Saturday, May 31, 2008

Old man in tighty whiteys

Before I write about yesterday, I have to say this. I was looking out my window and I saw an old man in his tighty whiteys checking out the sites of the street from his window. I tried to take a picture so I could post it but it didn't come out.

Yesterday I felt like crap. I have a cold and it stinks. I debated whether or not I should go to the gym and just do the elliptical or the bike but I ended up trying to run in the park with a friend. I knew that I should not be working out period, never mind running, but I did it anyway. It was that battle in my head that said you should be resting/you need to burn some calories.

So, I thought I was going to fall asleep on the side of the road while waiting for my friend. We ran slowly to the park and when we got there I told her that I couldn't do it and that I'd just sit there and wait for her. I felt bad that I blew her off, though I know she totally understood, but she could used an ear. The run back was a bit easier for me.

The rest of the day I did nothing, until it was time for Charro. When I got to Charro's I told her that I didn't feel well and she said, "Yeah, you don't have your usual pep." She's cracking down on my "I don't know" answers. She'll say, "Think about it for a second. Don't just say 'I don't know.'" She said I was "shifting" many times yesterday. I said "bull shift." She thought that was funny. Then I told her that I was going to make a shirt that had a picture of a bull and said "shift" under it. She said, "That's funny!!"


I left Charro and came home and started packing. Ugh, I have way more crap than I thought I had. I didn't even make a dent. Now I'm starting to stress. My friend and I moved some stuff over to her place, which is next to my place. Ugh, I have so much more to do before Friday though. Ugh! I need to get boxes too.

I still feel yucky and need to go teach aerobics. Fun times! Then I'm heading home until Monday.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The "Skinny 6:10 PM"

It was only a matter of time that I devoted an entire post to my friend the "Skinny 6:10." I got a good look at her when she walked into the waiting room at Charro's the other night. It seems that the only T in her office sees a lot of skinny people. I'm pretty sure I know which T this one goes to, as there are 3 in the office total.

Anyway, the "Skinny 6:10" fixed the rug when she came in, something that was sort of bothering me, but clearly not enough for me to get up and fix it. I almost thanked her for fixing it. I'm actually not sure if the "Skinny 6:10" sees her T at 6:10 PM or 6:15. I named her the "6:10" because when I was going to Charro at 7:10 PM I saw her coming out and thought for sure that she was Charro's person before me. Low and behold, she's not and we get to sit together every Tuesday night.


I told Charro that she and I (The "Skinny 6:10") should be friends. That way we could go out and not eat together. Granted, I have no idea if she has an eating disorder and I shouldn't make judgements or assume, but I'm going to because it makes it more exciting for me on Tuesday nights, and for the purpose of this post. Ha!

What I hate about being in the room with the "Skinny 6:10" is that I feel like she's looking at me and thinking about how fat I am. I also feel like she's thinking (now that I'm sure she knows that Charro and I were heating up food) that I should not be eating and that I don't look like I have an eating disorder so how could I possibly have one? That's what I think is going through her mind. She's skinny and I'm fat and I'm the one with the supposed eating disorder (maybe she has one too) and I'm the fat one in the crowd. (Those were my thoughts, not hers).


Shiites, I can't keep my eyes open. I need to take a nap before I go work out and teach aerobics. Class is at 6:30 PM, I'd like to leave here at 5 PM so I can work out for 45 minutes before I teach.

I think I'll have to come back to this post later. For a fun post, look below.

I had to go to BBB to get a shower gift today. Of course I checked out the scales while I was there. Um, I LOVE that store (not because of their scale selection. I actually didn't like their scales). I think it might be my new favorite store though.

So, I was checking out and they had all the movie theatre candy there. What did they have that

I love and haven't been able to find in years? GOOD & FRUITY!!! I thought they stopped making them. I even searched websites for them at one point. My favorite candy on Halloween was always the mini box of them. So, I bought a box!! I don't know when I'll open it, but I will at some point in time. It might take me a few days to eat the whole box, but who cares. YAY!

The "sniffles" and man voice

I have a cold. Ugh!! I was going to go to the gym this morning but I will just workout before I teach tonight, that way I will only get one outfit sweaty. Less laundry! I feel like I am going to hack up my lungs. Fun stuff!


I was obsessing about losing weight a lot yesterday. I don't know why. It happens. Whatever, I don't really care I guess. Either that or I'm too tired to care about it right now.

I have to start packing because I am moving next Friday. YAY!!! I cannot wait. I wake up in the middle of the night inhaling cigarette smoke and it's NOT too pleasant. One might say that I don't sound too thrilled. ;)

Charro leaves for vacation in two weeks. She'll be gone for three. That's gonna suck. I was supposed to see her this morning but I'm going tomorrow (regular day) instead.

It's so nice out. I need to eat my strawberries that I bought yesterday. I think I'll skip the peanut butter this morning.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dinner date # 2 with Charro

Ok...so I didn't get a chance to write last night. Dinner wasn't too bad. It sort of started off bad though...

The "Skinny 6:10" and I were sitting out in the waiting room and Charro came to get me and went right into the kitchen. I go "We're going to do this now?" She said "Yes, we have to get started." I go "In front of the skinny 6:10. Shut the door!!!" So she did. She was like "What's the issue with the "Skinny 6:10?" I was like "Now she knows we're eating. Did you look at her. I sat accordingly so you could see her when you walked out." She said she didn't see her. I actually got a better look at her last night and she's thin but maybe she is just thin and not disordered. I don't know. I kept asking her what was for dessert but she wouldn't tell me.

Oh, rewind. Charro called me at 5:15 and I answered the phone and said "Are you calling to cancel?" She said, "No, but I don't have any bread. I went to the wrong bakery." I said, "That's OK!! We don't need bread!!!!!!" She was like, "Is there a lot of pasta in there?" I said, "Unfortunately yes, I put too much it." She said, "Good!" Then I asked her what she brought for dessert and she said "You'll just have to come down here and find out for yourself."

Okay, so we heated up the food and she walked out of the kitchen. I go, "Is the Skinny 6:10 gone?? You need to look and see." She walked out and I stayed behind and was like "is she gone?" She said yes and I walked in. Charro was like, "What is this game all about?"


