Thursday, July 31, 2008

I miss...

I miss my cats who are at my parents house. My apartment is so sad and empty without them. It's not the same. I miss my nephews who are 6 time zones and another continent away. I hate that I just can't pick up the phone and call my sister whenever I want.

I'm in a sad/funky mood tonight and I don't really know why. I went to teach aerobics and no one showed up, which I was kind of happy about. Although, I always think it's a reflection on my teaching and me and that they hate my class.

My mood turned yucky on my walk there. I was thinking about how I just want to go away for a while. I would love to just go back to Europe for a month or two. (Two might be pushing it.) I felt like I didn't have to think about anything or worry about anything. I mean, I still did a little bit, but for the most part I just had to be okay with everything. I feel like if I lived there with my sister for a month or two I would be a lot better. I don't think I'm "sick" or have an eating disorder, things just seemed easier there. I think I'm just really delusional right now, I don't know what I'm saying.

I hate that my feet are feeling dry right now. It's bothering me so much that I need to stop and put on lotion. Ok, that's better. I can't stand that feeling, it makes me like twitch or something.

I really miss my nephews and I'm worried about my cat. I never heard from the specialist. Ugh, my vet is on vacation as of tomorrow too, so I can't call her. I just hope the he calls me. I need to get my squish checked out as soon as possible. I hate that they're not here with me. :(

I still haven't unpacked and I don't see that happening tonight either because I just don't want to!

Cat news

I took my cats to the vet yesterday. The lump on my Squish got bigger while I was gone. My vet, whom I love, isn't sure if it's a fibroid or if her cancer is back. She got a second opinion and that doc didn't know either. My options: radiation, surgery, surgery and radiation, biopsy, have her see the specialist who did her last surgery. So, I'm going to have to see the specialist and hopefully he can tell what it is by feeling around in there. If not, then we open her up and take it out. If it's cancer, then she could undergo radiation to kill anything. I'm not so sure about that though. I opted not to stick a needle in it because, if it is cancer, that could upset it and make it spread faster. So now I'm just waiting to hear from the specialist to see when he can see her. Both my kids will be staying at my parents house until I figure out what squish needs. It will be lonely at my apartment. :( I REALLY hope it's just a fibroid!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Early train rides

It’s before 6 AM Wednesday morning. I woke up at 4 AM, which is 10 AM Amsterdam time. I went to bed at 3 AM Amsterdam time. I’m wide awake. I wish I could have gone to the gym, but I’m heading home. I literally ran to catch the train because I waited forever for the subway.


I was just thinking about this while I was on the subway. I realized that I’d be too bored if I didn’t put forth all this time in energy into my body and weight and stuff. What would I do if I didn’t do that? I think it’s also of lot of who I am now. It’s expected of me to act a certain way around food and not eat certain things.


I ate like a normal person while I was away, for the most part. Three meals, but not really any snacks. I was starving by the time we ate our meals and devoured them. When I told Charro that, she said she would rather have me eat meals than “graze” the way I do, even if it meant not having snacks. (I had told her that if I ate three meals I wouldn’t eat anything in between them and I’d wait until I was starving to eat again). She didn’t think that was the best plan, but said it would be better than what I do. Cleary, I don’t think that will be happening unless I start cooking for myself everyday, and even then, my meals aren’t like the ones I had when I was away. I ate sandwiches, salads, and had pasta one night and pizza. I didn’t have time to think about food or “graze.” We were on the go all day and all night so we ate when we ate. I didn’t think much about weighing myself. There wasn’t time to obsess about everything so much. I definitely did have my moments, one of which I emailed Charro while I was freaking out and she got back to, but for the most part things were good. I was too busy to worry.


I wish I could go back, spend my life away, on vacation. Maybe if I win the lotto or something. Who knows. Charro and I talked a little about how she thinks that boredom plays a big role in this. I have to agree with her and I am sure we will further “explore” that on Friday.So I didn’t gain weight either. I was sure I would have. It’s sort of amazing. I don’t know if I ate more than I usually do, but I feel like I might of because I was eating actual meals. I couldn’t mess with the menu either, I just had to order what they had. I did take cheese of some things, but other than that, I ate. I ate cheese too and I didn’t die. I didn’t gain any weight, probably because I lost muscle!!!


I think I’m getting a little tired. Hopefully I will be able to take a little nap on here.


I don’t know why this train is stopping at all of these stupid stops!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Time to leave

It's 1 AM back in the world which I will be in later this afternoon, and 7 AM here. I don't want to go home. I don't want to get back to my life and everyday boring routine. I like being here, in the European swing of things. I don't want to leave my little nephews and not see them again for 6 months. I don't want to sit on an airplane for 8 hours. I had 5 hours of sleep last night in hopes of making it easier for me to sleep on the plane. We shall see.

