Monday, June 30, 2008


I was out at the pool with my sis and my sis-in-law and the girls and my sis-in-law says to me, "Your traps are huge!" (The muscle around your neck/shoulder area). Gee, thanks! I was like, "I don't know why. I rarely lift weights. Ugh!" Nice!

Unrelated to that, I really need to lose weight. Like, now people!! For one brief (very brief) second I thought about "coming out" to my family and just blurting out "I have an eating disorder so if I'm not eating or I don't want to eat, that's why." I figure it would make life a bit easier and then I wouldn't have to eat.

My sis has some crazy/psycho neighbor who is infatuated with her. We're all freaked out about. Of course, we didn't tell my mom. My bro told her that she needed to move into our house for the next week. Scary stuff.

That's that. Charro's back next week. I have weight to drop and that's about it. I ran 8 miles this morning, which was good. I would have worked out longer but I needed to leave because I was already late. I need to drink some water, now that I think about it.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I saw J.

I passed J. (Ex boyfriend) and his fiance on his motorcyle this morning. I actually turned before we passed each other but it was weird. His hair is long and in a pony tail. (Not my type of guy). So, that was that.

Like old times

I'm having a great weekend at home. My WHOLE family is here and it's awesome. I mean, we had a big ole sleepover. My bro and his wife and their two daugters are here. My sister, who lives only a half hour away (for the next 3 weeks that is) was here with her two boys. (Her husband is in Europe, where she and I will be in July), I was here and my parents. So, we are all here!! It's fun and nuts. I love it.

It's so sunny and nice out and I want to stay here with the kids but I need to go to the gym. I'll make it a short trip.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Cat pics

My little boy
My little girl

Cats and other stuff

My cat has a lump on her leg, which I found last Friday night. It has me nervous because it's the same leg where her cancer was in the fall. The doctor said he was cautiously optimistic, but did say there was a chance of it coming back. Now, I try to feel it as much as possible and I think it sort of moves a bit, which I think is a good thing?? I don't think it feels like the tumor she had. I am taking both of them to the vet next month! Unfortunately, they're not going until the end of July. I just hope that this is nothing!! I don't want her to have to go through anything more and then there's the cost of it! Ugh!

I am going to take them home (to my house) while I'm away. I'll be away for 8 days so I want them to have people so they don't get lonely. My mom will kill them if they scratch the brand new furniture.

I'm going home today and I won't even get to sleep in my bed because my bro and his wife are in my room. How crappy is that? I can't get a good night's sleep here and I sleep like a rock at home, in my own bed, and now I won't even get to do that. Oh well. I do get to see my cute little nieces (and my bro).

10 more days...
Come Monday I'll be able to say "I can see Charro next week," which will make it seem so much closer. I guess it is closer. Ha! So, that will be good.

Friday, June 27, 2008

A contradicting post

I'm sure this is going to be all over the place and very contradictory, but whatever.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I know I need to stop weighing myself because I am sick of watching the numbers rise and fall. I wouldn't mind if they just fell, but the rising number kills me. I hate it. All I can think about is wanting it to go down. I know, I know. I hate this game because I never win. I start to get close to winning and then I start to lose again, the "score" goes up. I'm a very competitive person and I HATE to lose!! So, I'm sick of this game, yet I'm not quite ready to give it up. Maybe, just maybe, I'm getting a little closer to wanting to give it up but I'm not near there yet.

With that said, I want more than anything to lose 3 pounds in the next week or so. Actually, it doesn't even need to be in that time frame, but that would help. I went out to dinner tonight and I felt so disgustingly fat when I left my place. I felt fat and I looked fat and that makes me really unhappy. I hate that more than anything. I just feel so disgustingly gross. I felt like, and looked like, I had fat blubbering out all over me. My shirt was too tight, my arms are too big. Ugh. I need to work out more or something. I need to lift weight more frequently, that's for sure.

I will be around way too much food this weekend. A picnic at my house and all the leftovers that come with it. Good thing I don't eat hot dogs, hamburgers and sausage and peppers because that's what we're having. Yuck!

Tomorrow I will go to the gym, teach my class and hop on a train for home. I'll get to see my nieces, which I'm really excited about because they live so far least they are in this country though, which is more than I can say for my sister after July. :(

I think this is my fourth post for the day. Clearly I was a bit bored and stuff

Poetry boredom

11 more days until I see Charro.
I'd be there right now but she's in Positano.
I am so bored, I don't know what to do.
I can go scoop out my cats smelly poo.
I want to lose weight. I want to be free.
From this dumb thing we call an E.D.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I should do some abs and strengthen my core.
I get to see Charro on July 8.
You know what that means? I have to lose weight.

I know that's messed up but what can I say?
It's all about numbers and how much I weigh.
My hair is really big. It's getting long.
Dental floss up your ass, we call that a thong.
My cats are sleeping. They are so cute.
I call my little one, my little "Toots."
I couldn't be anymore bored if I tried.
It's cloudy out so I didn't get fried.
I just sneezed and then I yawned.
I guess I am tired cause I woke up at dawn.

I'm done writing this dumb little poem.
Charro says I'm "shifting." Now that will show 'em.

I want a cat house

I should be walking to Charro's right now, but instead I am sitting on my coach bored and tired, trying to do some work. One cat is on my bed, the other, in the little cat house. I just ate some blackberries but they had a funky taste to them so I stopped eating them. I want to sleep in a cat house.

11 more days til Charro.

