Tuesday, March 31, 2009

No Charro tonight

Check this out!!! Martina.

Charro cancelled for tonight. She warned me a few weeks ago that she might be a little late today, that there was a 1 percent chance that she'd be late and she'd let me know. I guess that 1 percent chance turned into a 100 percent definite and she just emailed me a bit ago and asked if I could go tomorrow instead. That's fine, but it stinks because I could have stayed home and picked up my nephew from school. Stink bombs. I guess this gives me the chance to write down things I want to talk about, because I have a mini list in my head, which I will surely forget.

I don't feel like having dinner tonight, so I might just skip it. No big deal. I'm sure I'll eat something at some point but I don't need a meal. I do have to go get milk so I can have breakfast in the morning.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Nothing to talk about, again

I wish I could figure out why I don't want to eat. I just don't want to. I guess I do when I'm hungry, sometimes, but for the most part I don't. I just don't want to gain any weight. I know, it sounds so superficial and dumb, but I can't help it, that is how I feel. I feel like there's no point in talking about it with Charro because she won't really have anything to say about it, I don't think.

My sesh this morning was stupid because I didn't have anything to say. I hate that. I couldn't think of anything. I feel like I need to be all deep all the time and I'm not and I can't think of anything to be deep about. Stupid. I am stupid. I suck at therapy. Maybe I should just not eat and get all skinny, at least we'd have something to talk about.

We are having breakfast again on Friday, but I am making it. I'm in control. Yay! It's a fat free breakfast so I don't really know why she's going for it. I'm making apple pizza. :) She makes a face everytime I say it because she thinks it sounds really gross. It's good!

Anyway, I'm seeing my friend H. tomorrow. I'm sure she's going to ask questions about my eating and stuff. I've always been good at talking to her but I don't think I'll open up tomorrow if she brings things up. What's there to say? She'll ask how I'm doing and I'll say "fine." Seriously, what else would I say to her? There's nothing to say. She saw a picture of me last week (which was taken in December) and emailed me and asked me how I was doing because I "looked really skinny." Oh well, I don't look "really skinny" now, so that should answer her question. Maybe I should just have a full blown ED and then I'd give people a real reason to be concerned. I don't want them to be concerned but they're concerned now and there's no reason to be, so why don't I give them a reason. Make it worth it for everyone, me included. Okay, I know (I've come out of my psychotic episode), having a full blown ED is NOT what I want. I want to be healthy and happy, but I want to be skinny and I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too, whatever the hell that really means. I'm rambling.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

My fortune

This is my fortune! Absolutely hysterical!!

Your Fortune Is:
If someone calls you fat, don't get angry... just turn the other chin.

I'm a papaya

What tropical fruit and I test
Papaya
You are a calm, balanced, and mild mannered person. While you're peaceful and together, you're also quite complex. You are authentic and honest. There are some very distinct elements to your personality. You are exotic and original, but you don't flaunt it. You allow others to discover your subtle complexities.

Give a girl a pole and she'll use it

I had a blast with my friend and her friend who came to visit me yesterday. We hung out in my place for a bit and then went down to SOHO and did a little shopping. Well, I guess we didn't shop because we didn't buy anything. Then we went to Little Italy for some cappuccino. We realized it was 6 PM and we should just have dinner instead, but we had already sat down so we ordered coffees (not me, wish I did drink it sometimes) and mini desserts and then went to dinner.

After dinner we went back to my place, they showered and then we went out. We went to my karaoke bar. It was packed. Well, they put in a pole (yes, for pole dancing). I spent most of the night up there and will soon have the bruises all over my fat inner thighs to prove it. Some guy even gave me a buck. Ha! It's a great upper body workout. I hung upside-down. Woo hoo. I met a cute guy, not from the dancing, I'm sure, and he took my number but I doubt he will call. You know those bar guys. He did say I have "beautiful chestnut eyes."

Didn't get to bed until 2:30 AM. I woke up at 7:30 and the girls were still fast asleep. My freaking inner thighs definitely feel bruised, though the colors are not showing up yet. The time I took a pole dancing class I had quite the big bruise on my thigh. Cool.

I went to teach aerobics this morning, though I literally sweat more in my sleep last night than I did teaching. What's that about? It is because I ate a real dinner? Is it because it was hot in here? The others weren't hot, I asked, though they were closer to the windows. Is it because I was dancing up a storm? Hmm, I don't know, but I was drenched.


Now I am going to do nothing all day. I have a few things I have to do, but that's about it. I will hopefully go to bed early, wake up and then go see Charro and head back home on the train. Fun stuff, eh?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Sandwiching cats

I've been sleeping horribly lately. I'm not really sure what that's about. I don't think it helps that my cats are sandwiching and I can't move while I'm sleeping. Then they end up on top of me. I love them to death, but a girl needs her sleep!

