Saturday, February 28, 2009

Back in the South

I woke up at 3 this morning, not because I had to, but because I had a dream an alligator was about to attack me and I was stuck in the sand. That's now why I couldn't fall back to sleep, but I couldn't fall back to sleep. I had to get up at 5 to get to the airport and was probably worried I was going to oversleep.

My little Squish is being so cute. I had to put her lampshade on because she is licking her leg so much. She came and slept on my head the past two nights. She puts her head on my head and her paws on my head and it is just so adorable. I felt so bad leaving them this morning.

I spent all day at the pool and then walked on the beach for a little bit and collected shells.

I got the sweetest email from Charro. I had sent her a few pictures of my cats because we were talking about something to do with my cats in their cat house and she didn't know what a cat house was. I told her I'd send her pictures. So I did and this is how she responded.

"They are so cute! I must say that Buggles is VERY handsome and looks like a very nice cat. But my favorite is Squish stretching out of her house - adorable! Have a great time and turn a corner."

(I changed their names to protect their identity.)

I thought the "Turn a corner" was hysterical!! It made me feel so good that she emailed me because she didn't have to do that.

I plan on going for a long run on the beach while my parents are at church tomorrow. Then, I will lay out. I should check the forecast.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Bye bye, "Carmine"

I told Charro what I was thinking about as of late, this morning. It was hard for me, and I'm not sure why saying, "The answer to your question that you would ask after I say what I'm going to say is,'I don't know.' So I'll say I don't know why I've been so Carmine-esk lately." That took me about 7 days to get out and say. I'm not quite sure why, maybe because I was admitting to the fact that I've been quite disordered over the past week.

Charro decided that she is no longer going to "talk to my eating disorder," that she will only talk to me. She said, "'Carmine' sounds too nice. It reminds me of 'Laverne and Shirley.' (which is what she always says.) I think it downplays what it really is so from now on I'm just going to say your eating disorder, no your Big Ole Anorexia." She then said, "How's that? I'm only drinking ginger tea too!" Ha. I told her that I like it when she "gets mean." I like when she gets down to business...sometimes.

So I leave early tomorrow morning. I won't see Charro until next Friday. It will be fine. Maybe I'll figure some things out while I'm laying on the beach, who knows. Tomorrow I will be "on my own," as my mom likes to put it, because she and my dad have plans. She feels really badly about that but I'm okay because I just want to go to the beach and pool anyway. Now I won't feel bad doing that because they don't like the beach. I won't feel like I have to be spending time with them because they'll be doing something.

I need to pack and clean before I go. It's so nice out here today. It's 60 degrees and Sunday it's going to snow. What's up with that?? Weird. I am SO DONE with winter!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ranting about my fatness

Ugh, seriously why am I gaining weight? This is not cool, not cool at all and it needs to go away. I am now at my "acceptable weight" for Charro and I don't like it. The worst part is, if it doesn't get fixed before I leave Saturday morning, is that I will feel like I have no control over it because I won't have my scale to know what's going on. I hate that. This is when I need my scale the most, when I get fatter. I feel fat and I look like I've gained weight and I don't like it. Okay, I can step outside of Carmine, or "check in with myself" as Charro would say and see that no one else can tell that I've gained a pound or maybe two. But, I CAN and that's all I care about for the time being. Oh no, that's wrong, I do care if other people can tell too. I just want to go back to the weight I was at, even though I'm not supposed to be at that weight. I liked it better.

Blah, I hate this. I better remember all of this crap tomorrow morning at 9 AM when I see Charro. The problem is that I won't want to talk to her about it. I hate to. I wish it was easier for me to do. I hate that.

I have to get ready to teach aerobics soon. I am not hungry and I don't want to eat dinner but I probably should. I can't wait until 8 PM to eat. I wish I never needed food.

(Add on)

Yes, I am well aware that I've been quite disordered over the past week. No, I don't know what sparked it, perhaps the one pound weight gain that I don't really know if it was real. I just decided that I'll weigh myself at the gym tonight to see how much I really weigh, though I did just eat a big dinner.

WTF...I hate this.

My day today

My day thus far has consisted of a walk to the west side, across the park, to teach an aerobics class. The youngest person in class is apparently 57 years old. It was a challenge for me but I had a blast teaching them. Then I walked back to my place.

In a little bit I am going ice skating in Central Park, so I'll be walking another 3 miles and then skating. Tonight, I will walk another 2 miles to teach another aerobics class.

