Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ugh, baked ziti

I slowly made it through dinner with Charro tonight. It wouldn't be so bad if I was hungry when we were actually eating, but I never am. She also made me eat twice as much as I would normally eat. I was/am full and I hate(d) it. I don't understand why I have to eat when I'm full? I don't get it and I don't like it. It took me about 40 minutes to eat my stupid baked ziti. We never discussed dessert so I was worried that she might just bring something. She didn't, so I was happy about that. She did say that she wanted some gelato and that she wishes she could find a way to get it and bring it in without it melting. Then she sort of thought she could do it and then wasn't so sure. Then she said "I wouldn't be opposed to having it for breakfast on a Friday. It's dairy." I said, "I don't think it would be open that early." She was like "yeah, you're right." Then she said we can have it at 6. I said, "I wouldn't be opposed to having it for dinner." She said, "That's the problem, it's not supposed to be a meal replacement." So why is it okay to have it for breakfast but not dinner??? I will have to ask her that question on Friday. Then she said "We should have muffins though." I told her that I don't like muffins and that I'm allergic to them, and she said "Everyone in your tribe says that." I like bran muffins but she said blueberry. Honestly, I was never really a huge blueberry muffin fan, I like other flavors much better. I don't think she'd let me have bran though. Whatever, I'm not going to push this breakfast to happen anytime soon. There's no way in hell I'm eating a whole muffin, that's for sure.

So, I still feel anxious about dinner though I know I didn't gain any weight from it (because I weighed myself when I got home). I hate being forced to eat when I am not hungry. I really hate it. I felt like I could have puked. I sometimes really wish I could just do it. I know how bad that sounds.

Geez, I just got really tired and need to go to bed.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Ew!

Why do I feel SOOO FAT and constricted in my clothes right now??!! EW!

More crazy dreams

So I've had some crazy dreams the past two nights. Last night, and I can't remember it too much which is really annoying, I dreamt that I was taken to a psych ward and put in there for an eating disorder. I remembered it so clearly when I woke up from the dream at 12:58 AM, but not I can't remember it. I just remember that my friends brought me there and I wanted to get out and I had no idea why I was there. Finally they told me that I was there for anorexia and that I was very thin and were showing me the other girls who were there and telling me that I looked like them. I remember feeling sad, scared, helpless and wanting to get the hell out of there.

Saturday night I had a dream that I was with some friends walking to Charro's and they didn't know where I was going but we were all walking together. It was 7:26 PM when we got off the subway and we were in the wrong spot. I thought I knew where we were and we could walk there and I could get to my 7:30 appointment on time.

Well, we wondered around in circles and it got dark out all of a sudden. I told them I needed to go because I had an appointment and I told them to meet me at a diner/bar nearby. I didn't have my phone with me so I told them not to call me. I also couldn't call Charro and tell her I was running late. At this point it was 7:37 PM and I was freaking out because I was late. I was running down the streets to get there. I tried to get a cab but there were people in it so I kept on running. When I finally got there it was like a new day and it was light out. I had my cat with me and my friend was there with me and I told her to watch my cat (who was hiding in a closet because she was scared) for me while I was in with Charro because she was really frightened because I took her out of my apartment.

I walked into Charro's office and there were 3 girls in pink bridesmaid dresses in there. At first I was bothered by the fact that they were in there during my time. One of the girls, two were sisters, left to go outside to get her picture taken. Charro then said that she'd be back because she had to go take the pictures. They all walked out and Charro had a (cast) boot on her foot.

That was it.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Serious boredom

I am SOOO bored.

I saw this woman at the gym this morning whom I ran next to a while back on the treadmill. I didn't see her all summer because she ran outside. Well, now she's back and she's lost some weight. She was never heavy to begin with. She was thin and fit. Now she's skinny and fit. She must be looking at me and thinking how fat I got. Part of me doesn't think she looks good, (her face), the rest of me is jealous of her body. She works out hard and was soaking wet by the end of her workout. Geez, I wish I had that kind of discipline.

I just tore apart my apartment looking for my paperwork to sign up for my 401K. I can't find it anywhere and it's driving me insane because I can usually find things.

I think it's time for me to ask Charro for my notes again. It's been about 5 months so it's time. She'll love that.

