Sunday, November 30, 2008
I know that you and PTC are close friends and I wanted to let you know that her mom has been reading her blog for a while. I don't have the heart to tell her, but maybe you do. I'm a friend of PTC's from school and I found out about her blog through her ex boyfriend. I saw her mom recently and she asked if I knew anything about it. I told her that I didn't and I would check it out. I haven't talked to PTC in years, but I've been following her blog- and yours - for a while now. I saw your email on the side and thought you might tell PTC this information for me. I would appreciate it if you would not forward her this email as I do not want her to have my email address. Thank you and I'm sorry for putting this on you, but I know that I would hate for my privacy to be invaded like that.
No reason to alarm her. I know her from school and I've met up with her a few times in the city. I'm concerned and I want her to get the help she needs. I recently had a friend die from the disease and would hate to see the same thing happen to her. I've been reading for about 7 months and I moved to the city a few months ago. I have tried to get in contact with her since then, but didn't want to send a message on her blog. Try not to alarm her- but let her know what's going on.
I would rather her not know who this is coming from. To be honest I see meet with PTC often and eat with her about once a week or so. I get concerned every time I see her refuse a meal or pick at it. I contacted her mom after finding her email address. Her ex boyfriend led me to the blog and the combination of her behavior and writing pushed me to give her mom the link to her blog. So please keep these emails between the two of us. I may send her an email to discuss the situation.
I was trying to avoid her finding out who I was in the first email because I have a feeling that she will receive the email anyway. I know that PTC has ways of finding out who people are, i.e. going into email accounts and checking other's mail- I wanted to try to avoid her finding out my information as I don't know if she has your information. I would still appreciate your keeping these emails to yourself.
Either that, or someone is completely fucking with me, which might be the case. That's so NOT cool!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
So anyway, I told her I lost a pound or two, but as of yesterday I was back to my "allowed" weight. It's so hard because I don't want to tell her when I go below 100 because she'll get mad at me and fire me. Not like she'll get "mad" but she will fire me. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm eating when I'm hungry (insert Charro, "You need to eat more regularly, even when you're not hungry.") I don't want to eat if I'm not hungry. It took me a long time to not be hungry, I don't want to turn that around and make my hunger come back. That's not to say that I'm never hungry, because I am hungry a lot. It's stressing me out a little. I don't want to get fired.
Friday, November 28, 2008
She was in rare form today. Absolutely hysterical!!! I walked in and she told me she has something going on with her contact. I made a comment about that. I asked her about her turkey cleaning and how that went and she said she had to pretend she was a veterinarian while she had her hand up the turkey's butt getting out the giblets. Then she had to go in the other end and get the neck out. I didn't even know there was a neck in there. EEEW!! She kept calling them the "butt giblets too." Funny. Then I said how I was going to sing karaoke at this store near her office, in the window, and she asked me what song I was going to sing. I told her, she looked at me and said nothing and then busted out laughing hysterically, then she got up to get a tissue. I said "are you drunk?" She goes "I think I'm still drunk from yesterday." (She was kidding, of course). She was nuts today though and I thought it was so funny. When I got up to leave, I said something and it was all weird and then said "I've lost it too." She goes, "Maybe it's the warm weather. Look, I'm not wearing any tights." WTF? LOL!! She's not always so crazy. She's a really good T!!! I do enjoy it thoroughly when she is nuts like today though.
So my mom just IMed me and asked if I "gave Charo the rice balls." UM, WTF...she called her CHARRO again!! That's twice. She so ready my FFJs. UGH!!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I can't stop thinking about everything. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just have a day where I don't think/worry about what I'm going to eat, the calories, the pounds, etc. I hate it. I hate that I'm worried about this day of massive food...and if you were at my house, you would see how much food we have for a mere 8 people. It's disgusting. I would just like to cry.
Can my parents tell that I'm nervous and stressed about all this? What are they thinking? Are they worried about how I'm dealing with the day and all of the food?
I guess I'm going to have to tell Charro that I've lost weight. I'm scared. I don't want to tell her because then she'll make me gain it back. I didn't exactly try to lose weight, but I wasn't not trying. I like seeing those numbers go down and it scares me to death to see them go up. I'm also scared that she's going to "fire" me. I don't want that. I think she's too hard on me when it comes to how much she wants me to weigh.
