Saturday, October 31, 2009
Went to a Halloween party last night. It was a blast. Another one tonight.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I made it to Charro 1 minute late, after a crazy ass commute. It was nuts. I think I was frustrated or something while I was there.
Only 2 more weeks of Charro and that makes me very sad. :(
My weight might be ok. Will know for sure tomorrow. I'm tired. May write tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Going out to dinner again tonight. I'm not hungry and I don't want to go but I'm meeting a friend. At least I won't have to eat anymore after tomorrow. Hopefully I will make it back by 7 to see Charro. I'd be going straight from here to her. Fun...luggage and all.
Oh, so on the boat trip, one of my clients said to me "You are sooo tiny. You need to eat something. Your mom needs to sit you down and force you to eat." HA! That's funny. Thank you though. That was nice of her to say!
-----To the gym....round two!
I almost went to the gym last night because I was full and felt gross and had a ton of energy. I didn't though. I might go tonight if I have nothing to do. I will probably meet up with my friend who used to live on my floor in my old apartment. She moved here a year ago. I am meeting up with another friend (one who is going to Italy with me) in a few minutes. I haven't seen her in years. We used to work together. I have to work at 12 PM. My feet are killing from standing at the convention center in boots for 5 hours. I hate shoes more than anything. My feet hate them. I only have to be there for 2 hours today because we are taking our clients out on a boat trip. Woo hoo. Too bad it will be raining. That's ok. I also want to go shopping in Fanuiel Hall, or however you spell it.
I guess I should get ready. Hopefully I'll make it to Charro tomorrow. Oh, my team won in the first round of the playoffs yesterday. History was made. My team never won a game before this year. I bet the other coach, whom I don't care for too much, gets all the credit.
Okay, getting ready now.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I'm in Boston. The gym is on my floor, right across the hall. How psyched and lucky and I? There are two scales too, one in the locker room (doctor's scale) and one in the gym. I'll test them both out. I was going to use these few days to not weigh myself, but I want to see how these scales compare to mine. I have to say, I'm happy with the numbers I've been getting at home. I'm back to my weight...3 pounds below my Charro weight, but that's the way it's going to be.
My friend will be on her way here soon and we will go to dinner. I'm starving so she will be shocked at my food intake.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I'm going to head to bed early tonight. I'm waking up early to get on a train so I can head to Boston for work. I am hoping to get back in time to get on a train on Wednesday to get back in time to see Charro. I need to be on a 5 PM train back to NYC in order for that to happen. It better. I don't want to have to answer my parents questions about why I am rushing back though. That's really annoying. I might make up some story.
I did laundry and ran the dishwasher. I sort of packed. I feel like I'm missing some things. I'm actually bringing a little suitcase, which is a first for me. I never do that. I think I might actually take a cab to the train station tomorrow, since I can expense it. I love being able to expense things. That's the best!!
I'm having dinner with one of my high school friends tomorrow night. She knows all about my ED. I hope I'm not nervous eating in front of her.
I am going to make a list of things I want to talk to Charro about on here because I don't feel like writing them on paper right now.
Have a good week. Hopefully I'll have free wifi in my hotel room.
(My Charro list)
Meeting with Claudia Schiffer. (that makes sense to me but won't to you guys).
I can't remember the other stuff.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I kind of forgot I saw Charro this morning, it seems like so long ago. Not much to report about that. She looks kind of cute all pregnant and waddles around everywhere. It's funny.
I just ate way too many veggies and feel like I might puke.
My weight was back to "normal" this afternoon. By "normal" I mean, the number I like. I feel like I should have the whole number discussion with Charro. I think she probably should know how I really can't deal with being over 100. I am pretty sure she knows that I'm not at 102, where she wanted me to be, but I think she needs to know how I feel. I don't really know how it is I feel exactly, but I do know that I can't deal with being over 100. Maybe she can help me figure out why. I think if I had an honest discussion with her she won't push me to get to that weight. I don't know. This is just my thinking now, a lot is going to happen before I see her again on Wednesday, that is if I make it back from Boston in time to see her Wednesday night. I'm sure my thoughts will change by then and I won't feel like talking to her about it. If I gain weight, I won't feel like talking to her about it either.
Charro asked me if I wanted to meet with the new lady before she leaves. I said no. I still think it's really weird to see someone else. She said that she was going to meet with the lady and fill her in on me. Great! When Charro comes back from maternity leave, I will have a double sesh with her because she will only be working one day a week.
