Saturday, January 31, 2009

Already caving?

I told Charro that I'd only weigh myself once a day, or at least try it. It's only 8:30 AM and I already want to weigh myself more. I mean, not right now, but later on in the day I will want to weigh myself because I wasn't happy with the number this morning. I mean, it was still okay, but it could be better. I don't know what the issue is, I'm still under what I'm "supposed" to be, but not as under as I was before.

I have to eat a big dinner tonight too. Well, I guess it's not a big dinner, but I have to go out to dinner with some people, one of which is a former ED person and I don't want her to pick up on me in anyway, though I'm sure she has already in the past. I don't want them all to drive home and be talking about me. I haven't seen this girl in a year and I might weigh a little less than when she last saw me and I don't want her to notice. I think I'm just being paranoid and she won't notice. Why do I care?

I need to get dressed.

Friday, January 30, 2009

2 out of 3 ain't bad

I saw Charro this morning. The very first thing she said to me, before she even saw me, was "WOAH, COCONUT!!" She always tells me that she can smell me from down the hall because of my lotion. The next thing she said was "You really did turn a corner." Yep, I got my tan baby!! I said "I didn't let you down with 2 out of 3 things." Meaning that I let her down by weighing myself. Of course we talked about that. I didn't really have much to say on the matter other than the fact that I needed to weigh myself because I was sure that I had gained 4 pounds.

It was good to be back. I am going to back Monday morning because I won't be around Wednesday to see her. I brought her a shell that I found on the beach. She seemed really excited about it for some reason. She said "Now you're really making me want to go to the beach." I put it up on the shelf of her office, which isn't really hers, she shares it with someone else. I said "Let's see if anyone moves it."

Oh yeah, so Charro wasn't disappointed in the fact that I weighed myself. She said I did well and it was a "victory, well maybe not a victory" (haha) but that I did well because I only weighed myself once when I usually would have weighed myself several times. She said she wished that I hadn't weighed myself at all that would have been better, but she wasn't disappointed, like I thought she would be.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Back to the tundra

I'm back. So, my flight yesterday would have gotten me home in time to see Charro, but hey, I had a wonderful day at the beach so I'm not going to worry about it.

I'm tired. I woke up early and went to bed late the whole time I was in Florida. I have no idea why but that's what happened.

Oh, so I didn't gain weight. Seriously, I did NOT expect that at all. Waiting for the numbers to pop up on the scale was a bit nerve wracking but it all turned out ok. So, I'm sure I'm going to hear it from Charro tomorrow. She's going to be like "See, now you can get rid of your scale." I think not!

I have 2 dates tomorrow. A lunch date with some guy I've never met but is friends with my roommate from college, then I have a dinner date with 44. Geez, I hope he doesn't try to come near me. Lots of food tomorrow and then I have to go to dinner Saturday night. After that, I'm back on the wagon.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I don't want to leave paradise

I'm out of this nice, warm weather tomorrow. Sad day. :( I LOVE the beach. I'll post pictures when I get home or something. I will post some at some point.

I woke up and watched the sun rise. Walked/ran on the beach and then rollerbladed. Then I laid out all day. My parents and I went to dinner and now I have to pack. I've been working on a puzzle. I should stay up and finish it. I started it right before we left to go to dinner and I'm almost done. I need to finish it.

I can't wait to weigh myself, though I don't think I will like the results. I hate that.

I should really pack and go to bed. I'm making this private (again) before I leave the house in the morning. So, I think everyone who wants to read has an invite, but if you don't, email me at

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Another day at the beach

I changed my flight to Thursday due to the storm hitting much of the eastern part of the country. So, I called to cancel my appointment with Charro for tomorrow. I am sad that I'm going to have to wait until Friday to see her, but I guess it's okay. I will get another day at the beach, literally.

I think I've reached my turning point with my tan. Not sure I can get any tanner. I'd show you my tan lines but that would be inappropriate. :) Ugh, my mom took a picture of my in my bikini today and I didn't want to cover up and make a big deal because I didn't want her to think that I didn't want my body in a picture. It clearly freaked my out but I had to just let her take it so I wouldn't have to hear about anything or get asked a million questions.

I feel like I've gained a million pounds. I know I've gained weight and I really want to weigh myself again. Charro wrote in her email to me, "this will be a great opportunity to extend your not weighing yourself another day." I emailed her back and told her that I failed. :( Yes, I suck. I was tempted to ask her if she could do a double sesh on Friday, but it's not like I really need to have it, I just want it.

So, I know I've gained weight and I'm looking forward to going home and not eating again. Well, I'll eat, I always do, just not big meals and 3 meals like I have been. I don't look forward to going back to the gym though. I'd much rather run and walk the beach and rollerblade. That is way more fun and exciting and much prettier!! Hopefully Zena was right and if I stop eating so much the weight will drop. I'm totally okay with that.

So that's it I guess. I actually was bored and tired of laying out today. I guess come day 6, I can't really just lay around in the sun all day. I must do it tomorrow so I can go home nice and tan.

Staying another day.

I changed my flight and am not leaving here until Thursday, because of the weather. I need to call Charro and cancel.

