Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Seriously...FUCKERS! WTF?? Why did I gain a million pounds. I can't deal with this. NO MORE FOOD, ever!!! Let's see how I can get away with that one while I'm home this weekend. Then fucking dinner with Charro on Tuesday night. Ugh, NO MORE FOOD after Tuesday night.
(My date was fine. He's nice but too old!)
I AM FUCKING HUGE AND GROSS!!!
Friday, August 29, 2008
So now, I'm back on my couch and this is where I want to stay. I don't want to go on this dumb date tonight. I am kind of glad Charro cancelled because I didn't want to talk. I think I would have just sat there, though there might have been something comforting about being there and knowing I could talk if I wanted to, though maybe I just would have been uncomfortable sitting there. I don't know.
Maybe I'll just take a nap or something. I'd do a puzzle if I had one. I'm not going to go out to get one though, I've already been out today, twice. An outing to the gym and then an outing nowhere. At least I wasn't too far away when Charro called. I had only walked 15 blocks.
If no one shows up to take my aerobics class tomorrow I'll be bumming because I could have gone home last night or today.
How am I going to tell this guy that I'm not interested tonight??
I'm hungry but I'm not...
I have to go out with the 44 year old tonight. I have to tell him I'm NOT interested.
Have to go see Charro at 3...what am I going to talk about? I've got nothing to talk about, after all, I haven't left the couch in 3 days except to work out, how much can happen in one room?
My hair hurts. Pigtails are too tight.
I have a hole in my finger from trying to play my guitar.
I have to go to the gym...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I'm going to venture up to the roof. I don't plan on jumping, I just want some sun. I haven't moved from my couch all day and my ass is starting to hurt. I plan on working out before I teach tonight though. I need to move, I'm turning into a big blob of nastiness. I'm below my "Thursday calorie quota" right now, but it's because I haven't worked out yet. I'll be back in the game once I burn cals and get those numbers on my watch.
My mom said that Tibbs was asking for her toys today, which is good. I still just want to be there with her. She's been sleeping in my laundry ever since I left. I did wash and I couldn't bring it back with me because she was sleeping in it. My mom has left it there since Tuesday because she keeps sleeping in it. So cute.
I'm going to hit the roof now...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I need to get my ass off the couch and go to the gym and I just don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I know I'll be miserable while I'm on the machine and not want to be there and get a crappy workout.
Went to the gym. Don't feel any better. Saw the skinny "Carmine," that didn't help any. Don't feel like lying out.
I just want to be home with my cats...
Got to hang out with Sfarky a little last night. That was nice. I heart Sfark.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I don't want to go to Charro tonight. I don't want to see people while I'm walking down the street or on the subway. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to talk to Charro about anything. I just want to sit here. I wish I was sitting here with my cats but they're at home. Hopefully next week they will be back with me after Tibbs gets her stitches out.
This just fucking sucks!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Let's face it, I won't be hungry in the first place...she's bringing me some sort of meal that I won't know about until I have to eat it. (Can we say, I'm gonna puke!) Then I have to eat stupid dessert. I'd rather just eat dessert and not dinner. I don't think people really eat dessert after meals. It's like a special occasion type thing. I don't know why we have to eat dessert. It's so stupid and now it's making me angry because I just don't want to eat any of anything at all. At least I get to have some control over it, which is why I will probably make this peach cobbler low fat.
I don't understand, it's not like I don't eat. Why do I need to eat meals anyway, as long as I'm eating something why does it really matter?? This fucking meal is going to be huge too. She thinks dinner should be like 700 calories. Hello, that's almost a day's worth of food, not a freaking meal!!! Ugh...Charro!! I just don't want to eat!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Here's what I'd like to do sometime. I would love to completely just binge on something that I love, like chocolate chip cookies or something, until I get SO sick that I never want to eat another cookie in my life. I figure if completely gorge myself on the things that are bad for me that I really want, basically any dessert, then I'd never want it again. The only problem with this idea is that I'd be too scared to actually do it because I could never let myself consume that many calories. I would totally do it if I knew I would get sick from it, though never wanting to eat it again might be enough to make it worthwhile. Maybe I should try it.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I went out to lunch today and had Thai lettuce wraps. I love those things. I brought the leftovers home. We ate lunch around 2 PM and then I ate dinner around 7:30. My parents picked me up from the train and we went out for pizza. I was so NOT hungry and didn't want to eat. I wish I didn't have to. I wouldn't have eaten if I wasn't with him. I figure that if I have lunch, I really don't need to eat dinner. That's my philosophy. I don't see the need for so many meals.
