I have a feeling it's going to come from my dad. He's going to ask about my weight or something like that. They've gone too long without asking so it's bound to happen this week. I hate the conversation and try so hard to end it as quickly as possible. I'm sure my dad will want to know how much I weigh and if I'm at the weight he wanted me to be at. Um, no dad...and I won't be, thanks!

So, I was thinking about eating disorders and how much they suck. There are so many things I can't do, like:

--Eat whatever I want to, when I want to.
--Not work out when I don't want to or am sick, etc.
--Enjoy food

Let's see, food scares the hell out of me. I hate my body. I absolutely freakout when I gain so much as a pound. I work out primarily to burn calories, though I know if I wasn't obsessed with that I would actually enjoy working out. I hate having any ounce of fat on my body. I love bones and want to be able to see them and feel them. I hate the way animals feel when they're boney though. I wouldn't have to go to bed hungry many nights if I didn't have an ED. I don't think I'll ever be able to not be obsessed with food, weight, exercise, fat, skinny, etc. I don't think it's possible to be "normal." I don't understand it and I am very envious of people who are thin and don't give an ounce of thought to their weight or body.

I really want to start weighing myself more. I've been sneaking in a second weigh in recently. I just want to be skinny, yet I would love so much to be able to live a normal life.

Golden Grahams

It was quite ironic that Charro mentioned Golden Grahams to me yesterday, since I was just talking about them on Kara's blog the other day. She said I should have something different for breakfast since I've been eating the same thing for the past 10 years. She said, "how about Golden Grahams?" I was like, "That's so weird. I was just talking about them the other day. I love them." So she thinks that I should have a bowl, a real bowl, not my mini bowl that I eat my Fiber One from every morning. So, I don't know if I'm up for that challenge. I just think about how much sugar is in them and how I'd be getting nothing nutritional out of it.

I am listening to my sesh right now. I am heading to the park for a run in 35 minutes. It's soooo beautiful out.


**EDIT**

I just was running in the park and a man with a GOLDEN GRAHAMS T-shirt ran by me. LOL!!! It was yellow and said "golden grahams" on it. HA!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Oh shin

My shin has been hurting for a few days. It doesn't hurt all the time but I can totally tell I'm getting a shin splint, which really makes no sense to me. I'm not running enough to get them. It's actually hurting a little bit right now and I'm not even doing anything. Maybe I should stick some ice on it for preventative measures. It would TOTALLY SUCK if I got a stress fracture, but I don't think that would happen. It's not bad so I'll be okay. I had horrible shin splints in high school. Ugh! Felt like my shins were giving birth.

I am trying to decide if I will run to my appointment with Charro tomorrow. I think it might be too cold to venture out in shorts at 8 AM, which is the only thing that's stopping me. I don't want to freeze my ass off after sitting in her office. I might have to wait until it gets a little bit warmer out. I could walk there though, and not have to worry so much about my attire.

Guess that's it.

Good morning

I woke up at a good weight today so I was happy about that. We shall see. It probably won't last. Charro would not be happy. Why am I doing something that I know I'm not supposed to be doing? I don't know. Hmm, I can't talk about it with her because then she would know that I don't weigh enough to keep "our agreement."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I don't know why, but I'm having a weight freakout for some reason. I had to go weigh myself. The number didn't upset me, which is a good thing, but I shouldn't have had to have weighed myself. That's twice for the day and I'm afraid they're might be a third time. I even have the leg shake/fidget going. I have no idea what sparked this. I was just sitting here and starting feeling like I had to weigh myself and stuff. Ugh, why? I wish I could just get rid of this stupid crap. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to "recover." I hesitate to use that word because I don't really think I am sick, therefore I have nothing to "recover" from. I just wish I could be normal. I wish I could eat like a normal person and not have to worry about my weight, calories, etc. It sucks. It really does. I really don't think I will ever be able to be "normal." I don't think it's possible and that's sad.

I've gotta run out. I might have to come back and continue this post...

I think I feel a little better. Went for a mini walk to pick up my friend's dog. Maybe I'll take a nice long walk in the park tomorrow or Friday when it's nice out. I'll look for famous people.

Talking about being "fired"

I was so annoyed, well not really "SO" annoyed last night during my sesh because my stupid recorder stopped recording. Actually, it didn't really bother me all that much. Ha! I did get most of the sesh on tape.