I've got a friend and her friend coming to town today. They're staying overnight, which should be a lot of fun. Hopefully some karaoke will be happening. I love myself some karaoke, baby!! They both have kids so I think they want to get pretty crazy. Geez, I'm going to be the old fogy in the group.

I just got a call to teach a class this morning. That's good because I could use the extra dough. I was going to run but I guess that's not happening. I am going to run a little before class, but not the distance I would have if I wasn't teaching. I have to teach tomorrow too, but that's normal.

Geez, I guess I should eat breakfast so I can get ready to go. I need to do laundry and clean my kitchen and bathroom when I get home. I'll have to rush on those things because my friend will be here shortly after that.

Oh, so I hate when people say my name during a conversation because it usually means they're being really serious about something, or they're angry. Well, Charro knows this...I think because I told her. So our sesh was over yesterday, but she was on a roll so she kept talking and I got the, "I disagree PTC..." I cringed. When I listened to it on tape, I cringed again. Freaks me out.

Gotta go.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Blobber

I feel crappy because I didn't work out. Fat blob!
And I hate food!!
It is so nice out today. I really want to go for a run in the park, but my body doesn't really want to do that, I don't think. I don't even feel like going to the gym, but I have to, even if it's just a quick workout. I was planning on running today, but I don't think that's going to happen. I guess I could skip the gym, though I didn't go Tuesday. I did walk about 7 miles on Tuesday though, at a brisk pace. Is that considered a workout? I don't know. I just feel guilty if I don't go to the gym, but I really don't feel like it. Maybe I will later. Maybe I should just rest today and then have a nice run tomorrow. Geez, I hate these little wars in my head. I'm becoming such a slacker. I'm letting myself down.

My sesh with Charro was uneventful this morning. I didn't talk about anything for the first 15 minutes, then we started talking. I'll have to listen to the recording later. I like that I can go back and listen to it. I think it's helpful. I like that I get to go in on Monday morning too. That's going to be good because I'm usually anxious to go back after my Friday sesh.

Charro says I don't remember things that are emotional for me, or something like that. Like I block things out, hence the "amnesia" she always jokes about. Who knows.

I'm not really hungry right now, I so I guess I can fore go lunch for the time being. (Ew, the lady on this commercial had way too much botox. Facial movement is a good thing, people!) Oh wait, I think I might have just gotten hungry, but I don't really have anything here to eat. That's a problem. I'm just not in the mood for anything. Eating disorders rock, man. (Sense the sarcasm).

My legs are freaking tired.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A boring post

I like taping my sesh's with Charro. I come home and listen to them, or listen to them the next day so I can remember what it is I want to talk to her about. She likes it because then she says I can't have "amnesia." She always says I have amnesia because I always tell her I don't remember what we were talking about or what I wanted to talk about. She doesn't believe that one, but sometimes I really do forget. So, this taping thing is working out well so far. I've only taped twice.

I told Charro that I didn't want to talk to her or anyone anymore. I explained why I didn't want to, and am not going to talk to my friends anymore. I said, "I'll just talk to you." Then I said, "Well, I don't like talking and don't want to talk anymore at all." She wanted to figure out what that was about. She kept asking if I was pissed at her or upset with her. I said no, because I'm not. She said I could be and not have a reason to be. I honestly don't believe I am.

I guess that's all. I don't really have much to say these days.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Zip it

Ugh, I don't feel like talking anymore. I mean, like talking to Charro. I hate talking and I don't like doing it, therefore I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm listening to our sesh from last night, and besides hating the sound of my voice, I think I'm probably a pain in the ass a bit.

I have to go take my jeans to get hemmed and I don't want to do that either. So annoying. It's right across the street, but it's like an annoying errand that I don't want to do. Blah.

Charro tonight. I don't feel like talking.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My sesh with Charro was just okay. I walked there. Well, I walked further than there so I could go get Martina's new cd, only to find out that KMart didn't sell CDs, well this one doesn't. WTF? So, I walked about maybe 85-90 blocks. I didn't go to the gym so all the walking I did today, including the 2 miles I did this morning, was my workout. Blah!! I did get the CD. I forgot there was a huge record store right by her office. Duh! I've only song in it a bunch of times, in the window.

So, I'm listening to the CD and reflecting on my sesh. Okay, so I'm not really reflecting though I am about to listen to it. When I left I was pissed off for some reason. I said, "Now I'm in a bad mood." Charro said, "You've been pissed off since you got here?" I was like "I have?" She asked why I was pissed off and I said I didn't know. She said, "I want you to come in tomorrow and tell me why you're pissed off."