We all went out to dinner last night and then I went for a run at 10 PM when we got home. It didn't really count as a run because it was so short. It was more like a 15 minute sprint. Why did I go running at 10 PM?? Because I could. It was so nice out and still light. It was the perfect running weather. I loved it. My stomach didn't love it so much, since I had just finished eating like 45 minutes before that. If dinner happened to end up on the sidewalk, that would have been ok. I don't think I was really running because of my meal, though who knows. That was a little bit of the reason.

So I have to pack up and head to the train station and airport. Sad day for me. I'm planning on coming back next June and going to Italy!! I figure I'll go away the same time as Charro so that our vacations coincide and I won't miss out on going.


IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, CHECK OUT THE PHOTO BELOW!!!!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

My new boyfriend

You can't see it, but he was rollerblading like that. And in case you missed it, look at his ass!

Pay to pee

This is my biggest problem with Europe, they make you pay to use the bathroom!!! Even at a restaurant. What's up with that?? I always have to pee. I guess it's more like at public places like train stations, beaches, and parks (the restaurants at these places), but still, if I'm eating at the restaurant I shouldn't have to pay to use the bathroom!!!

I have one more day here. It will be so hard to leave my little boys. I won't see them again until Christmas, or maybe sometime in October, who knows. I'm used to seeing them twice a week. I'm also sort of ready to go home. There's not much more to see here but I've definitely enjoyed my time.

Of course I can't wait to weigh myself when I get back. It will be that nervous weigh in because I'm afraid of what the number will be. I also see Charro tomorrow night. I'm sure I'll be wide awake for that. Hopefully I'll sleep on the plane!! I should see if I can check in for my flight now.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Funny

All of my browsers have converted over to Dutch. Blogger, google, and even my yahoo email is now dutch! How funny.

I went for a run this morning. It's so nice to run here. I sweat so much here though, which is really weird. I don't mind though.

Took the train to Belgium yesterday. I've started another blog to write about my trip and post videos and pictures and stuff but it's just in the beginning stages, so when it gets done, if you want to see it I will give you the link because I am going to keep it private.

Whoops, I totally forgot I was blogging because I started working on something else.

Gotta jet...(or hop on a boat rather)

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Fat rolls...

EVERYWHERE!!!

And a headache due to dehydration.

Friday, July 25, 2008

:)

The good news is...

NO DINNER TONIGHT!!! YAY!!!!

It's starting

I'm starting to freak out. I feel so disgustingly fat right now, and I know I look all flabby too. I can't take it. I did fine for a few days and now I'm starting to lose it. I just want to have B-Sat and run for 9 years and never eat again.

We've eaten out for lunch and dinner every day. I am so sick of food. I don't know when the last time I ate so many meals was. That will be ending soon. I am sure I've already gained 5 pounds. I know it. I feel it and see it!! Ugh.

We didn't end up going to Paris. Might take a day trip tomorrow. My sister just fell asleep on the couch and her mouth is hanging open. Her cat is sitting on top of her.

I need to go do some shopping, since I haven't done that yet. I need to go running too. Good thing it's light here until after 10 PM. I totally love that.

Hope you're all well.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I like it here

Hmm, what did I do today??

Woke up and ran. It was so nice out and so nice to run around here.

Went to the beach with my sis and her family. Also very nice, though the train was more crowded than a NYC subway at rush hour and hotter than hell.

Saw a lot of boobs on the beach. Big ones, old saggy ones, torpedoes, cones...you get the picture. Did not go all the way into the North Sea as it was a little chilly, as one might expect.

Saw some windmills on the train ride home.

Showered and went to the marketplace and ate dinner. Dropped the boys off and my sis and I continued on to the Red Light District, which was quite humorous. I got yelled at by a window girl for taking a picture. "No Picture! No picture!!" It was funny.

Sat and had a beer (her, not me) and met a nice old English couple and talked with them for a while.

Now, here I am. Don't think we're going to Paris because my bro-in-law doesn't want to.

Might be bed time soon.

Ate TOO much. Saw scales at a store and was excited for a minute. Weigh too much, I'm sure. Did like the way my stomach looked at the beach though, sort of. Dread weighing myself when I get home (though I WILL do it so don't try and stop me). Been eating a lot, just meals and no snacks though.

That's it. It is sort of nice to not have to have to worry about things as much here and I'd probably not be disordered if I lived her.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

So far...

I haven't done much here. We were all kind of tired yesterday since we landed at midnight home time, 6 AM here.

My sis and I got to her new home and crashed for a few hours. The boys went to the park with dad. Then we went to lunch somewhere, ha, I don't really know where but we passed some cool looking museums. The boys slept at lunch the whole time so we stayed a little longer. Then we had to carry them for a bit until they finally woke up.

