Wednesday, April 30, 2008

one down...one to go

So, I can get out of my lease. That's one stress reliever, now I just have to see if I can get the place I want. More stress and anxiety because I can't afford it!!!

3:45 AM

That's what time I woke up this morning. I'm stressed to the max. Although, I look at my stupid stresses and see what Jen is going through and I'm like, what the hell am I so stressed about? Ugh, but regardless, I am stressed.

I don't know what to do about this whole apartment situation. UGH!! It's driving me insane.

I got up and taught aerobics this morning then had to go pee in a cup for a drug test. Fun stuff. Now I'm just freaking tired!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Confiscated

I'm freaking out and it doesn't have anything to do with my weight for once. I have this whole apartment thing going on. It's nothing bad, just very stressful and I don't feel like writing about it.

I had Charro tonight. She said, "You seem pretty wired. Is that because you're stressed?" "YES!" I told her all about the apartment situation and then we went on to talk about other things.

I brought a couple of posts from the last few days. I didn't whip them out until I had 15 minutes left. I tried to get out of reading them to her and just having her read them later but she didn't go for that. I didn't read them, just kind of summed them up a bit. I still really didn't want to get into them though. She said she wants to continue talking about them next week because it's really important that I talk and get comfortable talking. I told her I'd have a sessssiiioooonnn with myself on Friday since she won't be around. Ugh!

I can't even focus right now. Oh, Charro confiscated my hair clip because I kept flipping it. It was one of those barrettes with the clasp. She said, "I'm going to have to confiscate that. It's driving me insane!" So, I put it on my stomach and 10 seconds later I threw it over to her because I knew I'd start playing with it again.

Ugh, okay, I can't write anymore. I have too much going on in my head.

Oh, so I never got through all of my posting and comment stuff with Charro. I kind of tried to avoid it. I guess we'll go back to it on Tuesday. She was like, "maybe next time I see you, you will be living in a new place." Maybe...and that would be fucking stressful!

Stressing

Very stressful day...only to continue...

Off to Charro where hopefully I can distress for a few minutes, only to stress again (and not even about weight for once.) Will write later.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Just a Monday post

I'm home and looking for a new laptop to buy so I don't burn my legs anymore. That's no fun.

Tomorrow I have Charro. Unfortunately I only get to see her once this week because she will be away. :( Some people have suggested that I print out a few of my last posts to take to her. I can do that, however, I will probably wait to give them to her when I leave so we don't have to discuss them. She'd want me to read them to her, I know she would. She wants me to be able to verbalize things rather than write them. So, if I give them to her when I leave, I won't have to do that. Of course, she would want to "talk about that" the next time I see her.


I'm supposed to stop by my friend's house tonight but I don't feel like it. It's so crappy out and I just want to sit on my coach and watching DWTS. My mom is going to make me chicken, though I'm not even hungry. Fun stuff. They aren't eating because they had a big lunch. Yay for me!

I need some chapstick.

I'm still getting fatter and fatter and it's going to make me explode (mentally and maybe physically) sometime soon. Really! Thank God I didn't have my physical tonight, like I was supposed to, because then I would have weight 4 million pounds and that would have sucked. Now I have time to lose weight before I got because I haven't rescheduled my appointment. For the record, they cancelled, not me!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Tempted

I was really tempted to just shove my toothbrush down my throat and throw up while I was brushing my teeth....
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Why do I keep getting fatter?!?!?!?! Sad


Up, up and away

That pretty much sums it up...

Enough said


MY COLLECTION

This isn't even all of it. Here there are 125 though. I have a bunch more at home and in random pockets, I'm sure.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Calories rock

How does one burn nearly 1300 calories in exercise alone in one day and manage to gain 3 pounds after not eating all that much? Okay, I know that it doesn't add up mathematically and that I really couldn't have gained 3 pounds, so wtf is up? Hydration factors? I'm glad I'm not hungry for dinner though!

I'm so tired. Soccer was fun and I could probably just pass out now. Bedtime is imminent.

When you don't have a punching bag...

Punch your scale!

Before I go off on my rant, I will say that yes, I am aware that food has weight and while it might not make you gain weight, it will increase the number on the scale after eating it. Now, I can rant.

I ran in the park this morning and burned 700 calories. I'm going to play soccer in an hour to burn, hopefully, another 500 calories. I went out to lunch with my neighbors after my run and had an egg white omelette, not even the whole thing because it was huge, and a piece of wheat toast. I managed to gain some poundage after that. I don't really know how much because my scale went up 1.2 lbs in the matter of 2 step-ons. WTF? So, I don't know how it can be so off and go up and down like that. It never went back down to the first number, which was still too high anyway. It just climbed and that pissed me off. So, what did I do? Why, I punched the scale, of course. Not hard enough. I should have punched it harder. Apparently, I really like to punch things when I get mad, which might get me, and my hand, in trouble someday. I would actually like to go punch it so hard that I crack it. I think the only thing stopping me would be the possible bruises and swelling I might get on my hand and have to tell Charro about. Really, I'm not a self-destructive person. Well, I guess Charro would disagree with that on the ED level.

So, I'm going to play soccer. I better burn some mad calories and eat lettuce for dinner, or a protein shake. Maybe I can take my aggression out on the field.

Friday, April 25, 2008

A perfect example...

Of why I don't eat "normal" meals...because I gain 300 pounds after eating the smallest meal.