So, I'll be walking about 7 or 8 miles today, unless I end up taking the subway or something, which I might do after ice skating, come to think of it. I need to burn a ton of calories today so this activity is a good thing.

Beach on Saturday. Body I'm not happy with now.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wasted time

I totally wasted my time with Charro tonight. I didn't do it on purpose, I just wasn't talking and I don't know why. She asked me what I was avoiding and I said "nothing."

I got hives on my arm during our sesh. She asked if they were from her. I said no. I've been getting them the past few days. I woke up last night and my leg was so itchy and then I had them on my back today too. WTF? I am so itchy right now. I don't know what's going on.

Charro wanted me to talk. She looked bored. I wanted to talk and I told her that I was going to be pissed at myself when I left because I didn't talk about anything. I don't know how I can go from talking about stuff last night to talking about nothing tonight. That's so frustrating for me. I hate wasting her time and mine. I don't know why I can't just talk!! I'm sure she's wondering the same thing.

I don't know why I'm still awake, it's after 11. I have to do some serious thinking before my Friday sesh. I don't want to waste more time.

Hairballs, broken glass and other stuff

Why am I trying to blog while my cat's head is resting on my left hand? She's sleeping on my lap and her butt is on my right arm and her head is on my left hand. It's really very cute. I think I am disturbing her.

My morning is not off to a great start. My other cat woke me up while he was hacking up a hairball. About 3 minutes after that he knocked over my jar of shells and there was/is glass everywhere. My vacuum doesn't suck (which means that it essentially sucks) so I don't think I got all the pieces up. I just hope they don't get any little pieces of glass in their paws.

My sesh with Charro was pretty good last night. She said that it seemed like there was something that I wanted to say but wasn't saying it. I don't think that was the case but I don't know. We talked about a lot of things and I feel like there were a lot of hardcore things said. I told her about the scale discrepancies. She asked what the difference was and I said about 3 pounds. I told her how I woke up hungry at 4 AM the other day and she asked what time I had dinner. I told her that I didn't think I really had dinner that night. She could clearly see that "Carmine" was making a comeback (not that "carmine" was gone). She said, "Why is "Carmine" coming on so strong right now?" I didn't have an answer. Those weren't her exact words but something like that.

After Charro I had a date. We went to a movie and I kept flashing back to my sesh during the movie. I had a nice time on my date. There will be a date number three...at least I think there will be. :)

Hopefully I can pick up where I left off with Charro last night, tonight.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Charro and date # 2

I'm off to Charro and then onto date number two with the guy from last week. :) I feel like I don't have anything to talk to Charro about today. I need my "warm up" time.

I ate dinner at 4 PM, she'll love that. Oh well, I had to eat then or I wasn't going to eat at all.

I'm not wearing anything special for my date, but we're just going to the movies. No make-up, a sweater and jeans. I rarely wear make-up and I wore it last week when I met him so if we're going to continue onto a third date, he has to know that I am low maintenance and don't wear make-up. I am, however, wearing TOE SOCKS!!!! (I have to scream that when I say it). I'm gonna look like one hot mama standing in front of the movie theatre wearing 74 layers and my pink hat. :) Yay!

Maybe I'll tell him that I just came from my therapy appointment because I have an eating disorder. :) He's a doctor, he'll figure it out sooner or later. ;) Ha, like "therapy" and "eating disorder" would ever come out of my mouth!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oh numbers

I don't know why I drive myself insane with scales so much. Actually, I'm not really driving myself crazy over this, but I'm curious, I want to know which one is right. I came home (house) today and just weighed myself. Besides breaking my once a day rule today (for the 3rd time in 4 days) I weighed 2.4 pounds less than I did this morning. So, I really want to know which scale is correct!!! I should have gotten on and off this one a few times to see if it changed at all, but I only weighed myself twice on it. I just want to know what the right number is, is that too much to ask? I think this one is wrong though, though it's always been right in the past (minus two weeks ago). I'm obsessing a little in this post, but I'm not in real life...okay, just a little.

My feet are freezing.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Eh, it happens

I thought I'd continue my disordered behavior last night and watch "For the Love of Nancy." I'm a big fan of Growing Pains, which starred Tracey Gold, and she starred in this movie. Well, if you're reading this blog you know what the movie is about, which is also why I really like that movie. The only thing that bothers me is the end because it's so unrealistic. Oh well, can't be perfect.

I woke up at 4 this morning and was awake until after 6 AM. I was hungry, probably because I didn't really have any meals (besides breakfast) yesterday. I was going to get up and have a piece of raisin bread but my cat was sleeping on my chest and I didn't want to disturb her. My other cat was sleeping on my left arm. They were too cute, I couldn't get up.

