Thursday, January 31, 2008

Disgusting!

I weigh 3 pounds more than I should right now and that's completely unacceptable!! What the fudgepops? How do I go from losing weight to gaining weight?? I had soup for dinner, I should not have gained a million pounds. I am so NOT happy about this and must do something about it. I don't really care what it takes. Maybe I'll have to spend two hours at the gym tomorrow. If I eat soup for lunch and dinner I should not gain weight. I made it myself, I know what's in it. Lots of veggies, a little pasta and some beans.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really just need to get back down to what I was. I did drink almost a liter of water tonight so I hope that has something to do with it but I'm sure it doesn't have 3 lbs worth of doing. I hope Charro doesn't ask me what I weigh tomorrow because I'll weigh a lot and she'll be happy with that so when I lose weight again she'll be mad. I just need to wake up being skinny and then it will all be okay!!!
Ugh, I'm taking my fatself to bed now.

Weird fears

I always have this fear that Charro is going to quit her private practice and just work her other job. That scares me. I don't know why I always have that thought but I do and I don't like it. I have no reason to believe that she would do that but I always get nervous about it. I hate when I have weird thoughts like that, about anything in life. If that did happen I would not go to anyone else.

I'm tired. Can I take a nap? I need to go to the store so I can get stuff to make soup so I'll have something to eat for the next 4 days.

B2 blows

I hate my stupid scale. It gives me all different readings. Last night I got on and off that thing about 15 times and I got readings that were all over the place. Some were just ounces different, while others were up to two pounds different. What does that mean? It means that B2 sucks and I need to get a new one!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Food fears

I feel (and look) like I'm 8 months pregnant right now. What's up with that? There's no reason for it. Perhaps it was the huge salad I had yesterday and the fact that I was very dehydrated when I woke up this morning. I don't know. It needs to go away and I need to be inverted. Is that too much to ask for?

I'm tired and I have no idea what I'm going to eat over the next few days, or for a while I guess. I have egg whites, yogurt and veggies here. I don't want to cook because there's no one here to eat it but me. I want to bake, but I don't want to bake because there's no one here to eat it but me. I guess I'm afraid I would just eat everything, which makes no sense because I've never done that before in my life so I don't know why I think I would do it now. I guess deep down inside I know I wouldn't do that because I am too controlled around food so I couldn't just let myself go hog wild. I guess I just don't want food around here at all. I'm afraid I'm going to end up eating pizza everyday of the week if I don't cook though. I don't know. I'm so confused. I'll figure it out, I guess.

I just got back to NYC and my kitties are happy to see me. I need to empty the litter box b/c it stinks. I need to go to bed early because I'm tired. (Female cat enters litter box and is peeing. I can hear it). Yum!!

That's all folks!

Oh, saw D. last night and sort of filled her in on the past 6 months of my life. Told her I'm seeing Charro and she was pleased to hear that. She said that there wasn't really anything that she (D) could do for me because I didn't want to change. Bingo!! It was great to hang out with her.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Shocked

Okay, so I texted J. (the ex) tonight and said "Guess you don't want to talk to me. I'll drop off your tennis racquet on Wednesday."

His response - Keep it. My life has changed. I got engaged.

I called my friend who works with him and got the scoop. They got engaged after under two months of dating. I'm not in the least bit upset about this. I'm shocked and confused, like WTF? He was "SO IN LOVE" with me and now he's engaged?? Weird. It's so not going to last. It's a former patient of his. I know how he is and I just don't think he can truly be in love with this girl so quickly. I can't explain it because I can't really explain how he is, but whatever.

Hey, maybe it will work out but who knows. My sister and I are just completely shocked by it. It's just messed up. The wedding is set for April 2009, my guess, and everyone in the office that he works with guess is that it won't happen.

My interesting news for the night.

[ARGH]

I'm so frustrated right now. I've spent the past 4 hours trying to fix my stupid wireless. I don't know what the hell is wrong with it, but hopefully it's fixed now. Grrr!!!

I think I'm hungry now.

I wrote a lot more but my internet connection went again so I lost it. So now here I am again. GRRR!! I was on the phone with the people and they fixed it. It only took almost 6 hours to get fixed. I was so freaking pissed that I wanted to punch something or throw my computer. I really need to get a punching bag for my angry moments. I always just want to punch something.