Before I forget

There were some things I was thinking about on my way home from Charro today. I wanted to write them all down so I'd remember to talk about them on Tuesday night. It turned out to be a long email that I wrote, but did not send. I may print it out and bring it on Tuesday...or not. I may just send it to her too, although I'm pretty sure that I won't do that. But, I'll post it on here.

(Some background info, we were talking about what you guys say to me in your comments.)


I need to write this down because I'll forget. I realized today that I really don't like talking about my feelings. Like when you asked me what other bloggers say to me, I didn't like talking about it. I didn't like saying that they think I'm "really struggling" or "seem to be getting worse" at times because I think they're overreacting. I think that they're just reading into what I'm writing and are too concerned about things. They always say that they're "concerned" and that I shouldn't say that "I'm fine" and stuff because they don't buy it. Like I said, I just feel like they're overreacting. Then again, maybe there's some "disconnect" (bonus word) there. Maybe I can't really see what's going on with me. I do feel like I'm taking two steps forward and two steps back sometimes. I can see some changes in my thoughts and some behaviors sometimes, then other times I completely freakout, sometimes for like two weeks, about my weight and my eating and everything.

I still want to lose weight. I really do. I'd probably be lying if I said I wasn't trying to lose weight. I don't feel like I'm working out enough. I feel like I need to workout more but I'm bored with it. I just feel like I need to do more and eat less.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Stepping outside the box

I don't know why a comment I just read from Leslie over at the Weightinggame in my last post hit me the way it did. I got home from the gym, read my comments and hopped in the shower. While I was in the shower I thought, it is sad that I feel this way about myself. It is sad that I constantly think these thoughts about myself. I don't know where those thoughts came from. I still need to lose weight, but I had a bit of an out of body experience at that point. I was able to look outside the box. Weird!

With that said, I need to really not eat that much today. I'm planning out my meals for the day.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Listen to brain, not stomach!

What can I say that I haven't already said a million times?! Blah!! I think I need to stop listening to my stomach and start listening to my brain! I had two dinners tonight. Okay, let me specify, I had a yogurt at 4:45 PM before I went to teach aerobics. I was planning on that being my dinner but after class, at around 7:30 I was starving. I really wanted pizza but I didn't want it at the same time. I bought a fruit salad so I could eat that but then ended up getting a piece of pizza and some spinach. I ate the pizza and some spinach and some fruit. I knew I should not have eaten it and should have just stayed starving, or just filled up on the fruit, but I ate and now I'm 3,784 pounds.

Seriously, I need to NOT eat. I HATE this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate myself for allowing myself to eat that. (Well, not that I really "hate" myself, I'm just pretty pissed off with myself and want to punch something.) It would all be so much better if I didn't gain any weight. I really need to buckle down and lose some fucking poundage.

Ew gross

I'm off to teach aerobics and I can feel the love handles/back fat blubbering over my shorts. I REALLY LOVE that!!! I might throw up.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I have no title

Hmm, I don't know what to write, I just feel like I have stuff to write.

I hauled ass to get to Charro's tonight. I wanted to get a smoothie on the way but I didn't have time. Oh well. I guess we talked about a lot of things. She said my name three times. The first time she said it I said, "Oh, you just said my name." She said "Is that bad?" I said, "It means that you're serious." She said, "I am serious." I knew she was but it's always worse when someone says your name.

She looked like she was getting a bit frustrated with me, and I don't mean that in a bad way, so I said, "You look like you're getting frustrated." She said, "No. Well, yes." I don't really remember why. I think it's because she knows that she can only do so much for me but I don't really remember. It wasn't like a "I'm pissed and frustrated at you" type thing. I didn't take it personally at all.

We did a lot of talking and when I got to the "I just hate my body and am fat and want to get rid of it all" part I wanted to just cover up my face. I HATE talking about that and I don't usually talk about it because I hate it. I said, "Can I cover my face now?" She said, "Why? What are you feeling?" I said, "I feel like I want to cover my face. I hate talking about this!!"

I guess it was a good "sessssioooonnn." I had so much more I wanted to write, just about stuff, but now it's too late and I've been writing this post for 2 hours now because I've taken breaks. I need to go to bed.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I say this all the time...

I feel really fat and gross right now. (I wonder how many posts I've started off with that sentence? Probably most of them.) I hate it. I ate dinner at 4 PM (Charro would love that). I have to go teach a class at 7:30 and then I have to head home for the night and come back tomorrow.

I was supposed to go get a physical next Monday but they called to cancel so now I don't have to get blood work done tomorrow. Yay! Now I have longer to lose weight too. :) Of course I won't try to do that. It doesn't matter all that much since they weigh me with all my clothes on. I could have an elephant on my back and they wouldn't notice and be like "step on the scale." Um, okay. That could possibly come in handy at some point in time.

I just really need to shed a few pounds. I have rolls and muffin top. I can't stand my love handles. They are nasty and I can see them blubbering out all the time. YUCK! Makes me want to vomit. If only it did make me vomit. No, I don't really mean that. I really need to just stop eating. Why is that so difficult? I MUST do it though. I really must!! Ugh. I am way too fucking fat!

I need to clean my air purifier but I don't want to. I need to eat nothing more today but an apple after I teach maybe, on the train home. Maybe I'll bring a Special K bar just in case I'm starving.

I'm sleepy.

More thoughts...one hour later....

I just want to throw up. I want to never eat again. I want to take a knife and cut off all the fat on my body. I know that sounds incredibly drastic and crazy but I wish it was that easy to do. Ugh. I need to get skinny...NOW!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

900 dinners later

I just ate like 48 dinners. Gotta love that. I really just want to lose weight. I need to lose weight.