I still feel that if I gain weight today (which is inevitable), then I don't need to tell her I lost weight.
I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! Can I just take a nap all day and wake up and have it be over?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I'm bracing myself for the Charro conversation or the "how's it going?" or something about my eating or body conversation. I have a feeling that it's coming.
I was in a bit of denial that I lost weight, thinking that it was just a fluke and I didn't really lose any, but I guess I did. I mean, it's not much (and will most certainly be back by tomorrow) but it's a couple of pounds...significant in some eyes. Again, it will all be back by tomorrow, if it's not already. I guess if it doesn't come back, I should probably tell Charro, though I'm scared to tell her because I don't want to get "fired" and it's not like I'm trying to lose weight. Ugh, this is stressful.
I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow. I'll go to the gym for a while in the morning. My parents are going out for pizza with some relatives tonight (who goes out to eat the night before Thanksgiving??) and want me to come but I'm not going. It's not because of the pizza, I eat pizza, I just don't feel like going out and seeing the same people I will be spending the day with tomorrow.
Keep your fingers crossed that no one says anything to me about any ED stuff. I hope you all have a great Turkey day. Try not to stress.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I didn't want to leave Charro's office tonight. I felt like I was on a roll with the whole talking thing. I might have been having emotions too, but I'm not really sure about that. I just felt like I could have talked forever tonight. (Ugh, my cat's breath stinks). I commented how I "wore her out tonight." She looked tired, but it could have had something do to with her weekend trip to L.A. I'm sure I'll have tons to talk to her about on Friday.
Now I'm in a serious mood. Maybe I'll put lights on my fake tree so I can get my real tree next week and decorate that.
I can't decide if I'm hungry or not. Part of me thinks I should eat because I know I didn't eat "enough" today, but the other part of me wonders why I should eat if I'm not hungry. Lord knows I'll be eating enough in the next few days to make up for not eating right now. I guess I just talked myself out of eating, at least for now.
I'm tired and I can't go to bed until 11 because I have to watch the DWTS finale.
Monday, November 24, 2008
She asked me how I was doing today and I said (of course), "fine." Well, she wanted to know what that really means, and she said "I could have bet money on it that you would say 'fine.'" I proceeded to tell her that I think I've gotten a little bit more obsessive lately. Like eating is a bit more scary to me since I didn't do much of it when I didn't have a kitchen for a month. Also that I feel like I need to workout more and burn more calories. Of course she wanted to know "what's behind it" but I don't really know. I'm just afraid of gaining weight and I'm really afraid of that with Thanksgiving coming.
Almost just had a huge fire. Beware of those oil burners. I looked up and mine was flaming so high. I couldn't blow it out. Put it in my sink and dumped water on it (not the best idea) and it flamed up high before going out. GEEZ in a freaking box!!
I saw Charro this morning. I made a comment, while talking about how I don't think I'll ever be able to eat "normally" and responding to her "I think you can" comment, that I think I'm the Little Red Engine that Couldn't." (Hmmm, maybe it's just the little engine that could. I think I threw in "red" there and that's not part of the title). Anyway, she responded with "I think there's more in that statement than you even realize." Perhaps, but I haven't sat and thought about it yet so I don't think there is.
I left and went to the bathroom. I walked outside and there was Charro getting something to eat. I didn't see her, though knowing me, I probably looked right at her and didn't even notice her because I was in my own world. So, she goes "BOOO!! Sorry I couldn't resist." It was pretty funny. I was like "How did you get down here so quickly?" Her response, "The elevator." Okay, good response. Ha!
I continued on walked until I ended up buying a pair of jeans, which I planned on returning until I checked out and they were on sale. I have no butt in these jeans, which is bizarre because I usually have a big butt in jeans. I'll take it, though it does look pathetically flat.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I hate it. I hate that I'll gain like 3 pounds in one day. I'll spend a lot of time at the gym in the morning, hopefully that will help a little, though I'm sure it won't.
Maybe I'll go to bed soon. I've had late nights the past few nights and my body doesn't know how to sleep late so I keep waking up early. That's the worst.
I have Charro in the morning and then I will have to hit the gym. Maybe I will run. I just hope my legs aren't tired. I need to start running long distances again but I get so bored on the treadmill and it's too cold to run outside. Ugh!! I need someone who will run next to me for a million miles so I can get through it.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
So, that was that. I had so much more to write about but now I can't think.
