Monday, March 31, 2008

The dinner...

I thought about calling Charro today to see if we can just go get dinner tomorrow night instead of waiting. I think I just want to get it over with, but I think she wants to "talk about it" before we go do it, which means dining tomorrow night would be out of the question. There is lots to talk about, that's for sure. For instance, I need to try and sway her away from the whole pizza with cheese thing and maybe start off with something less "challenging, " like cucumber rolls. Okay, she's not going to go for that because the point is to "challenge" myself, but don't ya think eating with her is challenging enough. I'm going to be so nervous that I won't even have an appetite. Oh dear. And she wants me to eat TWO pieces of pizza WITH cheese???!! Um, not so much. Never.

So, my air purifier seems to be working quite well (Sarah). My place smells (or doesn't smell I guess.)

I'm off to the train station in a bit to head home.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Do ya feel it?

I can feel myself getting fatter by the instant. I can see it too. My stomach has definitely gotten fatter as of late. Definitely more rolls to grab and I don't like it. Is it because I turned 30??? Maybe I really do need to starve myself.

No more pants

I'm done wearing pants! I cannot find a pair of pants that don't make me look huge. Besides the fact that every pair of pants I try on, petites included, are way too long on me, I just look huge in everything.

I tried on a bunch of pants today, and a pair of jeans that actually fit my length wise, bit I looked like a house in all of them. I can't stand looking at myself. My weight is "ok" right now but my body is not. I look at myself and hate what I see. If I were to go by the mirror alone, I'd say that I need to lose 10 pounds. I'm gross. I want to look like a little stick. That's all.

Oh yeah, and I woke up at 4:30 this morning completely freaking out about my dinner date with Charro. We don't even have a date set and it's FREAKING me out. I will definitely talk to her about that on Tuesday.

Friday, March 28, 2008

A dinner date

It's almost official, Charro and I will be dining together sometime in the near future. It really didn't seem all that bad when she first mentioned it, then I left her office and walking down the street and started thinking about it and I started freaking out about it. She wants me to eat TWO pieces of pizza WITH cheese. I can eat two pieces of pizza no problem, but I get it without the cheese. It would be hard enough eating ONE piece WITH cheese WITH Charro, never mind two. I am only getting one. It's too late (7:10 PM) for dinner anyway.

She was like, I have an idea, we can get pizza from this place (right near her office) and we can get two pieces and talk about things like movies and stuff. I go "Two pieces each or total?" She was like "Two piece for each of us." Ugh!!


The only reasons why I am doing this, and it's not for the right reasons, is because I want to see her eat and I want to ask her questions about Italy. (she's from there). She was like "What kind of questions?" I said "Nothing personal, don't worry." Basically, I'm curious about her. She's skinny so I don't how she eats like I normal person. It's really not fair at all. I saw her 2 year old ass in her black pants today. My ass is like 5 times the size of hers and I'm a lot shorter than she is.

Oh, I showed her a picture of me in a dress from the other night and we talked about that. She said, "The first thing you probably focus on in that picture is your body." I was like, "Yep." I said that I was huge and she said, "There is nothing about you in that picture, or in real life that is huge." I said, "I guess we won't get anywhere arguing about this." She agreed.


I felt like I was going to pass out on the couch. My body is so tired. I hope it's from my workouts yesterday, and over the week, and that I'm not getting the flu. Oh, that led us to talk about why I am "exercising compulsively." She says that me working out for an hour and then walking to my appointment later on in the day is me exercising compulsively. I told her that I just like walking and she was like, "What if someone came over and you didn't have time to walk and you had to take the subway? Would you make up for it by walking home?" Um...good question Charro!! She sort of has a point.

That's all. I feel like my legs are gonna fall off.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Post 1000!!

Funny how this is my 1000th post. I was going to title it "I need to stop" but then I saw that it was my 1000th post. [GEEZ!!]

I need to STOP freaking out and going crazy all the time. My weight is completely back to normal right now. Ask me how I've lost almost 3 lbs in just a few hours? I have no fucking clue. Is my scale completely whacked out and messing with my mind? Perhaps. This is why I need Bertha. At least she is accurate!!

So my weight right now, provided that B-2 is actually correct (knowing that it is at least 1 lb overweight), is actually good right now. Actually, if I subtract the extra pound I'm actually below what Charro's "lowest weight" for me is. This morning I was 3 pounds more than I should have been and not I'm just where I should be. Please, oh please let it stay this way (or go down).

I have to go take a kickboxing class tonight. I emailed a man about a teaching job and he asked if I could come down and take his class tonight. I guess he wants to see how "fit" I am. I'll beat his ass up, especially if I'm in a feisty mood, which I have been in. I hope he likes what he sees and gives me a teaching job. I could use the extra bucks.

I'm sorry you guys read all my shit all the time. I guess you don't have to if you don't want to, which is the beauty of it. Thanks for your words. Lord knows I might be freaking out again later so bare with me.

Tune out

Don't even bother reading this, it's just more of the same shit...

I managed to gain a pound at the gym today. How the hell does that happen?? It's just great, just great!! Seriously, I'm really not eating anymore. I don't care. I think I should live off protein shakes, air popped popcorn and fruit. That sounds like a good plan. Starting now, that is the plan. But what about the veggies and tofu I made last night? I can't let them go to waste. What am I gonna do?

No one else cares that I've gained weight. I'm the only one that hates me because of it. Not that I necessarily hate me, I am just hating me right now. I think I'm a nice, funny person...I just hate my fat body. Why is it so bad all of a sudden?? Oh, I know why, because I gained 694 pounds!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

More crap

I want to throw up more than anything right now.
I can't stand my body, I am a big fat cow.

I'm never eating again. That would be so nice.
If I get hungry, I'll chew on some ice.

I really want to punch something, or run a hundred miles.
I wish I could have B-Sat and not get it on the tiles.

I hate this so much. It sucks my big fat ass.
I'm drinking lots of water out of a big glass.

I don't know what else to say.
I just want it to go away.

