Friday, July 31, 2009

The skinny on the skinny

Everytime I leave Charro's office I say to myself, "next time my goal is to talk." I just want to use the time I have in there and use it wisely, but I get into the office and I talk about nothing. I talk about stupid stuff. Occasionally we get into something, but for the most part I talk about nothing. I don't know why I can't talk.

I want to be normal, but the fear of gaining weight is too much for me. I can't do it. I don't think I can even try. I don't think I could sit down and force myself to eat like I'm "supposed" to. I've never really loved food. It's not something I look forward to. If I'm starving then I'm like "I need food now," but for the most part it's just something I have to partake in occasionally.

Why is it when you see (or maybe it is just I), when I, see an anorexic girl walking down the street, and I see a LOT of them, I don't want to eat? Hmm. Well, it didn't stop me from eating today because I was starving, but it definitely makes me think about not eating. I look at the girl and have a few thoughts pass through my head. First thought is, oh, I wish I could be thin like that. Second thought; Poor girl. Third thought; I should not be eating so I can get skinny.

I saw this tiny girl walking with her mom today. Funny thing is that I think I saw her twice, in two different outfits. I'm pretty sure it was the same girl. The first time I couldn't tell if she was older or younger, the second time I realized she was younger. She was skinny and I was jealous, that's all I know.

I guess that's it. The first half of this post was written yesterday, while I was thinking about things to maybe talk to Charro about. I wasn't going to post it but whatevs, I am.

Pretty much nothing to say

I don't really have much to say these days so there's really no point in me blogging, hence the lack of it.

I went to Charro this morning. I made her some lemonade. She said it was good but she might have been lying. I don't know. I don't care really, it was the thought that counts. I figured she could use some homemade lemonade since her favorite lemonade diner closed down.

I'm making dinner for us on Tuesday. She never mentioned anything about dessert so I am so hoping she doesn't surprise me with dessert. Usually I bring the dinner and she brings the dessert but lets hope that's not the case this time.

Like I said, I don't really have much to say. I told Charro that I can not find "their charts" online anywhere. She wanted to know why I want them so badly and I told her that I like to know where I am. She said "Where you are in terms of what? Well, we talked about it. If you're 5 feet, which I know lately you've grown but, your 90% is 102. So you should probably be higher than that because that's 90%. I think you're set weight, if you were allow yourself to eat normally, would be between 105-110." So, I'm not really sure if she thinks I'm 102 or what, but I would most certainly be fired if she knew I was more like 85%.

So, that was that conversation. I am still determined to get my hands on that chart somehow!!

I have to go to a birthday dinner tonight, which I have for a couple of reasons. The first, everyone will be eating a ton and drinking and I will get one thing that costs less than 10 dollars and will end up having to pay like 50 dollars. It's REALLY annoying. I don't have 50 bucks to shell out, plus I don't really even know this girl that well. I've played field hockey with her a few times, that's about it. Then, I don't know if I'm supposed to buy her a gift. Like I said, I don't know her well at all. I bought her a card, is that enough?? The third reason I don't want to go (tonight), is because we are going to get horrible storms again and I don't want to have to trek out in them. Hopefully they will be over by then. They are supposed to be very severe.

That's about it. I'm tired.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

ED test

We've been having crazy storms tonight. One storm definitely had some funky looking and swirling moving clouds. I was telling my mom about how weird looking they were and how they had a funky upward, swirling motion to them. 15 minutes later, a crawl came across the screen warning about the storms and how "rotation in the clouds was spotted." Who needs weather people when you have me?!

I finished my ED continuing education test for my aerobics certification. It was so interesting to read the book. I learned a lot of things, not things I didn't know before but just stuff that I was unaware of maybe. There's too much in it to talk to about. I can't remember everything I'd want to say and I didn't feel like writing it all down. Oh well.

Field hockey obviously got rained out. My calories burned for this week are gonna suck big time!! Not good. Whatever.

My cat is still eating her leg. Charro is looking very pregnant these days. I don't know what I'm going to do without her come November. I really don't. I am not going to see her "covering person" though. I'll survive 2 months without her.

Not a fun sesh

I haven't really felt like blogging lately, or being on my computer for that matter. I've been bad at checking blogs too. I guess I just need a little break sometimes.

I went back to the doctor yesterday because my staph infection came back. I have these gross bumps that look like zits on my leg and back. The one on my back is the worst one and looks like a big white head zit and I just want to pop it. People are going to see it and be grossed out. The doc gave me a prescription for some cream.

My sesh with Charro was not fun. She said "anorexia" five or six times, not something I really enjoyed. She also threw my name in a sentence, and I hate when she does that. That always means she's being serious. (Name wasn't put in a sentence with "anorexia" though, I think it might have been "eating disorder" instead). Great! So, that was that. I was not very thrilled to be in there and spent much of the time with a pillow or my arm over my head. I hate having to look at Charro sometimes. I was also staring at the wall in front of me. (I lie on the couch so I'm not facing her, but I usually turn my head to look her way).

That's really it. I have no milk for breakfast and I don't feel like running out to get it. Maybe my neighbor has some I can use.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I saw "your" charts

I had my sesh with Charro this morning. It was okay. For some reason we got on the topic of "their charts." You know, the charts that ED therapists and doctors and stuff use to tell if your underweight or in the correct range for your height and weight. The ones that tell you if you are 85% or 90% of your ideal weight. Well, I always say "you have charts" because one time she said "WE have charts." I was like "Yes you do, and so do we!"

Anyway, we were talking about her charts and I said how she won't let me see it. (It's on her wall in front of her desk at the office I was at today). She said, "I'll show you!" So she went up there and was like "You're 5 feet. You should weigh 113 pounds. At 102 you'd be 90% and that's the lowest you should be." Well, I didn't correct her and tell her that I'm 5 feet half an inch, which would mean I should weigh more than what she says I should weigh (102 at the very least, according to "her charts"), which I don't weigh anyway. I'm a few pounds under that and a bit taller than 5 feet so, well, I don't need to explain. So, that was that. I've been trying to find her chart online, but I can't. She told me the name of it but I'm not finding it. I was like "You just told me the name. She said "It's not secret." Ha! She said that she just wants me to stop focusing on numbers so much.

