Monday, December 22, 2008

The epitome of "Just Babbling"

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because my sore throat has returned. I know that I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be fine, JUST because I made an appointment. I'll feel like an ass going in there if it doesn't hurt. I can't cancel because they'll charge me anyway. I could always just tell her that I have an eating disorder. Ha!

I have lost weight since I was last there, but luckily I was there in the summer so I was wearing less clothes. Now I'll have tons of clothes on and boots too, so the weight I lost won't show. Plus, I'm going later in the day so I'll weigh more anyway. She wouldn't be concerned by the 2-3 pounds I lost anyway. She's never said anything to me before. Well, that's not true, last time she said "Your cholesterol went up and you've lost weight, that doesn't make sense. I think it's probably a mistake." That was the only weight comment she made to me.

So, in this break from Charro that I have, I'm going to think of everything I want to talk to her about and do in 2009. I know I need to step things up here, but I kind of really don't want to. I'm happy with my weight where it is right now. She would not be.

I always ask myself this questions, but why does this have to be so freaking hard? I know I have to eat 3 meals and throw some snacks in there too, but I don't really think that I can do it. I don't want to do it. You know why I don't want to do it? Because I don't want to gain weight? I don't think I need to gain weight. Charro says I need to gain weight. I just want to be thinner and more toned. My weight doesn't even pertain to my perception of my body. I look at myself and still see my arms as fat and my legs as huge, so I don't know if losing weight would even help. I'm not trying to lose weight right now, but even if I was, it wouldn't help.

With that said, I'm, of course, scared that I'll gain a ton of weight at Christmas time. Hopefully that won't be the case. I guess I'm not as worried as I would have been in the past, so I guess that's a good thing.

This whole ED thing is just too complicated. I'm thinking of doing a study though. We'll see. I asked Charro about it. I don't want to call and see about it though. Charro knows the people running the study too, which is kind of funny.


Jackie said...

Honey you know you are losing too much weight. Which is why you are going to pack on the clothes and boots and why you are happy you are being weighed later on in the know your weight is too low. Your body is reacting to the weight loss, the pressure you place on your body and it is getting sick.

Please take care of yourself honey, you worry me so much :(

Palmtreechick said...

Hey Jax,

I haven't really lost that much weight, just 3-5 pounds. Actually, I wish I was getting weighed with nothing on so I could see my real weight. I will be taking my shoes off and will wear light clothes so I can somewhat know how much I weigh.

I'm sorry I worry you. You shouldn't worry about me, you need to worry about yoursel, my dear!

Kara said...

Something I've noticed about myself is that I feel the same amount of "fatness" regardless of my weight. I've had a range of weights over the years and I feel just as fat when I'm 20 pounds (arbitrary number) heavier or 20 pounds lighter. Even though I still think EDs are a lot about outward appearance (despite what my doctors say), this is a testament to me that something deeper is going on.

Feisty Frida said...

Hi there, I know, it's been too long. How much do you weigh now, are you under 100?

Worried for you.


PS: Don't reply to this telling me not to worry. Ding-bat.

Zena said...

I too am really starting to worry about you...I know you could say the same for me but really being below 100 is DANGEROUS...gain the wieght back and do the study, I think it could be good for you...really!!!''

Love, Z

Palmtreechick said...

I guess you're right, Kara. I wish it was easier to figure out.

Hi Ass-Licker, I mean FF!! You know I miss you dearly. Coming from this "ding-bat," I would like to tell you not to worry...and I love ya!

Z, I'm only 5 feet tall, so being under 100 is okay for me.

Feisty Frida said...

I'll worry all I want, Moron.

Palmtreechick said...

No you won't, dumbass!