The first thing she said to me when I got there was "I can't see you on Wednesdays anymore." I was like "shiites," though I kind of suspected that might happen. (work reasons). So now I am going to see her on Monday mornings, which works out way better for me anyway, so I'm excited about that. She thought I was upset by the change, and at first I was like "Oh shit," but that was before she said, "so I can do Mondays at 9 AM or at 4:15 PM, or we can do a double on Tuesday." She then said she didn't think a double works as well as a different day. So, 9 AM on Mondays it is, and that's perfect. It won't screw up my schedule at all and actually works out much better for me. I can still go home Mondays and now I don't have to stress about getting my hair done b/c I could only do it on Wednesdays but in that past that meant having to change my sesh with Charro and I hated messing her up, so now I don't have to do it. I also won't miss field hockey! Yay, so that's all good.

Okay, I'm going to listen to my sesh now. No calls from Martina's boys. :( I guess I need to stop listening to her too, if I'm going to listen to me and Charro. I think Martina's a better bet though.

Yay, Today

I went to the Today Show this morning because Martina was on. :) It was cold out. I went inside and she walked right by me. Well, I was upstairs looking down at the green room and she walked out. Too bad she didn't look up. Now I need to go buy her CD.

I'm hoping that her "guys" (that work for her) will give me a call later so we can hang out. If they get done with everything on time I should hear from them. Keep your fingers crossed. This might mean that I need to keep my phone on during my sesh with Charro. I'd answer it if they call while I'm with her. I don't want to miss that call!! :)

I need to do some work and go work out. I have to work out first thing in the morning or I don't feel like doing it. I bought new sneakers yesterday so I will try them out. That gives me some incentive. :)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Nephew on my back

Can't figure out if my back hurts because my 7 year old scrawny nephew jumped on it or if I'm sore for teaching class today. I'm going with my nephew.

My cousin just IMed me on Facebook. Very strange since I never talk to him and see him once every few years. Weird.

So last night I went to this "Decades" party and wore the dress my mom wore on her honeymoon almost 41 years ago. How funny. I freaking had a blast, but the host was a bit of a doozy. Anyway, 90 percent of the people there were psychologists...which was very interesting. I wouldn't have guessed it. Anyway, I was acting like a complete nut, I'm sure. I was dancing around with tongs and EZ Cheese, spraying people crackers and pinching some butts. :) I'm sure they all thought I was drunk or on drugs or something, but I just drink water so I was just being myself. I had a freaking blast!!

Today I came home and went to my aunt's for a big family gathering. That was fun too. That's why my nephew jumped on me. He wanted me to go home with them tonight. He's so cute. I love my little guys!!

So that's it. I was trying to figure out why my shin is hurting and thought it was caused by running yesterday, but then I realized that it's from the full out sprint I did the other night in my cowboy boots. I was running to catch the bus. It was quite a sight, I'm sure. Ha! I don't want shin splints or stress fractures.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

This covers a bit of everything

I had a decent workout today. I was/am in a bad mood so I needed that. I didn't run as far as I wanted to, my legs felt like lead weights. (Maybe because they are). I ran 5 miles and then sprinted a half mile. Then I got on the elliptical thing and did another 15 minutes and then shot some hoops. Yeah, I should have done the elliptical longer, but I didn't. Oh well.

My brain is going back to ED world. It seems that happens every so often. It's a like these thoughts come in waves and every few weeks or ever month or two the waves come in like a tsunami. I know I'll be fine, so I'm not very concerned. Although, there is this part of me that's saying screw everyone, I'm just going to not eat and lose weight. Right now I can see that it's not because I just want to lose weight. It's something else, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I want to be invisible? Maybe I want to be seen...I don't know.

I've never really been any good at starving myself, like really starving myself and living off very few calories; because I do tend to eat so I can function like a normal human being. I just had my lunch, which was really disgusting, by the way. I made an egg white omelette with peppers and maybe like 1/2 a serving of cheese, if that, and some salsa. It was gross and I didn't want it to begin with, but I don't have much here to eat. I needed protein so I went with that.

I bought a bunch of fruit yesterday, so I will eat some of that in a little while. I love fruit. I also bought 2 potatoes the other day, which haven't moved off of my counter since I bought them. At least they have each other.

Geez, this sounds like a pathetic post. Really, I promise you that I am not starving myself. I'm eating meals and my Stroopwaffels that my bro-in-law brought back for me from Amsterdam. They are the best cookie/wafer things. They're so not good for you but I don't really care.

I guess that's about it for now. I need to go make a dessert for a party I'm going to tonight.

Oh yeah, Charro wants me to "think" about cutting out two of my workout days. Not really going to happen there, my dear! I guess I can say that I thought about it and didn't quite like the idea.

