Saturday, March 21, 2009

This covers a bit of everything

I had a decent workout today. I was/am in a bad mood so I needed that. I didn't run as far as I wanted to, my legs felt like lead weights. (Maybe because they are). I ran 5 miles and then sprinted a half mile. Then I got on the elliptical thing and did another 15 minutes and then shot some hoops. Yeah, I should have done the elliptical longer, but I didn't. Oh well.

My brain is going back to ED world. It seems that happens every so often. It's a like these thoughts come in waves and every few weeks or ever month or two the waves come in like a tsunami. I know I'll be fine, so I'm not very concerned. Although, there is this part of me that's saying screw everyone, I'm just going to not eat and lose weight. Right now I can see that it's not because I just want to lose weight. It's something else, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I want to be invisible? Maybe I want to be seen...I don't know.

I've never really been any good at starving myself, like really starving myself and living off very few calories; because I do tend to eat so I can function like a normal human being. I just had my lunch, which was really disgusting, by the way. I made an egg white omelette with peppers and maybe like 1/2 a serving of cheese, if that, and some salsa. It was gross and I didn't want it to begin with, but I don't have much here to eat. I needed protein so I went with that.

I bought a bunch of fruit yesterday, so I will eat some of that in a little while. I love fruit. I also bought 2 potatoes the other day, which haven't moved off of my counter since I bought them. At least they have each other.

Geez, this sounds like a pathetic post. Really, I promise you that I am not starving myself. I'm eating meals and my Stroopwaffels that my bro-in-law brought back for me from Amsterdam. They are the best cookie/wafer things. They're so not good for you but I don't really care.

I guess that's about it for now. I need to go make a dessert for a party I'm going to tonight.

Oh yeah, Charro wants me to "think" about cutting out two of my workout days. Not really going to happen there, my dear! I guess I can say that I thought about it and didn't quite like the idea.

I wonder why she wants to help me so much?? I guess because it's her job, but still. The other day I said that she doesn't have to care about me. She asked me why I thought that and I said "because it's not your job." She said, "But I do care about you. We have a relationship." I told her I would feel bad if she had to take me to the hospital for some reason, (the background info on the is boring and pointless so I will leave it out). She asked why and I said "because I'd be taking you away from other things, from other people that you have to see. You'd have to sit there with me for hours and I'd feel bad about that." I then said that if something happened to her and I had to take her to the hospital I would do it and be fine with it. She wanted to know why it was okay for me to go care for her, or any other person in my life, but it was not okay for me to have her or any of my friends go and sit with me. She seems to think it all boils down to me not thinking I'm worthy. Who knows, maybe she's right, maybe I do think that. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I have, and would go to the hospital with my friends and sit there an wait with them in the ER all day and stay with them. Why am I allowed to care for others but am not allowed to be cared for?? Why don't I deserve it?

Shit, I'm getting really deep, what's up with that?! Dessert time.


Zena said...

well I for one love it when you get deep...its refreshing to hear you talk about real stuff instead of just the I feel fat crap..not that its crap but you know what I mean. Yes i think EDs all boil down to us not feeling worthy ..we are by nature caretakers and that can be a major problem cause we spend all our energy on caring for others and not ourselves...I wouldnt let anyone stay in the ER with me on tuesday but if anyone and I mean ANYONE I knew was there I would have been there in a heart beat, so I know what you mean. SO how are going to start taking care of yourslef to show that you ARE worthy...cause we are all worthy of life(((PTC))) and the way you are living is no life at all.

Sorry to be so hypocrital I am just feeling very introspective...

love, Z

PTC said...

I don't know, Z. I take care of myself in other ways, but I think other people are more important.

zubeldia said...

Of course you're starving yourself, on. Chronically not giving your body what it needs is the definition of starvation.

Babe, I'll be honest and say that whilst you have been more eating disordered than usual, you are ALWAYS in the ed world. Your thoughts and behaviors are so entwined with ed thinking and thoughts that it's been totally normalized to you. You rationalize it by saying 'this is a choice', 'I just want to', but this is a miserable life and yet you're the only one who can't see how trapped you are.

I think there is so much more to the 'care' thing with Charro that you're not wanting to think about. You said a while ag in response to one of my comments, that Charro emailing you didn't mean THAT much to you... you just thought it was nice. Lots of people wouldn't have cared less; they wouldn't think it was especially nice, even, but it touched you in some way, imo.

I do think you have a lot of confidence issues. Being an extrovert doesn't make that less of a reality. No one with real, authentic self-esteem would be so obsessed with their weight. No one. They would have enough self-respect to feed their hunger; they'd not want to exercise too much when their legs felt like lead weights; they'd eat something that they liked and that was healthful and life supporting; they'd not base their daily worth on the number on a scale.

My guess is that you'll come back and say that you have plenty of self-esteem; that you like to weigh yourself; that you like going to the gym and working out... And, yep, I bet you do like those things on some level, because the ed IS giving you something. I think the alternative - the feelings of worthlessness that you obfuscate to yourself through anger, humor, etc - are far worse to you than an ed.

Baby, you're no different from any other person with an ed. This is serious, you are ill, and you have given over your life to a pursuit of thinness.

Love, Z

PTC said...

Hey Zube,

Yes, I did think it was nice that she emailed me back because it wasn't an email that she needed to respond to, so she responded because she wanted to, not because she had to. So, that makes me think that she actually likes me and is just not taking my money.

I do like working out. I've been an athlete all of my life, so being active makes me feel good. My body aches when I don't exercise.

I'm not trying to lose weight right not, I just don't want to gain it.

Your comment was good, but I don't know what else to say in response.

Jena said...

I think working out and eating nutrient-rich foods are totally healthy! But... in moderation, like everything else. And, duh, you know that :) Maybe you are going to the gym too much. I could relate. I did a number on myself last year which turned quite bad, so I can see why someone might advise a person to let up a bit. It's not like she's asking you to quit, right?

She does care about you. You do have a relationship. She worries about you because she cares. Hear me out.

It's like me with my pdoc. Last year when she sent me to the hospital she got all teary on me, and I had NEVER seen her get all soft like that! She's always been empathetic and we've connected, etc, but I was so cold inside and I was just a bit shocked to see it. It did move me though. It showed just how much she cared. I asked if I could hug her and she said yes. That was the only time. But ever since, it's like we just have this bond. She's been there for me through so much.

Maybe Charro is invested in you in a similar way. They often don't show how much they care. I've been in almost exactly Charro's and my pdoc's position before, and I can tell you, it's easy to become emotionally connected to a patient you treat long term. And it's easy to not show it, because you can't. You have to stay professional.

PTC said...

No, she's not asking me to quit, but I don't see why I can't go 6-7 days a week. I used to go 7 days a week, and 5 of those days I'd go twice a day usually. So, going 6-7 days a week is not bad at all. It's fine. She just thinks I work out too much. Whatever. And when she said "No gym 2 days a week" she specified "that means no walking, or doing any physical activity." Um, funny Charro!

That's such a nice story Jena. I see Charro three times a week, which I think is more than she sees anyone else, so there's definitely a relationship there. I just feel like she doesn't need to care about me because it's not her job. It's nice to hear that she does care, as it is to hear that anyone cares about you who is not related and required to care. ;) We definitely connect and can sometimes read each others minds.