Another dinner on Tuesday night. I actually suggested it because I really feel like cooking but won't cook for myself. I'm making baked ziti. I'm thinking that I can put the fat free mozzarella on my part and the part-skim in hers. She'd never know. I know I'm sort of supposed to be challenging myself but let's face it, I wouldn't be eating it at all if I wasn't eating with her so what's the difference if I put fat free cheese in mine? Unless she pulls a switch-a-roo and gets the fat free cheese. She'd know right away and wouldn't be so thrilled. There was no mention of dessert so I hope she doesn't bring something. I'm REALLY hoping she doesn't bring something. I'm definitely not going to. I hope she doesn't email me and ask about dessert. That would suck. I could just say "don't worry about it," which to me means we don't need it but to her it might mean that I've taken care of it. :) She loves dessert but she's not getting any on Tuesday unless she brings is. I have no idea how to dish out the pasta either. Ugh, she's trusting me to give us each "normal" portions. I hate that!! I just want 5 bites!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I love when...

I weigh 3000 pounds. That makes me really happy. Grr. I had a decent workout, didn't eat too much today (I don't think) and I weigh 3000 pounds. I know, get rid of the stupid scale. No way, man. Can't do it. I apparently like to torture myself and make myself miserable. Fun stuff.

Maybe I will make some tea. I wish I could just not eat. I wish I had the will power to do that. That would be really night. I should have weigh 3000 pounds right now, that's all I know. I need to workout long and hard tomorrow again.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Charro, Take 2

So I went back to Charro this afternoon. Let me rewind, I went this morning and as I walked by her window, I noticed that it was dark in her office. I know she has an appointment before me but I thought that maybe for some reason the girl cancelled. Anyway, I got into the building and got a message from Charro profusely apologizing. She alarm didn't go off and she had just woken up. She just kept apologizing. She told me to call her back, so I did and she kept apologizing again. I told her that is was really fine and that that happens sometimes, not to worry about it. I told her that she must have needed the sleep. So, we rescheduled for our "old time," 3 PM.

I went back and again she apologized profusely. I told her again that it was really fine and that she shouldn't worry about it. It happens. I sat down and said, "I feel like I was just here." (jokingly). She said, "You were."

Anyway, we had a good "sesh." I like my 3 PM time. I think I miss it. I think we were both funny today too, yet accomplished what we needed to. I said something at one point that didn't need much explanation and Charro said, "Tell me about that." I said, "I just did" and she laughed. Then I was funny another time but I can't remember what I said.

I offered to make dinner for Tuesday night. She liked that.

We talked a little about why I don't eat when I'm hungry but time ran out. She said that she wants to talk more about that. Um, ok.

So, that was it. A good sesh...take two!

Charro in the morning

I have to leave for Charro in a half hour. It is so rainy and nasty out which means that I cannot run there. I am still not used to this 9 AM thing. It definitely cuts into my gym schedule, which I clearly don't like. I can go later, which is fine, but I really like working out first thing in the morning.

I also feel like I don't have anything to talk about in the morning. I don't feel like going this morning.

44 wants to meet for lunch today. I'm not sure about that. I don't want to go out. I have work I have to do when I get back from Charro and then I have to go to the gym too, probably around lunchtime. Who knows.

I forgot my raincoat at home. That's a problem since I think the rain is supposed to come down "sideways." I hate umbrellas because they never work for me. At least I have my new ugly rubber boots.

I need to get ready now.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Class from me, blah!

I'm off to teach aerobics and I look and feel so fat. I don't know who would want to take a fitness class from me. GROSS!! Fatness.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Today's thought

Every baked good, restaurant, and prepared food should have the calorie count and fat grams listed. That would make me happy. (And probably disgusted too)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Covering up

I get all nervous and embarrassed when I have to talk about things. It's much easier for me to write or talk with my face covered up. Tonight at Charro, I got embarrassed and it's not like we were talking about anything crazy. We were talking about eating disorder stuff, but it's still hard for me. I put my sweatshirt over my face and asked if I could keep it there. She actually said "yes" this time but wanted to know why I wanted it there. I told her it was easier for me to talk. I asked her if she could tell I was embarrasses and shy and she said "yes, you're face is red" then asked why I am shy when I can get up on stage with Martina in front of thousands of people and not be shy about that. I am just SO BAD at talking. I'm trying but I can't do it. I don't know how to make it easier.

I asked Charro why I don't believe her when she tells me that I have an eating disorder. She said it's because my "eating disorder won't let me believe it."

Ugh, this is so frustrating. I'll never change. I'll never "get better." This is my life now. This is normal for me. I guess I just don't have the desire to change. I am almost 31 and need to not be this way anymore, but I don't see any changes in the near future.