I hopped on the train after Charro and the stupid thing was stuck for a half hour because of downed wires or something to do with the wires. I assume the problems were caused by the storms last night. We had some really bad storms.

Now I am doing laundry. I will work on my puzzle and watch The Closer. My nephews are here too. I said goodbye to my nieces today. :( They are so cute. I am sleepy!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Seriously, is this day over?

I had a sort of bad day, not really bad, just things didn't go right.

I taught aerobics and that was fine. Came home and did laundry but the stupid washing machine didn't do a spin cycle. Everything was drenched, I literally rung it all out. I put my stuff in the dryer, it didn't dry all the way, I had to leave for field hockey so my friend got it out for me. I think my clothes smell and didn't get clean. Walked to the subway on the way back from field hockey, got caught in a torrential downpour/thunderstorm, the subway wasn't running, got on the bus just in time, it started really pouring, maybe hailing, lots of wind. Got home to take a shower, broke my shower rod, floor completely soaked. Nothing to eat, friend brought me a veggie burger because she didn't want me to starve. Wasn't hungry, ate it because I sort of had to and am still in a pissy mood about all of this. (everything, not the veggie burger). GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Saturday, July 25, 2009


I was hanging out with my next door neighbor last night, who happens to be one of my good friends by the way, and she and I were talking about body weight and stuff. (She happens to be a psychologist and is well aware of my eating issues). So, we were talking and I asked her (this was not a random question, she was talking about it, but not about me) if she could really tell if someone was at 85% of their body weight. She said yes. I said, "I don't look like I'm at 85%" and she said "I can tell your underweight because your face looks really thin." I didn't say anything, but walked over to the mirror to look. She said "You love that I said that, don't you? You're having a party right now." I said nothing but then started laughing because she was right. She said "I totally called you out on that." It was kind of a funny thing.

So, today I stopped by when I got back from the beach. I said, "okay, I'm going to go make dinner." She asked me what I was going to make and I didn't want to answer her. I paused for a second and said "A protein shake or veggies." She responded with, "You used to eat real dinners." I had no response. It was a little sad, actually. I did say, "Well, I don't have any food and I like my shakes." She just gave me a look.

I had a lot to eat tonight. I had my shake, some spinach, fruit, and lots of kettle corn. That was a lot of food and I think I'm still hungry. What that??

The beach was fun but we had to get out of the water because the undertoe and riptide was too dangerous. Lifeguards made everyone get out, then eventually let us go back in, but only up to our knees. It was pretty rough out there, but I had SO much fun playing in the waves when we were allowed to. We saw the lifeguards go out and "rescue" someone. I don't know how in danger the person was, but the lifeguards hustled out and got her.

So, that's that. I feel fat a little bit and I want to weigh myself, but I won't.

Beach day


Friday, July 24, 2009

I have no title for this

I left the gym with a pounding headache last night, it finally went away completely today.

I went to Charro this morning. I was so tired because I woke up at 5 AM a bit hungry. (I was hungry because I didn't eat dinner, I know that, but I felt like doody when I got home from the gym and just wanted to sleep). I told Charro that that's why I was hungry. She said that I should have eaten dinner, I know that. I just can't get myself to do it because I know I should. That's not enough for me. Oh well.

I love Charro. She's looking really pregnant now. It was funny, we were talking about spiders and she hates them, but she was saying how she "loves" spiders because they are "good luck" where she's from. I was like "What? You!!" She said, "I used to scream and throw up. Well, I shouldn't say throw up to you." LOL, I thought that was funny. Later on she said something..."I'd shoot myself. Well, I wouldn't really shoot myself. That was just a figure of speech. I thought I should specify that." LOL. Again, I know. She was funny today.

Once again we discussed my fascination with ED movies. I told her "Next time we have dinner I'll bring one in and we can watch it." Lol. We're set to do dinner on August 4th. I'm cooking. I'm sure she'll surprise me with a dessert, but hopefully she won't and won't give any thought to bringing one. I'm not going to bring it up. She loves her desserts though.

I'm going to the beach tomorrow so I can "turn a corner." It really hasn't been sunny here all week. I went for a run in the park with a friend earlier, which was good because I wouldn't have worked out if I wasn't running with her. I felt like sleeping so it was good I was meeting her.

I guess that's it. I really want to weigh myself right now, but I've only weighed myself once a day since Sunday. I'll keep that up until I see Charro on Monday and report to her. She'll be happy. It's not really a big deal though.

Oh, so I think I'll watch and ED movie and write down "how it makes me feel" for Charro. That will be something productive.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Foot massages, yay

It's cold and rainy out. (I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately). I walked downtown with one of my friends, who walks way too slow for which drove me insane, and had lunch and then got foot massages. Ahh! The guy said that he felt something in my toe that indicated headaches and trouble sleeping. (ahh, Chinese medicine). Ironically enough, I walked in there with a headache and I haven't been sleeping over the past week and a half. Pretty good job, buddy.

I have to go teach aerobics and work out a little before I teach. At the end of the day, I will have walked 7 miles and taught a class, but I still want to hit the elliptical for a little bit. I would like to go to sleep instead, but that's not an option. Oh well. I can sleep later and then wake up to go to Charro and talk about who knows what.

I need to get ready soon. My eyes just want to close.

A big flipper flopper

I just ate breakfast and I'm still hungry. WTFers? Hmm. Oh, maybe I'll have some strawberries. I have to take them out of the fridge because I don't like them cold. Ok.

I went to field hockey last night and there were only 6 of us. I didn't get the workout I wanted but whatevs, I guess I'll get over it. We are only allowed to play on dirt/woodchip areas so it's not the easiest thing to play on, and it's all uneven and stuff. Anyway, I was dribbling the ball and I stepped on it, my ankle went all twisty (like when it collapses if you step in a hole or something), I flew up into the air, my whole body twisted and then I hit the ground and, according to eyewitness reports, I "bounced." It was the funniest thing ever. The very first thing I did was look and see if any passerbys had seen it. Thankfully NO one was walking by on the path that is usually filled with people. I got lucky. All the girls were like "Are you okay? Are you okay?" I couldn't stop laughing and I was laughing so hard that I fell back to the ground after I sat back up. I was able to tell them I was okay and they too started laughing. I got a little cut (what?? That's all I get to show for that??), but I'm a little sore from my body twisting like it did. I think I'll have a bruise on my upper outer thigh too, which won't even show even though it hurts because I never get cool visible bruises.

