Thursday, October 30, 2008
I have a rehearsal dinner tomorrow and a wedding on Sunday. So, LOTS of food and it won't be too fun. The wedding will be fun and hopefully I will dance up a storm so the food consumption will be counter acted by the dancing. Not like I eat all that much, but I will definitely be eating more than I should and more than I usually do. I will be very full, I'm sure. I can't work out the day either because I have to travel to the wedding and be ready for pictures in the morning.
I know I'm going to get comments telling me that I sound "obsessive" and that the "ED" is talking, but it's the way it is. Speaking of, I need to brush my teeth so I have no temptations to eat anything tonight. I had a big dinner at 5 and that was enough for the rest of the day.
I am thirsty as a beast though.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
So, I don't know which scale is correct, Bertha or B-2. Bertha has proven to be more accurate in the past.
With that said, I hope my mom starts making dinner soon because I really want my fajita chicken!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
So I brought up the 3x/week thing with Charro tonight. She asked why I think it would be helpful (again) and I said, "You're asking me that question?" She said "I'm supposed to ask questions." I said, "But I answered that on Friday." She said she wanted to hear my answer again because "sometimes answers change." I said, "Mine don't!" So I said, "I think the continuity would be helpful..." and she stopped me and said "You sound like me." I said "what do you mean? My voice?" She said "No, that sounds like something I would say, 'the continuity would be helpful.'" I said, "Well it would be, I think." We talked about it a little more and then I said "I didn't even need to write a song about this one." She said "Maybe you should. It's been a while since we've had a song from you." Ha, I guess she likes my songs.
I told her that my goal is to be able to talk more freely and I told her that I don't like to talk about my feelings (she said I'm good at writing them down on paper), so my goal is to work on that. She said that that is a really good goal.
So perhaps I will have to work on a 3 days/week song. Oh we never really decided what we are going to do, and when I asked her towards the end of our sesh she said, "We'll talk about that on Friday." [Geez]
I pulled out my first gray hair the other day. How traumatic. Oh well. I guess I can't stop dying my hair blonde now.
I have nothing else to say.
Monday, October 27, 2008
My cat got completely spooked by the saw and hasn't come out from under my bed. I feel so bad for him. I think he's traumatized.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I woke up at 3 AM on Friday and was awake for two hours. That was fun. I was starving too, so that probably didn't help. I've actually been eating more meals, which should make Charro happy. I'll have to tell her that on Tuesday.
Friday night I was bored. Saturday I was busy all day and then went to NJ. Hopped on an early train so I could teach a class this morning. Then I helped a friend paint her apartment. Then I did laundry.
Went to bed late last night because I was at a bachelorette party. It was a low-key dinner, which was really nice. I'm not a fan of the stupid antics of a bachelorette party.
I'm going to talk to Charro on Tuesday about the three days a week thing. I think I'm up for giving it a shot to see how it goes. I really think the continuity will help me to talk. I think she does too. We'll have to discuss it more on Tuesday.
I can't keep my eyes open. Bed time!
Friday, October 24, 2008
I told her this dream I had about my mom trying to force me to buy muffins and how I got so mad at her. She said "Do I represent your mom here?" I said, "Maybe, you're going to make me eat a muffin." Then we discussed the whole muffin thing and she said she'd pick up some nice homemade ones for us. I said, "I can pick them up." She said no and I asked her if she didn't trust me and she said "I don't think I'll like the fat free muffins you'll get." I told her I'd get real ones, though I didn't mention that mine would be low-fat. ;) She said that she would pick them up and thinks it would be good for me to not know where they are from. UGH!! Then she showed me the size with her hands and said "Not the really huge ones." I said, "how about this size (making them mini)" and she didn't go for that. We have not set a date for muffin eating, THANK GOODNESS!!
We then got on the topic of french fries because I said "I don't know why but I was craving cheese fries the other day." She asked me if I got them and I just gave her a look like what do you think? She said "You know who has great french fries (and I knew where this was going)..." and she said the place where she gets here "favorite lemonade" from. She said she would get them for us some day. I was like "Really, that's okay. We don't need to eat french fries." Please, NO muffins or fries!!