You don't sound so thrilled!

I'm in a pissy mood this morning. I think I woke up in a bad mood and then I just got into a worse mood when my computer was acting up and doing all sorts of crazy things. I hit a few times, which probably didn't help much, but I was about to throw it off my balcony. I was really about to lose it so I turned it off and hit the gym. I thought I could run off my anger but it didn't really help. I feel a little better, but not much.

I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight but I got an email saying the my friend can't go until 8 PM because she has to go to the gym. I get the need to go to the gym and she does have a full time job and is training for a triathlon, so I'm not mad at her, I just don't think I can wait until then to eat dinner. (Just got an email from her). She's going for a run in the park and asked me if I wanted to go. Perhaps. I have to see what plans my other friend has, who might join us.

My cat is peeing and it's really loud. I kind of hope the sun doesn't come out today so I don't feel obligated to go outside.

My bro and his family are flying in today so I am heading home tomorrow for a picnic. Sort of a going away picnic for my sister. The whole family hasn't been together in a while so it will be nice. Though, my brother in law won't be there so I guess it's not really the whole family.

So that's it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more stupid crap to write later as I sit here bored.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


I ate soy crisps and gained 57 thousand pounds.

12 more days

I can't wait for Charro to get back. I miss her. There, I said it. I guess it's because I'm hitting the 2 week mark without her. 12 more days! I'm doing fine without her, I just miss going to talk to her. Besides feeling better afterwards, she also provides me with some comic relief.

I don't really have anything to talk to her about when she gets back. Maybe I should start making a list of things because I know she'll ask me how the past couple of weeks were. I'll say "fine" because I have been so far. Nothing really crazy has happened, which is a good thing! I'm sure I'll find something to talk about though.

I have to teach aerobics tonight and I don't feel like it. Good thing I already worked out this morning that way I don't have to workout before I teach. I've eaten way too much today so I should workout again.

I wish I didn't have to eat. I wish I was never hungry. I know I shouldn't wish for those things, but I do. I just need to lose a couple pounds. I don't know why I want to so badly but I do. I need to. I need to burn a lot of calories tonight. It's a 2 mile walk to the gym, round trip, which is a good thing. Then I'll workout for an hour and call it a night. I hope I am not starving when I get back. I didn't really have dinner. I had some berries and some pretzels and hummus, but I've been eating all day. I can't eat too much before I teach anyway. I did that once and it didn't feel so great.

So that's that. I need to weigh myself and I don't think I'll like the number. Blah. It's always higher on Thursday nights, after I teach because I drink so much water, but I need to weigh myself now. Not gonna be good.

That's all.

"We can call it Carmine"

I was having a "sesh" with Charro one day when she referred to "Ed." She KNOWS how much I hate when she personifies it so I rolled my eyes. She said "We can call it whatever you want, it's still the same thing. We can call it 'Carmine.'" So clearly I thought that was funny and haven't let her forget that. So now an eating disorder is now known as "Carmine." However, in a later "sesh," Charro decided that "Carmine" sounded "too nice" (She got it from Laverne and Shirley) so we renamed it "Bernice." However, it's still "Carmine" in my eyes.

Anyway, there is this "Carmine" at my gym. This morning I planted myself on the elliptical next to the one she always goes on since I knew she'd be strolling in at any minute. About 15 minutes into my workout she plopped herself next to me. We both said hi and she said "Your pigtails are so cute. I love them." I said thank you and explained how they've transformed from the "palm" to two pigtails. That was the end of the conversation.

Now, not many people speak at my gym so it's interesting that she chooses to recognize me and smile and make small talk. Could it be the whole "gaydar" thing but for EDs? What shall we call that?? I clearly do not look like I have an eating disorder and she does. She has rockin' calves, by the way. So I wonder, does she know? I don't know and I don't think I care if she knows because it doesn't really matter...unless we could start hanging out together and collude with one another. ;)

12 more days til the Charmeister comes back. That means, I have 12 more days to lose 3 pounds. Actually, I have 11 because I go to the doctor the day before I see Charro. I can lose a pound every 4 days. That's do-able. Do I think I'll really get there?? Probably not. Does it really matter in the long run? Probably not. But, I still want to do it.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"We have charts!"

While arguing with Charro one day about what my ideal weight would be for my height she stated that "We have charts!" Yes, YOU do have charts Charro, but WE have charts too.

Anyway, today I was bored and tired so I starting looking up height/weight charts. Now, I'm about (hold while I go measure myself) 5 feet half an inch, just under if I measured correctly. According to a couple of charts, I should weigh between 104-115 pounds for a small frame. (I also measured my frame before looking at these charts. However, according to this other chart, someone who is 5 feet tall should weigh between 90-110 pounds. Needless to say, I think I'm going with the that chart.

Geez, I would totally get yelled at by Charro for looking at all these things right now. I just realized that.

I think I need another nap.


So, I lost, but I had fun doing it. It happens. I don't think I'll be entering anymore karaoke contests though. I'm done with that.

I got 3.5 hours of sleep because I had to get up at 5:30 to teach aerobics this morning. That was fun. I came back here and passed out for 2.5 hours.

Another loss, or gain, depending upon how you want to look at it. I gained that stupid weight I lost back so now I have to lose it again. The never ending cycle. Gotta love it. I know, I know...get rid of my scale.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Fueling up

I just fueled up for this evening. It's going to be a long night so I don't want to be hungry later and have to eat. Okay, so that might be a bit of a disordered thought, but it is what it is.