So, that's my story. I'm walking downtown with a friend this morning. It's about a 5 mile walk. We will have lunch and then get cheap foot massages. My theory is that if we walk there, we will then deserve the foot massages. I think I need a full body one instead! So, I may skip my pre-teaching work out tonight since I'm walking. We shall see how I feel.

That's it. I hope my fruit fills me up.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

That was productive

I had a good sesh with Charro last night. I can't listen to it because I forgot my recorder in her office...again! I called her as soon as I realized it, like 2 minutes after I left, so she was able to turn it off before her next person came in. Thank goodness she answered her phone so I could tell her that I left it there. I think what I'm going to do now is leave my shoe right by where I put the recorder, that way I can't forget it again. I think that's a good idea because I'm clearly not going to walk out of there without my shoe! I feel like I talked a lot last night, which was good. I told her that her arms are skinny and it bothers me that she is skinny and doesn't work out and eats whatever she wants. I don't know why this bothers me so much. She's tall, like 5'6" or 5'7" and thin and doesn't work out (does yoga) and eats whatever she wants. Oh, that gets me so frustrated because it's not fair!! I tell her this all of the time. After I told her that she had nice, skinny arms, I said "now you're going to wear long sleeves all of the time." Grrr!! Oh, so when I got to her office, I knew she wasn't there because I always look in the window when I walk by and it was dark in there. I got nervous. All week I have been confused as to what day it is so I kept thinking that yesterday was Wednesday. So when I got there and she wasn't there, I really thought it was the wrong day. She called a few minutes later and said that she was running from a meeting. She usually has someone before me so she's obviously there all of the time. I was a bit nervous.

Ugh, I need to empty the litter box, it smells. Please hold. Okay.

So we talked about a lot of stuff. It was good.

Then I met up with my sis-in-law, her mom and my niece. We went to see The Little Mermaid. It was ok. The set was amazing. I had more fun watching my niece's face the whole time. She started crying at intermission because she thought it was over and she knew there was more to the story.

Oh, so I wasn't hungry when I left for Charro, but I left time for me to stop and get a pita from this pita place I like. Well, I thought I left myself enough time. I got there and got the pita and by this time I was hungry but had 8 minutes before my sesh. Yes, I could have shoved half of it down my throat but I didn't want to risk having food all over me, so I left the pita place and walked the 2 blocks to Charro's. I contemplated eating it in her waiting room for a brief second and then was like, no way!! Then when she wasn't there I thought about eating it outside, but it was raining and too difficult to do, plus I didn't want her to walk up on me eating. Then she called and said she was going to be 5 minutes late, I was like, man I could have eaten it. So, I waited until I was on my way to the show, walking from the restaurant where I met the girls because I couldn't eat it in there and I couldn't order food there because they were all done and we had to go. So, I ate a messy pita wrap with hummus, cabbage, peppers and cucumbers, with hot sauce of course. :) It was good, but cabbage sure does smell. I was carrying the other half around the rest of the night and it stunk. It will taste good today though. I like things soggy. They're shooting two movies by me today. I might have to take a walk and see if I can get in them. :) I will walk by them tonight on my way to field hockey, if we don't get storms. Must go to the gym now in case we do get rained out.

HAHA, I forgot...Charro had on "skateboarding" shoes yesterday. She had them on but changed them before I went into her office. I said, "Oh, I liked your other shoes." She said "My skateboarding shoes?" I would LOVE to see what she dresses like outside of the office. I want to see Charro in street clothes. They sneakers kind of looked like this.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Is this July?

It's cold and rainy? I'm going to see Charro and then The Little Mermaid with my niece and sister-in-law. I think I'll wear pants.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Another boring post

I am very depressed, my favorite Ann Taylor Loft closed down. :( I walked in on my way back from Charro's this morning and there was one rack of clothes there. I was like "What's going on?" Then they informed me. :( So sad. There's another one 9 blocks away but it's not as good. I guess I'll save some money.

My sesh with Charro was uneventful. I am listening to it now. Why can't I just talk? I know I have stuff to talk about, I just don't know how to bring things up. I should start to figure that out so I stop wasting time. I will try harder tomorrow.

I'm gonna finish listening to my sesh. I'll write more if anything good comes out of it, but I don't think it does. This post couldn't be anymore boring.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Catnip high 2


My little Squish.

Catnip high

Cat one high on catnip.

That's the bag the catnip was in. They were going crazy with it. My other cat was actually sitting in it at one point.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I guess that didn't work

I weighed myself on Bertha and then on the Wii Fit today. Well, let's just say that the Wii Fit was completely inaccurate, which is a good thing. I changed the batteries because they died, so I wonder if that had something to do with it. Anyway, I got on it and the first time it said I was under 95 pounds. Okay, I knew that was wrong. I did it again and it said I was 93 pounds. I did it again, after chugging some water, and added 4 pounds to it and it said I was 97 pounds. I did it one last time, to get me over 100 so if my parents looked at it it wouldn't freak them out to see my weight so low. I can PROMISE you all that I do NOT weight 93, 94, or 95 pounds...or less than that!! No need for you all to start freaking out because I do not weigh that little. I know I should not weight any of those numbers. I did like when it said I was "underweight" though. I won't lie about that. I wouldn't want to weigh that little because I know how much that would kill my father and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have with this thing. I know he worries about me and I hate that more than anything in the world. It makes me very sad.

I started my Christmas shopping today. I bought 3 XMas gifts and one birthday gift for my sis. Yay. I want to get all of my shopping done before November so I have NO bills come Christmas time. This all stemmed from my waking up this morning and freaking out about the fact that I just booked a trip to Italy and spent all of that money. Can you say freaking out?! Ugh. Help!! I would like to win the lotto or something, but I guess I'd have to buy a ticket. I need to find a way to make some more money. The coaching job is paying for my trip, which makes me feel a little bit okay, but still, I want to bank some money and not throw it all away. Ugh!

Okay, that's about it. I would like to go to bed now, but I won't. "Now" made me drink a protein shake. Well she didn't force it down my throat but she urged me to have it...and I mean urged. I was getting a little hungry so I guess it was okay.