So here I am. I have to teach aerobics this morning and then do some cooking for a little party my friend and I are having tonight. Yay. I told Charro I don't want to eat at it because I don't like eating in front of people because I feel like they're going to look at me and think that I shouldn't be eating. The anorexic girl who is going to be there doesn't help matters any either. But, I discussed that in a post a few days ago so I don't need to write about it again, even though it's on my mind.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Enough of that

I've decided that I'm going to weigh myself when I want to because this once a day thing ain't working for me. I gained a pound, or a little more so it's time to start weighing myself a little more again. No harm done. I'm sure Charro won't be so happy with that but that's the way it's going to be for a little while until I figure something out.

In other news, I can't find my smelly things from Yankee Candle. I don't know where I would have put them. One would think I would have put them with the tea light candles, but apparently I have not. The only place they could be is packed away with all my Christmas stuff, and I'm not about to pull that huge thing down and check. So alas, I will have to go to the outlets and buy some more. I need new sneakers anyway and Nike is right next to it.


**EDIT**
(Since I already blew the weighing thing for the day, I decided to just keep on weighing myself. Afterall, I have to see how much I weigh so I know what/if I can or can't eat).

Friday, February 20, 2009

So cold and windy, but I'm "warming up"

I had a good sesh with Charro this morning. She said that I "warm up" during the week. I guess by Friday I tend to do a lot more talking or something.

I got there like 15 minutes early this morning. I have to get on the subway before a certain time if I stand any chance of getting on a subway in time to get there on time. They get so packed around 8:30 that you can't even get on a subway and you just have to stand there and wait. Luckily Charro was there and buzzed me in. I sat there and did my sudoko puzzles while I waited. It's freaking cold out too. The wind is horrible.

I figured something out this morning. I was talking about how I don't like to eat in front of people I don't know because I feel like they're going to look at me and think she doesn't need to be eating or she shouldn't be eating. I guess it sort of applies to people I know too, sometimes. Like if I'm at a party or something. People expect me to not eat, therefore I feel like I shouldn't be eating, or will eat less than I really want to eat because I feel like I shouldn't be eating. I feel like people will think I'm too big to be eating. I don't know why I think that because I don't look at other people and think that. I definitely notice what/how much people eat if they are really skinny, because I wonder how they can eat and still be skinny. That's really the only time I pay attention to what people are eating. I'm too worried about myself to care about others' food intake.

Charro wanted to know why I don't feel like I should eat. Where that comes from. I don't have an answer. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm expected not to eat so I shouldn't eat. That's all I've got for now. I told her I tend to do most of my thinking on Fridays when I leave there, so maybe I'll come up with something.

I definitely need a nap today, and I need to go to the gym. That will be my day in a nutshell. I need to do some work too. Oh, Charro wants to have guacamole and chips someday. I said, "How much" and she said "A serving." I said, "Okay, that 7 chips, I can do that." I tried to change it to hot salsa but she didn't go for that.

OH YEAH...

So I was bored the other night and had a jewelery box near by, so I printed up a bunch of "G's" in different sizes and put them in the box. I handed the box to Charro this morning and asked her to open in. I said "Don't worry, there aren't any snakes in there or anything." She said, "I'm scared." I told her not to be scared. She opened it up and I told her to take the cotton stuff off and she did and she started cracking up. She said they're G's in a box. I said, "yes!" I said, "you can throw it out now. " She said "I love it!! Can I keep it? It makes me happy." I said, "Sure, if you really want it you can have it." Glad I could make her happy with a little [GEEZ]. I thought it was funny that she wanted to keep it. What's she gonna do with it? I wonder if she'll bring it home to her husband and say "look what one of my patients made," and explain the meaning behind it. Ha!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Breaking the cycle

I think I need to weigh myself. I've only weighed myself once a day since before I left for Florida. I think I need to break that little cycle for the day. It won't cause any harm and it doesn't mean anything, I just need to do it.

I slept for about an hour today. I'm going to take some cold meds before going to the gym. I need to work my ass off and I don't think I will be doing that, but I'm gonna try. We shall see. I can feel the pounds packing on. I just feel gross, that's all.

Okay, I'm gonna change and weigh myself, and not be happy with the number, I'm sure.