I should be sitting in Charro's waiting room with the "skinny 6:10" right now but I'm not. I won't be for another two weeks. I kind of miss her today.

I went for blood work this morning because I have a physical in two weeks. The lady there asked me if I was "fasting," I wanted to say "always." LOL. (I'm really not though). Fun stuff. That's another reason why I want to lose weight. I want to be under 100 when I go there and get weighed. That's the way it is.

I know some people read my blog from the first time and think I'm totally f'ed up but a lot of it is my sense of humor. It's just how I am. (Some of it is me being f'ed up but I do joke a lot).

I feel like it's become a game. I feel like losing 2 pounds won't be good enough now and now I want to lose three. I'm thinking that I don't want to weigh less than that but the though of losing 4 pounds sounds nice too. I know I shouldn't lose "that much." I don't really know what's going on with me right now, but I really like number and I like seem less of them. That's what I want. I don't know what's going to happen in the next two weeks and I'd like to believe that none of this has anything to do with Charro being away because I don't think it does. She can't possibly have that much of an impact on helping me control my behaviors and stuff. I don't know.

I guess I should shower and get ready for a long night of singing and listening to people sing. Let's hope it doesn't go until 2 AM because I have to get up at 5:30 AM. Blah!


I'm in a karaoke contest tonight. It's the finals and the grand prize is 1000 bucks. I will have a few costume changes. I'll let you know how it goes.

I need to go lay out but I'm not sure that the sun is going to stay out.

I wasn't having a "shitty" night ED-wise last night, it was other stuff, so you guys don't have to worry. I am kind of having the I want to waste away feeling though. It happens. Oh well.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I'll just go to bed

So, I feel like shit...and no, I don't want to talk about it.

I'm gonna go get blood work done tomorrow morning because I have a physical in 2 weeks. That should be fun. I'll bring my breakfast with me and eat it in the car and then work out. What a blast.

I'm hungry now and I should eat something but I don't want to and I'm not going to. I'll just go to bed. I'm not in the mood to eat.

I can see how the scale going down can be a bit addicting. I like it. Obviously I knew I liked it before today but I was just reminded again how much I like it.

I'm done writing.

I smell like a fry pit

I'm back in the burbs, my hometown burbs. The weather stinks so I can't even go out and enjoy the pool. I just fried up a bunch of eggplant with my father and I hate that smell more than anything. I will smell like fried food for 7 days now.

We're having a going away picnic for my sister, who is moving over seas for two years. My bro and his family are coming to town so it will be nice.

I went to a friend of a friend's parent's house yesterday to just hang out. I ate normally and I didn't gain weight. Okay, I ate veggies and some home made pizza so I guess I really didn't have 3 normal meals, but whatever. I also had fat free frozen yogurt too. So, I ate a lot.

I got home and weighed myself on Bertha and I am so very happy with that number. I'm below what Charro wants me to be but I'm sure that will change anyway, so I'm trying not to get too excited. It's only a pound anyway. I'm hoping by tomorrow it will be two, but that's being a bit too optimistic. I just want to lose a couple of pounds, that's all. I know I shouldn't go below a certain weight so I won't even try to. I know it's not healthy and I don't want to look unhealthy. So, even while some may see it as "unhealthy" for me to lose a couple of pounds, it's healthy that I know I shouldn't lose more.

I was talking to one of my friends who I grew up with the other day. She's a social worker and was always well aware of my eating issues. She seems to think that I "need" or would "benefit" from a residential program. Um, no thanks. I'm not saying that I wouldn't benefit from it, but I don't need it. She said that I need more help than what I am getting. I told her that if I really wanted to change then I could and do it with Charro. I need to go back and read the conversation we had. I told her I was going to save it so I could go back and look at it.

I need a nap. I haven't been getting much sleep because I keep waking up so early because the sun is beaming into my apartment. I love the sun, just not at 6 AM.

Okay, I will probably write more later because I have a lot of thoughts in my head.

Train time

I have a lot of things I want to write about, but I don't have time now. I have a train to catch. It will have to wait til later.

Only 15 days until Charro is back. I'm doing fine without her, though I suspected I would do fine without her.

Be back later

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The burbs

I'm getting ready to head to "the burbs" with one of my friends. Now, she knows I have some eating "issues," however, her friend who invited me along and whom I've never met doesn't know anything. So, I have act normal today. Scary thing is, I'm sure there is going to be some sort of meal there and I don't know what it is. Ugh. What if it's burgers and dogs? I don't eat those. Oh well, I'll throw a protein bar in my bag. I hate weird situations.

I made brownies last night and they look like doody. Um, first time cooking in this oven and I'm sort of embarrassed to bring them. They seem a bit rubbery, if that's possible.

So we're all going for a run when we get there. I'm sure if I can run, actually. I'll see how my head feels. Right now it seems fine, but who knows. I don't want to do anything that I shouldn't be doing. I don't want to hurt myself.

Okay, I need to pack.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I need curtains

The sun is killing me. I cannot sleep in the morning because it's too bright in my apartment. I have blinds (they were here when I moved in), but they're not cutting it. It's not like I can get curtains for the whole south side of my wall and it's not like I can afford to do that either. The curtains from my old place wouldn't work here. I need sleep!!