My sesh with Charro was good yesterday. I walked in and she was in jeans. She has no ass. WTF? Really, it's so NOT fair!!!! She said, "Could you hear me yelling?" I was like, "No, why?" She said she was yelling at T-Mobile and hates it and wishes she could cancel it. I told her to get Verizon and she said "I know." Then she said the word "squash" (not the food) at one point and added on that she was playing video games. (So NOT something I picture her doing). I said "You were?" She said, "Yes, on my phone. I was squashing things." Ha! I commented on how I liked her outfit and she said, "Thanks, I'm travelling." Hmm, wonder where she was going for the weekend. I see her Monday morning so she can't be going too far.
I HATE this cold weather. HATE IT!!!
I saw a play all about EDs the other day. It was good.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
She's still obsessed with weighing herself, which scares me a bit because she has a 2 year old daughter. I came out and told her that I enjoy the scale as well. So weird.
We had a good time. She might be moving here in January. We shall see.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Walking 4 Miles to Therapy - Winter Wonderland
Here I come from the East side.
When it snows, I try not to slide
On my way to west 12th, hoping to get svelt
Walking 4 miles to therapy.
I may come 3 times a week.
In the sun's where I'd rather be.
I'll do some talking and too much thinking
Walking 4 miles to therapy.
In the office the lamp is crooked.
I hate seeing people while I wait.
You come out to get me and we go in.
I always have dreams that I am late.
You ask are you having a psychotic episode.
I love the warmth and hate the cold.
I'll turn a corner, south of the border.
Walking 4 miles to therapy.
Uptown Girl - B. Joel (I don't have a name for this one)
Here I come, 3 days a week now isn't that fun?
I can talk about a lot of things.
Extra bucks means you can buy some bling.
But I won't cry.
Where I will come 3 times a week
and I will talk as much as I can
and not obsess over my lack of tan.
But I won't cry.
We call it "Carmine"
and I think that's fine.
I want some stick legs
that I can call mine.
She'll say tell me more about that
And I'll say
I just want some skinny legs.
Ones that look like nice long pegs.
I'm getting tired of my hambone thighs.
They're not so easy on the eyes.
I hope I'll talk in Therapy.
Where I will go three times a week.
Does that make me some kind of freak
I've got no paddle and I'm up a creek.
But I won't cry.
3 Days a Week - 8 Days a Week, The Beatles
Should I come one more time
I think it might work.
If you don't get sick of me
and think I'm a jerk.
Sitting, talking, sitting, talking.
Hope I'll do lots more talkings
3 days a week.
I'd come everyday here
but that be crazy.
Things that I might like to share
to set my mind free.
Who knows, not me, who knows, not me.
Hope I'll do lots more talking
3 days a week.
3 days a week
on the couch.
3 days a week.
When I run I put my stuff in a pouch.
Monday, November 17, 2008
My eye is itchy and twitching and has been for two days now. I've had hives on my arms for 5 days too. Yuck!!
I love my cats!! (Just thought I'd throw that in there).
I have to make my dad a b-day cake and I am going to make applesauce as well. Busy day.
Does this comment, from my mother, do anything but make me feel umcomfortble and like I need to explain myself??
"That outfit makes you look so skinny. That outfit makes you look so skinny, kiddo."
And what's with having to say it twice? I guess that's where I get my repetition from.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
When they left I organized my closets. I was talking to Jen on the phone while I did it, so that helped pass the time a bit. Now my place looks nice and clean and spacious. I do, however, have to dust because there's a lot of dust around from all the work. That is going to have to wait. I also want to wax my floor.
I'm going home tomorrow for my dad's birthday. We're taking him out to lunch. (ugh, more meals with my rents). Hopefully that will get me out of eating dinner because we are eating lunch!! I had to eat enough meals yesterday!! I'll come back Tuesday and go see Charro and that's it. I'm sick of the stupid train ride though. My ass hurts on that thing!!
K, I'm done. I should probably talk to Charro about my post I wrote the other day, but I don't want to. Why do I have so much to talk to her about these days?? I'm seeing her more, you'd think I'd have less to talk about. So not the case, I end up with more.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Now, will my parents leave early enough for me to go to the gym tomorrow. I have something to do in the afternoon so I need to be able to go workout before 1 PM. I need to run, run, run!!
