Monday, August 31, 2009

Sleep is good

I would like to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well for some reason. Well, I sleep fine during the night, but my cat likes to wake me up early in the morning for some reason with his claws. I guess that's why I'm not sleeping well. I will sleep well when I'm home this weekend.

I had practice this morning. I just got back. I see Charro later. Tomorrow I have practice until 12:30 PM, a meeting at 1 PM, another type of meeting/training either after the first meeting or at 3:30 PM and that will last about 90 minutes, then I have Charro at 6. So, I was going to run to Charro's but that might not happen because of timing and location. So, if I have time between meetings, I will run in the park. If I don't have time and we start the second meeting right after the first meeting, then I should be home by 4:30 which would give me time to run to Charro's for my 6 PM appointment. I don't want to run from the school because it's on such a busy street (touristy) and they would all drive me insane with their slow walking and I'd never get there. So, I actually wouldn't mind a break between meetings, at least like 45 minutes so I could run in the park, that would be perfect.

Okay, so that's about it. My legs are tired. I think they're tired from yesterday, but I think they're more tired from standing for 4 hours. My legs are better off when they're moving and not just standing around. I want to take a nap but now I have to do work for my real job.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Busy and messed up schedules

My schedule feels all thrown off. I don't see Charro until 5:30 tomorrow afternoon, which is weird. I have practice from 8:30 AM-12:30 PM, which means I'll be out there from 8-1 PM. That will be my next four days. Should be interesting. I'll get stupid suntan lines, that's for sure.

I don't know when I am going to workout, which is a big issue. I can workout in the afternoon I guess. Maybe I'll run to Charro's Tuesday night, that's an idea. I think that's what I'll do. Wednesday I play field hockey, but that doesn't count so I will have to work out too. Thursday mornings I don't workout because I work out at night, so that's ok. I got good workouts today. I burned 1000 calories between working out and playing field hockey. That's acceptable.

I've got both my cats here on the couch with me, one on either side. They are happy. I love their little plushy back feet. I like to kiss them even though they are in the little box. Who cares!

I don't know what to talk to Charro about tomorrow. I don't want to ask her about Wednesday because what if she doesn't want to stay late? I don't want to make her feel bad by saying no. I don't want to ask her because what if she feels like she has to say yes? I feel like I take enough of her time and that she really doesn't want me to take more of it. So, I don't know if I will ask her. I'm sure she wants a break from me. She must have been so happy when I wasn't there twice last week.

I really need fruit but there were no fruit stand people out for the past 3 days. SO annoying. I'll stock up tomorrow.

I know I'm going to weigh 3000 pounds when I wake up in the morning and that will really piss me off. I should just weigh myself now so I don't have to sit here and freak about it all night.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Food, boredom and The Closer

I think food is overrated, (as I sit here watching a show on ice cream). All I need are the basics and that's about it. Camp was good because I had a few things to choose from that were made. Most of the time it was salad bar stuff, but they did have a vegetarian option when they had meat too. I made a "taco salad" without the shell or the meat. It was good and I liked it. The thing is, I won't cook meals for myself everyday and that pretty much means that I'm not eating meals. It's so much easier to not eat than it is to eat. Sure, when meals are prepared for me I will eat them, but when they are not readily available...who needs food?! Not I. Food that really isn't a "meal" becomes a "meal" and that's fine with me. I'd honestly rather just not have to eat at all.

I really want to weigh myself right now too. I think I'm gaining weight (in general). I need to prevent that from happening. At least I came back from camp weighing less than I did when I left, which was higher than it should have been, so I came back weighing what I was weighing as of late. What did I just say? That was confusing, I'm sure.

I wish I never had to eat. Really, I do. Also, Charro totally forgot that she was going to bring in dessert on a Tuesday night, since she didn't bring it in the night we had dinner. Yay!! I love that she forgot. Although, I say that and she probably really didn't forget and will just totally catch me off guard some night. She doesn't have much time left to do that though. She says she doesn't forget anything but I really think she forgot about this. At least I'm hoping she did.

I really want to make a dessert but I have no reason to and have nothing to make. I want to make a fruit cobbler but the fruit stand guys aren't open today because of the weather. Stinky rain! It seems to have stopped which mean I can run out to CVS to pick up a picture I ordered.

I just watched the season finale of "The Closer." It was really good. I LOVE that show. She really reminds me of Charro too, or Charro reminds me of her, I'm not sure. I guess it's the first one. Besides the fact that Charro looks a bit like Kyra Sedgwick, I think the roll that she plays puts them in sort of the same boat. "Brenda" gains trust in the suspects and questions them and stuff, and Charro gains trusts in her "people." I don't really know what the hell I'm talking about.

I do know that I need to start running more. I ran this morning and I am so much slower than I was a few years ago. I never got back into the whole running thing after my concussions and now I do it maybe once or twice a week and I don't run as many miles as I used to, and I don't run as fast. It bothers me. I don't know if it bothers me enough to make me do it more, since I find it boring. I will go to CVS and that will be about it. Fun and exciting. Maybe I'll look at the Cooking Light website for recipes and then be all disordered somehow.

I woke up at 5 AM for some odd reason. I am tired. My knee feels like it has a really bad bruise on it but there isn't one. It hurts to touch and I cannot kneel on it. Something is weird. I laid on it while I was sleeping and it hurt for a while after that. Maybe I'll have the trainer feel it on Monday.

Have I written enough nonsense yet? I think so. What am I going to do for the rest of the day? So boring. Maybe I'll take a nap. I cleaned and vacuumed and worked out and showered. What else is there to do?

Friday, August 28, 2009

So good to be back

It was SOOO good to see Charro this morning. Unfortunately I had to cancel for next Friday because I have a company boat trip, which was actually supposed to be today and I would have missed it so I'm glad it got postponed. I want to ask her if she can see me on Wednesday night, but I don't want her to have to stay at work just for me. Maybe I will ask her on Monday night, but I don't know.

I told her how much food I ate while I was at camp. She was loving that. My lunch alone yesterday was at least 1000 calories. She was like "great!" I was like, "that's what I normally eat in a day." I told her about my 3000 calorie per week calorie burn quota and how I won't reach it on Friday. I guess she didn't know I had that quota to fill. She thinks it's ridiculous. Oh well. I am definitely playing field hockey on Sunday and am teaching, which is good. I had someone covering my class but I took it back since I'm not away.