I wonder why she wants to help me so much?? I guess because it's her job, but still. The other day I said that she doesn't have to care about me. She asked me why I thought that and I said "because it's not your job." She said, "But I do care about you. We have a relationship." I told her I would feel bad if she had to take me to the hospital for some reason, (the background info on the is boring and pointless so I will leave it out). She asked why and I said "because I'd be taking you away from other things, from other people that you have to see. You'd have to sit there with me for hours and I'd feel bad about that." I then said that if something happened to her and I had to take her to the hospital I would do it and be fine with it. She wanted to know why it was okay for me to go care for her, or any other person in my life, but it was not okay for me to have her or any of my friends go and sit with me. She seems to think it all boils down to me not thinking I'm worthy. Who knows, maybe she's right, maybe I do think that. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I have, and would go to the hospital with my friends and sit there an wait with them in the ER all day and stay with them. Why am I allowed to care for others but am not allowed to be cared for?? Why don't I deserve it?

Shit, I'm getting really deep, what's up with that?! Dessert time.

Friday, March 20, 2009

The door is closed

I've kind of closed up shop when it comes to talking to people about my thoughts, fears, and ED stuff as of late. I guess that's a good thing because no one really wants to hear anything about it. No one wants to hear about my crap and deal with that. No one should have to hear about it. So now I just don't talk about any of it. I guess I don't really have anyone to talk to about it anyway. I mean I have Charro, but that's about it. I'm not going to talk to my friends about anything. So, I'm done talking. Sometimes I wish I could see Charro everyday.

At least I have this place...

Snow on Spring

My taping of Charro sesh's is not going so well. Jen's sending me her digital recorder so hopefully that will work better. The sound quality with the tape recorder I have sucks butts.

My sesh with Charro was ok. Nothing to exciting to report. She really wants me to start eating cheese. She said something about how we had to get through this hole of no cheese. I, of course said, "swiss has holes." She looks at me and goes "I knew you were going to say that." She apparently thought the same thing after she said "cheese" and "holes" in the same sentence.

So, our two year anniversary is coming up on Good Friday. The first time I saw her was on April 6, 2007, which was Good Friday. So, I said "I should make a cake." She said, "Yes, we could have it for breakfast." Then she realized that it's Good Friday and she has to fast until 3 PM. I said, "Oooh, I better fast too. I should be more religious!" She said, "NO! People who are under 14, having eating disorders or are elderly do not partake in the fasting." I said that I really should do it, even though I'm not Catholic. I said that it's not fair that she can do it. She responded with "I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not elderly...I don't think, and I'm not 14, unfortunately because I really enjoyed my teenage years." Oh well, I tried. So, it looks like I'm making apple pizza and bringing it to our Wed. night sesh of that week. She first said, "You can make breakfast or I can, well, I'd pick it up." I said, "OH NO, I WILL BE I CHARGE!!!" :)


Hmm, I need to take a nap. Was out late last night, but had a blast!!

I think Charro and my relationship is really good. I feel very comfortable with her, and I'm pretty sure she feels comfortable with me. She said she was thinking about me and J. (my ex) the other day. She started asking questions and then asked if I had ever been in love. I wanted to move away from that topic as quickly as possible. I said, "no." Well, unfortunately, I haven't. Oh well. She thinks it's because I don't allow myself to get close to people and share my feelings. Who knows. I don't think I've found the right guy yet to fall head over heals.

Oh, and I woke up to snow this morning.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

What's the deal?

Yeh, I just deleted my entire post and I don't feel like writing it again. Seriously, so annoyed by that.

Here it is summarized...I weigh too much and I'm obsessing about food today because I have to eat dinner tonight at like 9:30. So, I will end up eating two dinners because I will eat before I work out and teach tonight. Though, I guess maybe yogurt doesn't count as a meal. To me it does.

I hate that I'm obsessing and I don't know why today I'm worried about not eating this now because I might have that later. It's weird. I don't know. I just know that I better wake up tomorrow and have my weight be back where it was yesterday because today it was too high. I guess, in the whole scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, but apparently it does to me.

I shouldn't care. I have two girls whom I coached who were just diagnosed with cancer. One is terminal and the other is the "good" leukemia. I feel horrible. It's so incredibly sad and life is not fair. Young people should not get sick. Mean people should get sick. I'm going to go visit them next week at the hospital. What can I bring them? One is a senior in high school and will hopefully go on to live a normal life after her treatments. The other is a sophomore in college and it kills me to think about the fact that she will never get to grow up and experience life. That her family will have a hole in their world. I'm going to pick up a Madlibs because they are near each other and can do that together, but I need to get some other stuff for them. Any ideas?? I need help with that. Something cheery and fun.

I'm also very saddened by Natasha Richardson's death. I think because it's such a freak thing and I get so many concussions that it freaks me out. I only saw one movie she was in, but it's so sad that her two kids are now motherless. Horrible things going on these days. So sad. This is when I really hate that I'm so vain and obsessed about my body. That makes me a horrible person.