Okay, so I said "There's a lot (of pasta fagioli) in there so we don't have to eat it all." She goes, "Are you kidding me? There's not a lot in there at all!" She proceeded to divvy it up, very carefully I might add. She set up a little table and there was this, for lack of a better descriptive word, place mat on there. Well, I went to reach for something and spilled my pasta fagioli ALL OVER IT!! I started scooping it up frantically and kept saying, "I didn't do it on purpose, I swear!!! I'll eat it anyway. I don't care if it's dirty!" Ugh, what a disaster. I then ended up getting some on my shorts and shirt. I was a mess.

We ate and she finished before me. I finished and put my dish down and sat there and she said, "You need to finish the sauce." I go, "Are you serious?" (There were like two spoonfuls of liquid in there). She was like "Yes, you need to finish that." So I did.

Then came dessert. She goes, "I know you said you didn't like custards or tarts but here's what I brought." She pulled out these little tortes or tarts, one chocolate and fruit one. She asked which one I wanted or if I wanted to split them. I said that I didn't care. I knew I wasn't going to like the fruit one, but I really wanted to eat the fruit off the top of it, so we ended up splitting them in half. I think I gave her more of the chocolate one, although she might have screwed me with the other one. I ate the fruit off the fruit one first and then moved over to the chocolate one. It took me a while to eat. Then I had to go eat the gross one. I told Charro that I didn't really like it, which was not a lie. She said, "You're supposed to eat all of it together, not tear it apart and eat it in layers." I told her that I do that with all my food. She said, "If you really don't like it, you don't have to eat it. Only you know if you truly don't like it." I said, "If I don't I will feel guilty for not eating it." She said I was doing a good job. Oh, during dinner she goes, "Just so you know, this would be my first course."

It took me the whole time to eat dessert. Around 6:50 She told me to give her my dessert because I clearly wasn't going to eat it. I told her I would just shove the whole thing in my mouth and get it over with. She said, "No, there are 3 bites worth there. Cut it up and eat it that way." I played with it for a little bit and just before 7 PM she said, "Okay, give it to me. You're done. I want to talk about it for a few minutes." So I gave it to her, she tossed it and we chatted for a minute, but not really about anything.

I started sweating after dessert. I was like "Is it hot in here or is it me?" She said, "I'm comfortable." I said, "And you're wearing clothes." (She had on a sweater and pants and I had on shorts and short sleeves.) I was like, "Well, I'm sweating." She said it was probably anxiety.

It wasn't all that bad. I was full. I was okay though. I did end up walking home a little bit. I got off the subway 2 stops early and walked. I only walked 21 blocks, which is nothing, and 5 avenues. I got home and weighed myself and it was good. I woke up this morning and weighed less than I have in a while so that was even better. YAY!! I think if I had gained weight I would have freaked, but I didn't so I was happy. I just need to keep that scale moving downward.

So, that was dinner date two with Charro. Not so bad. Thanks for all your support you guys. You have been amazing!!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Going...

Ugh....I'm leaving now. I just took out some of the pasta fagioli from the container that way she can't serve me too much. She's in charge of portion size. UGH!

3 hours

Dinner is three hours away and I just had a protein shake. Now I won't be hungry for dinner but I had to have something because I was hungry and didn't really have lunch. Ugh! I have NO idea what she's bringing for dessert and that's starting to freak me out. I can't eat a whole dessert. I won't even want any of it after dinner. I'll be full. I have to make sure I didn't put too much pasta fagioli in the container that I'm bringing, that way we can only have so much. Ugh! I'm starting to stress out now.

Would it be so wrong to have b-sat in the bathroom in her office? She'd never hear me. Ugh! Maybe the "Skinny 6:10" would and we would become best friends. Ugh. We could collude with one another.


Ugh....

Dinner with Charro tonight

I can't wait to sit in Charro's waiting room tonight with the Skinny 6:10, while carrying a big thing of pasta fagioli. I will, however, have it in a brown bag so the Skinny 6:10 does not know I have food with me. I definitely should not be eating if I want to look like she does.

I made the sauce last night and made the pasta fagioli this morning. I'm actually not nervous about dinner yet, though I've also been trying not to think about it. I'm sure it will suck.


I had a pretty good workout this morning. I ran 6 miles and then biked for 30 minutes. I would have liked to have run longer but I wasn't feeling it. Thank God my friend came in and talked to me for most of my run, then I hopped on the bike next to her.

I just realized that I'm tired. My air conditioning doesn't work and I don't feel like doing any work. I want to go sit outside. Maybe I can find a way to walk to Charro's tonight. If the food isn't too heavy, I will. Should I bring my
little bowls?? She might confiscate them though.

K, I need to do work!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day; my dreams

I had a dream that my parents found my blog so I made it private. I woke up thinking that I had made it private. Weird.

I also dreamt that I was in a "sesh" with Kyra Sedgwick. (That might be because I walked by her apartment yesterday. No, I did not see her). (Awe, that just reminded me of Polly because we both love "The Closer.") Anyway, I was in my "sesh" and I think it was in my apartment. I was cleaning and someone else was in there too. Isn't there always another person in my sesh's with me in my dreams? Yes, and Charro likes to talk about what that means. Anyway, at 7:27 PM I popped out of my chair and said "Time to go!" Then I looked at my watch again and said, "Oh, it's only 7:27, I thought it was 7:30. I have 3 more minutes." and then I sat back down. I asked her if I should have my carpet cleaned myself before I move out or if I should let the super have it done. (A real life issue b/c I'm afraid the super will charge me like $200 and I can have it done for $40).

So, that was my crazy dream. I can tell Charro that during our dinner tomorrow. Fun times! I have to prepare that dinner today. I'll at least make the sauce.

I might lose my voice. It's kind of deep and sexy right now. Ha ha! I could work for a 900 number, like Charro said she sounded like when I imitated her voice. She said, "You make me sound like someone who works for a 900 number." HA HA!!

Okay, I need to go to the park near me and take some pictures. It's beautiful out.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Why "shouldn't" I eat?

Why is it that I feel like I shouldn't it? I don't think it's a question of me thinking I don't deserve to eat, I just think I shouldn't eat.

