Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Oh I wish...

I wish Charro could just make all of this ED crap go away. I don't think I can do it. I still just want to be skinny and lose weight, so trying to put all of this other stuff aside is too hard. Plus, it's too hard to work on changing everything, it's much easier to just be this way.

Charro wants me to get back to weighing myself only once a day. She must think I'm so juvenile for not being able to do that. I feel childish sometimes because I refuse to eat things and freak out about things that I shouldn't freak out about. I want to weigh myself right now. I feel gross and I want confirmation and I want to know my weight. For the first time in a while, well starting with my mini breakdown a few weeks ago, I want to lose weight. I don't feel thin enough. I feel like I need to get skinny.

I hope I have a good sesh with Charro on Friday. It's funny, now that she's back, I feel like I could go everyday. When she was gone I found it nice not going. Now I like going. That's how I am, I guess, sort of all or nothing.

Cat is on my lap now. Time to stop typing.

But first, sometimes I wonder if the people who take my aerobics class think I have an ED. My face looks skinny in those mirrors, especially now that I'm tan. I don't think it looks thin in pictures but in those mirrors it does. My body doesn't look like I have an ED so I don't see why the people who take my class would think I do.

Anyway, that's it. I thought about posting a pic of myself on here but I decided not too.

8 comments:

Jackie said...

You SHOULD post a picture - you are beautiful. And it might be good to let unbiased readers remind you of that since you don't believe it yourself. xoxo

Jena said...

Sweetheart, I wholeheartedly agree with Jackie. You SHOULD post a pic! You are a gorgeous gal (I know) and I know that your perception of yourself is off... you believe something that isn't the truth in other people's minds. Please don't be so hard on yourself. So many people would die to have your figure.

PTC said...

Thanks Jax. I just don't know if anyone I know will see that it's me, though they shouldn't. I'm just paranoid I guess.

Thanks Jenners!

hungry for hunger said...

"My body doesn't look like I have an ED"

Now, just remember that you aren't actually a very good judge of what you look like, such is the nature of this ducks

PTC said...

Ducks quack!

CookieGirl said...

aw, I want to see you!! I usually imagine you as a younger kelly rippa...that doesn't look as though I spelled it right. you know who I mean!

In other news, I have an idea for you. Could you get a day job? One that keeps you out of your apartment and away from the scale 9-5? I know it's not the ideal life, but the schedule and constantly being around, and often eating with other people has helped me tremendously. Could you ever try something like that for a few weeks?

PTC said...

Ah CG. I will email you a pic if you like? I wish I looked like Kelly Ripa. Send me your email address and I will email you.

I do have a day job! :) I just work out of my apt. I have 2 other jobs too, in addition to my "real" job.

CookieGirl said...

that is a lot of jobs, lol. I guess working from home leaves you with the lure of the scale in the other room all day though? I would love to see you! please do email me, it's gatsbysdarling at gmail.