Kara tagged me

3 Random thoughts I had today

Life is not fair at all. (Two girls I coached found out they have cancer within days of each other. One is treatable, hopefully, the other is not. Makes me very sad.)
Why won't my cat eat the oil I poured for her?
Why can't I think of any random thoughts? Usually that's all that fills my head.

3 Good things that have happened to me today

I woke up.
I am going to the CMA song writers showcase later.
I didn't have to work out this morning because I'm doing that later.

3 Bad things that have happened to me today.

Found a worm on my blackberry and am afraid to eat them.
Weigh too much.
Set off the smoke detector.

3 Things I'm going to do today.

Work out and teach aerobics.
Go see CMA songwriters perform.
Work.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Listening, but can't hear

I'm listening to my sesh with Charro from tonight, but the quality sucks and I can't really hear anything. I need to bring my external microphone, but that would be pretty ridiculous, so I guess I'll just stop trying to tape our sesh. Though, I did really like the idea and thought it would be helpful.

She wants to "stop talking about my eating disorder" because I'm "not doing anything about it anyway." She wants to get to the core of the problem and feels that talking about bones is just getting in the way. Well, I like bones.

I was walking back to my apartment after my sesh and was thinking about how I wish I didn't have an ED and that I could just eat whatever I wanted to. It sucks, it really does, and I wish there was a magic wand that could take it all away.

Ugh, Charro used the word "illness" tonight. I hate when she says that. It sounds so bad, like I'm sick or something. I don't think I'm sick. Yes, maybe I have a little problem, but I wouldn't say that I'm sick. I think the "illness" part is coming up on the tape, too bad the quality sucks butts and I can hear like every 100th word.

In other news, my rents come home in a few weeks and I'm supposed to weigh 4-5 more pounds than I do right now...according to my dad's wishes. That's just ridiculous. I wonder if he's going to ask me how much I weigh. I don't think he'd just come out and ask, but he might be like, "You don't look like you've gained any weight. I told you that I wanted to you to weight xxx by the time we came home." [Geez!] I'm clearly going to have to lie and I am not a very good liar. He won't believe me either so then I'll get caught lying and that will be even worse. Ugh, okay, I have a few weeks to figure this one out. The other problem is that I can't really be 100 percent honest with Charro about this because I am under what she wants me to weigh too, just by a pound or 2, but still, she'd fire me. I guess I can still discuss it with her though.

Why does this have to be so difficult?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I was on Oprah

Well, in my dream I was on Oprah and Good Morning America. It was quite strange. I was on Oprah because she was doing a show on eating disorders and I was one of three girls that were her guests. I was the "restricter" on the panel. I don't remember her ever getting to me (I was the third one in line) to talk to. I remember thinking how I didn't want to talk, so that was good. Then I was on GMA and there were 4 or 5 of us on that show. Again, I was the "restricter." Again, I also remember thinking how I didn't want to have to talk. This time I was also worried that someone I knew was going to see my on there because it's a national show (Not like Oprah isn't, but for some reason I thought more people were watching GMA). So, Chris C. (one of the anchors) came over to me and asked me a question, I think it was off air, but I remember not wanting to answer it. I don't really remember what else happened. I remember talking to Diane S. too. I know I had some sort of feeling that dream, I just can't remember what it was.

My sesh with Charro flew by tonight. I taped it but you can't hear anything. I guess that didn't work all that well. Oh well, I tried. Nothing really to report. I really didn't want to talk about Friday, but we did. I still can't convey to her how grossed out I am by her seeing my fat picture.

I'm sleepy. Idol is on.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Caught a mouse

I am home and sitting on my heater because it's cold in my house. I just turned the heat back on so it should be all warmed up by the time I get back from the gym.

I came home to find a mouse in one of the traps. It was sad and I had to get rid of it. :( Hopefully they're all gone now. I caught two.

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about my sesh with Charro tomorrow. I'm anxious about it because I want to talk about everything from Friday, but I don't at the same time because I know it will make me really uncomfortable. I also want to talk to her about my weekend with my Bugs and tell her about that.

So, she said that I can tape (audio) our seshs. I am going to bring my recorder tomorrow, but I started thinking about it, and I'm not so sure I want to relive our seshs. Sure, sometimes they are funny, but I don't want to hear all the other stuff that goes on. I just want to be able to remember stuff she says to me when I get home and am thinking about everything and then can't remember stuff. I think it will be good for me, but I'm not sure I want to hear it. I definitely don't want to hear MY voice. Ewww!! That's the worst.