Tomorrow it's going to rain. Actually it's already raining. I have to work out before my 10 AM practice. So I need to be done working out by 9 AM. Team lunch after practice, then I have to pack for Boston. I'm excited for Boston because the hotel looks nice and the gym looks decent. I have plenty of time to workout in the morning, which is also good.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I didn't make it back in time for Charro. We started our game 30 minutes late because we were 20 minutes late getting there. It took us almost 2 hours to get there. Some jerk driver almost caused us to hit him. He pulled in front of us and gave us the finger and then slammed his brakes on. I thought we hit him. Then he didn't move for about 20 seconds...which does not help traffic on the Long Island Expressway!!! Fun times.
Charro tomorrow. Rollerblading, a meeting, work, teach class today. It's going to be 75 degrees, and our last nice day of the year so I must go enjoy it. It smells like someone is making pasta right now. It's the pasta boiling in water smell. Weird.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I had a good run to Charro's today. I left a little bit later than I planned because the guys came to fix my heater. I got annoyed running because there were a lot of people on the sidewalk and I had to stop a lot at the beginning to get around them, plus I had to stop at intersections. I got my heart rate up to 190 at one point, which was a bit high. I was hoping I'd hit some red lights so I could stop for a breather but I had no such luck. I made it to Charro's with over 10 minutes to spare. I stopped and bought a water and stretched outside by the door. She walked down the street and when she got to the door she goes "I saw you hiding back there. I saw sneakers." I told her that I wasn't hiding, but went to get water at the store.
I went to the store after to try on this sweater dress I bought there on Saturday. I bought a medium but feel like I need a larger size because it hugs my butt and I don't want my butt to be seen. I put on the medium and went out and asked the girl if it was too small. She said "Not at all." After I got dressed I walked out and said "Are you sure you don't think it's too small?" and some lady chimed in and goes "How can anything be too small on your body?"
I had the converstion about the sweater dress with Charro and how I hate my bubble butt and she said, "Butts are actually great." I thought that was very ironic since she doesn't have an ass at all. NO ASS!! I hate how she has a perfect freaking body and she eats. Okay, I need to not think about that because I will get really upset and annoyed.
So, that was my day.
I went to the gym this morning and did 45 minutes of cardio. I cut it down since I knew I was going to go for a run. It's only 4 miles to her office so it's not that taxing. I may do some shopping when I'm down there afterwards. We shall see. Shopping for me usually means looking at clothes, maybe trying them on, and buying nothing. That's okay because I don't have any money to spend anyway.
It needs to get warmer out. Tomorrow is supposed to be in the high 60s, which is good since we have a game. This is my last week of field hockey because I will be away next week while my team plays in the tournament. Oh well. As Sugarland says "Shhh....it happens." I cracked up when I saw the lyrics written out because I didn't get it until I saw it. :)
Monday, October 19, 2009
I'm going to bed. I went to see Charro this morning but that seems like it was a different day. I can't wait to go to bed. Right now I'm on the phone with my friend who was in the hospital. He got out last Wednesday and went into a crisis shelter. From there he will go to a rehab place. I've been on the phone with him for 24 minutes and the only thing I've said was "Hi." This might be a record for talking to someone. I've kind of tuned him out because I heard him say all of this last night.
Nothing exciting to report from Charro's. I told her that I hate my weight and do not like triple digits. She didn't give me the big spiel I expected. I told her that I didn't want to talk about what was on my mind because we get no where when we discuss it and that I know what she's going to say and that I don't want to hear it. So, she didn't reem me out, which was nice. Not like I thought she would in a mean way, but she usually says stuff. I think she knows that she's said it enough and she can't do much about how I feel. I think she gets it.
So, off to Charro tomorrow afternoon. I must run in the morning. That's a big must!!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Charro is going to love this conversation tomorrow. I already know what she's going to say to me, but I can't help it (my thoughts and feelings) and I don't want to hear what she has to say. The hard part about bringing this up is that I'm still not at the weight she wants me to be at so she's not even going to want to hear this from me but I have to bitch and whine to someone.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
So we were sitting there reading the book. I was cuddled up in the blanket and she was sitting next to me like you would sit next to a friend or someone if they were showing you pictures or something. The door was too our left. We heard it open and looked over and it was my parents. They barged right on in. I jumped up and was standing there in shock. My mom started talking and I couldn't even introduce them to Charro because I was so shocked and pissed by this. They came in and were partaking in a small talk. I said something like "You guys need to stop all this small talk. Why are you here? What do you want to ask her?" I can't really remember if they asked anything or not, but I stood by the window looking outside at a cold, cloudy day. I finally said, "You need to leave. Just go and no, I do not want to talk about any of this at dinner tonight!"