So I just had lunch/dinner at 3 and I'm still hungry. WTF? Maybe I'll make some veggies. Why am I hungry all the time? I hate it. I still want to punch something.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Aching feet

My feet are aching and my legs are tired. I didn't think I walked that much yesterday, but maybe I did. I didn't work out so I definitely have to today, but I dread going to the gym because it's always SO packed on the weekends, plus me feet hurt.

I'm supposed to meet my sis and her friend for breakfast this morning before she heads home. Yesterday we went to see Rent, a show I have grown to love...and seen 14 times now. Well, I was a bit disappointed. It was not as good as I remember. I don't think the cast was up to par. I was saddened by the fact that I didn't get the high that I used to get from the show. I guess that's why it's closing.


I was out until 1:30 AM, very late for me. I slept until 8 AM, also late for me. I can't go to the gym until later, so maybe it will be less crowded by then. I hope!!

I need a foot massage.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Just things

My appointment with Charro yesterday was good. I feel like she doesn't believe me when I tell her how much I weigh. I'm honestly NOT lying to her. I wake up in the morning and happen to weigh what she wants me to weigh. It's not like I'm trying to either. Then, it's kind of funny, I get home and end up weighing less. I'm not messing with the system either. I'm doing exactly what I normally do every morning when I weigh myself. I don't think she believes me though. She keeps saying that it's a bit suspicious. I was like, "C., don't you think I was going to lie to you I'd make up a different number? I'm not that stupid!" I guess it's not my fault if she doesn't believe me though. I just want her to. She has no reason to think I'm lying.

This morning, woke up just under 99 lbs. That makes me happy. I wonder what I would weigh on Bertha? 97 something maybe?? Hmm. I want to know.

I've decided not to go to the gym today. It's always way too crowded on the weekend and you have to wait for a machine. Plus, I don't have much time to workout anyway because I need to be around because my sister is coming to town to meet up with some friends and I need to be able to navigate for her. So, I think what I'm going to do, actually, it is what I'm going to do, is walk to the train station and meet her, though it's 2 degrees out, and walk her to where she needs to be. That way I'll get some walking in. Then I'll be walking around a lot all day so I'll be getting exercise. My legs are kind of tired anyway. I hate taking days off from the gym though. I feel like I'm giving in and I like to keep a streak going.

I'm going to do some exercises her and then shower.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Bottomless pit

I must have a tape worm because I can't stop eating. I just had lunch and snacks and I'm still hungry? What the heck? I do not like this one bit. I burned 600+ calories working out, but that is no reason for me to be this hungry. It stinks a lot. Maybe, since I just ate some much now, I won't be hungry later. Oh wait, I guess that probably won't happen, though it would be nice.

My dinner options are slim here. I have egg whites in a carton, yogurt, protein shake and a couple bites of chick in my fridge. I might need to make some air popped popcorn tonight. Maybe it will be a protein shake/popcorn night. We shall see how I'm feeling after Charro. Who knows what I'll be craving.

It's freezing out here, by the way. I'm drinking tea so maybe I'll be full in a minute.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

"The Smoker"

And some other irrelevant topics.

I just got back to my apartment and as I was walking in, I saw the super outside. He said that he talked the "the smoker" yesterday and that he will try and cut back on his smoking and be more aware of it, or something like that. Let's hope that happens because it stinks!!

In other news, I'm supposed to hang out with D. (my old fake "talking person"/friend) on Tuesday, though she always cancels so I'm not holding my breath. Is it wrong that I want to be really skinny when I see her? I've lost like 5 or 6 pounds since I saw her last so I'm sure she will notice. Usually I don't want people to notice, but for some reason I want her to notice and say something to me. Probably because I talked about all that stuff with her all the time.

In other news, one of my cats seems to be bulimic. When I got back her last week I stepped in cat puke. One of them puked again while I was gone. Anxiety issues?? I think I will be taking them to Charro on Friday. We can discuss that further.

In other news, I think I might becoming a bit less obsessive about things. WEIRD!! I'm not really sure what's going on with that. I tend to care less about weighing myself (sometimes) and seem to care less about what I'm eating (sometimes). I'm pulling more of the whatever attitude and the if I gain a pound it will come off easily attitude. I go back and forth though between that and getting pissed at what I weigh. I still think Bertha is more accurate and I like what she reads more too. I'm still hanging in the 98 lb range according to her. I'm totally fine with that. Of course, I have to go with the stupid scale I have here because that's the one I'm on all the time. Maybe if I drive here someday, I'll do the old scale switch-a-roo and bring Bertha back here and bring B2 back home.

