Friday, February 29, 2008

Charro...and the song

Charro LOVED the song. She cracked up the entire time, and liked the background music I had. She said it was filled with emotion. I was like "It was?" She said, "Yes. Tears." Okay.

I also might get Tuesdays. She said, "You seem to be opening up more. The past two weeks you've come twice and I think it's helping you feel more comfortable. Do you agree?" UM, HELLO!!!! Isn't that what I've been trying to tell her??? She said we'll talk about it when I get back.

Overall, the session was kind of crappy. She said that she's aware that I don't want to change and that there's only so much that she can do for me before she either refers me elsewhere or she stops working with me. (Insert the sad face she made). I said, "What do you mean, refer me elsewhere?" She said, "Something more intense. It would be pointless right now though because you don't want to change. If you don't start eating more then we're going to end up there." (at either of those options). Blah!! I said, "You're going to fire me again!!" She said no. She said it wouldn't be worth it to continue working with her if I didn't want to change. I have a feeling that there's going to be some sort of ultimatum when I get back. Maybe not really and "ultimatum" but something. That's a bit scary. Ugh.

No more Charro until my Friday PS (phone session) from FL. Should be interesting.

A new song

Okay, this not having to FFJ is leaving a lot of free time on my hands. So, what do I do with it? Well, write crazy songs of course!! This one, in the style of Barry Manilow's Copacabana. Enjoy!
(Perhaps I will make a video of me singing it and post it on here)

They call her Charro
She is a therapist.
She likes to twirl her hair
and sit in that power chair.
She says "tell me about that" in her sexy voice
and if I weigh myself once more, she'll have wrestle me to the floor
She writes "geez in a box" while I watch the clocks
I've been fired twice before
will it happen once more?

In Cha-Charro, Cha-Charro's office.
Where I can sit on the couch and get nauseous.
In Cha-Charro, Cha-Charro's office.
Emotion and talking are all that she's wanting
At Cha-Charro' therapy.

Her name is Palmtree, she was anti-therapy
She was dragged over there and it was quite a scare.
And now she likes it, who would have thunk it?
She wants to go some more but Charro won't open the door
And so the tears stream down, and then she starts to frown.
The FFJ got the boot cause all she wrote about was food.

In Cha-Charro, Cha-Charro's office.
Where I can sit on the couch and get nauseous.
In Cha-Charro, Cha-Charro's office.
Emotion and talking are all that she's wanting
At Cha-Charro' therapy.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

This might be long

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I have Charro at 3 and then my sister and her family are coming to spend the night. I'm going to babysit my nephews while my sis and her hubby go to a concert. I can't wait to hang out with my boys!! It's going to be a blast. We're going to order pizza and make cookies. I'll probably make the cookies before they get here though. They're so cute. (the boys, not the cookies).

On Sunday I leave for Florida. I can't wait to go but is it wrong that I'm not all that excited to see my parents? My mom keeps telling me how she can't wait for me to get there and she can't wait to see me. It's been over a month since I've seen them. I haven't lost any weight so I'm not worried that they'll look at me and think that I have. I'm definitely concerned about having to eat dinner with them every night. Like, real meals. Haven't done that in a while. I just really fear the comments or the questions and discussions that might come up. The "How's therapy going?" question. Ugh, I just want to avoid any alone time with them but that is clearly going to be impossible.

It will also be weird living with them after having lived on my own for three months. Weird! I'm sure it will be great to be with them but I wish I didn't have the fears of them bringing up my eating and stuff.

On the other side of things, I will be freaking out because I won't have my scale. I won't be working out at a gym. I'll be eating pretty normal. Ugh. I will be rollerblading and skim boarding, walking the beach and running. Of course I'll do my push-ups and will have my jump rope and resistant band with me. (ooh, gotta pack that. Where is it??)

So, that's it for now.


"Put some rocks in your pocket so you don't blow away!"

That's what one of my clients just said to me when I called to check in on him. We were discussing the bitter cold weather. I thought it was pretty darn funny!

Questions with no answers

Everyday I ask myself WHY I am "doing this" to myself. I come up with nothing!! I ask myself Why is it so important for me to be skinny? Again, I come up with nothing. Those are the same questions Charro asks me all the time too. I feel bad because I have no answers for her. I don't even have a clue as to what the possible answer could be. None! It's frustrating!! All I know is that I want to be skinny. I want my bones to stick out. I just don't have any idea why!!

Everyone says there has to be a reason why I continue the behaviors. How is it benefiting me?? I DON'T KNOW!! I wish I knew but I don't. Not a clue. No idea!! I just know that I want to come back from vacation having lost weight. I don't think that will happen, but I would love to come back 2-3 pounds lighter. Why? I don't know. I guess I feel like I'm not "thin enough" to be in therapy. I feel like I don't really have a problem. Charro and I were talking the other night and I said, "Am I worse than I think I am?" Her answer, a definitive "Yes!" I wanted to ask her more about that but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. I just don't know what the deal is.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Food, who needs it?

Why is this my third post of the day????

Ugh, I'm glad I'm going back to the gym because I'm gross. I have fat rolls hanging over my shorts and it's grossing me out. I hate food!