We came back to the apartment, hung out for a bit and then went to the grocery store. It's so weird to go to the grocery store and have no idea what you're looking at. There were some funky ketchups and stuff.

We came back and then my brother-in-law and I went to get dinner around 9:30 PM (our time here). We walked to this place, placed our order and then went to get his bike which he had left somewhere. So, we rode back to the restaurant, me in tow on the back, and picked up the food. Well, I had two little boxes of pizza and some eggplant in my hand (in a bag) and thought I'd be able to get on the bike while holding them. Well, you have to run and hop onto the bike while it's moving and that was a bit of a disaster. I got on and my glasses fell off, caught them in my arm somehow, dropped the dinner, but caught it sideways so sauce spilled over everything (including my white shirt), then my foot got stuck in the wheel and we toppled over. My ankle got cut but that was it. It was embarrassing and funny.

I'm sleepy. It's almost 4 AM EST.

It's really funny to see people on bikes. They're everywhere!! They have no facial expressions either. They just ride everywhere, in suits, dresses, skirts. It's funny.


So here's my biggest issue so far; I can't read nutrition labels because they're in another language. Ugh, I'm NOT liking that one bit. At least I brought my Fiber One and haven't been eating weird things. I also really need to go running today. I just need to move. I feel lazy.

Not sure what's on the agenda today. Downtown and the market place maybe?? Red light district tonight I think. Europe is pretty cool so far.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

So soon

I already feel like I've gained 7 pounds. Yay!

**EDIT**

And now my loose jeans are tights. GREAT!! Off to a really good start.

I have arrived

I'm here! I'm tired! I'm hungry!

It's cold out here, 13 degrees celsius, whatever the hell that means!! My sis is asleep. The flight was good. My side is twitching right now. The cat sat with us. The boys are sitting with their dad watching Scooby. I need to take a nap...a long nap.

Um, nobody failed to mention that I wouldn't be able to read the nutritional labels on the food here. I have no idea what milk is in the fridge, but I'm guessing it's not skim. This might be a long week. Oh [geez].

I think I am going to try and go sleep somewhere since it's 2:17 AM EST.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Bye bye!

I'm outta here...

See ya when I see ya!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Getting ready

I'm getting ready to leave. Tomorrow at this time I will be on a plane. Right now I am doing laundry and packing. It's nuts. My sister has so much that she needs to do. My mom is going to be an absolute mess when my parents drop us off at that airport tomorrow. It sucks because we won't see my nephews until Christmas. Ugh, I'm used to seeing them twice a week, and they've basically been living here at my parents house for the past 3 weeks. It's going to be so sad.

When I get back I bring my cats to the vet. Little Squish has me worried because of the bump on her leg. I don't know what I will do if she has cancer again. I obsessively feel it all the time to see if it's getting bigger, if I think it moves, if I think it's hard, etc. It's horrible. Ugh!

I'm tired. I need my clothes to finish drying before I can finish packing. Actually, they are still in the wash so I need them to get clean so I can then dry them.

I guess I should do something productive. Don't know how often I'll be on the computer while I'm away so I might not get to check in with you all. Feel free to email me and say hi or whatever.

K, I need to do stuff.

Friday, July 18, 2008

It's my turn

I'm heading out on vacation on Monday. Well, I don't really consider it vacation unless I'm sitting on the beach all day. I won't be doing that, though maybe one day I will. I'm heading to the Netherlands and maybe Paris with my sis and her family as they move over there for 2 years.

So Charro today...
It was good. A couple of funny things happened. Feathers were poking out of the pillow and poking, and it felt like a pin pricking me. Actually, it was just one feather, not "feathers." We chatted. Her shoe flew off, which I found funny because I tend to find everything funny. I was showing her pictures from college and I had taken my french braids out and my hair was really curly (after one of my games) and she goes "Is your hair naturally that curly or did you have a perm?" I go, "C, it was 2000, I don't think I had a perm!! I did in the 80's." Ha!

We talked about how it will be good for me to not weigh myself while I'm away. I will have no access to a scale. She asked if my sister has one and I said no, because she doesn't. So, I will be without a scale for 8 days. The first thing I will do, as you can imagine, when I get back to my apartment will be weigh myself. If I gain weight, I will not be happy.


I asked her what would happen if I lost 5 pounds without trying, because I wouldn't know because I won't have access to a scale. I asked her if I would get "fired." She said we'd have to figure something out. She said "I won't 'fire you.' (insert laugh by her). If you're worried about ending treatment..." (interrupted by me) "I prefer 'being fired.'" "If you're worried about 'being fired' then it will be a good motivation for you to get better." Clearly, I don't think that I will lose any weight while I'm there, but that would be really sweet! She said accidentally losing weight is just "BS." I said, "Last week it (not the same thing) was 'fucked up' and this week it's 'BS.'" She's speaking her mind now. I love it!!