They left and I sat there in shock, as did Charro. We were both mad about what had just happened. I remember thinking that my time was almost up and was wondering if she would let me stay a little longer to talk about what had just happened or wondered if she would make an appointment with me because I wasn't set to see her for a while. Then, I think I woke up.
CRAZY dream!! She's going to ask me what I think about that!
My feet were purple the other night. I don't know why. I was looking at the bottom of my big toe because it feels bruised, and I noticed that the bottoms of all my toes and the plushy part of my feet were purple. Both feet. They weren't cold. WTF?
I have to go to the gym and it's going to be really crowded. That doesn't make me happy.
Friday, October 16, 2009
She got tough with me about "letting go" of my "rigid weight limit." She said "I'm not kidding." Then she said she was thinking of the "Married With Children" song because it says "you can't have one without the other." She said, "You can't have recovery without letting go of this crazy adherence to this weight. So everytime I want you to think of that song, sing it, and get it." I tried to get her to sing a little bit of the song for me, and got a couple or words out of her. I pretended like I didn't know it so she would sing it. Then I told her that I would eat a muffin if she would sing the whole song. She goes (in a whiny voice), "But I don't know the whole song and I'm tone deaf. It's not fair." LOL. I told her to pick a song and sing it and I would eat a muffin and she said that she would think of a song. Then she said "This is ridiculous because you should eat a muffin anyway. I said, "I don't want a muffin" and she goes (in a funny voice) "Yes you do. You're just scared of one."
Charro and I also discussed the "sub." I said, "I'm going to ask you something and you are not allowed to answer my question with a question." She said "I'll answer it however I want to answer it." :) I asked her if she thought I should go see her fill in person. She didn't give me a yes or no answer, she said that she thinks it would be good for me because she's afraid I will "seal up." She went on about things and said then decided that she is really easy on me and doesn't think that this other people would be so easy on me. Then she decided that she needs to not let me get away with so much. This was all in a conversation she had with herself, it was kind of funny. I told her I'd think about it. I asked her if I could email the lady instead of calling her and she said she would ask but it would be better if I called her. I told her that I don't want to call because I would throw up. She told me I could call her from her office. I said "no" to that and asked her if she would call her for me. She said no. Ha! I tried.
My muscles are knotting up on me and I sort of pulled (more like tweaked) a butt/leg muscle. Oh well. I can't wait to go freeze my ass off at practice today. It snowed here yesterday, by the way!!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
My time with Charro is winding down. We talked about who is filling in for her while she is away. I am going to ask her if she thinks I should see her while she is gone or just play it by ear. I think if she tells me it would be beneficial to go, then maybe I will. I need to hear it from her though because I'm too stubborn to just go on my own because I don't really think that I would ever call the woman on my own. I probably won't talk to her.
I was talking about jeans (again) and how I just get so annoyed walking through the jean section. I said "It's not even because of my 'ham-thighs,' it's because I know they will be too long on me." So Charro chimes in with this: "Imagine if you had VERY big breasts. Most likely you'd have to shop in a special place for bras. You know what I mean here? Look, there are certain things we have to accept and it's not the end of the world." I cracked up and laughed SO HARD and had to say something funny after that so I could stop laughing at her and pretend I was laughing at what I said. She was clearly talking about herself here and I was dying!!! She kills me.
I'm going to try and make a list of things I want to talk about tomorrow. I want to talk about something good, but I have to figure out what to talk about.
I need a nap.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I forgot to give her her check on Friday so I gave it to her right when I walked in and said, "Here ya go. I don't want to forget to pay you again. That's like twice in a little over a month." So she goes, "Why is that? Let's analyze that." I was like "Seriously??" She was like, "Do you not want to be in therapy?" (Me) "Seriously?? If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be here. I just forgot to give it to you. People do forget things?" (Her) "Yes, but you said it's been happening more lately, so what's that about?" (Again, more = twice in 5-6 weeks. It's just abnormal for me because I always remember." I said, "I just forgot. I just got up and left and forgot to give it to you." I really can't believe she wanted to analyze that. There was NOTHING to analyze!!
We discussed what my mom said the other day. I just got really tired so I don't feel like writing about it, besides, there's not really anything to say about it anyway.
Charro again tomorrow night. It's getting COLD out and I do NOT like it!!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I seriously gained 30 pounds today. I am so going to weigh myself before I go to bed. I just weighed myself, pre-pee and with clothes on, and it was bad! Like, really bad. I can work out for a while tomorrow though and twice on Tuesday.