A nice day with the rents

So my hot water came on 5 minutes before my parents arrived yesterday. I waited to shower until they got here. I left my scale out. What do you know, the first thing my mom says, after walking out of my bathroom..."You have a scale here too?" Yes, I do. I don't remember what followed that, if there was a "why" or a "why didn't you bring the one from home." I just remembered saying, "it was easier than bringing mine from home."

We spent the whole day out. It was so nice. We went down by the water. It was really nice to be with them. When we got back to my place, I was in the bathroom changing and my dad says, "Are you still seeing the therapist?" Ugh, MUST you use THAT word dad??? "Yes!" End of conversation.


We hung out here for a bit and then went to dinner. I gained like 1.5 pounds yesterday which I am so NOT happy about and I need that to come off. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I'm dehydrated. Whatever it is, it needs to go away! Maybe I should go back to Nashville!

Today I'm going to the gym and playing field hockey. Yay. I must workout. My legs are pretty tired after the past few days. I worked out on Friday and then walked to Charro's in my flip flops. (Not good for the feet and they're feeling it.) Yesterday I ran 8 miles in the park and walked around a lot with my rents, again in my flip flops. (My feet are not happy right now). Today I will do a short workout and then play for 2 hours. Hopefully I'll burn a lot of calories. I kind of like Sundays because I know I can slack on my workout a bit.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

My place sucks

My parents are on their way and I can't shower because I have no freaking hot water. WTF?? My place sucks and smells like fucking cigarettes.

Should I hide my scale or leave it out? I have 30 minutes to decide.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Go hide your porn

Funny, I left my appointment today and had so much I wanted to blog about and now I can't remember what it was. We talked about me bringing my mom in. Well, I said "Can I just send my mom here?" She said, "not without you." I would never go in there with my mom. I asked Charro what she would say to my mom if my mom asked her if I was "okay." (Obviously I know Charro wouldn't be able to talk about me so and she said that she couldn't say anything too. I said, "Let's just pretend you were answering that question."). She went on to say that I am not "okay" and that I have a really hard time when it comes to food, yada yada. I realized this after I left, I just want Charro to be able to tell my parents that there is nothing to worry about, that I am okay.

Oh, this is funny, I just remembered it. I told Charro that my rents are coming tomorrow and that I need to hide my scale and should go get some food to put in my fridge so they think I have food in my fridge. Ha! She said, "It's like you have to go home and hide your porn." I go, "Ooh, thanks for reminding me!" It was funny. Then she was like "It's like you're a drug addict and have to hide your drugs too. The porn thing was really funny though.

I was on the subway on my way home, I got off and put my sunglasses on. This guy goes to me, "Take the glasses off. You have beautiful eyes." I was like "thank you." He said, "You really do." Too bad it was an older man I'd never date.

Maybe later I'll think of all the other stuff I wanted to write. Sarah, Charro thinks it's a good idea for me to FFJ while she's away.

My last two songs

I just realized that I never posted the last two songs I wrote and sang for Charro. So, without further adieu...

In the style of Piano Man
It's 3 o'clock on a Friday. Time for my session to begin.
Charro comes out to get me. Says, "Hi, do you want to come in?"

She says Palm I believe you have an ed. I'm not really sure if you know.
But your workouts are rough and you don't eat enough.
It's a process but we'll take it slow.

La la la, de de da La la, de de da da da

Come have a seat, you're in therapy.
We'll talk about how you feel.
I know that it's hard cause you're scared of the lard
but we'll get you to eat a good meal.

She says you can't be a bit pregnant or a little EDed.
She says we have charts and I know you are smart
but at some point you have to break free.
She says Palm your life seems so 'hellish'
As the smile ran away from her face
Let's go back to the pros and cons list
It could help you get out of this place.

Oh, la la la, de de da La la, de de da da da

Come have a seat, you're in therapy.
We'll talk about how you feel.
I know that it's hard cause you're scared of the lard
but we'll get you to eat a good meal.

In the style of My Girl
I've got Charro at 3 o'clock today.
When it's cold outside, I take the subway.
I - guess - you'd say I don't have to FFJ.

Charro, Charro, Charro
Going to Charro
CHARRO

I spend sooooo much money on therapy.
You'd think by now I'd...eat some cheese.
I - still - eat - eggwhites and weigh myself morning, noon and night.

Charro, Charro, Charro
Going to Charro
CHARRO

She says I'm "shifting." Could it really be?
I'm still going crazy, cause I'm a faa-aa-tty.
It's been one year today
Did you think I'd really stay?

Charro, Charro, Charro
Going to Charro
CHARRO
She seems to enjoy them.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Want to go back

I need to go back to TN so I can lose weight. I didn't have time to really eat much while I was down there and that was a good thing. I couldn't work out either, but not eating was good. I mean, I ate for the most part, just not a ton. If I could do that and work out, I'd be all set. Maybe I should just rid myself of any and all food in my apartment. That's a good idea!

Errr

I HATE THE FUCKING SMOKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So nice out

It is so beautiful here today. I LOVE IT!! I need to go to the grocery store at some point in time. I don't know what I'll get. Probably yogurt and egg whites, that's what I always get. I really do have issues with this whole feeding myself thing. Oh well.

I taught my first aerobics class here last night. I really hope they liked it. I couldn't tell. I'm sore from it though. I hope they are too. I really hope they liked it. I guess I'll find out if they return next week. Ugh!