We talked about my sis a bit today, what's going on with her. We somehow got on the topic of when I go there. Oh, I know, I told her how I was trying to decide which day I would cut out if I had to cut one out. She said something which led to me saying (jokingly), "I'll come on Wednesdays." She said, "You could do that." I said "You're not here on Wed." and she said "No, I'm elsewhere." She went on to say that many people go to T 3x/week and that we could discuss it. We both think it might be helpful for me, as far as talking more. We both agreed that twice a week helped and the going three times might be even more beneficial. We shall see. I didn't even have to write a song for that one!! LOL
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
She told me about a month ago that she doesn't read it. I didn't think she did because why would she really waste her time reading my blog. I'm not the only person she works with and the last thing she would do would be to spend her free time reading about all my crap. Not her job. I'm working on the whole talking thing though...and I still suck at it!!! Maybe someday I'll get better at it.
So, embarrassing moment. I had to pee when I got there last night. Charro's 5 o'clock was in there so I waited for her to come out. Now, the bathroom is right next to Charro's office. I walked in after the other girl came out and it was a little stinky in there. I was in and out and two seconds, but after I went in, Charro went in there. So, of course I feel like she was thinking that I was the one who made the stinker in there. I hate that. You can hear the bathroom door open and close from her office so maybe she heard me go in and out really quickly. I hope she doesn't think I dropped the bomb. That was embarrassing. I worry about the dumbest things, but seriously, I know others think about that too.
So, Charro wants to pick up where we left off last night. I'm not really sure where that was. I did read her one of my posts and she thinks it's a good idea if I do that more often. Eh, I don't like that idea.
I think I might need some frozen yogurt today. And, what am I going to have for dinner?? I've had minestrone soup three days in a row. Maybe fro yo for dinner with an apple? I know, not all that healthy, but that's what I'm craving. It's not like I have it every night. I have to teach tonight so I'll probably be hungry after that too.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
birthdays and bills!
My sesh was good, I guess. I hid under my had and hooded sweatshirt. I pulled the strings on my sweatshirt so not much of my face was showing. (This was towards the end though). About midway through Charro says to me, "You're feisty today. Well you seem pissy, not pissy but irritated or angry. Are you?" I was said no. She said, "Would you tell me if you were?" I said "Yeah," but it came out kind of funny sounding and didn't sound so convincing so then I said "That didn't sound very convincing, but yes, I would tell you."
Got my notes. They were kind of boring, actually. Ha. Seriously though, I don't know what I'm expecting to see because I know she can't write that much in them. I think the first set I got were the best.
So, this is kind of funny, at the beginning I was rambling on about things and then I threw in "happy birthday." Charro gave the crazy how did you know it's my birthday look and said "Did I tell you it was my birthday? I just had it." I said, "No, you did? I was just saying it because I was thinking about how I can't wish you a happy birthday because I don't know when it is and that makes me feel bad." Then I asked when her b-day was. It was crazy. I've done that to people before on their actual b-day. I just had a feeling she was a fall baby by her personality or something. Either that or April. So, she probably thinks I'm stalking her or something because I wished her a happy birthday 2 weeks after it. I should have tried my luck and asked her how old she is. :)
My mom always says I have some psychic powers :)
Shiites, I'm sleepy. Time for bed.
Oh, I got the "How's the weighing going?" question tonight. I said, "It's going well." :) Yes, I am a wise ass. We discussed that further but I'm too tired to write about it.
So, those are just a few of the reasons why I would not go. Besides, I don't need to!!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I'll be living in a mess for the next two weeks while they gut out my kitchen and re-do it. It will be so worth it though, especially since I'm not paying for it.
I have a busy few weeks. I'm teaching 4 classes this week, which is good. I have a bachelorette party on Saturday. I have the rehearsal dinner next Friday and then the wedding. After that I'm in the clear for a while. I just need to make some serious money for all the Christmas and birthday presents I have to buy, which I've gotten a good head start on.
I am so tired right now and am so ready for bed. I wonder if it's because I walked for 2 hours today and the fall weather has knocked me out?? Or, maybe it's because it gets dark so early now.
I made minestrone soup to eat for the next week. I put way too much alphabet pasta in it and now it's thick and gross. Ew!! I better try to enjoy it since it will be my meal for the next 5 days. Maybe I'll spice things up a bit and have yogurt for lunch some days instead of soup for lunch and soup for dinner. Oooh!