So, I had my high school alumni field hockey game. That was fun. I think my legs might be sore because I'm not use to playing on grass. I made apple sauce, with a little help from my nephew. We all had dinner and my 5 year old nephew had 3 pieces of grilled chicken, green beans, piece of Italian bread, and some potato. Wow, that kid was hungry tonight. He ate more than my parents or I did, I think.
After dinner my dad took the boys to see some Halloween decorations. My mom decided that that would be a good time to ask me about Charro. She goes "how often do you see Ch...Cha...(she can't pronounce her name)" She wants to say CH but it's a K sound. I said "Twice a week." She said "Do you have to go twice a week?" I asked her what she meant by "Have to" and then I said I like to go." Then I said that she is having her baby next month and my mom asked how long she would be gone. Then she asked what I would do while she was gone and I said "nothing." She asked if I was going to talk to someone else while she was gone." I said, "No, but she has someone that I could talk to if I wanted to, but I don't need to. It's not like I'm going to die from not talking to her for two months." She said "I know you're not going to die." Then she wanted to know why I go and then said "You must have psychological problems if you go." Um, thanks mom. "No, I don't have psychological problems." "You must if you're going." I told her that normal people go and lots of people go but she didn't buy that one. I ended the conversation by discussing Tupperware top sizes because I was trying to find the right tops for the containers I put the applesauce in. I can't wait to relay this one to Charro.
I went up to bed with my older nephew. He wanted me to lay down with him so I did. He grabbed my hand and wanted to hold it, then he snuggled in close to me an put his arms around me and squeezed me tight. (SO CUTE). He fell asleep with his arm draped across me. I think I fell asleep too, then the phone rang and woke me up.
The end. I'm fat. I'm weighing myself obsessively until I get back to normal.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I don't eat enough. Check. Let's go with that. I don't care that I don't eat enough. I'm not going to sit around and try to convince people (on here) that I eat enough because I know I don't and I know that that doesn't bother me. Where am I going with this? Absolutely no where.
Starting to freak out more about Italy and not working out and eating meals. Why can't they just have gyms in their hotels?? Is that too much to ask for? :)
I asked Charro if the same lady who always covers for her will be covering for her. She said yes then asked if I was "in the mood to call her." I said "no." She said "Do you think you might though?" I said "No." She said "why not?" I said that that was weird and she said that some people like to check in and that I could call and check in with her. I said "Check in with someone who doesn't know me? I don't think so." So, low and behold, I will not be calling the "sub." I knew that from the start anyway.
What if I really start to freak out while she's gone though? I don't think talking to someone else is going to help all that much. The person doesn't know anything about me so really, what good would that do? None.
I'm going to a show tonight with my friend for her birthday. Tomorrow morning I am going home for my high school alumni field hockey game. I am picking up my nephews on the way home and they are sleeping over. I will come back to NYC on Tuesday for my 3 PM appointment with Charro and then I am teaching aerobics that night. I am teaching two classes on Thursday, one in the morning and my usual class in the evening. I will get lots of working in this week. Burn those calories, baby!
Friday, October 09, 2009
Ugh, I hate people!!! I was trying to get a cab for my team today and I didn't know there was a man trying to get one too, so I crossed the street and told the others to come because I saw a cab. Well, then I saw the man waiting and I said "Oh, never mind." He looks at me and goes "You bet nevermind. You saw me standing here." I said, "I didn't see you standing there." He said, "Yes you did. You looked right at me." I said, "I did not look right at you. If I had seen you I wouldn't have come over here and then said 'oh never mind." I then said, "And you could be a little bit nicer about it, sir!" At this point I was rip roaring pissed...SO PISSED!!!!! I HATE PEOPLE!!! He continued to yell at me and then said "My wife went to (school name)." I got in another cab and was so pissed and was like "That guy was such an asshole! What a fucker.
The concert last night was AWESOME!! LOVED IT!!
Charro was good this morning. She's funny. I have to listen to my sesh in a bit, I'm on the phone now.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
I've decided on having a protein shake for dinner because I don't need to eat anything more today. I made low fat zucchini bread yesterday and have been eating it all day long so I don't need anymore food. I need protein so I will have a protein shake.
I feel like going for a run all of a sudden. Well, I actually don't feel like going for a run, but I feel like running to Grand Central rather than walking there. I am walking there to meet my boss but I'd rather just run there so I could get there faster, but I'd look pretty funny running there in jeans and stuff. I am excited for this concert though. It's gonna rock!!! I've seen them both live before and they both rock.
I need to work out. If it's not too bad out tomorrow maybe I will run to Charro, but it's supposed to rain.