I love this weather. All I want to do is drink protein shakes when it's warm out. Yeah for me but Charro will not approve of that one. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that I'm not FFJing anymore. My food choices aren't always the best. She was telling me the other night that I should eat 500 cals for breakfast, 700 for lunch and 800 for dinner. NO WAY IN HELL, sista!! That will NEVER happen. I don't know what she's thinking. Seriously, I'd weigh 700 pounds if I did that. Nice try, Charro. Maybe she can eat that much but I'm smaller than she is so I can't. I didn't think you were supposed to consume that many calories in one sitting. More Charro tomorrow! :)

I need to do some work now I guess. I also need to get a new battery for my watch, but first I have to find a place to do that.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Blistery burn

My laptop burned my leg yesterday. It wasn't even on for a long time, and it wasn't on my lap for a long time either. I was wondering why my leg felt like it got cut and when I looked down I saw a line of blisters. Can you believe my computer burned my leg?? Nuts!

I'm still really tired. I walked to my appointment with Charro last night. It was like my body was on auto pilot and just got me there, kind of like when I teach aerobics at 5:30 in the morning, I'm done before I even know I've worked out because I've slept through the whole thing.

I didn't really have much to talk to Charro about last night. I was so tired that I couldn't really function. I told her all about my trip. She doesn't think I challenged myself enough last week with dinner. Oh well. Clearly that stress didn't come from me not challenging myself.

Charro's going away for three weeks again this summer. I knew she would. She said, "can I tell you a few days that I won't be here?" I was like, "Yes" so she did and then I said, "And then you'll go away for 3 weeks." She was like, "Did I tell you that already?" I said, "No. I just figured it was an annual trip." I think I leave when she comes back so I won't see her for like 8 years. Oh dear. Who knows what will happen.

Can I go back to sleep now?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What a fun night

I'm back and completely exhausted. I have a lot of stories and Charro tonight. Don't know when I'll blog because my brain is not functioning, but I'm sure it will happen today at some point.

Didn't gain weight! :) Am SOOOOOOO tired. (Not as tired as Jen though). Had more fun conversations with my DWTS friend. She even remembered my name. She came up and gave me a hug. She's so nice.

I need to get settled and then get ready for Charro. I'll write later. Hope you're all well. Not sure my eyes are open wide enough to catch up with everyones' blogs right now.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It's not so bad

I'm getting more and more tired as the days go on, but that's to be expected, given my schedule. It's all good though. I'm having fun. So my contacts won't go in my eyes, but that's okay. I look like a scumbum, but that's okay. I think I smell okay. I have showered. :)

I need to eat my fiber one but I'm not hungry yet. I'm going to be a complete Zombie by the time I get home and see Charro on Tuesday.

On the weight front, scale is staying right where it is, that's a good thing. Well, I'd prefer it go down but I'm glad it's not going up. I'm not working out, but I'm trying to move around a lot. I think I'm on my feet a bit, but I'm not sure.

I ate a lot of salad and veggies yesterday. Lunch and dinner were provided for us, which was great. They've been good about that this year. The salad was really good. I had the leftovers for dinner. :) Yum. Also had too much wheat bread but that's okay. I guess I needed something more and I'm not bothered by it.

I'm having a good time so far. Today is going to be a loooong day. I probably won't get down with work until 1 AM, if I'm lucky. (That's 2 AM my time). I'll have to be back at work around 7 AM tomorrow. The days will keep getting more exciting though.

Hmm, I guess I should eat my breakfast and get ready to go. Hope you're all well!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Here, tired

I'm here. I was on a plane with Jul-ee-ann (Had to put her name in like that b/c I'm getting so many hits and am afraid people I know my google her and find this) from DWTS. I talked to her for like 10 minutes. She was really nice. If I had time and wasn't so tired I'd write more about it. That was my highlight so far.

Had two rolls and a couple bites of veggies. There's a scale here at my friend's place. Yay!

Okay, I'll write more when I get a chance. Hopefully I won't be working until 1 AM again tonight.

Friday, April 11, 2008

The yeast rolls

Okay, I know I shouldn't have done this, but I did. I just looked up the nutritional facts for the yeast rolls I like at the restaurant I'm going to tonight. Well, they didn't have this particular restaurant online on the site I went to, but I looked up something similiar and I'll go with what I found here. These rolls, at this other restaurant, have 180 calories and 7 grams of fat per roll. So, there is no way in hell that I'll be eating any where near 4 rolls. Ugh, they're SO good though. I cannot comsume 720 calories in bread. I can't consume that many calories at one time, period!!! I actually just maybe should avoid going to this place all together. Then I'd be letting the ED win. (I can totally see charro saying that). I'd also be missing out on something I really look forward to getting when I go down south. [GEEZ!!!] AHHHHH!!!

Why don't I want to go?

I don't really know why I don't want to go on this trip. I'm going to Nashville for goodness sake. I LOVE country music. What's wrong with me. The setting I'm going to be in is a country music fan's dream. So, why don't I want to go? I don't know. I think part of it is that I have to leave my cats for four days and I fee really badly about doing that. I feel like they are left alone so much and it makes me sad. Of course I'm concerned by the fact that I won't be able to work out until I get home, but that's really not bothering me that much (right now). I don't think I'll have access to a scale, though last year there was one at my friends house, though it wasn't accurate. At least it would be a measuring tool. The other thing is, I don't really eat that much when I'm there, which is good. I guess I do a lot of "grazing," as Charro would say because of the craft services table, but at least I have to walk there to get something to eat. I usually don't have time to go out and get a real meal, though we do get catered food one day. The rest of the days I'm on my own. Well, I guess I'm really only on my own for 3 meals. I don't think I'm really concerned about the food situation.

