Sunday, November 30, 2008

Someone's F'd up

Here are the fucked up emails someone sent to Jen about me. The only weird thing is that the person knew my name, like what my parents call me. Someone has too much time on their hands and wants to fuck with me. What do you guys think of this? At least the person could get their story straight.

I know that you and PTC are close friends and I wanted to let you know that her mom has been reading her blog for a while. I don't have the heart to tell her, but maybe you do. I'm a friend of PTC's from school and I found out about her blog through her ex boyfriend. I saw her mom recently and she asked if I knew anything about it. I told her that I didn't and I would check it out. I haven't talked to PTC in years, but I've been following her blog- and yours - for a while now. I saw your email on the side and thought you might tell PTC this information for me. I would appreciate it if you would not forward her this email as I do not want her to have my email address. Thank you and I'm sorry for putting this on you, but I know that I would hate for my privacy to be invaded like that.

#2.
No reason to alarm her. I know her from school and I've met up with her a few times in the city. I'm concerned and I want her to get the help she needs. I recently had a friend die from the disease and would hate to see the same thing happen to her. I've been reading for about 7 months and I moved to the city a few months ago. I have tried to get in contact with her since then, but didn't want to send a message on her blog. Try not to alarm her- but let her know what's going on.

#3
I would rather her not know who this is coming from. To be honest I see meet with PTC often and eat with her about once a week or so. I get concerned every time I see her refuse a meal or pick at it. I contacted her mom after finding her email address. Her ex boyfriend led me to the blog and the combination of her behavior and writing pushed me to give her mom the link to her blog. So please keep these emails between the two of us. I may send her an email to discuss the situation.

#4
I was trying to avoid her finding out who I was in the first email because I have a feeling that she will receive the email anyway. I know that PTC has ways of finding out who people are, i.e. going into email accounts and checking other's mail- I wanted to try to avoid her finding out my information as I don't know if she has your information. I would still appreciate your keeping these emails to yourself.

Privacy

Well apparently my parents, or at least my mom, which probably means my dad too, have been reading my blog for "a while." Someone sent Jen an email last night informing her of this. I don't know who it is and I WILL figure it out. WTF? So, I don't even know if anyone is reading this but whatever. This is why I'm private and will remain that way!

Either that, or someone is completely fucking with me, which might be the case. That's so NOT cool!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Fear of being "fired"

Charro and I talked about weight yesterday, and whether or not I'm supposed to tell her if I gain or lose weight? (why is my font funny?) The answer to that was "Yes, we have an agreement." I really didn't realize that we "have an agreement." She said "We agreed that you won't go below 100 lbs." Um, yes, "we agreed." I don't know how much I really "agreed" with her on that, it was more like that I didn't have a choice but to agree.

So anyway, I told her I lost a pound or two, but as of yesterday I was back to my "allowed" weight. It's so hard because I don't want to tell her when I go below 100 because she'll get mad at me and fire me. Not like she'll get "mad" but she will fire me. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm eating when I'm hungry (insert Charro, "You need to eat more regularly, even when you're not hungry.") I don't want to eat if I'm not hungry. It took me a long time to not be hungry, I don't want to turn that around and make my hunger come back. That's not to say that I'm never hungry, because I am hungry a lot. It's stressing me out a little. I don't want to get fired.

Friday, November 28, 2008

She's lost it

I made it through T-day. I gained a pound but it's okay. I'm okay with it because it gets me out of the "firing" range from Charro. I did tell Charro that I lost a pound or two though.

She was in rare form today. Absolutely hysterical!!! I walked in and she told me she has something going on with her contact. I made a comment about that. I asked her about her turkey cleaning and how that went and she said she had to pretend she was a veterinarian while she had her hand up the turkey's butt getting out the giblets. Then she had to go in the other end and get the neck out. I didn't even know there was a neck in there. EEEW!! She kept calling them the "butt giblets too." Funny. Then I said how I was going to sing karaoke at this store near her office, in the window, and she asked me what song I was going to sing. I told her, she looked at me and said nothing and then busted out laughing hysterically, then she got up to get a tissue. I said "are you drunk?" She goes "I think I'm still drunk from yesterday." (She was kidding, of course). She was nuts today though and I thought it was so funny. When I got up to leave, I said something and it was all weird and then said "I've lost it too." She goes, "Maybe it's the warm weather. Look, I'm not wearing any tights." WTF? LOL!! She's not always so crazy. She's a really good T!!! I do enjoy it thoroughly when she is nuts like today though.