Acorns are dangerous

I was running through the park today when something smacked me in the nose. I thought someone had thrown a rock at me, but there was no one around who could have done it. Then I saw the acorn fall onto the ground after it hit me on the bridge of my nose. Felt pretty. It was pretty funny too. I think I have a mark though.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Fake

I'm going to bed hungry because I have to. I can't eat because I weigh too much. I hate weight. I hate numbers, yet I love numbers. I just want them to go down. I'll eat my fiber one when I wake up in the morning and then go to the gym. Maybe I'll go for a run in the park instead.

I'm looking forward to my walk to Charro's office tomorrow because I feel like I haven't done it in a while. I've run there, but haven't walked in a while. I'm looking forward to that nice walk. It feels good on my legs.

I need to shed some pounds. I'm not a very good "anorexic." Maybe I fit the profile of one mentally, but physically I don't, therefore I'm not one. I guess I'm a "fake anorexic." That's my new name for it.

Guess I should brush my teeth and go to bed. I wish I could eat. I'd like to eat, but I can't.

Used to it, but...

I've gotten used to Charro telling me that I have an eating disorder. I don't cringe or react anymore when she says it. Though she says it all the time, I still don't believe her. I don't understand how she can think I have an eating disorder or how she can think I'm anorexic. That one I really don't get. I honestly don't see how she can think I have an eating disorder.

(I'm blocking my face as I now get bombarded with comments telling me that I'm in complete denial.)

I plan on bringing these thoughts up with Charro tomorrow. Maybe she can explain it to me, or at least tell me why she thinks I have an ED. I think I eat too much, don't work out too much, don't throw up, and I am not underweight. I understand that my thoughts are a little crazy sometimes but I don't fit the diagnostic criteria.

I don't know. I'll talk to Charro tomorrow.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Concert review

Last night at this time Martina was just about ready to take the stage...

Went to the show with my friend L. We got there and some of M's crew was out there having people sign a dry erase board, they were putting the messages people wrote up during one of her songs. (Yes, I did make the big screen several times...during that song and then with the other cameras while hopping and dancing like a crazy girl.) So I wrote my message, two actually because they liked what I had said after I wrote my original message. Then I went inside the gates and saw this radio guy I know. He offered me backstage passes, which I already had. Geez, when it rains it pours. Then we went backstage. The radio guy knows Martina's manager, as do I, so he said he was going to tell him that I was there, which he already knew. So, I was last in line to see Martina and but the radio guy told M's manager I was back there and her manager yells out "hey midget, get up here!" I love him. So I went up there and he was taking pics of Martina and her fans. Then it was my turn. I walked over and she said, "Hey, How are you? It's been a while." I was like "Yeah." Then I said, "You know, if you want, I will get up and sing Love's the Only House" (my favorite song) for you." She said, "So I can take a break." I said, "Yes, really, I don't mind doing it at all." I stepped away from her and thanked her and then looked at the pic we had just taken and I said "Ew, I have 4 chins." M's husband says to me, "Nah, it's more like ten." He's funny. So I went up to him and was chatting and told him that I had sung with her before and asked him for the audio of it. Then proceeded to tell him that if I could sing with her that night that he wouldn't need to search for the audio and that he should really convince his wife to let me sing. Ha! I also go to see the other guy I know who works for him too.

So, went into the venue and before she came on, the audio guy got on the microphone and was saying my name for the entire venue to hear. He kept saying it over and over. Ha!

She took the stage and came over and pointed right at me and then a few songs later gave me a big smile. I thought for sure I was going to get to sing with her. I didn't. Such a sad night. Actually, I still had a blast. If you guys want to see the picture of us, not like anyone really cares, just drop me an email. I have to warn you that I have 6 faces/chins.

Martina Rocked!!

MARTINA ROCKED!
I'll write more later... :) I got my picture with her and I have four chins.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Not really feeling it

As of right now, I really do not feel like running to Charro tomorrow. It's just 4 miles, why am I dreading it so much? I just don't want to do it! I am still planning on forcing myself to do it, but if I start going and I am just not feeling it one bit, I'll hop on the subway or something. Ugh, though writing that I'd hop on the subway made me cringe. I can't allow myself to not run there. What am I thinking? But, what if I really don't want to do it? What if my body hurts when I do it? Maybe a good nights sleep will get me all ready to go. I must because it will be my only exercise for the day, minus me continuously jumping up and down at the concert like a Mexican jumping bean.