I think I'll just go to bed now. I love sleep!! I can actually sleep a little later now that the sun doesn't beam into my place and I don't have to sleep with the window open.
I'm not going to like what the scale says tonight, I know that. Charro was proud that I only weighed myself twice while in Florida. It's kind of stupid that something like that can make someone proud. It's a bit crazy.
You know what would make me proud...losing 5 pounds.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I have yet to take her number out of my phone. I miss being able to call her up and hear her crazy voice and the crazy-funny things she had to say. She had a huge heart and an awesome sense of humor. I miss my P-Dawg.
I was at the store a few weeks ago and saw the perfect shirt for her. It made me sad that I couldn't buy it and send it to her.
I'm watching "THIN" right now because I had to hear Polly's voice. I needed to hear it for some reason. I wish I could call her up right now and chat like we used to.
I just watched one of the youtube videos she made and sent to me. We were on the phone chatting while she was making the video. It was done in April 2007, after my first visit to Charro.
I love P-Dawg. I miss that chick.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm still in that I need to be somewhat emaciated state right now. I'm thinking how nice it would be to just not eat and lose 10 pounds. Now, there is the sensible part of me that realizes weighing 90 pounds would not be healthy. I see that. It's more that I see it as being unhealthy on a scale rather than my body. It's not even like I'm feeling all that "fat" right now, so I don't know why I want to be boney. I do like some of my muscles, I just wish I had more bone showing. That probably sounds so sick.
Geez, I think these are the things Charro wants me to be sharing with her. We talked about how I write a lot about things but don't talk about them. That led (I'm having a moment and can't figure out if LED should have an A in it. It looks weird) to me saying "maybe you should just read my blog so you know what I'm thinking and feeling. She said that she thinks I have a hard time talking about anything that has feelings behind it. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I told her that I want to be able to talk more but I just suck at it. She said that I "don't suck." I think I do.
So, I don't know why I'm feeling this desire to be somewhat emaciated. Nothing is going on in my life to make me feel that way today. It's not like something tragic has happened. I don't know why the thought is there. It comes and goes because I know I've felt this way before. I wish I could just understand it all more. I also wish I could communicate better.
I cleaned and unpacked so I feel better about my apartment right now. Still have to take everything out of my cabinets.
Had my sesh with Charro this morning. We discussed my need to be tan. I just look and feel so much better when I am tan. I can't help it. She did say I was tanorexic. That, I did NOT deny at all. I fully agreed with her. I'm being completely serious too, I really do have a problem.
I put on my long sleeve shirt when I got up to leave, only to realize that my pants had been unbuttoned the entire time I was there. Nice, huh!
They start work on my kitchen on Monday which means that I will be without a kitchen for 2 weeks. I think that might concern Charro a little bit, but who knows.
I'm also having the I need to lose weight to really have an eating disorder feeling again. I don't know what that's about. I feel like I need to be really thin and fragile in order for it to count. I don't want to be fragile but I do want to be skinny.
I think I need to go lay out now.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I am sitting outside on the patio and the pool is beautiful, the air is perfect, the moon is full, and I just watched the Disney fireworks. I can see them from the house. I don't want to leave. I LOVE FLORIDA!!
I'm pretty much packed up. Three people left today and the rest of us leave tomorrow. They are all in the movie theatre room watching some movie. I'd rather be outside breathing in this lovely air.
I feel fat. I need to work out. I probably gained 3 pounds and I want to go up to my bosses bathroom and weigh myself but I guess I can't really do that. I hate food and stuff. I can't wait to work out in a gym tomorrow. I haven't freaked out at all about not weighing myself and all that crap. It's been fine for the most part. Charro might be pleased to hear that. However, if I get back and weigh 3 pounds more, or even two, I will be pissed.
I heard a rumor that my boss is going to let me stay at the house and lay out all day. I offered to take a few people to the airport so I could get out of part of the convention. I think he's going to let me out of the whole day. :) Woo hoo!!
I went for a short run yesterday morning. I saw some laps in the afternoon, and that is hard work. Kudos to all you swimmers out there because it's tiring. Then I went for another run with one of my co-workers. We only ran for 30 minutes but then walked for another 20. It was better than nothing. I only ran for 20 in the morning, but it was a fast one.