I am still so tired. I sort of took a nap. My friend is coming over. I cooked dinner and we are going to have a "Whatever Martha" marathon.

I hate missing Charro. Hate it. I felt like we had a good sesh, even though I was completely out of it and looked all dis-shelved.

Guess I better go. My friend will be here soon.

Catching up...

Weekend trip cancelled do to rain. I get to do nothing, well, not "Nothing" but I can catch up on stuff and clean, unpack. I need to catch up on my sleep and when I do that, I will start catching up on blogs.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

NOT just hot water

Hey guys,

Just got in and am exhausted. Just wanted to say that I did NOT just live off hot water. I drank it instead of putting hot chocolate mix in there. So, don't worry.

I need to shower and sleep. I have to read all your comments too and hopefully be cognitive enough to respond.


Okay, I am back and showered and am falling asleep so I don't know if anything I write will make sense.

I clearly hate camping. It was SOOOO COLD last night that no one could sleep. I went prepared with a big, warm blanket, but it still wasn't enough. I wasn't "freezing" but I wasn't comfortable either. I woke up at 4:30 AM, starving, and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was starving all morning, even after I had a breakfast 3 times larger than normal. I had a snack before lunch and a huge lunch. I am not exaggerating when I say that either...about breakfast or lunch. If I told you guys what I ate you'd be disgusted so to save myself from embarrassment, I will keep that to myself.

I did the elliptical yesterday afternoon for 30 minutes, played a little handball with the girls, and worked out last night. I taught an aerobics class to the other coaches last night. I was SOOO incredibly hyper and was going crazy (good crazy), so I think I provided a lot of entertainment for everyone.

Oh, I didn't gain any weight. I ate like a mad woman and didn't gain any weight. Who knew. I am actually hungry now and have been munching on pretzels but I think I'm too tired to figure out what I want to eat. I had a protein shake after I got back from the gym...where I burned 3 calories.

We were supposed to get back from camp at 4:30 PM, we got back at 6:10 PM. I hopped off the bus, grabbed my stuff (including my huge suitcase which I dropped on my two little toes while wearing flip flops), hopped in a cab, got to the gym, had people tell me I looked exhausted, taught, hopped in a cab, got home, called my friend to see if I was still going away with her this weekend (we're not b/c of a tropical storm), went out and bought milk, showered, made protein shake, and now I need to dry my hair, brush my teeth and go to bed. BED! SLEEEEEP!!! Yay.

Okay, I babbled enough. I will catch up with all of you guys tomorrow. My eyes are barely open.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The joys of camp

I have a bit of a break before our afternoon practice. It's cold out now and I have to pee but I don't know where the bathroom is. I'm sitting in the dining area and, oh, I see it, it's outside across the way. Okay, much better now. I have 2 more practices to get through. It's not the field hockey I mind, it's the camp. Ugh. Cabins blow and it's freezing too. I slept in 90 layers last night.

So, this morning at breakfast, a couple of the male coaches were sitting with me. They started talking about how guys don't like skinny girls and they don't like girls who don't eat. I thought it was pretty funny. I need to not eat because I need to lose the weight I've gained in the past 2 days. I actually looked for a scale in the gym last night. No dice though. I am going to go get a cup of hot water. I would have hot chocolate but I really can't afford the 110 calories right now. So, hot water it will be.

I emailed Charro just to check in. I'm sure I won't hear from her. Whatever. I am sleepy, and want to go home and need to run a million miles. I, along with 2 other girls, will be running tonight. Must burn lots of calories!!

(I just went and got hot water b/c I couldn't really justify drinking 120 calories in hot chocolate. I thougth about just using half the packet but even 60 calories seemed like too much for me. So, hot water it is because I don't like the tea.)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I am so miserable here. I don't have time to write really, I am sitting outside waiting to go to practice again. I learned something about myself in, well, about a minute...I AM NOT A CAMPER!!! I am so skeeved out by everything and the cabins and stuff. Our cabin smelled like pee. We are now at a different camp. At least it doesn't smell. I just want to go home!! I want to go home so badly and I can't. I feel like a home sick 10 year old. I just want to go home.

To top it off I've been eating normally and I hate it. I'm not freaking out per se, but I hate it and I don't want to do it anymore so I might just stop doing it. No one will notice so it doesn't matter. Let me just stop eating. Ugh, I hate this so much. (Not the food, the camp). I think if I was enjoying this more I wouldn't mind the food as much. Well, that's a lie, I still would hate the food aspect.

Ugh, I guess I need to go. I miss you guys and I hate not knowing what's going on in your lives. Internet is spuradic and I have practice in 10 min, Gotta go.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Storm clouds and going away

This was the sky this evening. I was hoping to see a twister but I didn't. Of course I don't want any damage or injuries though.

No Charro tomorrow or Tuesday. I leave bright and early tomorrow morning. I need to be excited about this camp but I'm not. Part of me hopes to lose weight while I'm there. Part of me knows that I don't really need to lose weight, according to "the charts," but there are other parts of me (the visual ones) that think I could stand to lose a couple of pounds. I mean, I guess for the most part I know I don't need to, but I look at my body and can see fat rolls and fat arms and I hate it. I can sort of see those 2 collar bones in my back sticking out a very little bit. I wish they stuck out more. Anyway, back to what I was saying, I kind of hope I lose weight, like a pound or 2 while I am at camp, but I kind of don't at the same time. I just can NOT gain weight. I would like to weigh 2 pounds below mine and Charro's "agreed upon weight," which is where I hover sometimes, but not at the moment. So, I'd like to get back there, so really, I guess it's not like I'd officially be losing weight. I'd be staying around the same.

I don't know why I'm going into this camp with the thoughts of not eating a lot. I will eat if I am hungry, which I will be. I just don't want to eat real meals. I guess I should take advantage of the free food, though it might be disgusting. I just better not gain an ounce while I am there.
I hope I have good stuff to talk to Charro about on Friday. I don't mean that like I want things to happen at camp that I need to discuss with her. I just want to have some insightful, deep things to talk about. I won't have time to think about anything so that might now happen. I will try though.