I think my sudden fear of getting "fired" from Charro stems from the fact that I really feel like I need to lose weight. I didn't know that last night when I was talking to her though. We talked about the whole "firing" thing and she was like "Do you want me to fire you?" I was like "NO!" Then she said, "do you want me to set boundaries and do you want to do ask you what you weigh?" I said no again. I definitely don't want her to ask me how much I weigh because the I would get fired. I definitely don't want that.

I'm drinking my protein shake because I'm lacking some serious protein, plus I ran this morning so I feel like really need it.

I can't remember what else we discussed last night. She gave me a homework assignment but I don't remember what it was. It was either write a letter to my body or have my body write a letter to me. Oh well, she's not going to look at it anyway so I won't do it. I don't see the point.


This is a really boring post. I had so much more I wanted to get out of my head but now I can't think.

Tori Spelling is on The View and they are talking about her weight.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Interruptions

I went to see Charro at a different time last night. I was at her other office, which is a medical building, and her (the psych) area is a day treatment program for substance abuse and eating disorders. So, that's fun. I never see anyone when I go there because I either go in the morning, before groups start, or at night when all the groups are over. Well, I was there right when a group was about to start. I got into the waiting room and there were 3 other people there. I didn't like that one bit. So I sat there with them and they were getting annoyed because their group was starting late. Anyway, they all went back there for group and Charro came out a few minutes later. She apologized for being late and I said, "That's okay. I was going to just go in with those people for group." She was like "You could have, it's nutrition group." Ha!

About 8 minutes into our sesh there was a knock on the door and then it opened. Why do people knock if they're not going to wait for you to answer it? The lady just barged in. Thank God I was hiding in my little crevice so the lady didn't see me. If I was in the chair I would have been right there when she opened the door. The lady goes "Are you with someone?" Charro then went into the hall to talk with her. When she came back she was like, "She was probably wondering where the person I am with was because no one sits where you sit." It was funny.

We talked a lot yesterday. I told her that I don't feel like I'm skinny enough (aka "sick enough," in her words) to be there. We've talked about that before but I felt the need to bring it up again. Basically, I feel like I suck at being "anorexic." I'm not saying that I want to be sick, but I feel like if I'm going to do something I should be able to do it right, and I know that "doing it right" means being sick and not well at all, but I just feel like I've failed at this. Again, it's a good thing, I guess, because I don't want to be really sick and I definitely do not want to die.

I also told Charro that I would lose weight if she ever fired me. We discussed that for a few minutes, even though my time was up. It's true though, if she fired me I'd just not eat. It would be my way of getting back at her. We talked about how it's not really getting back at her but to me if feels like it would be. We should probably continue that discussion tonight. She kept telling me that it wouldn't hurt her if I didn't eat, I'd only be hurting myself.

I don't know what I'm going to do at the gym today. I don't feel like going. I'll go and then I'll walk to Charro later, if it's not raining. That's a good 4 mile walk. I walk fast so it's a good workout.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Sunday over and out

I made it through Easter. It was a nice day. I ate a "normal" meal and am stuffed (and this was eaten over 4 hours ago). I feel like, and I'm sure I did gain 4 million pounds. I don't look forward to getting on the scale in the morning. I have, thus far, opted to not get on it today, since my morning weigh in.

I'm starting to think that glass jarred 3 pound candle falling on my head on Tuesday did a little more damage than I initially though. The only reason I believe this is because I've felt a little weird the past few days. My head I mean. Like that spacey, weird concussion feeling. I only feel that way only in the morning though, which I guess is a good thing. Maybe it has something to do with it being "that time of the month," but I don't know. I'm hoping but I don't really think so, though I don't know how that stupid candle could have possibly given me even a slight concussion. Yes, I'm quite susceptible now. Yes, it was heavy, but it didn't fall very hard. I'm just concerned that I shouldn't be running. I ran just 2 miles today and then did the elliptical for an hour and felt a bit weird. Oh well. We will see what tomorrow brings. I know I have a lot of calories to burn off.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

How random is this?

I am so exhausted. I'd go to bed right now but I have bread baking in the oven. I screwed up the directions a little, but I don't really care at this point.

I made sauce and baked ziti. I'm done!! I have to wait 30 more minutes for this bread to be done and then it's bed time. I'll wake up, go to the gym, get my mom some Easter flowers or a plant and then come home and have Easter. I won't lie, I'm scared about the food. I'm not actually scared about the food, I'm scared about gaining weight.