Later on Charro said something about me being "sick." I said, "I'm NOT sick!!" She was like, "Okay, you're not sick." I am so NOT sick!!

So, I won't see Charro until the night I get back. I will be beyond exhausted because my sesh will be at 1 AM, according to what my body will be used to, so I might be a bit out of it. It will probably be pointless but I will still go.

So that's it. Cats and I go home tomorrow.

No walking.

Good thing I'm "not allowed" to walk to Charro today because I would have passed out or melted on the street somewhere.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Battle of the B's

I feel like I weigh 3000 pounds right now. Oh wait, I do weigh too much so that's probably why I feel that way. I know what you're all going to say so I shouldn't even write this, but I will. I loved what Bertha told me I weigh (not that my scale talks, though that would be cool) and my scale here, B-2, is so different. My scale at home is more accurate because I compared it to the doctor's scale when I went. I loved what Berth said and now I weigh so much more according to B-2!

My hip is out of place and therefore my back is hurting. That happens occasionally.

Maybe I'll go to bed soon. I really need to start packing for my trip. Ugh, it's cold over there so I need to bring warm clothes.

Charro tomorrow. Lots to talk about. I just hope I remember what I want to talk about.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I've been busy

I ended up running in the park yesterday morning and then I walked to Charro. Charro was okay. I didn't have much to say. At least she didn't say "that's fucked up!" like she did last week. I'll miss her while I'm gone next week. Then when I get back we'll get back into the swing of things.

I went straight from Charro's to Central Park to see the NY Philharmonic play. I met some friends there and we hung out and ate and chatted, listened to the music and watched the fireworks.

Last night I had a dream that Polly, Jen and I were at a rehab place (in my back yard). The three of us were plotting how to break out of there when the lady came over to us and said "If you eat your cereal, you can leave." I think she just meant for the afternoon. Then she said, "I will send Charro over." Then I woke up because I had to pee.

I'm back home today. I'm tired because I had to teach an early class this morning. My legs were going to fall off this morning. I couldn't get them to move and didn't want to move at all.

Now I just need a nap.

We leave in 5 days for the Netherlands.

Maybe I'll make some cookies for my boys. They and my sis are now sleeping here since their house is empty. Although then I'll eat some and I don't want to because my weight is down a little and I'd like to keep it that way. I was kind of shocked when I weighed myself on Bertha.

I have a lot of stuff to talk to Charro about on Friday. I wish I wasn't going away because I think this would be good material to trickle over to the next "sesh" with.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Walking

I don't really feel like walking to Charro tonight but I feel like I should. One, because it's nice out and two because I need the exercise. Hmm, I have a little over an hour to decide what I will do. Some how I think I will end up walking.

No motivation

I have absolutely NO desire or motivation to work out!! Thank goodness I'm going running with my next door neighbor. I feel like doing nothing, nothing I tell ya. I want to sit my ass on the beach all day. Maybe I can do that tomorrow or Thursday, when I go home.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I'm so pissed (again)

I just bought and cut up a bunch of veggies and tofu because I was actually going to cook dinner and my oven doesn't work. Let me rephrase that, the gas is turned off in the whole building and apparently our ovens won't be working for "a while." I am pissed. What the hell am I going to do with the food? So not happy. I think I need to go on another hunger strike because I'm not spending 800 dollars on food. At least I will only be here for a few days.

Perfect for a cloudy day

Yay, "The Closer" is back on tonight. Yay. Plus, there's an all day marathon on right now.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Arms

Mine are REALLY fat. I can't stand them. They're huge. I want defined sticks.

The shower

Ate too much at the shower. Don't need to eat for like 4 months now. That's all.

Shower

I have to go to a shower today and I so don't want to. Ugh, I emailed the girl's sister to see what time it would be over. I was not happy with this answer. How can a shower be like 5 hours long??? It can't right. It starts at noon, it should be over way before 4:30!!! Seriously! It's not like I have anything else to do, but I really don't want to spend 7 days at a shower with people I don't even know. I'm on the wedding so it's not like I can even cut out early. Blah!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Poem - Vacation Confessions

I am so happy that you are back.
Now I will have to cut out the slack.
While you were gone I took a vacation,
but not from my scale infatuation.
One might say I'm a little too grasso
I'm not good at art. I ain't no Picasso.
When you weren't here I was quite bored.
I took up Quidditch and bought a new sword.
While you were gone I worked out next to "Carmine."
We did the elliptical for 60 minutes each time.
I wrote most of this poem on my way to the gym.
If it was set to music it would be a hymm.
I met a guy on my roof named Ed.
I got a concussion when I bumped my head.
He was supposed to call, but he never did.
That's okay with me, I think he eats squid.
I just found out Charo's singing at Mohegan Sun.
It's a free concert too, oh that would be fun!
Now I need to go to bed
It would be so confusing if I dated Ed.