Oh, it is SOOO going to suck when she is away on maternity leave. :(
With that, I am out on my own leave. Maybe I'll get a chance to get online tomorrow. Hopefully. I won't have much time so hope you guys all have a good week. Hopefully I'll get to check in, might not be able to comment though. Time to be a good role model!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Morning activities

I had a fun morning. I was going to go rollerblading, but weather did not permit for that to happen. So, I went to the gym with my friend, her gym, did some cardio and then took Zumba. (A dance class). I cannot dance and look pretty ridiculous doing so. My body doesn't do those flowy, hip gyrating movements. I'm too tight. It was fun though. Then I came home and decided to go for a bike ride to try on rollerblades. Well, the Rollerblade rental people weren't renting rollerblades because of the weather. (I was going to try on the rollerblades there because I knew they'd have every size, and my size, as opposed to the stores which don't seem to have my size. I was going to just ride there and back home, but I ended up riding a bit farther so I could put air in my tires. I then met up with "44," whom I haven't seen in a long time and we went to grab lunch. He was going to ride more but the rain was coming. It started raining as we finished up lunch.

I came home and took a very necessary shower. Took a nap. I started packing for camp and cleaned my bathroom. Now I'm in my friend's apartment (she's not here), watching tv and doing laundry. It is just too freaking steamy in my apartment.

So, I've had no air conditioning since Wednesday. The dew point (for you weather people) is in the 70s, which is considered "tropical" and "oppressive." It was 77 percent yesterday, which is absolutely unheard of. It makes the temperature fell much hotter than it is. Yesterday it "felt like "102 degrees. My body is tired of not being able to cool off. The one plus, I guess, is that it has totally knocked out my appetite. When it's hot, you just don't feel like eating. I'll probably just have a protein shake for dinner. It will keep me cool and besides, I don't have anything else to eat unless I have oatmeal or grilled cheese with gross fat free cheese. So, a protein shake it shall be.

I can't decide if I should go play field hockey tomorrow. I want to but I don't. It just takes so long to get there and back, but it's so much fun. Plus, I leave at 7:30 Monday morning. I'm packing much less than I thought. The stupid bedding will take up the most room. Sooo annoying. Towels too.

So that's about it. I am bored but getting things done, so I guess that's good. I want my apartment to me pretty clean before I leave. I really hope I have a good time at camp. I think I will once I get past the whole cabin thing. Ew! I'm not a priss, but I'm not a camper. I don't need a 5 star hotel, but I do like insulation in the walls. Is that too much to ask for? :)

Why do I feel like I need to lift weights or do push-ups all of a sudden?? I want 6-pack abs. Most of the time I think my abs are pretty good but I guess I don't right now.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Quitting blogging?

Charro and I were discussing how I will be away and how I am bringing my computer to both camp and Italy. She was like "You're going to lug your computer around?" I was like "Yes, I need to stay in contact with the world." She goes "You mean the blogs?" I said, "Well, my family and the blogs." She then said how she thinks it would probably be a good idea if I didn't blog anymore.

Well, actually it went down more like this: I said (in regards to camp), "At least we'll have WIFI so I can blog." She said "It'd actually be better if you didn't blog probably. Because the blog is so...seems to you think it helps your ED or do you think it keeps it going?" I said, "It helps me rage." She said, "Right, but isn't it your eating disorder's anger really? Aren't you talking about how bad food is, how fat you feel? That is, I don't think, so helpful. I wonder if not doing your blogging might be similar to you moving towards recovery. Not identifying yourself as that, not needing to identify yourself. Not needing to be part of that kind of community." I get her point. I don't think I could stop blogging, and I don't plan on stopping because I think it is good for me, though, like I said, I do get her point. That's why I sometimes have to not read blogs and not comment. It just gets to be too much for me. I still need to vent what's in my head though.

Stupid sesh and camp

My sesh with Charro this morning was stupid. We, or I rather, didn't talk about anything. Stupid!! I know. I am not going to see her again until next Friday either because I will be away at field hockey camp coaching little high school girls.

Let's talk about camp! I am NOT a camper. I never have camped before in my life, except for our school 2 night campout trip in 5th grade. We slept in cabins. No way in hell I'd ever sleep in a tent. I don't like bugs. So, I will be sleeping in a cabin with other coaches, whom I've never met before. That should be interesting. They do have wireless internet there, but I'm not sure where on site I can access it. So, starting Monday I won't really be around. I get back from camp on Thursday afternoon, just in time for me to teach class, unpack, pack, shower, sleep, wake up, run to Charro's, haul ass back to my apartment, shower, and leave for the weekend with my college roommate. Ugh! Breathe!!

Back to camp. It should be interesting. Meals with people 3 times a day. I actually don't think that will be very difficult for me. I'm not one to skip meals if I am hungry. Plus, I have to eat because I have to be a role model for the girls. Sleeping in a cabin with randoms, well, that won't be fun. I like my privacy. I'm a very modest person. I get dressed in the bathroom and stuff. They will probably think I'm weird. Hopefully there won't be 8 of us packed into one cabin. Ugh, camping! I think I'll be okay without my scale. Sure, I might have a freak out or two, but really, it's not like I'm going to really gain any weight there. Working out: I will run and I'm sure there are other coaches there who will want to run as well. I will be having double sessions with the girls, not that that entails much movement for me, but whatevs. I refuse to sing cheesy songs or partake in stupid skits, that's all I know.

So, that's camp in a nutshell. I know I'm going to stress about getting back in time to teach my class. We are supposed to get back at 4:30 and I teach at 6:30. STRESS!!!! I don't want to get someone to teach for me because I'll lose out on my money, which I desperately need!

So, that's about it. I have a meeting in 90 minutes to get the scoop on camp. Hopefully I'll find out EVERYTHING I need to know...and I like to know everything!!!

I'd like to think that I have cramps, but I'm not sure. I'd like to just get that over with before I leave on Monday morning.

I told Charro I hate missing our appts. I do. What if that is the day I decide to have a huge breakthrough?? Ha!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I'm going to die

It is so fucking miserable and hot in my apartment. It's honestly like a sauna. My AC is gone, they came and took the huge thing to get it fixed. Who knows when it will be back, not this week though. I'm dying. I really might just cry. It's 87.6 degrees in here. HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!! I should have slept next door at my friend's place. My cats are dying too.