Can I go to sleep now?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Just in case

Talk about uncomfortable moments. I was sitting in the kitchen (at home) and my parents and my sister were sitting in the family room watching TV, some news show. Well, they were doing a special in Internet safety, etc. Well, they interviewed a girl who was talking about the secret life she has online and how she can be herself, talking about her ED and stuff. She went on and on, naming sites and stuff. God, I KNOW that they were probably thinking about me and what I do online all the time. Not good stuff. I hope my dad doesn't get any bright ideas for Google searches tomorrow. I'm sure he will. He's already googled my name trying to find my blog before. Ugh.

So, in the case I decided to make this private (I know, I've done it before during freak outs) and you'd like to keep reading, send me an email. I'd like to not go private but who knows, I may have to.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Bitter sunrise

I woke up to this this morning...

It's 15 degrees out, but feels like 0 with the windchill. I don't think I can go outside. Really. I have to go to the gym, I just can't get myself to go out there and walk there. This is when I wish I was home and had my car. I am going to tonight, so maybe I will just wait and go to the gym tonight, but I don't really want to do that so I'll have to suck it up and walk to my gym here today. No rush though. Brrr!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I walked out

I walked out of the aerobics class that I went to today. Why? Because it sucked. Call me an aerobics snob, but there were so many things wrong with it. I was getting more and more pissed off as I stayed in that class so I finally decided that I was going to leave. I usually wouldn't do that but I was like why should I continue to waste my time in here if I'm not happy? So I left and went and worked out on my own!! Yay for me!!

So, the two classes I've taken at this gym have both sucked. I'm 0-2. Do I dare try again??

"Zanadoo"

Yes, I do know I spelled that incorrectly. I just want to avoid all the searches I'd get if I spelled it the correct way.

Anyway, I saw that musical last night and it was much better than I expected it to be. It was funny. I actually got pointed at by one of the characters during the show. They played with the audience a bit, (there is on stage seating so they messed with those people a lot) and I was in the first row so they got me one time. I started cracking up. I am SO going back and sitting ON the stage though. Perhaps this week I will go. :) Those tickets are cheap too!!!

I LOVE musicals. I get all hyped up after seeing them because I want to be up there so badly doing that. I love it!! The lead, of course, was about two pounds which makes me so jealous. Sure, she probably starves herself but she looks good.

So today it's COLD out. I'm going to try out a class at the gym. It better be good or I'll be mad!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Hola

I don't really have anything to write right now but I'll write anyway.

It was really nice out yesterday so I walked to Charro, about 5 miles. I had gone to the gym that morning and was going to go lighter than usual because I knew I would be walking a lot but I got into my run and it felt good so I kept going. I ended up running for a while, riding the bike for 10 minutes and lifting a little. Oh well.

So, I walked to Charro and she didn't like that much. My reasons behind it are good though. It was nice night out and the next few days are going to be bitter cold so I wanted to walk around. I enjoy walking and feel like I sit on my ass too much too. I wasn't necessarily doing it to burn calories. I had the time and so I walked. I told her that I allowed myself plenty of time so I wasn't racing there, it was more a leisurely stroll, though the slow people did get in my way every now and then.

She asked me what I do at the gym. I was like "What do you mean?" (Um, I workout). I told her what I did yesterday and told her I do mostly cardio. Oh, she now wants me to weigh 105. I was like "Uh, you just jumped 5 pounds. I don't think so." She's so trying to figure out why I am so "afraid" of "fat" and why gaining weight is such a bad thing for me. I didn't really give her much because I don't have an answer. I just know I got a little uncomfortable when she was asking me because I knew she was digging for something. I know she wants to figure this out, or help me figure it out.

The big news, I got my notes!! Woo hoo. Love it. It's really interesting to see what she's thinking and how she perceives things. I think it helps me to see things too.

On that note, I need to go to the gym. Oh, I almost forgot to eat breakfast. I guess I should do that first.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Eh...