Why does food scare me so much? I went to the grocery store today and while I love the grocery store, it's also a little stressful sometimes. I bought stuff to make a real dinner. I made it and ate it and have leftovers. I was trying to not have leftovers but apparently I made too much, or ate too little. I'm not sure but I'm leaning towards the making too much because I definitely ate too much too. It was a healthy meal, whole wheat linguine, but still. Ugh!! I do not like food. Why do I need to eat it anyway? Really, no more food. I'm going to have to eat all next week so I don't need to eat this week.

Is tomorrow Thursday already?? Yay!


I'm ambivalent about not having to FFJ anymore. It's so weird. I was walking home from the gym and I was like I don't have to write down how long I worked out for. I don't have to write down what I've eating. Yes, I know I said that last night but it's still so weird to me. I think it's weird to break this 10 month habit of having to write down everything. How the hell am I supposed to break a 15, almost 16 year habit of ED behaviors and thoughts?? I think it's going to be virtually impossible.

I started thinking (I tend to do that sometimes) that maybe I'd keep writing everything down for my own benefit. Then I thought, would that be me just being obsessive? I think it might. I don't think it would be beneficial for me in a "healthy" way, though I sort of feel like I need to do it.

Charro was funny last night. She asked me a question before I left and said "think about it." So, I put on my shoes and got ready to go. Then she said, "You have to answer that. Now I'm being bossy." It was funny. I was like "You want to answer it now?" She said "No, I just didn't want to have the last word." Then she started talking about this apple pizza thing I made with fat free cream cheese. She was like "That sounds so disgusting. Don't mess with pizza, I'm Italian." I was like "It's like a cheesecake." She didn't buy it. I said, "Don't make me make it for you. You know I'd love to bake for you!" :)

At one point I mentioned how I wanted to chop my legs off (not from my hips). I specified that for her too. So later on she said, "I was at a coffee shop and at the counter they had a tip jar with a picture of Mary Kate on it. It said 'please help feed Mary Kate.' I thought it was really funny. I saw her little stick legs and I don't know why anyone would want that." I said, "That is really funny. I want legs like that without the big sunglasses."

I love Charro. She's funny. She's good too, from what I know, but what exactly do I know about therapy?? I feel comfortable with her which I guess is key.

That's all for now.

The "proposal"

I really liked my "sessiiiioooonnn" with Charro last night. Maybe it was the time, I don't know? It was just different, like more relaxed or something, more so on part. (Not that she's not always relaxed). Like, when it was over she was still chatty, like she actually likes me. It was nice.

So, I got there and I said, "I wrote a little ditty." She said, "Oh good, you may a list." I said, "No, I wrote a song." It took me a couple minutes of shyness before I could actually sing it, but I did. I kind of did the really fast sing/talk version of it. She did find it funny though!!

Then came the "proposal." Charro said, "I have a proposal." I said, "I do too but you go first." She said, "No what's yours?" I said, "I'm not telling you mine in case it's different from yours. I don't want to put any ideas in your head." So she said, "How about if you stop FFJing?" WHAT!!!?? I don't have to FFJ anymore?!?! That's crazy! I'm still shocked about this. She asked me how I felt about this and I said "ambivalent." Of course the "can you tell me both sides of that?" came up. I said, "It's good because I won't have to write everything down all the time and I won't have to think about it and try to remember everything if I'm out or with someone all day and don't get a chance to write until night time. On the other hand, it will be weird not to write everything down. I've been doing it for 10 months."

So, I still can't believe I can eat my breakfast this morning and not have to write it down. How is she going to know how I'm doing though? She won't know what or how I'm eating or how long I'm working out for. She thinks it might help me to eat more if I don't write it all down. She's probably right because sometimes I look at what I've eaten and it freaks me out, like I've eaten too much when I guess I really haven't. She's also hoping that it gets me to talk more "live" as opposed to writing and talking to her through my FFJ.

So, that was it. I thought there would be more to the proposal. Like, how about you stop FFJing and come twice a week?? Nope, none of that. I'll have to ask her on Friday. My proposal, which I would never actually suggest, is to go see her on Tuesday nights and bring my dinner with me to eat there. Um, that would so NEVER happen but I think that's the only way I could get her to do it. I couldn't eat in front of her though. I'd die.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A song for Charro

(In the style of the Rolling Stones)

I can't get no Tuesday session.
It may lead to deep depression,
and I'll cry, and I'll cry, and I'll cry, and I'll cry.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When I want to talk some more
and I can't get through that door
and she tells me if I get on the scale
she'll have to wrestle me to the floor

I can't get no.
no no no
Can't get Tuesdays.
Now here's the question, do I sing it to her and embarrass the hell out of myself, or just write it in my FFJ?? The singing would definitely make it better but I don't know if I can do it.

Monday, February 25, 2008


It's 9:56 PM and I want PIZZA!!! Okay, not happening. I've eaten way too much crap today and my jeans are too tight and I need to lose weight! Just a couple of pounds. Ugh! I need to go on a veggie and protein diet for the next few days before I go to Florida. Oh wait, that's pretty much what I live on anyway. No more crap food. Chex Mix doesn't qualify as a "healthy dinner," does it??