Anyway, I have to get changed and head to the gym. I hate working out in the afternoon, but I've gotta do it. I'm sure I'll have lots to post about tomorrow night.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

My little guy and more on yesterday's sesh

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I had my oldest nephew last night. We had a good night. I wanted to take him to breakfast this morning but he just wanted to eat cereal. So, he had a little bowl of Fiber One. That kid doesn't eat anything. I tried to take him out to dinner last night but he didn't want to go. He said he wanted me to make him spaghetti, so I did. I thought that was cute because he said he like my spaghetti the best. I took him for ice cream after dinner.

So this morning I wanted to take him to the big candy store here too, and he didn't want to go. He just wanted to play games on my computer. He acted up a little and I had to yell at him. I felt bad. Oh, he kept calling me "mom" all night too, and a little bit today. I thought that was interesting. He's never done that before. I can tell that the situation at their house is affecting him. I think that's why he was acting up a bit, though he does tend to act the way he acted, so maybe it doesn't have anything to do with his home life.

My brother in law called this morning and said that my younger nephew wanted to come to the city too. So the two of them came in and we all went to lunch and then to the Museum of Natural History. The boys liked it. I'm exhausted. We came back to my apartment and then I took them all to the subway and they left. I really hope the little guy had a good time with me. He got mad at me a few times, and was mad at me when he left. I feel bad because he is very sensitive and is affected be things very easily. Poor little guy. It makes me so incredibly sad. My sis doesn't think that her messing up their marriage is affecting the boys, well, think again sis!!

As for my sesh with Charro yesterday, I emailed her when I got home because I was obsessing and she needed to hear what was going on in my head. She emailed me back and said that she was "very glad I checked in about this." (the stuff from yesterday). She said she would have my email ready on Tuesday so we could talk about everything, and that "We can call out the ED on all its lies." Should be a fun sesh. At least I get to go back the next day too. Um, there aren't really any "lies," I looked 7 months pregnant in that picture. YUCK! Makes me want to throw.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Horrible picture

I wish I didn't have to wait until Tuesday to see Charro now, because I have a ton of stuff on my mind. I decided to bring in the picture from Florida where I think I look 7 months pregnant. I didn't want to show it to her because I didn't want her to see my fatness. On the other hand, I thought it would be really helpful to discuss how I feel and stuff. So, with 5 minutes left (and she pointed that out to me) I brought up the picture. I finally showed it to her and now I'm obsessing over the fact that she has seen my fatness and it's completely driving me insane. I feel like I need to take another picture of my stomach and see how it comes out and bring that in. Oh wait, I just tried that and I hated the way I looked so I'm not doing that.

Okay, I realize that I'm probably sounding slightly (or more than slightly) insane right now. I do at least see that...sort of. I told her I was going to come home and have a psychotic episode. She gave me a sad look and I told her I was kidding, because I was. I just find that term to be incredibly humorous and need to fit it in whenever I can. Though, if I stayed in her office a bit longer she might actually think I was having a P.E. and do something about it. Really, I am okay, just HATING the fact that she's seen my fatness.

I did show her another picture, in which I like my stomach, and she goes "all I see is your chest." Um, I don't have a chest. I said "Well, I don't see it." LOL. It was me laying down in a bikini. I was like, "Forget about my chest for a minute, I like it because you can see my ribs." She said something about my chest looking "bodacious" which was absolutely hysterical because if I lay flat, I have NO boobs. Most of you guys know what I look like so I won't bother posting the picture that I like. I know you'd all want to see my "bodacious" chest, but alas, you must wait. ;) Ha!

Ugh, okay, I think I'm going to make lunch, head to the gym, and then I'm picking up my nephew because he's spending the night with me. YAY!

I also need to wash my blanket which had tons of cat puke on it when I got home this morning. Who ever did it also puked on my bedspread and floor. Poor kitty.

I wish the punching bags were up at the gym because I'd really love to do some punching.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Throw

Ugh, I feel disgustingly huge right now. Thank goodness I'm going to the gym in a few minutes. I hate this feeling. It blows.

I'm looking forward to Charro tomorrow. I plan on TALKING. I hope it happens. I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about but I will talk about something. We'll figure it out together.

I'm getting my oldest nephew tomorrow afternoon to have overnight. I'm so excited. I can't wait to spoil him. My sis says he's "acting up." Geez, I'm sure it has nothing to do with what's going on in their house with their marriage. WAKE UP SIS!!! Idiot!!

I need to burn 30000 calories tonight. Sometimes I wish I could just puke. I guess that thought might have just crossed my mind that I wanted to do that which is why, I guess, I wrote it.

There is the grossest food smell coming in from outside too.

Last night I said that something made me want to "throw." (like throw up, but I just say "throw.") And Charro said, "You're making a lot of pottery lately. When are you going to bring some in?" Ha, it was pretty funny. She hates when I say "throw." I've said that since high school. When something grosses me out I say that it makes me want to throw. I think it's funny. Too bad I don't "throw" pottery.