I don't really think I'm that happy. Still REALLY UNhappy about the whole smoking situation, which I got nowhere with today. I'm bored and I'm tired. I hate my scale because it's so random and weird. I want my Bertha now!! At least she's consistent. It's stupid because I don't really know what I weigh, though I have some idea. Whatever.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say. I see Charro tomorrow. Hopefully she will remember to bring my notes. I sent her a reminder email, per her request. Maybe I'll walk there. It's supposed to be sunny and 40 degrees. I have nothing else to do, though I don't really feel like walking, but I probably will. Maybe I'll wear my heart rate monitor too. I just have to take it off before she sees it on me, which will be no problem.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I CAN'T STAND...

  • THAT MY PLACE STINKS OF F'N CIGARRETTE SMOKE BECAUSE THE MAN WHO LIVES BELOW ME SMOKES!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO BREATH IN HIS FUCKING CANCEROUS SMOKE? ALL MY STUFF SMELLS LIKE SMOKE!!!
  • THAT I HAVE NO F'N HOT WATER TO WASH MY FACE WITH OR BRUSH MY TEETH WITH AT NIGHT!!
  • MY STUPID, DUMBASS SCALE
I'm just so pissed right now because all I can smell is fucking cigarrettes and I want to move out of this place because I hate cigs!! I should NOT have to be subjected to cigarrette smoke in my own fucking apartment!!!!

My dvds

I’m writing this while on the train. At least Microsoft will correct all my typos for me this way.

My dad drove me to the train station. Well, I drove because we took my car. I feared the conversations that might come up during our 20 minute drive. I was afraid he’d ask me about therapy and how I’m doing with everything. He didn’t and I was very relieved. We did manage to have a good conversation about my work and how I need to find a part time job of some sort, just to give me something to do. The extra cash would be nice as well. Basically, I’m bored and I need to meet people so I want to find something else to do. Something that I want to do, preferably. I want to go on some auditions and find an aerobics job somewhere. That would be some good extra money.

I enjoyed being home but it was weird to come home and not have my cats greet me. Very weird!! I kept looking for them. Hopefully they’ll greet me when I get back to my place. It was nice seeing my parents. It was nice hugging my mom and my dad. I think I can appreciate them more now that I’m not living with them. That’s a good thing.

I frantically looked for my ED movies last night, the ones I transferred to DVD. My fear is that they won’t work on my other DVD player because they won’t be compatible. There’s a movie on Friday that I wanted to DVR at home but I was afraid my parents would turn on the tv and see it recording, so I didn’t do it. I have the movie on tape and hope it’s on one of the DVDs that I have with me.

I guess I’m getting a little sleepy so I think I’ll try and take a nap. Hopefully the train won’t get too crowded.

Well, I’m back and I hooked up my DVD player. Just as I thought, the DVDs do not work in this DVD player. So, I can either bring my other one back here, which I do need to do, or re-copy all the movies again. Blah. That would take forever.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

This is weird

I came home today and it was so weird to walk into my house and not have my cats greet me. Granted they are greeting me at my apartment now, but after having been greeted by them here for the past 10 years, it was/is really weird to walk in and not have them here. It's sad.

So, here's the scale issue. I did NOT weigh myself last night. I did this morning, but I never said that I wouldn't so that's okay. I definitely think there is a 2 lb difference between Bertha and B2. I tend to think that Bertha is more accurate than B2 too. So, if that is the case, I weighed in 2 pounds lower than Charro's 100 pound weight requirement. I weighed myself in the middle of the day too, so tomorrow morning I will probably be even less, although I am making lasagna for dinner so maybe I won't be less. I believe Bertha more than B2 and it makes sense because people have been commenting on my weight, saying that I've lost weight, so it makes sense that I weigh (probably) 98 pounds. (I also compared Bertha's reading to the scale at the doctor when I went and it was the same). I'm honestly NOT trying to lose weight. I feel like I have been eating more than in the past. I am, however, walking around much more. I am also working out less than I used to too, but I think all the walking adds up. Speaking of, I think I'm getting a shinsplint. Ugh, as long as I don't get a stress fracture I will be okay. It's really low on my shin, which isn't where I've had them in the past. Usually they're like mid shin for me but this is near my ankle bone. Hmm, I guess we'll see. It was hurting while I was running this morning.