One would think that if I would just run if I really am dreading it so much right now. So, why do I force myself to do it?

I'm sleepy and my hair is wet.

Makes no sense to me

I don't get it. I have eaten non-stop since Friday night and today I lost weight. I don't get it. Ate dinner out Friday night, had the leftovers Saturday for lunch and dinner, ate out Tuesday night and Wednesday, had the leftovers for lunch yesterday and today. I ate lots of pasta and lots of bread and I just weighed myself and I lost weight. Now, I'm not going to get excited because I'm sure it some fluke, fucked up thing, but whatever. I will be happy if it's real. That just means that I can't eat too much tonight. I was planning on eating light anyway. I have to teach aerobics and then I may or may not be hungry (hopefully I won't be) when I get back tonight.

I don't feel thinner. I don't look thinner (not that I would look thinner because I didn't lose weight) but whatever. I'm where I should be.

I've got Martina tomorrow night and I need to find the perfect outfit to wear. One that is cool looking and makes me look skinny because Martina is 4 pounds. I go backstage before the show to meet her (well, I've met her several times already) and I want to ask her if I can sing with her, though I probably won't. We shall see. I can't wait though. I wonder if she will recognize me. I've met her several times and seen her around while in Nashville. Should be interesting.

I kind of don't feel like running to Charro tomorrow morning either. I know I have to because that is my only chance to work out. I know my legs are not going to want to do it. I ran about 7 miles yesterday and my knee hurt a little bit. I will see how I feel after teaching tonight. It didn't hurt while I was riding the bike this morning.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

For you, Single...

Honest opinions please, I don't care if they are offensive. I think they're okay. I do think that my butt looks big and my hips look wide. I won't even talk about my thighs.

I told Charro that my butt is like a shelf and you could eat off of it. She said "thanks for that image of eating off of your butt."

The butt shot is the worst of the pics, I must say.

that would be my cat in that one

EDIT: I'm not looking for comments about my weight, I just want to know if the jeans are flattering and I should keep them or not.

Got some

I got a pair of jeans yesterday. I don't know how I feel about them, I need a second opinion. They are actually short cropped jeans, but fit me perfectly lengthwise, if I wear boots over them. I was going to try them on for Charro so she could get some understanding for what I see and how I feel about my legs, but I didn't. I should of. I just don't think that she gets that I really do believe that my legs are huge and it's not some sort of crazy thought. It's factual. She keeps trying to tell me that logically, they can not be big if I am shopping in the juniors and petites section, but that has nothing do with my leg size. I'm sort of tempted to put them on and take a picture and post it on here to see if you guys think the jeans are ok but I'm hesitant to do so because I am not looking for people trying to tell me that my legs are not big. I kind of just want an honest opinion as to whether or not they look okay or not. Blah.

Martina in 3 days!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Chilly and I want to sleep

It's cloudy and cold out today. I have to go downtown to see a client and then I will go jean shopping before seeing Charro. Maybe that will be my Tuesday ritual. Then I will go meet up with some friends to go back to the Italian festival.

I'm quite sleepy. Not sure why. I guess I've been going to bed late and waking up early. Hate that. I had a lot of things I wanted to mention to Charro and I'm trying to remember what they all were but I'm having a hard time remembering. I have a lot of time to think about it, I guess. I really just want to take a nap though.

Hopefully I'll come out of the store with a pair of jeans. That would be really nice. We shall see.

Monday, September 15, 2008

How am I supposed to sleep?

How am I supposed to go to sleep after watching the season finale of The Cl0ser?? They left me hanging big time. It was such a good episode and now I have to wait until January to find out what happens.

I'm hungry but ate too much today. Oh well. I guess I should just go to bed.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

It's real, not psychosis

I'm having the I'm not thin enough and I eat too much feelings lately. Like I need to lose weight in order to really have a problem and warrant me going to see Charro. I guess those feelings are coupled with the I am too fat and need to lose weight feelings and the I can't stand my fat body and I really need to stop eating and lose weight thoughts and feelings.

I am grossed out by my body. I want to be skinny, stick-like, concave. Charro keeps asking me why I want "stick-legs." Well, because they look good in pants and my legs do not. That's why I want stick legs.


I feel like I need to be the skinniest person that Charro sees. I don't know if that translates to being the "sickest" person or what. I just feel like I'm not "sick enough" to be going to see her. I feel like her other patients would see me and think that I can't possibly have an eating disorder, that I'm too fat for that. I don't want to look like those deathly anorexic people I pass on the streets, but I want to at least look like I belong in Charro's office.