Monday, January 26, 2009

One more day

I only have one more day left in the sun, though I'm thinking that my flight might get delayed or cancelled because NY is supposed to get a snowy, icy, mixture mess!! Ugh! That would be nice, but then I wouldn't get to see Charro Wednesday night. We shall see what happens I guess.

The Closer is on tonight. I freaking love that show. It's comes on in a few minutes so I better go. First, the picture of the turtle with the feeding tube from the turtle rescue place. I don't feel like moving things around so you've already seen the picture by the time you've read this.

Wednesday morning my blog will be private again. Gotta protect myself while in flight. Email if you want to keep reading.

Tired and burnt

I was hoping my sunburn would turn to tan by morning, but it hasn't. I didn't get a bad burn, just some spots on my body are burnt, like my underbuns. :) (the part right under your butt). Also my lower back and back of my legs, where I apparently failed to apply my 4 SPF got a little burnt. :)

I am so tired too. I went to bed late and I don't know why. Well, I was working on a puzzle, that's why. I wanted to finish it last night but we got home later than I thought we would from relative visit stuff.

Going to walk the beach this morning. I'll rollerblade back home and then lay out. Only 2 more days of sun and I've "Turned a corner." Yay, I can't wait to hear Charro say that to me. Haha.

I woke up last night and my t-shirt (which was on my body) was in my hand. I was, I guess, really hot and took it off. LOL. That's a new one. I do remember feeling my back or chest and it was really sweaty. I quickly put my shirt back on. Haha!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The day's recap

Weighed myself. (I know, I know.)
Went for a run.
Went to the beach. Got fried because I was there for 5 hours.
Saw 2 mama manatees and 2 babies. Tried to swim close to them but it was way too cold. Had my camera in hand one of the times and couldn't get it wet.
Had incredibly sore calves in the morning from running on the beach yesterday. OUCH!
Walked home from the beach.
Went to cousin's house and dinner.

I still feel fat but I won't weigh myself until I get home. I promise.

Why the heck am I up so late???

Disappointing many

Well, I weighed myself. Yep, let's see who I'm disappointing: Charro, you guys, me (a little bit), but I had to do it. I had to know. I feel better but I don't. I gained a pound, thought I had gained more.

Going for a run now!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I'm giving in

Yeah, I don't think I can go another days until I weigh myself. It's really not going to happen. I know I am gaining weight by the second. I sort of cheated today and did the wii fit and took a look at my BMI and it went up. It said "you've gained weight since last time you played." Wonderful, so I didn't weigh myself but I do know that I've gained weight so I might as well weigh myself and see how much weight I've gained. I don't care at this point that I'll have to fess up to Charro. I can't do it anymore. I need to know how much weight I've gained. She's going to be so disappointed in me, and I probably will be with myself when I have to tell her, but I need to know my weight. I have to for my own sanity. I know it will make me unhappy when I find out but I have to know. Ugh, I hate this!!

I just feel so fat and gross and I can see that I've gained weight. Blah! Just so gross. How could I get so fat in 4 days??

Friday, January 23, 2009

Run, walk, rollerblade

I'm so tired, I'm falling asleep, but I thought I'd blog first.

This morning I walked/ran on the beach. I can't really run too much because of the slope, so when I get to a flat spot I run. Then I rollerbladed back home from the beach and went to the pool. I was there for a while. My dad came over and told me that I needed to come in because I'd been out there "too long...90 minutes." Um, Dad, newsflash...I stay out here for like 5-6 hours!!

My parents and I were walking back from the pool later on in the day and I said something to my dad about how my legs are the same size as his. His response "that's because you're getting too thing. I told you when we get home you need to weigh 103 pounds." Okay dad, whatever. It was 102 before you left and now it's 103, I don't think so. I probably weigh that now since I've probably gained 89 pounds since I got here on Wednesday. Um, and my point was that his legs are so skinny and I guess he didn't get that.

Went to the turtle rescue rehab place too. Poor sea turtles. Saw one with a feeding tube. I'll post pics tomorrow. I need to go to bed. I'm not getting around to checking others blogs that much while I'm here but I check when I can.

By the way, I can't wait to get home and not have to eat anymore. I hate food.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Manatees, dolphins and scales


Seriously, I feel like I've gained like 4 pounds already and I really need to weigh myself. I'm going running or something in the morning. I have to. I don't know if I can last until Wednesday. I'm eating meals, which sucks. They've been healthy, like chicken and veggies, but it still sucks. I don't like food and I don't really want to eat it. Sure, sometimes I like it, but I need my scale. I need to have control. I need to know how much I weigh so I know what I can or can't eat. That's why I need to weigh myself!! I don't know how long I can do this.

Oh yeah, I am not having a PS (phone session) with Charro. I wasn't planning on it, she would have if I wanted to, but I didn't even ask her because I didn't think it was necessary.

So, I posted a video of the manatee I saw today. I also saw some dolphins way out in the ocean. The manatee was about 10 feet offshore when I first saw it. It took me a while to get a video of it though.

Itching already

I am already itching to weigh myself. It started yesterday. I don't know how I'm going to make it until next Wednesday. Seriously, I know I've already gained weight. I just know it and I don't like it. Ugh. If I weigh myself I will let Charro down. She said, "So you give me your word that you won't weigh yourself." Ugh, I said, "I give you my word, though I might take it back at some point." I don't want to let her down, but I don't know if I can do it. It's hard, as you all know.
I saw a manatee yesterday. So cute and ugly at the same time. It was making it's way down or upstream, I'm not really sure. I think it was going to warmer waters.