So good, yet I suck (at talking)

I hate, hate, hate that I don't talk when I'm with Charro. I mean, I talk, but most of it is about nothing. Don't get me wrong, I don't completely waste my 50 minutes, but I want to be able to go in there and just talk for 50 minutes straight, and I'm not sure why that's so difficult for me. It pisses me off that I can't do that. This was Charro's suggestion last night: She said that I should get a Dictaphone (well, I have a mini tape recorder from my radio days) and talk into it and then bring it in and play it so we could pick up from where I left off on the tape. It's not a bad idea but I would feel stupid talking into it even though no one would see me, and I HATE hearing my voice when it's recorded. It horrible.

I'm hoping tomorrow that I will talk a lot. I usually do on Fridays and then I hate that I have to wait until Tuesday night to talk to her again. I wish I could figure something out. I told her that she should get me drunk. Though, I've never been drunk so who knows if I'd talk. Then I said that maybe I should have some caffeine before I go. That might help.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

WHAT?

Okay, so out of no where Charro asks me this, "How did your breast feeding go?" My reaction...I looked down at my chest and said "WHAT?" (As I looked very confused because I was thinking I've never breastfed. I don't even have kids.) She goes, maybe I phrased that wrong. (Um, yeah) What she meant was, how did I do breastfeeding off of my mother. I said, "I don't know!!" Then she goes, "Maybe we should ask her." I said, "Who's we? You're gonna ask her?" She said, "Yes." I said, "What, do you want me to call her right now so you can ask her?" She obvi said no to that. Then she said, "Do you know if you were breastfed or bottle fed?" I said, "I don't know, I've never discussed it." My reaction to the initial question was classic though.

I later asked her what she would do if I was having a "psychotic episode." She said, "I'd take you to the hospital." I said, "Well it's a good thing I've never had one."

More tomorrow with Charro.

Oh, I thought of more. As far as my "fine" answer goes, Charro said that just makes her think I'm not "fine" when I say that I'm "fine." I said, "I guess I better stop saying that I'm fine then so that way you will think I'm fine."

Monday, March 09, 2009

This was interesting

I met this couple when I was in Florida in January. They were there for the week. Well, they happened to be there again when I was there last week. We chatted a lot at the pool. The woman kept telling me how perfect I would be for her son, if we didn't live in different states. We kept in touch via email and her son contacted me last night for the first time. He had all nice things to say about me, from which he heard from his mom and step father, but I thought his email was interesting, especially since he is a school counselor. Here's what he had to say:

Hey, Nice to hear from you! I'm really interested to know who you are and what you do. My mom and R. came home from their trip and made you out to be Gods gift to the world... Something along the lines of you are smart, funny, you have a great relationship with your parents and that you have absolutely no fat on your body whatsoever (good job!) This is all true? I don't believe it! I'm sure there is something wrong with you :) Anyway, I'd love to hear from you again. Let me know when you have time to talk (or we can continue to do the facebook message thing for awhile if our schedules don't coincide.)

Well, let's just say that his mom and R. were completely correct, I am God's gift to the world. HAHA!! Just kidding. I thought the "no fat on your body" part was interesting. It made me feel good that they think that, and sort of makes me question how I see myself. I just thought it was interesting that he threw that in there. I have to say, my response to his email was pretty funny and sarcastic. Hope it made him laugh.

I am freaking tired. Going over my friend D's house to watch DWTS tonight. She's my old talking person, but not a real T. I don't really know what you call her. Whatever, it's a bit bizarre (what she does) but we're friends. She still has time to cancel, which she usually does.

Charro tomorrow. (I just wanted to say that b/c I like the rhyme).

Sunday, March 08, 2009

I know

Yes, I know I'm disordered, but I'm really not that disordered. I don't feel the need to give examples, especially since I'll have to discuss them with Charro on Tuesday...if she remembers where we left off on Friday...which usually doesn't happen.

I don't know why I went into a "I need to lose weight and get skinny" mode a few weeks ago. Nothing "triggered" it. I hate that saying. Ok, now that I think about it, it was probably the fact that I gained a pound. So, the situation as continued and I still feel fat and gross and need to lose weight. It's kind of weird, I don't feel like numbers wise I need to lose weight, just body wise. I am ok with the number, just not okay with how I look. I don't know if that makes sense. I have to remember to tell Charro that one on Tuesday. I wish I could remember what she said to me that freaked me out so much on Friday. Hmm, I don't think she'd even remember because I wouldn't know what to say to remind her and jog her memory. Oh well.

I'm hoping we'll have a good sesh on Tuesday. I always hope we have a good sesh, but I hope we can get back to where we left off. But for now, I just want to get skinny.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Again with the P.E.