My stomach is fat too. I feel like I am too fat to be teaching aerobics, like I don't look fit enough to be instructing others. Ew! I am going to look like a cow next to Martina too.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Yesterday rocked!!!

Started my day off with Charro and then did a little work. (That wasn't very rockin'). Later on I hopped on a train and went to NJ to get my dress for the wedding I'm in. I checked my email while I was waiting for the train to depart and had an email from Martina's fanclub prez. (Yes, I am a loser who is in the fanclub) I won two tickets and backstage passes to her concert next week. WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO! I am SOOOOOO FREAKING EXCITED!!! (to say the least) So, that was the start of my good day.

Got to NJ and my roommate from college, whose wedding I'm in, picked me up and we got the dress, went to her house and then came back to NYC with her family. We went to dinner and went to the San Gennar0 Festival in Little Italy. I was SO hungry, I was about to die. I ate breakfast before 11:30 and we didn't eat dinner until about 8:15 PM. I hadn't eaten since breakfast.

Dinner was a blast and the food was great. I was SO incredibly and disgustingly full that I wanted to die. I thought I'd never want to eat again. For some reason I woke up hungry at 5:30 this morning. What's that about??

After dinner we walked around. It was nice because it wasn't too crowded because it had been raining a lot. I do need to go back to the festival before it's over. I clearly have the time.
I thought I would have gained a million pounds from dinner but I didn't. I have to go to the gym this morning and then I'm going to play soccer and get my ass whipped by a bunch of guys. Should be fun!! I figured it's a good way to meet guys.


44 is still hanging around. Told him I just wanted to be friends but he wasn't pleased with that and wants to date me. I like hanging out with him but I'm not attracted to him in that way...maybe because he's 44, I don't know.

Maybe my good luck yesterday had something to do with this....

This landed on my arm the other day. Who knew they had praying mantisses in NYC.

Friday, September 12, 2008

I thought it was funny...

Charro and I were discussing the whole jean/leg issue again today. She was trying to tell me that my legs really aren't "huge" and stuff and that I only feel like they are. She asked me if I could see that they really aren't as big as I think they are, or something like that, I know it wasn't in those words. I said, "No, I know they really are that big." (or something like that) and she said, "Are you having an episode of psychosis because if you are, we really need to talk about that?!" I looked at her and laughed. She was dead serious, I don't know why I found it so funny. No, I'm not having an episode of psychosis, thanks for asking though.

I told her that I am going to go jean shopping again on Tuesday before I see her. She said that it's good exposure therapy. Ya, I know. So, we shall see what happens with that.


On a side note, she saw the Olsen twins walking down the street the other day. She said that "Mary-Kate had that whole heroin look going on." I asked her if she gave them her card. LOL.

I need to shower now. Perhaps I will write more later. I just needed to write that psychosis thing down before I forgot it because I know I will go back and look at it and laugh somewhere down the road.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Everyone/thing is back

My cats are back with me and I am SO HAPPY about that. We all took a nap on my bed earlier. They are both sleeping now and are so cute. So, they're back...

So is my fatness!! I have fatness. I have feeling and looking huge. I have to go for a dress fitting tomorrow for a wedding I'm in too. That will be fun. Maybe I will lose 4 pounds by then. I will be running to my appointment with Charro. My heart rate will hopefully be under 191 this time. I should probably run back too. Or, maybe I will go jean shopping again...or maybe I should save that until next Tuesday before I see Charro again. I think going before I see her is a better idea.

I just need to not be so fat right now. My stomach looked huge while I was teaching aerobics tonight. I can't deal. It needs to be concave.

I think the shirt I just put on smells funny.

Just wanted to take a second to remember those who lost their lives and those families and friends of loved one who lose their lives seven years ago today. It's my first September living in New York City. I can seem the beams of light that are shining in place of the Twin Towers.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

More on jeans and other stuff

I am home and my little Squish is asleep on my lap. The little guy was asleep on the kitchen table (mom loves when he does that). They are coming back to NY with me tomorrow. Yay! I hope it's not too traumatizing for everyone.

I wore jeans tonight. Had to go to the grocery store and wally world to get some things. It's official, my legs really are huge. I put on my Levi's, because that was really the only pair of jeans I had to choose from in my draw here, and they were tight. I learned that Levi's are Charro's jeans of choice. I bet they look a hell of a lot better on her than I do on me. In fact, I'm sure of it. I just look like shit in all pants and I am not going to wear pants anymore. I will go naked!!