I need to run/rollerblade or do something today. It's too cold to swim laps, that's for sure. Maybe I will run and rollerblade. I think I'm only supposed to work out three times too, but I'm not sure. I'm not counting rollerblading as a workout, though I do wear my heartrate monitor. Blah!! Why is this hard?

Still too cold to go to the beach so I will sit at the pool again today. I tried yesterday but it was 50 degrees and freezing. I need to get tan though.
Here are some pics from yesterday.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It's cold here!

I'm here. It's only 50 degrees. I tried laying out in my bikini but was a bit chilly. I am going to go for a walk on the beach with my dad. I'll post pics.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A war in my...heater?

Okay, so it sounds like there's a battle waging on inside my heater. It makes the loudest pounding noises that actually wake me up at night. It's really annoying. At least I won't hear that for a week, though I will hear train whistles instead. Oy! I won't have my babies sleeping with me either. :(

Charro, tonight, was quite productive, I thought. Well, maybe productive isn't the right word, but it was a good sesh. We talked about the study and how I'd be interested in having the evaluation done to see if I actually would qualify for it. Of course she wanted to know what that meant, like do I want to qualify or not want to qualify. I think if I qualified that would mean that I need it, which I don't want, but if I didn't qualify then I think I would take that as I don't have an ED. I told her that I would never do the IP study, but if they had an OP one that I would do it, if it were like 2 days a week or something. I also told her how they suggested their other program, which is a day program, which is where Charro also works. I was like, "Yes, I'm aware of that place but I can't go there (minus that fact that it's super expensive), I have a friend who works there. I actually do have a friend who works there. She's the one who gave me Charro's card. I told Charro that I would actually do that program, but I can't afford it. She said, "So it sounds to me like you're looking for treatment." I was like, "No, I don't think I need it, I just think it would be helpful." She sat there and I asked her what she was thinking and then she said "I'm just trying to figure out the difference between 'needing it' and it 'being helpful." Then she went on to say that she thinks that I'm just not sure that I want to give this all up and that she thinks if I wanted to that I could do it without any other help, it's just a matter of wanting to and really trying. (I think I got that right). I think she said something about me not really (she didn't use the word "trying" because when I used that word she said "no, you're trying") ready to give this all up. Whatever she said, she was correct. I can't remember.

Later on she goes, "Next Friday you should plan on having muffins in here for breakfast." I go "WHAT!!!??" She goes "They're homemade." I said, "Oh, you're making them?" (she doesn't cook or bake) She said, "No." I said, "I will only eat them if YOU make them!!" So she said she would. Then she told me not to think about this while I'm away. I said, "Yeah, like I can just forget about it. I'll be obsessing about it all week." She said, "Let's hold off on this. I just realized I've given you too much to think about while you're away and you need to focus on not weighing yourself and get through that first." Of course I'll still be obsessing about the muffins because I know it's coming!

I think I need to do a checklist to see if I'm all packed and ready. Hopefully I'll have internet service in flight. That would be sweet. I won't count on it though. I'll say a few prayers for a safe flight and for some nice sunny/warm (which it won't be warm until Friday) weather. Maybe I'll get to blog from 30 thousand feet up. :) Ciao for now.

Beware of the buttocks!

I think I flashed some guy today while I was cleaning my apartment. My jeans fell down and my bum was pretty much hanging out. I realized that it was facing my windows and then I looked up and saw a man looking in my direction. Great, it's like a Friends episode.

Off to Charro...

Getting ready

I weigh four pounds less than what my father wants me to weigh. Then again, he said I don't need to weight that until he gets home in April. That gives me some time. However, how would he know what I weigh anyway. Is he going to pick me up and put me on the scale? I don't think so. I guess he just plans on bringing it up and asking me. Really, does he think I'm going to tell him the truth if I don't weigh what he wants me to?? I don't want to lie, but well, I would. It's all part of the "disease" I guess.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Charro tonight. I know time will fly while I'm in there.

So I've completely over packed, which is not at all unusual for me. I have a problem with that. I also have to bring some stuff that my parents forgot, so that takes up a little bit of space. I've decided that I'll just wear my dad's jacket that I'm bringing down for him. It will fit over my 500 layers so I don't freeze my ass off at the airport at 6 AM when it's 10 degrees out. Ouch!!

I need to finish packing, do some cleaning, organize my cat stuff, go to Fed Ex, and probably do some work too. I'm not sure that will happen though. I do need to though.

Maybe I'll have internet access on the plane. That would rock!!


Whoops, I accidently blocked my blog to everyone. Thank you Ania, for informing me that you couldn't get on. :)

Why am I shaky?

I don't know why I'm shaky this morning. That's weird and has never happened. I was sweating bullets too. What's that about? Maybe I'm nervous that I'm going to miss my flight tomorrow. I'll set 2 alarms and probably won't sleep well anyway because I'll be so afraid that I'll oversleep. I don't know. I'll be fine. I'll wake up and will end up in sunny, chilly, Florida. As long as I can get tan I'll be fine.