Anyway, if Charro asks me what I weigh on Friday, I will be honest with her and tell her that I'm getting two different numbers. If she fires me, which I hope she doesn't, then she fires me. Like I said, I'm not trying to lose weight.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Shot of optimism

I don't know where this is coming from but let's work with it for a bit.

I've decided today that I'm not going to weigh myself again until I go to bed tonight. Let's see if that really happens. Okay, so I've already stepped on the scale about 4, maybe 5 times, but some of those times were just to make sure it was giving me the same number. The official count would probably only be 3 times. Whatever it is, I've decided not to get on it again until I change my clothes and brush my teeth tonight.

Charro and I have had this discussion about whether I think I am the eating disorder or that it defines me as a person. My answer to her; "I don't want to be known as the girl with the eating disorder." Do I think it is what I do? Yes, completely. It's my thing I guess, in some sort of way. I lost my status as an athlete so I had to pick up something, right? (though this existed long before I graduated from college). Do I think I am the eating disorder? No, not really. Sometimes, yes, I do think it's who I am but I would venture to say that I don't think it defines me as a person. I don't want it to. I want to be known as the fun-loving, funny, caring, always happy and smiling, PTC and not as the girl who doesn't eat. (Clearly, I do eat).

So, that's my little blurt for the day...or for now at least.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

When all else fails...

Watch it on youtube. :)

So, one of my favorite ED movies, Secret Btwn Friends, is on Lifetime, but since I went for the cheap cable, I don't get that channel. So, when all else fails, watch it on youtube...which is what I'm doing. It's not like I haven't seen this movie a dozen times. I have it on tape/DVD, which I will be bringing back when I go home this week, along with a slu of other ED movies.

I'm sure this is not the best thing for me, although I don't think they really trigger me in anyway. I just really like watching them.

My first weekend here

I think this has been my first weekend in NYC since I've moved here. Crazy, huh? Yesterday was nice. I dragged myself to the gym and did a half ass workout because my legs were tired. Then I met up with a friend whom I haven't seen in 5+ years. We worked together for a little bit. We met from brunch and then did a little shopping. It was great to hang out with her and catch up. She's a lot of fun so I'm sure we'll be hanging out a lot. I also got to walk about 4.5 miles, which added nicely to my tired legs.

I got home and did nothing before heading to dinner with another friend.

Today, I have to clean my bathroom and possibly go see my friend's new apartment. I've hemmed and hawed, but I've decided not to go to the gym today. My legs really need a break. I compromised and skipped my peanut butter this morning. :) I did have fruit instead. So, hopefully I'll be walking to the other side of town to see my friend J's apartment so I can at least burn some calories. After that, if that happens, I'm heading over another friend's place to make some veggie chili.

That's my day in a nutshell. Snow tonight!! My first NYC snowstorm.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Yay for FFJ

I went to B&N to try and find a weekly planner but had no luck. Instead, as I was riding up the down the escalator to leave, I found this...


Is this not the perfect FFJ for me or what?! It's unfortunate that I don't have to FFJ much anymore, just write down what I eat and a little of my feelings. Since I don't have any feelings that means I'm really just writing down what I eat.

Charro was good today. She did not ask me how much I weigh. In fact, we barely talked about any of that stuff, which was my goal. I went in and told stupid stories about my week, like the party I went to on Saturday and stuff. She did say she really wanted me to try an "experiment," to go without weighing myself but I don't know for how long. I got her off that subject and she seemed to forget about it. The last thing I remember saying about it was, "You should video tape me so you can see me really freak out around day four." She said something about that being useful or something and then we never discussed the experiment which means that I don't have to do it. :) Yay!

She told me to email her to remind her to bring my notes next week. Of course she wanted to discuss why I wanted to see them so badly again. We also talked about my cats and if they're sad or not being here. We were both pretty funny today so it was a good "sesssssiiiioooonnn." She did say something to me like "You've been pretty pissed at me lately" and then gave a few examples. I said, "Yes, but I'm not mad at you today. :) Ha!

So, that was that. I did get to walk home part of the way. The skies cleared but my legs were so tired. I don't know how I'll get a good workout in tomorrow. It's going to be nice out so I'm going to do a lot of walking. Maybe I'll just skip the gym. Ha, okay, I won't.