I shouldn't even post this because I don't want people to know how I feel.
I don't want any sympathy, I just don't know how to deal.

I HATE FOOD!!!! I hate all this dumb shit. I will freaking starve myself until I get back to the weight I need to be at!!!!!

Two posts in less than an hour, that's a record. FUCKERS!!!!!!!!

Not again

Ugh, I weigh 2 freaking pounds more than I weighed when I freaked out on Monday. I can't do this anymore. I really can't. Charro says that I really need to talk to myself (in a positive way) in times like these, but how the hell can I do that?? That's the last thing I can do. I don't even know what to do at this point. I just want to give up, throw up, run up to a thousand miles. UGH!!!!

I thought I'd be "good" and make a real dinner tonight; veggies and tofu. Well, WTF? I might just lose it. How can I weigh so freaking much??? I had some strawberries and blackberries today and veggies. (I had more than that). Maybe I'll take a huge ass shit and I'll lose 732 pounds. One can home.


I was fine until I weighed myself. In fact, I hadn't weighed myself since this morning. Clearly that is an awful idea!!!

I need to just not buy any food anymore and have an empty apartment. Fuck food!! That's all I have to say. If I do NOT weigh 5 lbs less than I weigh right now by Friday, heads are gonna fly!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Afterthought: Would it really be that bad if I had B-Sat?)

Better this morning

I woke up in a better mood today, which is a good thing. I hate when I'm miserable...no one else likes it either, though I usually tend to hide the fact that I'm miserable so people aren't aware of it.

I walked into Charro's office last night and said, "I'm in a bad mood!" She was like, "You are? You don't look like you're in a bad mood. You're smiling." I was like, "I'm always smiling." She said, "I know, so it's hard to tell what kind of mood you're in."

She said it made her sad that I get so upset by one pound. It was weird to hear her say that how I feel makes her sad. She also said that I am very smart and wouldn't be doing something without a reason. I think I talked a lot, which is good. I hope I did.


I felt a bit better when I left. I'm looking forward to going back on Friday. I feel much better today though. Now I must get ready for the gym.

Just found out that my poor sister has the flu. She is still recovering from her surgery, and her husband is in another country. Poor sis has no one there to help her out. I feel bad! I also hope that I don't get the flu! I spent a lot of time with her last week and Sunday and Monday when she was sick. [geez]

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Of course...

I've been sitting here all day waiting for my stupid air purifier. Just after 4 I decided to take a shower so I could get ready for Charro. Well, wouldn't you know the stupid thing was "attempted delivery" at fucking 4:11 PM. Seriously...wtf?

I'm walking to Charro. I don't feel like going. I never feel like going when I'm in a bad mood. I know I should talk but I don't really want to or have anything to say. Blah!! I probably should eat before I go too, unless I want my stomach to growl in there, or if I want to bring my dinner in there...not!

Nothing sounds appealing

I'm hungry but I'm not. The thought of putting any food in my mouth right now makes me cringe. I just bought some nice blackberries and strawberries too, and those don't even sound appealing to me. I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't know why I'm in such a yuck mood. I guess it will be cool if I lose a few pounds. It all stemmed from me gaining a pound. Seriously, that is absolutely ridiculous!! One pound and I get into this kind of mood? There's gotta be something more to it.

On a brighter note, my air purifier is "out for delivery" so hopefully I will get it today!
****edited****
(My weight is back to normal but I still feel yucky!)

Monday, March 24, 2008

bluck!

I feel so fucking fat and gross right now and I'd love to have b-sat, but wait, I don't do that so I guess I can't. It's not like I ate a lot. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in a bad mood now! I am never eating again and I'm working out until I fall over. (Ok, I probably won't but I feel a smidgen better when I say that. Okay, that was a lie too, I don't feel better.)

Maybe I should "Chug the water."


I haven't even weighed myself and I know that it's gonna suck ass. I'd probably break the scale. Um, clearly running 9 miles isn't helping me anything. What the hell am I gonna do tomorrow to top that? I just want to scream. I'm gonna do some abs now.

Nine again

I accomplished my goal and ran 9 miles this morning. I had my friend H. on the machine next to me so she got me through most of it. When I got to the end I felt good and said, "I should keep going." H. asked me how far I went and said, "You're done!" I did need to go to work anyway. My legs aren't even tired, which is crazy. That means that I can walk to Charro tomorrow!!

So now that I've run 9 miles, the most I've run since last summer...pre-concussions, I won't be satisfied with anything less and need to keep going up. I really need people to talk to while I do it though or I will get SO bored, even with my music. I need socialization.

I'm still fat, however. Hate that. It needs to go away. I hate weight!!

My kids are happy to have me back here. They missed me.

I should write down the stuff I want to talk to Charro about tomorrow. I thought of things after our last sessssiiiooonnn that I wanted to talk to her about.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I love my stomach

I just looked at my stomach. It's fat!! I want it to be flat. I want my ribs to stick out. I've been watching a show on penguins for the past two hours, not that that has anything to do with anything. I would like to not have to eat. Why does everything revolve around food? I would like to lose a few pounds. I would like to be able to run 9 miles tomorrow easily. I would like to wake up tomorrow and weigh 3 pounds less than I do right now. I better weigh at least 2 pounds less or I will be really pissed.

Seeing these baby penguins die makes me sad. I feel so bad for them. I hate seeing animals suffer.

I think I will go to bed soon. I have a million calories to burn tomorrow so I need my rest.

Too much

I'm home. Got to my sister's early this morning. We went to the store and I made sauce and baked ziti. Both came out pretty good, if I do say so myself. I ate too much and feel gross and weigh too much right now. My weight needs to go down at least a pound before I go to bed. Hmm, I ate dinner around 3:30 PM so I think I can make it the rest of the day without eating anything. It's not like I ate a lot of dinner, a few ziti (big ones called Gigantoni) and some steamed broccoli, but I had some crackers and cheese before dinner. I'm still stuffed. NO MORE FOOD for me!!!