I don't know why I'm shaky though. Oh well. I ate. It's not a lack of food.

I'm worried about my little Squish. I haven't seen her eating and I'm worried about her. She just sleeps on my bed. I don't need her to be sick. I'll die.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Open, closed, open, closed

Charro tomorrow. I'm ready to chat it up too. I won't get to see her again until next Wednesday. Gotta get it all out before I go.

My rents better NOT comment on my weight while I'm with them. I am always so nervous around them because I'm afraid they're going to talk to me about stuff, or bring up Charro.

I really, really wish I could keep my blog open. I may switch over to wordpress that way I can password protect posts that need to be protected. I have a site all set up and have posted on it before. I have the link posted over to the right with all the other links. I'll keep you posted on what I do there. I know it's just a few of you reading this anyway, now that I've gone private. As of right now, I'm going to keep making it private and public every 2 seconds, so if you're new here and actually want to continue reading, just shoot me an email at That's all for now. I need to pack tomorrow. Woo hoo.

The snow was so pretty today. I took pics but they're on my sister's camera. I went skating today too. Yes!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Safety first

I keep going back and forth, private to not private, so if you catch me in a non-private state, it won't last long. If you want to continue to read, shoot me an email. I open my blog up when I know my parents aren't online to access it (if they try.) I have to stay safe.

Ice to beach

Tomorrow I will ice skate, Wednesday I will be sitting poolside, though it will only be 60 degrees. I have one goal, and one goal get tan. Yes, perhaps a little obsessive, but isn't obsessive what I do best?

Charro says I cannot weigh myself in Florida. She says she's not doing this for her but for me, which I get, I do, but what if I can't fight the temptation and just have to weigh myself? I will let her down, which in turn will make me feel bad, but I don't know if I can really control that. I don't know. I'm going to have to eat, because my parents, especially my dad, will be watching me like a hawk. I'm sure he'll comment on my weight and tell me that I need to gain weight and tell me that he doesn't think I'm eating. My mom will probably say something like I don't know why you're worried about your weight. I think you look great. I don't know why you're going to Charro if you're not worried about your weight. That's how I'm sure my week will be. If I can spend most of my time at the beach, I will be very happy. I love the beach and that's where I want to be, and I won't have to eat lunch with them. Sun is way more important to me than food. Seriously!!

I've had like 12 lunches today. I swear I have a tapeworm or something. :) I need to start packing, empty my dishwasher, take a nap, pee, and do who knows what else. I'll be bored so I'll probably find something else to post about later.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

On second thought...

I started thinking about this whole study thing. No, not thinking that I'm going to try and do it. Not at all. I started thing about how once they started evaluating me, that they'd probably say that I don't have an eating disorder. Afterall, I don't work out obsessively anymore. I only work out like an hour, sometimes more, a day. That is not at all excessive. I don't starve myself. I don't eat as much as I "should," but I am not starving myself. I eat probably 1000 calories a day, sometimes more. So, that's not a problem either.

I plan on talking to Charro about these thoughts. I asked her the other day what her diagnosis is for me and she said, "I'd say you have anorexia." That sounds so weird to me. I don't think the people at the study place would agree.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Freedom for a night

I've unblocked my blog for the evening, just because I'm curious. It will be back private before bedtime.

A study

So, I finally got the nerve up to call about some ED studies here. They provide free treatment to those who are eligible to participate in the studies. I called thinking that I'd just get the girl's voice mail. Well, much to my surprise, she answered the phone and it kind of caught me by surprise. I had to answer a few questions and she goes, "I guess from the sounds of it you have anorexia." Okay, if you say so. Now, she's just a research assistant so I know she can't diagnose anyone, and she definitely couldn't diagnose me from the few questions that she asked.

Anyway, she said the only studies that have available right now require you to be inpatient for 2-3 months. She asked if that was something I would be interested in and I said "no!" I had her tell me about the program anyway. Hearing about it definitely made me say NO to it. There's no way in hell I'm going to do that!! NO WAY JOSE!!! So not happening.

They don't have any outpatient studies at this time, and who knows if they ever do, but at least that I might be willing to try, if I was eligible. Ugh, IP...NO FREAKING WAY. I don't think I'd qualify anyway, though I would be interested in seeing if I did. Maybe I can just go and find out.

I was supposed to babysit tonight but they cancelled to do illness. Oh well. It's too freaking cold out anyway. I will clean my apartment.

Clashing attire

It's freezing out, though it's actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I did literally squish myself into the subway in order to get to Charro on time this morning. They trains were so packed. I let one bypass me because there was no way I'd have gotten in. This one, I made sure I got in. I honestly thought the door was going to close on my arm and foot.

Charro laughed at me when she came out to get me because I had so many layers on. Lately we've been discussing clashing attire. It's kind of funny. Today I tried to clash a bit, on purpose, but didn't manage to do so, minus my socks. My had did clash with my sweater. There's too much to write about this, though it's funny and has been on going for the past few sesh's. So today I said, "I'm going to call you out next time you wear black and brown or black and navy. She said "I like black and navy." I said, "I know." Then I said, "I particularly liked your red and purple outfit." She looked confused. I said, "The red pants with the purple shirt and the gold shoes." She said "Oh, the summer outfit. You do remember everything." :) Yes, I do!!