A nutritionist

Okay, since you guys are always nagging me about seeing a nutritionist, I will tell you why I won't go and see one. The main reason why I will not go to see one is because I wouldn't listen to what she had to say anyway. I wouldn't eat the way she wanted me to, so there is no point in going and wasting my money and time on seeing someone. I eat the way I eat. I eat what I want, and when I want it, for the most part. I may not be eating enough and the nutritionist would tell me to eat more and I wouldn't. So why bother? I'm just being smart about it. I don't have the money to spend (waste) so I'm not going to go. Charro doesn't even suggest I go anyway because she knows I know enough about food and nutrition, I just don't apply it. So, that's why I will not go see a nutritionist.

Gotta get dressed. Going for a bike ride with my friend.

Okay, I'm back. My vacuum broke, my AC doesn't work, and my shade ripped off. How am I doing today? Oh, it's 95 and humid out. My cats are dying.

So, I am NOT trying to convince Charro that I don't have an ED. I am trying to find out what I do that makes her think that I have one. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I need to vacuum

I'm tired. It's hot out (don't get my wrong, I love the heat so I won't ever complain about it, and my legs are tired for no reason.

I will sweat bullets playing field hockey tonight, which I love! Note to self: do not put on baby oil and lotion before walking around NYC on a 95 degree day while in dress clothes. My back was as slimy as can be. Yuck.

I'm still in a bad mood. Maybe I'll get into a fight with Charro when I try to convince her that I don't have an eating disorder. I have nothing to say really. I thought I did, but I don't. I need to vacuum.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Locked out

I am in a bad mood and I don't know why. I must have gotten in a bad mood at Charro's and didn't realize it until I left there.

I got there and I rang the buzzer to get into the first 2 front doors. Then, there is a punch code I have to punch in and turn some lock thing to get into her waiting room. Well, I couldn't get into that that door. The lock was stuck or something. So, I contemplated standing outside there until she came looking for me, but then I just ended up calling her and I said "If you come out and wonder where I am it's because I can't get in the door." I didn't say "hi, it's me" or anything. You think I could state my name. Whatevs.

I will go back to my sesh in a bit, when I get to it on my tape so I can remember exactly what it was that I said that might have triggered my anger...

Well, I got another comment at the gym this morning. This woman came over to me, and I haven't seen her in a long time, and she said "You look like you've lost a lot of weight." I said, "No." She said "Yes you do." I was like "Maybe a couple of pounds. I hate spending money on food. It's so expensive. All I need is milk so I can have my breakfast in the morning. Plus I walk everywhere." She said, "Yeah, Emily (her daughter who moved to the city a year ago) has lost weight too." (relief for me). Then she said, "Make sure you eat!" Okay!

Right now, I don't feel like eating. That probably has something to do with the fact that I'm in a bad mood. I want to weigh myself too.

Oh, I asked Charro if I could quit so I can babysit for her. Her response. "No." Okay then. I was kidding, but come on, humor me a bit.

Okay, got to the part that might have been the "piss off" point. I said to Charro that there is "no reason for people to worry about me." (people mainly being my parents). Then I said, "Can't you just call them and tell them there's no reason to worry?" She said,"You need to tell them that. I don't feel that way. I think that your life is not healthy. I always feel like you want me to say that you're really unhealthy. I'm not gonna go there because it's not about healthy or unhealthy. I don't want to feed your anorexia." I think that's what pissed me off because I don't want her to say that. I want to hear the truth. I honestly don't think that this is really that big of an issue. I know it's not. I do get that it interferes with my life a bit, but I'm not unhealthy physically. My thoughts just get in the way sometimes, that's all. So I think that's what pisses me off because she doesn't get that I really don't see it as a problem. I told her that I would put myself at a 2 or a 3 on a scale of 1-10 of ED badness.

Okay, so that's all. I came up to find out that I left my refrigerator door open. Great. Good thing I bought milk. I hope my yogurt didn't go bad. Stinkers! Oh man, I have chicken in there too. Man!

Monday, August 17, 2009


I made 7 layer magic bars for my friend for her birthday. Then, I did laundry and went to see my friend who just had a baby last week. I held him when he was 3 days old. He's a cutey. I went to bring him some gifts tonight.

I promised my nephews that we'd look for shooting stars tonight. I got home and they were eating their ice cream. We went outside, but it wasn't quite dark enough yet. We loaded up on bug spray and brought the citronella candle out onto the pool deck and laid down and looked at the sky. I taught them about constellations and The Big and Little Dippers. I told them what a shooting star is. We laid out there for about 30 minutes and then it was time for bed. My older nephew, my "little Bugs" said he wanted to sleep with me tonight. I didn't know that. My mom said "be very quite and slither out of bed in the morning. The boys need their sleep." I said, "Is C. (the younger one who usually sleeps in my bed) in my bed?" She said, "No, Bugs is in there. He said I want to sleep with PTC." How cute is that?? He never wants to sleep in my bed. He likes my dad to sleep with him. I feel honored.

I finished off my night with "The Closer." It was an awesome episode too. I'll miss the season finale next week because I'll be away at camp. That blows. I'm not looking forward to this camp, but that's another post.

It's bedtime!

Having fun at home

I'm home, hanging with my nephews. We swam most of the afternoon. I am wiped. I need to make 7 layer magic bars for a friend and bring another friend a baby gift tonight. Also going to look for shooting stars with my nephews.

Haven't had dinner yet with my family. We'll eat soon. My sesh with Charro was pretty uneventful for the most part. Maybe tomorrow will be more eventful. Let's hope.

Not much to say today. I'm tired and too busy doing fun things at home.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

"You're speeding"

I seem to get that comment no matter what I'm doing. A few weeks ago I got off the bus and was walking (I walk really fast, especially for someone with short legs) and this older man (about 60) came up behind me and said "You're going to get a speeding ticket." He then proceeded to ask me out for coffee. No thanks! This morning, I went for a lovely rollerblade along Park Avenue (again, they shut it down for people to "play.") I heard this man behind me say "You're speeding." I looked at him and smiled. He said "You were going 15 1/2 miles per hour." He had a speedometer on his bike, which I thought was cool. I want one. It would be one more thing to be obsessed about.