I'm so sleepy too. I'm going to go lay on the floor in the sun for a bit. Tomorrow, I'm going to try and run 9 miles again. I'm not sure if that will happen but it really needs to. Now that I've done 9, anything less is unacceptable!!

Happy Easter

I need to write quickly. I have to shower and get ready to head home and head to the train station. I'm going to make a lasagna when I get to my sister's house because she can't do anything still. It's going to be a non-traditional Easter for us. No Italian treats and not much food, which doesn't bother me at all. No parents because they're in Florida. Just us. Maybe I can get home early and chill.

Happy Easter. Easter Bunny





Friday, March 21, 2008

Almost a year with Charro

I first saw Charro on Good Friday last year. Almost a year ago. I told her that I felt like I hadn't been there in forever and she said, "I know. It feels like a really long time." Maybe she missed me. :) It was only a week.

I told her she should start a group and she said that she has thought about it. (She mentioned to me a few weeks ago that I should join one). She asked if I would go if she had one and I was like, "No. I don't think I'd do too well in a group. I wouldn't talk."

I told her about the guy and she said, "What are you going to do if he makes a move?" Um, really not comfortable talking about that with ya, Charro. I said, "I don't know. We'll cross that bridge when we get there." She knows that I'm not attracted to him.

She talked about how my Tuesday night 7 PM time is the perfect time for us to have dinner. I said, "What if I get spinach in my teeth?" She said, "I'd probably get food in my teeth too." She said she would eat with me and we'd need to have three different food groups on our plate. Um, I said, "What would that consist of?" and then asked her if SHE was cooking!! She laughed and said no. I said, "I'm curious" (then stopped talking) and then she looked at me and I said, "Tell me more about that" in her "sexy voice." Then I said, "do you like how I imitate your voice?" She said, "You make me sound like...I don't know what you make me sound like. TELL ME ABOUT THAT (imitating herself, which was really funny). You make me sound like a yogi or like I work for a 900 number." HA!! I was like, "You don't sound like either of those." It was freaking hysterical.


I went on to say that I would curious how I would handle the situation. She said that's why we would do it. I said that it completely freaks me out and she said, "If if didn't freak you out, we wouldn't have to do it. We'll only do it when you are ready to make that change."

She asked me if I was ready to change (before the eating conversation) and I said, "I knew you were going to ask me that today." She was like "How?" and I said, "I don't know, but I knew it was coming." She said, "What did you think about it?" I said, "I thought, 'I'm hoping she doesn't ask me that because I don't want to answer it.'" She asked why and I said "because you're going to fire me. I didn't want to answer you." She said, "You were honest." Yes, yes I was. Let's hope I don't get fired.

She asked me about my weight and said "So you've decided to stay at 100 lbs?" I said, "I haven't decided anything." She was like "Well you're eating so that you will stay at that weight." Um, actually, according to Bertha, who is accurate, I weigh less than that. (That info I kept to myself).

That was it. Back to Charro's on Tuesday. Yay!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

1 year ago today

One year ago today I called Charro to make an appointment. You can read about it here if you're really bored. I posted 3 times in like an hour about it. You have to scroll down to March 20th because I can't link it. Oh well. I'm sure no one really cares either.

So, last year at at this time I was freaking out about "Scary Charro and her scary voice!!" Ha, boy how things can change in a year.

Gusty winds

I almost blew away walking to the gym this morning. Actually, the wind (40 mph) was at my face so it almost blew me backwards. I started laughing because I was walking forward but not getting anywhere. It was funny.

My run started off pretty yucky. I had originally planned (hoped) to do 8 miles but when I started off, I didn't even think I'd get to 5. I was on a brand new treadmill which was nice. I got to 5 miles and decided to just go to six and then switch to a different machine. That's when I started talking to these two ladies on both sides of me. It was perfect because they talked to through another 3 miles so I ran 9 miles!! Yay!! I was planning on running to Charro's tomorrow but that is so not happening now. I'll be lucky if I can even walk there. Yay, I made gym friends!!!

I think I'm getting the "I ran too much/dehydration" headache, though I've had a lot of water today. And, I'm doing laundry. Blah!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Train ride

I’m writing this from the train, though I won’t be able to post it until I get home.
I just left my sister. It was hard for me to leave her, though I know she and the boys are in good hands. She had surgery this morning, nothing serious, but she can’t move her upper body at all and she has two young boys to take care of. I kept telling her I’d stay and put them to bed but she said that she could do it. Her neighbor is over there now, he drove me to the train station so she was left alone for no more than 10 minutes. His wife is coming over when she gets out of work, and my sister’s husband will be home tonight sometime, provided his flight stays on schedule. I checked it before I left and it was due in 30 minutes earlier than scheduled. Let’s hope it comes in early.

So, I felt bad leaving her and the boys. I felt like I left the house a mess. I made some pasta fagioli for her and made her some soup when she got home because she was hungry. Fed the boys and got them in their PJs, though they can pretty much do that themselves and then I was off. I wanted to stay. I think I like taking care of people. I just want to make sure everyone is okay all the time.
I had to punish my older nephew (he’ll be 6 in May) and it tore me up to hear him crying, but I knew I had to stay strong. I hate seeing him cry like that. I felt like I should have been easier on him since he was sick the pat few days but he wasn’t listening to me and he was being mean to his brother so I had to punish him. It just breaks my heart though.

I’m heading back to my sister’s on Sunday for Easter. I need to get the boys some Easter presents. Oh man, I need to do that for my nieces too. They’ll never get to them on time. I’m a bad aunt!!

K, maybe I’ll try and catch some sleep but seeing that it’s 7:30 PM I probably should stay awake. That will make for a long train ride. Ugh. I’m so cabbing it when I get back to NY. I have way to much stuff with me and it’s raining. The car I’m in is leaking and the conductor keeps telling everyone to move.

I’m turning this off now.