That's about it. Back to NYC tomorrow. Not sure how I'm getting there but I'm getting there. Hopefully it will be by car. I wish I was staying here to float in my pool and swim all day.

Friday, July 17, 2009

3 minutes to spare

My sesh with Charro was pretty good, I guess. I told her that "Now" wanted her phone number and wanted to call her. She wanted to know why and I said "I don't know." She said, "Do you bloggers think you are lying to me or not telling me everything?" I said, "I don't know." I said, "I think they just want me to talk to you like I do on my blog, but I just babble and say whatever comes out of my head." I think it was toward the end of that conversation when I sat up and said "I've gotta go." She looked at me like "what?" and said "You leave when the going gets tough?" I said, "No, I sent you an email last night saying I had to leave early so you wouldn't think I was skipping out."

I can't wait to listen to our sesh because there are a lot of things in there I want to hear. Then I will be able to write more about it.

I didn't go blueberry picking because it closed at 1 PM. Grr. I can't take my niece now because they are going away tomorrow. I saw some clients, picked up my new computer...which SUCKS!! It does this thing where it types over itself and the curser moves all over the place and opens windows by itself. My other computer does that too. IT SUCKS so I am giving it back to the IT guy in my office on Monday. WTF??? It's new so it should NOT be messed up. It was pissing me off when I was booking my Italy trip today.

How many times can I mention that I love "Bertha!" My weight is great on this scale. I will check tomorrow to see if it's accurate. I'll test it out on the Wii when I'm home alone. Last time I checked it was right on. I don't know why it says I've lost weight because I haven't, but I will take it.

Oh, and I made the train with 3 minutes to spare. Good think I left Charro's early.

Oh, and Charro thinks I should tell my primary doc that I have an ED. I don't think so, She can figure it out on her own if something comes up weird. She wants me to have a bone density scan, I had one a few years ago, my bones were awesome, according do the doc who did it. She didn't say "awesome" but I can't remember her exact words. I am so not saying anything to my doc, that's for sure.

I guess I should get dressed

Ew, they are showing flying squid on tv, I think I might throw!! GROSS!!

My little one is eating at her leg again. It's all raw. I went and bought some bitter spray to put on it but it doesn't seem to be helping, she's still licking. I'm going to be gone until Sunday so I'm nervous that it will be really bad when I get back. I don't want to put her lampshade on, but I will if I have to, when I get back. Poor baby!

I have to leave in 30 minutes for Charro. She hasn't read my email yet so I guess she doesn't know I have to leave early.

I'm tired. I woke up at 5:50 because my phone was beeping. I forgot to turn it off. My friend texted me to tell me that she got the days off from work and can go to Italy with me. Yay! So, three of us are going to book the trip today.

My day is as such:

Charro at 9. Train at 10:07...if I make it. Pick up car. Visit 2 clients. Go to office. Go home and change. Go blueberry picking. That's all I know so far. I'm sure we have some dinner plans, like pizza or something, since my bro will want to have the best pizza in the world. I wouldn't mind either.

I guess I should get dressed. I'm going to get all sweaty running to the subway from Charro's office, and I will be all dressed up in work clothes. Oh well. Then I will freeze my bum off on the train.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Should have cancelled

I should have cancelled Charro for tomorrow. I don't have anything to say and I have to leave a few minutes early. I emailed her and told her I have to leave early, not that it really matters for her, but maybe she'll take me a few minutes early, probably not though. Like I said, I guess it doesn't matter because I have nothing to say anyway.

(Cat stepping on bladder when you have to pee...not good.)

I weighed myself at the gym tonight, but it doesn't count because it was on a different scale than mine. I was fine with the number and would like to see how it compares to my scale. It was a doctor's scale and mine is digital.

Maybe I'll go to bed now, I'm tired. Busy day tomorrow too. I'm taking my niece blueberry picking, though I might have said that already. I have to see a few clients too and go to the office to get my new puter! Yay!

I wish I could take you guys with me to Charro so you can do all of the talking.

Not much to say

I don't really have anything to say to Charro. Maybe I should go on vacation. Why can't I just talk? Why don't I know what to talk about?

My weight was too high this morning. I knew it would be. Blah.

I am taking my niece blueberry picking tomorrow. I will rush to the train after Charro, and hopefully not miss it like I did last time. Blah! I have some clients to see and then head to the office and then home to go picking. I'll pick up my new laptop at the office tomorrow. Woo hoo. It's cherry red. :)

That's all for now. Why can't I weigh myself more than once a day? I just want to know what I weigh. Does it really matter if I step on it a few more times?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

More than a feeling

I went to dinner with "44" after field hockey and now I feel/am so fat and gross. These are the time I really wish I would just stick my head in the toilet, though I know that doesn't really help you lose weight. Once in a while it would be ok for me though. Blah! I hate my fatness. I'm going to weigh so much in the morning. I could cry. I might have to weigh myself know to find out the damage.
(I posted 3 times again today?? [Geez])

Oh I wish...

I wish Charro could just make all of this ED crap go away. I don't think I can do it. I still just want to be skinny and lose weight, so trying to put all of this other stuff aside is too hard. Plus, it's too hard to work on changing everything, it's much easier to just be this way.

Charro wants me to get back to weighing myself only once a day. She must think I'm so juvenile for not being able to do that. I feel childish sometimes because I refuse to eat things and freak out about things that I shouldn't freak out about. I want to weigh myself right now. I feel gross and I want confirmation and I want to know my weight. For the first time in a while, well starting with my mini breakdown a few weeks ago, I want to lose weight. I don't feel thin enough. I feel like I need to get skinny.

I hope I have a good sesh with Charro on Friday. It's funny, now that she's back, I feel like I could go everyday. When she was gone I found it nice not going. Now I like going. That's how I am, I guess, sort of all or nothing.

Cat is on my lap now. Time to stop typing.

But first, sometimes I wonder if the people who take my aerobics class think I have an ED. My face looks skinny in those mirrors, especially now that I'm tan. I don't think it looks thin in pictures but in those mirrors it does. My body doesn't look like I have an ED so I don't see why the people who take my class would think I do.

Anyway, that's it. I thought about posting a pic of myself on here but I decided not too.