Okay, I just remembered how the whole food thing works. I think I'll probably be eating a lot of pizza. That would be pizza without the cheese!! We eat in a cafeteria. It's all coming back to me now.


Tonight I will go to get my favorite bread in the world. I'll eat too much of it, feel like crap, (physically and mentally) but I guess I'll get over it. I'll probably eat 3-4 of these rolls, which are THE BEST rolls in the world. Some might consider that "a binge" and maybe it would be if I I didn't eat and then went to this place and got these things, but we don't have that restaurant here so I feel like it's sort of okay for me to eat a lot of these things. I don't know. I'll be full after I eat them and we'll call it a day.

Man, I have to leave here in less than two hours. I better do something, like maybe eat lunch at some point?? Hmm, maybe. I'm not really hungry. I just want it to be Tuesday already. Why is that??

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Am I home yet?

Is it bad that I'm already looking forward to coming home from my trip and I haven't even left yet?? That's bad. I don't even know why that is either. I'm not even freaking out (yet) about not being able to workout while I'm there. I don't know what the deal is. I am booked on AA and with all their flight cancellations I was wondering if my flight would be a go ahead, but I think it's okay because I'm flying on a 737 and those aren't the planes being worked on. So...off I go. I should arrive in TN tomorrow afternoon and I don't have to work until Saturday, so I can go out with friends tomorrow night, which will be cool. I haven't seen this one friend of mine for a few years. I met her the first year we worked together, 6 years ago, and we clicked. We both LOVE palmtrees!! :)

So, that's that. I started packing and I'm packing light. That's definitely a first! Maybe I'll blog while I'm on the plane tomorrow.

I have to call the subway guy back later. He called today. We've been chatting since we met and have met up a few times. He's been away for the past week and he was sick before that. He wants a home cooked meal. Think that's a hint??

A Thursday session?

I saw Charro today since I'm going out of town tomorrow. It was very nice of her to fit me in today since she doesn't do her private practice people on Thursdays. How nice.

It was in the office I don't particularly care for. It's her office at the other place she works so it's not a therapy office, but a work office. It's very tight quarters and we have to sit face to face, which I love oh so much!! She knows I hate that. She was like, "But you look at me in the other office." I was like, "Not head on. I lay down and kind of peep out at you and turn my head a little."

By the end of the "session" I felt pretty comfortable in there though. I thought I talked a bit, which was good, and didn't think much about facing her directly anymore. I asked her if I could hop on the scale (jokingly) and she said "No!" We talked about the songs I've written, because I emailed them all to her yesterday. I'll have to post the other two on here. They won't make much sense because there are things that she's said to me in the past.

We also talked about dinner on Tuesday. She said again, that I did not eat enough and when I started to defend myself she said, "We're not going to debate about this." She so knew I was going to start saying that I did eat enough. I guess she knows me pretty well.

So, it was a good sesssiiiooon. Oh, she said something about me being "in treatment" and I guess I must have made a face or reacted somehow because when she was done talking she said "What? It was the term 'in treatment' wasn't it. I realized it after I said it." Ha, she knows I hate those words.

So, I'm off tomorrow, provided my flight on AA doesn't get cancelled. I'll be back Tuesday for my appointment with Charro. I won't be able to check blogs. I don't even know if I'll be able to blog because I'll be working the entire time I'm in TN. So, I'll be out of the loop for a bit. I hope ya'll take care of yourselves. Be good. I'll post before I leave. :)

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A long day

I just got back to my place. I got up early, went to the gym, showered and hopped on a train, did what I had to do at home, hopped back on a train, and here I am. I think it's hot in here. I need to open my door. K, done. Now I'm watching Idol from last night.

I have Charro tomorrow because I'm heading out of town until Tuesday. I scheduled my return flight so I could get back for Charro on Tuesday. That's bad, huh? I'm SOOOOOO happy that that dinner is over with. I'll have to do it again though. :( Ugh, I wonder what she's going to make me eat next time. I don't think she was too happy with my pizza choice, or the way I ate it for that matter. She did tell me that I did "a good job" though. Not that I think she was "unhappy" with my "performance" but I think she would have liked me to have eating more and a more real cheese slice of pizza. Oh well. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

I have go to a different office tomorrow. Ugh! It's more like a medical facility and it sort of freaks me out. It's not a therapy office either, it's like a work office and it's like close encounters in there. Ugh.

I'm still exhausted from yesterday, and the days leading up to it. Stress can make ya a bit tired.

K, gotta catch up on things.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Done with dinner

And breathe....

I don't even know what to say. Getting the pizza was interesting. Charro came out to get me, like usual, and offered to help bring everything in. We went in and I was like "can I just go home now?" She asked why. She was like "look, I made a little table for us." How nice. I ended up getting her 2 pieces of pizza and got myself one because she said if I got a Sicilian piece then I only had to get one piece. That meant no dessert too.