Holy fatness

I feel so completely fat and gross right now!! I didn't get to workout today because I've been babysitting my nephews. I've been eating their crap. I don't plan on having dinner. I have to make up for it somehow. Tomorrow, I will hopefully run for a while...a long while! I need to, but ever since my concussions, I haven't been able to run further than 7 or 8 miles. My goal is to do 8 on the treadmill tomorrow. I need to do it no matter how crappy I feel and how much I'm dying during it. I need to push myself and workout hard!!! I need to get a long, hard workout in.

I don't know what time I'm heading back to NYC tonight. All depends what's going on here. My sis is back home, recovering, (She had some surgery) and I'm in charge. I tried to make some pasta fagioli only to realize that I have no beans to make it with. The garlic is chopped and the oil is in the pan, but I can't go any further. I could take the boys to the store to get some beans. Maybe I can convince them to go, or I can run out when one of her neighbors gets here. Her husband will be home tonight, late, and will be here for a few days before he has to go back overseas for work. Stinks for her!

Yay, my sister's neighbor is going to stop and get me some beans. Going to play with the boys now!!

Then...I must starve myself.

I love my boys

I slept at my sister's last night because I am taking care of my boys. They are so cute. They woke up and came in my bed this morning. Then I made M&M pancakes. Now we're sitting on the couch watching cartoons.

No school for the big guy today because he had the flu and needs to be "flu free" for 24 hours. Poor guy was so sick on Monday. :( We're going to go do a little shopping and maybe dye some Easter eggs. I guess I need to boil them before we do that and they take a while to cool.

Back to my boys!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Chillin on the couch at home

I'm watching "In Treatment" because I'm home and I have the capabilities to. :) Yay!! I'm so tired. Blah, who knows why. I'm bummed that I can't see Charro tonight, my doing, not hers. I have some things I need to do here (at home) which is why I can't be there. She understood though. I do look forward to seeing her on Friday. Lots to tell her about, like date guy and the dream I had last night.

My dream: I dreamt that I was in Charro's office and I had brought this girl Jen, who lived on my street and I grew up with, with me. She came in the office with me and just sat there. I was on the couch and there were two different doors to get into Charro's office. People kept walking through her office to get to other places while we were trying to have our sesssssiiiooonnnn. I started getting really pissed because I couldn't talk with all these people going in out. I started to lose it. I got pissed and buried my head under the pillow. Some guy said something to Charro and she answered him in Spanish. I was like, "You speak Spanish?" Then I was still really pissed so Charro go up to yell at all the people who kept walking in and out and shut the door and told them not to come in.

That was it. I don't know what it means. Maybe she will have some idea.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The breast news

My boob is fine!! :) I made an appointment for a full physical too. Haven't had one of those in well, forever. So, I'm doing that in April, though I just realized that I should probably change the date so I don't have to go back in forth from NY.

I got weighed with everything on, which made me weigh 5 pounds more than I really do weigh. I got home and weighed myself on my Bertha with everything on and weighed the same as I did at the doc and it was only 20 minutes after I was weighed there so now I know that my scale is correct. Which definitely means that my NY scale, aka B-2 is overweight!! Yes!!! I knew it all along!!! YES!! I'm really excited about that!!!

So, that's all I think. My doc was like "when was your last breast exam?" I laughed and she said "that long ago, huh?" Then she asked when my last pap was and I looked at her and she said "Same as your last breast exam?" I said, "Yes." Then she was like, "No really, any idea when it was?" I was like, "Like 5 years ago." She was like, "Do you have a gyno?" I said, "Yes, I just don't remember her name!" Ha. It's the truth. So, I'll get that stuff done when I go see her in April. It will be a big one shot deal. She promised to be gentle too, since I told her how incredibly painful my last experience was with that. Ugh, it was HORRIBLE and I can take pain!

K, gotta watch dancing! YAY, Bertha is correct!! I knew it!

Gettin' some

Going to get my boob touched tonight. Yes!! Can't wait for that. :) (Yes, I am being sarcastic). Also get to get weighed with all my clothes on too. I'd like to get weighed with nothing on so at least I can know what I really weigh!! Boob pain is gone, by the way. We shall see what happens. Maybe I'll tell my doc I've been diagnosed with an ED. HA! NEVER!!!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The sort of date

So the guy was supposed to meet us at karaoke after he had a business dinner. He called as I got to my friends and said he was done and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for a drink. I said we were going to dinner but he was welcome to join us. I didn't really want him there but it turned out being fine. So, he met us for dinner.

My friend and I split a meal. I ate too much and felt fat and gross. What a lovely feeling that is, especially when you're out on a date. We finished and went to karaoke. He was on his blackberry most of the time, which was pretty annoying, but I also understand that he has a big project which he's launching tomorrow. It was still annoying though. He's also a smoker. Big strike against him. He said "You're not going to like me because I smoke." Um, pretty much right on that. At one point he said, "I don't know how you're going to take this, but when I met you yesterday I thought you were a cool girl. Now I think that you're completely awesome." I was like, "I thought you were going to say now you think I'm not cool at all, the way you set that up." He said, "I wish my friend was here to witness this b/c he'd never believe it. I'm married to my work and he's never seen me like this before." Okay, that was kind of weird.

Bottom line is, he seems to be a nice guy but it will never go anywhere romantically because he smokes. We also have different religious beliefs, so that wouldn't work out so well either. Not that I'm the most religious person in the world, but still. I would, however, go out with him again if he asks, which I'm pretty sure he will. I enjoy him, so far, but I'm definitely not attracted to him in a sexual way. I can see him as someone who I can hang out with and explore the city with. Which, to me, is fine. He's gotta know that my lips would never go near his smoke stack mouth.

I...

love when I gain two pounds at dinner. Good thing I will be working out a lot today!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Blah!!

Why do I look like an ugly little boy???????!!!!!!!!