Sucked it all out

This cold has sucked out all of my energy. It's not even a bad cold. I just have a stuffy nose, but I'm so tired. I slept for an hour and a half yesterday afternoon, woke up and went to Charro, and then slept for another 9 hours. I'm still tired. What's up with that? I planned on working out before teaching my class tonight, but we'll see how that goes, I might have to just ride the bike or something. This is killing my workout regiment. Yuckers. I might need to take a nap. I do need to do some work too, I guess.

I feel like I'm sitting around, eating and gaining weight. Not a good thing. I need to get my ass back in gear, and fast.

Charro said something about having a meal, last night. She was like "Then let's have a meal." I don't know if she meant the two of us or just me. I think she meant just me. I don't know how to have a meal. If my mom cooks I can have a meal, but I am not cooking a meal for myself. That's stupid.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Sudafed head

I couldn't think of what it was that I wanted to say to Charro last night. She said "was it a joke or serious." I said, "No, it was really serious and it bothers me that I can't think of it." Oh well, she said that it would come to me eventually. I told her that I must have "Sudafed head."

I can't breathe through my nose and it's driving me insane. I can't decide if I'm hungry or not either. I don't think I am, but I didn't really eat dinner so I feel like I should eat something, though now it's too late and I don't want anything really anyway.

Back to tonight's sesh...Charro came out to get me and said "Oooh coconut." I don't know how she can always smell my lotion. I told her I thought I was boring her because I didn't have anything to say. By the end of the sesh I was talking quite a bit and could have kept going. I said "This is stupid." She asked what was stupid and I said, "this...not being able to eat like a normal person. It's not like it's a hard thing to do, I don't know why I can't do it." She thought that thought was a step in the right direction. She said that food scares me and it's very scary for me and wanted to know what "fat" really means to me. I didn't have an answer for that. I still don't. I said, "It does scare me. You're right." The whole thing is just hard. I hope to continue that conversation on Friday morning, or something along those lines.

Sesh and date

My sesh with Charro was good last night. I thought of something really good to say as I was putting my boots back on but I forgot it. It was so good too and I can't remember what it was. It's frustrating.

Charro kept saying that I seemed angry or something last night. I wasn't. I guess I was a little feisty, but I don't know why. At one point she said, "Say something mean about me." I sat there and was like "I don't have anything mean to say. You need to give me more warning so I can think of something."

I am too tired to think right now. I just want to sleep all day, and take cold meds.

My date was good. I met up with the guy at 7:30 and when I looked at my watch it was 10 PM. That's a good sign, right? I think I will see him again. There wasn't any immediate sparks, but it's definitely worth a second date.

Charro again tonight. Hopefully I will think of what I wanted to say to her last night by then.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Same

I've been the same exact weight for the past 4 mornings in a row. Seriously, that has never happened before. What's up with that?? Interesting. I'm not really sure what that means.

I need a nap and the ability to breath out of my right nostril.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Dinner, a cold, and a date

I actually made dinner tonight and I'm not even hungry so I don't want it. I had a good sized lunch though, so it's ok.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that's all eating disordered talk...blah, blah, blah, but I'm not hungry so I don't need to eat.

I am getting a cold too. I hope I can nip it in the bud so it doesn't get too bad. I have a blind date tomorrow now so I don't want to be all gross with bougs flowing out of my nostrils. Yummy. I think he's a doctor though, so it might work. :) I'm seeing him after I see Charro.

Oh Charro...what in the world will we discuss tomorrow. Maybe the pizza-sized bagel with 15 pounds of cream cheese that she made me eat on Friday. Seriously, if you dropped that thing off a roof it would have killed someone. Maybe I'll tell her that tomorrow.

I need to go to bed early tonight. Oh wait, I can't, The Closer is on. I love that show. Yeah!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The need to know

I started to freak out about my weight last night and I really wanted to weigh myself. I felt gross and like I had gained weight. I felt like I ate too much food at the dinner party I was at, actually, I still feel like I ate a lot of food, too much perhaps, but it was all healthy. I ate mostly veggies, and all healthy stuff, minus the few chocolate covered strawberries, but those didn't bother me because they're fruit. I just felt like I ate a lot because I ate a lot of different things. So, I really wanted to weigh myself but I didn't.

I hate that feeling of being out of control. I don't even know if that's the feeling or not. I just hate not knowing if I'm okay. I need to check with the scale to see where I stand. I can't really explain it, but I hate not knowing if I gained weight or not. The mere act of weighing myself and finding out the number is what I need to calm me down. I can't not know if I gained weight, it freaks me out.