I just got back from our 3 o'clock session.
Now I have to make a confession.
I gave that drink to a homeless man on the train
His foot was so nasty, it must cause some pain.
It was all swollen and eating away at itself.
Definitely not something you'd put on a shelf.
It made me feel better to give it to him.
He needs it more than I do, his life is so grim.
Now I have to replay what we talked about.
And then get ready because I'm heading out.

**Most of this is true. Not the Quidditch though.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I don't think I am

I'm sure you're all going to disagree with this one, but I really don't think that I'm anorexic. Honestly, I don't. I don't even feel the need to list all of the reasons why I don't believe that I am. I'm not starving myself and I eat unhealthy stuff that anorexics would never even look at.

My floor is buckling and it's driving me crazy.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Why so pissed?!

So, here's the reason for the pissiness. I came back to my apartment yesterday to find B-2 (my scale) missing and a note saying that "I love you very much and this is for your own good. I'm happy up in Maine." (Clearly, Zuby came up with that one). However, I'm pretty sure there were a few other bloggers involved in this confiscation plan with my friend G. (She lives next door and has a key to my place because she takes such good care of my kids while I'm gone and has met those involved in the crime) Too much colluding going on that doesn't involve me and I don't like it!

So, my scale was gone and I was friggen pissed. Actually, I wasn't too pissed at first but as the day wore on and as I walked to Charro's, I grew increasingly more angry. I let it go during my meeting with the girls last night (see 2 posts below) and then got really pissed again. So much so that G's dog, who normally loves me to death, wouldn't even look at me when I went over there. She could totally sense that I was fucking pissed.


Went to bed, woke up and was still pissed. Right now, still pissed and I have B-2 back. I don't even know why I'm pissed right now. Maybe it's because I weighed myself and I didn't like the number because I thought it was going to be lower?? I don't know. Whatever. I just know I'm not happy right now.

With that said, I understand why she took my scale. I really do, so I can't be mad at her or the others involved. All of them were just trying to help me but it just really pissed me off that it was not MY choice to stop weighing myself. (Though I didn't stop weighing myself. I actually weighed myself several times in that past 24 hrs!)

I went to bed starving last night because I refused to eat until I got B-2 back. I had a nice 150 calorie Jamba Juice for dinner on my walk to Charro's at 5:30. Charro would love that one. They were holding my scale over my head so I was holding a hunger strike over theirs. It became a game that I was going to win!! I fucking hate to lose and everyone who knows me is well aware of that. So it was the "I won't eat until I get my scale back" game.


My scales back. I still hate it and I'm still pissy. So, where has the last 24+ hours gotten me?? No where! Just mad!

Charro, field hockey, moods

I think field hockey is going to get stormed out tonight. That really sucks for two reasons, okay, three reasons. 1: I really need to play for the exercise and because I can just go crazy and get my aggression out. 2: It's a lot of fun. 3: Because I won't be able to go for like 3 weeks.

I told Charro that I took a vacation while she was on vacation. She asked what that meant. I told her. I said "It means that I didn't really work on anything. I didn't think about anything." I did tell her that I read my FFJ's and that they got me thinking. She said "You tell me this now, when our time is up?!" Yep, I did.

I said a few things to her in Italian, thanks to the Italian translator online. One of the things I said was "sono troppo grasso" (I am too fat). I said two other things (welcome back. I missed you, and how are you?) Those I apparently got wrong but when I said the "I am too fat one," she said "you got that one right."

I'm glad she's back and I can't wait to go on Friday.

Field hockey got called off. I guess I'll run in the morning. I need to do some Wii boxing right now, too bad I don't have it. Blah. I guess I can't count on field hockey for putting me in a better mood. At least I think I lost weight. According to my other scales...B-2 seems to be missing, and no, I don't feel like talking about it!

FH is back on...

Charro's back

As if I wasn't pissed off enough right now, I just wrote a post and the fucking thing just got erased.

It was so good to see Charro. I told her I missed her. She didn't miss me, though I didn't expect her to, especially since she was on vacation.

After I met up with Leslie Goldman of "The Weighting Game" and another blogger named Kim. Both were so nice and I loved meeting them and chatting with them. Hopefully I'll see them again.

One of Leslie's friends also came with one of her friends. We had interesting conversation and everyone was fun! It was a bit awkward, okay, completely uncomfortable, when some asked what my blog was about. I turned to Leslie and said "You can tell them." I so don't feel comfortable talking about that with people who don't know about it. So, it was a really fun night and now I have to watch Leslie on the Today Show.