I had such a nice time rollerblading. I got another free helmet. This one is much nicer looking than the fluorescent green one I got last week. I tried to trade that one in but they told me to keep it. Then I got a free backpack bag thing. That drawstring ones. I almost got new (free) wheels and a brake for my rollerblades but they didn't fit into my frame. My feet are too small so the wheels were rubbing against each other. They had to take them out and put my old ones back in. They didn't have a brake for me either. I really need a new pair. Mine are 13 years old. I told my mom about my day and how excited I was to almost get new wheels and stuff and told her that mine are 13 years old. She said that I probably could use a new pair. I told her that I found a really cool pair online, a good pair that are half off, but that I can't afford to buy anything right now. (The Italy trip needs to be paid off and I have a million other bills right now. All this month too. Unexpected cat vet bill and aerobics recertification stuff, which is not cheap). Anyway, my mom asked me how much they are and I told her and she said that she'd buy them for me. I said no to that and told her that I don't want her to do that for me and she said "but you're a very good daughter." I thought it was very sweet but I would feel bad if she bought them for me. I sent her the link with a picture of them and she emailed me back and said "Go for it - I will pay for them." Again I said no. My parents are the BEST!! I LOVE THEM!! That's why it kills me so much that I hurt my dad so much and made him cry when I told him I was going to see Charro. He bawled and it was horrible. Clearly it wasn't enough for me to want to change...seeing him hurt so badly. You'd think that would be enough because I care about it so much, but it wasn't. Wow, this is one huge/crazy paragraph.

I laid out for a bit when I got home. Hung out with my friend and her mom and just made blueberry buckle. I'll bring some to my mom because she LOVES it. I will also give some to Charro on Monday. :) Aren't I so nice?

So I asked Charro why she thought I looked "healthier" in my prom pictures. She really had no answer. She was like "I just equate the way you look with you eating better and being healthier and happier." I argued with her for ten minutes because she really could not give me an answer that made sense. She was like "What are you trying to get me to say? You look unhealthy and too thin (not in those words, she said it better) now?" I was like, "NO, I want to know WHY you think I look healthier there. You don't know how I was eating or how I was feeling? So for you to say that I look like my life was fuller (b/c my face was) doesn't make sense because you didn't know me or know how I was doing." I was like "I was pretty much living off dry cereal." She was like "That's not so healthy." Gee, I know. That was my point. She did not have a logical answer to my question. It was really bugging me for some reason. My point was that she had NO idea what I was like back then, how happy or unhappy I was, etc. All she could see was that my face was fat! (I think some of that was baby fat). I told her that I thought some was baby fat and she said "baby fat at 25?" I was like "I wasn't 25, I was in high school! Thanks!"

So, that was that. Tomorrow teach and play field hockey in the 100 degrees!! Woo hoo! Let's hope I don't die from dehydration. Good think I drink a lot.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The "P" words

This morning Charro decided she wanted to discuss my younger years. Yay for that. Well, I'm actually fine with that because they were fun and fine. I was fine until she asked, "Do you remember your reaction to puberty? Was puberty hard? Getting your period, developing breasts, your body changing?" EW!! Seriously, we don't need to discuss that. I laughed and said "I'm still waiting for that," in response to the "developing breasts" question. Seriously, she really likes to say that "B" word. Um, not really a topic I like to discuss. I don't even talk to my friends about my "P." Like, can we not discuss this please? I pretty much sat there and didn't say anything. But, I apparently "reacted to that by starving" myself. Not really. I was fat. My brother said "You could really stand to lose 5 pounds" and that was pretty much the start of everything. Oh well.

I had a good run to Charro's though. It was beautiful out. I was a bit sweaty when I got there but it was all good. I just washed up in the bathroom. I need to run there more often. It helps me to have a destination because I hate just running to run. I do it, but I don't like it unless I'm doing it with someone else.

So that was that. I have nothing planned for tomorrow. Sunday I will teach and go play field hockey in the 90 degree weather.


I think I have a tape worm because all I'm doing is eating. I should start writing down everything I eat, though I'm too lazy to do that. I think I should do it, though Charro would not approve because I would probably be doing it for the wrong reasons. Although, maybe it would show me that I could eat and not gain a million pounds. I don't know.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A morning run to Charro

I am running to Charro's in the morning. I hope it's not pouring rain because if it is, I probably shouldn't run there. I didn't get a good workout today. I ate too much today, although when I weighed myself before I went to the gym it wasn't bad, but now I just had a yogurt and some bruschetta and probably gained 30 pounds. Also, running to Charro's gives me a destination and I run better when I have a destination. I'm not sure I will motivate myself to run after I see her so I need to run to her! Please, don't let it rain.

I'm tempted to go weigh myself right now. I will wait a little bit and "sit with it," if you will. Blah! I hate this feeling. I'm torn between the healthy part of me and the non-healthy part. At least I'm thinking with both parts now, I think that's a first. We shall see.

I guess I have a lot I could talk to Charro about tomorrow, but I get there and forget. Maybe I'll remember.
I'm watching "Everyday Italian" on the Food Network. I think I've been eating for the past two days straight. I shouldn't be watching a cooking show. :)

I am probably not a favorite among bloggers lately, but that's okay. I've cut the crap and am just being brutally honest with people. I'm sure that's upsetting for some, but not more "blowing sunshine up your butts" (as Charro said to me the other day). I'm telling it like it is.

(why do my cats always come sit on me while I'm writing? I can't see past her lampshade.)

It's cold and rainy out. I really feel like I've been eating for the past 2 days straight. That means I want to weigh myself a hundred times to see if I'm gaining weight. I won't, maybe just one more weigh in tonight, but that would be it.

I am going to go visit a friend who is moving on Saturday. :( Then I am going to workout and then teach aerobics. She lives in the building I teach at so it's all one stop shopping.

I have to do a little more work today and that's about it. I cleaned the bathroom this morning and vacuumed yesterday so that's about it. Fun and exciting, eh?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Feeling rebellious

Field hockey was kind of stinky. We had to cut it short because it got dark really early, mainly because of the rain clouds. So, I didn't burn nearly enough calories. Stinkers!

I came home to cat puke on 2 shirts that I left on my bed. I guess that was better than having cat puke on my bed. I had to clean out my little one's lampshade because there was puke in that. I think her leg is getting better though. I got her medicine yesterday and she does lick it off if I don't get her lampshade on her.