So my mom just IMed me and asked if I "gave Charo the rice balls." UM, WTF...she called her CHARRO again!! That's twice. She so ready my FFJs. UGH!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Out of my head

I can't stop thinking about everything. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just have a day where I don't think/worry about what I'm going to eat, the calories, the pounds, etc. I hate it. I hate that I'm worried about this day of massive food...and if you were at my house, you would see how much food we have for a mere 8 people. It's disgusting. I would just like to cry.

Can my parents tell that I'm nervous and stressed about all this? What are they thinking? Are they worried about how I'm dealing with the day and all of the food?

I guess I'm going to have to tell Charro that I've lost weight. I'm scared. I don't want to tell her because then she'll make me gain it back. I didn't exactly try to lose weight, but I wasn't not trying. I like seeing those numbers go down and it scares me to death to see them go up. I'm also scared that she's going to "fire" me. I don't want that. I think she's too hard on me when it comes to how much she wants me to weigh.

I still feel that if I gain weight today (which is inevitable), then I don't need to tell her I lost weight.

I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! Can I just take a nap all day and wake up and have it be over?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Home for T-Day

A bunch of train rides, and a train without heat, I'm home. Usually it's just one train but I had to stop off for work somewhere so I had to switch trains.

I'm bracing myself for the Charro conversation or the "how's it going?" or something about my eating or body conversation. I have a feeling that it's coming.

I was in a bit of denial that I lost weight, thinking that it was just a fluke and I didn't really lose any, but I guess I did. I mean, it's not much (and will most certainly be back by tomorrow) but it's a couple of pounds...significant in some eyes. Again, it will all be back by tomorrow, if it's not already. I guess if it doesn't come back, I should probably tell Charro, though I'm scared to tell her because I don't want to get "fired" and it's not like I'm trying to lose weight. Ugh, this is stressful.

I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow. I'll go to the gym for a while in the morning. My parents are going out for pizza with some relatives tonight (who goes out to eat the night before Thanksgiving??) and want me to come but I'm not going. It's not because of the pizza, I eat pizza, I just don't feel like going out and seeing the same people I will be spending the day with tomorrow.


Keep your fingers crossed that no one says anything to me about any ED stuff. I hope you all have a great Turkey day. Try not to stress.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Another fire!

I just had another fucking fire in my apartment. That's 3 in less than a week. Maybe I forgot to mention the one I had yesterday with the scented oil thingy from B & B. I'm on my way to have a serious mental breakdown...

Staying longer

I didn't want to leave Charro's office tonight. I felt like I was on a roll with the whole talking thing. I might have been having emotions too, but I'm not really sure about that. I just felt like I could have talked forever tonight. (Ugh, my cat's breath stinks). I commented how I "wore her out tonight." She looked tired, but it could have had something do to with her weekend trip to L.A. I'm sure I'll have tons to talk to her about on Friday.

Now I'm in a serious mood. Maybe I'll put lights on my fake tree so I can get my real tree next week and decorate that.

I can't decide if I'm hungry or not. Part of me thinks I should eat because I know I didn't eat "enough" today, but the other part of me wonders why I should eat if I'm not hungry. Lord knows I'll be eating enough in the next few days to make up for not eating right now. I guess I just talked myself out of eating, at least for now.

I'm tired and I can't go to bed until 11 because I have to watch the DWTS finale.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Owning up

Charro keeps telling me that I need to "own up" to my eating disorder. Eh, I don't really think I like that idea. Who do I need to "own up" about it to? I guess I'm in a bit of denial.

She asked me how I was doing today and I said (of course), "fine." Well, she wanted to know what that really means, and she said "I could have bet money on it that you would say 'fine.'" I proceeded to tell her that I think I've gotten a little bit more obsessive lately. Like eating is a bit more scary to me since I didn't do much of it when I didn't have a kitchen for a month. Also that I feel like I need to workout more and burn more calories. Of course she wanted to know "what's behind it" but I don't really know. I'm just afraid of gaining weight and I'm really afraid of that with Thanksgiving coming.

Fire safety

Why do I have the biggest flap of fat on my stomach??