I have to do laundry and I'm extremely pissed, (not because I have to do laundry).

Monday, July 07, 2008

Charro tomorrow!!!! Yay!

I am SOOO EXCITED that I get to see Charro tomorrow, (and the "skinny 6:10). YAY!! I can't wait. I started making a list of things to talk about but there really isn't much to discuss.

So Zuby has brought it to my attention that high cholesterol is a sign of anorexia. I never knew that and I want to know why. However, my mom has high cholesterol so that's probably more of the reason why mine is high. My doc wasn't concerned because my good cholesterol was high. Oh, I told her about my latest concussion too. She asked how I keep getting them all and then asked what sports I'm still playing.

I totally think that their scale was wrong. There is no way I could weigh what they said I weighed with my clothes on. It was 2 lbs lower than what Bertha said. And speaking of Bertha, how freaking funny is it that there is a Hurricane BERTHA?!?! LOL!! I know I wrote most of this stuff already but whatever.

I still want to lose weight. I had to go to dinner tonight and I don't like my weight right now but I'm hoping that it will go down at least 2 pounds. I like losing weight! Actually, I have to actually lose weight to know to know if I like it.

I'm sleepy. I passed out in the pool today. Like, sleeping. I love that. I always sleep in the pool. (on a raft). It's the best thing ever.

PIcture of good health!

So, it wasn't so bad...though I had a little help. One of my friends gave me a xanax? I'd never taken anything before so I had no idea how my reaction would be, but I felt pretty calm there, so I guess it worked. Now I'm really tired but it could be because I haven't gotten much sleep lately.

So, the lady wanted to weigh me right away so I asked if I could pee first. I said "do you need a urine sample?" She said, "Are you having a physical?" I said yes so she got me the lovely cup! I peed and then got weighed. It was better than I thought it would be. It was two pounds less than what my scale said here so I'm guessing that their scale is wrong! I mean really, how often do they really callibrate that thing. I had her measure me too and she said I was 5'1"! I was excited about that. I've never measured in at 5'1" before so I think that was wrong too. Loved that. So now I'm taller and thinner.

I didn't have an EKG, which I thought I was going to have. She then did the "invasive" stuff. It was not as bad as the first time I went when I went to the gyn. Then again, I had some "help."
We then went into her office to talk. She told me my cholesterol is high but that I should not worry. She thinks it was a mistake because she said "you've lost weight so it shouldn't be higher." I said "and I don't eat butter and stuff either." She said to have it done again in 6 months. (Of course I lost weight. Last time I was there I was dressed for winter and had boots on when they weighed me).

So, I am the picture of health!

I'm a baby

(Whining)
I don't want to go to the doctor. I need drugs for this appointment. It's not the physical that I'm afraid of, or the scale or anything, it's the "girl" part of the appointment. I figured I'd get them over with at the same time but ugh!! I haven't had that done in like 5 years and that was a very traumatic experience, which is why I never went back!! Ugh!! Seriously, I need drugs!!

I hate peeing in a cup too, but that's the least of my worries.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Done for the day?

So...if I don't eat for the rest of the day my weight should be "okay" tomorrow when I get weighed at the doctor. Of course, it's not where I want it to be but whatever. However, it's 4 PM...how can I not eat for the rest of the day?? Maybe I can do it. Just fruit? A yogurt?? Nothing would be better. Lots of water and tea!

Highlights of my weekend:

Had fun with the rents. Mom said "you must have lost 5 pounds walking around here all the time." I said "Nope." She said, "You look like you have." I should have said, "No, I've gained 55 pounds."

Went to dinner with my old neighbor last night and she and my parents enjoyed discussing my eating habits. Loved that.

Took some nice pics today.

Finally talked to Jen last night. I was going to post about her father when she told me on Sunday, but I didn't feel right doing it in case she wanted to do it on her own. I missed talking to that girl!!

Now I'm home and that's about it. I'm hoping to do a long run tomorrow. We'll see how that works out. I do need to get a good workout in though.

Geez, I'm tired. Oh, I dreamt that Charro came back and I was so excited to see her. She was at my high school working for some reason. Yay!!!! Charro on Tuesday!!

**EDIT**
Ugh, I'm getting hungry...maybe because I ate breakfast/lunch at 9:30. I did have a little snack later on though. I'd like to not eat but I might have to have a little snack, fruit or yogurt.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Just a list

I feel like never eating again and I want to have B-Sat!
My rents will be here shortly.
At least I burned 800 calories working out today. Though I didn't get to work out as long as I would have liked.
I'm huge.
I hate it.
I don't want to have to go out to eat.
As much as I can't wait for my rents to come see my place, I wish I wasn't in the state that I'm in because I'll have to pretend I feel good about stuff when I don.'t Good thing I'm good at that.
The weather sucks.
They're almost here so I need to go.