I need to go to bed. I'm sleepy.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Meals with people I don't know

I thought about writing my parents a letter telling them a little bit about my situation. Then I realized that they read my blog and they know my situation so I don't have to tell them anything. It was a passing thought as I was going to sleep last night.

I went to a brunch with a bunch of people I don't know today. I got there and there was some mini hash brown things, quiche, croissants and apple french toast. I freaked a little bit and wondered how the hell I was going to manage this one. So I took a little piece of french toast. The girl that I went with just cut some off and that meant that I didn't have to take a whole one either. She paved the way for me. So I cut a little piece off and then grabbed 2 little hash brown things. I wasn't really happy with having to eat this stuff, but I had no choice and I didn't take much. I wondered if it looked weird. I guess I don't really care because I'll never see any of those people again.

Tonight I'm going to a potluck dinner with a bunch of people I don't know. More food that I have no idea about and people I don't know that I have to eat in front of, or pretend to eat in front of if there's nothing I really will eat. Oh the cons of an eating disorder. Oh I guess it's better than avoiding the situations all together. I'll put myself out there, I don't care. At least I'm not a hermit. I made a cake. :)

Charro is starting to push the "we really need to get past the food and get to the deeper issues here" thing. I'm not sure how that works.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Stuff I forgot

Continuation from my earlier post...

I told Charro about the weight/scale stuff from the other day. I tried to tell the story without using numbers but I could see that she wasn't really getting it so I had to throw out the numbers. I don't think she freaked, but then again, I did tell her that they were wrong. I also told her that I'm not willing to gain weight right now. I said, "I'm not trying to gain weight, but if I gained a pound or two, I don't think I'd freak out." She said that that is a good start.

So I think I got everything out that I wanted to talk to her about.

After Charro I went to the gym. I had a lot of anger to get out (not because of the bagel) so I threw on some boxing gloves and went to town on the bag. Man, it felt so good. I punched continuously for at least 15 minutes. I have a feeling that I won't be able to move my arms tomorrow. I broke blood vessels in between my fingers. My arms and hands were shaking like crazy when I left the gym. It was a good thing I did my cardio before that. I think I might need to invest in a punching bag and some gloves because I seem to have a ton of anger inside me lately.

I'm feeling like I've gained weight today, and I don't think it's from my bagel. I had cucumber rolls and steamed veggie dumplings for dinner, so I think it has something to do with the salt. I so want to weigh myself right now.

One of my friends from one of my old jobs came into the city to shop, so we got to hang out. I haven't seen her in a while and I'm shocked that she got in touch with me. We had a great time though. We get so silly drunk when we're together. We're nuts and she was completely sleep deprived which made her even nuttier. We went shopping and I tried on these awful MC Hammer pants. They were hysterical. Seriously, I have NO idea who would ever wear them. Maybe I'll post the picture when she puts it up and I can get it. I look quite busty in the picture too, which is funny. Maybe I should say that I look like I have boobs. Ha!

I think I need to go to bed.

The Bagel

Okay, so Charro brought me a wheat bagel that was the size of a freaking piece of pizza. It was huge and it had about 10 pounds of cream cheese on it. Seriously, who can eat that? I walked in and the first thing she said was "okay, let's eat." Geez, let's not waste anytime. She handed me the lead weight and I was like "I'm not eating this whole thing." She was like "Yes you are." I didn't even enjoy it. I was way too nervous to enjoy it. Why does she like food so much? Whatever, I wasn't eating fast enough for her and I didn't finish it. I left one quarter of it. I said, "I'm done. I'm not eating anymore." She asked why and I said I was full and that I would have stopped after the first 1/4 of it because I was full. I hate eating with her. She said "give it to me, I'll throw it away." I said, "no, I'll take it home and eat it later. I'll have it for lunch." She gave me a look and I said "I'm kidding." Well, maybe kidding, maybe not. Let's face it, I've eaten more calories this morning than I usually eat total for breakfast and lunch.

I don't think that I am going to gain a million pounds from eating that, but I don't like to feel full. It's not comfortable. She says that people like to feel full, that babies are happy when they are full, etc.

I liked the double sesh. I had a lot to talk about. I am severely pissed at the situation with my sister and Charro can see how angry I am. SO ANGRY! We talked about a lot of things and it was good. I could have actually kept talking. Who knew I could talk for 100 minutes? Well, I guess it was less than that since it took me about 40 to eat the bagel.


I'm just a blah mood right now. My brain is thinking about a lot of things, and I'm still upset about this whole situation with my sister, which I clearly don't write much about on here because it gets me so fired up. It's all too complicated.