I was out all day today. Went for a run in the park, then went back to the park, then walked around for a while and got back and was starving. I got back here after 6. While I was on the bus back I was thinking what I wanted to eat for dinner. Part of me wanted to order a whole wheat pizza with no cheese and spinach, but the other part of me thought about making veggies so I wouldn't have to eat leftover pizza for a few days, especially since I have to make pasta fagioli to bring to Charro's on Tuesday. So, I got off the bus and decided on a whole wheat english muffin and a protein shake. That was dinner. I was still a little hungry so I had a couple of pretzels and reduced fat peanut butter.

I wasn't even going to workout today. I was going to take the day off, since I haven't in three weeks, but my friend was going for a run in the park, so I told her I'd meet her there and go with her. Yay! So, tomorrow I might take the day off. I know I should.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Why do I feel like I shouldn't eat?? I guess it could have something to do with the fact that I want to lose weight. Or the fact that my weight was sort of back to where I want it to be this morning, so the thought of eating "real" food didn't sit too well with me because that, of course, would lead to weight gain. What the heck?? Logically I know it wouldn't make me gain weight but I still think it would.

Anyway, I need to take a shower.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Torn

I'm torn. I want to lose weight but I don't want to be stuck in this rut my whole life.

Charro's leaving for three weeks in three weeks. I hate that I won't get to see her for nearly 4 weeks. That's going to be the longest 3 weeks ever. I don't know why, it's not like I'm going to go crazy if I don't go see her, but I do like going. With that said, I also want to lose weight in those three weeks. I'm sure it won't happen, but that's what I want. I just want to lose 3-4 pounds. I don't think she would notice that, but I could be wrong. I would hope that she wouldn't notice if I did lose it, which I'm sure I won't, because then she'd fire me again. I don't want to be fired, I just want to lose a few pounds.

Hmm, I need to dry my hair now so I don't miss the critical hair drying window.

Cat claw in the nose

I had a lovely wake up call this morning. At 5:30 AM my cat, who was sleeping so cute on top of me all night, then next to me with her head on my arm decided she wanted to get back up on my bed. Well, my face was a little too close to the edge of my bed where she was trying to jump up. Her claws got stuck in my nose (not the nostrel) and were stuck there. She was hanging off my bed. I pulled her up and her claw was still stuck. I thought for sure that I was going to need stitches and that it had gone all the way through my nose. It was stuck there for at least 10 seconds before I was able to get it out of my nose. It felt really nice. I got up and went into the bathroom to check the damage. It wasn't as bad as I though. It was bloody, but not too bad. I cleaned it up, through a band aid on it and went back to bed. Now I just have two little holes in my nose.

I've had the lampshade on her, which makes me so sad. I think I'm going to have to take her to the vet.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Not much to say

My sesh with Charro was just okay. I don't really feel like I talked about much. We touched on a little bit of a lot of things. I did have to explain what B-Sat is to her. That was fun.

We talked a bit about our dinner on Tuesday night. As of right now, I'm not nervous about it. She doesn't expect this to be easy for me at all. I talked about how stupid it is that I'm 30 years old and I don't know how to eat. She said that I could still be where I am today five years from now if I don't start changing things. This is the first step.

I really didn't think this would be so complicated and involved. I never thought that 15 years ago when this all started. [Geez!] I've wasted 15 years of my life. I wonder how much better it could have been had I not obsessed, etc this whole time. I don't want to waste any more of it, but I don't really know if I'm quite ready to give it up either. I still just want to be skinny and lose weight. And no, I don't know what's behind it all. I think that there is nothing behind it, but apparently that's not possible.

My throat hurts a little. Has all day. Ugh.

I get my new lease on Tuesday. YAY!!!!!

Gym

I SOOO do NOT feel like going to the gym today. But, I HAVE TO!

More calories today, please

Let's hope my workout today is better than my workouts yesterday. Ooh, the sun is out so I can walk to Charro's today too!! Yeah!!

I did the elliptical yesterday morning and wasn't burning any calories. I usually have 3 sips of green tea with caffeine before I work out but I didn't, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Really, could it make that big of a difference?? So, I burned like no calories yesterday morning. Then, I taught aerobics last night and I still wasn't burning any calories. I couldn't get my heart rate up either. What was up with that? Maybe my heart rate monitor was messed up, but I don't think that was the case. My body apparently didn't want to do anything for me yesterday. Blah. Let's hope that it cooperates today.

I'm so not motivated to go work out.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A boring train ride

I am bored and on the train so I'll actually be posting this later, when I get back to my apartment. The weather has been so weird today, sunny then rainy, then sun for a second, then storm clouds. Now the sun is out and it looks like it might stay that way for a while.

I have Charro tomorrow but I don't really have anything to talk about. I'm not freaking out about dinner yet, which is crazy. I guess I really haven't had time to think about it too much, which is a good thing. I'm sure we'll talk about dinner for a bit tomorrow though. (I see lots of clouds now).I still need to lose weight. I feel like when I'm home, at my gym, everyone can tell that I've gained weight and I do not like that one bit. My back is huge and muscular and it looks like a mans back. I hate that. My arms are big and flabby. Blah!

I like Bertha. She is accurate and I hate my stupid scale at my apartment. B-2 sucks. I don't think that it helps that I punch it every so often. Charro said I need to stop punching it because I'm going to hurt myself. I don't think it would hurt that badly if I punched it so hard that I broke it. I think my hand would survive better than the scale.

I can't wait to get off this stupid train. 30 more minutes of sitting here, then I have to get on the stupid subway and the bus and I have a ton of crap with me today, heavy stuff too like cat food cans and a big bag of crunchies for them. I also brought my little one's lampshade back because she's gnawing at her fur and that's not good. I really don't want to put it on her but I think I'm going to have to.

Oh, funny story. Yesterday my mom and I were talking about how I'm going to set up my new place. I told her that I have to sleep on the right side of the bed!!! She said, "Maybe you should talk to Gerty about that." I said, "Gerty?" and she said "Gerty, Chomo, whatever her name is." Ha ha! I am so telling Charro that tomorrow. She will crack up. I told my mom I was going to tell her and she said, "No, she'll think I'm stupid." I said, "No, she'll think it's really funny."