My date was fine. He's too short. He's maybe 5'2" because he wasn't much taller than I am. Dinner was fine. I didn't gain weight and we shared a salad and then he got chicken parm. and I ate a little bit of the macaroni and then we shared an eggplant rollatini appetizer, so we each had one of those. So basically, I didn't really eat much because it was mostly salad and a few bites of the other things. I still felt like I ate a lot though. He suggested going for ice cream after but I was full.

Now I'm tired and my neck is sore and I don't know why it's sore. Oh, there was no kiss either, thank God!! Still worried about my little Squishes leg too. :(

Friday, June 20, 2008

It was fine

My date was fine. I got home and felt a lump on my cats leg and that sort of has thrown me for the night. I just examined it though and it seems to not hard like a rock and it sort of moves, which I think is a good thing. It doesn't feel like the lump I felt when she had her cancer. This lump is definitely new though, but maybe it's scar tissue. But scar tissue 8 months after surgery?? Ugh, I can't take more stress and worry with this cat. I will die if any thing's wrong with her. I'm positive that she's okay though. She's going to the vet next month. Like I said, this doesn't feel like it did last time.

Getting ready for dinner

I'm already feeling too fat and I have to go out to dinner and be, or act, "normal." I really just want to go running. I really just need to lose weight and will do that. I promise. (That is a promise to myself, by the way). I just hate how fat I feel and look and that needs to change.

I'm sure I'll write after my dinner date tonight. I should be home pretty early, I hope.

My head feels good. We'll see how I feel after I teach and workout tomorrow. Hopefully it will be fine.

A dinner date (not with Charro)

I have a date tonight with this guy. Nice guy, but he has a couple of strikes against him so I know there could only be a friendship out of this, which is fine with me. He's like 5 inches tall, he's 13 years older than I am, and Jewish, so I'll go and have a good time and hope I gain a new friend out of it. Now, I know that I am short and all those tall ladies out there get mad when short girls like the tall guys, but what can I say...a man who is 5'4" tall just isn't going to do it for me. The age thing is huge for me too. As for the religion thing, I'm not though most religious person on the planet, but I would prefer a Christian boy.

So, dinner with him tonight at this Italian restaurant. I've scoped out the menu and there are a lot of things that I like on it. It's going to be hard for me to decide.

Yesterday, while lying out on the roof, I met this guy name Ed. He asked if I wanted to go out sometime. Now, I did not realize his name until this morning when my mom typed it. I was like "Ed!!!" That could be a it confusing when talking to Charro. I'd be like "Ed and I went for a run in the park" or "Ed and I had a long conversation today." Now, I do NOT refer to an eating disorder as a person named "ED," but she likes to, though we've since changed the name to "Carmine/Bernice." So, I can see this being very confusing for her. It could be pretty funny. HA HA! I think it is. Ed and I met while I was pretty much naked, so there's not much left to see. Lol.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I really love this

What is this crapola about me getting fatter and fatter and fatter?? I need to be able to really work out. Fuck this dumb concussion business. Ugh! What a pain in my big ass!! I can't stand weight and I need to lose it and lose it in the next two weeks. That's the plan, stan. I don't really have any food in my apartment and I need to keep it that way. Why do I hate this so much?? Why can't I just lose 4 lbs??? I don't know where it comes from, it just appears out of nowhere and it needs to GO AWAY!!! It's horrible. If I secluded myself from everyone then I wouldn't have to eat. Too bad I have a date tomorrow and will have to eat.

Food sucks!! It just makes me fatter. Yes, I do know we need food to live and I do want to keep living, but I just want to be skinny. It's not a question of whether or not I think I deserve food. Of course I deserve it, I just don't want it. I don't think I should be eating. I feel when people see me eat they look at me and think "She should not be eating!!" I don't like to eat outside by myself for that reason. People will see me and think that. I don't know why I care but I do.

Huge diet needs to start tomorrow. Like, seriously cut back on the food intake. I'm going to the gym and working out. I won't run or bounce, but I will workout because I need to burn calories. I know I should rest my head but I can't. I think I felt better tonight after getting out and moving around a bouncing though. That is bad.


I'm starting to fall into the "I dont want to see Charro anymore" state of mind. I just want to be able to lose weight and that's not possible when I see her. I don't have to help accountable for anything right now, while I'm not going, and it's kind of nice. I can do what I want and I need to start by losing some serious poundage.

One more

I played with this picture a little. I like it like this.

My head hurts. I went for a walk in the park with my friend J. It was so nice out. I have a headache and I need a nap. I'm hoping my headache is from lack of sleep, the sun and female stuff. I'm so in denial that it may be from hitting my head because I did NOT hit it hard. It's driving me crazy that I really could have gotten a concussion from that. Ugh. It's depressing me.

I need to work, take a nap while lying out, and then go to the gym and teach. I will take it easy teaching. No bouncing!

My morning

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I need a helmet

I didn't think it was really possible, but I'm starting to believe that I really did get another concussion on Sunday. Ugh, seriously, how is that even possible?? I bumped heads with my nephew, we didn't even hit hard but maybe it was in the right spot. I got headache after and then felt weird on Monday and Tuesday. Not too bad, but not "normal," ya know? I'm clearly more susceptible to concussions after having so many in the past year or two.

Anyway, it makes me want to cry because I can't do things full out and I can't go play field hockey tonight, which I was so looking forward too. I know you guys care about me and are worried, but you can save the "You should really go to the doctor, Palm" comments because I know what I need to do and I'm doing it. I'm taking it easy and taking care of myself. Thanks for your concerns though. I do love ya all.