I am gonna cry, I just wrote a whole fucking post and then I clicked out of it by accident and it chose THIS time NOT to save. Fuckers.

Ugh...

I went to see Charro at 8 this morning and was there until 9:40. (planned). At 8:30 I said to her "I'm going to leave, I don't have anything to talk about." She said "Are you serious?" I said, "No, but I don't have anything to talk about." She said, "I suspect that you do."

I told her how I thought I was fat and gross and about the picture of my dad and me on the beach that showed my fat stomach that made me look pregnant. She said, "I know you know that you are not 'fat and gross,' don't you?" I was like "No, I think I am fat and gross." She said, "If you're going to have a psychotic episode you need to let me know." I thought to myself, Does one really know when one is going to have a psychotic episode? I said, "Could you please define what a psychotic episode is?" She said, "There are many definitions, but..." (Don't know what she said after that). I don't really think I am having a psychotic episode but she apparently thinks I might be. She was like "I'm serious, it sounds like you have body dysmorphia..." (and she said something really serious that I wish I could remember, and I was like "oh no, I'm fine"). I wish I could remember what she said, but if freaked me out a bit and I was just like, "I'm fine." It was definitely related to how I view my body and her believing I was/am having some kind of serious issue.

Anyway, the end of the sesh ended with Charro saying, "In my experience, and I think I've said this before, usually the people who are deepest in their eating disorder have the worst body image." I said, "What does that mean for me?" She started to explain it and I was like, "No, no, I know what you mean, but what does that mean for me." Then she wanted me to think about why I don't think I am in that category and that we'd talk about it on Tuesday. I said, "I have a response now, I just hope I can remember it for Tuesday."

My answer:

I eat.

I'm not stick thin and don't look sick.

That's all for now. She had a big issue with the fact that I kept saying that I want my stomach to be "concave." She said that's "Not healthy and not attractive."

I think that's all for now. Maybe more to come later.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

I'm complaining so you might want to skip reading

I'm looking and feeling so incredibly fat and I hate it. I hate that I look huge. I can't take it. The whole time I was teaching aerobics tonight I was thinking about how fat I looked and felt. The feeling was so intense that I wanted to just blurt it out in class, though there was only one person in there so it wouldn't have been that big of a deal, BUT I must not be negative about my body or anyone else's body when I teach. I am there to promote good health so I have to be a positive role model.

I guess I don't really have much to say, I just want to be skinny.

Maybe I'll have something to talk to Charro about tomorrow. I don't know.

That's the end of that

Okay, it's 28 degrees here but it's going to be 65 on Sunday, so I am totally laying out. Woo hoo. I was SOOOOOO SAD yesterday because there was NO sun and I needed it to "turn a corner." SOOO BUMMED. I am addicted to the sun, seriously.

I got an email from the guy I went out with twice before I left. I guess there won't be a date number three because he said that he doesn't feel like we have the chemistry to make a relationship work, or something like that. I didn't expect that because when we left each other on our last date he talked about getting together again. Weird, but whatever. It's ok. I hadn't developed any attachments yet. I would have liked to have gone out with him again, but it's ok.

I have a double with Charro tomorrow and I really don't think I need it. I shouldn't have scheduled that. What the heck am I gonna talk about for 100 minutes. Great, this should be thrilling.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Hate this puter

I'm back. Nothing to report. It was nice to get away from everything, including the computer. It's nice to be home with my kitties.

My puter is being F'd up so I'm not writing anymore.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Brrrrr

Gonna be a cold run on the beach this morning. It's only 40 degrees. Yuck. Better than -3 degrees, which is what it is at home.

Monday, March 02, 2009

That's attractive

I took a picture of my dad and me at the beach today, with this beautiful background. I set my camera on the ledge and took a picture. I didn't put my shirt on because I wanted to see what my stomach looks like to other people. Well, it is NOT good. I look pregnant and it's disgusting. At least I can crop the picture, but what the hell am I going to do about just wearing a bathing suit? Everyone is going to see my fat stomach. Everyone IS seeing my fat stomach. At least most of the people are old so maybe they can't see that well. It's so gross.

I had a great run on the beach yesterday morning and plan on doing another one tomorrow morning. Yay!! I must, I must, I must run and cut out my intestines or something so my stomach is concave. Oh wait, it's not my intestines that are making my stomach big. Blah!

My mom and I went shopping this afternoon too. I tried on jeans that I'm not sure about. She said they make me look "super skinny" but I think my legs are HUGE in them. Why do I hate my body so much? I wouldn't hate it if I was skinny. I just need to get skinny and then I will like it. YUCK!

The weather is nice. It was a bit cold today, but I braved it and laid out. It got warmer towards the end of the day. Now if I can just get skinny I'd be all set.