So, that's about it. I killed a whopping 5 minutes writing this post. How exciting. I'm going home, changing, eating dinner (I guess) and going teach aerobics. I don't know what's for dinner tonight...perhaps a protein shake because that's all I have in my place.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Eating

I just realized how ridiculous it is that I am 30 years old and I don't know how to eat. Um, seriously, that is a problem. One year olds don't know how to eat. I should know how to eat. It's not like I have some sort of handicap or am mentally challenged where I can't physically or mentally do it myself. I am a "normal, healthy" person who just doesn't know how to eat.

Seriously, a piece of dessert should not scare me. Monsters are scary, not food. What's up with that? This may seem like a funny post but I am dead serious. It's just messed up.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A good "sesh"

I had a good sesh with Charro tonight. We talked about our up coming dinner. She said that she's not going to "force feed" me. That's a good thing. I don't plan on eating my whole dessert, I'll tell ya that much. She said she knows that this is NOT going to be easy for me and I will freak out. I told her that I'm worried that I might puke when I get home. I forgot what her response was to that. Apparently I talked about "puking" a lot (I talked about my cat throwing up this morning) and she said, "You have puking on you mind a lot." I asked why and she said that I had been talking about it a lot tonight.

When I walked into her office she said, "It's crowded out there." I said "Yes, the 'Skinny 6:10' is out there." She said she didn't know who I was talking about so I told her that she should go out and look. She asked me if I really needed to call her that because there is a lot more to her. I said, "Yes because all I know about her is that she is skinny and she comes at 6:10." We talked to a little more about her and the moved on.

I know we talked about so much more but I'm too focused on Idol to think about it right now. I think I'm talking a lot more, which is good. It feels good to do that. She asked how I was liking my new time slot. :)


OH, I read her the poem I wrote in like 5 minutes yesterday. She goes "You've branched out to poetry now?" I said, "No, that's where it all started. The songs came after." So, here's my poem. She did not ask what "B-Sat" is, by the way.

I have to eat dinner with C-Bat
Dessert will make me have B-Sat.

I am making some pasta fagioli.
When I bring food in I feel like a fool.

I'll slip it in through the window.
So the "Skinny 6:10" won't even know.

I want to wear a Johnny Rocket's hat.
This dinner will surely pack on the fat.

She's in charge of the portion size.
That most definitely will make me cry.

I'll bring the spoons, she'll bring the bread
This will most certainly mess with my head.

I probably won't finish dessert,
She'll get mad and that might hurt.

I don't want to gain 10-thousand pounds
I'm sure that will happen and I will just frown.

She'll pick something out that's really fattening.
And when I head home, I'll probably be running.

I'm sure that I'll be freaking out a lot.
I hope my head doesn't end up in "The Pot."

Hopefully I will be feeling better than okay
and wake up in the morning with the weight gone away.

My cat just B-Sat

My cat just puked up his breakfast. Luckily I caught most of it with some of my work papers. (which I kind of needed). I heard him choking so I ran over there and threw the papers under his face. He puked everywhere. Got that cleaned up and then I heard him in my bathroom again. (A better spot, by the way) and his face was on my scale. He almost B-satted on B-2. That actually wouldn't be a bad idea since I'm about ready to toss that stupid thing out of my 7th floor window because I've gained 3 pounds in like 3 days. How the hell does that happen?? UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not feel like going to the gym but I so have to. Ugh, I won't be able to walk to Charro tonight either because it will be raining...again! It always rains on Tuesdays and Fridays now. WTF?

Monday, May 19, 2008

You know it's gonna be a good day when...

You wake up punching your scale.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Desserts = Stressed

I'm not (yet) obsessing about my upcoming dinner with Charro. I'm sure I will start soon though. The dinner isn't what's scaring me, it's the dessert. I don't think about it until I walk by a bakery and see all the different desserts that she might possibly choose. I'm not going to be able to handle the dessert part of dinner. I'm going to freak. It would be a bit easier if we were just having dessert and not dinner and dessert. I am going to be full after dinner. I never eat a full piece of dessert to begin with, how am I going to eat it after having a meal??

So, when I think about it I freak. What if I can't do it? What if I can't eat the dessert. I can handle a few bites but I really don't think I'll be able to eat the whole thing. It's also freaking me out that SHE is in charge of getting the dessert. She's going to get some extremely fattening dessert, I know it. It's going to be loaded with like 1200 calories and 30 grams of fat. I can't do it. What if I come home and want to have B-Sat? I'm not sure that I'd be able to refrain from doing so. I honestly have no idea what is going to happen. I don't think it's going to turn out good though. I just really think that I'm not going to be able to eat the dessert, and if that's the case, what can she really do? We'll talk about how I'm feeling. That can't be too bad, right? If I do eat the dessert, and the whole thing at that, then I don't know what will happen. I think I will freak out and want to puke. I'm just scared that I actually will go through with it. That would suck for so many reasons, but the biggest would be that I would have to tell Charro that I did it. I would be so humiliated. It would be horrible.

Charro said I should make a date so I have something to do after we eat. I don't have anyone to make plans with. I'll just come back here and do whatever I end up doing.

I'm really bored. Maybe I'll read my old FFJ's.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dinner with Charro...again

So...Charro today...

I literally sprinted to get there. I left my place and there was a lady in the lobby and she started talking to me, so that put me 10 minutes behind schedule. I shouldn't have gotten on the bus. I should have walked to the subway. Just missed the subway, had to wait 5 minutes. Now it's 2:44 and I have to be there at 3. Clearly I was stressing out at this point. I HATE being late. So, I got off the subway at 2:58 and sprinted, I don't know how many blocks, to get there. I thought I was going to die. I got into her office and was sweating and dying. I was a few minutes late, which pisses me off big time. I HATE being late!!! She was like "the window is open because the I can't turn the heat off." It wasn't until 10 minutes before my appointment was over that she asked if I wanted the air conditioning on. Um, you couldn't have done then when you saw the sweat beads dripping down my face. I literally wanted to peel my shirt off of me.