Almost just had a huge fire. Beware of those oil burners. I looked up and mine was flaming so high. I couldn't blow it out. Put it in my sink and dumped water on it (not the best idea) and it flamed up high before going out. GEEZ in a freaking box!!

The Little Red Engine

I just forgot what I was going to write about...

I saw Charro this morning. I made a comment, while talking about how I don't think I'll ever be able to eat "normally" and responding to her "I think you can" comment, that I think I'm the Little Red Engine that Couldn't." (Hmmm, maybe it's just the little engine that could. I think I threw in "red" there and that's not part of the title). Anyway, she responded with "I think there's more in that statement than you even realize." Perhaps, but I haven't sat and thought about it yet so I don't think there is.

I left and went to the bathroom. I walked outside and there was Charro getting something to eat. I didn't see her, though knowing me, I probably looked right at her and didn't even notice her because I was in my own world. So, she goes "BOOO!! Sorry I couldn't resist." It was pretty funny. I was like "How did you get down here so quickly?" Her response, "The elevator." Okay, good response. Ha!

I continued on walked until I ended up buying a pair of jeans, which I planned on returning until I checked out and they were on sale. I have no butt in these jeans, which is bizarre because I usually have a big butt in jeans. I'll take it, though it does look pathetically flat.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Daily weight gain

I made dinner for a friend tonight. I cleaned my place and decorated for Christmas too. Now I feel like I've gained 4 pounds. I'm already dreading Thanksgiving and all the food. I hate food. At least it won't be just my parents and me sitting around the table that day. It was looking like that might be the case but we've added some relatives to the mix so now there will be 8 of us. That means that they will have less time (I hope) to watch me and see what I am, or am not eating.

I hate it. I hate that I'll gain like 3 pounds in one day. I'll spend a lot of time at the gym in the morning, hopefully that will help a little, though I'm sure it won't.

Maybe I'll go to bed soon. I've had late nights the past few nights and my body doesn't know how to sleep late so I keep waking up early. That's the worst.

I have Charro in the morning and then I will have to hit the gym. Maybe I will run. I just hope my legs aren't tired. I need to start running long distances again but I get so bored on the treadmill and it's too cold to run outside. Ugh!! I need someone who will run next to me for a million miles so I can get through it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

zzzzz

I'm so tired I might fall over, and I have to go teach kickboxing and play field hockey for 3 hours.

Fire, Flood and broken computer

My last few days have been, well, eh. My computer problems started on Wednesday so I spent 3 days on the phone with tech support. Thursday I had a fire in my new oven. Well, it was more like a smoldering piece of cardboard that was left in there by a worker. Apparently the plumber was supposed to check thoroughly for things like that. Yesterday I woke up to a flood on my floor. My heater had some sort of problem and flooding was occurring, not bad, but ruined my wood floor a bit.

So, that was that. I had so much more to write about but now I can't think.


My sesh with Charro was good yesterday. I walked in and she was in jeans. She has no ass. WTF? Really, it's so NOT fair!!!! She said, "Could you hear me yelling?" I was like, "No, why?" She said she was yelling at T-Mobile and hates it and wishes she could cancel it. I told her to get Verizon and she said "I know." Then she said the word "squash" (not the food) at one point and added on that she was playing video games. (So NOT something I picture her doing). I said "You were?" She said, "Yes, on my phone. I was squashing things." Ha! I commented on how I liked her outfit and she said, "Thanks, I'm travelling." Hmm, wonder where she was going for the weekend. I see her Monday morning so she can't be going too far.Check Spelling

I HATE this cold weather. HATE IT!!!

I saw a play all about EDs the other day. It was good.

Problems

Major computer problems. Lots to write but will write tomorrow...oh, it is tomorrow. Will write when I wake up because I've been wanting to all day.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Reconnecting

After Charro I met up with a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other in 12 years and we didn't talk to each other until recently, thanks to facebook. Anyway, she's in town so we got together and hung out at the amazing apartment where she's staying. I don't know how we got on the topic, though I know I didn't bring it up, but she told me that she had an eating disorder and that she was bulimic, and that she never gave calories a thought until my best friend, and partner in crime, said something to her about calories. Nuts, huh? I never came out and said that I have an ED, but I'm guess that she probably knows and I wanted to ask her if she knew in high school about me. My guess is that she did, especially since she knew L and I hung out all the time and L's the one who got her started.

She's still obsessed with weighing herself, which scares me a bit because she has a 2 year old daughter. I came out and told her that I enjoy the scale as well. So weird.