So I ran into this girl I went to high school with in the grocery store today. Guess where she lives?? Okay, you won't, but right across the street from Charro's office...above Charro's favorite diner. How weird is that?? Nuts, isn't it. I was like "I'm down that way all the time." When she asked why, I kind of made up an answer. Couldn't really say, "that's where my therapist's office is." How freaking random is that though? Wait until I tell Charro on Monday. I'm surprised I've never run into her down there before. I haven't seen her since I graduated 12 years ago. Geez, I'm old!

Speaking of old, I found out "44" is really "46." He tried to kiss me AGAIN last night and I was like (AGAIN) "I am NOT your girlfriend and never will be. Stop trying to kiss me!!!" Maybe, just maybe it will sink in to his dumb, balding head. I don't care that he's balding, I just thought I'd throw that in there.

Can I sleep now? So far no comments from my rents, though I feel like they're checking me out and watching me. They won't say anything tomorrow or Monday because people will be here. Thank goodness.

Nasty bodasty

I was teaching a strength class this morning. I was looking in the mirror thinking I'm so fat. Look at all of my fat rolls and love handles. I was also thinking I'm starving. How could I be so fat and still be hungry at the same time??? WTF?

I have to cook Easter dinner now.

Easter time

I'm going home today. My parents come home today too. I haven't seen them in a little over a month. I haven't changed at all, if anything, I gained a pound since I last saw them. I'm nervous to see them though. I'm afraid of what they will see and think. I don't mean that they're going to look at me and think I'm too skinny, because I haven't lost weight. I'm just afraid that they're going to say something to me. They didn't say anything to me about anything last time they saw me, which was nice, so it's bound to happen. It probably won't happen this weekend, since it's Easter and we'll be busy and stuff, but at some point my dad is going to want to know how much I weigh. I am not at the weight he wanted me to be at, nor do I plan on going to that weight anytime soon. That would mean putting on 4 pounds and that's not going to happen. Ugh! Can't wait for that conversation.

I'm going home to cook up a freaking storm. I'm making sauce, baked ziti, and Easter bread. Those are my main things and then I will help my dad with his pies and stuff. Then...the big meal tomorrow. F-U-N!

I'm fat. I just woke up, and I'm tired.

Friday, April 10, 2009

#3 for the day

I'm going out and I hate the way I look. I have fat thighs, wide hips and a muffin top which you can see through my shirt. EW!!!! WTF!!

I'm faaaaaat!

I tried avoidance

I was a bit cranky this morning when I got to Charro. I didn't want to go deal with things and then I got off the subway and was walking there and there was this annoying protest going on. It was actually the lead on the news just now. I hate protesters. They're just annoying!!

So I told Charro about my three dreams (see below if you're interested) and we talked about the ED ones for a minute. Then we kind of sat there. Finally she goes, "So why aren't you talking about something that you want to talk about today? I don't know what it is, I just have that feeling that you're trying to avoid something?" I said, "there's nothing that I want to talk about" and then she brought up Tuesday. We didn't spend too much time on it, but I just kept telling her that I felt like an ass and was intruding on her. Nothing really worth reporting.

By then end of our sesh I was in more of a pissy mood and she wanted to know why. I told her I was mad at her for disagreeing with me about breakfast foods. I was arguing with her because I don't know why it's "unacceptable" to have breakfast foods for other meals. She doesn't think it's okay so I got pissed at that. She then said that it's okay if you don't have an ED. Okay, I will give her that. She asked if I it came up, when I left, that I was mad at her for something or about something in our sesh if I "could bring it up on Monday." She wants me to write it down and bring it in. I said fine, but I'm not mad at anything specific. I'm just pmsing, I think.

2 post on Good Friday, and it's not even 12:30 PM yet.

Another wacky dream

The building I teach aerobics in is a huge, residential building. It's kind of confusing to figure out which elevators to take, etc. if you don't know where you need to go. Anyway, onto my dream...