I told her I wasn't hungry but she said I had to eat anyway, which I knew she would say. I also knew I wouldn't be hungry because I was so nervous. So we both started eating and I was pulling apart my pizza (it was a square, thicker piece) and she didn't like that too much. She was like, "Why don't you just bite it? Why are you picking it apart?" I told her that if I bit it the cheese would fall off, which it did when I took a bite. So, I left the cheese on the plate and she told me to put it back on and eat it. I said that I would eat it after I finished my pizza. She said, "The point is to eat the cheese on the pizza and not pick the whole thing apart." I kept ripping pieces off and eating it because it was a messy piece. I got a huge thing of sauce on my shirt. So, whatever, I forced the stupid piece of pizza down my throat and told her I was full. She said, "Did you eat all your cheese?" I said, "Yes, do you want to see?" She said, "I did want to ask you if I could see." I pulled out the foil and plate and she said, "I believe you." I said, "you didn't believe me in my dream."


Then we talked about the dining experience. She asked what my anxiety level was on a scale of 1-10. I said it was a 10 before I came but now it was much lower. Then she said that I didn't really eat a lot and that was not enough for dinner. I totally think it was. My stomach said it was for sure!! So, she started talking about dessert and I told her I had made it but plans changed when I got to the pizza place. She said, "But you didn't bring the dessert?" I said, "No, I have it." She said, "Bring it out." I said, "But we don't need to have it because I had my required amount of food." She said, "It was not a lot of food." So I pulled out the rice krispy treats and broke them in half, though I had cut them already, and I took the smaller one. She didn't go for that. She was like, "Wait a minute. Let me see that." I said, "see" and she said, "give that to me. Let's look at the difference between these two. Yours is much smaller. Here's what we'll do." She proceeded to break a piece of the bigger piece and give me both smaller pieces. I said, "Now I have too much." She left one on the little pieces on the table and I just left it there. I didn't eat it. At the end she said, "Are you going to take that with you?" I said, "No, you can have it!!"

She asked how I was getting home and I said "running." (jokingly). She said, "Please promise that you'll take the subway home." Then she asked what I was going to do when I got home. Then I left pretty much.


So, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, though I did know that I would think it would be much worse than it would actually be.

I'm still full. My weight is sort of okay, so I'm okay with that. I think my neighbor is on her way over so I gotta end this...

Ugh, 7 more hours

I so do NOT want to go tonight. I had a message on my phone when I was done working out. I was hoping it was Charro cancelling our appointment. No such luck!! Ugh, I really think I'm going to puke. I can have b-sat and not even on purpose either. I am SO FREAKING NERVOUS!!! I do NOT want to do this. I am as stressed out about this as I was when I went to see her the first time. I have a feeling this will be worse than that though. The only good thing is that I won't hear her say, "So you chugged the water?!" Ugh, yes, yes I did.

I can't even work out when I'm this nervous. I did manage to do 1 hour and 45 minutes, only because my friend showed up. I'm glad she did. You'd think in times like these I'd want to work out all day to get rid of this nervous energy, but it doesn't work that way for me. I'm so worked up that I can't focus on anything and that includes working out.

I just made rice krispy treats. I must admit, the one I cut for myself is smaller than the one I cut for Charro. I don't think she'll go for that but I'll give it a shot. I'll just stick it in my mouth really quickly so she doesn't have time to switch with me. (I'm going to throw up).

I need to do work but I don't want to. I need to lay out but the sun is not out and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to sit still anyway. Maybe I'll hang some pictures.

Can I throw up?

Can I throw up? I can't believe I have to eat dinner with Charro tonight. Ugh! I am going to throw up. This is going to be the most awkward and uncomfortable 50 minutes ever!!! Seriously!! Ugh.

After much battling, I've decided to make rice krispy treats. I figure that they are less fat and calories than another piece of pizza would be and I can control the size of the piece. Ugh, I'm sure that's not going to be her favorite dessert, since she seems to like real, full-fat and chocolaty things. Oh well. Ugh.

I'm going to the gym for like 8 days now. I've got some energy to burn even though I'm so tired because I couldn't sleep.

Monday, April 07, 2008

And now...the dream

Fast forwarding to the important parts....

I was going to my appointment with Charro. My friend was coming with me because I was nervous. It was 6:41 PM and my appointment was at 7 PM. I was freaking out because I was running late. I said, "I should have left by now. I still have to pick up dinner and walk there." I picked up a salad to bring with me. It was in one of those white Styrofoam containers and a plastic bag. I got to my high school, which is where I was having my sessssiiiooon with Charro. I was supposed to have it in my chorus teachers office but when I got there, she was still there. (Oh, I was my age now, not in high school. I don't know why we were having it there.) I went to put my food in the fridge and it was like it was in the phys. ed. office and there were two male gym teachers in there and 4 very full refrigerators. I put my food in the fridge and walked out to find Charro out there. She said we were going to have out sesssiiiooon in the physical therapy room downstairs. I said, "ok. I just have to go to the bathroom first." She followed me to the bathroom, which was in the same place as all the refrigerators. There were two stalls and the two male gym teachers were there too. I went to shut the stall door but Charro just stood there. I said, "Um, do you mind leaving so I can go to the bathroom?" She said that she wasn't going to leave and she stood there with the door open. I said, "What?? Do you think I'm going to throw up?" She said, "I don't know." I hadn't even eaten yet. So, I sat on the toilet and I couldn't pee. I said, "I can't pee with you here. I have stage fright." Finally I stood up and said, "I guess I'm not going to pee." I then went to go get my dinner and Charro went out into the hall and I was going to meet her downstairs. Well, I couldn't find my dinner. I looked through all the fridges and they were all packed with food. I could not find mine for the life of me. I looked and looked for about 10 minutes and finally walked out. I ended up in this cafeteria area, much like that of a food court in a mall but they weren't selling any food. I saw some women from my gym at home and stopped to talk to them. Then, I saw Charro sitting down eating her sandwich. I went over and said, "I can't find my food. I've looked everywhere but I can't find it. I think someone took it." She looked at me and said something about not believing me. I said, "You don't believe me, do you?" She was like, "No, not really." I was getting really pissed at her because she didn't believe me. I said, "I can't talk about this here." (There were way too many people around, some who I knew.) I was so pissed at her though because she didn't believe me. Then, I woke up.

