Monday, December 21, 2009

Home for Christmas

I'm heading home tomorrow, after my appointment with Kruger. Maybe I'll stump here with some stuff tomorrow. I'm excited to be home with my cats but I'm not too excited about having 5 days with my parents, and then being in the car with them on Sunday morning when they drive me and the cats back. At least the cats will be a distraction. I worry that they're going to say things about my eating/weight. I fear that all the time, but I think I fear it more right now because I think that they think I look thinner. I don't know, I guess I lost like 2 pounds, but I lost that before I went away so I don't know. I don't want to see people I haven't seen in a while because they will notice my weight loss and it's uncomfortable. I know, you're all thinking "Well then, gain weight." I'm not trying to lose weight and I eat things that I want, so I'm not depriving myself of anything.

Okay, I am rambling and making no sense so I'll stop writing. I'm focused on other things and not writing, so I'll stop writing. I should hear from Charro next week. She said she'd call the last few weeks in December and I don't think I'll hear from her this week, so that leaves next week. She'll tell me when she's coming back. My guess is that it will be the second week in January. Should be interesting to see if she thinks I look thinner. She won't say if she does, but she might ask my weight. Who knows. I wish I could get inside her head.

9 comments:

now.is.now said...

This is how I felt the first time I tried to gain weight. I felt afraid that everyone was going to comment on my (small) size. I wanted to avoid people to avoid comments.

Is there any chance you secretly want to be confronted? So that you don't have to hide?

There's no point in saying this but you actually are depriving yourself of things. you say "I'm not depriving myself of anything." I bet you could make a list of all thet hings your'e depriving yourself of and realize that it's too high of a cost for "skinny." No one cares if your'e "skinny" or "normal" or "fat." They just want you to be okay and to be real.

PTC said...

No, I definitely do NOT want to be confronted. I've been down that road before and it's awful. Never again do I want that.

I'm not depriving myself of food, that's what I meant. I eat what I want.

now.is.now said...

I disagree. I believe you are depriving yourself of foods you want. You may not be aware of this, but some day you'll look back and agree. If every food was zero calories and did not make you gain weight, would you eat any differently than you do now? If so, you are depriving yourself.

I hesitate to write more because I don't know if you want to be told you're depriving yourself (whether or not you're aware of if you want this). Do you feel so connected with the identity of "healthy" of "eating like a mouse" of "not quite eating enough" that me saying you don't' eat enough just feeds into that?

Imagine you had little kids following you around and you were being their role model? Try to live the way you'd show them how to live. Try to eat the way you'd show them how to eat. Try to treat yourself the way you'd show them how to treat themselves.

I know you think about things. I know you wonder if your quality of life is diminished. I know you dont' like having an eating disorder. Instead of keeping all of those thoughts inside, why don't you try to write about them here or talk about them to someone. I know you like the fact that you come across as "stubborn," but there's nothing good about "stubborn." There is a lot of good in "real" though. So be real with yourself. Admit to yourself what you wonder, what you fear, what you like about yourself, what you don't like about yourself, etc.

I hope I made some sense.

now.is.now said...

I'm not trying to be mean. Sometimes I just feel like your vision is limited and I'm just trying to help you see better. Also, sometimes I feel like you're not fully the real you b/c the way you write is very black and white. And you and life and everyone are more complex than that. So I guess I just am trying to get you to see and recognize other parts of yourself without feeling like you shouldn't. And now you most definitely have no idea what I'm talking about. :) Ha. I'll talk to you later i'm sure and explain.

PTC said...

Laura,
You saying that I don't eat enough doesn't feed into anything. I know I don't eat enough. If I want chocolate, I have it. If I want a cookie or cheese or whatever, I have it. I don't go all out all of the time, but I'm not totally depriving myself. I ate whatever it was I wanted in Italy. I even ate when I didn't want things because I wanted to have things there.

Don't worry, if I was having thoughts, I'd be writing them out here for sure, but I haven't been thinking about anything. My mind has been quite free.

You weren't being mean.

now.is.now said...

ok, good.

I guess I just was thinking that I know you don't have any food that is "off limits" because you'll have a little bit of something if you want it, but maybe you've just totally trained yourself to not want very much that you don't even realize you're depriving yourself. I guess that was my thinking.

I'm really glad you enjoyed the food in Italy!

(you've never called me Laura before on BlogLand. Totally fine that you did! Just noticed)

PTC said...

I don't know. I guess nothing is off limits, though I wouldn't sit down to a bowl of mac and cheese if I was craving it, or a piece of cheesecake, though I don't really like cheesecake.

Eating Alone said...

How can you not like cheesecake? That's unamerican!!!!!

Heathen!

PTC said...

No piace cheesecake (I don't like)