We were discussing how I don't know how to cook small amounts of food and don't know what to eat. She said "Do I need to send you to a nutritionist?" I said, "NO!"

I told her how I hate missing sesh's. It's not like I feel like I need to be there when she or I are out of town, it's just that I like being there. I like going and talking and figuring things out about myself. She makes me think about a lot of things and realize a lot of things, and I like that. I told her all of that too.

So, I have one more sesh before I head south. I'll miss 3 sesh's with her, but the good news is that as soon as I get home, I get to go see her that night. I'm sure I'll have lots to talk about with her.

Oh, I asked her if I could hire her full time if I win the lotto. She said "Sure. Or you can just give me half." Ha! I said, "You could go buy your red Ferrari." Her response, "Could you picture me driving around the city in a red Ferrari?" I said "No, but I would love to see that."

So, I need to work, go to the gym and babysit before the day is done. Getting to the gym is going to be the tough on. Blah. Gotta do it though.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

It was a miracle

I had my TV on when the local news broke with coverage of the plane crash in the Hudson River. I was glued to my TV. I was on the phone with my mom when it happened and was relaying the story to her. A few minutes after that, cable news broke in with the story and she was able to see what was going on for herself.

I watched it unfold. I'm fascinated by this kind of news coverage, which is probably why I got into the field. Part of me wishes I was in the newsroom, gathering the info as soon as it came in, the other part of me didn't miss the chaos that goes on in the newsroom during situations like this. I got out of the news business a few years ago.

I'm watching Fox News now and hearing the stories of survivors and witnesses. What an amazing story. The pilots did an amazing job landing that plane in the water, and flight crew did an amazing job getting everybody off of that plane. It's a miracle. To think of what could have happened. The plane could have hit the George Washington Bridge (a major, 2 level bridge in NYC) or it could have hit buildings. It seemed like the perfect disaster, for a lack of a better term. I'm just in awe and thankful that everyone made it out safely.

I can't imagine what was going through these peoples' head during those 3 minutes from take off to crash landing. I can't imagine looking out the airplane window and watching yourself get lower and lower until hitting the water. I can't even imagine.

So, I'm flying out of the same airport where this plane took off on Wednesday morning. This is obviously a freak accident, and I've often wondered about birds getting sucked up into the engines, and now I know a little more about it. I will surely be holding my breath a bit during take off. and will most likely freak out at any foreign noises I hear. I'll probably say a little prayer before getting in that plane as well.

It's just so unbelievable. I can't get enough of Fox News and "On the Record with Greta."
I so wish I could make my blog public.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

When am I not thinking?

I'm kind of bummed that I only get to see Charro once next week. I was supposed to see her Monday too, until we both realized that it's a holiday and she's not working. :( Sad day for me. So, I'll see her Tuesday and then fly out on Wednesday morning. I'm sure I could do a phone sesh with her while I'm there, but I don't think I will. It's not like I'll need it for any reason, I just hate missing out on our sesh's.

She said, "Two weeks from today when you come back in here, I want you to say that you didn't weigh yourself." I said, "And I want you to tell me that I 'turned a corner' even if I didn't." (With my tan). She said she would. She also said, "If I don't say it, it doesn't mean that you didn't get tan." I said, "Just make sure you say it." :)

I told her that I didn't think I'd be able to go the whole week without weighing myself. The temptation is going to be too great, having the wii fit scale right there in front of me. I don't want to let her down though. She used that against me too because she knows that I'd feel really bad for disappointing her. She was going on and on and saying, "You don't want to let me down." She was saying those things for my own good. She then added that I need to do it for me, not for her.

I told her that I'm scared that I'll never get better, that it's too hard. I told her that I'm afraid that it's too hard and I won't be able to do it. (I just said the same thing twice). She said that she thinks I can. I said, "You have confidence in me." She said, "Yes, I do." Well, that's nice of her to believe in me.

She made "the sad face" a few time tonight. I called her out on it once. She said, "It's sad that you live in this cage." She asked which I would choose: If she could take a magic wand and make me 10 pounds heavier and have no worries about any of this, or stay the same as I am, which would I choose? I couldn't answer her. I know how ridiculous that is. Some small part of me can see that, yet I still can't say I would go with the 10 pounds and no worries. I guess that is sad. I don't know what would make me get to the point where I'm just like "okay, I'm ready to do this." I don't know what it will take, I guess no one does.

It's a shame that 90% of my attention is focused on Idol right now because I'm in a good thinking zone and could probably get a lot of thinking accomplished. I'll do some more thinking later. Well, I'm still thinking but not good enough. That will come at bedtime.

I hate tech support

I'm in a bad mood and I'm fat. Great combo. I was actually fat before I got in a bad mood. It was the stupid tech support for HP that put me in a bad mood and I actually yelled at them a little. I've been online or on the phone with them everyday for a week, and before that it was happening too. I am so done and I have completely lost my patience with them. Ugh!!

I am fat and gross and don't want to eat. I guess it's a good thing I don't really have anything in my fridge to eat. I'm back at my "acceptable Charro" weight and I don't particularly like it. It will go back down...I hope. I'm just afraid it won't and then it will keep going up while I'm in Florida.

