Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Lack of sleep and a wasted hour

I am sleepy. I haven't slept well the past two nights and on Monday morning I was woken up early by pee in my bed. (not mine). I woke up at 4:30 this morning and it took me a while to fall back to sleep. Then I woke up early to go to the Today Show but ended up not going. Martina is going to be on but the guys I'm friends with who work for her isn't there so I didn't go. Good thing I texted him.

Yesterday I went to Coney Island. It's a cool place. It's like you go into a time warp and I love that feeling. I love the olden days and I can picture what this place must have been like back in its hay day. It's just a cool feeling. I didn't bring my camera. I wish I had.

I got home from there with just enough time to shower and have dinner. I made a shake and had some salad. I left my apartment at 5 for my 6 PM appt. and I walked there. I knew I wouldn't make it in time if I walked so I ran half of it and walked half and had plenty of time to spare.

Once again I didn't really talk about anything with Charro. Great, another wasted hour, but what do I have to say? I don't know. I told her that I did what I had to do in order to get back to my weight. She says I need to not do those things, obviously. I don't know what else she said, I'll have to listen to the tape. She said that I only "felt" like I "had" to do those things and that I didn't really have to. Well, I did. I HAD to!! She doesn't get it. I just don't know what to talk about in there.

I told Charro that we need to have another dinner so we can talk about Italy, since I've planned my trip. She said "We'll have to have an Italian meal." I said that I would make it. I hope she doesn't insist on bringing dessert, that would not be good. Ugh, she'd probably get gelato or something too, if there is a freezer in her office. I think there's a fridge but not sure about a freezer. I refuse to have gelato until I am IN Italy!! I want that to be my first experience with it.

Oh, I told her I was already worried about what I'm going to do when I start to freak out when I'm in Italy. It will happen about day four because I won't have a scale and I won't be working out the way I'd like to be and I'll be eating. Ugh...that all equals a major freakout and I will have NO one to freak out to. I can't even email her because she will be on maternity leave. Oh dear!! The two girls I'm going with have no idea about me. One is my friend and the other is her friend whom I've met twice. Oh well. Definitely can't let them see me freak out.

So, that's it. I need a nap already.

6 comments:

now.is.now said...

Ha, I need a nap already too and it's 6:38am as I type this.

Wait - so you have a planned trip to Italy lined up? I totally missed that happening! When are you going?

I went to Italy when I was in more of an ED mode with 3 people who had no idea about me either. One of them ended up yelling at me for not eating. She essentially ended up begging me to eat. The other one ended up confronting me, opening the confrontation by telling me that she had an eating disorder in high school or something. We would be at restaurants, I would hesitate before eating, and someone would say, in an exasperated tone, "Dont' think - just eat! Who cares?! Why do you do this to yourself?!" Stuff like that. It was a very confrontational trip to say the least.

Italy will be wonderful in so many ways, but it will also be hard for you with no scale. You'll do tons and tons of walking, but still. When do you go? You need to really think this all through before you leave - like how you're going to deal with no scale, no food control, and no working out. You shouldn't let it stop you from going, but you just have to think it through and come up with some mantras or strategies or something for when you're there.

Oh, I also lived in Spain in a homestay when I was in college and pretty restrictive with my food. The program I went there with ended up confronting me, telling me I had to stop losing weight or they'd send me home. People confronted me on a daily basis actually. But after that initial month of letting ED rule the experience, I ended up being super healthy (comparatively). Because I lived with a homestay, I was forced to eat 3 meals - not prepared by me. I couldn't skip anything. And this sort of opened my eyes to what I had been missing by restricting. When I came back from Spain, it was my first real conscious attempt to try to eat a little more normally (failed miserably but at least the intent was there). Maybe a similar thing will happen to you with Italy - you'l be traveling with 2 people who will be eating regular meals - so you'll just join them. Maybe even though it will be hard, it'll be good for you. Maybe?

Definitely bring a journal or SOMETHING when in Italy. Or something to remind yourself why you're there (you're not there for ED stuff).

PTC said...

Yes, I have a trip planned for Nov. 28th. I just have to book it. Waiting for our third person confirmation and then we're good to go. 9 nights!!

You've been all over the place. I can't believe you lived in Japan too. I forgot to mention that in your comment.

I'll eat when I am there, because I love Italian food...I'm Italian afterall, so I will eat. I will feel gross, fat, gross, fat and will need to walk all over the place and hopefully run sometimes, though it will be too cold out. I told charro i was looking at hotels with gyms and she yelled at me. Honestly, I would love to come back from there having lost weight!! Can that be my goal? I want to enjoy myself too, of course. I hate all this ED shit! It sucks!

Zena said...

November 28th...thats my Birthday, you can have fun for me too...K? I didnt realize the trip was official, Im so slack. All this ED stuff does suck!! YOu are really doing pretty well acknowledging it lately for a while there I thought you were in the state of DE NI AL, and i aint talking about the river here. No really though, I remember when you went to france I think last year and you had a great time, you were able to eat normal...realitivly, not freak out ...that much:) and have a pretty good time, Do you think you are in the same head space that you were last yr when you traveled? What is it about being out of your element that makes teh best come out of us?? I would definately not make losing wieght your goal, but as I have told you before I wouldnt be suprized if that happened becuase as I have said eating more on a regular basis, revs your metabilism, thus causeing wieght loss...yes yes I know take my own advice but at least I can share my wealth of knowledge with those I love.

Love,Ya

Z

PTC said...

I just planned the trip Monday night and haven't written about it, until now, so that's why you didn't know. I will be away (hopefully) for my b-day as well. No birthday wishes overseas for me.

I am defintely weighing myself less than I was last time at this year, before I went to Amsterdam. I don't know what point I'll be at come the end of Novemeber. I'm obsessive and want to lose weight, that's all I know.

hungry for hunger said...

Fortunato Brothers in Brooklyn has fan-frickin-tastic gelato, FYI.

And this yo, She said that I only "felt" like I "had" to do those things and that I didn't really have to. Well, I did. I HAD to!! She doesn't get it.

Oh, she gets it. Nope. You don't have to. Booger.

PTC said...

I'll go there when you and your wiffi (wife, not wi-fi) come to visit.

I did HAVE to do it. I needed to lose some lbs so it had to be done. I still feel like it has to be done, even though I got back (mostly) to where I want to be.