No better

No better this morning. My scale gave my 50 different readings so I don't know which one is correct. Even the "low" one is way too high so you can imagine how I felt when the number kept going up everytime I stepped on the scale! UGH!! FUCKERS!!!

I'm going to the gym and running before I teach kickboxing. I have to. I have to run and never stop. I have to not eat. I'm going to have to go out to dinner with my parents, whom are sleeping over tonight. NO MORE FOOD!!! I didn't even eat a ton of food yesterday but I gained a ton of weight!! Yes, I ate more than I should have and more than I usually do, but it wasn't like it was unhealthy!! Ugh, I fucking hate this. Charro's timing couldn't be any better, though I'm sure I won't convey my feelings and emotions to her all that well on Tuesday. HOPEFULLY by then I will have lost all this fucking weight and I won't be like this.

I can't deal. All I know is that I have to lose 3 pounds before Monday. Sometimes I wonder if drinking lemon in my water makes me gain weight. It always makes me much thirstier. Hmm?


Well...fuck! I'm going to work out!
I'm having a slight (slightly large) mental breakdown right now. I need to go running RIGHT NOW!!! I literally gained 70 pounds tonight. It is way past my bedtime. I am getting up and working out hard before I had to teach class. I need to run! Run! Run! Run!! I need to lose 55 pounds in the next three days. I want to throw up right now. I want to run. Technically it is Saturday so could have B-Sat. Ugh, I just need to fucking never eat again!!!! Fucker!! I hate being fat. I haven't seen this much weight on the scale in a while. I literally have 3 days to lose 5 pounds!!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKER!!!!

And for the record...FUCK!!!!!

Fuck, I'm fucking fat! Clearly I'm really happy right now!! Tired and fucking fat!!! I need to just run forever!! Ugh, and my parents are coming tomorrow so I will have to eat with them twice. Ugh!! I'll skip lunch with them. Fuck it!

FUCK!! I'd like to throw up until all my insides come pouring out of me.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Sometimes it doesn't help

Sometimes going to the gym isn't always the best thing for me. "Carmine" was not there, though another sort of "Carmine" came in and worked out next to me.

I'm hating my body so much right now. I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror at the gym, yet I couldn't stop looking at myself either to see how fat and flabby my arms are. Ugh, the are so huge and gross and I can't deal with it. Then there are my love handles. Gotta love those too. Ugh, I just want to never eat again and get skinny. I cannot stand the way I look. My arms are SO freaking flabby. I watched them waving back and forth as I worked out. I might cry! (not really), but I want to. Why can't I just waste away and get really skinny?? Okay, I don't want to "waste away" per se, but I do need to lose a few pounds. I want to be able to like what I see and not feel like I'm going to throw up when I look in the mirror. Maybe if I look in the mirror enough, I really will throw up. That could be my new plan of action...get so disgusted with my image that I actually throw up. It could work.

Ugh...I have to do some cooking and cleaning now. Too bad I'm not seeing Charro today. I could cry to her about how disgusting I am. Too bad I would never do that.

Happy 4th

I'm heading to the gym in a bit. I'll probably plop myself on the elliptical next to "Carmine" again. That will keep me going. I really don't feel like working out. My legs are a little tired, I think, and I just don't feel like going...but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. That's why working out next to "Carmine" will help me. I will see her skinny little body and feel disgustingly huge and fat and flabby and then work harder and probably feel worse about myself. Sounds like a great plan, doesn't it?

My very anorexic friend is coming over tonight for my little picnic. Great, I'll feel like eating with her around. Like I don't feel fat enough already, I'm like a freaking sumo wrestler next to her.

I have to make my fat free pasta salad when I get back from the gym. Then maybe I can lay out before I have to get ready for peeps to come over.

Happy Independence Day!

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Reading FFJs

I was reading through some of my FFJ's and my notes from Charro today. They made me realize a couple of things. For one, I should really start writing down everything I eat again. I feel like I have more control or something when I do that. Not that I necessarily have more "control," it's just that I know what I've eaten and how much, etc. Charro, however, would not go for me doing that because she thinks it is bad for me. She's probably right. The thing is, I'm probably too lazy to do it anyway. It requires way too much effort. I guess that's really the only thing I realized from my FFJs.

So the thought of making my blog completely private has crossed my mind. It's not that I have anything to hide but people really don't need to read what I'm writing. What's the point?

I might need to come back to this later...

HA HA!!! There's a tropical storm named BERTHA brewing in the Atlantic. I might pee myself!!

Ode to the Mac Daddy

I wrote this poem back in November when Charro was changing offices. She was leaving the office that I didn't like. Thank God she was only there for one month!!

