Everytime I leave Charro's office I say to myself, "next time my goal is to talk." I just want to use the time I have in there and use it wisely, but I get into the office and I talk about nothing. I talk about stupid stuff. Occasionally we get into something, but for the most part I talk about nothing. I don't know why I can't talk.
I want to be normal, but the fear of gaining weight is too much for me. I can't do it. I don't think I can even try. I don't think I could sit down and force myself to eat like I'm "supposed" to. I've never really loved food. It's not something I look forward to. If I'm starving then I'm like "I need food now," but for the most part it's just something I have to partake in occasionally.
Why is it when you see (or maybe it is just I), when I, see an anorexic girl walking down the street, and I see a LOT of them, I don't want to eat? Hmm. Well, it didn't stop me from eating today because I was starving, but it definitely makes me think about not eating. I look at the girl and have a few thoughts pass through my head. First thought is, oh, I wish I could be thin like that. Second thought; Poor girl. Third thought; I should not be eating so I can get skinny.
I saw this tiny girl walking with her mom today. Funny thing is that I think I saw her twice, in two different outfits. I'm pretty sure it was the same girl. The first time I couldn't tell if she was older or younger, the second time I realized she was younger. She was skinny and I was jealous, that's all I know.
I guess that's it. The first half of this post was written yesterday, while I was thinking about things to maybe talk to Charro about. I wasn't going to post it but whatevs, I am.