My little one is sleeping on the foot of the chair. Don't know where my little boy went, probably eating. I would like to run 8 miles tomorrow, but I'm not so sure that that will happen. I haven't run far in a while. Of course, I probably won't feel like running come tomorrow morning anyway.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Okay, it's not like he ever really invited me to eat with him before, or at least not that I can remember. I did meet him at the restaurant one time because he was finishing up lunch. I told Charro about this and she thought it was odd and said "see, everyone is on to you." I said, "I'm pretty sure he didn't say it because of my appearance." I thought the whole thing was pretty humorous myself.
I ran to my appointment with Charro this morning. It was good, the appointment, not the run. My heart rate was 188, not sure what that's about, but whatever. I had a lot to talk about today. Lots of crap going on. My sis apparently hates her life and marriage and wants out. That was a shock to us all. It's nuts. Who knows what's going to happen.
I liked going to Charro first thing in the morning. Now I have the rest of my day free.
Tomorrow I'm going to head back home to take care of my little squish. She needs her mommy. My little boy cat will not go near here, probably because she smells funny from the vet. I've been trying to give him some extra love because I'm giving so much attention to squish.
Charro seemed quite thrilled when I told her that my thinking has changed a lot since I've started seeing her. I said "See, you do really help." She was pleased to hear that. It was so good to be back in her real office today. Yay, back on the couch!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
He said that the surgery went well and he took out everything, but the mass "wasn't very pretty." He thinks it's a reoccurrence of her cancer but is sending it out just to test it. There was a layer of fat in between that and the bone and tissue, which is a good thing. The fact that he thinks it's the cancer is not good because it will just keep coming back. I just have to wait and see about the lab results. (this at about 1 PM)
I just called the vet to see if I could pick her up and I spoke to her doctor (she did not do the surgery) and she said that Tibbs is a little groggy and in some pain. She said that her leg was twitching during surgery, which would be an indication that she was in some pain. She said that maybe the doc hit a nerve so they are going to keep her overnight so they can give her pain meds. She's going to call me in the morning.
I am sad because I really wanted to have her home tonight. I want to give her tons of kisses. :(
In unrelated news, I feel like I've eaten so much crap today. I'm tired and need a nap. I talked to Charro about nothing yesterday. We'll be back in her normal office tomorrow. We were in the other office because I couldn't go on her regular office days, so she did me a big favor the past two times. I did thank her for rearranging her schedule for me. I really appreciate that she does that for me and I feel bad that she does. I guess she wouldn't do that if she really didn't like me. I think I'll have lots to talk about on Friday.
Both my kids were so hungry last night and this morning. I couldn't have the food around because she couldn't eat after 8 PM last night. She knew what was happening this morning when she didn't get food. It made me sad that I had to starve my kitties. :(
So now I wait and see...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
It was such a freaking blast. I LOVE IT and miss that intensity so much. I'm not even sore, which surprises me because I did a lot of sprinting. I got to see 2 girls that I played with too. Only one played because the other is pregnant.
Charo rocked last night too. It was so funny to see her and I was cracking up the entire time. She had a good crowd too. Check out my awesome videos below of her, I posted two of them. Her outfit was so "Charo-like." It's a very good think that "Charro" does not look or dress anything like Charo because we might have some issues there. Ha!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
My legs are tired. I shouldn't have worked out yesterday, and to think, I was going to go this morning too. Geez, I need to be up to full speed for this game. I can't be the "old lady" there. I love these alumni games. I love it.
Then I'm off to the casino to see Charo!! HA HA HA!! Cuchi, Cuchi!!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Spent my day out on a boat for work. My boss has this beautiful boat so we went out for our company picnic on it. We didn't stray too far away because of the threat of severe storms. It was a nice time though. Last time we tried this we didn't leave the dock because there was torrential rains and tornado warnings.