Lack of sleep and a wasted hour

I am sleepy. I haven't slept well the past two nights and on Monday morning I was woken up early by pee in my bed. (not mine). I woke up at 4:30 this morning and it took me a while to fall back to sleep. Then I woke up early to go to the Today Show but ended up not going. Martina is going to be on but the guys I'm friends with who work for her isn't there so I didn't go. Good thing I texted him.

Yesterday I went to Coney Island. It's a cool place. It's like you go into a time warp and I love that feeling. I love the olden days and I can picture what this place must have been like back in its hay day. It's just a cool feeling. I didn't bring my camera. I wish I had.

I got home from there with just enough time to shower and have dinner. I made a shake and had some salad. I left my apartment at 5 for my 6 PM appt. and I walked there. I knew I wouldn't make it in time if I walked so I ran half of it and walked half and had plenty of time to spare.

Once again I didn't really talk about anything with Charro. Great, another wasted hour, but what do I have to say? I don't know. I told her that I did what I had to do in order to get back to my weight. She says I need to not do those things, obviously. I don't know what else she said, I'll have to listen to the tape. She said that I only "felt" like I "had" to do those things and that I didn't really have to. Well, I did. I HAD to!! She doesn't get it. I just don't know what to talk about in there.

I told Charro that we need to have another dinner so we can talk about Italy, since I've planned my trip. She said "We'll have to have an Italian meal." I said that I would make it. I hope she doesn't insist on bringing dessert, that would not be good. Ugh, she'd probably get gelato or something too, if there is a freezer in her office. I think there's a fridge but not sure about a freezer. I refuse to have gelato until I am IN Italy!! I want that to be my first experience with it.

Oh, I told her I was already worried about what I'm going to do when I start to freak out when I'm in Italy. It will happen about day four because I won't have a scale and I won't be working out the way I'd like to be and I'll be eating. Ugh...that all equals a major freakout and I will have NO one to freak out to. I can't even email her because she will be on maternity leave. Oh dear!! The two girls I'm going with have no idea about me. One is my friend and the other is her friend whom I've met twice. Oh well. Definitely can't let them see me freak out.

So, that's it. I need a nap already.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Off to the beach, Charro, then teach!

Monday, July 13, 2009

She's back in town

I just got back from Charro. It was really nice to see her. She looked happy to see me too. I didn't really have much to say. I told her I had a "psychotic episode" and didn't really talk about it. :) I told her about her favorite diner. She was sad but happy I warned her before she went there tomorrow to get lemonade. :( Poor Charro. She wanted to talk more about my fatness issue. She said she was glad it as over and I said "it's not over." Ha! I reminded her about the chapstick she owed me and she said she was looking for one for me (I forget the brand it was) but she couldn't find it anywhere and all she saw was "Chapstick" brand. She was like "I wasn't going to get you that, but I was looking for you. I told her that it was the thought that counts. I told her about my planned trip to Italy and she is very excited about that. I don't know if I'll go there or Aruba. Hmmmm!! Options! Aruba would just be airfare and food. I'd be staying in a friend's time share.

Anyway, It was nice to see Charro. She looks good. A little belly and a tan. I told her that she turned little corner and she said "a little?" I said, "okay, you turned a corner." :) I'm still tanner! :)

When I told her about her restaurant she said "Where are we going to eat breakfast?" I said, "I guess we won't eat." She didn't like that one. I told her that I'd make homemade lemonade for her. Maybe I should do that tomorrow. I would need to buy a cup with a cap. Something to think about if I'm bored tomorrow.

So, that's about it. I told her that I would go back and read the posts where I was freaking out so I guess I should do that.

(Why can't I change the color, font or do spellcheck?)


Okay, so I didn't have dinner because I wasn't hungry. Well, not completely true, I had a chocolate chocolate chunk cookie (homemade, not by me) and some blueberries.)

Wet wake up call

I woke up to a pee pee bed this morning. My nephew wet the bed. So, I'm up earlier than I would like to be. I ate breakfast and am off to the gym. I am not happy with my weight this morning. I thought I'd wake up at a "good" weight because it was good before I went to bed, but it is not as low as I thought it would be. I must have gotten false readings yesterday.

I see Charro at 4:15. I'm actually not even that excited. I have a busy day. I haven't been on the computer all weekend since I've been with my family. I'll be back in NYC later.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cat on my lap

I woke up at 4 AM starving. Shocking, I know. Oh well. It happens. My legs were tired while I was sleeping too. Biking kills my legs for some reason, yet I can run forever...well, not forever, but you know.

I am going to teach kickboxing this morning and then heading to the airport to meet up with my bro and his family. My sis is picking them up so I will hitch a ride home with them instead of taking the train home. The time worked out perfectly. I just hope I catch the subway and the bus in time to make it to the airport.

Oh, I have to call Charro, I just remembered that. I'll do that in a little bit. I'm going to change my appointment to Monday afternoon.

My little girl (cat) is now sitting on my lap and arms so I can't type anymore. I miss them when I leave and I'll be gone for two days. Poor babies!! I feel so bad when I leave them here. They don't like it either.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I want pizza

I just realized that I'm hungry. It's 9:15, too late to eat. I had a protein shake and mini bagel before I went for my bike ride, like 4 hours ago. I really want pizza, which I could easily get...I do live in NY, but no, I'm not going to go out and get a slice, that's ridiculous. I'll be eating a lot this weekend, I don't need to eat now. I'm going home tomorrow because my bro and his family fly into town. We're having a picnic on Sunday so there will be a ton of food. That's it. I will save up until then. Besides, I can't be fatter when I see Charro on Monday.

Watching the Food Network is not helping my situation.

Charro on Monday

I'm happy to report that I will have a nice tan when I see Charro on Monday. :) I'll smell like coconut and be tan. She'll come out and get me and say "Hi Miss Coconut. Woah, you really turned a corner." So predictable, yet funny!

(My cat just made a squeaky noise. It was funny. Now he's playing with a straw).

I'm also happy to report that my weight is pretty much back to what it "should be" (in my mind), or what it was before. See what freaking out, stepping on the scale more and restricting can do for ya?! It worked for me, though I'm not suggesting that any of you fine people do it.