Charro and other fun stuff

My sesssiiooonnn with Charro was good yesterday. I don't know what's happened to me, but I really like going. I told her that I felt much better after talking to her the other day and that I appreciate her help. I think that made her happy. I said, "It's always nice to hear that from someone" and she agreed. So, hopefully that made her happy. She was like, "So you DO like talking!!" I also told her that I was felt bad that I couldn't come this coming Tuesday. She asked why and I explained. I'm sad that I can't go for myself, but I felt worse because she had just given me Tuesdays and now I can't go this Tuesday. I told her that I felt like I was messing her up and felt bad because she was going to have to sit around, unless she could go home early. She said that she was going to move the person after me up, which made me feel better. She felt honored (strong word but I can't think of another one) that I was thinking about HER, but that she's afraid that I think/worry about others more than I should and not enough about myself. I just didn't want to put her out.

We talked about Easter and how I will go to my sister's house because my rents won't be home. My sis is having surgery so she won't really be able to cook, but when she and I talked she said that she was going to have like "real Easter food." She went on to say, "Not that you will eat any of it." So, I told Charro that and she asked how that made me feel. I said that I didn't care because I'm so used to her comments like that. She says that all the time. Charro was like "And you don't think she knows you have an ED?" I was like, "No." Charro was like, "It's just like her saying you have an eating disorder. How would you react if she said that?" I looked at her and said. "Just like I did when you said it" (because I had made a face.) I think Charro thinks that my sis knows I have a problem. I guess it makes sense. I don't know why I'm so inclined to think that she doesn't have a clue.

I told Charro that my eating hasn't been that great the past few days. There really isn't any emotional reason behind it either. I haven't been all that hungry. My biggest problem, which I told her, is that I have no idea what to cook for myself. She really wants me to start cooking things that I won't have to eat for 5 days straight and start having real meals. I'm well aware that my eating has sucked lately. Thursday I really only had one "real" meal, that being breakfast. Yesterday I had egg whites for lunch and that spinach sushi roll for dinner and like 2 low fat cookies I had made. I know that it doesn't cut it.

I don't know why I'm not eating. I'm eating, I'm just not eating, if that makes any sense. It's not like I am trying to lose weight. I don't know what it is. Even today, it's 2:23 and I haven't had lunch yet. I went for a run in the park and burned over 600 calories and should eat a real meal but I don't know what to have and I'm not that hungry. I did have a couple of the lowfat cookies I made. Obviously, I wouldn't mind if I lost a couple of pounds but I'm not actively trying to. So, I don't really know what's going on.


Real meals do scare me. I'm going to dinner tonight and I'm sure I'll freak out about that a little. I just try to tell myself that it's fine and that I'll be okay. Charro said something yesterday and I said, "I should record that and play it over and over again." She said, "You just need to keep saying it to yourself." Too bad I can't remember what the hell it was she said now. Ha! So much for that.

I have to go to the doc Monday night for my boob. I'll get weighed there, which will be fun, especially at the end of the day. I know they don't care about my weight, but I do.

Wow, this is a really long post so I will end it now. I called that guy from yesterday so he might meet us out tonight. We shall see...

Friday, March 14, 2008

Bizarro day!

What a weird freaking day. Started off with me running into a friend I played field hockey with in college. She was at the gym, which isn't so weird because I ran into her there one other time. When I left the gym, I ran into this woman I met playing field hockey here once. Then, as I was walking to Charro's, I was looking at this man thing he looks like this guy from my gym at home...nah. So I said, "Hey ---(my town) guy, right?" He stopped and said, "I thought that looked like you, even with your sunglasses on . So weird. So we chatted until he got a call, which he had to take, which was good because I had another 4+ miles to walk to get to Charro.

I had my appointment with Charro, which I had a ton to write about and now I can't think of it so I will come back to that at a later point. I left and got on the subway. The guy next to me sneezed into his hand and then grabbed the pole and I was like Ewwww. The guy behind him saw a bougy shoot out onto the woman next to the sneezer. So, he thought I saw that and I thought he saw what I saw, so he made a comment and we got talking. Next thing I know, we're walking down the street together because he is moving over to my side of town and he wanted to just walk around and check it out. Then he was like "are you hungry?" I said no and then he asked if I wanted to grab a drink and I told him that I don't drink. We kept walking and talking and then he said, "Wanna go into this sushi place? I haven't eaten all day. So I said sure and the next thing ya know, we're in bed together. Okay, NO, I'm just kidding on that part. The next thing you know, we're sitting there eating dinner. Well, according to him, my one spinach roll was not dinner and I needed to go home and eat more. How friggen weird!!!!???

So, I go out to dinner with this guy I just met and ate when I wasn't even hungry? What's happening to me?? Such a freaking weird day!!

He asked if I wanted to meet up with him later. Nah, but I think I'll see if he wants to go out with me and the girls tomorrow night. I think he might have bad teeth.

So, I came home and made low fat chocolate chip cookies. I put baking powder in them instead of baking soda. What a moron!! A few minutes ago I dislocated my thumb. It made the loudest friggen noise and hurt like hell. It popped back in so I think it's okay.

That, my friends, if my weird day!!

I'll write about Charro later, when I have time to remember what happened.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dinner?? I don't know what to make

Don't try to lay out when it's 42 degrees out but "feels like 37." It's a little too cold to have your bikini on in that.

Okay, I really don't know what to do about dinner tonight. I need to make something. I did not have a real dinner last night. I didn't have lunch today. I don't have any clue what I might possibly want for dinner but I know it will hit me all of a sudden that I'm hungry and I'll be like, "I need to eat now!" I have egg whites, yogurt, veggies and pasta here. I don't want pasta. I need to figure this out though.

If was still doing my FFJ, Charro would not be happy with my food choices, or lack there of. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, though there is part of me that doesn't want to eat. I guess we'll have to talk more about this tomorrow. It's just so much easier when I have someone cooking for me and stuff, not that I always want that because that means I have to eat, but at least it's sort of out of my hands.

I actually haven't been that hungry today anyway. I started off the morning with my head in the toilet because I thought I was going to puke. Gotta love cramps!!! I didn't even work out today, which I'm feeling bad about and should go to the gym. Also another reason why I don't really feel like I need to eat. We shall see.

I've been giving this dinner party thing a lot of thought. I could do it and not eat everything. I could have a bite of appetizers and a bite of dessert. Why do I need to force myself to be uncomfortable?? I shouldn't do that. I'm not gonna eat if I'm full.

