Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Listening, but can't hear

I'm listening to my sesh with Charro from tonight, but the quality sucks and I can't really hear anything. I need to bring my external microphone, but that would be pretty ridiculous, so I guess I'll just stop trying to tape our sesh. Though, I did really like the idea and thought it would be helpful.

She wants to "stop talking about my eating disorder" because I'm "not doing anything about it anyway." She wants to get to the core of the problem and feels that talking about bones is just getting in the way. Well, I like bones.

I was walking back to my apartment after my sesh and was thinking about how I wish I didn't have an ED and that I could just eat whatever I wanted to. It sucks, it really does, and I wish there was a magic wand that could take it all away.

Ugh, Charro used the word "illness" tonight. I hate when she says that. It sounds so bad, like I'm sick or something. I don't think I'm sick. Yes, maybe I have a little problem, but I wouldn't say that I'm sick. I think the "illness" part is coming up on the tape, too bad the quality sucks butts and I can hear like every 100th word.

In other news, my rents come home in a few weeks and I'm supposed to weigh 4-5 more pounds than I do right now...according to my dad's wishes. That's just ridiculous. I wonder if he's going to ask me how much I weigh. I don't think he'd just come out and ask, but he might be like, "You don't look like you've gained any weight. I told you that I wanted to you to weight xxx by the time we came home." [Geez!] I'm clearly going to have to lie and I am not a very good liar. He won't believe me either so then I'll get caught lying and that will be even worse. Ugh, okay, I have a few weeks to figure this one out. The other problem is that I can't really be 100 percent honest with Charro about this because I am under what she wants me to weigh too, just by a pound or 2, but still, she'd fire me. I guess I can still discuss it with her though.

Why does this have to be so difficult?


zubeldia said...

My bet is that she wouldn't fire you. Palmy, you're in such denial. Yes, it's an illness, a mental-health illness, and that is just what is. I know you don't like that...but, frankly, who does?

Sweety, I think it would help to quit talking about weight/ed with Charro, too. I hope you can look at the other stuff. No one has an ed without other stuff being there... otherwise EVERYONE would have an ed. Or close to it, anyway.

Babe, sometimes you sound so young when you talk about the ed and weight and trying to hide it from your rents and Charro.

What can you do to really change thngs for yourself? Do you see how your ed affects your life?

PTC said...

She would fire me, Zube. We had a "deal."

I don't know what "other stuff" is there, but we're talking. She said she won't talk to my ed anymore and that it's not getting us anywhere.

I know i sound like I'm 10 when I talk about hiding it from my parents, but it's what I have to do.

I don't know how to change things. It's too scary.

Sarah said...

when you say "it's what I have to do" . . . can you think a little more about that? why do you "have" to do it? you're working so hard to sustain this way of life. you must be exhausted, honey.

Zena said...


I too think you should stop talking about bones as it just leads in a circle. i know I am not one to talk but I truly believe life doesnt have to be this way for you, you deserve better and I hope you get it...what would it mean to you to gain 2 pounds what would that say about who you are as a person? It wouldnt change the fact that you are good and kind, a wonderful daughter, a great aunt, a wonderful sis in law, You have so much spunk and spirit I hate to see you waste it deserve more.

Love, Z

PTC said...

Ha, Sarah, I just read my post twice and I can't find where I said "It's just what I have to do." I think I must be blind. I can't answer your question because I don't know what I was talking about. Can you please tell me b/c I'm apparently an moron and can't find it. Lol.

You're right, Zena, it wouldn't change anything about WHO I am as a person, but I don't like my body now, so how is gaining any amount of weight going to help me like it at all?

Sarah said...

it was in your reply to Zuby.

PTC said...

Okay Sarah,

Here are my reasons. I have to do it so they don't worry about me and I have to do it because I am not willing to gain the weight my dad wants me to gain. That's why I have to do it. It's all about protecting my eating disorder.