I have Charro tomorrow night. I just really love saying "Charro tomorrow." I can't walk there because it's going to be pouring rain. Gotta love NYC in the rain and wind. Fun stuff.

I hate being fat and gross. I want to chop off half of my legs. They are huge and I hate them. Can I get skinny in 4 days? Well, I'm actually not sure if that would be a good idea because I will be seeing my parents and I want to avoid any and all ED talk with them. Ugh. That's gonna suck. What if they say something to me? I have to eat with them every night. That sucks. Though, it will sort of be nice to not have to worry about what I'm going to make for dinner. I'll just have to worry about having to actually eat real meals. Blah!!

PS. So I take the cheese off my pizza. Charro said "Next time you have pizza you need to have it with the cheese." Um, that has NOT happened, nor will it.

Ahh, chillin'

I have 2 hours before I get on the train to head back to NYC. I like just chillin' in my house. The sun is shining her here so brightly. I just banged away at my drums, which felt sooo good. I love playing my drums. I packed up some stuff to bring back with me, including some stuff for Florida. I may just go lay on the floor in the sun for a bit now...just because I can.

Oh ya, I did actually work today too. Let's not forget about that.

I think I'll go chill.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Heading home

I'm waiting for my bro to pick me up so I can go home and see my nieces. Yay! I'm so tired though. I went to bed late and woke up early. I haven't worked out and I probably won't get to, which sucks a big butt. I guess I'll survive...maybe!

I hate leaving my cats. I feel so bad for them when I leave.

Ugh, I'm so tired. I really just want to go to bed.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Still a "no-go"

Saw Charro today. I took my boots off because they were all yucky from the mess of the snow and rain. I liked having my shoes off. I felt much more comfortable. You think I can do that every week??

I'm exhausted. I think I'm always exhausted after I see Charro, even if it's not an exhausting "session."

So, me going twice a week is still a "no-go." I did, however, score next Tuesday and the Tuesday after I get back from Florida, but "no more after that." I said, "You know I'm not going to be satisfied until I get Tuesdays!!!" Her response, "We'll continue to talk about that." Of course we will.

Nothing really else to report. Oh, I think all my concussions completely messed up my brain because I actually like going to T. ( I can't say the word, but I like going there...most of the time). Somebody bop me in the head, quick. Clearly there's something wrong.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A nice surprise

I got a call from my bro today asking if I wanted to meet up with him for dinner. Yay!! He lives far away and was up this way tonight, passing through and switching trains. I met him at one station and we walked to the other then grabbed a quick bite to eat. We were only together for 45 minutes, but it was so nice to see him. I don't know when I saw him last. Oh yes I do. I saw him in November in DC. Sunday, I will go home and see his whole family before they head back down south. Though, I will see them in 2 weeks when I go to Florida and they go to Florida.

The results are in...

And there are no results. My "trainer" had no idea what he was doing. I had to tell him where to put the callipers and tell him that we needed to do it before I worked out so it would be more accurate. This was before he realized that there was an electronic scale/device which measured everything. Oh [geez]. So, I got on that, after I worked out, (which would make it extremely innaccurate) and got a really low number. He was trying to tell me that that's what my body fat really is. I was like "dude, that's low for a guy never mind a female. I wouldn't be very healthy if that was my body fat. My body wouldn't be functioning." Then he kept telling me that it was below 10-12% and I was like, "um, no. It's not healthy for a female to be below 12%." (I didn't want to get into the whole how the female body works thing).

So, I don't really have results. I do know that I am NOT unhappy about what the results would have been had he done it correctly because I think they we would have been okay. One of the other trainers said to me "Why do you want to get your body fat done? You don't have any."

So, what I thought might have turned into a bad day didn't at all. I had a great workout and I'm okay with the fact that I don't know what my body fat percentage is and I know that I would probably be okay with the number that it is had I found out.

Now I must shower before I can't move my upper body. I did a lot of triceps today.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I want to have "B-Sat"

I weigh too much and I'd like to throw up right now. (I won't). UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My excitement

I had a busy day. I didn't feel like writing before because I was too tired. So, after a little nap on the couch, I'm ready to write.

I woke up early this morning and went to NJ to meet up with my college roommate. I had to get measured for a dress for her wedding. I've never been measured before. I asked the woman, after she measured me, what my measurements are. I've never been measured before. My bust is a whopping 31. HA HA!! My hips, well, they're too big. My waist was smaller than I thought it would was. Now I know my real size.

Before the dress fitting, we had some time to kill. We drove by a Stop and Shop. I got SO excited and asked C. if we could go in. We did and I was like a mad shopper. We didn't have much time so I was going a million miles an hour. Now, if you ever have seen me "on caffeine" you'd know what I'm like. Well, I was like that times ten. I was a mad shopper and I went in for one thing and bought a million things, including cat food. I FREAKING LOVE the grocery store!! We don't have good ones in NYC.

So, we did a bunch of stuff today. We hung out, saw a show, etc. We had fun. I thing going to the grocery store was the highlight of my day. I wish I could have stayed there longer. I love the G-store!!