I'm not supposed to weigh myself while I'm there, which would have been somewhat okay because we don't have a scale. Then I realized that my parents brought the Wii Fit down and that weighs you. So, you know I'm going to weigh myself even though I'm not supposed to. I can't help it. I will talk to Charro about that tonight.

I guess I should do some work since my day has been wasted by HP.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I LOVE skating!!

Skating ROCKED!! I wish I didn't have to stop to get on the train. Skated and played a little hockey. It was awesome. I might have to go back home this weekend to skate. Nothing like pond hockey!!! I freaking LOVE IT!!! I forgot how much fun it is.

I feel like I need to go home and go skating before I leave for Florida because the ponds may melt by the time I get back. No chance of that happening before I go though, because it's going to be ZERO degrees. That, I HATE!

Hockey time

I'm about ready to go do some skating before heading back to the city. I freaking love ice hockey and this will be my first time skating in 2 years. Last year none of the ponds froze. It will be a quick skate because I have to get on the train so I can back to see Charro. It's going to be rush rush, but that's my life when I travel.

I have my old skates here, my new ones are in NYC. I hope these are sharp, but I don't think they are. My new ones aren't either. Oh well.

My feet are cold.

Get me outta here!!

It's 12 degrees...and the "cold" weather isn't even coming until tomorrow. HELP!! I can NOT take it. I HATE winter!! Florida next Wednesday!!! I don't know how I'll make it through this cold snap.


SYDNEY (AFP) – An Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.
The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.
In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of "a few minor tasks" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.
The successful applicant, who will stay rent-free in a three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy, must be a good swimmer, excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.
"They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas.
"The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world."

Seriously, I NEED that job!! It has my name written all over it.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Meal break

I've eaten too much the past couple of days. I've eaten 3 meals the past few days and I don't particularly like it. I was on the ship for lunch yesterday and went out to dinner last night with a friend who stopped by. I wasn't even hungry but I had to eat. I ate my leftovers for lunch and then ended up meeting up with another friend, "44" for dinner. Actually, I met him out and then he came here and we ordered food because he was hungry. I probably would have skipped dinner and just had a snack or something. I got soup and salad, because he told me soup wasn't enough. I didn't finish either, but I also had bread too. Ugh, now I weigh too much, but hopefully it will come off. I have to eat lunch with my colleagues tomorrow, so more food for me. After that, I don't technically have to eat any meals until I go to Florida next Wednesday. I will eat, I'm just saying that I don't have to if I don't want to...which is quite nice. I'm not going to like my weight when I wake up tomorrow, that I know.

So when I first saw "44" tonight, he gave me a hug and said "I think you got smaller." I was like "no" and he said "I think you did." Um, okay, he's right, but not really that much smaller, like 2 pounds.

Why does it bother me that Charro would be so happy that I ate when I wasn't hungry and had meals and gained weight, etc?? Why?? I should be happy that I'm pleasing her but I don't want to gain weight, I don't want to have to eat when I'm not hungry.

I do eat when I'm hungry. I don't starve myself. I just want to clarify that.

Sunday 1/11

I was watching "Degrassi" this morning. Yes, I know, the cheesy teenage drama show...and the episode where Emma was anorexic was on. I've seen it a few times before, but for some reason it sort of freaked me out a little today. I don't know why. It's not like she was really anorexic, but I think it was the whole confrontation part with her parents that freaked me out, because I've so been there and it SUCKS!!! That's probably an understatement.

I had a dream that my parents found the list of things I wrote down to talk to Charro about. I hate those dreams.

I forgot what else I was going write about. I need to take a nap. Ugh, I'm going to have to call my sis later too, and I don't want to. I don't want to talk to that fucker!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Queen for the day

Well, not really, but I did get to go on board the Queen Victoria today. It docked in the Big Apple and I know a guy who works on board, so I got to go on board. Unfortunately I had to get off before it departed. :(

I'm quite tired and it's cold and gross out. I can't wait to crawl into bed, but first I have to brush my teeth and stuff, which is so annoying. My brother in law is going to call me too, and I'll be fast asleep and it will wake me up. I can't call him because he has an international number. Geez in a box.

Friday, January 09, 2009

My brain is like a popcorn popper

I love when I post three times in one day. It doesn't mean that bad things are happening either, I've just been thinking about a lot.

I have so many thoughts fill my head, and I tell Charro that all the time, but I tend not to talk about those thoughts. I think I figured out why. Every thought comes and goes in and out of my head so quickly, and there are so many of them that I think I can't compose the thought long enough to be able to get it out in words or writing. It's literally like a thousand thoughts are rolling around in my head. I can picture the inside of my brain, if only I could draw that and put it on paper to show her.

I want to be able to talk about all of these things, I just feel like I don't have enough of the thought to put it into words. I don't really even know what I'm trying to say now. I might have to come back to this.

So, Charro admitted that she was "tough" on me on Wednesday night. I kind of liked it actually. It seemed as though she was saying exactly what she was thinking, and I loved that. I think I need to tell her to be like that all the time.