We had a good time. She might be moving here in January. We shall see.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

More songs for Charro

I wrote some more songs for Charro, though these suck. I like the first one the best. They all pretty much suck though. I "sang" them for her but I didn't really sing, I got too shy and embarrassed, and I went through them really quickly.

Walking 4 Miles to Therapy - Winter Wonderland

Here I come from the East side.
When it snows, I try not to slide
On my way to west 12th, hoping to get svelt
Walking 4 miles to therapy.

I may come 3 times a week.
In the sun's where I'd rather be.
I'll do some talking and too much thinking
Walking 4 miles to therapy.

In the office the lamp is crooked.
I hate seeing people while I wait.
You come out to get me and we go in.
I always have dreams that I am late.

You ask are you having a psychotic episode.
I love the warmth and hate the cold.
I'll turn a corner, south of the border.
Walking 4 miles to therapy.

Uptown Girl - B. Joel (I don't have a name for this one)

Here I come, 3 days a week now isn't that fun?
I can talk about a lot of things.
Extra bucks means you can buy some bling.
But I won't cry.

In therapy...

Where I will come 3 times a week
and I will talk as much as I can
and not obsess over my lack of tan.
But I won't cry.

We call it "Carmine"
and I think that's fine.
I want some stick legs
that I can call mine.

She'll say tell me more about that
And I'll say
I just want some skinny legs.
Ones that look like nice long pegs.
I'm getting tired of my hambone thighs.
They're not so easy on the eyes.

I hope I'll talk in Therapy.
Where I will go three times a week.
Does that make me some kind of freak
I've got no paddle and I'm up a creek.
But I won't cry.
3 Days a Week - 8 Days a Week, The Beatles
Should I come one more time
I think it might work.
If you don't get sick of me
and think I'm a jerk.

Sitting, talking, sitting, talking.
Hope I'll do lots more talkings
3 days a week.

I'd come everyday here
but that be crazy.
Things that I might like to share
to set my mind free.
Who knows, not me, who knows, not me.
Hope I'll do lots more talking
3 days a week.

3 days a week
on the couch.
3 days a week.
When I run I put my stuff in a pouch.

Thawing out

I stood outside in the freezing cold for a few hours to catch a glimpse of, and hear a few songs from these guys...



They were good!! Now I'm wiped out from the cold and I have to go to Charro soon and then sprint to the gym to teach aerobics. Ugh. It's too cold out. I don't like it. I don't even feel like going to Charro. When I go a lot, I feel like going, when I miss a time or and away or something, I don't feel like going. I get out of the swing of things.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I am a tape player

I know I repeat myself a lot, but I love Bertha. I don't think I'll love Bertha after I go out to lunch, but I love Bertha right now. Charro, would not be a big fan of Bertha right now either but she doesn't have to see Bertha so I guess that doesn't matter. Besides, this would be grounds for firing...again, and I don't want that.

My eye is itchy and twitching and has been for two days now. I've had hives on my arms for 5 days too. Yuck!!

I love my cats!! (Just thought I'd throw that in there).

I have to make my dad a b-day cake and I am going to make applesauce as well. Busy day.

Does this comment, from my mother, do anything but make me feel umcomfortble and like I need to explain myself??

"That outfit makes you look so skinny. That outfit makes you look so skinny, kiddo."

And what's with having to say it twice? I guess that's where I get my repetition from.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Cleaned out

I feel like I've accomplished a lot over the weekend. My parents came and my mom and I worked in the kitchen while my dad did some other stuff for me. Yay! They stayed over and we finished the kitchen this morning. My dad and I went to the store and got stuff to make pancakes. He kept trying to get me to get a muffin but I kept telling him that I was going to have cereal. So, I made pancakes for them and I ate my mini bowl of Fiber One. (How could I be so blind to think that they wouldn't know I have an ED???) Geez, have I been that stupid all my life?

When they left I organized my closets. I was talking to Jen on the phone while I did it, so that helped pass the time a bit. Now my place looks nice and clean and spacious. I do, however, have to dust because there's a lot of dust around from all the work. That is going to have to wait. I also want to wax my floor.

I'm going home tomorrow for my dad's birthday. We're taking him out to lunch. (ugh, more meals with my rents). Hopefully that will get me out of eating dinner because we are eating lunch!! I had to eat enough meals yesterday!! I'll come back Tuesday and go see Charro and that's it. I'm sick of the stupid train ride though. My ass hurts on that thing!!