I was going to go in to Charro's on Friday and apologize for my yuckiness last night, then I realized that I am allowed to be in a crappy mood, or angry, or whatever, while I'm in there. It's okay for me to be that way. It's the only place I'm allowed and I don't have to pretend to be happy or whatever. I kind of like that. I don't have to pretend in there.

I need to put my clothes in the dryer but I can't disturb the little one. She's too sweet. I can't wait to have them both with me all the time. I need to give them love all day long. I really just hate that I have to worry about her all the time and wonder when she's going to get sick and not be with me anymore. Okay, I might start crying in a second so I need to get rid of those thoughts...help!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Jeans, jeans, jeans

I went jean shopping before Charro. I found one pair that fit but I didn't like the color. All the others I tried on were way too long and I hated my thighs in them. I HATE my thighs!!! HATE THEM!!! I should be happy and thankful that they get me where I need to go but I just really hate them.

I intentionally went jean shopping before I saw Charro because I knew it would put me in a foul mood and I thought it would be a good idea to do that and then be able to talk about it. So, I got there and I kept saying how I "hate my legs and want to chop them off" (not at the knees but my inner and outer thighs). She said this seems like body dysmorphia and asked if I could see that I was "psychotic" at this point. She told me she sensed that I was angry and that it was okay to be angry. She wanted to know "what was behind the anger." She didn't think it could be solely from my jean debacle. Surely it was, it happens everytime I go jean shopping. I told her that that is why I planned to go right before I saw her. She thought that was a good idea.

She just could grasp the concept of how fat my thighs are and how much I hate pants and stuff. I told her that she should come jean shopping with me and then she'd know. Then I told her I was going to buy a bunch of jeans and bring them into her office and try them on so she could see how big my thighs are. She said, "That would be a good exposure exercise." I was like, "No thanks! I'd be exposing a bit too much of my attitude."

I was sort of bouncing all over the place in there tonight. (literally). I said, "I'm in rare form tonight," she said, "Yes you are bouncing all around."

At one point Britney S. came up and Charro asked if I had seen the VMAs. She wanted to know how BS did and I said that I had seen her on the news but that she hadn't performed, just announced something. She said "I feel bad for her." I said, "I want to see her fall on her face." I then added, "And I think @my Wh1nehouse should die." (okay, that was a bit harsh.) Charro goes, "and I haven't sensed any anger from you up until now." (she was kidding).

I can't remember anything else. I just complained about my huge legs the whole time.

Finally, I have gas!!!

In my apartment!! I haven't had gas for 2 months, well, it's back and now I can cook again. Great, Charro is going to love that and expect me to actually do that now so that I have no excuses to not eat. Hmm, not sure how I feel about that.

I think I'll go jean shopping before my appointment tonight. That's just a disaster in the making, especially considering the fact I am already looking and feeling extremely fat right now. Why not torture myself?? Atleast I can go talk about it after...when I'm in a really bad mood. I just need to get out of here because I am so bored.

Have I mentioned before how much I HATE jean shopping?? They are always too long and my ass and thighs are too big and look horrible in jeans!! HATE IT!!

Clothes...yuck

I'm having one of those I look fat in everything I put on days. Gotta love those.

I went to the gym, showered and put on my workout clothes for tonight because I'm going back to the gym to teach a class. I just look huge in everything and I hate it. Blah.

I'm gonna have to haul ass from Charro to the gym to get there in time to teach. I should make it okay. Let's hope.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Why am I so unsure?

I don't know what to do about dinner. I feel like I shouldn't eat. I guess this is sort of what I was feeling in my earlier post too, but now that feeling is a little more intense. I just feel like I shouldn't be consuming any calories. I feel like I should just have a yogurt for dinner and call it a night. I don't really need feed, what I need is to lose weight.

Is it really that necessary?

I'm thinking I really don't need food. Okay, I know I need food, but I don't really need it. Seriously, I'm sure I can get by on a lot less. I know if I was reading this on someone else's blog I would disagree, but since it's me writing it, it's okay. You guys need to eat. You need to be healthy. I don't really know what I'm saying but I don't really think I need to eat. It's not like I get pleasure out of it. I don't really enjoy it, so why do it? I know I need to eat somethings, but whatever.

Sometimes I'm really hungry and want to eat. Lots I'm hungry and don't want to eat. Lots I'm not hungry and don't want to eat. Rarely I'm not hungry and want to eat something.

Whatever...