It's not raining...

and that means I can walk to Charro!! Yay! My eyes are tired and my legs are tired, but's okay. It's 55 degrees out and that's not going to last long. Tomorrow it's going to be sunny and 50 and then the temp. is going to drop. So, I must take advantage of this warm weather and walk to Charro.

I just weighed myself again, I know, and it's a bit lower than what it was before so I'll just go with the 99.6 that I was when I weighed myself this morning as opposed to the number I just got. This is becoming too ridiculous, this whole numbers thing. Why does it even matter what I weigh?

I'll probably have to leave here in the next 25 minutes or so to make it there on time. It shouldn't take me more than 75 minutes to walk there, but I will most likely stop in some stores to try and find a planner. I'm not bringing an umbrella, so if it rains I'll get wet. I don't care. I hate carrying umbrellas for some reason, especially here. I'll check the radar before I leave.

I'm sure I'll have something to say after Charro.


Now it is. And it's thundering and lightening too!! Ugh, guess I'm not walking to Charro's. :(

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The big B's

One of my scales is wrong. Either it's Bertha or B2. I'm hoping B2 is the wrong one because it's 2 pounds more than Bertha. The good news is, I don't have to lie to Charro with B2, with Bertha, I was going to have to lie if she asked me how much I weigh. I guess that means that I don't have to eat as much as I've been eating. Unfortunately, I am going out to lunch and possibly dinner on Saturday, though there's always soup and salad, which I could really go for anyway.

I'm completely exhausted right now. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was worried about my cats and the little guy kept jumping on and off my bed. I think they're getting a bit more comfortable now. They both greeted me when I came home from the store and now the little girl is sleeping on my bed.

I went to the book store tonight. I was on the hunt for a weekly planner because the company I usually get mine from discontinued them. :( Very sad day for me. So, I got one but I don't like it so I'm going to go to the other bookstore tomorrow either before or after Charro. I have to do laundry tomorrow too. It was so nice walking around tonight though. Nice and warm and didn't even need my mittens.

I'm feeling gross and fat though. I want my scale to go back down. I need to run tomorrow and I wanted to walk to Charro but I think it's going to rain so walking almost 5 miles in the rain isn't so much happening.

I need to sleep tonight!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Wasn't that bad...

but they're still traumatized.

Both of my cats are hiding under my bed. The little guy came out and cuddled for a while and then got spooked and went back under there. I'm not sure what freaked him out. The little girl has been under there for a while. Both stayed in their crate for a few hours until I put it on my bed. He came out and she stayed in it for a while longer. My poor babies!! They didn't cry that much in the car, I was kind of surprised. I just want them to come out now so I can make them feel at home.

My sis and my nephews, as well as my parents, drove here with me today. I'm growing out my hair and got it done today. My sis said to me, "You're face looks so skinny with your hair like that, unless you lost weight the past few days." Ugh!! I can just imagine what my parents were thinking.

I was able to hide B2 under my bed before anyone came up to my place. Unfortunately, my mom looked under my bed to see that cats so I'm sure she spotted my scale. I just feel like I'm screwed right now and I'm not even doing anything wrong.

Okay, I'm really tired.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Is that possible?

I've been eating a lot more than usual and not working out as long as I usual do and I've lost weight. Go figure. I can't say that it really bothers me. I feel like it allows me to eat more sometimes, which is good sometimes. The only real problem with it will arise on Friday when I see Charro. Hopefully she will NOT ask me how much I weigh. Actually, I think my scale in NY (B2) is a little higher than Bertha. So, who really knows which one is correct but it's a good thing I'll be weighing myself on B2 before I see Charro. Ugh, I just really hope she doesn't ask me how much I weigh. Besides not wanting to tell her, I'm really sick of that question!!!

So, I'm bringing my cats back with me tomorrow. Ugh! I hope everything goes okay. I have a hair appointment. Not sure if I'm going to let me hair grow or not. Usually I say I'm going to let it grow long and I end up cutting it shorter. I don't know what to do.

I start playing field hockey again tonight. YAY!! I am so excited. I can't wait to play. I actually slept in a bit today so I wouldn't be at the gym "too long." I only worked out for 25 minutes before I taught, when I usually work out for at least 45 minutes before. Charro still won't be happy because I will be playing field hockey for 50 minutes, which takes my workout for today to a nice 2 hours 15 minutes. Oh well.