I ate WAY TOO MUCH!! Lots of stuff, and some stuff I don't normally eat. I felt like I gained a million pounds. I felt gross but I didn't gain any weight. I can't believe it. I am really happy about that. I am chugging water now though because I did NOT drink enough all day. There was only one bottle of water on the boat.
Now, I need to go do some laundry and play my drums for a bit. Oh, I have to tape up my field hockey stick for my big game tomorrow. I feel like I should go to the gym in the morning because I need to burn off some serious calories and I'm afraid I won't get too much playing time in the game because there will be too many people. I don't think that many people will be there though, I hope, because I would love to play a full 70 minutes and run my ass off. I love that!!!
K, I need to do laundry and play drums.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I woke up at 4 this morning and didn't fall back to sleep til about 5:30. I was anxious and I have no idea why. I was the same way going to sleep. I don't really know if it was angst or excitement. I'm excited because I'm going on a boat tomorrow and Saturday I have my alumni field hockey game...the same game where I concussed myself pretty badly last year. I can NOT wait for the game. Then of course, I am going to see Charo, not my "Charro," perform Saturday night. I think it's so funny that she still actually performs, which is why I am going. I have to take pics and video for Charro.
I got a bit scolded (that's putting it harshly) by Charro this morning. I told her about this sort of ED show I watched on tv last night. She was like "Ugh, why are you watching these things?"
UGH...Charro told me one of the options she was thinking about for dinner...a homemade chicken soup. Thank God I told her NO on that. I have NEVER liked chicken soup. Chicken I like, chicken in my soup...EW!! I'm surprised she's already started thinking about the meal, since it's 3 weeks away. Again she said "There will be NO nonsense with this meal. It's not a big deal." Maybe for some it's not, but for me it is. Ugh, I would die if I had to eat chicken soup. I need to be able to see my chicken and make sure it's white meat, no veins, no cartilage, etc. Ugh, it's not even a fat/calorie thing. It has nothing to do with ED stuff. I can totally distinguish what I really don't like and what I "don't like."
Hmm, I can't focus anymore so I think I'm done writing.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
My sesh with Charro was fine last night. I got inside and it started down pouring. I heard the "Skinny 6:10" come in and go to the bathroom but I don't get to see her anymore. I told Charro that I want to be friends with her because I think we have something in common. She asked if we'd be able to support one another (assuming she has an ED) and I said "Yes! Well, what's your idea of support?" She answered by saying "Helping each other get healthy." I said, "Well there are other definitions of support," meaning that I would hope that we'd collude with one another. :)
Part way through our sesh Charro got a phone call. She apologized and asked if she could take it because it was "an emergency." She went outside and talked and when she came back she apologized again and said that she was expecting that call and it wasn't a good call, but something she had to take care of and not something that happens that often. I am pretty sure she had to admit one of her patients.
We discussed our upcoming dinner, 3 weeks away, and how it's stressing me out occasionally because she's in charge of it and I have no idea what I'll be eating. Ugh! I'm in charge of dessert. Hmm, what if I accidentally forget to bring it with me? (I just heard Charro's voice saying, "That's not the point of this exercise.") Oh geez. Sometimes people forget though.
Blah, I have to go to the gym. I don't feel like it but whatever. Field hockey tonight.
Oh yeah, I went on a date last night after Charro. It wasn't planned. I met him in the park while I was rollerblading. Nice guy, but a bit too touchy feely for me. He kept hugging me and wrapping his arms around me. He tried to kiss me but I wouldn't let him. I just gave him a peck and I knew he wanted more but I refused to open my mouth. He kept telling me how tiny I am and then, while crossing the street, he says "you don't even have an ounce of body fat on you" and proceeded to grab my stomach and sides and was like "I bet you have a 6-pack." Ugh, don't touch me. I'm definitely not into him, though he is nice. He's too old for me anyway.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
There's a helicopter hovering over midtown, not sure what that's about. I have the news on but haven't seen anything.