I need to go to the gym and I don't want to. I hate going when it's nice out. I'm not going to go for long, maybe 45 minutes at most. I'm going for a bike ride later, plus I've already burned a lot of calories this week. I'm ahead of my calories burned for the week and will easily surpass what I aim for every week. That is a good thing.

I'm excite to see Charro on Monday, though I don't know if I'm changing my appointment or not. I have to figure that out and call her tomorrow and leave her a message as to what I'm going to do. I warned her that I might need to make it in the afternoon, though I'm sure she doesn't remember.

We had a bet a while back, and I won, therefore she owes me an Italian chapstick. I failed to remind her of this so I'm sure I will not get my chapstick. It would be weird to be like "by the way, you owe me a chapstick." I could totally get away with saying it in a joking way though. I thought about shooting her an email but she's on vacation so I didn't want to do that. I'll bust on her tomorrow (tomorrow?? I mean Monday) and say "Where's my Italian chapstick that you owe me?"

I guess I should get ready to go to the gym. Why am I still hungry, I just ate?

In other news, my arms are freaking FAT/HUGE!! I HATE them. They are so big and gross and make me want to throw! Actually, now that I think about it, ALL of me is fat and it really grosses me out and makes me want to throw. I'm off to the gym now. See, it doesn't matter what my scale says, if it said I weighed 80 pounds I would still think I was fat. I can see it with my own eyes.

(Add on)

Just spoke to my mom and we were talking about attendance in my aerobics class. She said, "You probably work them too hard, like you do yourself because you have to lose that weight." Really, did she just say that? She's hinting at something, and I know she wasn't telling me that she thinks I need to lose weight. She was quoting me from somewhere. Ugh, really, did she have to bring up my "issues" in that manner. I hate that. She just tries to sneak things in there and it drives me insane because she just can't say what she really wants to say. GRRRR!!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Stinky water and "tragic" news for Charro (she and baby are fine)

The water coming out of my bathroom sink STINKS! My parents would probably say that I'm crazy, but it really stinks. I go into my bathroom and can smell it. As soon as I turn on my water it gets worse. What is it? What if I'm brushing my teeth and washing my face with sewage water? EW. Seriously, IT STINKS!! I asked my friend to come over and smell it.

Okay, she just came over and she said it smells too. I know it's not just me.

One of my unreliable friends emailed me Tuesday and asked me if I wanted to grab lunch today. I said "sure" knowing that it probably wouldn't happen. Sure enough, I haven't heard from her and we're supposed to meet in 2 hours. Ha! I just think it's funny because I knew we wouldn't get together. She is SO unreliable and I hate unreliable people.

It's supposed to be a beautiful day here today but it is very dark and grey. Hmm. I vacuumed and I ran over my bag so my vacuum started smoking and burning.

4 days til Charro. Her favorite diner, which is right by her office, is closing. She is going to DIE!! She always says "They have THE BEST lemonade" and talks about their lemonade all the time. She also talks about their grilled cheese and tomato soup, and once mentioned their french fries. She got one of our dinners there once (grilled cheese and lemonade of course), and our omelettes there, again with lemonade. She is going to be devastated. So, I plan on reading her this when I see her on Monday. I wrote it up last night. It's my little radio story. I'm sure she'll crack up and then be devastated when I tell her that it really did close down and that I'm not making it up.

After serving up sandwiches and other food favorites for 45 years, Joe Junior's restaurant has closed its doors one last time. The popular Greenwich Village eatery was forced to shut down on Sunday after a dispute with its landlord. More than one thousand people signed a petition to try and keep the coffee shop open. Regular diners like Charro are saddened by the closure.

"It's just tragic. I go there all the time. They have the best lemonade!!"

No word yet if on if the owners will re-open at another location

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Things I've accomplished...

while Charro is on vacation:
  • I "turned a (serious) corner!!!!"
  • Weighed myself more
  • Weighed more (That's not a good thing)
  • Ate less (at some points)

So, that's where I am. She won't be so pleased with the weighing myself more and restricting part.

I am not sure if I will have to change my appt. with Charro from 9 AM until 4 PM on Monday yet. Still trying to figure out my schedule. I was thinking I'd change it to the afternoon because I was going to be home, but now I don't have anyone to feed my cats so I might just keep the morning appt. and come back here Sunday night.

I'm still fat, though I did manage to fall below that magic Charro number on this (B-2) scale. I was well below it on Bertha, and you know what, now that I think about it, I think Bertha is correct because I compared it to the Wii Fit and it was the same number. If I can wake up tomorrow at a "good" number, then I will be happy. I still think my stomach is getting fatter and I think it's because I'm getting older. Ew!

Field hockey tonight. Woo hoo. The weather is perfect for it!!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Observation and fact

My stomach is fat. Observation and fact! I can see it. I can feel it. I have fat rolls. I have stomach fat and I can't take it. I wonder if I've gotten fat because I haven't been walking as much because I haven't had to walk to Charro three times a week. I bet that's it. I'm fat! That's all I know and I have to be skinny. I have to get skinny before Monday too!! I hate my fatness.

I worked out for a little bit this morning. It wasn't an intense workout at all. I'm teaching class tonight. I'll probably work out tomorrow morning and then play field hockey tomorrow night. Teach on Thursday night and work out before class. That's three days of what should be good workouts. Let's hope! I just need to get rid of my Buddha belly. Where the hell did it come from. Oh, and I don't like what this scale here says either. I never liked "B-2" anyway, Bertha was always the better scale.

I'm hoping to burn 500 calories tonight. That will put me at a good number going into tomorrow. Tomorrow I should burn a lot. I just need the pounds to come off. I hate my fatness!!


My fatness
My fat stomach
Anything to do with me being disgusting and feeling disgusting.
Not being a stick person

I'm going to go insane if I don't get skinny and feel better about my body in the next 5 minutes.

6 Days til Charro.

Monday, July 06, 2009

One more week

My weight is better so I'm not freaking out anymore. I don't really know what I weigh because according to my doctor's scale my scale, "Bertha" is almost 2 pounds under. If that's the case, my weight sucks right now. If it was the case this morning, I was at Charro's and mine "agreed" upon weight. I liked the number I saw on Bertha this morning, even if it is wrong...I don't really care. I'm going to go with it anyway.