So I just weighed myself. I know I'm not supposed to but I did it anyway. Charro would be disappointed. It's not like I need to tell her though. It's not really a big deal. I don't need to report everytime I weigh myself more than once a day. (My finger is so itchy right now, it might fall off). I don't want to disappoint her, but I guess I did. It's not like I really had to weigh myself, it was that I wanted to. I would have been okay if I didn't do it, I know that for a fact, but I get this thought in my head that says "I know I'm not supposed to do this and that I will be disappointing Charro, but I can choose to do what I want to do and I can make my own decisions" so I just do it. It's more of a rebellious act than anything else. Like "you told me I can't weigh myself so I'm going to do it anyway." Childish, huh?

I made short list of things I want to talk to Charro about on Friday. There's nothing really exciting in there and it will give us maybe like 5 minutes of material, but that's ok.

I could write how I feel right now, but that would be me just saying how fat and gross I feel. Which would mean that I should really just be saying [geez], [argh] or [yikes]. That doesn't really get me anywhere though so I'll stop writing. Maybe I'll come up with something good to talk to Charro about before Friday morning.

Blueberry soup and bruschetta

I made blueberry soup and bruschetta today. Fun. My cat stole my seat. She's sleeping soundly so I won't disturb her.

I showed Charro my fat pictures last night, ones of me that are from high school. She said that I look "healthy" and that she thinks I look "much better" there. What does that mean? Seriously, I need to ask her why she thinks I look healthier. It's not like my hair is shinier or my skin is different. She must mean it because my face is fat. Um, I'm not going to let me face look like that again, that's for sure.

I think I'm annoyed today. Possibly annoyed by listening to my tape with Charro. She must get so annoyed with me. She should. I would. I get annoyed by ED people so she must hate me.

I'm going to ask her if she could tell my parents that there is no reason for them to worry about me. I am fine. Yes, mentally I may be a little messed up, but physically, I am fine. I'm not falling over and passing out, not starving myself, not lacking energy. I'm physically fine.

I fell asleep on my floor before and drooled. That was gross.

Ohhh, :( my cat just fell off the chair.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

All about commitment

My sesh with Charro (I almost wrote "My Charro with sesh") [geez], was eh. She wanted to see some pictures of me from when I thought I was fat. My face WAS fat, but I do think some of that had to do with the age I was. Anyway, I showed her a bunch of pictures and she said I looked "much better and healthier." I need to ask her what that means. What makes me look "healthier?" My fat face?

Charro didn't bring in dessert tonight. I was expecting it, but nothing. Yay, maybe she won't bring it in ever. I have a feeling she's going to try and catch me off guard with it.

She went off on a tangent about stuff right before I was about to leave. She just kept on talking, which was good because I really didn't have any response to what she was saying. I got up and left. The last thing I said, after she went off on her spiel, was something about letting her have the last word, though it probably wasn't too helpful for me. She told me to remember everything for Friday so we could continue. Blah!

It all pretty much boiled down to making commitment to changing and how I'm not ready to do that because I don't really think I have a problem. I think that was about it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Lots of "boxes"

Charro told me this morning that I should say [Geez], [Argh], or [Yikes] whenever I have an "ED thought." Let me explain, when I had to keep my FFJ (food and feelings journal) for her she wrote "Geez" and put a box around it. So, I started making fun of her and then she wrote "yikes" and "argh" in boxes one time. So, [geez] turned into me saying "Geez in a box." Then I made her a [Geez] in a box, which I think I need to take a picture of. I'll have to bring my camera to her office to take a picture of it. She LOVED the [GEEZ] I made her. She said "Everyone should have one."

She brought me cookies today too. She pulled them out of her bag and she said "Here are your cookies. They got a little squished." I said "Oooh, they look gooey. I like them gooey." She said that she does too. I ate one on the train. They are good! Yum.

I sent her an email on Friday to tell her NOT to put the butter in the microwave to "soften" it. So today she said "I stuck the butter between some of my winter sweaters to soften it because I was running out of time." Okay, absolutely hysterical!! Can she be any funnier? Then I asked her about the mixer she bought and she said that her hand got tired and cramped from holding it. She did she that she didn't realize how fun baking is. She liked it, especially now because she "has a big sweet tooth."

We talked about real stuff too. I need to listen to the tape. We talked about weighing, puking, how I can't deal with ED people anymore.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Just random, stupid stuff

I think I might need to weigh myself tonight. I'm not supposed to but it happens. I just need to know what I'm in store for tomorrow morning when I wake up.

Field hockey didn't get rained out, which was very nice. It is so muggy out so I was so drenched in sweat. I love that. I love when it's just dripping off of me. There was a cruise ship leaving the port while we were playing. I really want to just hop on board. I love cruises!! I love them so much.

I have to pick up medicine for my cat tomorrow when I'm home. The vet here, which charged a freaking arm and a leg the other day, charges 35 dollars for the medicine that I can get at home for 13 dollars. Never again will I take them to the vet here. It cost me $260 dollars, and that's with the $75 off. I can take both of my cats to the vet for their complete check up at home for less than that.

I don't know what to talk to Charro about tomorrow. I always have this problem. Well, not always, but a lot. I am sure I have stuff to talk about but I just have to figure out what it is. (I feel like doing push-ups right now. Okay, that was random). I'm tired, maybe I should go to bed.

Sorry I've been a bad blogger friend when it comes to commenting. I am just having a very hard time dealing with peoples' EDs right now. I just can't handle it. I'm still reading, just not commenting, so I apologize.

Okay, bedtime. Charro tomorrow, train ride home, office, pool, some other stuff that I have to do but can't remember what it is I have to do.

**Just weighed myself. I weigh 2-thousand freaking pounds. Lovely. I know some of it is due to my hydration factor, all that sweating and water drinking, but seriously, it is awful. I guess I will have something to talk about with Charro tomorrow, provided I fit through her door. I probably won't fit through the door. Maybe I'll take a 10 pound shit or something. Something needs to happen and happen like overnight because if I wake up weighing more than 100 pounds I will flip. Flip I tell ya!! As of right now, it looks as though I will be flipping!! [Argh!!]

Jumping on the bandwagon

I made amazing bruschetta yesterday with the tomatoes I picked off of my tomato plant. I have two more ready to pick and 2 more green ones on there. I only had a total of 4. I picked 2 jalapenos off my pepper plant and have 2 bell peppers too.