So tomorrow, exactly 12 hours from now, is the big day. Good or bad...we shall see. Ugh. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I'm just asking for trouble, but I need to know what my body fat is and no one at my gym at home will do it for me because they know it's not in my best interest and won't collude with my disordered behavior.

Speaking of disorderedness. I got my first receipt from Charro yesterday. Diagnosis = EDNOS. Yay, I'm not the big AN. Now, I understand that she could have used that to benefit me in the future, health insurance wise. It's better having AN on my record. Maybe that's something I should ask her about, but I actually don't think I really care. I don't think I'm anorexic. I guess I do wonder if she does or not. I guess since she wrote that I was AN in my "notes" she probably thinks I am. I don't know. I'd rather be EDNOS because to me (and other people who have been diagnosed as this don't take offense) it's not a real disorder. That's just pertaining to me though.

There was something else I was going to write about but I just forgot what it is. Oh well. Perhaps it will come back to me at some point in time. I guess it wasn't that important, not that any of this really is.

Running around

I left my place early this morning and am not home and tired!! I had a very nice day though. Oh, but I was out to lunch with my friend and I thought Charro walked in. I think my heart stopped for a bit but then I realized that it wasn't her. She wouldn't have been in my neck of the woods anyway, unless she was playing hookie. Even after I realized it wasn't her, I was still all freaked out about it because it kept running through my head: what would I do if it was her? I couldn't eat in front of her. That's all I could think about all lunch because the lady sat right near us.

So tomorrow morning I'm getting my body fat and weight done at the gym. I know, BAD idea but it comes with my membership so I'm doing it. It could end up being a very bad day...week...month. Charro doesn't know about this one yet. I'm sure it wouldn't be high on her list of things for me to do.

Oh yeah, so my "sesssiiiioooonnn" with Charro yesterday was good. I talked a lot and she actually looked interested in what I was saying. That was a first. I see her again on Friday. She still won't let me come twice a week though. I may have to shed a tear on Friday to prove I can come twice a week. I want twice a week, dammit!!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Polly...some answers *Edited*

Polly's sister was interviewed recently about the death of her sister. As many of you suspected, it was suicide. Many of you asked me directly if Polly did take her own life. While I knew the answer to that question, I did not feel that it was my place to disclose that personal information. Now, it's out there.

Here is the article in which Polly's sister was interviewed for.

It's sad that this had to happen.


I think the article is misleading. Polly had a hell of a lot more going on than just her ED. I'm sure her ED played a role in her death, but there were a lot of other "things" going on. So, I would not completely blame her ED and I wouldn't say her ED caused her death.

Really, who needs it?

Sleep? Why can't I sleep? I woke up at 6 AM yesterday, 5 this morning. Ugh, I don't get it. I just want to sleep!!

On top of not sleeping, I weigh too much. Hey, maybe that's why I'm not sleeping! Okay, not too too much, but like 2 pounds more than I'd like to weigh. I just want to go back down. Charro seems to have shopped asking me what I weigh so if I do lose a few pounds she'll never know. Well, unless she starts asking me again.

I guess I'll get an early start and head to the gym. I might as well. I hope it's not too crowded at this time.

I'm so gonna need a nap and I have Charro today so that's not going to happen.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Shower time?

I guess I should take a shower. I've done nothing all day. Well, not true I guess. I made sauce and then made pasta fagioli. I also talked to my friend C. for a while. Now, I shall shower.

I'm meeting a friend for coffee at 5. I need to go check on my new cell phone. I need to get pants hemmed, which I probably won't do because I'm too lazy to walk downstairs to see if the place is open. I guess I should.

I didn't work out. Ugh... I am planning on walking to meet my friend, which will end up being a couple of miles. Just enough to stretch my legs out a bit. They're a bit tight from yesterday.

Now...I shower.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Let's get physical

I had a physically active day. It started out as a lazy day. I hung out here and didn't go to the gym until about 11:30. I so didn't feel like going but I did. I ran a quick 5 miles and then came back here, showered, cleaned, ate, then went to field hockey. I walked about 2 miles getting there and back and I played for about 2 hours in the cold weather. I did a lot. My legs are tired.

I burned around 1200 calories in exercise alone which means that I need to eat more. I am well aware of that. I know I did not eat enough today. I know Charro is not going to be happy with my exercise and eating lately. I'm not deliberately trying to eat poorly, it's just sort of happening. I'm eating lots of veggies and stuff, but it's too much "diet food," as she called it. I feel like I shouldn't be spending money on food. It gets so expensive. I would have stopped and picked up food on my way home from field hockey tonight but I knew I had eggwhites that I could make. Yes, not that substantial but it saves me money.

I guess I have a lot to talk to Charro about on Tuesday. I guess a lot is an understatement maybe. I just need to write these things down because I'll get to her office and forget them, that's what always happens.

I'm kind of a little hungry still and I know that I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night and be starving, but I just weighed myself too and I weigh way too much. I know I just drank a lot but it doesn't matter. I don't know how much I "really" weigh so I have to go by the number that I just got which means no more food this evening. I need to just go to bed now anyway. I'm shot!