So, we chatted a bit and then asked "Do you want to have dinner again." My answer, "Ha, NO!" Well, then I said something later about pasta fagioli and I said, "I should make that for dinner for us." Fast forward, now we're having dinner again on the 27th. (She can't do next week because she's going out to dinner.) I said "You can have TWO dinners!!!" So, I am cooking. I said, "Oh no, what if it comes out really bad and you hate it?" She goes "So what?" I go, "Then I will have failed as an Italian woman." She laughed and said, "Not in my eyes. I don't know how to cook." I think that is so weird that she doesn't know how to cook. She was like "It won't be much of a challenge food wise, since you eat pasta fagioli, but portion wise it might be." UGH! Great! I told her that I am slipping it through the window and she said that that was okay. She said "Are you going to knock when you get here?" I said, "Yes."

Anyway, she said that SHE would pick up the bread to go with the meal. I told her that I like it "squishy." Then she said, "How about we have dessert too." I said "No, that's okay." I lost that battle!! I told her I'd make dessert but she said that was too much for me to do. I told her it wasn't and then she said that I should have a "mystery dessert." I said, "How will it be a mystery if I pick it up?" She said that she'd pick it up and that's when I started to freak. She was like "Why is that scaring you so much?" I told her it was because I didn't want to eat one thousand million calories and I'm not even going to be hungry for dessert in the first place and then I'll have to eat the whole thing and it freaks me out. I won't even be able to walk there because I'll have a huge Tupperware thing of soup. Ugh!! She was happy about that. She wants to me "sit with my feelings" and if I "restrict or workout more to compensate than it won't be worth doing." Ugh!!

She asked me if I liked all desserts and I listed off all the ones I didn't like. She goes, "So you don't like anything. Do you like chocolate?" I said yes and told her that I am really freaked out about what she is going to bring. It might throw me over the edge.


I was totally okay with the whole thing until she brought dessert into the picture. I'm really excited to cook for her. It better turn out good. No, better than good. It better be the best pasta fagioli I've ever made.

While we were having this whole dessert/me freaking out conversation, I kept putting my hat over my face. She was like "What's with the hat over your face? Are you playing hide and seek?" Ugh, I might die during this dinner. It won't be as bad as last time, but dessert wise it will be 10x worse. What if I go home and want to have B-Sat?? What if I do it? That would not be good. Ugh!!!! I think I just need to stop typing now.

Oh, I sang my latest song for her. Here it is, in the style of the Brady Bunch's "Keep On." This song came about when Charro asked if I was an alien because I want a concave stomach and my bones to stick out.


Running down the highway trying to burn this fat away.
Oh, ya, ooh.
There's an earthquake warning cause I've pounded at the pavement all daaa-aaayyyy.
My legs are hurting, the sweat is burning, the calories I've burned are more than I'm earning.
As I'm running 90 miles trying to make my stomach concave.

Gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on running all through the night.
Gonna Keep on, keep on, keep on til I am liiii-ight.
Gonna keep on, keep on, keep on moving,
gonna keep, keep on, keep on losing
Keep one running and grazing til my ribs are in sight.

You can see me coming from my planet Donteatthatoday.
Oh, yeah, oh.
Skinny means perfect, I've got to melt these pounds awa-aaay.
Flew into town, trying to get my weight down, those earthlings are crazy and they act like a clown.
Everyone's bony on my planet Donteatthattoday.


She like the name of my planet and enjoyed the song. She says I need to record all my therapy songs, or sing them at karaoke. HA!

What a Weiner

I have Charro in less than 2 hours and I don't know what to talk to her about. I guess there's gotta be something.

My dumb ass landlord finally called me back...5 days later...and she put me in a fowl mood. She's such a (beware, The Palm is going to go off on this one) fucking cunt sucking, ass licking, douche bag, whore, bitch, old haggy slut!! There, I said it. So, maybe I should tell you how I really feel about her. I better not talk about her to Charro because I don't want Charro to hear those dirty words come out of my sweet, innocent mouth.

So, I guess I'll be completely stressed out for the next few weeks, again. I've never had so much stress in my life as I have had in the past month. Love it!! Oh well, it will all work out. Positive thoughts and a Weiner (that's her last name) of a landlord. How fitting, right!?

I want to go back to bed

I need to go to the gym and run. What I'd really like to do is stay in bed. I'm tired and it's gross out. Do I really have to go? YES! I'm gonna call Charro and tell her I want a PS instead so I don't have to go out in the rain. Lol.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Anyone have an answer to this?

What the heck are "apple bottom jeans?"

My guess is that they are jeans for a butt that looks like 2 apples, but I have no freaking clue. If you know, please tell me.

____________________

APPARENTLY "APPLE BOTTOM" IS A CLOTHING LINE BY NELLY. Not sure if he sings that song or not.

A(nother) roach

Seriously, I can't deal! I just saw another roach crawling around in my sink. I saw one yesterday too. WTF, the exterminator came yesterday too. Clearly that didn't do much. I'm going out to by traps this morning and putting them around everywhere.

My rents are coming into the city today to hang out with some relatives. I'm not looking forward to doing the things they (not my rents) want to do, but whatever. It's only one or two things so I guess I will survive.

My cat is going crazy. He probably sees roaches everywhere!! Ugh, they make me lose my appetite. Gee, isn't that a shame?? Ha!

I have NO idea what Diane S. on GMA is wearing this morning.


I HATE ROACHES!!!!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

"Sesh"

So, Charro was really good last night, probably because I really wanted to be there and didn't think I was going to be able to. Okay, that sentence really doesn't make sense since Charro is a person and not a place.

Anyway, I told her how I had been thinking a lot since I had seen her last Thursday. I told her that I think I think a lot when I don't talk when I'm with her, and last Thursday I didn't talk at all. So, she says, "What have you been thinking about since our last Sesh?" (I don't know if she stopped herself from finishing that word because she knows I hate it or if she just shortened it on purpose. It seemed like she did it on purpose). So I go "Oooh, I like that. It's okay when you shorten it like that. Just cut it off right there and you can say it like that." We both kind of laughed.

I love Charro. I love that she totally gets my idiosyncrasies and will adjust what she says to suit me. She knows there are words I hate and when she says them she'll either smile or make a comment about how much I "love that word." She's funny. I was so glad I got to go last night. I felt SO much better after, and even just being there.