I HATE not being able to go full out and do things. I HATE IT!!! I'll take it easy. I'll take a nap today. That's all.

By the way, I'm still 3000 pounds, maybe 4000!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It's official...

I weigh 3 thousand pounds and I am NOT happy about it. Now we know what has to be done!!

Vacation for everyone

I would have seen Charro tonight but I didn't. I'm fine, as I suspected I'd be. I think I kind of like this vacation because it gives me a vacation. I feel like I don't really have to do anything. Maybe that's not such a good thing, but I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to backwards in anyway during the next three weeks, I don't have any plans to. I don't really know how much going to see Charro really makes a difference with that anyway, other than the fact that I have someone whom I need to report to about things. (I'm NOT saying that she doesn't help me. That's not what I mean at all!) I just feel like I don't have to work on anything with her gone, and I know that's probably not the way it should be at all. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to lose weight during this time either. I'm just afraid she'll notice.

I'm also saving a ton of money with her being away. That's one major positive. (Trying to look at the positives here.) She comes back and then two weeks later I head out for a little European tour.

I haven't had much of an appetite the past few days. It's either because I hit my head or because I'm never hungry before I get my period...which might come one of these days. No one really knows. I don't mind the not being hungry thing. I thought I was going to get away without eating dinner tonight because I was so not hungry, but now I'm starving so I will eat. (No need to yell at me ladies!)

I'm tired and need to go to bed early because I have to teach early. I need my dinner to arrive so I can eat and go to bed, which I so do NOT want to do. Ugh!! Charro always says "Eating late at night is a myth when it comes to gaining weight." Oh yeah? My scale tends to disagree!!

Feel like I'm gonna boot because I just ate 2 pieces of pizza (no cheese). Way too full now!

Too tired for a title

I'm about to head to the gym. I'm kind of dehydrated from yesterday so I need to down a ton of water. I weigh two pounds more than I should, 4 lbs more than I want to. I'm sure it has lots to do with water right now, but I still want it to go away.

So now I must head to the gym. I don't really feel like it because I'd like to still be lying in bed but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Time for sleep

Definitely weigh too much right now. Oh well. It will go better!

My head hurts a little. It could be once of three things: My nephew and I hit heads, I ran 8 miles and am dehydrated, or I have a PMS headache. Probably a combo of 1 and 3.

Bed time and weigh in time.

It's been a few days

I burned the roof of my mouth yesterday on a bean. How annoying!

Father's day was nice. I love my Daddy!!!! :) I got off the train and there was monsoonal rains. Ugh!! I got drenched in the sprint to my sister's car.

My mom gave my dad a Wii and he's loving it. He just informed me that he has a sore cheek (butt) from bowling. LOL.

I ran 8 miles this morning. It felt good but I might be a little dizzy right now. Here's the problem, my nephew and I hit heads yesterday, no hard, but I did get a headache. Ugh, my stupid head. Actually, I got my concussion (the 2nd in the bunch of three) last year at this time. The run was good though. One of the ladies at the gym said "You keep getting smaller on us." Um, I don't think so. I was like "No I don't." Really, I'm not getting any smaller people.

So, that's about it for now. Been thinking a lot, as usual but haven't had time to write. It's probably FFJ material anyway.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

A few things before bedtime

I turned my computer on because I thought I wanted to blog, but now I just want to go to bed.

I wanted to have B-Sat after the dinner party. Not like I really ate all that much, but it was late and I shouldn't have eaten.

I gained a pound, though I know it's not "real" weight, I still want it off.

I like being able to see my ribs stick out. I'd like to keep it that way. Actually, I'd like to be able to see them better.

Goodnight...or good morning I should say.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Snack time

I ate 43 snacks at 6PM, because I was starving, and now I have to go to a dinner party and eat with people I don't know when I'm not hungry anymore. Maybe if I had a "real" lunch I wouldn't have been hungry. Oh well. It is what it is.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Which way at the fork?

I had my last sesh with Charro until July 8th. Let's face it, that sucks but I'll be fine. I'm so torn and my mind switches from one thing to the next when it comes to this. ("this" will be explained in a second). So much of me is so over this stupid way of life and wants to just be done with it (at times). So much of me is also so focused on just losing weight (at times). So, which way do I go? One minute I'll want one thing and then next I want the other.

Last night I was starving but didn't know what to eat and was afraid to eat because I didn't want to gain weight. Ten minutes ago I was walking down the street thinking how sick I am of this stupid "disorder" yet the thought of food still scares me.

Charro wants me to challenge myself with a meal. She wanted me to do that before today, which I sort of did. While I was getting my panini that day, I thought of something that would really "challenge" me; well, more like freak the hell out of me...a veggie burger from this restaurant in town. As I said to Charro, and she quoted me on it, "It's the best veggie burger in the world!" I've only eaten it a few times and I've never finished it and never eaten it with the bun. Honestly, I don't think I could finish it or eat it with the bun. She said I could eat the whole burger, minus the bun, and have a side dish, but I don't see that happening. She said I should go there and eat with a friend, someone who doesn't know about my ed. I wouldn't want anyone to see me in that position. If I went with a friend that doesn't know then they'd probably never pick up on my mood and how I was feeling during and after, but I don't think I could eat the whole thing, that's for sure. I told her that I really needed to eat it and then see her. We tried to figure out how that would be possible, but it's really not unless I go sit in the restaurant by myself and eat the stupid veggie burger, which isn't going to happen. I feel gross after eating half of it, never mind the whole thing. I would be FREAKING!!!