I'm doing laundry, watching Seinfeld, writing this, and am about to make a dessert for this weekend because my bro and his family will be in town. I can freeze my treats so it works out well. :)

I still feel and look fat, regardless of what the scale says. I thought I looked okay on tv yesterday though. I guess that's a plus. I am definitely fatter, I can tell. I just want the scale to go down and stay down.

Charro next Monday. Yay!!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Tragedy on my street

I came home with my parents today and was floating in my pool for a while. I came inside for a few minutes and then went back out and couldn't find my parents. Finally my dad came back and said that there was a drowning at the lake. (we have these 4 little beaches on our street). I asked how old the kid was, thinking that it would be a child, but it was a 20 year old. It was horrible. I am not sure what happened, but the water isn't that deep. All of the news crews showed up, including the one I worked for for a few years. I was interviewed by 2 stations, not the one I worked for. I haven't seen the interview because I was not home. I will watch it in a bit. I'll be on the other newscast in an hour. It's so sad though. The kid wasn't even from here, he was visiting his college friend.

In other news, yesterday's picnic was fun. We saw the fireworks. We ate. I didn't eat too much but still felt gross. Blah! This morning I went to the gym to teach class and no one showed up which was nice because I got to come home earlier and lay out.

So this is sort of funny, one of the reporters who interviewed me asked me where I lived (b/c I told her I didn't live here b/c I didn't want to be interviewed). Long story short, we started talking about field hockey and she said "You don't have field hockey legs or butt!" Now that is really funny because all field hockey players talk about how we get "field hockey legs and butts." So, to hear her talk about it was really funny. She was cool and gave me her contact info. I was like "I worked for your competition."

Anyway, that's about it. I got your comments (Now and Lisa) but never responded. This is my first time on the computer. My mind is all over the place right now so I wish I was able to comment on your comment when I received it, Now.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Anything but Indepence happing

I went for a good run this morning, which made me feel a little better, though I need to weigh myself (for what reason, I don't know since my hydration will play a key role in my weight) to see how I really feel. I was back down, weightwise, Check Spellingthis morning. Not down to where I need to be but better than what I was yesterday. I still have a way to go.

I ran in the park, probably 6.5-7 miles. It was so nice out. I burned 600 calories, which made me happy. I am pretty hungry right now so maybe I'll have a protein shake. I didn't really have dinner last night. It was pretty much a few bites (taste test) of the macaroni I made for dinner tonight and blueberries. I don't care. I'm in a very restrictive mindset right now. I haven't been here for a while and I don't know where it came from. I guess I can just hope that I'll lose weight and I'll be back to a more "normal" brain. I kind of wish Charro was back this week, but whatever, I'll be fine.

I guess I'll make my shake and head up to the roof. My parents are on there way here so they'll be here before 1 PM. Then I have a lot of crap to unload from their car. I need to go work on my tan for a bit though.

Hope you all have a good Independence Day.

Friday, July 03, 2009

To make things worse...

My kitchen sink is completely leaking. I think the hose is broken. Clearly I can't do anything about this until Monday. I can't use my sink and I'm having a party tomorrow. Wonderful timing!!

I haven't showered yet, but I did weigh myself earlier. I weight 30348349785368 pounds!!! I'm going to...I don't know what I'm going to do. Starving myself for the rest of my life would work. Ugh!!! Why am I getting fatter and fatter and fatter. That's it, I'm ordering more of those stupid fat burners!!!

I wish I could just throw up. Maybe I should eat something so I can puke, but I'm not hungry so I don't want to eat anything. I wish I could just puke without eating, I think I'd feel better right now

I honestly just want to scream or go for an 800 mile run!!! I am not consuming anything but water and fruit until I lose 4 pounds. I am so fired up right now. I haven't been like this in a long time. It doesn't even have anything to do with my sink. That sucks, but the fact that I'm HUGE is a million times worse. I literally almost just made myself puke before I got in the shower. I didn't really eat anything but I don't care. I want NOTHING in my stomach, ever. I just want water in there.

Yes...2 posts in an hour. Rocking. I'm sure there will be another!

Biking, showering, and cooking

Still feeling huge and disgusting, so to torture myself even more, I thought I'd go weigh myself. That will happen when I get into the shower. I'm sure I'm going love that.

I went for a long bike ride with "44." It was nice to see him and hang out. I haven't seen him since I kicked him out of my apartment over a month ago. The whole time we were riding I felt like my stomach was so fat and hanging out over my shorts. What a horrible feeling. I kept checking it to see if that was the case. It still feels fat. I hate it.

So now I'll go weigh myself and shower and then I will cook up a storm for tomorrow.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I just weighed myself and it was awful. WTF? There's not point in me even typing all of the crap and angry thoughts that are in my head.

(And yes, I have an eating disorder. I know. I'm allowed to feel like crap sometimes and be all entrenched in my feelings and thoughts of fatness and disgust). If I could throw up right now, I would.

I didn't even eat the much today. WTF? I HATE THIS SHIT!!! I HATE IT!!! I just want to be skinny. Why the hell am I obsessing so much lately?? And seriously, how many posts can one write in a day??

A posting fool

I feel like I'm becoming a posting fool (just wrote food). Post 2 of the day already. I feel like I have so much to say (well, so much going on in my head) and then when I start writing I have nothing exciting to write at all.

I'm starting to miss Charro a bit. Not the, I NEED to talk to her type deal, just like missing her like I'd miss anyone I spend a lot of time with. Let's face it, I spend more time with her than anyone else during the week. That's a bit pathetic.

I think I've become a little more disordered minded over the past week or so. I've definitely been weighing myself more. So much for the once or twice a day thing. Oh well, it happens. I don't think it's that damaging for me so I don't see why I shouldn't weigh myself. It really makes no difference. I know Charro would disagree but I really don't see how it's harming me at all.

I'm thinking that I probably won't have dinner before I teach, since I had a late lunch. I'll pick up some fruit on the way home and maybe get some frozen yogurt for dinner. You're allowed to do that in the summertime.