So, I saw another roach today. EW!! Good thing the exterminator came shortly there after.

It's a beautiful day out and I have to meet my uncle's girlfriend and her daugther, who are in town, to show them around a bit. The weather couldn't be any more perfect!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Thank you, Charro!

So, after stressing out all day and calling Charro 56 times to cancel and uncancel (I know, not a word but I like it anyway) our appointment (all because of this work dinner), I ended up hearing from her after 5 and went in for my 6:10 appointment. I felt SO much better just knowing I was going and so much better when I got there.

The "Skinny 6:10" was there when I got there. I guess she's not Charro's patient. I felt very big sitting across from her. When I got into Charro's office I told her that the "Skinny 6:10" was out there and said "I guess she's not yours." She said that she saw her. We discussed the her for a bit. I told her that I would definitely be slipping the food through the window next time we eat together because I didn't want to bring food into the office in front of the "Skinny 6:10." She asked why? I said, "Because she'll look at me and think 'she doesn't need to be eating.'" So, we discussed that a bit.

She brought my notes!! I was shocked that she had them since I wasn't even sure I'd be there. I didn't think she'd have them because of that.


I feel SO MUCH BETTER after seeing Charro tonight. Now I need to go out and sing.

I knew this would happen

If she didn't think I was crazy before, she's going to think so now...

I've called Charro like 65 times today. Okay, it was really only two times but still. I had emailed her last night too, which she responded to this morning. So, I called to cancel for sure around 2:45 PM and then a little after 3 I called to tell her that I could come again. I hope she gets my message so I can go. I'm sure she didn't fill my slot in 2 hours but what if I don't hear from her? Should I just show up? What do I do?? Ugh. Now I'm even more stressed. I should be hearing back from her in the next 20 minutes if she does get my message. If not, what do I do??

Blah is my new word

I have no appetite today, which is completely fine with me. That usually happens when I'm pmsing. That's the only good thing that happens during that time. Maybe I can shed a few (5) pounds.

I guess I'm NOT going to Charro today. :( Blah. She did email me bacand I need to call her and let her know for sure that I won't be there tonight. I'm just hesitant to do that because I know my boss and I'm sure plans will change, yet again, before this evening. I would be so much less stressed if I knew she'd be able to see me tomorrow. Then I wouldn't care about missing out on tonight. I just don't want to have to wait until Friday to see her. In reality, I'm not going to die or go insane if I don't see her tonight. I just really wanted to go tonight. Blah!

So, I'll call her in a little bit, just in case something else changes. Although, I think things are pretty much set in stone now. Even in my boss does end up flying there, he'd still have me meet him there. So, there's no getting out of it unless he decides not to go at all.

Crazy cat

It's driving me crazy that I can't go see Charro tonight. Ugh! I am really hoping that my boss changes his mind in one way or another about going to this dinner. I wouldn't care about going if he had told me before yesterday, that way I could have planned for it. He just doesn't give notice about anything and has no consideration in that way...and he is always late, like at least an hour. Other than that, he's a great guy and a great boss. Those are the only two things that drive me insane about him because I'm such a prompt control freak. I don't even know what time I have to meet him, or where for that matter. I don't know when I can find all this info out either because when I call him with all the questions he probably won't have an answer for me yet. He'll be like "I'll call ya later." I hope he just decides to fly himself there instead of taking 8 years to drive.

Why do I keep waking up at 4:30 AM? My cat was going crazy this morning too. He was sprinting across my room and then onto my bad and then off my bed, then again and again. Nice, huh?

It's freezing in here. I think they finally turned the heat off in the building.

I need to go workout now.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Cranky

I'm so cranky right now. I'm pissed that I had to cancel Charro for tomorrow. I have to drive to LI with my boss for some work dinner. Ugh, I called Charro and left her a message and asked her to call me if she had anything available at any other time, but I have not heard from her. She never responds to me. I think I'm just more pissed off by that today because I'm cranky.

The stupid subway didn't stop at my stop because it was running late so I ended up having to walk with all of my crap. Not happy. At least I got a good run in this morning. I could have kept going but I had to leave because it was late and I had to go to the bathroom anyway and I'm not a public pooper. Blah!

Maybe Charro will call me back but since it's almost 7 PM already, I bet she doesn't.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Food. Really..do we need it?

I'm in the "I'm never eating again" frame of mind right now. I gained about 452 pounds today. I ate somewhat like a "normal" person and it sucked. Let's face it, I don't like eating...for the most part. I don't like being around food and people at the same time. It's fine if I don't have to eat, unless of course I want to, but I'd rather not have so much freaking food around me and have to sit there and eat it with people. Blah!!

I need to run at least 8 miles tomorrow. Let's hope it happens. I must. I must burn off a lot of calories. I must lose 4 pounds. It needs to go away. I can tell that I'm fatter in my bikini and I know people can notice. I know people at my gym here can see that I've gained weight too and I do NOT like it. So, what must I do?? Why, lose weight of course. That's my goal. Clearly it's a little contradictory of what I'm going to Charro for but whatever. It needs to be done so I can get skinny.


I'm thirsty!

Oh I wish

I wish I wasn't surrounded by 10 thousand things of food today. Whenever I'm not hungry is when I have all of this good food around me. I don't want to eat it. When I'm hungry and craving something home cooked, I don't have it. I guess I'll have lots of leftovers to bring home tomorrow.

Everyone had burgers and dogs for lunch. I had a little bit of pasta salad and 2 bites of chicken, as I was not hungry. Tonight they will be eating chicken parm and I lasagna and I will be having either grilled chicken, which my parents so nicely grilled up for me at lunch, or lasagna. I'm not even hungry right now so the thought of eating just is not appealing at all. Ew!! It doesn't help that I'd like to lose 4 pounds either. That really makes me not want to eat.

I guess I'll go back outside now.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Turning 6

I'm home. I came home for my nephew's 6th birthday party, a Pirates of the Caribbean theme. He was dressed as a pirate all day and looked pretty darn cute.