K, I'm done. I should probably talk to Charro about my post I wrote the other day, but I don't want to. Why do I have so much to talk to her about these days?? I'm seeing her more, you'd think I'd have less to talk about. So not the case, I end up with more.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Proof

My parents are here and we worked all day on my kitchen. We went out for a late lunch and then we went out for dinner too. Ugh! I know have proof that eating does make me gain weight. I had 3 meals today and I gained 4 pounds. I know that maybe a pound of it is water but, ugh, it all sucks!! I hate having to eat. I really hate it.

Now, will my parents leave early enough for me to go to the gym tomorrow. I have something to do in the afternoon so I need to be able to go workout before 1 PM. I need to run, run, run!!

I guess I'll go to bed now.

It's finally done

My parents are coming today to help me organize my new kitchen. It's finally done!! I'm excited.

I'm tired. I woke up early today, yesterday and at 4 AM the day before. Ugh!

I have so much more space in my apartment now. I think I can have a dance party. :) Now that my kitchen is done, Charro's going to want me to have a dinner party. Geez, she's so into that dinner party thing. How about a dance party instead of a dinner party, I can still call it a DP! :)

Can I go back to sleep now? Nope, gotta go to the gym. I did a load of dishes in my new dishwasher. They're sparkling. Yay!! My oven rocks too. Can't wait to use it.

It's so gross out today!! Nasty, I hope my parents don't cancel their plans to come here.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Food complications

I feel like I'm starting to get a little more obsessed again. I'm thinking more about how I need to work out more. I'm starting to obsess about my food consumption a little more, probably because I lost like a pound. One wouldn't think that that would make such a difference but I guess it does. Charro always tries to tell me that she thinks I'm more obsessed when I lose weight, I tried to tell her that I wasn't because I really believed I wasn't, but I think I am. Oh geez in a big box. I just feel like I can't let myself eat. Of course I am eating, but the fact that I will have three real meals today gets me a bit nervous. I don't know why all of a sudden this is becoming a problem again. Could it have to do with the fact that I've had no kitchen for a month, therefore have been unable to cook and haven't been eating (maybe) all that much? I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't know what's going on.

Right now I'm starving. I'm going to go get some lunch (still can't cook here but hopefully after today I will be able to) and I'm stressing over what to get because I have to go out to dinner tonight. I'm just afraid I'll gain weight. I don't want to tell Charro that I lost weight for two reasons; one: because it's probably just a "fluctuation" (as she would say) anyway, and two: because then she will make me gain weight.

Why does this all have to be SOOOO complicated!! I just want to have lunch and not have to worry about anything.

A wake up call

My phone woke me up this morning at 6:40. I wasn't quite sure what the noise was, but I knew it was my phone. I picked it up and it was Charro calling. I dropped my phone and it shut off. I wasn't sure if I had overslept or if she was cancelling. I called her back, she was cancelling because she's sick.

She answered the phone and said "Hi early bird." I was like "yeah." I don't think she could tell that she woke me up. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep, which sucks a butt, but whatever. I was looking forward to my sesh today too. I feel like I have so much to talk about these days. I think going three times a week has opened my talking gates. I feel like I could go everyday and still have enough to talk about. I don't even know what it is, but at least I'm talking I guess.

In other news, they BETTER finish my kitchen today or I will be so pissed!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Too full, too empty

I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and didn't fall back to sleep until 6. Ugh! I hate that. My brain was filled with crap and I couldn't stop thinking about things. I had less crap in my head when I saw Charro less. WTF?!! My head is just too full.

I was hungry too, which is probably another reason why I couldn't fall back to sleep. It happens. Whatever. I have the "I want to lose weight" feeling again and it doesn't even have anything to do with my weight. I don't know what it is, I just want to lose it. Maybe it's a control thing, I have no clue. It's not like I'm thinking oh I'm so fat, so I don't know what it is. I just want to see those numbers go down. They went down a little but I'm sure that's just a "fluctuation!"

I was at my gym at home the other day and one of the instructors came over to me and was like "You look smaller." My response, "I do?? Thanks!" I haven't gotten smaller, though maybe a bit more toned because I've been teaching more classes. I don't know, I don't care. It was a compliment.