Sometimes I hate dreams

I had a dream that I took my cat to the vet to get her stitches out and they found another lump on her leg. I was devastated. I know that I'm going to be feeling her leg obsessively, even more than I was before. Truth is, she may never get another tumor on her leg, it might go straight to her organs. :(

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Oh well

I'm hungry, but I've already brushed my teeth. Guess I will have to remain hungry until breakfast.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Bored out of my mind

I am so incredibly bored. Like, I'm dying over here bored. [geez]. I have an ED book I can read so I think I will hunker down in bed and do that for a while.

I ate too much today. I was starving for some reason when I got home from the gym. Okay, that reason was probably because it had been over 5 hours since I had eaten breakfast and I was hungry before I even went to teach class. Not the point, the point is that I ate too much throughout the day and now I need to expend some energy. Though, I think I might be getting tired, which is a good thing.

I weigh too much, that's for sure. I do know that. I need to take care of that. I'm not as obsessed as I used to be and don't get all crazy upset like I used to (well, sometimes), so I guess that's a good thing. I just want to be skinny.

Waiting for the storm

I'm waiting for the rain to come. Not just a little rain, but 6 inches of torrential downpours and wind from the lovely Hanna. Right now the sun is sort of out. I think I'll pick up a puzzle on my way home from the gym today.

I don't what I'm thinking right now. I kind of feel like I've been doing a lot of thinking but can't really figure it all out and put it all together to write it down. Everything's all jumbled up.

Told the 44 year old that I just wanted to be friends. That didn't go over so well and he still tried to kiss me. I really do enjoy spending time with him. We went on a great bike ride around the city yesterday. We started out on the East side and went down the South Street Seaport, got frozen yogurt, then rode to the west side. It was my first bike riding experience in NYC. It actually didn't scare me shitless because we weren't really on the street at all. It was fun though.

So I'm thinking about having my parents come to Charro...

I would only have them come in and meet her and then leave. I do not want them there the whole time, that's for sure. I also don't want them to ask me any questions after coming out of there. NO talking about it please. So, I don't know what I will do. If this happens, it might happen on Friday. I think, or hope, that by them meeting her they will feel more comfortable with everything and maybe stop asking me so many questions. Maybe they'd see that I'm in good hands and wouldn't worry so much. That's what I'm hoping for. I'm sure I'll have more to write about on this later. It's kind of a bit scary to think about, but Charro is kind of a major part of my life now so I sort of feel that it might be helpful for everyone if they put faces with names, especially for Charro. It always helps me to be able to put a face with a name or to be able to picture someone's house. (for example, I like that I've been to my sister's new place so I can picture where she is living. There's something calming about that.)

I'm bored...

Friday, September 05, 2008

2 years

It was two years ago today that my grandmother died. As I was running to Charro's this morning, I passed a place that smelled like how my grandma's house smelled. It was nice. I love my grandma.

My run to Charro's was not so nice. I was dying. My heart rate was 191. My legs were tired. I was tired. It was not that pleasant. I guess I don't realize how much faster I'm running when I run by myself outside. Plus there are hills and weather factors. It's not like I was running at lightening speed, but it took me 35 minutes to go 4 miles and that includes stopping several times because people were in my way, or I had to wait for the light to change.

Now my head is floaty, like I'm a bit dehydrated. I'm trying to drink, drink, drink, but my stomach can't take anymore water.

My appointment was good though. I was pretty sweaty but Charro didn't care. I said, "I'm getting the couch all sweaty." She was like, "So. It's ok." I was like, "That's not gross?" She said "No, I'm not grossed out by it at all." I said, "That's because you're not sitting on it." LOL.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

My brain hurts

on the roof last night
I did a lot of thinking yesterday about stuff. My brain is tired. I had a deep IM conversation with my friend C. last night too, probably brought on by all my thinking. We've been friends forever and knew all through high school that I had an ed. Now she's a social worker. She's always been good at listening and giving advice.

Had another IM conversation with another friend earlier in the day. Both conversations were good ones, intense ones with things I needed to hear. I know both of these people would stick me in a treatment facility if they could.
I'm going nowhere with this, it's pointless. I could talk to both of these friends all day long about stuff, but neither of them need to hear it. The last thing they need is do deal with my and my crap...that's for sure. They say they don't mind but I don't want them to dread conversations with me.
Onto other things, it really bums me out that people can eat whatever they want and not gain weight and not care about what goes in their mouths. I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to eat things that I really want and not have to care about it. It's not fair. Charro was so excited about the dinner the other night, then she was telling me about the other things she likes to eat and it's just not fair. Why can she eat all this fattening stuff and still be skinny?? She probably doesn't even work out. I want to ask her if she does tomorrow when I see her.
Blah!! That's all there is left to say.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

And the dinner...

