Friday, July 31, 2009

The skinny on the skinny

Everytime I leave Charro's office I say to myself, "next time my goal is to talk." I just want to use the time I have in there and use it wisely, but I get into the office and I talk about nothing. I talk about stupid stuff. Occasionally we get into something, but for the most part I talk about nothing. I don't know why I can't talk.

I want to be normal, but the fear of gaining weight is too much for me. I can't do it. I don't think I can even try. I don't think I could sit down and force myself to eat like I'm "supposed" to. I've never really loved food. It's not something I look forward to. If I'm starving then I'm like "I need food now," but for the most part it's just something I have to partake in occasionally.

Why is it when you see (or maybe it is just I), when I, see an anorexic girl walking down the street, and I see a LOT of them, I don't want to eat? Hmm. Well, it didn't stop me from eating today because I was starving, but it definitely makes me think about not eating. I look at the girl and have a few thoughts pass through my head. First thought is, oh, I wish I could be thin like that. Second thought; Poor girl. Third thought; I should not be eating so I can get skinny.

I saw this tiny girl walking with her mom today. Funny thing is that I think I saw her twice, in two different outfits. I'm pretty sure it was the same girl. The first time I couldn't tell if she was older or younger, the second time I realized she was younger. She was skinny and I was jealous, that's all I know.

I guess that's it. The first half of this post was written yesterday, while I was thinking about things to maybe talk to Charro about. I wasn't going to post it but whatevs, I am.

7 comments:

now.is.now said...

I think it's great that you posted it. I don't know why you can't talk either, but I think it's a positive thing that you know you WANT to talk. Keep using this blog as a way to figure out what it is you want to talk about. You'll get there. You won't live the rest of your life trapped like this. I know you'll get there. Keep thinking through what it is you want to talk about. Keep thinking through what you want and what you have to do to get there.

xoxoxo

PTC said...

Can't you just go in there and talk for me?

Eating Alone said...

If she agree's she can go to mine as well.

PTC said...

Maybe we should start a group!! :) Haha, I said something about the FAA the other day, but instead of FAA I said FFA (Future Farmers of America). So, I corrected myself and Charro said, "The Food and Feelings Association." LOL. She totally made that up on the fly. I loved it. She said I should start that group.

now.is.now said...

I would LOVE!!!!!!! TO COME TO CHARRO WITH YOU.

now.is.now said...

If only it wasn't a five day drive away....

PTC said...

Come on down. Maybe I wouldn't let you talk. I'd make you just sit there and suffer as I say nothing.