I had a dream last night, and I don't remember the details now, but I know I was super pissed at my mother. I'm sure Charro would love to hear about that, because "they" love to pin everything on the moms, but I won't tell her because I don't know what it was about.

I got a thorn in my finger the other day and I picked at it for a while, now I think it's infected. Not a good thing for someone with staph in the body already.

Ohh, Martina is on GAC, the song "Blessed." I heart Martina!!

I went to bed pretty hungry last night. I don't care. I woke up at 4 AM (to pee) and was still hungry. I don't care. Hey, everyone else is being self-destructive so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon. I saw whatevs!

Field hockey today, if it doesn't get rained out. I hope not. I REALLY want to play. I have to teach aerobics this morning, come home and play later. My cat apparently likes my shin guards because she keeps laying on them. They can't smell too good.

I think it's raining. I hope it stops before 10 AM.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Bike ride

I went for a nice bike ride this morning. They (the City) closed down Park Avenue for a while for a fun day. They will be doing it for the next two weeks. So, I rode downtown and over the Brooklyn Bridge. I took some pics.

I haven't been too much into the blogging thing lately. I can't really deal with reading blogs these days. Sorry guys, but my brain just needs some freedom.

With that said, if you haven't read my Charro cookies post, read it. It's funny!! At least I think it is. :)

Friday, August 07, 2009

That was an experience

I went to a movie in the park with a friend. We were walking to the subway station after and we were in the heart of Greenwich Village. I'm usually not one to describe someone by their color, but for this post it's a must or it won't make sense.

We were walking and, for those of you who don't know, The Village is a very gay area of the we were walking and these two black girls walked by us. One grabbed me. I didn't know what happened. At first I thought she just bumped into me by accident, but when I turned back to look she was looking at me and said something. Then I thought she was trying to grab my bag. (all of these thoughts went through my head in an instant). It wasn't until my friend said told me what the girl had said. She said, "Hey lady, I want some milk with my coffee." Hence why I needed to write that she was black because that pick up line wouldn't have made sense otherwise.

Charro's cookie making

I had a funny sesh with Charro this morning. We were both kind of funny. It first started with her hair. She puts most of it behind her back so the shorter parts are in the front. So, the other day I asked her if she "got her hairs cut" because I couldn't tell if it was cut or behind her head. She said it was behind her. So today I said that it looked like her hair was short again and she said "I look good in a bob? I had a bob for years." At the same time we both started laughing at the word "bob" and it was funny.

Then we were talking about my trip to Italy and she said "Please don't run, but if you do, don't mention my name." LOL. She always tells me that people do not run around the streets in Italy. I told her I was going to make a shirt that said "Honk if you know Charro" and wear it. Then I told her I was going to weigh myself on the scale at the airport and she said "Don't mention my name." It was funny.

Then we were talking about cookie dough and how she thinks it's so gross how people eat it raw. I don't know how this came about. Oh, probably because I told her I like to eat brownie mix with just water. So she said, "I have to tell you something that I'm very excited about. Tomorrow, I'm making cookies for the very first time by myself." It was so cute. She was so excited. I told her that she better bring me one on Monday. She goes "If I don't eat them all. Will they still be good?" Um, they don't go bad in one day. Ha! Then she said "I shouldn't have told you, now there's pressure on me."

Oh, her baby was kicking today too. I am so going to miss Charro when she's gone. :(

I told her that I have a chart, that I made my own and she said "and how has that changed your life?" I said, "It hasn't." So, that was about as far as we went with that.

Okay, I think that was about it. There were a million other funny things that happened but there are all stories behind them so there's no point in talking about them.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

So you chugged the water?

I have nothing to blog about. I could write about how I feel disgustingly fat and would like to puke right now, but I won't. I could, "accidentally on purpose" throw. I don't want to have to tell Charro that I "threw" though. That would totally suck a big butt. I might have to weigh myself tonight though, just to see so I'm not completely overwhelmed with the horrific number in the morning. Blah!

I remember the first time I went to see Charro and I had to tell her that I "threw" two nights prior to seeing her. I can remember that night like it was yesterday. Jen was in the hospital, my boyfriend was coming to stay with me (I was cat sitting in NYC, prior to my living here), and I was freaking out. So I "chugged the water." I had to tell Charro and she said, "So you chugged that water?!" I was like, I really needed to hear her say that. I was traumatized enough just being there.

So here I am. Charro tomorrow. Should I bring MY chart that I made with me for show and tell? :)

(Just weighed myself. Confirmation that I do weigh a million pounds. Okay, not a million but a lot more than I want to).

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

"They" have charts...

And so do I now. :) The other day Charro said that she would give me one of those charts that I want so badly. Unfortunately she changed her mind a few minutes later and decided that I'd be better off without it because I would be too obsessive.

Well, in the spirit of getting back at the people who won't give me the damn chart, I made my own. That's right people, I can do math. I made my own chart so now, "I" have charts too. :) Well, I really only have one chart, but it sounds better when you make it plural. Yay for me for making a chart because I was bored and because I want to be like "Ha, I made my own chart, so there!" Yes, I am 5 years old. :) I love it!

(oh, I only made the chart for my height. No need to do more math than necessary).

And I woke up :(

I was having this intense dream early this morning and I woke up right in the middle of it. I was so mad because I wanted to know what happened. Anyway, here's what happened until I woke up...

I went to the doctor with two ladies, one is this woman I am friendly with from my gym at home. The other, well, I don't know who she was. Ha. At least I can't remember now who she was. Anyway, Patty and this other lady were going to get blood drawn so I went with them. I think I had to have something checked out but I'm not too sure. We all went into the examining room together, and it was a really big room. They started getting their blood drawn and I was told to lay down on the bed things that they have. They got out the blood pressure machine and were about to take my BP. I had 2 nurses and a doctor looking after me, which I thought was a little extensive. I got nervous because I knew they were having me lay down and were going to take my blood pressure and then have me stand up and take it again. I knew that if they did that that they'd start to think something was wrong. Oh, I think at one point I had said that I had high cholesterol, which might have led them to want to take my BP, I'm not sure. I don't think they ever took my BP, but I was laying there and one of the nurses started pricking each of my right toes, going down the line from my pinky toe to my big toe. I was like "What are you doing? I'm not supposed to be getting anything done to me." She was taking blood. Then she started taking little bits of blood from other parts of my body. She said they wanted to check my cholesterol. The three of them seemed concerned about me. One said something, I don't know if it was to me or to another doctor, about how I have "tanorexia." I said, "What?" because I wasn't sure if she said "TAN" or "AN" and when I heard her again I knew she said "Tanorexia." I knew she was trying to state that I was anorexic though. The doc and nurses chatted more and kept doing things to me and they seemed concerned. That's when I woke up. I was so pissed. I wanted to know what happened!!! 5:15 AM and I was awake. YUCK!