Anyway, I need to hit the gym and then I'm meeting up with a (sometimes) friend I used to work with. She's coming into the city to shop. She's a lot of fun when she's in her manic state.

Not looking forward to this breakfast

Ugh, I'm going to leave for Charro in a few minutes. I'm starving but I am nervous to eat with Charro. It is just so uncomfortable to sit there and eat with her. I know she's watching everything I do and it makes me so uncomfortable. It would be much easier to eat whatever the hell she's going to make me eat by myself, with no one watching me. I just hate how she'll make comments about how I'm eating and stuff. I can't wait til it's over. What if I have food in my teeth?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I really almost hate my sister. She makes me SO MAD!! I hope she loses her mind and has a breakdown or some sort.

Double trouble

I'm having a double sesh with Charro tomorrow. What if I don't have enough to talk about, though I don't think that will be a problem. I am not looking forward to this stupid breakfast either. I hate when she picks up the food because there's that completely awkward "how much do I owe you?" question that I have to ask. Last time she said "nothing" and I'm sure that will be the answer again, but I still feel really weird about the whole thing. Maybe that's something to talk about. I guess she feels it evens out because I often cook for us when we eat. It's still uncomfortable though.

I wonder what she's going to bring, a bagel or a muffin. Hmm, I don't know which is worse. I'd rather have a bagel because I've wanted one for so long and I hear NY bagels are really good, but I think that has more calories, especially since I have to have something on it, than a muffin has. I hate this all. Blah!!

I'm trying to clean out the nasties in my humidifier but I don't think it's working. It's so freaking windy out too. I might blow away later. Wind gusts are 60 mph. Seriously.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Still sick (not me)

So Charro just called and she's still sick so no Charro again tonight. I'm bummed because I actually have a lot of crap to talk to her about. (me being selfish). It seems like whenever I have a lot of stuff I actually want to talk about, she's sick or away. That came out wrong, not like I'm blaming her in anyway. I know it's not her fault she's sick, I'm just bummed.

Hmm, I just had an idea...maybe she doesn't have anyone after me on Friday and we could do a double sesh since Friday will be a stupid breakfast sesh and we won't really be talking anyway. Maybe I will email her and ask her. (Sent!) I'm sure it won't work out for her though. Blah.

This sucks. Now I don't even want to talk about all the stuff I was going to talk about because I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. We didn't get to discuss my breakfast fears either. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it.

Ugh, my cat just pooped and it stinks.

I laid out and got a little sun.

I knew it was a mistake

Okay, so I knew that the numbers I got yesterday were wrong. Now I feel like I don't need to mention any of it to Charro, though I probably still will. I don't think I'll get fired anymore, though I am still under our "agreed" weight for me. Oh well, it happens.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

An "oh shit" moment

I just got back to my apartment. Charro is sick and cancelled our sesh tonight. That allowed me to stay and see my nephews. I really hope she's better tomorrow.

I went to see people at another old job today. I'm trying to get back into the radio world so I stopped by to say hi to everyone. The first thing said to me by the secretary was "You lost a lot of weight." Okay, I'm getting it folks. I haven't seen her in a few years though. Yes, I have lost weight since all of these people have seen me, but it hasn't been like a million pounds. It's just that I am a small person so 5 pounds is a lot of weight.

Anyway, the rest of this is just something I need to document for myself, well, I guess this whole blog is actually. I hopped on the scale this morning and I had an "oh shit" moment. The number was very low, a number I've never seen before. I knew it had to be wrong so I stepped on it again and got the same number. I then tried to calibrate it and the number went up a bit, but it was still kind of low. The thing is, I don't know it was at all accurate so I'm not really that concerned by it. I will discuss this with Charro tomorrow because it's something I have to do, even if it results in me being fired. My point to her will be that I really don't know what I weigh. That scale, Bertha, says one thing and my scale here is a little bit different, so who's to say that either are right. There is the possibility that I actually weigh, 10 pounds more than I think I weigh, but I don't know because I just know what my scale is, and the number on my scale (not today b/c it scared me a little) makes me happy. I guess it kind of supports Charro's point of who really cares what the number is. I'm going to try to get that across to her tomorrow, somehow. I'm going to try and convey that my scale could be very wrong. I know my scale here will give me a higher reading tomorrow. I'm tempted to weigh myself now, just to sort of have a comparison and see if I really did lose weight. I am not trying to lose weight.