I haven't been freaking out about things. I haven't been eating huge meals either, so that's a good thing. I think some probably think I have an eating disorder...not sure why. ;).
I've been having a good time here.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I need to work out because I haven't. I will run and swim laps tomorrow, at some point in time. I NEED TO! Maybe a run in the morning and then another run before dinner. My hip is coming out of place again from standing for so long.
I've gone to Publix twice and that makes me happy. I'm having fun with everyone and our house is amazing.
Ok, bedtime. Hope everyone is doing okay,
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Yesterday I walked two miles, rode the bike at the gym for 2o minutes before teaching a class, and then went for a 15 mile bike ride. I needed to be active before coming here. I know my working out will be scarce here.
I really need to go to bed, as I am exhausted. I hate a late lunch and it was a big lunch, therefore I was not hungry when we ate dinner at 10 PM. I had a little bit of salad to please the people. I ate lunch at 3 PM so I know a long time had passed but I wasn't hungry and I was too tired. Now I'm way overtired. I guess I'll end this now.
Oh, there's a scale in the house. It's in kilograms but that's easy to convert. It's in my bosses bathroom so I guess I won't be using it too much, though I did contemplate stealing it out of this bathroom and putting it in mine before he got here. I probably should have done that. I'm not freaking out (yet) about not weighing myself this evening, though I'm sure that will happen at some point this week. I did weigh myself when I got here. :)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
I get mad at myself when I waste a "sesh" with Charro. That's kind of what I did on Tuesday so I didn't want to do that again today. I feel like I talked today. I actually wish I had more time to talk, especially since I won't see her again until next Friday.
We talked about how I like structure and I don't have much because my job is so flexible. She said that my workouts are structure and "therapy" is structure. I responded with, "I should start coming 5 times a week." She said something like "That's not a bad idea," but I know that won't happen for several reasons.
- I don't think that's normal
- It's not condusive to her schedule
- I can't afford it
- It's not condusive to my schedule
I think that's it. I was like "oh yeah, you'd love seeing me every day." She said, not in response to that, "I don't think that it would be good for you." She does, however, want to talk about it more.
We also discussed how I hate talking and suck at it. How I don't feel the need to cook for myself, like it's pointless to do so. I need a reason to cook, aka, people to cook for. She wants to change that.
Thank God there have been NO discussions of eating muffins. Phew!!! We do NOT need that.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Why do people beep their horns all day long? Do they really think honking their horn is going to do anything or help any? NOOOOOOOOO!!!! STOP BEEPING, PEOPLE!!!
I go to Florida on Sunday for work. There will be 8 of us staying in this huge house. I guess we'll be cooking, as opposed to dining out, which should be interesting. I didn't really give it any thought until Charro brought it up last night. I'm sure it will be fine. Although, I'm sure one of the girls I work with, who usually doesn't go on this trip with us, wouldn't be too surprised if she figured out I have some eating issues. She majored in psychology and she's pretty good at reading people, so I wouldn't be too shocked. I think she's already sort of aware of it, I think.
It's not 10:30 PM. I had to stop writing because I had to leave for my walk. Good walk and time with my friend. Saw K. Davis from Sex & City. How funny is that? Also saw a local news anchor. Ah, NYC. I have to say KD was the biggest star siting I've had though, and I didn't even watch that show.
I hope I was able to pop my hip in a little. I tried a lot tonight. It might feel a bit better but I'm not sure. My knee still hurts. We shall see. I'll have time to workout before my rents come in the morning and then I have to teach tomorrow night. I'm sure we'll do a lot of walking too. Don't think I'll be able to run to Charro's on Friday with this whole "injury" (for lack of a better word) situation.
Off to bed!
I worked out this morning and it was bothering me a bit, but it was okay. I took it easy and only worked out for 45 minutes, mainly because I knew I was going to be going for a nice long walk later today. I could use a nice, long nap though. Don't know why I'm so tired.
I've been cleaning a bit. My rents are coming to visit tomorrow. I'm going to take them to Little Italy for a late lunch, then I have to teach aerobics.
Is it a problem that I was supposed to get my period 19 days ago? NO, I an NOT pregnant. I haven't lost any weight and I'm not working out more. I hope I don't have a tumor or cyst or something. Oh well.
