Monday, March 30, 2009

Nothing to talk about, again

I wish I could figure out why I don't want to eat. I just don't want to. I guess I do when I'm hungry, sometimes, but for the most part I don't. I just don't want to gain any weight. I know, it sounds so superficial and dumb, but I can't help it, that is how I feel. I feel like there's no point in talking about it with Charro because she won't really have anything to say about it, I don't think.

My sesh this morning was stupid because I didn't have anything to say. I hate that. I couldn't think of anything. I feel like I need to be all deep all the time and I'm not and I can't think of anything to be deep about. Stupid. I am stupid. I suck at therapy. Maybe I should just not eat and get all skinny, at least we'd have something to talk about.

We are having breakfast again on Friday, but I am making it. I'm in control. Yay! It's a fat free breakfast so I don't really know why she's going for it. I'm making apple pizza. :) She makes a face everytime I say it because she thinks it sounds really gross. It's good!

Anyway, I'm seeing my friend H. tomorrow. I'm sure she's going to ask questions about my eating and stuff. I've always been good at talking to her but I don't think I'll open up tomorrow if she brings things up. What's there to say? She'll ask how I'm doing and I'll say "fine." Seriously, what else would I say to her? There's nothing to say. She saw a picture of me last week (which was taken in December) and emailed me and asked me how I was doing because I "looked really skinny." Oh well, I don't look "really skinny" now, so that should answer her question. Maybe I should just have a full blown ED and then I'd give people a real reason to be concerned. I don't want them to be concerned but they're concerned now and there's no reason to be, so why don't I give them a reason. Make it worth it for everyone, me included. Okay, I know (I've come out of my psychotic episode), having a full blown ED is NOT what I want. I want to be healthy and happy, but I want to be skinny and I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too, whatever the hell that really means. I'm rambling.


Zena said...

Time to get all deep again, (((PTC))) you are sick you are in a full blown ED, your life is consumed with AN thoughts and behaviors... YOU ARE SICK!!! and you are way to thin ( ive seen the pics). And my sweets you are in complete denial.

Is this really anyway to live?? you have so much going for you, You are intelligent, pretty, gifted with song, a martina fan ( big points in my book) and someone who is desperate need of care and nourturing that you cant seem to give yourself.

Whats holding you back sweetpea?? why cant you give your body what it needs to be able to think clearly to talk in T...know what i mean. apple pizza sounds good and I am glad Charro is going to share it with you but do you get you dont eat enough to sustain what you do (in forms of exercise) teh night sweats are a sign of an are sick dear girl, and really I dont think 3xs a week with charro is cutting it.

Love, Z

PTC said...

Hey Z, I don't even feel like I'm worth going to Charro 3x a week. Not that I'M not worth it, but I'm not "sick enough" to need to be there three times a week.

You've seen pics of me? I'm definitely not too thin. I eat more than enough. How are night sweats a sign on an ED?

I love that you love Martina!! I guess I probably showed you the pics I have with her??

I am so glad that you are doing well. That makes me happy. Keep up the great work!


Zena said...

Night sweats are a sighn of an Ed when you have been starving yourslef for so long and then you atrat to eat some your bodys metabilism speeds up and hence the night sweats begin...Thanks for all your support and means the orld to me..and my sweets you are most definatley worth seeing Charro 3xs a week..

Love, z

Zena said...

the world I ment

PTC said...

I freaking hate food and don't ever want to eat it.

I knew what you meant.

Kara said...

I've been reading the previous comments and I would have to say that I agree with Zena. But I do understand how you feel. I often feel like I'm "not sick enough." But that is the disorder talking. I recognize that. Can you?

Kara said...

PS - What's apple pizza?

PTC said...

I honestly can't recognize that. I am not bad and I am not a stick thin "anorexic" girl. I don't fit in with those girls. I don't even workout enough now to have that be a problem.

Apple pizza - Pizza dough, apples and cinnamon and sugar...bake! :)

Zena said...

How are you feeling today sweetness??

you work out plenty believe me...

love, Z

PTC said...

I am fine. You?