My dad is making lots and lots of chicken on the grill for me. I guess he's trying to fatten me up. I kept telling him that I only wanted one piece but he keeps insisting that I take some back to NYC with me. I keep telling him that I won't be home to eat it because I'm eating with my rents tomorrow and going out Thurs. So, it will go to waste and I hate wasting food!

That's it for now.

It's the tan

I taught aerobics this morning. After, a woman came up to me and said, "You look smaller. Are you smaller?" I looked at her and said, "I don't know. I think it's because I'm tan."

Awkwards moments...

Monday, January 07, 2008

I hate wearing pants around my parents

I hate wearing pants around my father especially. (No, I don't go naked. You'll see what I mean). I had on these brown pants today, that have become a bit big on me, and goes "Have you lost more weight? You're pants are sagging in the butt." I said, "No" of course. He always makes a comment about my pants being too big in the butt so I get all self-conscious about what pants I wear around him because I don't want the comments. So, that was uncomfortable.

I've been eating a lot...Okay, more than usual and I just weighed myself and I lost weight. It's not like I'm trying to lose weight. I'm having a big, yummy dinner tonight so we'll see what happens.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Relaxing

I'm sitting at my kitchen table loading music onto my computer to put onto my ipod. My little Squish is sitting on my lap. She nor her brother know that they are going for a long car ride on Wednesday. They are going to hate my apartment and I feel bad for taking them there. They love running around my house and now they're going to be living in a space that's 12x30. :( It makes me really sad. What if they hate it? What if they're miserable? I don't want them to be unhappy. :(

I did a lot today. I did some errands, worked out, made apple strudel, played my drums, played my guitar, did laundry, watched Super Skinny Me, and that's it. Productive! It will be nice to see my peeps at the gym tomorrow. I haven't seen everyone in a few weeks and it's always nice to see the regulars. I some some people I knew when I went to Wal-Mart and the grocery store today.

I start playing field hockey on Tuesday night. I must be careful of my head. Eh, I'll go all out like I always do. So, Tuesday is a big workout day for me. :) I'll go to the gym and do cardio, then I'll teach strength conditioning, then I'll play field hockey, though that's only 50 minutes of playing. It's way fun though. I'll try not to break my thumb again either.

So that's it. Oh, I got an email from CDJ today. How cool!! She's the country singer I have a link to on the side there. She's so cool. I love her! If you like good lyrics, check her out. Really good stuff and she writes all her own music.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Tired

For some reason I can't sleep past 5:45 AM. I'm so tired right now and I just can't sleep later than that. Ugh.

I'm waiting for the cable guy to come this morning. He's coming between 8-12 pm. I hope he comes early so I can get to the gym. Actually, I don't even feel like working out at all. I need to run and I don't feel like running on the treadmill. I've done the elliptical the past two days so I can't do that again. See where I'm going with this? I just don't want to go, but you know I will. I'll keep it short that, no more than an hour, unless something good is on TV. Actually, there's a boxing class I want to take but it's late in the morning and I like to get my workouts done early, plus I can't schedule anything because of the cable guy. I'm going home later this afternoon, so I need to be done working out early.

[Geez], can I go back to sleep now?

Friday, January 04, 2008

Scaling down

I went to my sesssssiiiiooonnn today. I hate that word. First things first, Charro said I could start scaling down on what I write in my FFJ. YAY!! I asked her when I could stop and she told me that I still have to write down my food (ugh) and just some feelings.

Jana, I asked her why she was so hung up on 100lbs. I said, "I just don't get why one pound is such a big deal for you." She said something about having to draw the line somewhere or something like that and then said, "We have charts..." and then said, "You should not weigh under 100 lbs." Whatever she said made sense and it was a valid answer for me. She did say something about not being able to see someone under 100lbs in an "outpatient" or "small" way (meaning just once a week). She said "I don't mean 'small' but once a week." I'm not really sure what that means, like if she meant that under 100lbs I'd need more than just once a week or what. I won't think about that.

I told her how I didn't want to be there at all and she asked if I had thought about cancelling. I said "Yes, for a few days. I was glad that I didn't have to come last week. It was nice to not be here." So, we talked about that. I told her that I got pissed last session which is why I didn't want to go today and that when I leave in a bad mood I don't want to go back and when I leave in a good mood, I can't wait to go back. So, we talked about that too.