I had a wasted sesh with Charro last night. Maybe someday I'll actually talk about something. But, what the hell do I talk about?? I don't know.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
So now both outsides of my knees are hurting and I can't go downstairs. I guess it's a good thing I live in an elevator building. Geez in a big box. I think I was walking funny down the street.
I'm going to take some Aleve and hope I wake up pain free tomorrow. I think this usually goes away after a day or two.
I went for what would have been a nice run in the park this morning with my friend, but my lower back/hips were killing me. Last week I had my hip popped back into place; it comes out on occasion. The train seems to think it's because I'm too flexible. I never really considered myself to be all the flexible, but he seems to think so. Usually it's just one side that hurts when it's out of place, but today both sides, aka, my whole lower back was in pain. It was not good. Now my left lower back to my left knee, sort of the IT band down is hurting. Not a good thing. I'll have to see if I can figure out what's wrong and fix it myself.
My actual hips don't hurt, all the pain is in my back but it's because of my pelvis.
Monday, October 06, 2008
I think about my cat a lot and whether or not she is getting sick as the days go on. Sometimes I hold her and picture myself holding her while she takes her last breath. I held my old cat when they put her to sleep. It's making me so sad to think about right now. I just don't want her to leave me and I want to clone her!! My other cat is being so mean to her and biting her all the time. It's making me mad.
I can't wait til this election is over. I HATE politics. I should be more involved but politicians and politics drive me completely insane. I don't trust any of them. I feel like they're all slimeballs. With that said, I did do some work with one Congresswoman that I really do like. I used to interview her all the time and she actually kept her word when she offered to help me out with something. I guess they're not all scum.
12 minutes til bedtime. Charro tomorrow. Don't know what I'll talk about. I asked for my notes so she's supposed to bring them. Let's hope she remembers. If you haven't seen it, watch @ugust Rush.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
I think I'm just resigned to the fact that I'm going to be this way my whole life. Yes, I realize that is a choice, my choice, but it's so much easier to just do what I've done (and occasionally be miserable) than to try and change. Everything has always come so naturally and easy for me that I don't really want to put so much effort into the whole "recovery" thing. I'm too lazy I guess. Maybe some day I'll just snap out of it or something. Maybe Charro can snap her fingers and I'll be "better" or something. That would be nice. Maybe I'll ask her if she can do that on Tuesday.
Is the weather every going to get nice again? I guess it was nice yesterday afternoon. I went for a long walk in the park. I walked about 8 miles total yesterday, and taught kickboxing. One would think that I might lose weight at this point in my life. Though, I know I'm not working out hard enough. I'm slacking and not burning enough calories. I need to push myself more. I'm just so bored with it.
Friday, October 03, 2008
My heartrate was wicked high on my run again, but I really think it's because I'm running much faster and have the weather elements and hills to contend with.
Charro asked when I was at my "worst." I don't know why, but I thought that was weird to hear. I didn't really like hearing the word "worst," I think. I told her it was back when I was in high school. I remember not eating that much. I was playing 2 sports and working out, but I didn't join the gym until my junior year. I would venture to say that my sophomore year was my worst year. I weighed 92 pounds. I ate lettuce and veggie for lunch, dry cereal for breakfast, occasionally I "splurged" and got a bagel, dinner was usually whatever my mom made, though many times I just ate bread. I had stomach pains a lot. I loved that I weighed 92 pounds though, but was still trying to weigh less. I wanted to weigh 88. Geez.
I took diet pills sometimes, but not that often at all. I hung out with my friend L, who was also disordered, though she was bulimic. We watched ED movies, talked about food and calories, etc. It was great. I loved it. I miss having that kind of friendship.
So, that was my answer, without all of those details.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Today I got some serious shopping done. I went to the mall with my mom and ran into a girl I played lax with in college. I haven't seen here in 7 years but I knew it was her. Well, I actually I didn't really know which one of her it was because she and her identical twin sister both played.
I tried on like 9 pairs of jeans. Got none. I bought a wedding gift for the wedding I'm in and birthday and Christmas presents. My dad and my bro are set for both, as it my brother-in-law. That's a good feeling. Now I just have the girls and the kids to buy for.
I have to teach aerobics tonight and I don't feel like it, though I definitely need to burn some calories. I hate calories. It's cold and windy and I hope the wind dies down before I run to Charro tomorrow.