Once again I don't have anything to talk to Charro about. Hopefully something will come up. I really do hate getting all serious and talking and stuff. I don't enjoy it one bit. I wish I could just sit there with a blanket over my face the entire time.
It's beautiful out, though it's much like a fall day, which makes me a bit sad. I love summer and never want it to end.
Monday, August 11, 2008
We had a bad storm and hail fell from the sky. It was "penny sized," just like the weather people said it would be. The sun came out and now it's thundering again. At 6 PM I am going to running so all of this crappy weather better move away or I will be pissed.
I want my arms to be wickedly toned, and thinner. I want my stomach to be concave and my ribs to stick out a bit. I want my hip bones to stick out. I want them to feel sharp and pointy when I touch them. I want my clavicles to stick out too, and to be able to see my "wing bones" on my back. I realized yesterday that if I wasn't so muscular, I'd be able to see these things. I want a perfect 6-pack too.
It's strange how I want to be both strong, athletic and muscular, yet boney and fragile at the same time. Charro would say that there's a "disconnect" there. I love when she "senses a disconnect" because I don't really know what she's talking about but she sure as hell says it a lot, so I just laugh when I hear "I sense some disconnect there."
Friday she said, "I don't think anyone would want to be in your shoes." My response, which received a chuckle, was "I'm not wearing any shoes," which I wasn't because I take them off as soon as I get there, before sprawling out on the couch.
Everyone thinks it's weird that I lie on the couch, I think it's better, I don't have to look her in the eyes the whole time. Sometimes I just want to cover my face with my arms or sweatshirt. I usually get asked why I want to do that, in which I have no response for. I just feel more comfortable with my face covered so she can't see me. I guess that's my response. Then I add, "I don't like talking."
The clouds are getting darker and it's a bit chilly out. I need to do some work. I've been reading all morning and can't stop but it's time to buckle down.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Who needs food anyway? Okay, I know we do, but I just didn't want to eat it. Blah! I'm getting fatter too, I know it.
My eye is twitching. Ugh.
Went for a nice, long rollerblade through Central Park today. Met some guy who wants to play tennis with me. He's too old for me but I gave him my number anyway. Whatever.
I'm watching Italia play soccer in the Olympics right now, basically because nothing else is on and I finished my puzzle. These Italian soccer players are hot too!!
I had the most bizarre dream last night. I jotted things down so I'd remember it. I haven't looked at the piece of paper so who knows if it's legible.
I've only been weighing myself once or twice a day these days. (Ya ya, good for me) Well, I think I've had enough of that. I must admit, it's kind of nice to be not so obsessive, but I'm not really sure I'm ready to give this all up. I mean, what's the big deal anyway? I've lived like this for 16 years...
Geez, I just realized that I don't want to spend another 16 years like this, just as I was typing that. But, I don't think I want to give it up either. It's much easier to just be this way. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. Not a clue.
I do know that I want to be skinny and I need to tone up my arms because they're big and flabby. I also need to get rid of my back fat/love handles. Those need to go now.
I need to brush my teeth.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Yesterday I asked her why she asks so many questions. Her response, "That's my job." Clearly, I kind of knew that that would probably be the answer. I just don't want to talk. I told her, while I was getting up to leave, that I didn't want to "come today." She said, "And you're just telling me this now? Aren't you supposed to tell me that when you get here so we can talk about it?" I thought that was our signal that you have a lot to talk about." Oh well.
I got at 6 on Tuesdays now, which means that I won't see the "Skinny 6:10" anymore. That's sad for me. I wanted her to become my TF (therapy friend). Of course Charro and I discussed that.
So, I have to have dinner with her again, the day after Labor Day. I am so NOT looking forward to this one. She's picking out the meal and is not going to tell me what it is. It's going to be a "surprise." I said, "Aren't surprises usually happy and fun?" She said, "Yes, it's more of an exposure exercise." Great! Can't wait for that!! She said, "And none of this BS either. You're not going to pick at the food and take things off. We're not going to this again if you do." Oh, that would really be too bad if we never ate together again. What a sad day. ;)
So, there's probably a lot more but I need to work on my puzzle.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I am not looking forward to this vet appointment. I'm nervous and anxious. Are those the same things? My friend had to put her dog to sleep today, so it hasn't been a good day on the animal front. I'm hoping my news, what I might possibly get, will be much better than the news she got.