My sesh today was good though. I told her I was sad that she was leaving. She asked if I was going to miss her and I said yes. She said, "I'll miss you too." Um, I don't really buy that one. I must have said something because she responded by saying "We see each other a lot now." I was like "Yeah, I'm sure you get really excited when I come in and am like YES, Palm is coming today (with a fist pump)." She was like "What was that?" I don't know. She'll be having a grand ole time and won't even be thinking about work, and she shouldn't be. I will be here bored, with nothing else to do or think about.

I'm tired. I'll think of more later.

What? An emotion?

I'm sad (Ooh, yes, I did just have an emotion) that today is the last day I will see Charro for 25 days. Lucky girl is going on a nice vaca. I know I'm going to be just fine, and I'm not concerned about that at all, but I'm going to miss going and talking to her. Besides feeling better, she is pretty friggen funny sometimes.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Oh well...

I'm hungry and I don't know what I want to eat and I don't have anything to eat anyway. I want a cucumber and salad dressing.



If I wasn't freaking disordered I could get whatever I want to and eat it and not care. This sucks!! I hate this right now.

Everyone is happier, even B-2

I think the consensus is that everyone is happier in my new place. Me, my cats, and even B-2 (my scale). I am not inhaling nasty cigarette smoke anymore and neither are my cats. My little squish is playing with her toys at night and not gnawing at her leg anymore. My bugs is sitting in the window sill and going outside way too much. B-2 is giving me accurate readings (and lower ones too, I might add) which also adds to my happiness! :) YAY!!! Now, if those numbers could just go a little lower I'd be all set, though I feel nastily fat right now so who knows how much those number really matter. It's not jumping like 3 pounds in a second. Yay for consistency!!

The vacation (not mine)

Charro leaves tomorrow for her 3 weeks vacation. That's 25 days without Charro. That's going to seem like an eternity.

I feel like I've been talking more and am feeling more comfortable in there. I'm afraid that I'll lose that in those 25 days. I'm definitely no pro when it comes to talking, but I feel like I forget how to talk.

I'm not worried about "needing" her in anyway. I don't think something crazy is going to happen where I'll have to call her "substitute," that would just be weird anyway. I just like going twice a week and talking and I'm going to miss that. I wish I had a 3 hour sesh with Charro tomorrow.

I guess this will leave me with more time to spend at home, in my pool. :) I guess it will be a good vacation for me too.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Getting into pants

So much to write about my sesh with Charro last night. I got there and went to the bathroom. I heard a knock on the door so I said "just a second." I opened the door and the "Skinny 6:10" was there. She smiled and I smiled back. She was wearing jeans and a white tank top. People without EDs don't wear jeans when it's 100 degrees out. Even I wear shorts!!! So I went and sat down and she came out and sat down and then her T came out to get her. She doesn't see the T I thought she saw. Interesting!

Charro came out to get me and I walked in and she stepped into the bathroom and yawned and said "sorry, I just had a moment." I said "Is everything okay?" She said "Yes, just a little insomnia last night."

I sat down and started talking about the "Skinny 6:10." I told her we shared a moment and then proceeded to tell her about it. I said "She knocked on the door and I said 'just a second' and when I came out I said, I was just throwing up." Charro made a face and then kind of laughed because she knew I was kidding. I did tell her that I was kidding about that.

We went on to talk about my legs and how much I don't like them and I even stood up and showed her how big they are and she goes "You always complain about them but they are not big." I said "Look at them! How can you think that they're not big?" She goes "I think I'm trained to see reality and you've been body dysmorphic for the past 15 years." I told her I wanted stick legs and she questioned me about that. She asked what stick legs would do for me and I responded by saying "I'd be able to get into pants." She goes, "Into other peoples' pants?" I CRACKED up and said, "No, my pants." She was laughing too and I said "That was really funny!!" It really was absolutely hysterical!!

We got down to business. I know you're thinking it's all fun and games with us but it's not. Of course at 7 PM, when it was time for me to leave I said "If I saw you at the gym and I didn't feel like being there and was slacking, I'd work out much harder and push myself and stay longer." (I was talking about how there are so many Ts at my gym at home and that's why I moved to NYC to go to therapy because I wouldn't want to see my T at the gym because then she would know what I was really doing, not that Charro doesn't know already. We were talking about small towns and running into people everywhere). So she questioned me on what I had said and asked me why I thought that. I said "It's 7 PM, time's up." She didn't go for that one. Finally I answered with, "Maybe I think I need to you to see me in action to warrant me being here." She said that she wanted to talk more about that on Friday and I said, "Only if you remember to bring it up." She said, "You can bring it up." I said "No, I'll forget." She goes, "You don't forget anything. You remember what we were wearing the first time you came here." I said yes and described what she was wearing. She said "I think something happened to that shirt and I had to get rid of it." I said, "Ya, you were scarred after that first time and you had to burn it!!" Then I laughed and she laughed and I was walking out at this point and said "I crack myself up." She goes "I'm glad you do." I said, "Somebody has to" and left. It was funny.

The end!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Why did I waste my time?

I just made dinner, like a real dinner for the first time in a while and I don't even want it anymore. I guess I'll take two bites just to taste it and and how it came out but I'm not hungry. I guess I shouldn't have had some almonds and fat free Pringles. It's not like I ate a lot of them but they filled me up.