I remember my 6th birthday. I had a b-day party. My parents got their first video camera. I got a My Little Pony. After the party we all hopped in the station wagon and went to the furniture store. My sis, bro and I stayed in the car. I played with my My Little Pony, I believe it was a pink one. Well, my brother decided to stick the unicorn horn up my nose and I ended up with a bloody nose. Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow everyone is coming here for Mom's Day. I will go to the gym in the morning and then go get my mom something, probably some flowers or a plant. She likes that. I wish I had gotten her something real, but I didn't know what to get her. She'd just say that she wants me to clean my room.

So, I'm taking the "Skinny 6:10 PM Girl's" slot on Tuesday nights. I wonder if she will be after me now. Great, the skinny girl gets to see me leaving Charro. She'll be like "She's clearly not here for an ed." I need to discuss more of that with Charro on Tuesday.

That's all for now. I really want to drop a few pounds though, like 4 of them!

LMN

Lifetime has been showing ED movies the past two days. Yes!! I love it. Secret Btwn Friends was on yestereday and Thursday, and right now "Sharing the Secret" is on. I think this might be my new favorite one.

Off to the gym.

Friday, May 09, 2008

11:24 PM, why do I love the lobby mirror so much?

It's 11:24 PM. I just got home from babysitting. Gotta love the extra cash. I know the girl I'm babysitting so it's not like some random gig. I know all of her relatives quite well. I've babysit for her kids twice now and they are so cute.

So, I'm starving and I'm going to bed that way. Hey, what can a girl do? I just brushed my teeth.

My heart did a weird beating thing tonight, but I think I read that that can happen when you're pmsing.

Why is it that I love the mirror in my lobby so much?? Oh, because it makes me look skinny, that's why!!! I think I should just stand in front of it all day long. I catch a glimpse of myself in it everytime I open the door to my building and sometimes I look more in depth than others, but I love it. If only all the other mirrors in the world were like that one, then I wouldn't "have an eating disorder."

BEDTIME!

Yucky fridge

There is absolutely NOTHING in my fridge that I want to eat. My options, as usual, egg whites, veggies, protein shake, yogurt. I want none of those things. I don't want to go outside either because it's gross out. I don't want to order anything because I don't know what I want. [GEEZ] What do I do?

What day is it?

It's a cold, wet day here today. I don't have much to do. I've been so confused this week as to what day it is. I could have sworn yesterday was Friday. I got all messed up because I saw Charro yesterday instead of today, now I feel like I have my whole day free today, which is kind of a nice feeling.

I always end up thinking so much after Charro, on the days that I don't talk. I don't know why I didn't feel like talking yesterday. Maybe it was the office. These are the days where I wish I could go back and talk to her an hour later for some "ptt." (post therapy therapy)

I woke up at freaking 6 AM today. Why can't I sleep late if I'm tired?? It's so annoying! It probably didn't help that my cat was patting at my face (I wrote "fat" instead of "face". Freudian slip much?) wanting to eat breakfast. She needs to stop that and wait until I'm ready to get up. She started that around 5 AM. Actually, she wanted to eat when I got up to pee in the middle of the night.


I had a really good conversation with one of my friends last night. We IMed for a while and talked about everything. I can be totally honest with her about how I feel about stuff, probably because we've been friends for over 15 years. I never tried to hide my issues with her, even back in high school. I'm not really sure why that is. Lucky her, huh!? Ha. I always knew she'd end up helping people...she's a social worker now. I just feel bad when we talk because I feel like our conversations always turn into conversations about my eating and I feel bad about that. She doesn't need to hear that all the time. I don't want to her to dread talking to me and avoid me because she thinks that's where our conversation will end up. She's a great friend and I don't want to drive her away.

With that said, I told her about my blog last night and gave her the link, so, if you're reading this C., you now know a lot more than you care to, I'm sure. And...THANKS!

So, I must get ready to go to the gym. I need to do at least 90 minutes but I get so bored there. Hopefully something good will be on tv or my friend will show up early.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

No notes

I sucked at Charro's today. I didn't talk. It wasn't until the last 10 minutes that our conversation became interesting. I would like to pick up there on Tuesday night, it at all possible and all hell doesn't break loose before then.

I told her how I saw here 6 PM person and how she is thin and I want to look like her. We talk about that a bit. Then it became interesting to me when we started talking about therapy and group therapy. I told her I wouldn't be good in a group because I would be comparing myself to everyone and not talking. I also told her that I would feel like I didn't belong there if people were thinner than I am. She said that everyone in her groups feels that way, like they don't belong. They don't feel sick enough or thin enough to be there. She said how she knows all of their weights and it doesn't matter what they way, they all feel the same way. That intrigued me.

I also asked her how she knows how to help us. I was trying to get at the how can you really relate to what's going on inside our heads if you haven't been in our shoes? Now, I don't know if she has ever had an ED or not. Maybe I will ask her the previous question on Tuesday night.

She forgot my notes, along with her planner, so I will get those on Tuesday I guess.


It kind of sucked today. I felt like I wasted her time.

I did joke that I was going to give up my apartment and live in the FAO Schwartz bag because it's so big. She asked how I'd fit all my chapsticks in there.

Yay, notes today

I have Charro today and I get to get my notes again!! Yay. I reminded her on Tuesday and as I was leaving I said something again about them. Then I was like "I only need April -January. I mean, Jan-April. Ooh, I sound bossy." She said, "You don't sound bossy, but I do want to 'explore' further why you want them." Um, I think we "explored" that three times already. Time to throw the maps away because the exploration is done there. We've found our destination.

On another note, I've had a knot in my right back for a good week now. It needs to go away.

The fucking smoker is really bad lately. Looks like I'm moving out June 1 so that problem should be relieved. Thank goodness! I'll feel bad traumatizing my cats with another move. At least they'll only have to go 5 blocks down the road. Then they'll have to adjust to a new place. Poor kitties.

I've got to go to the gym, shower, go to FAO to get some stuff for my Bugs b-day, go to Charro, work, teach aerobics. My day in a rainy nutshell. I hope it's not raining when I walk to Charro.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The girl before me

So, last night I saw the girl that sees Charro before me. Well, I'm not 100 percent sure that she's Charro's patient, but I am pretty sure. I was in the hall when she came out so I don't know which door she came from. (There are 3 offices in there). But, by the looks of her, I'd say she's Charro's patient. She was skinny!!!! Enough said! Like, I really want to look like that skinny. It's not fair. I don't care if she starves herself to look that way, I really don't. I liked the way she looked. She wasn't disgustingly thin, in my eyes. I just want to look like she does. I'll have to get there early next week to see if she is Charro's person. Although, Charro wants to move me into that girl's time slot...probably because she's going IP or something. I don't know. Clearly I would NOT do well in a group. Competitive much!!