Saturday, February 16, 2008


I didn't have anything else to do tonight and I have like 2 channels on my tv so I decided to watch "Thin." I just put it on and am watching. I wanted to watch it not for its content, but to see Polly. It's making me sad, but happy at the same time. Right now she's holding "The Stick." Yes, the stick that turned into the "Bitch Stick."

There was not a conversation that went by without me saying to P-Dawg, "It's like really, really sweet. Like, not good sweet." It was something she said while trying to eat a cupcake on her birthday. We both found it hysterical for some reason, as did Jen. Jen and I had all the goods to make a shirt for her when she was here for her visit, but we never got to it because Jen's visit was cut short. We also couldn't find the cupcake to iron on to it. It was perfect though, a blue wife beater tank, her favorite shirts. Maybe I'll find that cupcake and make it for me to wear in her honor.

I love that I have videos that Polly sent to me that I can watch so I can hear her voice and laugh. She had the best sense of humor. And that accent. Ha. Makes Jen and I crack up.

It's still all so surreal to me. I can't believe she's really gone. I feel like I should be able to pick up the phone and call her and that she'll be on the other end to pick up. Not that case :(.

I have other things on my mind that I might write about later, unrelated to Polly so I'll keep them separate.

3:58 AM

I've been awake for over an hour now so I figured why not blog?! I don't have anything to say other than I WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP NOW!!!! Is it possible? I'm gonna try.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Just once

I'm exhausted!! I'm not quite sure if it's from all of the activity I did today or from my appointment with Charro. My appt. was weird. We went from having nothing to talk about, to talking, to having nothing to talk about, to talking and me wanting to keep talking; of course time ran out at that point.

It takes me about 30 minutes to "warm up" and actually start talking. That pisses me off. I don't know why I just can't start talking from the very beginning. Ugh!! I hate that I can't do that.

So, I am seeing Charro twice next week. She wanted to know if I wanted to switch to Tuesdays or just wanted to go twice next week and if that was something I wanted to do because she has someone who wants that slot. I told her that I would like to go twice a week however, she doesn't really think that's a good idea. I get where she's coming from and understand her reasoning. She said she'd like to see me be able to start talking from the start of our appt. and use that time, since I don't really do that now. I guess she kind of figure that I don't talk for one 50 minute session so how would I ever fill two of them. I get that. She said she finds going twice a week is usually very helpful for most, but not so much for me. My words were, "That's because I suck at therapy." So, I guess I'll be sticking with just once a week. I feel like I have to prove to her that I could do twice a week but I don't have time to do that because she's filling that slot. I would feel bad taking away a slot for someone who really needs it and it can benefit from it, when I don't really need it.

I got this in my FFJ today: "Palm, you are very much in the ED in terms of your diet and thoughts. Important to be aware of this." Funny, I don't see it. I guess that's what denial is all about, though I really don't see it. I don't feel like I'm thin enough or starve myself enough to have an ED. I don't get it.

I tweaked my bicep in kickboxing this morning. I felt it after the first couple of punches and was like "oops, that's not good." It's not bad though. I probably just tore a few fibers or something. It's fine.

Can I go to bed now??

Getting ready to go

Okay, I just typed and it was changing languages on me. How weird. I actually have to leave in a few minutes. I'm heading to Times Square (ugh) to get some theatre tickets before heading over to Charro. That's a lot of walking and Charro will not be happy about that, especially since I already worked out for 1 hour 40 minutes. I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened.

I guess I should get ready to go. I'm sure I'll have something to write after Charro. If not, maybe a poem in honor of Polly is due.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Polly loved PTC poetry

I used to write crazy poems to brighten peoples' days. I found one that I posted on Polly's blog last April. Ha, reminds me how funny she is...even though I wrote it. HA!

Polly's art

This is the "Bitch Stick" that P-dawg made for me. Hmm, I think it's still sitting in a box on her table waiting to be mailed to me. It makes me crack up because it just show's Polly's craziness.
The "Bitch Stick" all started when I was busting on the stupid stick they had to hold when they were talking in group at Renfrew." I was like "WTF is with that stupid stick?" Then came the P-dawg original "Bitch Sticks!" If you can't figure it out, mine is a palm tree and that little yellow ball is the sun. Of course there are coconuts under the tree.
I definitely do NOT have the artistic talent that Polly had, but I might have to try and replicate my PTC original palm bitch stick in P-Dawgs honor. It's a damn cute stick!

She cracks me up. She was in my dream last night for about two seconds. She said one thing to me and then I woke up.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Happy Birthday, Grandma

Today would have been my Grandma's b-day. I was thinking about her a lot last night. I became very sad (or sadder b/c I was thinking about Polly too). I've been thinking about her all day too. I guess it's been a rough week in that department.

It's been a year and a half since she died. I miss my Grandma. Though I'm not a deeply religious person, I know she's looking out for all of us and is happy as can be to be reunited with her one and only love; a man who was taken away from her long before he should have been. They should have had many more years of life and happiness together. I wish they had, and I wish I got to know my Grandpa. I know they're dancing together again.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Why am I so bothered by this?