I'm tired. I think I'll head to the gym soon. What else will I do. Sometime I just work out before I teach on Thursday nights, but I think I'll go now because I have nothing else to do.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'm just annoyed

I don't know how I'm feeling after my sesh tonight. I think I'm annoyed, but I'm not sure. I might be annoyed with Charro too, but the only reason why I'd be annoyed with her is because she didn't answer my question. I said, "You were a swimmer, weren't you?" She was like "Why?" I was like "You just were, I can tell." She goes "Because of my shoulders?" Then I felt stupid because I didn't want her to think I thought she had big shoulders. So I hid and then said "yes." She didn't answer me, of course, and that drives me insane.

We talked about a lot of stuff. I think I was getting emotional, not in a crying sort of way. I think I was just having some sort of feelings or something.

We talked about weight. She looked at her chart, which was right in front of her on her wall, and said "I'm looking at my chart." I commented about "her chart." I thought of Jen and "We have charts." (So do we!!!). She thinks I'm underweight but I disagree, and for some reason, she takes the high end weight of the chart and uses that as what is the low end weight. So basically, if the weight is 104-116, she's telling me that I should weight 113 because 104 is the "extremely low end," which really makes no sense, because why would they bother putting it on there if it was "under" what it should be? (that made no sense) UGH!!!

Blah. I don't even know what else. I might be hungry but I don't think I feel like eating. I think I'm just in a bad mood.

Stupid kitchen

I'm going on a hunger strike until my stupid kitchen is done. It's been 4 weeks now and no one is even working on it today. WTF? I am not eating out any more. I am sick of it and it's expensive!! I just won't eat anything but yogurt. Screw it!! This was supposed to take 2 weeks. WTF?

The list.

I think I need to revise my list and add on, except I forgot what it was that I wanted to add on.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Didn't make it through it all

Well, I didn't get through my whole list for Charro tonight. I guess it's a good thing I'm seeing her again tomorrow night. We talked a lot about Thanksgiving and how I'm not looking forward to it just being my parents and me. It will be weird. I told her that she should go in my place. I just don't want them staring at me the whole time and watching what I'm eating, or not eating, etc. It will not be cool. I mean, I eat with them and it's fine but this is a holiday so it will be different. Weird, first of all, because usually there are a ton of family members with us, but this year it looks like it will just be the three of us.

I don't know, we talked about a lot of things. I wish I had another 50 minutes to keep going. Let's hope tomorrow I can continue. Afterall, that's what I'm hoping for with this 3x/week thing.

Monday, November 10, 2008

My list for tomorrow

I've made a list of things to talk to Charro about tomorrow:

  • How it drives me insane that she's perfectly skinny
  • My sister and how I'm quite angry with her
  • My dream I had
  • My date

My guess is that I'll save the first thing on my list for last, or chicken out and not talk about it. I don't want her to get all self conscious. She never wears tight fitting clothing anyway so she's probably already aware of the fact that she has a good body (not in a vain way).

(EDIT)

The list just grew. Conversation between my parents and me at dinner"

M - "Were you really going to have us meet C?" (insert some strange name that she called her which I can't remember.

P- "Yes." (followed by "why?") "Because you guys always ask questions I thought it would calm your curiosity."

M- "Would she tell us what's going on with you?"

P and D - "No, she's not allowed to do that."

D- "You don't look like you're eating like you were. You were eating better before" (or something like that."

D- "I'd like to meet her. She's Italian."

M- "I though Charro (no joke, she called her CHARRO) was Spanish."

P- "Her name is C."

D- "How old is she? Oh, she's that young! What does she look like"

P- "She's tall, thin, pretty."

M- "Does she have an eating disorder?"

WTF??? Where the hell did Charro come from. I seriously might need to make this thing private!!!

Oh, M was mom, D was dad and P was me, in case you didn't get that.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Testing and other stuff

I really want to get my body fat done. Hmm, I wonder if anyone at the gym I teach at can do it. I think I'd rather have a guy do it than a girl. I'm going to have to investigate this. I know that it might not be a great idea but I really want to know what it is.

I took a long nap today. Felt so good and it was the perfect day for it. Rainy and gloomy. Then my cat puked.