I dreamt that I was going to teach at one of the other locations that I had never been to before. I got there and couldn't figure out which entrance to go in. I went in and was wondering around and ended up in their medical section. I was looking around to ask someone where the gym was and I came across a woman sitting at a desk. I went up to ask her and noticed that she had posters and brochures about anorexia and eating disorders all over her wall and desk. It kind of freaked me out. I asked her how to get to the gym and she told me which elevator to take, but told me that I'd need a pass to get up there. She didn't have a pass for me so she said "I'll give you a medical bracelet." She asked my name and wrote it on the bracelet. I thought I was just going to have to carry it around, but she put it on my wrist. I thought, oh, I'll just cut it off when I get to the gym. I don't want to teach with this annoying thing on my wrist. So I went on my merry way, but before I got out of that area some doctor stopped me and wanted to weigh me. I was like "Um, ok." I didn't want to seem defensive of suspicious. So, I let her weigh me, and I had my sneakers on and stuff, and she weighed me while surrounded by 4 other doctors and nurses. I watched the scale as they weighed me and was getting nervous as she started going under 100 pounds with the lever thing. I was thinking Oh shit, they can't see this. So she stopped it at 93 pounds and they were all concerned by that. I was like "That scale is not correct. I think I would know if I weighed 93 pounds. Come on. I definitely don't weigh 93 pounds." So they were like "Okay, we'll go get another scale. Don't go anywhere!!"

I sat down and waited with a couple of girls who were just sitting there for some reason. I guess they lived in the building or something. So we sat there for a while and finally I was like "I gotta go. My class starts in 10 minutes." So I stood up to leave and tried to sneak to the elevator without any of the doctors or nurses seeing me. I got to the elevator and one of them saw me walking. I tried to hide and she was calling my name. Then she saw me and was like "where are you going?" I was like "I've gotta a class to teach." Then I woke up. I tried to go back to sleep because I wanted to know what was going to happen.

Oh yeah, but they did weigh me again, I forgot about this, and I weighed 104 and I freaked out, but I didn't really want them to see me freaking out because I didn't want them to think that it was an issue for me, so I stepped off the scale all pissy and made some sort of comment and the doctor said something to me, and I just walked out.

I'm teaching at a different gym tomorrow, which is probably why I had this dream. I'm not sure what all the other stuff was about though.

Then I had a dream I saw Martina and Bette Middler (random) at the Beacon Theatre. We were 4 rows back and it was awesome. They took a break half way through and both went out through through the venue. I followed Martina, who had her short hair back and was soooo tiny. I went back there and she was meeting with fans. She saw me and said "Hi Palm" and gave me a hug. I said, "You remember my name?" She said, "Yes, I really liked you up until last year when your newsroom kept calling me all the time." I said, "So you don't like me anymore?" She said, "No I do." :) Then we chatted a bit and I went back to my seat. My other two friends were in the back talking to Bette and getting her autograph. Oh, I asked Martina if she'd sing a song for me. She said yes.


So, we're back at our seats and I said, "Oh man, I should have asked Martina if I could sing with her. I sang with her here 7 years ago and it would be so cool to do it here again." Oh well. There was more to the dream but it's not important.

Ugh, Charro in 90 minutes.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Can I skip it?

I don't feel like going to Charro tomorrow. I'm just going to pretend that whole incident, which apparently really was not as bad as I think it was, happened on Tuesday. I'm not going to mention it at all. We'll see if she brings it up. I'm guessing that she won't let me get away with not talking about it. Oh well.

The moon was absolutely amazing tonight. I wish I had my camera with me. I was leaving the gym, which is on the 36 floor, and caught a glimpse of the moon. So I went out on the sundeck and checked it out. It was deep orange and full and hanging above the city. It was awesome!! I've never seen anything like it.

Bedtime...wish I didn't have to see Charro in 11 hours.

If I had to, I'd go here

I had a dream last night that I was in a treatment place. This isn't a new dream. It was funny though, the place wasn't bad, in fact I don't remember doing much there. My studio apartment was my room in the place. My next door neighbor here was my next door neighbor there. I had my cats, she had her dog. One of the girls who works at my gym, who was my sister in my dream, which is pretty funny because she's from the Dominican Republic or something was in it. She and I were having a conversation on my couch because I was getting out of there at 4 PM that day, and she had to stay. We were discussing how no one thinks she has a problem because she is a little bit bigger. How our parents were always more concerned about me than about her because I was the "thinner" one. I told her how I felt bad about that.

She left my room and I started getting ready to go home. I emptied the litter box, added more litter, cleaned my kitchen (Yes, I had a kitchen in my room) and was just doing some general cleaning. My friend next door came by on her way to take her dog out. She said she'd be back in a minute. I continued to do my stuff and then I went next door for a minute and she was opening a container of chicken nuggets, which I thought was strange because she's a vegetarian. Anyway, she whispered "Do you want to work out?" I didn't hear her and asked "what?" and she said "Do you want to workout?" I said, "YES! We need to do it in my place though because my parents will be coming to get me in a few minutes." I was nervous about being caught, but I was going to lock my door.