Farewell to MacDougal.
Our time here has been so brief.
I guess you have to be frugal.
At least we feel no grief
I ran here on the first day,
so I wouldn't get lost.
It wasn't that far away.
It was well worth the cost.
We had our session by candle light.
It was almost as good as Tasti D-Lite.
That stupid white chair made me slouch.
Thank God your new office will have a couch.
I really don't have much else to say.
I'm just happy I'll have a place to lay.
You new office is up just a few blocks.
I really love saying "geez in a box."
So we bid farewell to the Daddy Mac.
Another office move and I won't be back.
I must admit, the Mac Daddy wasn't too bad.
Except when I ran there in my skirt that was plaid.

*The power went out during our first sesh, hence the candle light.
*I was late one day b/c I didn't know how to get to her stupid office from the subway so I ran there in my boots and plaid skirt.

OMG, the shape of my poem looks like a girl in a skirt!!

5 more days!

I am quite excited that I get to see Charro in 5 days. Boy did June fly by!! The days went by slowly and I've been quite bored, but the month flew by. The next few days should go by pretty quickly because I have a lot to to.

Today I will do a little work and then go to the gym and teach. I've already cleaned my place a little.

Tomorrow I am having people over to watch the fireworks from my roof. So, I'll have to clean some more, work out, go to the grocery store and cook and bake. A fun filled day of food!! What more could I want?? Lol!

Saturday morning I have to teach and then my parents are coming. They are staying over Saturday night. They haven't seen my place yet so I am excited about that. I may take them to my favorite karaoke place.

Sunday we will all drive back home and they will go to a party and I will go back to my house. Yay, that means I don't have to eat a real dinner Sunday night.


Monday I will go work out and then go to the stupid doctor for my physical. Blah!! I had my blook work done a few weeks ago. I'll have to pee in a cup, which I totally hate doing. I will just make sure that I pee before they weigh me.

I need to lose weight before I go to the doc and get weighed. I'm also having my "girl stuff" done there too so I don't have to go to the gyno. Ugh, an all in one shot. Can't wait for that. Who knew they even did that? My doc is nice though. Actually, her name means "Palm tree" in Hebrew. (I hope I got that right with the whole Hebrew thing.) How funny is that??

Then I will do some work and then I have to go to dinner Monday night. (Still want to lose weight before I see Charro so I don't really want to eat too much there. Not that I really would.)

Tuesday I will go to the gym, do some work, hop on the train to come back her, feed cats, GO TO CHARRO!!!!! YAY!!! I don't really have anything to talk about and I feel like I don't know how to just talk to her anymore because I feel like we'll have to play catch up, but I'm sure we'll come up with something. I just REALLY want to lose weight. That's all I know. I want to go there and be skinny. I'll get to see the "Skinny 6:10." It's been a while since I've seen her.

So, those are my next 5 days in a nutshell. YAY...Charro is coming back. YAY!!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Tasks

One of my friends said to me, "You know, if you used all the time and energy you spend trying to lose weight elsewhere, you could be a singer or actress." I agreed with her because she is right. However, I was thinking about this today...I spend all my time and energy trying to lose weight and am UNsuccessful, so clearly, how would I be able to succeed at the latter. If I fail at this simple task, how could I succeed at the other, more difficult ones?

I have to say that I fail at having an eating disorder or being anorexic. I know the response to that is always, "So you want to die?" No, that is definitely NOT my goal. My goal is just to lose a couple of pounds and I can't even do that. Simple tasks that don't require any one else's help, unlike becoming a country singer, and I can't do them.

Time's a wasting (but I'm not)

Time's running out for me to lose weight and I'm afraid that I won't lose it. I know this is not the way I should be thinking but it is the way I'm thinking. Blah, I KNOW I sound like a broken record, but I really need to lose a few pounds and with the 4th of July coming (and the pseudo picnic I'm having) I don't know if it's possible. Blah. It should not be this difficult. I hate that I love numbers so much.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Ha ha!!

"Borborygmi is the noise that your stomach makes when you are hungry."

If that's not the funniest thing ever, I don't know what is. Gotta love "Snapple Facts." I cracked up on that one.

Back in NY

I just got back to my place after being home since Saturday. I didn't want to leave home. It was way too nice floating in my pool everyday. I love it!!

I'm sleepy. I'm having the should I eat or shouldn't I eat thing going on right now. I know why too. I don't want to eat because I don't want the scale to go up. That's the only reason why I don't want to eat. I need to lose weight. I think I will probably have a yogurt because that's good protein. I could make a protein shake instead of that. We shall see. That might be more of what I'm wanting right now.


My cats are happy that I'm back. Yay for my cats.

About my niece

From the lips of my mother about my 14 month old niece...

"She's a great eater. I wish you ate like that now."