I guess I'll go to bed now.
I'm tired. I woke up early today, yesterday and at 4 AM the day before. Ugh!
I have so much more space in my apartment now. I think I can have a dance party. :) Now that my kitchen is done, Charro's going to want me to have a dinner party. Geez, she's so into that dinner party thing. How about a dance party instead of a dinner party, I can still call it a DP! :)
Can I go back to sleep now? Nope, gotta go to the gym. I did a load of dishes in my new dishwasher. They're sparkling. Yay!! My oven rocks too. Can't wait to use it.
It's so gross out today!! Nasty, I hope my parents don't cancel their plans to come here.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Right now I'm starving. I'm going to go get some lunch (still can't cook here but hopefully after today I will be able to) and I'm stressing over what to get because I have to go out to dinner tonight. I'm just afraid I'll gain weight. I don't want to tell Charro that I lost weight for two reasons; one: because it's probably just a "fluctuation" (as she would say) anyway, and two: because then she will make me gain weight.
Why does this all have to be SOOOO complicated!! I just want to have lunch and not have to worry about anything.
She answered the phone and said "Hi early bird." I was like "yeah." I don't think she could tell that she woke me up. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep, which sucks a butt, but whatever. I was looking forward to my sesh today too. I feel like I have so much to talk about these days. I think going three times a week has opened my talking gates. I feel like I could go everyday and still have enough to talk about. I don't even know what it is, but at least I'm talking I guess.
In other news, they BETTER finish my kitchen today or I will be so pissed!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I was hungry too, which is probably another reason why I couldn't fall back to sleep. It happens. Whatever. I have the "I want to lose weight" feeling again and it doesn't even have anything to do with my weight. I don't know what it is, I just want to lose it. Maybe it's a control thing, I have no clue. It's not like I'm thinking oh I'm so fat, so I don't know what it is. I just want to see those numbers go down. They went down a little but I'm sure that's just a "fluctuation!"
I was at my gym at home the other day and one of the instructors came over to me and was like "You look smaller." My response, "I do?? Thanks!" I haven't gotten smaller, though maybe a bit more toned because I've been teaching more classes. I don't know, I don't care. It was a compliment.
I'm tired. I think I'll head to the gym soon. What else will I do. Sometime I just work out before I teach on Thursday nights, but I think I'll go now because I have nothing else to do.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
We talked about a lot of stuff. I think I was getting emotional, not in a crying sort of way. I think I was just having some sort of feelings or something.
We talked about weight. She looked at her chart, which was right in front of her on her wall, and said "I'm looking at my chart." I commented about "her chart." I thought of Jen and "We have charts." (So do we!!!). She thinks I'm underweight but I disagree, and for some reason, she takes the high end weight of the chart and uses that as what is the low end weight. So basically, if the weight is 104-116, she's telling me that I should weight 113 because 104 is the "extremely low end," which really makes no sense, because why would they bother putting it on there if it was "under" what it should be? (that made no sense) UGH!!!
Blah. I don't even know what else. I might be hungry but I don't think I feel like eating. I think I'm just in a bad mood.
I'm going on a hunger strike until my stupid kitchen is done. It's been 4 weeks now and no one is even working on it today. WTF? I am not eating out any more. I am sick of it and it's expensive!! I just won't eat anything but yogurt. Screw it!! This was supposed to take 2 weeks. WTF?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I don't know, we talked about a lot of things. I wish I had another 50 minutes to keep going. Let's hope tomorrow I can continue. Afterall, that's what I'm hoping for with this 3x/week thing.
Monday, November 10, 2008
- How it drives me insane that she's perfectly skinny
- My sister and how I'm quite angry with her
- My dream I had
- My date
My guess is that I'll save the first thing on my list for last, or chicken out and not talk about it. I don't want her to get all self conscious. She never wears tight fitting clothing anyway so she's probably already aware of the fact that she has a good body (not in a vain way).
The list just grew. Conversation between my parents and me at dinner"
M - "Were you really going to have us meet C?" (insert some strange name that she called her which I can't remember.
P- "Yes." (followed by "why?") "Because you guys always ask questions I thought it would calm your curiosity."
M- "Would she tell us what's going on with you?"