My neighbor emailed me earlier and asked me if I wanted to meet her for lunch. I emailed her back and told her I had already eaten. That's something I usually don't do, but I wasn't hungry. Charro would say, "That's ED talking." I hate when she personifies it. She knows I hate that too.


I'm so just talking out of my ass right now so I will shut up.

Email from dad

hi ! I didn't get a chance to tell you how good it was to see you and have you spend some time with us. I hope you enjoyed your stay with us. You looked great! We will have to plan a day in the city when we return and the weather gets warmer. Have a good weekend . love you !!

I love my dad!!
I wonder what "You looked great" means...

(I am not taking as "you look like you've gained weight," I don't think. Hmm. Maybe more like, you look happy and healthy. I DON'T KNOW!)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Surfing

New bowls

I got some cute new cereal bowls today. LOVE THEM!!


Last night's sesssiiioooonnn

Okay, aren't I supposed to be sleeping later with the "spring ahead?" I don't know why I'm waking up so early but I'm still tired.

Charro was fine last night. She was kind of funny, so that was good. I stood outside buzzing the buzzer for a few minutes and there was no answer. It was finally 7:10 and I was still out there when I was supposed to be in her office. I buzzed again and finally she answered. I walked in the door and she came right out to get me and apologized. Apparently her phone was off the hook. I said, "Oh, I thought you might have been in the bathroom." Ha!

She said I was really tan, which I loved, of course. Then we just talked about nothing special. She wants me to have a dinner party. I told her that I had no friends. She said, "Yes you do. You talk about them." Busted. ;) Then she said, "Actually, I think you should invite a guy over for dinner." I said, "I don't know any guys." (Not a lie. I don't know any guys here). She then said, "What's going on there? We haven't talked about relationships, sex lately. Have you checked out?" HA!!! Um, we've NEVER talked about sex, nor will we ever discuss sex. I don't talk about that with my friends, ya think I'm going to talk about that with her? No! I responded with, "Do I get 'checked out' by guys? I got beeped at the other day while I was rollerblading." HA HA!! I totally knew what she meant when she said "Checked out" but I played dumb and it worked. One point for me!!

We talked about what it would "be like" if she came over for a dinner party. Um, I was like "I'd be a nervous wreck." I don't know why she doesn't understand why eating with her would be so completely awful. Maybe she does and she just wants me to talk about it, but I don't really know how to explain it, I just know it would be awful. I did learn that her favorite ice cream is coffee heath bar crunch. I said something about bringing fat free frozen yogurt in for both of us one time and she said, "I'd want you to have a real dessert. How about coffee heath bar crunch? That's my favorite right now." That would cause b-sat, Charro!! (I did not say that). I don't understand how she can eat it and be skinny. It's just not fair!!! I would gain 200 lbs if I ate "real" food.

So, that was my sessssiiioooonnnn. I feel bad. I got Tuesdays and I can't go next Tuesday. I have to go home and help my sister with the kids because she's having some surgery. Sleepover with the boys! Yay!! They're excited.

I guess I should get my ass ready to go to the gym. I burned the bottom of my feet (my paw pads) so they've been bothering me. They don't feel so great in sneakers
.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Still don't feel like going

I still don't feel like going to Charro tonight and I have to leave in an hour. I am too tired to talk. I just need to sleep!!

L., in my office, called my doc for me today to make an appointment because my boob still hurts. Well, I think they both hurt now, so that would be pms related. I didn't want to say "breast" so I made her call. I'm such a loser.

I guess I should make some dinner.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Can I sleep now?

I'm back in my home town. I have a class that I have to take tonight. I went to the office only to find out that I got a raise. Yay!! I don't know how much, but a raise of any kind is good. Yay!

I'm soooo tired. Ugh. I am going to fall asleep in this meeting. I forgot my cell phone charger so I can't really mess around with email on my phone during class. I only have half a battery left. Oh well.

Okay, so I got Tuesdays but I don't feel like going to see Charro tomorrow. What's up with that??
Oh dear, gotta run.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

A day with Dad

video

My dad and I went to the wildlife sanctuary. I liked the bobcats. I don't, however, like my voice. I DO, however, LOVE my Dad!!

Back to bitterness

After a long evening last night, I'm back in NYC. My flight was delayed a few times, which was nice because I was able to fry myself more in the sun. Yay!! After many minutes/hours wasted on the phone with the airline, trying to change my flight to today (They let you do that for free if the flight gets messed up because of weather), I was unsuccessful and headed the airport. In the process of trying to change my flight, they cancelled my reservation so when I got to the airport I didn't have a seat. Ugh! I got the last seat on plane, 20 rows back in the middle, of course. I did have a window seat five rows back. Instead, I ended up where I did next to a woman who was preaching about The Bible to me. Um, time for a nap lady!!!

The winds were crazy here so the decent and landing were interesting. We made it though. I finally got back to my apartment around 12:30 AM. On my way up to my place, I get a call from my friend G. It was funny, she calls and says "NO Bertha!!" ( I had told her that Charro didn't want me to weigh myself when I got home and that I could weigh myself on Tuesday morning before our sessssiooon. I told G. that Bertha was at home so that wouldn't be an issue. ;) She said, "No Big B or B-2 or whatever it is!!" Ha!!

I went to bed around 2 AM and woke up at 8 AM (new time). I went to the gym for a while...well needed and now I am SO tired. I'm going to take a nap. By the way, I gained almost a pound but I'm not worried about it. I know it will come off and I'll be ok. I guess that's something.

Nap time!!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Stuck?!

I might be stuck, but stuck in Florida so I can't complain about that. My flight has been delayed twice already because weather back home is not good!! So, now I'm on hold trying to rebook a flight so I can go home tomorrow. It says on the website that I can do that free of charge but then it's not allowing me to do it, so my estimated wait time on the phone is "less than 18 minutes." Ha! Plenty of time to do nothing.