Then, I woke up! If I ever had to go anywhere, that would be the place I'd like to go!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Damn candle

My front yard
Pretty, ain't it?

So, Monday I had to rid my kitchen of a stupid dead mouse in the traps that I set. This was at my kitchen at home, not my apartment. My parents will get to deal with that now that they'll be back in town.

Yesterday, one of those large Yankee Candles fell on my head while I was at the office. Don't ask how that happened! The thing must have weighed 3 pounds. That glass is pretty thick. So, I was freaking out all day, thinking that I was going to die from a head injury. I was freaking out last night but was glad when I woke up this morning.

I ran 7 miles this morning. That felt great. Now, if I get a headache, I won't know if it's from running or from the dumb candle. We know my head injury history, and it's not good.

It snowed this morning. What's that about. Hello, where is Spring?

I so do NOT want to go see Charro on Friday. Maybe I should just cancel for the rest of my life. I don't want to talk about anything ever.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Feeling like an ass

I forgot my tape recorder in Charro's office tonight. I got to the end of the block when I realized it. I called her but there was no answer so I decided to walk back and buzz her. I looked in the window and knew that she didn't have anyone in there with her, so I buzzed. I wasn't sure if there was someone in the waiting room, but I was pretty sure she didn't have an appointment after me.

So, I buzzed the door and she didn't respond. I went back and looked in the window, called her again and left a message this time, then buzzed the door again. I felt like such an ass. She answered and came out and was like "did you forget something?" I said, "Yes, my recorder." She was like, "You know what, I need to do something because I made a personal call." I said, "I'll just delete the whole thing because I don't know how to delete a section." So I stood there and deleted our entire sesh and then said, "By the way, do you have my receipt?" which we have both forgotten about the past 3 seshes. So, she gave me that and I left. I felt/feel like a complete asshole for going back, like I totally busted in on her.

I got back here as fast as I could and emailed her and told her how much of an ass I felt like. Here's what I wrote :

I am SO SORRY for barging in on you like that. I really feel like a complete ass and probably shouldn't have come back. I was pretty sure you didn't have a 7, but still, I feel like a total ass. I'm so sorry, and it's really bothering me. I hope I totally didn't fuck you up. I couldn't get home fast enough to email you and apologize, though it's really not helping the situation any. I'm sorry. Now I feel like an ass and need to quit.

I think she can tell how dumb I feel because of my language (the whole "fuck" thing). She wrote back right away. She obviously wants to talk about it on Friday and said it "could be good grist for the mill." That's one I've never heard before. Maybe she will forget that she wants to talk about it on Friday...if I'm lucky, she will.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Well, I think I weigh 2 million pounds so I'm going to weigh myself before I go to bed, which will just put me in a pissy mood, I'm sure, but I need to know what I weight. I guess we're kind of weaning off the weighing once a day thing.

Appetite supressant

One way to lose your appetite...

Come home to find a dead mouse in the pantry (3rd one in the past month). This one really grossed me out and I lost my appetite. Not such a bad thing, I guess. The first one my uncle found, the second and third ones I had the pleasure of finding. SOOOOOO GROSS!!

Will write more later. Didn't feel like going to Charro this morning, and I told her that, but it turned out ok. Have to go to the eye doctor in a bit, after I'm done baking my nephew's cake.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Dinner with my man, well, one of them

I'm back in the "I'm hungry and can't eat anything" state again tonight.

Tomorrow I am going home to have a birthday dinner with my handsome little man. He wants me to make him pizza and two chocolate cakes, with sprinkles. He will get ONE cake, not two. He also said that he wants Martina's new CD and Taylor Swift's CD. He's turning 5!! I had NO influence on his gift desires either. I swear! How funny is my little nephew. I love him. My little Bugs turns 7 next month. Wow, I can't believe it.

K, gotta watch the country awards.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!

I met one of my friends at a coffee shop today. I had tea, which is not unusual, however I had tea with caffeine, which I never have. Well, I got home and I couldn't figure out why my arms and hands were all shaky, then I realized...caffeine!! Geez.

I feel like I've been eating nonstop today. I hate food and I don't want to eat it. I'm meeting my brother in law out later. Maybe there will be a cute guy there. Who knows.

I keep trying to call my stupid ass sister so I can talk to my nephews, but she's probably with her dumb ass lover. HATE HIM!!! She's not answering her cell because she's with him. I know it. I HATE HIM SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!! I can't even tell you how much I hate him. I want to punch the living daylights out of him, and I will, when I see him. I don't care if I break my hand, as long as I break his ugly face. I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! Again, words do not describe my hate towards him.