So, I broke my once a day weighing today, but it was something I needed to do to make sure I really didn't really lose that much weight. It was more of a positive thing than I negative one. It was an on off, on off type thing anyway, so it doesn't really count.

I really hope Charro feels better tomorrow.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Visiting an old job

I stopped by my old place of employment today. I left there 7 years ago, but still keep in contact with some of the people and stuff. So, I stopped by to see one of the peeps I worked with and was talking to everyone else. One of them said to me, "You got so skinny." I last saw this woman, I guess a year ago at their annual holiday party. My response was, "Well I walk everywhere and can't afford food." Which really isn't that far from the truth. I do walk everywhere in the city because I don't want to spend the money on public transportation, which I have been taking to Charro because it's been so freaking cold out, and I can't spend 8 million dollars on food. It's too freaking expensive. Charro would totally say that that is an "excuse," and she might be a little correct on that, but I really do hate spending money on those things and have no money to spend right now. I'm not sure she bought it though. (the woman I worked with.)

Sunday, February 08, 2009

One year later

For Polly We miss you...

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Reading my mind

Funny how much of what I've been thinking about showed up in your comments. (If my heater does not stop making this loud fucking noise, I'm going to jump off my balcony)

In short, I am not willing to gain weight. Enough said.

I'm also starting to freak out a little about the bagel/muffin breakfast on Friday. (See 2 posts below).

I can't believe anyone still reads this given the fact that I write the same things over and over again. I'd be done.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Not so sure it's possible

I'm starting to wonder about this whole "recovery" thing and if it's really possible. I just feel like it's not right now. Not that I'm going at this full speed ahead or anything, but I'm just not sure it would be something I could do, if and when I decide to. Maybe I'm just tired of it or something, I don't know. Maybe I'm just not caring right now. I don't know.

Charro is happy that I've only been weighing myself once a day and says that "that's really great." I don't think so, but whatever.


I worry about what my dad might say to me when I go back to Florida. At that point I'll have one month left to gain the 5 pounds he wants me to gain. That's so not going to happen and I don't know what he will or can do about it. Nothing really, I guess. It will definitely suck when he asks me how much I weigh and I have to flat out lie to him. I am such a bad liar too, by the way. He will see right through me. It will suck.

I had a couple people tell me I looked smaller yesterday. I was at the gym when they said it. It's uncomfortable. Charro always tells me that people can't notice 2-3 pounds, but I know they can and apparently they can! One lady came up to me and said, "You look skinny." Okay, random comment from some person whom I don't know to well. How does one respond to that? I said, "It's because I'm tan."


On another note, it's been one year, to the day, that Polly killed herself. The actually date was Feb. 8th but it was a Friday. I think about her quite a bit and smile everytime I look down at my palmtree keychain that says "friends" that she gave to me. I miss my P-Dawg.

(It's a two post Friday. I think I tend to do a lot of thinking of Fridays for some reason).

4 words

I am so tired and totally need to take a nap today. I am SO over this weather too. I thought I was going to die last night, it was so cold. I hate it!!

So, Charro this morning was fine. She calls me out on the face I make all the time and calls it my "You're right, but I don't like that" face. She says she can tell when she "hits a nerve" because I make that face. I've been working on my poker face but haven't quite mastered it yet....well, I'm not even close.

So today she muttered those four little words, "You have a problem." She then said, "I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't tell you that." Okay. I get it. She said I talk about food and stuff but we never talk about my life in the future, which she said she wants to talk about. Okay.

So the muffins have since been changed to "I'll either bring in muffins or a bagel. It will be a surprise." GREAT!! I can hardly wait. She asked me what I wanted on my bagel and I said "nothing." She said, "You have three choices: Peanut butter, cream cheese or nutella." I still like nothing but that isn't going to happen. I told her that I won't know what I want on it until that morning and I don't have a choice because she is picking up the food. She said, "You can email in the morning and tell me what you want," but that was before she decided she would surprise me with either muffins or a bagel. This was when I said that we should have bagels because I haven't had one since high school and I heard that New York bagels are really good. I asked her if she wanted me to pick it up and she said "Hell No!" It kind of just came out of her mouth and then said "Well that was professional." Ha!!

So, surprise breakfast on Friday. I really don't like surprises and this is one I definitely won't enjoy. Oh well. What I'd really like to eat, and occasionally crave, is a bagel with cream cheese, but I'd probably opt for peanut butter when I give her my choice. I'll get a wheat bagel too. She said "We'll see about that."