I want to write but I need to go to bed. I don't know why, but it's really bothering me that Polly's death is all over the place, like Access Hollywood and NY Times infamous Page Six. Why? Maybe she was a "celebrity" or "the girl from Thin" to many people but she was so much more than that and pisses me off that that's all that people see. Maybe I'm just oversenstative to all of this, I don't know. I just know that it's really bothering me and I just want the press to leave her alone.

I know that my thinking is probably messed up with this. Afterall, she was "out there" (meaning in the spotlight).

I can't write anymore. I just get all worked up. I need to try and go do bed.

Phone sessssiiooooonnnn

I had a PS with Charro today. I scheduled it after my "sesssiiioooonnn" last Monday in fear that something would happen and I'd feel the need to talk to her if I didn't have it scheduled. (If I didn't have this I wouldn't be seeing her again until Friday).

Well, something happened, that's for sure. We talked about Polly. She said, "You have a big loss, do you want to talk about it?" I was actually surprised she gave me the option. So, we talked. I told her that I actually had feelings for once, a lot of them at that.

I was glad I got to talk to her today, even though her phone kept cutting out and I couldn't hear her half the time. Oh well.

I've been thinking a lot about Polly. I miss her energy. I miss her laugh. I miss her craziness. I miss her saying " Palmtreechick! Palmtreechick! Palmtreechick!" She always had to say it 3 times. I watched a video she had sent me. She made it on April 15 last year. I was on the phone with her while she made the video. She was funny, as usual...and dropping the f-bomb as usual too. I'll never look at funny bunny clothes the same again.

I hope she's happy...

Monday, February 11, 2008

I'm angry!

It really bothers me that so many people think it was the ED that took Polly's life. I'm not saying that that might not have played a role in things, but she had a hell of a lot more going on than just her eating disorder. Read her blog and her caring bridge site and you know that she was dealing with a ton of medical problems, not to mention all of the other crap she was dealing with mentally. Who's to say what medical problems were a result of her ED and which ones had nothing to do with it, but we are not to judge. We don't know what led to her death and we probably will never know.

I don't know why I'm so angry by what others have written on another site. None of those people that commented on that site knew Polly. I'm not saying that I was her best friend, but I knew her pretty well. They all look at her as "Polly from Thin." She was more than that and it just bothers me that people are making assumptions. Grrr!! Sorry, it's just really bothering me. We will never know what really happened but I hate that so many people are blaming her ED for her death when I'm pretty sure there was a hell of a lot more going on there.

(I am NOT talking about any of you guys that commented on my blog or my "Canadian friend" who wrote a post about Polly as well).

I bit my cheek

I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I'm tired and need to go to sleep but want to watch Dance Wars. Oh what do I do?

Eat a pear? Don't eat a pear?

Go to bed? Watch Dance Wars?

I feel like I should eat because I ate dinner a long time ago, though I did have a snack at 4:30. I won't eat again until I wake up. That's starvation mode, not good for the body. But, if I eat something, the scale will go up and I don't want that either. Ambivalence...

I bit my cheek at some point today. Hate that.


I feel like I shouldn't be blogging. I feel guilty for doing so. I feel like I should be going "black" like Broadway does to mourn the loss of Polly. On the other hand, I feel like I kind of have to keep going too. Afterall, I'm here, and we're all here, to get out what we're thinking/feeling, right? So, with that said, I shall blog.


There is this mirror on the wall at my (NY) gym. I walk by it as I'm exiting the cardio area. It's a "skinny mirror." I just want to stand there and stare at myself in it because it makes me look so skinny. I love it.

Then there is the "real" mirror by the bikes. I look at myself in that and get grossed out and disgusted. I guess it's a good thing that I get off that and walk towards the "skinny" mirror. Too bad that one's lying!!


Then there are the naked people. What is up with them. There was this woman today who was completely naked, then she put her shirt on and went and got a drink at the water fountain with nothing else on. No underware, nothing!! WHY??? Was she really that thirsty that she couldn't wait to put some pants on to get a drink of water? Seriously!! I don't care if you have the body of a supermodel, I don't want to see it naked!! Please people, wear clothes!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Polly **Edited**

For those of you who haven't heard the sad news, Polly passed away on Friday. I feel weird writing this on here but I also feel like I need to acknowledge her life.

I got a call at 1:58 this morning. I think I said "What?!" a million times when I heard the news. I'm still in shock. I'm saddened, confused, shocked, freaked out a bit, etc. So many emotions. I just wish I knew what happened. I hadn't talked to P-Dawg in a few months, but things seemed to be getting better for her. I don't even know what to say.

Miss you, Pol.

For those who wish to make contributions in memory of Polly, the family suggests National Eating Disorders at

Condolences may be sent to the family via

Saturday, February 09, 2008

"Fake" peanut butter

I bought this peanut butter at the store the other day. It only has 2 grams of fat per serving. It tastes okay, not as good as my reduced fat creamy skippy, but not bad either. It works. It doesn't have as much protein either, but hey, you give and take. I'll take less protein for less fat.

I already know what Charro is going say, or write, when she sees the peanut better in my FFJ. She's going to say something about moving away from eating disordered foods.

Went for a run in the park and it was cold and rainy. It took me 9 days to thaw out. I didn't stretch and now I probably won't be able to move later. Oh well.