Dinner...

I was standing outside of Charro's office, out on the street, checking my email, about to email my friend to say "I'm going to throw up," when Charro walked up and said "Hi, wanna come in and get started?" I said, "Sure, can't wait." As we were walking in she said, I'm excited, aren't you." I go "Oh yeah, thrilled. The she said, "I'm hungry, are you?' I was like "Oh yeah, starved." (Both said in a very unenthusiastic tone).

So we walked into her office and arranged our little table. She whipped out the infamous lemonade that she always talks about and tells me that I need to try. She was so excited about it. Then she whipped out the grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches. Woo hoo. She started eating and I kind of sat there and was like "I'll just eat it really quickly to get it over with." I sat there some more and then she told me that I needed to start eating. I really wanted to rip it apart and eat it but she wouldn't let me, I had to take bites. ugh. I wanted to rip it so badly to avoid the whole food in the teeth thing.

After the first half, I was full. I didn't want anymore but I didn't have a choice. So I ate it and I was so full. Blah. Oh, she brought a pickle too, it was fat and cut up. She was so excited about the pickle and that was the first thing she ate. (we were sharing it). I forgot the pickle was there and when I remembered I said "Do I have to eat the pickle?" She said, "No. Why, you don't want it?" I said "No." She goes "Good! I mean, not good, but I really wanted it." I thought that was funny.

Onto dessert...I made apple strudel. It looked so ugly and crappy that I was embarrassed to bring it, but Charro, in an earlier email, said "Please bring dessert." I warned her that it was very messy and would get in our teeth and that it was easier to break apart to eat, rather than bite it. She didn't like that idea at first so we had to bite. Phyllo dough was going everywhere. At one point I saw her picking at it and totally called her out on it. She was like "I know." A few minutes later she said, "You're right, it is easier to break it apart." YAY, I got to break instead of bite. She was like "You're not appreciating your baking?" I said, "No, I'm too full. If I was hungry I'd like it." I still don't understand WHY I have to eat when I'm full. She says that my hunger cues are off but I disagree.

So, that was dinner. It wasn't too bad. I woke up at 4:30 this morning freaking out about it for some reason though. I don't know why, but it was freaking me out and then I couldn't get back to sleep. I finally fell back to sleep after 6 AM. Ugh.

So now she wants to eat breakfast on Fridays. She enjoys these meals way too much. I asked her if I could bring my Fiber One and she said "Absolutely not!" I told her I'd bring my bowls too. I told her that she'd really love them. Then she told me that I had shown her one once. I said "I did?" She said "Yes, two offices ago." I totally don't remember this. I asked her what color it was and she said "light green." Geez, I guess I did show her my bowls but I really don't know how I don't remember this. Weird.


I guess I should eat my breakfast out of my little bowl now. It's sitting in milk getting soggy for me, just the way I like it.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Visit to the vet

I love my vet. She is so great. Anyway, we talked about options. She said she could sling up T's leg to see how she would get around on her other leg, which has been deformed since birth. I told her that I was leaning towards doing nothing more. I told her that I didn't want to put her through anything more trauma and she totally understood that.

She came in the room and said "I was thinking about T. this morning..." How nice is that? She was thinking about my cat. It made me feel good. She also said, "She is such a sweet cat and reminds me of one of mine, the oldest one." She has 6 cats.

So I left the vet, sad that I know the next time I go back with her probably won't be fun. Both my kids will come back to NY with me next week.

I was going to write about my dinner with Charro tonight but now I'm too tired. I need to do it in the morning before I forget everything.

Today won't be good

I head to the vet in less than two hours to get what's left of my little one's stitches out. I think there 2 or 3 left out of the 15 or so that she had. Oh well. I'm going to have to talk to the vet and figure out a lot of things. Ugh, it won't be fun. As of right now, I'm leaning towards not doing anything because I can't put her through an amputation and radiation. She's too traumatized already. I just love her so much and don't want her to suffer.

I also have dinner with Charro tonight. Ugh! She's bringing it and I don't know what it is, though I'm guessing eggplant parm. I feel like I have too much to talk about, we didn't get to firm things up because she cancelled on Friday, and I don't have much of an appetite these days. Should be a really good time.