Ugh, that was my lovely dream. Stressed much!?

Stress dreams

I had a crazy, stress dream last night. I'll write about it when I get home, or on the train maybe.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

We're all home

I came home today for my nephews 4th birthday. My parents got home yesterday from their two months away. We were all here. Food and cake and fun. It wasn't bad. Of course, I didn't have any cake. Well, I had two bites. I need to lose weight still. I want to lose weight!! I just want to be skinny. I want to get there before I see Charro on Tuesday but that won't happen. I'm afraid of what will happen when I go to Nashville on Friday and won't be able to work out for three days. Hopefully I will compensate by not really eating. That hopefully won't be too hard to do because I will be working the entire time, day and night. If I come back having gained weight, I WILL freak out!!

So, dinner with Charro on Tuesday is freaking me out. Can I cancel?? Please, please!!?? I don't have any desire to have a meal with her. It's going to be some completely weird and awkward!! Totally. I can't even begin to imagine what it's going to be like. I'm trying not to think about it, but it tends to pop into my head, especially while I'm trying to sleep, and it freaks me out!! Ugh, it's going to be so uncomfortable!! Maybe I can eat really, really, really slowly and only finish one piece in the 50 minutes that we have together. Then I'll have to leave having only eaten one piece of pizza. I don't want to have to talk about the whole ordeal either. Is that really necessary? Seriously, what am I going to say? I feel fat and gross and I want to have b-sat because you made me eat this pizza with cheese on it and it's a big blob of grease and fat??? Is that what I say?? Can I just "forget" to get the food? Can I drop it on the way? Can my cheese "accidentally" fall off the pizza? Can I get lost and not make it to my appointment on time?? Oh, that's an idea. I can be late and have less time to eat and then I won't be able to eat both pieces. Yay!! Hmm, or I can just cancel (though I won't). Or I can "CHUG the water." Haha!! I will be walking to my appointment and possibly walking home from it as well. We shall see!!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I have no answers

Ugh, I think I'm in a bad mood (still). I think I get really frustrated by the fact that Charro asks me the same questions all the time, and everytime I have the same "I don't know" answer. It gets annoying because I DON'T KNOW "why" or "what" to her questions. I DO NOT KNOW!!!! Does she think I'm lying? I don't have the answers!!

All I do know right now is that I need to lose 2-3 pounds. I need to get back where I was when I almost got fired again. It's not "underweight." She said something to me yesterday about getting to a healthy weight, or something like that. Um, hello, my weight is more than healthy!!

I'm tired. Going running!!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Well, that was crappy

My day was good. My appointment with Charro sucked!! I did NOT want to be there. I didn't have anything to talk about. I told her about my latest dream and then I felt stupid. She always reads into my dreams and comes up with these weird interpretations. This time she was like, "In all of your dreams we are never in the office, (not true) and there isn't much therapy going on." Then she went into this whole thing about how we more like "family" instead of patient/therapist in my dreams. Um, I won't be calling her mom anytime soon. So she brings these weird things up and I look at her like "Huh. Not really!!" Then, later on, she asked me if I wished I was a boy when I was growing up because I looked up to my brother and was an athlete. I was like, "I don't think that thought ever crossed my mind." (Okay, that's a lie. It crosses my mind a couple days out of every month!).

I just didn't want to talk. I had a button down shirt on and it kept opening up so I was fidgeting with that the whole time. I didn't want her to be able to see right in my shirt the whole time.

So dinner is on for Tuesday. I either bring two pieces of pizza (each) for us or one piece and a dessert. I don't know what to do? HELP ME with that guys!! I offered to make dessert, but I know if I do, it will end up being low fat, which sort of defeats the purpose of the exercise. So I don't know what to do. If I get just the pizza, the decision is sort of out of my hands.

I asked her what kind of dessert she wanted and she said that she likes anything but really loves chocolate, but to make what I want. I went on to say that I want to make something that she's going to really like and that I get joy out of seeing others enjoy the food. That was the very last thing that came out of my mouth because time was up. So, I sat up and started getting my stuff together and she said something about it being too bad that our time was up because what I said was really important. Then she goes "Why are you running out of here?" I said, "because my time is up." I left her with something she really wanted to discuss. I told her I saved that until the end, which I didn't, so I didn't have to talk about it.

So that was my shitty session. I didn't think it would I ever end. I just kept looking at the clock. I just wanted it to be over. I didn't want to talk about anything.

Oh, when I walked in Charro goes "So, what brings you here today?" (She was making a joke because it was a year ago today that I went to her for the first time.) I responded with "Nothing brings me here!"

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Filling the basket

I went to the grocery store this morning and walked up and down the aisles forever and put nothing in my basket. Nothing!! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I need to snap out of it fast!! Over a week of this crappy mood/feeling shitty thing is long enough.

Finally I put some stuff in my basket; fat free cheese, egg beaters (they didn't have the whites), a yogurt (this new kind with twice the protein so I thought I'd try it), a bag of frozen veggies, and whole wheat English muffins. Wow...exciting.