Friday, February 08, 2008

11 more minutes

In 11 minutes it will be Saturday, which means that it would technically be "B-Sat." (Jen, that's for you). I should stay up. By the time I get done writing this it will be Saturday so I can have "B-Sat."

Went out tonight. Ate too much. Freaking out about it. Weigh too much. Shouldn't have eaten. Need to run 1,000 miles. Vanessa Carlton would "Walk 1,000 miles" so I should run it. Ugh!! Really, I should just never eat again. I really actually kind of wanted to throw up, which is not like me, and I haven't felt that way in a while. I just ate way too much!! Ugh!!

I don't know how I'm going to sleep now. My eyes are tired but the rest of me wants to just move and keep on moving.

7 Minutes til Saturday.


I took a kickboxing class this morning and it was really good. I got to the gym early enough to ride the bike for a few minutes before class. Well, class started later than I thought and I ended up working out for 35 minutes before class. I almost didn't take it but I'm glad I did. I got a killer workout and I'm sure I won't be able to move later and tomorrow, which should make running in the part quite interesting tomorrow.

I love that feeling though. I was dripping with sweat. I love that I'll be sore too. It's good to know I've worked muscles that I haven't worked in a while. I haven't done a kickboxing class in years.

I feel like I'm allowed to eat today, after that. I burned 750 calories, which makes for a good day. :) Who know's what I'll have for dinner. I have the veggies that I made last night leftover.

Yesterday was good too because I walked so much and worked out. Yay!! I know Charro's not going to be happy with my workouts and I'm sure I'll get a comment in my FFJ about them. It also takes me about 8-10 minutes to walk to the gym and back, so that's another almost 20 minutes of "activity." I love NY!! I shutter at what will happen to me when I move out of the city. I'll gain 300 lbs. That will be awful but I won't think about that right now.

No Charro today. I guess I should do some work.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

What I do when I'm bored

I was a bit bored tonight so I whipped out all my old FFJs, all EIGHT of them, and did some reading. Well, two are not filled and Charro has another one. I do, however, have 6 fully filled FFJ, now that's a problem. I didn't read much of what I wrote, mostly the comments that Charro left me and what led up to them.

The smoke in my apartment is horrible, and has been the past two night. I can't breathe and my eyes are killing. I have my window open, but only slightly so my cats won't escape. Ugh, it's bad and frustrating.

K, I'm going to bed.


I'm done, toast, spent. My legs are so happy to not be walking right now. I went to the gym this morning but did a short (1 hr) workout because I knew I was going to walk a little today.

I had a lunch meeting that I was going to walk either to or home from. I ended up walking both ways because on the way there I walked part way with a friend. That's always nice. Had lunch and walked back. I got about a mile from my place and my legs were like "No more, please!!" So now I'm on my couch and don't want to move.

Well, before coming home I decided to be a good eating disordered person and stop at the grocery store and get some stuff to make dinner. I bought some tofu to make veggies and tofu. Afterall, I walked over six miles today and worked out so I am "allowed" to have dinner.

I'm tired!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Hellish commute

I had the commute from hell today. Ugh, I'm a moron. I got on the wrong subway and went uptown instead of downtown, because I clearly wasn't thinking. Then, the stop I originally got off at and was trying to get back to had some sort of emergency so I couldn't get back there and had to take 87 buses to get back home. Ugh. At least it was warm out.

I had someone stay here last night to take care of my kitties. I got back and the first thing I noticed was that my scale had been moved. Ha! [geez]

I don't really think I have anything else. It's going to be weird not going to Charro this Friday. I'm so used to having that as part of my Friday routine. Hmm, what will I do with my time?

(Why isn't the spell check working on here?)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Too much thinking

I'm always thinking and I can't stand it. I can't turn my brain off. I just think all the freaking time and it's so annoying. Ugh!! It's just constant thought. Where is the on/off switch, or better yet, just the off switch??

I'm so in the I want to lose weight mindframe right now too, and I don't really know why. I really don't know why. I don't think it's going to get me anything, besides fired from Charro. I feel like I'm getting fatter and I haven't really gained any weight. What's that about? I've gained like a pound and I know that can't make that big of a difference, so what's going on?? Am I getting more disordered? I can't be. I feel like I'm getting less. Even Charro thinks that I'm "shifting." Maybe that's it. Maybe I don't want to "shift." Maybe that scares me because it will mean that I'm getting fat or something. I don't know!

Ugh, I hate not understanding anything that I'm thinking and I hate thinking all the time.

I'm also freaking myself by thinking Charro might be pregnant because what would I do without her? I don't know why that freaks me out so much. It's not like I even really talk while I there so why does it freak me out that I can't talk to her sometimes? Ugh, I think she and I are actually going to discuss that next week. (Not the preggers thing. She doesn't know I think that. All b/c of the big sweater, I just to these conclusions. Ha!)

At least I have field hockey tonight.

*EDITED* I'm also having the, I want to lose weight before I see Charro next week thoughts again. I saw her yesterday and don't physically see her again until next Friday, so that's almost 2 weeks of not seeing each other. So, I feel like I need to lose weight before I go back. But why? If I lose weight she will fire me and I don't want to be fired, yet I want to lose weight. [ARGH] What is this all about!!!!????