Actually, it turned out to be a good sesssssiiiioooon, minus the first 15 minutes. I told her how sick I am of talking about weight and food. She said, "I think you're more resistant than sick of it." Um, she could be right about that.

We talked about a lot, yet nothing really exciting. All I know is that I'm really exhausted right now so I can't wait to go to bed.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I told ya so...

Straight from the DSM...

Diagnostic Criteria for EDNOS

Disorders of eating that do not meet the criteria for a specific eating disorder. (Anorexia, Bulimia).

- All the features of Anorexic Nervosa in a female except absence of menses.

Translation: I am NOT anorexic!!!! :)

I also don't consider EDNOS to be a "real" ED so therefore I don't have on at at all.

Don't wanna go

I should have cancelled my appointment with Charro for tomorrow. Well, I guess I still can. I could even cancel in the morning if I want to. I guess I'll figure it out soon.

I just don't want to go. I'm going to sit there and not talk because I have nothing to say, or rather nothing that I feel like saying.

Here's my plan as of right now as far as the weight thing goes. I'll weigh myself tonight and use that weight, that way I probably won't have to lie about my weight. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Show and tell

Palm Island
Sunrise
But of course...
Sunrise in Jacksonville
Same sunrise (Looks like a fire)
"Palm Island" sign

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Back to the bitter cold

Wow, I'm not sure where to start...I had a great time in Florida. The weather was perfect, sunny and 85 degrees everyday. I will post some pictures at some point.

My friend and I left to come back yesterday morning (we drove). The ride was going much better than the ride down, where it took us about 8 days to get through Virginia and then the highway was shut down in Florida. Long time to get there. Anyway, all was going well until I decided to weigh myself at a rest stop in South Carolina. Baaaaaad idea. Um, I slighty freaked out. I tried not to show it but it started to really get to me after a while. Here's what happened. I stepped on the scale, you know the ones that you can put a quarter in to weigh yourself, and it said I weighed 8 more pounds than I weighed the week before. I almost lost it. It was really bad. I told my friend G., who is well aware of my eating disorder (yes, I did just say that) and then we both brushed it off and didn't talk about it. Well, a few hours later she saw that I was completely freaking out (and I actually didn't show the amount of freaking out that was really going on inside of me) and we talked about it. I knew, and she had pointed this out as well, that there was no way that I could have gained that much weight in a week, she said that she would have noticed. We also talked about how stupid it was to let a number, which probably was wrong anyway, determine my mood like it did. (It was NOT a good mood). It was just so hard to get that number out of my head.

Fast forward to today: I arrived home and weighed myself. I actually did expect the scale to say 107, with all my clothes on, figuring that I did gain weight (Obviously not that much weight though). Much to my surprise, it was much lower than I expected. So, I took off all my clothes and weighed myself only to find that I had actually lost weight. (Though I could be really dehydrated so I might have really lost weight). I then did a 180 in my thoughts and thought about how Charro is going to kill me, well, not really kill me, but not see me anymore if I tell her what I weigh. She wanted me to gain weight and I lost it. I didn't try to lose weight while I was away. I ate more than usual and worked out much less, not to mention the days that I didn't work out at all. So, now I don't know what to do. I can't lie to Charro, yet on the other hand, if I tell her what I weigh, she'll "fire" me again. She won't see me until I weigh 100 pounds. I don't know. I guess there's really no point in me continuing to go see her anyway. Sometimes I feel better after talking to her, but other times I just get pissed and don't want to go back, like right now because I left my last sessssiiiioooon two weeks ago really pissed. I hate talking and don't want to talk and don't have anything worthwhile to talk about. Besides, I'm so sick of talking about my weight and food intake. I'm sick of the "How's your eating?" and "What do you weigh?" questions...REALLY sick of them!!

So, this is my latest dilemma. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do, like cancelling my appointment on Friday, please let me know.

I've missed you guys. I'll catch up on all your blogs over the next few days. Hope ya'll had a good New Year's!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Keep on truckin'

But we're resting first...at a Best Western.

I've gained 500 lbs and I not leaving the gym once I get back to NYC. But right now, I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll wake up in a better a mood, not likely, but I'll try. It's been a fun trip though...