I made stuffed peppers with lentils, spinach and a little rice. I sliced my pinky cutting pineapple, or maybe it was the watermelon, I don't remember. I have the house to myself and I'm going to do nothing tonight. Maybe I'll play my drums.

Oh yeah, I ate some of the lentils while I was making them. That's probably why I'm full.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

A different kind of freedom

I babysit for my two favorite boys last night. My sis had a well needed and deserved night out with a friend. She's been a single mom since March when her husband moved overseas for work. He'll be back for a few days and then they move over there in July.

This morning we woke up and went and got donuts and a muffin. (clearly not for me). Then when my sis got back we took the ferry to see the Statue of Liberty, or as my little guy calls it "The Statue of the a Liberty." It was a gorgeous day, though some would say it was too hot.

After that, we grabbed lunch and they headed home. Tomorrow, I will head home and float my ass in the pool all day. It's going to be 100 degrees! I LOVE IT!! :)

Words from a 4 year old

My 4 year old nephew was lying on the floor under my legs. I was sitting on the couch and had my feet up on the table. He says, "Palm, how come these (tapping on my hamstring) are fat?"

Everyone knows that kids don't lie!!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

The locker room

I left my place this morning already having a problem with the tank top and shorts I was wearing to the gym. The tank showed my love handles and my stomach and the shorts just showed my bubble butt.

Well, I got to the gym and went into the locker room to put on my spandex. (I wear them under my shorts) There was, and there still is, a full length mirror on the wall so I caught a glimpse of myself. There were two lengths of the mirror put together and when you get in between the crack it cuts your body in half and makes it look really skinny. Well, I did that and then I looked at my regular self, then the "skinny" me, regular me, etc. I almost took a pic of the "skinny" me because that's what I want to look like. It literally made me half as thick as I am and I loved the way I looked. If only it were that simple.

I know what I was doing was messed up. I didn't intentionally do it, but I should have stopped the comparing when I first noticed it. I did not. I just want to look like the "skinny" me.

I am SOOO sleepy!

So tired...and shakey legs

I'm tired. I have been waking up way too early the past few days. I don't know if it's because I've had this move on my mind or if I've just been hungry or what. This morning I woke up and was thinking about how I really want to lose weight. The feeling is getting stronger. I hate the number on the scale, but more importantly, I really don't like my body right now. I look fat. I can see it and feel it and I know everyone else can see it too. I can't stand it. I need to lose weight. Really, why is that so hard?

So yesterday, when I got to Charro's, my legs were shaking uncontrollably. That happens to me when I have a tough workout or am really excited about something. It only happens if I have my legs or feet at a certain angle, if I change positions, they will stop shaking. It used to happen a lot when I was playing lacrosse. I even remember it happening when I was a kid, riding my bike.

Anyway, I ran a little to her office (in my flip flops) in hopes that I'd have time to stop and get a bottle of water, but I ran out of time. I was like do I allow time for me to pee or get a water? I went for the bathroom because I knew she'd have water in her office. My legs were shaking in the bathroom and when sat in the waiting room and then when I got into her office. I had to say something because it was kind of obvious. She asked if it hurt, but it doesn't.

My sis is coming today and I need to get into a bit of a better mood. I think I'm just really tired and hating my body. I do love my apartment though.

Friday, June 06, 2008

And...I'm in!

So, it's 11 PM and it's been a hectic day. It started off with my friend and I carrying my two cats, in one carrier, and the litter box over 5 blocks. It was NOT light!! Then the movers came. I moved. I unpacked a bit and then showered and went to Charro. Came back, cleaned my shower (I showered next door), unpacked some more...and some more...went to get food out of my old fridge, talked to my neighbor, packed my suitcase up with food (mostly salad dressings, butter sprays and terriaki sauces), met two guys and talked to them for a while, (one was cute), unpacked some more and now here I am. I am wiped!! I'm hungry too and that's not good, I know. I did have a Dannon light and fit yogurt at 10:30 though. (still hungry). I am so tired I just need to go to bed.

My sis is coming tomorrow with the boys and it's going to be 95 degrees. I have to teach a class in the morning and then we're going to organize some more. I love my new place and I think my cats do too!! :)

I'll have to catch up with blogs on Sunday night. Have a good weekend!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Kind of sad

I'm kind of sad to be leaving my little apartment. Minus the smoker and the roaches, I like this apartment. It's cute. I am moving into a much nicer place, and I'll be next to one of my best friends, but I'm still kind of sad. I'm going to miss my neighbors whom I've become pretty good friends with. Our cats like to play too.

[Geez] I'm really tired. Waiting for my neighbor to stop by so I can't go to sleep yet. :(

Moving again

So I'm moving tomorrow. No more smoker!!! I worry about the trauma I will cause my cats, mostly my little squish. Packing sucks, though I think I'm pretty much done with it, except for the few things I have to do tomorrow morning when I wake up. The movers are coming at 9:30. I need to get my cats over to my new place before they come because I feel like that will be less traumatic.

I'm tired from waking up at 4:30 this morning. I am heading to the gym at 5 so I can get at least 45 minutes of cardio in before I teach class tonight, then I will come home, shower, take my shower curtain off (though I should probably wait til it dries) and do the rest of the packing that I can do. I have a lot of bags. Hope that's okay with the movers. The move shouldn't take too long. I have Charro at 3 PM. Don't think I'll get to walk there...I'll be a bit busy. She leaves next Friday for three weeks, after our "sesh." Bummer.