I cleaned this morning. I love vacuuming, minus the fact that it scares my cats. I told my friend I'd stop by and see him at the hospital today. Yes, he's still there almost 3 weeks later. Crazy, isn't it. I am drinking my decaf green tea.
Charro's last day is November 13th. How sad. It sucks but I'm sure I'll survive, I always do. I won't have to worry about not weighing myself because I won't weigh what she wants me to weigh, or says that I "need" to weigh, rather. If I gain weight while I'm in Italy I can do what I need to do to lose it, though that would still be the case if she was around too so I guess that doesn't really matter much. I would like to not freak out and stuff during that time, but I am pretty sure it will happen. It just does, especially with all of the holidays and the food and stuff. Last year I didn't gain any weight but who knows what will happen. One day at a time I guess.
UPDATE = I AM GOING TO THE CONCERT!! YES!
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I would be lying if I said I didn't feel like I've gained weight, not necessarily from dinner, just in general. I might have to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I need to check my weight out.
So my last day with Charro is November 13th, unless she goes into labor before that. I just got sad thinking about my last day with her. I am going to miss her big time. I think I realized tonight that I feel safe with her. I don't have to pretend to be in a good mood or whatever, I can just be however I am.
Monday, October 05, 2009
I walked into her office and we sat down and chatted for a second, then I said, "I have to tell you something" (in a really serious voice). She goes "Ohh?" (very scared sounding and made a face). I said, "Happy birthday!!" She was relieved that that is all I had to say.
I told her I needed to figure out something to be for Halloween and she said "How about healthier?!" Um, okay. Ha!! She said that it would be a great gift for my parents. Perhaps, but it's Halloween, not Christmas!
Tomorrow we are having dinner. I am making pesto pasto. I've already made the pesto. I'm planning on walking there tomorrow night too, so I'll be walking carrying food but it's all good. I need the walk.
Gym in the morning, work a bit, cook, then Charro. She didn't mention anything about dessert so I am really hoping that means that she won't bring any. I don't think I'll be that lucky though. We shall see.
My finger has hurt for 2 weeks and I don't even know what I did to it. I think it's a tendon or something. It's not swollen or anything. Oh well, it's just a finger.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
I realized that I am walking an extra 8-9 miles a week walking to field hockey. What am I going to do when it's over in a couple of weeks? What if I gain weight? I'm gonna freak. I need to work out more I guess. I won't be walking to Charro's either because she will be going on maternity leave. This is going to be scary. I'm going to have to spend more time at the gym, which I don't really want to do because it's boring, but I guess I don't really have a choice. I tend to not want to be outside in the winter because I HATE the cold!!!
I'm starting to freak out about my Italy trip too. I don't leave for another 56 days, but what am I going to do? I'm going to be eating a lot more and not working out. I'm going to gain weight and get so out of shape. I'm going to freak out, I know it. I would like to not freak out while I'm there but I don't really think that's possible, especially since I'm already freaking out about the thought of all of that happening. Ugh! Charro really wants me to go there and have an awesome time, and I don't doubt that I will, but I do think that I won't have as good a time as I could have if I was "normal." Sucks but there's really nothing I can do about it right now.
So there was a murder on my street early Saturday morning. Went out for a run yesterday morning and the street and other areas were all roped off with police tape. There were cops everywhere. Last night they were looking for the murder weapon in sewers and stuff. I guess they're still out there because the news was live here this morning. The killer is still on the loose. Not scary at all. I thought they murderer knew the guy he killed, but apparently he didn't and it was just a random act of violence. Lovely!
So yeah, I'm scared about Italy. I hate that Charro will be gone in a month. She did tell me that she wants me to check in with her via email, so that made me feel good. I will miss her.
Gym this morning, field hockey this afternoon...sunny and warm all day!! :)
Friday, October 02, 2009
My sesh with Charro was fine. I told her my reason for not wanting to weigh myself. When I said "Do you know why I don't want to weigh myself," she said "Because you think it went down?" I said "No. It's because I don't want to have to tell you how much I weigh." Translation: If I don't weigh myself I don't have to tell you that I'm not gaining the weight you want me to gain. I hope she kind of understood that, but I don't know. She did ask if I was "restricting more" because I'm not weighing myself and I said "no." That's why I need to weigh myself because I feel like I'm eating more. I feel like I still need to discuss this more with her.
Charro's birthday is on Monday so I am going to make her some caramel coated, chocolate covered pretzels. She liked them last time I made them. She probably loves me because I cook and bake for her all the time. She'll miss that while she's gone. Ha!!
Thursday, October 01, 2009