That's all I have to say. I'm sure I weigh 300 pounds too.

Friday, April 03, 2009

"I like breasts"

I had my breakfast with Charro this morning. I wasn't nervous because, well I don't really know why. I guess because it's something I would eat normally anyway. I just hate biting things in front of her because I'm afraid I'll make a stupid face. She really liked the apple pizza, after having made a face of disgust every time I mentioned it over the past year. She goes "Mmmmm, this is good!!! This is really hitting the spot!" She even emailed me after to tell me she liked it. I left the leftovers with her.

Charro informed me that she had the stomach bug yesterday. I said, "Oh, maybe that means I'm going to get it because I was with you on Wednesday." She didn't like that thought.

So we were sitting there discussing Kelly Ripa because we were talking about a commercial she was in, and Charro goes,

"She's got issues, though right. Remember her body when she was on 'All My Children," when it was normal? It's like clear as day."

ME - "She looks good though."

Charro - "I don't think so. I like breasts. I don't think women should be looking like boys."

ME- "Some of us can't help it."

Charro - "I'm just suggesting that the look of the malnourished is not my favorite look."

Ugh, then she wanted to talk about my body in relation to men, like if I feel I need to be a certain way for them. Well, I don't want them grabbing my fatty love handles!!

I think that's all I have to report for now. I may have more to report later.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Tea

I'm drinking tea because I'm hungry and I don't want to eat anything. Disordered, yes I know. I had some peppers when I got back from class, and a few pretzels but I am still hungry and don't want to eat. I feel like I weigh too much write now.

Okay, here's the deal, I can go weigh myself and if I weigh an acceptable amount I will allow myself to eat. But, should I break my one weigh a day rule and do that?? If it's not at an acceptable number I guess I won't eat anyway, so maybe I should just not eat. Stupid crap. Do I stay hungry or weigh and possibly still stay hungry. Ugh. Why is this so torturous?? This blows.


I have to have breakfast with Charro tomorrow. Blah. I made apple pizza. (dough, apples, cinnamon and sugar). It came out looking very nice actually.

Shit, I think I'm gonna go weigh myself...

I guess I'm NOT eating. Stupid shit. (not me). I weight tooooooo f'n much.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

It happens

That's also the name of Sugarland's current single...

So, I had a "good" sesh with Charro tonight. I feel like I talked a lot, which was good. I kind of hid in the corner on her filing cabinet (which is were I sit). She started off by making fun on my socks and my hat, and how they completely clash. She likes to do that. I think it's funny. She said "Those again? And with your hat, it's just tragic." LOL. She's funny. Oh, when she came out to get me she commented on how she could "really smell my coconut today."

So, I went through my list of things to talk about with her. I told her how I don't feel like eating and that I feel like I need to weigh myself more. She asked me why and I didn't know. She said that something must have triggered this. I can't really think of anything. She wanted to know if it had something to do with my parents coming home soon. I don't think it does, though it does stress me out because everytime I go home, I will be all anxious around them, worrying that they are going to say something to me about my eating and stuff. It's like I sit there and wait for it because I know they will eventually say something. I know my dad is going to ask me about my weight. Blah. I told her about a few dreams I had and, I don't know why, but it totally drives me insane that she has to read into my dreams and think there is some deeper meaning, when most of the time there isn't.

I am listening to my sesh as I'm typing this, which is why I'm probably more all over the place than usual.

So, I didn't really eat dinner tonight. I know I'm going to wake up starving but I had lunch so I felt like I didn't need dinner. I know that that way of thinking is a bit messed up but I can't help it and I don't know why it's happening right now. I realize that I'm in some sort of disordered rut. Oh well, I'm sure it will go away...it always does. I just don't know why the feelings and thoughts are back so strong all of sudden. I just feel like I need to not eat.

Okay, I'm going to concentrate on my listening.

I want to go back

I want to go back to weighing myself whenever I want to again. I feel like if I eat, I need to be able to weigh myself. They go hand and hand. I don't mean "if" I eat, I do eat, I just mean if I eat more substantially...which I don't really want to do.

I made a list of things to talk about tonight, which will take up about 3 minutes of time. I don't know what we'll do with the other 47 minutes.

I feel like I'm getting fatter by the minute. My cat is on my lap so I can't type anymore.