I still am not dressed and it's 1 PM. I just brushed my teeth. How am I doing today?

Hungry morning

I went to bed hungry, woke up at 4:30 AM starving and couldn't get back to sleep until 7 AM. Woke up at 8 AM still starving. Isn't that supposed to go away?

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Maybe moving will help

How come when I moved here I lost weight and now I'm all fat again?? Well, that needs to change!! I weigh too much and I need to lose weight!! No more food, please!!! I hate it. I am so losing weight while Charro is gone. She asked me yesterday how much I weigh. She was like "I don't even know how much you weigh." Let's keep it that way because when I lose weight I won't be able to tell you!!! I hate my weight!!!

Always thinking

I've been thinking a lot today. Not sure what my thoughts have been about, kind of about everything ed related. I love when I think, I just wish I would have all these thoughts to talk to Charro about because I don't really remember them now so how will I remember them on Friday, especially after running around like crazy with my move.

I was thinking about how I want to be thinner. How I want to lose weight while Charro is gone. Why I don't know why I do this or why I want to lose weight when I know it's not going to change my life in anyway. Why it's so hard for me to just eat like a normal person. Why sometimes it's so much harder than other times to just eat. How did I get this way and how is it possible that I've been this way for almost 16 years. How maybe I should start taking this a little more seriously. How Charro kept saying "It's sad." So many thoughts.

I guess I should do some packing...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Charro tonight

Charro started off a little slow tonight. I didn't have much to say. The "Skinny 6:10" wasn't there, unless she showed up after I went into Charro's office. We talked a little bit about her...again. I said I don't want her to see me because she's skinny and I'm not. We discussed her as if she has an ED. We don't know if she does so it was hypothetically speaking, of course. After that I didn't really have anything else to say.

Well, I came up with something and we got into a deeper conversation. It was good. We talked about how I think people will notice a 3 pound weight gain on me but I don't notice on others. We talked about how I don't think they'd notice if I lost 3 lbs, just gained it. I told her that I don't understand how she's skinny if she eats. Her response, "The body burns calories. That's what it does." I said, "Mine doesn't." She said she felt sad for me. (That was at another point). We talked about how obsessed I am with numbers and control, etc.

Then came the big question. I wanted to ask her this the whole time but didn't want to say "the word" so I waited until 6:58 to ask her if she thought I was anorexic. She said "Yes. You seemed surprised by that." I said, "Well I don't think I am. I eat." She said, "I know you know that a lot of anorexics die, but a lot live too so they eat." I said I know and that I don't fit the diagnostic criteria. She asked me if I wanted to and I said, "No, well, I guess maybe. I want to be....well, I guess I don't want to be 15% below my ideal body weight. I just feel like if I did fit the criteria I'd believe it more." She said that I'd believe it less because I'd be so much further into the disorder. I think that's sort of how things ended.

Oh, I brought the Good & Fruity for her to try. She said they were really sweet. Well, I tried one when I got home. They looked funny. They looked like Mike and Ike's and NOT G & F's. Well, they tasted NASTY!!! WAY TOO SUGARY!! SO GROSS!!!! They didn't have the hard candy coating and there was no red licorice in them. THEY WERE NOT GOOD & FRUITY!!! I think they were the nastiest thing I've ever tasted. Sweeter than pure sugar. GROSS!!!

I love Rite Aid too (Jana)

I went to Ride Aid last night after teaching an aerobics class. I had to get a fan since my A/C is not working. Lovely! It was freaking stifling in my apartment. If I didn't buy a fan last night I would have wilted away, as would have my cats.

Anyway, I love drug stores because they always have cool things in there. I saw some cool, tropical, beachy, palm tree plastic dishes that I might go back and get in case I have a little party in my new place. They were only a dollar but I didn't want to get them now because then that is just one more thing that I have to move on Friday. Oh yeah, I'm moving on Friday. I walked around the store some more and found the blood pressure machine. I always like taking my blood pressure so I did. Well, this is not just your average BP machine, it was a scale!!! It also measures BMI, but ya'll know that I think BMI is a bunch of crap anyway. Of course I weighed myself. I didn't mind the number because I had to pee and I had sneakers on and had just drunk a lot of water. So, I figured it was at least 2 lbs higher than it would be, right??? So, now I will LIVE at Rite Aid. I'm so excited about this. :)

Charro tonight, I will walk there. I have to drop my lease off too. Went for a rollerblade in Central Park this morning. That was nice and way better than going to the smelly gym. I teach tomorrow morning and play field hockey tomorrow night. I'll work out Thursday morning and teach Thursday night. I can't work out Friday because of the big move, but will walk to Charro's if I have time. Saturday I teach. Sunday no work out again because my sis will be here. Ugh, 2 days and no working out. Not good so I have to make up for it the rest of the week.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Feeling and looking

I'm feeling and looking fat these days. I know everyone at my gym at home is thinking "She's put on weight." I know my parents, when they see me in my bikini are thinking "She's put on weight." I don't like it. I see it! I feel it.

Okay, I've put on 2-3 pounds since being at my lowest in December. Truly, I would like to get back there. It's not a big deal and I don't think anyone but I would notice if I did lose the weight. Most importantly, I don't think Charro would notice because if she did, she'd start asking me my weight again and then I'd get fired. I don't want either of those, but I want to lose weight. I don't like looking and feeling fat. Not one bit. EW!