I'm too tired to function so I will write later. I REALLY want a cucumber but am too sleepy to get one. If only I had my wallet with me this morning when I was out. I guess I'm dehydrated.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Missing things

I'm not happy right now. Maybe I'm pmsing or maybe it's because I have ton of other shit going on. I don't really know. I just wish I was home right now. Like home as in my house, not necessarily with my parents, but just home in my comfortable town where it's safe and I know everyone and I can walk bare foot in the grass and drive around with my windows down and my music on. (Minus the cost of gas). I wish I could drive down and sit by the water and just stare at it and think. That's what I want right now.

I want to get skinny. I want to figure out my life. I want to figure everything out and I can't. I just want to know that I'm going to be living in the suburbs 4 years from now with either a fiance or a husband. That's what I want.

I just want to not deal with things.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

More freakouts

Ugh, short end of the story...I googled the subway guy tonight. He's a criminal, as in been in prison criminal. As in has a few different identities criminal. As in, now I'm completely freaked out because he knows where I live. UGH! I'm really freaked. What I've seen, he's been in prison for theft, but big stuff. Hopefully I am in no danger.

Maybe if he asks me to go eat with him I'll tell him that I have an ED and that I don't enjoy eating and make up a ton of other shit to make me seem really fucked up. (Maybe I don't have to make too much up).

UGH!!!!! Seriously, not good!

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Not enough

I'm fat. I'm gonna have to eat today with my family. I didn't work out long enough. My eye is still twitching. I only burned 470 calories. I needed to run more than 5 miles! I hope to be walking around a lot today, but with my rents and two little ones, that might be hard.

Twitching eye

My eye is twitching and my sleep stinks. I'm tired and I know I won't sleep well tonight because I'll have a little man in bed with me. (My nephew). My sis and her boys are coming to stay over. I'm so excited. I wish the weather was nicer. It's kind of crappy out today. Let's see how many times the little one gets on the scale today.

My twitching eye is really driving me insane. I can't stand it. I am going running in 40 minutes. I guess I don't have anything else to say.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Free association

It's almost 7 Pm and I'm starting to get a little hungry. I guess it could have something to do with the fact that I ate lunch around 11:30 AM. I was hoping I wouldn't get hungry. I have some options for dinner, though my favorite one would be to just not eat at all. I kind of want veggies, which I have, but I'd make them terriaki style and that's a lot of salt. Plus, I won't be eating here for the next few days. There's my protein shake, which is sounding like a good option, a pear, which is another good option. I also have egg whites and yogurts, neither of which I really want. If anything, I'd have a yogurt. So, I guess I'm looking at either a pear, shake, or yogurt. I really feel like I need veggies. I feel like I haven't had any in a while. Tomorrow I'll probably get a salad so I guess that will count for something. I need to get back to the days of celery and fat free salad dressing.

I didn't have my "sessssiiooonnn" with myself today, though maybe I'm sort of doing that now, but not really. I can talk to my cats. How about some free association:

Cheese = Fat
Bones = Good, Sexy
Fat (on ME) = Gross
Exercise = Need to do more of, slacking too much
Eating = Need to do less of and eat more fruits and veggies and protein
Ribs = Want them to stick out
Recovery = Getting fatter
Anorexia = Not what I have, too fat to be anorexic, Eat too much
EDNOS = Fake, doesn't count as an ED (in relation to me)
Skinny = Perfect

That's all I've got for now.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Water choking

I just choked on my water and spit it all over the floor. My love handles are pouring out over my jeans. I would like to take a knife to them and chop them off. I would also like to never eat again. I really wish that was possible. I hope I don't have to eat tonight when I go out with the subway guy. I guess I could tell him that I ate already, which isn't entirely a lie. I can't afford to eat anything else tonight. The scale is way too high and it really needs to start going down. I need to start working out more, like I used to. That needs to start tomorrow and continue until I lose 5 pounds. I really just don't want to eat anymore. The roach I saw crawling in my cupboard might help with that.


(Oops, subway guy is on his way. I will continue this tomorrow)

I told Charro that I was going to have a session with myself today at 3 PM. I said that I was going to tape record me being her and asking questions in her voice and then play them back at the appropriate time during my talking. I was kind of kidding, but she really liked the idea. She said I should tape the whole thing. She thinks it would be good for me, somewhere between me ffjing and me talking to her. She thinks it would be helpful. I told her I'd feel stupid sitting here talking to myself, even though no one would know. So, I don't think it's going to happen.

I had fun with SG (subway guy) last night. Now I'm really tired because I got in late. Oh well. He had eaten, which was a wonderful thing! So, we just went to karaoke and danced a little too.

Now I must go to the gym for 8 years.

Did I eat rubber cement?

I feel like I've eating 50 bottles of rubber cement. That's the feeling I have in my stomach. I've never been this stressed out before in my life. It's so different from the anxiety and dread I was feeling when I had to eat dinner with Charro. Completely different. I think this is I'm really freaked out about this whole apartment and not being able to afford it thing. I feel like I have this big wad in my stomach, which is nice when it comes to my appetite. Maybe I'll lose 5 pounds in the next week. I would like. The other good news is that if I do move into this new apartment, I won't be able to afford to eat and I'll need to pick up some more classes to teach.

Of course this all happens when Charro is gone and I won't get to see her tomorrow. Not that I really think talking about it is going to alleviate any of my stress, I don't really know why it matters. Ugh!


I did manage to punch something other than my heater and scale today. I went into the aerobics room at the gym and punched the punching bag. I didn't last too long since my knuckles started to really hurt. Oh well. Now I must shower!

Could someone please tell me why I weigh so much right now?? My scale sucks too. It went from 93 lbs to 109 lbs yesterday. Um, do ya think something's wrong with it?!!! Piece of shiite!