Monday, February 04, 2008

Charro this morning

I ran to Charro's this morning in a light snow. It was nice. My legs got so tight sitting in that chair though. I wasn't in her real office, I saw her at another location, which was weird. I was actually pretty nervous about going this morning.

She came out to get me and I noticed the huge sweater she had on. I immediately thought she's pregnant!! If that is the case, it's kind of ironic that 2 weeks ago I talked to her about my fear of her leaving her private practice to work fulltime at her other job. What will I do if she is preggers and goes on maternity leave?? AH!!

Then I noticed the run in the back of her stocking. Ha!

My sessssiiiooon was pretty uneventful. She has a scale in this office. I said "nice scale." She said "Any desire to get on it?" I was like "nope." She said "good." Please, like I'm gonna weigh myself in front of her.

She told me again that I really need to TALK!! I sort of have a problem with that. Oh well.

I got home, to my house house tonight and weighed myself. Again, I LOVE Bertha. I think she's way more accurate than my stupid scale in NY. She's consistent and tells me I way less. :) I did check it out with the doctor's scale once and they were the same. Woo hoo!! I mean, it could be wrong but I'm going with it. It's amazing how a lower number can make me so happy.

I think that's it.

Up and sleepy

I'm sleepy!! I didn't sleep well Friday night. Saturday I didn't get home until 2 AM (which is WAY past my bedtime) and last night I didn't sleep well again. I woke up at 5:45 AM and it took me forever to fall asleep too. Ugh. I'm sleeeeepy!!

It was so nice out yesterday. I walked to Times Square and went to see Spr!ng Awakening with a friend. The kids in that musical are so talented. It was a good show. After, I walked back and tried to do some shopping but didn't find anything I liked.

Last night I did some cleaning and rearranging in my place and then went to bed. I didn't watch a second of "The Game" because I hate football. I could tell the Giants were doing well by the cheers coming from other apartments.

My cats look sad.

I'm tired and I have to leave for Charro in a half hour. I hope it's not too cold. Note to self, bring tissues because my nose will run while I run!!

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Awesome night

I don't even feel like writing about this because it was just nuts. Went to see "zanadoo" again. Funny stuff happened. I was sort of a part of the show. Then went to this bar that we always go to for karaoke. It was closed for a private party but we got invited and went. We didn't know what it was all about. Walked in and Brooke Shields was there, along with several other celebs. Matthew Perry was also there. How nuts! Also, this is funny, the lead girl who I had just seen in the musical and had my picture taken with an hour before was there. I walked off the stage after singing (horribly, I might add) and she goes, "Hey, what are you doing here? Are you part of the show?" (It was a private party for a new show on tv). I said "Did you recognize my glowsticks?" (They give you glowsticks at the musical and I had them around my neck.) She was like, "No, I recognized your face." How random. Ha!

It was a freaking blast. I got home at 2 AM and will definitely need a little caffeine lunch today!! One more musical to attend today and then what?? Charro tomorrow. I'm so tired and am not going to the gym so my little light frap will be the perfect lunch.

That was the completely abbreviated version of the night.

My cat just took a dump in the little box and it stinks!

Friday, February 01, 2008

This is funny...

I totally just remembered this...Today Charro was trying make a point when I stated that I wanted to look a certain way. She said, "I want curly/wavy hair but I don't have that." She then proceeded to ask, "Do you ever wish you were a brunette?" I looked at her and said, "I AM a brunette!!" HA HA HA!!! Apparently, my dye job is a good one. Thank you my wonderful hairdresser!!

Today's sessssiiiooonnn

    I wore my new shirt to Charro's today. She loved it!! Ha!! I love it too!! I got another [geez] in my FFJ today. She does it now just because I made fun of it and we think it's funny.
    My sessssiiiiooon was good, minus the fact that I torqued my neck laying on the couch. I must have had the pillow funny. At the end I was like, "ugh, my neck hurts." Charro said, "You didn't look like you were too comfortable." Apparently I wasn't. The good news is that she says "things are shifting." I guess that's a good thing. However, I think I need to lose 2 pounds. I guess I should rephrase that, I want to lose two pounds. I also want to get a new scale because I hate my stupid new one. (new as in new since I moved in).

    I don't really remember what else happened. Oh, she was asking me about my family and if we talked about our feelings growing up and what I think my brother would be like if he was in therapy, like if he would talk, etc. I said he is the most emotional out of all of the kids but said that none of us ever talked about our feelings with each other. So then she asked me if I talked about my feelings with my parents, or something like that, and I guess I made a weird face (b/c I was thinking) and she said, "You look like I just asked you to picture your parents having sex." I was like, "Ugh, not something I want to imagine!" She must have had sex on her mind today because she asked me what I'd get out of being "really tiny" (my words). She said, "Would you have more dates? I don't think it's about being sexy or sex." [Geez] Charro, no more sex talk please.
    Oh, she didn't really say much about J. being engaged. That was the first thing I told her.
    I get to start my day/week with Charro. I see her first thing Monday morning because she's not going to be around on Friday.