I woke up this morning and received an email from Charro. She didn't bring dessert last night, I don't remember if I wrote about that, because they didn't have what she wanted to bring. She's going to bring it another time. Anyway, she told me that I should have dessert when I get home. I was like "Yeah right" and then said that I might get some fro yo or something on my way home. Well, they didn't have what I wanted so I opted to make a protein shake. Well, when I got home and sat down, I decided that I didn't want the shake, I didn't need the calories, and I didn't want it to affect my weight. I emailed Charro to weed through my thoughts and this is what I received from her.

Hi, It sounds like you challenged yourself in deciding to have dessert and then planning what to have. I think that's a very good first challenge, and it's a step closer to you actually having the dessert. Here are a few of the ED thoughts that I picked up on in your email that are really worth a challenge:
I don't need the extra calories.
It will affect the scale in the morning.
I would feel bad if I had something to eat and you didn't.
Start working (writing down more realistic responses that you might give your nieces and nephews, Tibbles, etc.) on coming up with a different perspective on these and we'll talk more about it on Friday. I understand it's hard, but I have every faith that you can challenge and kick this ED to the curb. Thanks again for a delicious meal, See you Friday,

BTW, I did end up making half a serving of a protein shake and had some blueberries.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Dinner, no dessert

I made dinner for Charro tonight. I made pannecotta (cannelloni beans, escarole and fresselles). It's an italian dish. She was supposed to bring dessert but apparently they didn't have it when she got there and they told her to go back in an hour, she couldn't so we didn't have dessert. Clearly I was sooo upset about that. lol! She said she would surprise me with it another day. She thought about breakfast but I think she's just going to bring it next Tuesday. Fun! I think it might be apple pie or something because she said "it's all American" and asked me if I like pie.

So, dinner wasn't bad at all because it's totally something I eat anyway.

Yesterday I asked Charro if she was going to try and lose weight after she has her baby, since she said that she "doesn't like thin people." She said that she "wasn't going to try but she probably would because she cares about what she looks like." She will probably be back to her pre-baby weight 2 weeks after she gives birth. I hate people like that. At least I won't see her until 2 months after.

Yesterday Charro said that I can email her while she's gone. That made me feel good. I told her that she doesn't need to respond to my emails (she said she would, but didn't know how promptly) and that she could ignore them. She said it might be good for me to email her and keep that connection and flow of communication going. I think it would totally be good for me to email her so she knows what's going on, even if she doesn't respond. I told her that I'd "feel bad" emailing her and I wouldn't want to do it and she said, "I wouldn't tell you it was okay if it wasn't." We'll discuss that more, I'm sure. She hasn't mentioned anything about seeing her "covering person" to me. I guess she knows that I won't do it.

So that was that. I told her I was going to check myself into an outpatient program while she's gone. I was kidding, of course. I forgot what she said so I'm gonna have to go to the audio tape! More later, perhaps.

Oh, so last night at this work event, I took a shower in the locker room, after going to the beach, and put my dress on. I haven't worn this dress since last summer and it apparently grew. Shoulder straps never fit me and always fall off of my shoulders, but this was bad. They were falling completely down and causing my dress to almost fall off. One of the women who was in the locker room locked the clasp on the back of my dress for me and she was like "It's too big. Did you lose weight?" It was definitely a wardrobe issue. Thank goodness I had a sweater to wear over it because it could have been disastrous. Plus, it was freezing in there...I knew it would be because it as like an ice box last year. It was 95% men at this event so my dress falling down would have been interesting.

A day in the office

This was the sky the other day during a bad storm.

I had to spend the day at the beach for work yesterday. Tough, right? The waves, riptide and undertoe were very bad and I saw the lifeguards make many rescues. I got tossed around and I was only up to my knees. My bikini bottoms fell off and ended up at my ankles many times too.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

One word...

FAT!! That's how I look and feel right now...And I HATE it!! I just want to feel and look skinny. I'm FAT! It so grosses me out. I should weigh myself to see how fat I am. I hate it.

I have to go to bed and wake up and see Charro.

Missing days

I don't know why I keep blogging because I don't have anything to say. Whatever, I have nothing else to do right now, so I will write about nothing.

Charro - "I don't really like thin people. Well, not that I don't like them, it's just not my aesthetic preference." Ha!! With that said, I would like to ask her how she'd feel about gaining 30 pounds. If she would try to lose it or not? If she's going to actively try and lose her baby weight or just do nothing. I would love to know the answer to that if she really does not care about how much she weighs or being skinny. I should write that down so I remember to ask her.

I have to go out to dinner tonight and I don't want to. I have to go to a work function/dinner tomorrow night too. Ugh, lots of food, but tons of fresh fruit, which I LOVE!! Tuesday night I am cooking dinner for Charro and me. Yay, three dinners in a row, that's really not that fun. At least I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. I'm not even hungry though, and I have to go to dinner in 2 and a half hours.

I have to leave Charro's early tomorrow to catch the train to Long Island for this work thing. I hate when I have to leave early but it happens.

Oh no, I just realized that I'm going to miss Charro twice right before her maternity leave. Ugh, I have to go to Boston for work and I'll miss two days. I hate that. HATE that. I'm also going to miss some days at the end of this month because of my coaching job. Oh man, I feel like I have no time with her as it is and now I'm going to miss like 5 sesh's before she goes. That sucks!! Then I'll only get to see her once a week when she gets back in January. Ugh!! Why do I even bother going anymore? It's not like I'm going to get anywhere.

So, I don't know how you guys still read my blog. I say the same things over and over again and you must totally get fed up and frustrated and sick of it. So, I can understand if you stop reading. I would totally get it.