Why does it bother me SO much that Charro is skinny? I know I've talked about this before but it's bothering me again. She looks thinner to me. She has the perfect body and it drives me insane. She says she eats whatever she wants and I just don't get it. I saw her arms the other day and they are skinny, she has great collar bones (we know how I feel about collar bones) and skinny legs. That bitch! (Just kidding). Though I am quite envious of her body and don't understand how she really can eat the way she says she does. It's not fair. It's not!! I guess I should probably talk about this with her...again. Maybe this time I should really let her know how I feel. I just don't want to make her self-conscious or anything and think she needs to wear baggy clothes around me or something. I feel like it's a double-edged sword. I just want to be skinny like she is. It's not fair.

Another doozy

Well, my date was a bit of a doozy. I walked in and I smelled B.O. I wasn't sure if it was him and then I decided it was. Then he managed to consume 9 beers and 3 shots in 4 hours. Um, not really a love connection there.

Friday, November 07, 2008

A date

I have a date in a few minutes. I think my pidos might pop out of my shirt and I don't even have any pidos. I met the guy on the train. We shall see.

I might need some apple before I head out. I had lunch at 3, which was also sort of dinner. I didn't finish it so I put it in the fridge. I got a veggie and black bean burrito. I just wasn't very hungry today. I did hear Charro's voice in my head saying "You need to eat even if you are not hungry." I guess I didn't listen to it.

I still have no kitchen so I can't cook. What a pain in the ass. It's been 3 weeks. It will be great when it's done though.

I hope this guy is cool...

Needs

I think Charro is more comfortable with me these days, perhaps it's because she sees me more now than her friends. She came out to get me and said her usual "hi" and then said (as I was walking in) "What's up?" The other day there was a little small talk while walking into her office as well. Then, as I was leaving today, she said "See ya later alligator." I thought that was cute.

I'm trying to figure out why it is that I don't feel like I should have needs. We talked about that a bit today but I can't figure it out. I don't know why I don't want people to worry about me or why I don't want to ask for help with things or need things. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm tired.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Am I hungry?

I can't figure out if I'm hungry or not. I don't think I am. I've been sitting here trying to figure it out for over an hour. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not hungry, that's a good thing. Charro would say that I have to eat even when I'm not hungry and that my hunger cues are off. Well, most of the time I know when I'm hungry.

I know it's only 2:30, but I'll probably eat dinner soon because I have to workout and teach later, and I never feel good when I eat right before I go.

It's so gloomy out today, but at least it's warm.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I think it will work

I had my first back to back with Charro tonight and I think it went pretty well. The first 5 minutes were uncomfortable because I was in a different office, and this office makes me nervous because it's more of a medical building.

I told her that I thought it was weird that I am seeing her three times a week, but I can't really figure out why I think it's weird. Maybe because it means that I need to be seen three times a week, I don't know. I also told her how I feel like I'm being a burden on her and that she's not really working and is making time for me when she doesn't have to be. I told her to cancel if something better comes up because I feel bad that she's doing this for me.

I don't know what else. She even referred to herself as "Charro" tonight, which was funny. She said that she "looks forward to seeing" me too, which was nice. This was when we were talking about how I worry that she will get sick of me. She said, "You don't think I'll be excited to see you?" I was like "Because you're getting up and cheering now?" That's when she said that.

Dumb

I shouldn't have wasted my time voting!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Here for a minute

I'm here...for 40 minutes at least. I've been on 21 trains since Friday. Ugh!!! I have to head out to Charro and then literally run to teach a class.

I went home to vote, but it probably won't matter because I don't think my guy is going to win anyway.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Wednesday I'll have free time...maybe

I have a very busy weekend. Actually, I'm very busy through Wednesday, but that's okay.

I ate WAY TOO MUCH at the rehearsal dinner last night. Actually, I never even touched my main course because I was too full. I did get it wrapped to bring home, because I hate wasting things, though I knew I probably wouldn't eat it. Well, I didn't bring it home with me because it stunk. It smelled like someone was dropping bombs. I kept getting a wiff of it and was like, man, someone is letting them rip and then I realized it was my dinner. Then I realized I have no fridge to put it in anyway so it would have gone bad. I don't look forward to all the food at the wedding tomorrow. Blah! I hope my dress still fits. Part of me feels the need to not really eat so much today.

Today I have to work out for 9 years and then go see my bro. Yeah!

I start seeing Charro three days a week next week.

Gotta get dressed.

Oh, the best man in the wedding is super cute. And I met a guy while waiting for the train last night. Ha!