There is cat fur all over my keyboard.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Should have stayed in bed

I had such a bad day today. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. I missed my train home because I had to wait for 6 subways because they were all too crowded to get on. Too top it off, I missed my train by like 4 minutes. I ran into my roommate from college while I was at the train station.

I was supposed to meet some colleagues for lunch but that got all screwed up because I was late and then something came up at the office, well, not so much at the office but with my boss.

I got to my house, which I am taking care of until April, and found mouse shit everywhere in the kitchen closet. So I had to clean everything out and get mouse traps and crap. My neighbor came over to set them for me.

My garage door got all messed up as I was leaving for my hair appt. At least my hair came out good.

Then I went to Wal-Mart and ran into 2 people I haven't seen in a while. That was good. One said that my face looked "chiseled" and asked me what I was doing. I said, "Well, I don't really know how you work out your face so I guess I'm doing nothing. ;)

That was it, the abrubt version. I think I'll go play my drums.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The muffins are coming

A muffin date has been set...next Friday. She (Charro) is picking them up and I'm not allowed to know anything. Then, on top of the muffins, she said "We should have hot chocolate too. You said you wanted it." Um, NO WAY!!! She said something about me needing to push the boundaries or something like that, my response was "Um, I think we're pushing them enough with the muffins!?"

She kept telling me that the muffins are "homemade." I said, "Are you making them?" She said no and I said, "Then they are NOT homemade. They are STORE made." I told her I'd only eat them if she made them, but that's not going to happen. I tried. Stupid muffins!!


I need to go make some caramel coated chocolate covered pretzels. Blah. I had so much more I need to write but got side tracked.

She said something about me looking like an eleven year old. I said, "So you think I look like an eleven year old?" She said no to that but part of me doesn't buy it. At least she didn't say I looked like an 11 year old boy...I don't think.


There was slight boob discussion again, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. She said "You're meant to have curves" and did a hand gesture thing. I said, "I can't help if if I don't have anything up there." She's like "I wasn't doing that with my hands." None of that helps you guys because I can't show you what gestures I'm talking about. Besides, she probably has enough up there for the both of us. Seriously, I'm so done with boob talk.

I left there thinking a lot but I'm not really sure what I was thinking about. Maybe I'll go to bed now.

Monday, February 02, 2009

This commercial cracks me up!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr7N4t91qMs&feature=related

Today's sesh

Charro said I was quite happy this morning. Okay, she might have used the word "chipper," I can't really remember.

I told her that I don't like this not weighing myself at night thing and I complained about it for a bit. She said I need to do it for a month and come up with another "ritual" to take it's place. I said, "I'll do push-ups" and I got a look from her. She suggested doing some stretches and I was like "Yeah, that's not going to happen." She though I needed a few minutes of time to fill and I was like, "you know how long it takes me to weigh myself? Three seconds." She was like "But then you get off and on again a bunch of times." I said, "No I don't." She was like "Really? You mean to tell me that you've only been getting on the scale ONCE a day and that's it." I said yes. She was very proud of me for that I guess. I told her I deserved something for that. Ha!

New topic: She went on to talk about the developmental/teenage years and how it's a "weird" time, especially for girls. She said that she was at a concert the other night and there were kids in it and she noticed that some of the girls were "starting to develop breasts." Then she said "Not that I was checking them out or anything, I just noticed." She was like "you start developing breasts and it's like when do you start to wear a bra." I was thinking, okay, enough of that talk because it just makes me uncomfortable, but she continued. We finally got off the topic somehow, thank God.

I don't know where I was going with any of this. I've been side tracked. I guess it was a good sesh. I'll see her again tomorrow night. Hopefully we won't discuss boobs again. I did say, during that discussion, "I never did develop any." LOL!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

TV marathons

I'm quite excited because there is a "The Closer" marathon on tv tonight. I guess it's been on all day, but I missed it. I turned it on around 6 PM. I love this show and I haven't seen any of these episodes because it was before I started watching it. Yay! Everyone else is watching the Superbowl and I'm watching this. The only Superbowl I had was my lentil soup. Ha ha!

I'm sleepy so I will probably go to bed soon. I keep waking up really early and I don't know why. I think I woke up early yesterday and today because I wanted to weigh myself. I was waking up early when I was away, but I'm not really sure why. Who cares, I did nothing all day but lay out so it was all good.

I have Charro in the morning. Charro tomorrow!! I still love saying that.

I think I'm going to head back to Florida at the end of the month. I found a cheap flight. More sun for me!! :) Yay!! I'll already have a base tan too, which makes it so much better.