P and D - "No, she's not allowed to do that."
D- "You don't look like you're eating like you were. You were eating better before" (or something like that."
D- "I'd like to meet her. She's Italian."
M- "I though Charro (no joke, she called her CHARRO) was Spanish."
P- "Her name is C."
D- "How old is she? Oh, she's that young! What does she look like"
P- "She's tall, thin, pretty."
M- "Does she have an eating disorder?"
WTF??? Where the hell did Charro come from. I seriously might need to make this thing private!!!
Oh, M was mom, D was dad and P was me, in case you didn't get that.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
I took a long nap today. Felt so good and it was the perfect day for it. Rainy and gloomy. Then my cat puked.
Why does it bother me SO much that Charro is skinny? I know I've talked about this before but it's bothering me again. She looks thinner to me. She has the perfect body and it drives me insane. She says she eats whatever she wants and I just don't get it. I saw her arms the other day and they are skinny, she has great collar bones (we know how I feel about collar bones) and skinny legs. That bitch! (Just kidding). Though I am quite envious of her body and don't understand how she really can eat the way she says she does. It's not fair. It's not!! I guess I should probably talk about this with her...again. Maybe this time I should really let her know how I feel. I just don't want to make her self-conscious or anything and think she needs to wear baggy clothes around me or something. I feel like it's a double-edged sword. I just want to be skinny like she is. It's not fair.
Friday, November 07, 2008
I might need some apple before I head out. I had lunch at 3, which was also sort of dinner. I didn't finish it so I put it in the fridge. I got a veggie and black bean burrito. I just wasn't very hungry today. I did hear Charro's voice in my head saying "You need to eat even if you are not hungry." I guess I didn't listen to it.
I still have no kitchen so I can't cook. What a pain in the ass. It's been 3 weeks. It will be great when it's done though.
I hope this guy is cool...
I think Charro is more comfortable with me these days, perhaps it's because she sees me more now than her friends. She came out to get me and said her usual "hi" and then said (as I was walking in) "What's up?" The other day there was a little small talk while walking into her office as well. Then, as I was leaving today, she said "See ya later alligator." I thought that was cute.
I'm trying to figure out why it is that I don't feel like I should have needs. We talked about that a bit today but I can't figure it out. I don't know why I don't want people to worry about me or why I don't want to ask for help with things or need things. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
I can't figure out if I'm hungry or not. I don't think I am. I've been sitting here trying to figure it out for over an hour. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not hungry, that's a good thing. Charro would say that I have to eat even when I'm not hungry and that my hunger cues are off. Well, most of the time I know when I'm hungry.
I know it's only 2:30, but I'll probably eat dinner soon because I have to workout and teach later, and I never feel good when I eat right before I go.
It's so gloomy out today, but at least it's warm.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I told her that I thought it was weird that I am seeing her three times a week, but I can't really figure out why I think it's weird. Maybe because it means that I need to be seen three times a week, I don't know. I also told her how I feel like I'm being a burden on her and that she's not really working and is making time for me when she doesn't have to be. I told her to cancel if something better comes up because I feel bad that she's doing this for me.
I don't know what else. She even referred to herself as "Charro" tonight, which was funny. She said that she "looks forward to seeing" me too, which was nice. This was when we were talking about how I worry that she will get sick of me. She said, "You don't think I'll be excited to see you?" I was like "Because you're getting up and cheering now?" That's when she said that.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I went home to vote, but it probably won't matter because I don't think my guy is going to win anyway.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
I ate WAY TOO MUCH at the rehearsal dinner last night. Actually, I never even touched my main course because I was too full. I did get it wrapped to bring home, because I hate wasting things, though I knew I probably wouldn't eat it. Well, I didn't bring it home with me because it stunk. It smelled like someone was dropping bombs. I kept getting a wiff of it and was like, man, someone is letting them rip and then I realized it was my dinner. Then I realized I have no fridge to put it in anyway so it would have gone bad. I don't look forward to all the food at the wedding tomorrow. Blah! I hope my dress still fits. Part of me feels the need to not really eat so much today.
Today I have to work out for 9 years and then go see my bro. Yeah!
I start seeing Charro three days a week next week.
Gotta get dressed.
Oh, the best man in the wedding is super cute. And I met a guy while waiting for the train last night. Ha!