I'm kind of bummed that I'm going to Florida and will miss a couple of sesh's. I guess I'll only be missing two, and I'm sure I can do a phone sesh if I really want to, but I'll be in Florida, I need to just be there and enjoy it. We'll see though. I also don't want to have to sneak around my parents.

Crusty Contacts

I guess I should eat lunch before I go to the gym...

I'm not that hungry and I don't want to get cramps while I'm there, but I know I'll be starving once I start working out because it's 2 PM and I haven't eaten lunch yet.

Post 3 for the day will be post workout.

My contacts are driving me insane.


I feel like I didn't talk about important stuff with Charro this morning. I guess by important I mean "deep." I'm sure the stuff I spoke about gave her a better idea about me, but it just seemed like stupid stuff. That bothers me. Why can't I just talk about more important stuff all the time? I guess I didn't really know what to talk about.

She asked me what my top 5 worries are. I answered her. I only had about 3 that I could think of off hand. She said, "you know what I'm happy about? You didn't say your weight was one of them." She's right, I didn't even think about my weight. I don't actually worry about my weight. I worry about having to gain weight, but I don't worry about losing it or needing to lose it.

I thought about it more on the subway on the way home. I decided to make a list of things I worry about and things that scare me. I wrote it up, and I'm sure will come up with more things, and will bring it in to her on Tuesday.

I guess I should do some work.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009


Charro was crazy tonight. She actually scared me a little, at least for the first 10-15 minutes. She said something, and I don't remember what it was. Then a few minutes later she was talking about I am "in limbo" and I need "more" and the she's "worried." (not don't freak out by the word "worried." She was ranting and raving and I looked at her, and must have given her a look like you're freaking me out, and I said, "You're scaring me." She goes "I had a coke and I usually don't drink them." She then went on to say how her colleague said she looked like she was about ready to "take off." It was pretty funny. Arms were flailing and she was being very up front and tough. She commented on her behavior, which was funny.

Anyway, she calmed down after a little while. I could hear her stomach growling, though I think mine growled too once or twice. She thinks we should have another dinner soon. Ugh. She wants to have Mac and Cheese. Um, no way in hell, sista!! I told her that I'd have a cup of hot chocolate because that would be a challenge for me. She said, "With whipped cream!" I said, "NO!! The hot chocolate is challenging enough!!" I just hope she doesn't surprise me with a cup of hot chocolate on Friday morning. I don't think she would, but that would suck!

Almost bed time for me.

Florida bound

I just booked a flight to Florida. I leave two weeks from today. It was very spontaneous. (wow, I could not think of that word for minute). Hopefully the weather will be great and I will get a nice tan. Woo Hoo baby!!

If my favorite (not really) sister decides to drive down in February, I'll go down with her too. All I had to pay for was my plane ticket so I booked it. If I go with my sis, I won't have to pay for anything. :) We'd be a little cramped with my rents, but who cares.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Thrown for a loop

We're going to get another doozy of a "storm." Was supposed to snow and now it's just going to be rainy and messy. I think we're going to get snow on Saturday.

Had Charro tonight. She likes that she's seeing aggression from me...aka some emotion. I've got a lot of anger and aggression in me right now. I'd like to beat up my sister's "lover" and I'd like to, well, I don't really know what I'd like to do to her, but I do know that I can't stand her and she makes me sick and so pissed off!!! UGH!!!! I hate both of them. I hate that I heard him at her house today when I called. I HATE IT!!! I can't even get into it.

Charro was having contact (lense) issues again tonight. She said, "You're very sensitive." I said "No one has ever called me 'sensitive' before" (She meant as in caring and stuff because I get really sad when my nephew hates school or I see an animal commercial on tv). Oh wait, wrong part of the story, though she did say that....

She said something about my ED and I can't remember what it was but I know it was something I didn't want to talk about. I looked away and stared at the clock for a few seconds and she grabbed her club soda and said, "I'd like to pour this in my eye." I told her that I wouldn't recommend it and that it would probably hurt. She said, "Oh, I can't believe I just changed the subject. I picked up on your subconscious that you didn't want to talk about that. We have that brain connection." She tried to go back to the topic but I avoided. It happens.

Back to Charro tomorrow night. I think she likes that I have things to talk about now. I told her that she can read my brain because we spend 3 days a week together. She goes "How is coming three days working out for you?" I said, "It's working out well. How's it working out for you?" She was very caught off guard by my question. I was like "Did I throw you?" She was like "Yeah, I didn't expect that." So I asked her again and she said that she thinks it's working out well too, but would like me to stop dancing around and avoiding things." I said, "Why did that throw you off? I always ask you questions?" She said, "I just didn't expect you to ask me that."


Monday, January 05, 2009

I've got a rash

I had to stop taking my antibiotics today because I developed a rash. I called the doc and they told me to stop taking them, that I'm probably allergic and that each time you take them, for future infections, the rashes will get worse. I only had two more pills left to take anyway.

Dinner tonight...oh how fun!! First my mom asked if there have been any more emails from "Lauren." Nope! Then, while sitting at dinner my dad said, "When we get back I want you to weight 102." Okay, that's not too much to ask for. They're going away for 3 months. My mom asked why I was unhappy with my weight and why I am trying to lose weight. I said, "I'm not unhappy with my weight and I'm not trying to lose weight." That's the truth. I'm fine with what my weight it right now. I have no problems with it.