Let me tell ya, one more day at the beach would be nice. I hope I can rebook until tomorrow evening. I can walk the beach and get some more sun, not like I really need it though. We shall see. I will keep ya posted. :)

Friday, March 07, 2008

A good PS

Hey guys, I don't really think I feel like writing all that much, but who knows. I haven't heard anything about Jen. Haven't talked to her either.

My PS with Charro was good. I saw by the water and talked...and talked. It felt really good to talk to her, especially since I haven't talked to anyone about anything all week. Given the events of last night, I really needed to talk to her today. The good news is that I got Tuesdays!! She agrees with me that I am opening up more by coming twice a week. See, I know myself pretty well. She didn't want to believe me.

What else? I got fucking fried again at some point today. I don't know what happened. Maybe I fell asleep or something. Whatever. One more day here and I'll be very sad to leave. My bro flies in tonight.

That's all...

I need more time

I wish I was seeing Charro in person today. PS's just aren't the same, and I don't know how we're going to hear each other because I'll be outside and it's so windy out. Ugh!! I need about 4 hours of her time right now. I actually had a dream that I was having a PS with her and talking about everything that I need to talk about. I remember talking about Jen. I was at home and also trying to get away from my family so I could talk to her. Fifty minutes is not going to be enough time today. I almost feel like it's a waste to try and get into things. Ugh.

I'm so fucking hating Jen's Adam too. I can't even think about him because I get so enraged. I don't even know the guy and I get SO pissed at him. I hate him!

I'm tired. I'm hungry. I need to eat my fiber one.

I hope no one leaves Jen alone for a while and they get her back into therapy at least 3 times a week. Ugh, I can't even get into all of that right now. There's just way too much on my mind. Can I just scream?? I guess that wouldn't be a good idea, my parents are still sleeping.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Jen (I hate having to post this stuff)

I just found out the Jen OD'd tonight. I guess she will be okay and may even be released tomorrow. I know she'll be pissed at me for posting this but I don't care.

She said last time was an accident, but this time, I don't think it was. I won't know for sure until I talk to her, which thankfully I will get to do again!! Jen, I know you're going to hate me but that's how I really feel.

Some pics





Lumps

Um, I definitely feel some sort of lump in my pido. WTF???

Ahhhh :)

I love it here. The weather today has been beautiful. I started my day with a run on the beach. It wasn't long enough but it was better than nothing. I was planning on going rollerblading this afternoon but I don't know if the weather is going to cooperate.

I have water in my ear. I hate that. I swam in the ocean a bit. The water was Caribbean blue/green and crystal clear. So beautiful. I kept loading on the SPF 30 so I wouldn't burn more so tomorrow and Saturday I can go all out before I leave.

I think I'm going to head to the pool for a bit now, though the clouds are rolling in, which is why I am afraid to go rollerblading because I might get stuck somewhere a t-storm. That would not be good.

***Scratch any plans of going to the pool or going roller blading. The winds are picking up and we have a severe t-storm warning. I guess I'll stay in. I must workout more though. Ugh!! I still have another meal to eat. Although, I guess my lunch wasn't really lunch. We'll for me it was but Charro would disagree.

I better go. I'm wasting precious sun time.

I'm getting blond too. Woo hoo. I'm getting blond, tan, fat and out of shape. Two are good and two suck my ass.

(I thought blond was spelled with an E but spell check says otherwise.)

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Sometimes we get fried

I got a little bit fried this morning. I think it was during my walk on the beach and rollerblade home. I went to the beach and layed out for a couple hours but I don't think it's from that because I have a strap mark from my bathing suit and I take my straps off when I lay out. Oh well. It should turn to tan by tomorrow...I hope. I can't get burned. I can't peel. NO!!!!

I have to go out to dinner again. Ugh. Can I order steamed veggies?? Either that or a salad.

Guess I better go. I'll write later, if I feel like it.

Left boob pain

My left boob hurts and I don't know why. It's throbbing in one area. I can't tell if I have a bump there or not. So now I'm freaked out that I have breast cancer or something. Why does it hurt? It's not the PMS hurt either, and it's just this one part of it. It hurts to touch too. What the fudge? Maybe I hit it?? Ugh, now I'm going to be paranoid that I have cancer or something.

It's thundering out right now. That needs to stop and it needs to get sunny!!!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Day 3

It's starting...the fatness and feeling gross and wanting to workout forever but not wanting to workout for ever at the same time. I just don't want to eat dinner right now. I'm getting fatter by the second. I can see it and I can feel it. I just have no scale to prove it. I did go back to Publix and weigh myself right in front of my father though. It's 3 lbs more than it should be so I'm hoping that it's wrong. It better be wrong or I will NOT be a happy camper come Saturday when I get home and weigh myself. Ugh. Hate this!!!

Just as expected, I will be in a full-fledged grossness (silent) freakout come Charro time on Friday. I wish I could make myself throw up. That would be nice. I know that's not the answer but it might help.

Oh, I was helping my mom make dinner and she brought up Charro. She was like "How are things with your lady?" It was HORRIBLE. I told her I didn't want to talk about it but that didn't stop her. She just doesn't get it. It pissed me off. She knows that I don't want to talk about it with her. Why does she keep pushing it?? Shut the F up, mom!!! Grr... I don't even want dinner anymore!

The zoo

The clouds are out if full blast so my dad and I are going to go to the habitat zoo to see the rescued animals. :) I better take a shower since my day at the beach was anything but. I was being pelted by sand and I'm sure it's in my nose and several other areas of my body that weren't covered by my bathing suit. The wind is brutal. I'm 0-2 on my beach experiences so far.

Oh, I walked the beach this morning and then I ran home, about 5 miles. Um, bad idea. I was SOO thirsty. I turned it into a sort of walk run at one point.

I can see myself getting fatter. I'm sure my parents are happy about that. I hate it. I HATE IT!!!

Going to shower now.

Monday, March 03, 2008

First full day here

Clouds...Yep. That does NOT make The Palm happy.