Someone please smack me across the head and get me out of this funk!!!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Enough is enough

Seriously, I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of being and feeling so fat all the time. I hate my weight. I hate my body. I hate the fat rolls. I hate the number on the scale, though I hate the way I look more than I hate the number on the scale. I need to change something, but I don't know how. Apparently I need to kick up the workouts a notch and stop eating. I'm getting fatter and fatter by the minute and I will lose my mind shortly if I don't lose some weight.

I guess I have nothing else to say. Can I just cry??

I wish I could say everything that goes on in my mind and how I feel to Charro. I just SUCK at it.

I should start partaking in B-Sat. (I know, not a good idea)

Rollin, rollin, rollin

I have THE HUGEST stomach roll and I might throw up. Ugh, it's SOOOOO GROSS!!! I'm going to lose my mind. Why am I getting fatter and fatter and fatter?? I still have to go out to dinner too. Ugh!

Irritable?

My appointment last night was ok. I was running around like crazy to get there. I was starving and didn't have time to get dinner so I picked up a light mocha frap for dinner. I don't normally drink caffeine so when I do, I get a little spastic. (not to mention the face that I got it after 6:30 PM).

So, I got to Charro's. We discussed dinner, which will be taking place next Tuesday by the way. Ugh! She was like, "We'll get two pieces of pizza." I was like, no way. Then she said if we get one piece we need to have something else with it like a salad or dessert. I asked if we could get veggies but she didn't go for that and then I said a salad will work. She really wanted ice cream and I said, "Too bad it would melt. We can't really do that." (Thank goodness!! I am NOT eating ice cream!!) She really kept insisting on dessert so I said, "ok, I'll make a dessert and bring it in." She was like "I can taste low-fat from a mile away." I think I can make something low fat and she won't know it. Ok, not the point of the exercise but whatever. I might just make rice krispy treats because those are low fat without me messing with them. I said, "Maybe I'll make apple strudel." Again she chimes in with, "That would be really good with a scoop of ice cream." I always eat my apple strudel because it only has 1 gram of fat in it. :)

My caffeine had kicked in at this point and I was moving my legs like crazy. Finally Charro says, "Can you please stop moving your legs?" I said, "Fine, but I'm going to call you out next time you're twirling your hair." (She's ALWAYS twirling her hair). She said, "That's a little different. I'm not having a mini workout over there." I think I snapped at her a little bit and said, "It's the caffeine!!" She looked a bit stunned and responded with, "Is that why you're irritable??" I was like, "You think I'm irritable?" She said yes and I was like "oh."

I started moving my legs again shortly there after and we kept chatting. I was talking really fast too, I think, because of the caffeine. So, that was it, I think.

I couldn't stop moving all night. I wanted to run a million miles. I went to visit my neighbor and I was sitting there and she was like, "What's wrong with you?" I said, "I had caffeine!" She was like, "You're eyes are all wide." I was talking a million miles a minute still too. I didn't go to bed until after midnight and then I woke up at 6 AM. Fun times!! No more caffeine!

I had a crazy Charro dream too, which I might post. I already wrote it so I wouldn't forget it so I think if I post it, it will be below this post.

Weird, crazy dream

My dream:

I went to Charro's apartment for my appointment. I got there and her husband was there and stayed the whole time. I sort of cared but sort of didn't at the same time. I ended up hanging out more with him than talking to her. He was cool and funny. She was doing things around her apartment and at one point I started getting mad because I was sitting there watching the clock going, "I only have 8 minutes left, now 6..."

There were dirty tissues all over the place. I needed to get a tissue because I felt like I had something hanging out of my nose. So, I went into the bathroom to blow my nose and Charro came with me. There was a scale there so I got on it and then I said, "We should both get on it at the same time." I forget what her response was, but I walked out of the bathroom and she got on it and weighed herself. She came out and said, "122." I was really surprised she told me her weight.


We go sit back down and the doorbell rings and it's my parents. I didn't want them to come in but she let them in. I got really mad and refused to talk. Charro's husband, Mike, was still there. I started talking to him more and ignoring what was going to because I didn't want my parents to be there and I wasn't going to talk. Charro goes, "tell them about the peanuts." I was like, "No!! I'm not telling them. If you want them to know, you can tell them." So she started telling them about some peanut incident (I have no idea what it was) and she had people in costumes doing some sort of play to explain what happened. My dad was sitting on the edge of the bed coming his hair and then got up and shook the costume people (they might have been dressed as animals) hand.

Charro proceeded to tell them about the peanut incident and I sat there talking to Mike and laughing with him. I was still pissed though. I was like, "great, now I have to go home and my parents are going to want to talk about this. I'm not talking about this or anything with them." (I said it loud enough for Charro to hear me too.)

Her doorbell rang and her next patient was there. We all started getting up. (Now, this is weird). My grandmother was there but she was dead. She wasn't there before but when we were leaving, she was all of a sudden there, just sitting on the couch. So my mom and I went over to her and grabbed her arms to help her up. I remember her being able to talk a little, like she was sort of alive, but she wasn't. I said, "grandma, can you grab my Poland springs water on the table?" She couldn't so Mike got it for me.


Weird freaking dream. Charro is going to LOVE this one. That's what you get when you drink caffeine at night.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

How?

How am I supposed to go into Charro's office tonight and tell her how fat I am and how gross I feel and that I need to lose 10 pounds? I hate saying the word "fat" out loud and I'm going to have to because that's what I am. Maybe I'll just say "huge," that's easier to say.

I really do need to lose some serious weight!!