I don't really feel like teaching or working out tonight. I'd rather play field hockey again. That would be way more fun. I'm in the "I want to lose weight" mode though so I need to work out. Plus I look so flabby and I hate my arms. I want to be skinny and toned. I am tone but not really toned. I think my wanting to lose weight thing has to do with wanting to be thinner when Charro gets back. I know I mentioned that already, but I think that's what it is. I don't know why that is though. I want to by skinny and tan. I'm getting the tan thing going, so that's good. I just need to work on the skinny thing. I don't know what that will accomplish for me, probably nothing, but I still want it. I wish I knew why. I just want it. I just want to look really skinny the next time I see Charro...11 days from now. :)

I'll never believe it

People say it all the time, but I will never believe it. Even last night my friend, who happens to be a psychologist specializing in EDs, was telling me about an anorexic girl who started to eat a bit more and lost 5 pounds. Of course my mind went to the that's so not fair thought and how come I can't lose weight like that? If I eat I gain weight and it sucks.

I really don't get it because if I eat anything more than usual I gain weight. It's so not fair. Even last night, I played field hockey and burned some mega calories, didn't have that big of a dinner, and still woke up weighing more than I usual do. It was a good thing I didn't eat anything when I got home last night, then I would have weighed even more. I'm sure some of it's water because I've been drinking and peeing like crazy. I just don't like it though. I do feel bad that I sort of lie to Charro about my weight. Well, it's not like I'm lying really, she hasn't asked, but I guess I'm supposed to tell her if I'm under what we "agreed" on. Although, when I went to the doctor on Monday night, I was 2 pounds over what we "agreed" on so I guess I wouldn't have to lie because I can then, essentially, afford to lose weight. :)

I have so many food events coming up over the next week and I'm not really looking forward to that because it will not aid in my weightloss/stabilization process. I am having a picnic on Saturday, going home with my rents on Sunday. Going to a friends for smores on a campfire. I will eat them and feel so utterly fat and disgusting, probably come home and blog about hot nasty I am and how I feel, weigh myself and go to bed. I'll wake up and work out, go to work, beach maybe, dinner with rents because they always need to make sure I'm eating, head back to NYC Tuesday in time to teach class Tuesday night.

I'll go home again next Saturday because my brother will be in town with his family. I'll stay until Monday because I'll have to come back to see CHARRO!!! (I felt like yelling that). We will have a big picnic that Sunday, so more food and fatness so Charro can see me looking really huge, and that will be it. I want to go back to her thinner, not fatter!! I should kick my workouts up a notch.

It's going to rain. I mopped and vacuumed and now my ass hurts from sitting on the couch so I have to do something else. Maybe I will make sauce. I have to make sauce for my macaroni on Saturday.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

I know, not a good thought...

I know this isn't what I "should" be thinking but I am so I might as well write about it. It's 9:51 PM. I got home from field hockey a little bit ago and I'm sitting here, hair dripping, hoping that I don't get hungry. I ate dinner at 4:30 PM and I don't want to get hungry. I sort of feel like there is some hunger coming on and I don't want that. I guess I "could" eat since I burned 750 calories playing field hockey and worked out today, but I feel like I need, or want to get back to what I weighed a few days ago. Yes, I know that is obsessive. I can see that, don't worry. I ate a lot today, so it's not like I'm trying to lose weight. I just don't want to eat anything now. I'm guessing that I probably burned more calories than I consumed today, which is a lovely thing.

I'm going to assume that I'll wake up in the middle of the night and tomorrow morning thirsty as a beast because I sweat so much tonight. Really, there is nothing better than the feeling of sweat dripping off of you while you're playing a sport. I love it. I've been chugging water all day but I'll still wake up thirsty.

I need to dry my hair and I don't want to. It's soaking wet and so thick and takes forever to blow dry. I try not to dry it too often because I don't want to dry it out. Usually I'll dry and flat iron, when I actually do my hair. I can't go to bed with "wet head" though. That's awful and it makes me sweat more so than I normally would.

I feel like I should go to bed soon, so I don't get hungry. Plus, I'm tired so that's a really good reason to sleep.


I think I'll have oatmeal for dinner. That seems to be what I want so I guess that's what I'll have. And yes Charro, oatmeal is dinner. I heard the little Charro voice that said "oatmeal's not dinner." Ha. You know what else? I'm going to eat dinner before 4:30...another thing that wouldn't count as dinner, but that is when I want to eat so that is when I will eat. It's not some attempt to "get back" at Charro or anything, it's pretty much how it is every day. I know some of you are probably thinking that. I'm just worried that I'll be hungry when I get back from field hockey. I guess I could have a protein shake if I am.

So far the storms are holding off, but they move in pretty quickly so hopefully they'll stay away.

I just burnt a sponge trying to sterilize it in the microwave. LOL. Didn't know that was possible. Guess I should have wet it first.

I have 3 tomatoes and a pepper on my plants. :) I'll take pics when they get bigger.

I'm "a whale"

I haven't said this before...(ha), but I don't feel like going to the gym right now. I should run (because I will get a better workout and burn more calories), but I don't feel like running. I don't even feel like doing the elliptical or anything at the gym. I'm bored of it. Maybe I'll do some cardio and then lift weights. I can't go in with my regular Wednesday attitude of I don't have to work out much because I will be playing field hockey tonight. We have a chance of storms tonight so with our luck, we'll get rained out again and won't play.

So I was floating around in my pool the other day and my nephews were swimming and I was chasing them. My dad goes "the whale is coming." I know he didn't mean anything by it, but come on dad, you want me to gain weight and you're calling me a whale. A shark would have been better!

My cat scratched the hell out of my arm last night. I woke up to his claws in my arm. He was trying to jump onto the bed and I was apparently in the way. Nice.

I have to figure out what kind of food I'm going to have for my 2 people party on Saturday. Oh food. I do like cooking and love baking.

I sort of feel like I want to be thinner when Charro gets back, but that's normal for me. I won't be thinner. I'm fatter, but I still have 13 more days until I see her so maybe I can be thinner, not that I'm really trying to lose weight.

I am tempted to order more of those fat burners I was taking. I don't know if they did anything but now I feel like I need them. They're not bad, meaning they don't have any crap in them. I think I was getting a big vitamin boost with them. I don't really believe they're burning any fat but the vitamins might be a good thing to have.

I really need to work out. Ugh, how am I going to motivate myself through this one? Just do it, I guess, right!? Let's hope field hockey doesn't get rained out.

I love having this Charro vacation!! I love not having to be somewhere 3 times a week and I can just have a much freer schedule. I shouldn't go back.

This was the most boring post ever.