Woke up and went to the beach with my rents. They walked on the sidewalk with my uncle and I ran on the sand. I only ran for 25 minutes because my body was hurting me. The sand was really uneven and so my legs and hips were not feeling great. I have hip issues already so I didn't want to make them worse. Tomorrow I'll run with shoes on the pavement.

After my run I rollerbladed back home, about 5 miles. Then I went back to the beach to lay out, however it was way too windy and too cloudy. I looked towards my parents place and it looked sunny there so I called up my dad and asked him to come get me. I was at the beach for a whopping half hour. I then headed to the pool where the sun sort of came out.

My rents and I went out to lunch and then we went back to the pool. Then I walked to my favorite grocery store with my father (another 3 miles total). My mom actually came and picked him up because he didn't want to walk back because he had done enough for the day.

After I asked my dad if he wanted to walk to the store with me I thought oops, now he's going to want to talk to me about stuff. Well, that happened of course. He said "Are you still going to see that therapist?" Ugh. "When do you see her?" I said, "I go every week." Then the "is it helping? Do you feel better about yourself? questions started coming up. We then talked about my insurance and he helped explain it to me. So, the conversation wasn't too bad. It's done with and now I don't have to fear it anymore.

Then, we went out to dinner with a bunch of people and now I'm here. Oh yeah, I weighed myself at the grocery store and it was way too high. I didn't get upset though because I don't trust that scale. Plus, my dad stepped on it and said "I weigh 4 lbs more than yesterday." (I waited until he left and then weighed myself). So, I feel like I have gained weight and I'm trying not to let it freak me out just yet. I'll wait a few more days for that. I told Charro that I'd be freaking out by Friday definitely, which is when I talk to her.

So, that's it. Tomorrow maybe I'll run back from the beach. I can walk with my rents and then run back so I get a longer run in.

I'd REALLY like to weigh myself right now, by the way.


Sunday, March 02, 2008

Here

I arrived in Florida a half hour early. I was psyched. That meant I could get into the sun earlier. Who ever heard of a plane landing 30 minutes early!! Sweet!!

I woke up at 4:15 and couldn't get back to sleep. I would have had to wake up at 5:20 AM. My rents picked me up at the airport and then we met up with my good friend (who happened to be down here this weekend) and her mom for brunch. Funny, I travelled 1300 miles to have lunch with my friend who lives 5 blocks away. Ha!

Then we came back here to lay out. I felt (looked) fat. Love that. Now I feel even fatter because I ate way too much today.

My parents went out to dinner with some friends. I didn't have to go which was nice. I was really craving a big salad though, which I didn't get. Maybe tomorrow. I went out and rollerbladed to the beach and as I was coming over the causeway I saw the sun setting. I rollerbladed to the beach. It smelled so good. I love that beach smell. I'll be there first thing in the morning. Woo hoo. I'll either run or rollerblade there and meet my parents there to walk the beach. Then I'll come back, change, and go back for the day to get TAN!!! I was looking for an S-bucks so I can get my light fraps for lunch everyday. Healthy, I know. According to Charro that is "not a good idea for lunch???" (Not sure why the question marks).

So now I'm sitting here in my shorts and a sports bra for some reason, something I NEVER do. I can see all my fatness and it's grossing me out. EW!!

I really can't wait for my PS with Charro on Friday. I hope the wind dies down here or I'll have to sit in the car and talk to her. I just don't know how I'm going to pull this PS off without telling my rents about. I really don't want to tell them. Maybe they'll go shopping or something at 10 AM on Friday. Ugh!

Ok, maybe I should take a shower.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Going South

I wanted to blog before I leave for my vaca. I'll head out of here at 6 tomorrow morning. Got two new bikinis, not like I needed them, but I got them really cheap so I figured it was okay. I can't wait to get tan. The whole eating with my parents, not having a scale until I get home next Saturday, and not working out in a gym should be interesting. Can you say anxiety much?? I'm already looking forward to my PS with Charro on Friday. I just have to figure out how I'm going to get away from the rents to do it without telling them about it. Not like they don't know I'm seeing her but I feel like if I tell them I'm talking to her while I'm away that they'll think I'm really messed up because I can't go a week without T. Ugh. I have 5 days to come up with a good reason to be a lone and to find a good place to chat with her in private. The beach!?!?

So, I'm off to bed. I'll probably whip out my puter and blog on the plane. Of course I won't be able to post until I'm on the ground. First plan of attack...Get Tan!!!!

I'm not sure how much reading of the blogs I'll be doing while I'm away so I hope ya'll have a good week if I don't get to read what's going on in your lives. I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot, if I can. I'm not sure about the computer set up. I don't know if it's wireless but I hope it is so I can go in my room and do it.

Have a great week folks!
xoxo

Love

Last night I watched my nephews. They were SO cute and so excited to be at my apartment. The 6 year old slept in my bed and the 4 year old slept on the pull-out couch with his parents.

So, the younger one was a bit obsessed with my scale. It was pretty weird and he did NOT get that from me. I never weighed myself in front of him, and as far as I know, my sister doesn't have a scale. Well, I know there's not one in her bathroom. Anyway, he weighed himself and wanted me to read the numbers to him. Then he kept going to weigh himself. At one point he weighed himself and said "I have to go potty." Then did and said, "Let's see if I weigh less now." I was like "WHAT?!!" Um clearly an almost 4 year old doesn't come up with that one on his own. I was shocked!!

I woke up in the middle of the night with my nephews legs on my back. (Not the most comfortable thing for me). Next time I woke up his feet were on my pillow and his legs were in my face. Next time I woke up he was shivering so I put some blankets on him and he said, "I need to sleep on you." So he curled up right next to me and put his face on my face and went to sleep. It was THE CUTEST thing. Later I woke to find that I was sleeping on my back and his head was on my chest. So cute again. He was so snugly and love. I just love that.

I've never felt so much love for anyone before. I would literally do anything for these kids. I love them so much!!

On another note, I tried to post me singing the Charro song but it was too big of a file and wouldn't upload. Bummer man.

I must pack for Florida.