Friday, December 19, 2008

Another post because I'm bored

I'm watching 30 Minute Meals. What do disordered people do when there's nothing on tv? Why, watch the food network of course.

I have to get ready to go out soon and I don't look forward to throwing on a short skirt and walking a mile in this icy cold mess. Sounds like a blast, doesn't it? I'll probably fall on my ass too, which will make it so much better. I'd laugh.

My cats are cozy on my bed.

My new favorite saying is "let's call a spade a spade." Charro says it to me all the time, so of course I now say it back to her.

I think I don't care that I have an eating disorder anymore. Whatever, it is what it is. I'm used to it. I'm not saying it's fun and everyone should join in on the party, but it's how it is for me and it's how I am and I don't think I can change. Let's face it, it's so much easier to just stay this way and deal with this shit the rest of my life than to try and change it. Change is hard and I don't like it!

So, if I didn't have an ED I could go to this party tonight and thoroughly enjoy anything I decide to eat, not think about a single calorie or fat gram, or how much weight I'm gaining from it, or how much I'm going to have to work out tomorrow to "make up" for it. But, I can't do that. As Charro said this morning, I'm going to be "all eating disordered." Afterall, isn't it what I do best? I guess not because if I did, I would have the body that I want. I would look like my sister, who weighs 14 pounds. (I am going to ask her how much she weighs!).

Tomorrow, when I go home, I am going to try on the jeans she had on when I saw her last week. Why? So I can see how much fatter I am than she is and I can get all pissed off because she's skinny and I'm not. I had this discussion with Charro this morning. We concluded that I'm going to do this just to torture myself and end up in a miserable mood? Why? Who the hell knows. I guess I like to torture myself. I would be completely and utterly shocked if they actually fit me. They won't, so I'm already prepared for that.

I already feel like I need to workout hours on end. This party isn't going to help that situation. I have images of my scale in my head and what it will say when I get home and weigh myself. Just when I think I'm making headway with all of this shit, I turn a corner, as Charro would like to say, and do a u-turn back in the other direction. I told her that the other day. She agreed. At least we're both on the same page with that.

I don't know, I just don't get any of it. Why is it so complicated and hard? It shouldn't be that hard to eat like a "normal" person, but I can't even humor the idea.

I guess I should get dressed.

It's funny, I never read my posts before I post them. I just write them up and that's it. I was that way in school, it would be torturous for me to proof read a paper. At least I don't have to with this because if I sound stupid it doesn't matter, it's just my way of getting things out.


Kara said...

Thanks for inviting me to your blog! I love your honesty. It's like we do this eating disorder thing but we never get want me want - we never get thin enough. It makes me think - if it's so futile, then why do we do it? There must be other rewards - distraction from emotional pain, whatever. But we kill ourselves to get thin and we never get thin enough. It's kind of sad. Huh. Your post made me think...

Kara said...

My comment was kind of stream of consciousness - sorry if it doesn't make sense.

samegirl said...

Its true...just when you where doing so well smack...thats how it is with an this point I have lived longer with it than without sick is that,some of us will live the rest of our entire lives back and forth with this thing..Im so glad we can "talk " here ..Im glad you have charro..

Palmtreechick said...

Hey Kara,
Welcome. I'm glad my post made you think. It was just all my thoughts thrown out there. I don't know why I do it, that's for sure.

SG, Yeah, I've lived longer with it too. Kind of sad. No, pretty sad. I'm glad I have Charro too...and you guys.