When I got back from vacation I was in there and I said, "I did a u-turn." She was like "huh?" I said, "I lost my tan. I did a u-turn, I didn't turn a corner." She laughed.
So last night she came out to get me and she usually walks into her office before me and then closes the door, but she stopped and stood there. I stopped and looked at her and she was looking at me, it was a little odd because, like I said, she always goes in first, and she said "You've turned a corner." I said, "That's because I was at the beach yesterday." It was funny. Clearly she knows I find it humorous, which is why she says it now. So we sat down and I said, "You've turned a corner too." She said that she wasn't in the sun at all and I said, "Your face looks tan." Her response, "It's make-up." Ha!! I didn't even know she wore make-up. That's funny.
I need to go to the gym and I don't feel like it. Yesterday there were two "Carmines" there.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
My time is changing to 6 which means I will never see the "Skinny 6:10" again. It's a sad day.
I don't think I have anything else to write...at least not that I can remember now. Maybe tomorrow I will write about "turning a corner."
I ate way too much last night and felt nasty. I guess most of it was fruit and salad, but still. I did it way more than I should have. I didn't B-2 back yet, but I got it back this morning. Yay.
I have Charro tonight.
I have to go back home tomorrow to take my cat to the specialist. I am not looking forward to what he is going to say. I can't even think about it, yet I can't stop thinking about it. Ugh!
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Now I'm home and have weighed myself on Bertha. I will continue to weigh myself while I am home. I like having a scale. I need my scale. I don't know why it was so much easier to not have it while I was away and to not weigh myself. I just can't seem to do it here. I need to be able to weigh myself. See, maybe I should move to Europe!
The specialist called me today about my cat, but I wasn't able to answer my phone. He left a message saying he would call back and if I didn't hear back from him to call him on Monday. Ugh, I don't want to deal with any of this. The lump just keeps getting bigger. The thought of anything happening to my baby is just horrible. They said the cancer could come back, and that it's very aggressive and that it will just keep coming back. Ugh, I was optimistic, and so was the doctor, but I don't know. I am trying to stay positive and think the best, but it's hard because I don't want to set myself of to be completely devastated. So, I'm thinking the worst while trying not to. I just can't imagine my life without her. I hope and prayer that it's just a fibroid, but I don't know, I don't think I'm going to hear what I want to from the doc...when I get in to see him. She just hopped up to sit with me and is purring so loudly! It just makes me sad.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Charro was good today. I hadn't planned on walking all the way there, but I was so bored that I had to leave my apartment and go. It was nice out, a little warm, but nice. I did get a bit sweaty but it's all good.
I actually had a lot of things to talk to Charro about so it was good. It was funny, she kept getting up to fix things and apologized. I said "I think you should start dusting too." She said, "I'm not antsy..." I forgot what she said after that. I said, "If I kept getting up like that you'd yell at me."
I just got really tired. I woke up at 4:30 this morning. I am hot too.
We talked about my sister's beer gut, which she's recently acquired. It's pretty bad. She's always been super skinny so this is quite noticeable on her. I finally feel like I am thinner than she is, at least in my stomach.
We also discussed the chocolate shaped penises that are all over Amsterdam. What's up with that? And, did I really say that word in front of Charro. Which brings me to the beach that we went to (not me and Charro, my sister's family and I), it was Europe so there were obviously a lot of topless women. Charro asked me if I went topless. I said, "yes, and bottomless too." Then she said that that would probably be hard to do with my nephews around. She asked if I would have gone topless if I was alone. The answer...NO WAY!! I get dressed in the bathroom, you think I'm really going to go topless??
I told her that the first thing I did when I got home on Tuesday was weigh myself? She asked how that was and if I had gained "35 million pounds." Ha, I'm so glad she gets me and can use sarcasm with me. I love that.
Ok, I'm thirsty and need to take a cat nap. I also told her how I think if I lived in Europe for a while that I would be healthier. Bye!