I need to do laundry.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Slumping tree

I think I'm going to have to take my Christmas tree down this week. It's looking a little sad and feeling a bit dry. Poor tree. I love sitting in my apartment with just my candles in the window and my Christmas tree on. It's so peaceful. I love Christmas. My star is drooping to the side, not a good sign.

Kids Incorporated

Do any of you remember that show? For some reason I thought of it last night and was youtubing it and watching a bunch of scenes from it. I freaking LOVE that show!! It needs to come out on DVD!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Missing a piece of the puzzle

Quite literally. I finished my puzzle and there is a piece missing. I'm sure the cats did something with it.

I went to the grocery store today and actually bought some food. I made sauce and lentils today. Not bad. I need to have sauce on hand if I all of a sudden want to make pasta fagioli. So, I will freeze it.

I haven't had to eat with Charro in a while. Since September actually. That's kind of nice. I think she's trying to get deeper into this whole ED thing. It makes sense. I guess that's what we should work on in 2009. I try to dig deep but I don't really know what's down there. I don't think there's anything down there. I just know that I have this intense fear of gaining weight and it's easier to continue to be disordered than it is to try and fix it. With that said, I'm not saying that it's "fun" to be disordered, just easier. I'd like some freedom from this.

I have to say, looking back, I have come a long way since I started seeing Charro. Now, with that said, I know I still have a long way to go. Clearly I do. But, I am so much less obsessive than I was. That's a good thing.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Sfarky. I heart Sfark!! :) That makes me so happy to say. That's all for now.

Totally rambling

I was thinking about what one of my high school friends said to me recently when we met up for the first time in 10 years. She said "You were always nice to everyone. Everyone liked you You were friends with everyone." That made me feel really good. The "you were nice to everyone" was probably the nicest thing to hear. I never fell into the cliques. I truly was friends with everyone, "Popular" kids, "jocks", and all of the other categories there were. I didn't care about any of that stuff. I was friends with whom I was friends with. I guess I would have been considered a "jock" because I played 3 sports and I pretty much hung around with my field hockey girls, but I was friends with everyone.

I definitely danced to the beat of my own drum. I didn't care what people thought of me. I dressed the way I wanted to dress and acted how I wanted to act. I had fun.

I don't know what I'm talking about. The end.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Floating through the clouds

I had the coolest dream last night. The Korean guy that I brought my broken jacket to was in it. He was hypnotizing me. I was floating/flying through the clouds and mountains. It felt so real. I remember how much I loved that feeling too, of just floating and flying. I hope I can go back there tonight.

A little snow must fall

My sesh with Charro was nothing exciting today. I basically talked about how pissed I am at my sister and all that crap. She did tell me she got a big huge thing of Nutella for Christmas. She was VERY excited about that.

We don't really talk much about food and weight anymore, which is good. I don't need to be telling her how much I weigh all the time.

I met up with a friend for lunch after. Well, I did some shopping in between to kill time. Well, it was more like browsing because I wasn't going to buy anything. I just needed cat food so that's what I got. Now I'm back, it's snowing, and I'm gonna take a nap and finish the puzzle I started yesterday.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Serious Boredom

I have been so bored today. I should go back to the gym!!

I cleaned a little, finished my puzzle, cleaned that up, started a new puzzle, organized my drawers and closets. I should do laundry, but I will wait until tomorrow or Saturday when I have some more sweaty workout clothes to throw in there. Looks like I'll have to do 2 loads anyway.

I could take a nap, but I don't really feel like it. Both my kids are sleeping. They're both curled up in little balls.

Today would have been a good day to take down my xmas decorations, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm keeping my tree up until it's dead.

44 was supposed to come over today, but he's sick. He's sounds awful.

I'm listening to AOL Radio but I don't like this song so I might have to turn it off.

Charro tomorrow.

Slightly Moronic

I had a blonde moment. I went to my gym the other day and asked what time they were open today. They said 7-10. Well, for some reason I thought they meant 7 AM to 10 AM. I thought that it was a little weird that they were only open for 3 hours, but whatever. My gym at home was only open from 8-noon, so I guess that's why I thought that.

I walked into the gym this morning and was like "it's quiet in here." The lady said "It will be busy later." I said, "later? Don't you close in an hour?" Haha.

Now I must shower.

Really, I hate people

One of my friends was supposed to come over tonight and I just got this email from her...

"...if it's nasty and cold later, I'm probably just going to stay home."

I knew she would blow me off. She always does. Always has an excuse or something comes up. I kind of sent her a nasty email back that said, "Somehow I knew you'd end up not coming over." I've just had enough and I'm sick of hearing about how "not" disordered she is, yet she shits out blood after running 15 miles and then has it happen again after she does another long run. She "obsessed with running" and "has to know everything" that she's eating and "be in control" of her food, yet she's "doing much better." Clearly those 9 stints in the hospital worked really well for ya. Guess what she's going to be too? A psychologist. Shocking, isn't it. (not really). She doesn't want to work with EDs though.

Clearly I'm pissed! I'm done making plans with her!!!

Now my cat is drinking out of my glass of water. Guess I'm done with that cup.

She ended up coming over. She probably felt bad.