Thursday, January 31, 2008
I'm tired. Can I take a nap? I need to go to the store so I can get stuff to make soup so I'll have something to eat for the next 4 days.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I'm tired and I have no idea what I'm going to eat over the next few days, or for a while I guess. I have egg whites, yogurt and veggies here. I don't want to cook because there's no one here to eat it but me. I want to bake, but I don't want to bake because there's no one here to eat it but me. I guess I'm afraid I would just eat everything, which makes no sense because I've never done that before in my life so I don't know why I think I would do it now. I guess deep down inside I know I wouldn't do that because I am too controlled around food so I couldn't just let myself go hog wild. I guess I just don't want food around here at all. I'm afraid I'm going to end up eating pizza everyday of the week if I don't cook though. I don't know. I'm so confused. I'll figure it out, I guess.
I just got back to NYC and my kitties are happy to see me. I need to empty the litter box b/c it stinks. I need to go to bed early because I'm tired. (Female cat enters litter box and is peeing. I can hear it). Yum!!
That's all folks!
Oh, saw D. last night and sort of filled her in on the past 6 months of my life. Told her I'm seeing Charro and she was pleased to hear that. She said that there wasn't really anything that she (D) could do for me because I didn't want to change. Bingo!! It was great to hang out with her.
Monday, January 28, 2008
His response - Keep it. My life has changed. I got engaged.
I called my friend who works with him and got the scoop. They got engaged after under two months of dating. I'm not in the least bit upset about this. I'm shocked and confused, like WTF? He was "SO IN LOVE" with me and now he's engaged?? Weird. It's so not going to last. It's a former patient of his. I know how he is and I just don't think he can truly be in love with this girl so quickly. I can't explain it because I can't really explain how he is, but whatever.
Hey, maybe it will work out but who knows. My sister and I are just completely shocked by it. It's just messed up. The wedding is set for April 2009, my guess, and everyone in the office that he works with guess is that it won't happen.
My interesting news for the night.
I think I'm hungry now.
I wrote a lot more but my internet connection went again so I lost it. So now here I am again. GRRR!! I was on the phone with the people and they fixed it. It only took almost 6 hours to get fixed. I was so freaking pissed that I wanted to punch something or throw my computer. I really need to get a punching bag for my angry moments. I always just want to punch something.
So I just had lunch/dinner at 3 and I'm still hungry. WTF? Maybe I'll make some veggies. Why am I hungry all the time? I hate it. I still want to punch something.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I'm supposed to meet my sis and her friend for breakfast this morning before she heads home. Yesterday we went to see Rent, a show I have grown to love...and seen 14 times now. Well, I was a bit disappointed. It was not as good as I remember. I don't think the cast was up to par. I was saddened by the fact that I didn't get the high that I used to get from the show. I guess that's why it's closing.
I was out until 1:30 AM, very late for me. I slept until 8 AM, also late for me. I can't go to the gym until later, so maybe it will be less crowded by then. I hope!!
I need a foot massage.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
This morning, woke up just under 99 lbs. That makes me happy. I wonder what I would weigh on Bertha? 97 something maybe?? Hmm. I want to know.
I've decided not to go to the gym today. It's always way too crowded on the weekend and you have to wait for a machine. Plus, I don't have much time to workout anyway because I need to be around because my sister is coming to town to meet up with some friends and I need to be able to navigate for her. So, I think what I'm going to do, actually, it is what I'm going to do, is walk to the train station and meet her, though it's 2 degrees out, and walk her to where she needs to be. That way I'll get some walking in. Then I'll be walking around a lot all day so I'll be getting exercise. My legs are kind of tired anyway. I hate taking days off from the gym though. I feel like I'm giving in and I like to keep a streak going.
I'm going to do some exercises her and then shower.
Friday, January 25, 2008
My dinner options are slim here. I have egg whites in a carton, yogurt, protein shake and a couple bites of chick in my fridge. I might need to make some air popped popcorn tonight. Maybe it will be a protein shake/popcorn night. We shall see how I'm feeling after Charro. Who knows what I'll be craving.
It's freezing out here, by the way. I'm drinking tea so maybe I'll be full in a minute.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I just got back to my apartment and as I was walking in, I saw the super outside. He said that he talked the "the smoker" yesterday and that he will try and cut back on his smoking and be more aware of it, or something like that. Let's hope that happens because it stinks!!
In other news, I'm supposed to hang out with D. (my old fake "talking person"/friend) on Tuesday, though she always cancels so I'm not holding my breath. Is it wrong that I want to be really skinny when I see her? I've lost like 5 or 6 pounds since I saw her last so I'm sure she will notice. Usually I don't want people to notice, but for some reason I want her to notice and say something to me. Probably because I talked about all that stuff with her all the time.
In other news, one of my cats seems to be bulimic. When I got back her last week I stepped in cat puke. One of them puked again while I was gone. Anxiety issues?? I think I will be taking them to Charro on Friday. We can discuss that further.
In other news, I think I might becoming a bit less obsessive about things. WEIRD!! I'm not really sure what's going on with that. I tend to care less about weighing myself (sometimes) and seem to care less about what I'm eating (sometimes). I'm pulling more of the whatever attitude and the if I gain a pound it will come off easily attitude. I go back and forth though between that and getting pissed at what I weigh. I still think Bertha is more accurate and I like what she reads more too. I'm still hanging in the 98 lb range according to her. I'm totally fine with that. Of course, I have to go with the stupid scale I have here because that's the one I'm on all the time. Maybe if I drive here someday, I'll do the old scale switch-a-roo and bring Bertha back here and bring B2 back home.
Can I go to sleep now?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
So, in the case I decided to make this private (I know, I've done it before during freak outs) and you'd like to keep reading, send me an email. I'd like to not go private but who knows, I may have to.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
So, the two classes I've taken at this gym have both sucked. I'm 0-2. Do I dare try again??
Anyway, I saw that musical last night and it was much better than I expected it to be. It was funny. I actually got pointed at by one of the characters during the show. They played with the audience a bit, (there is on stage seating so they messed with those people a lot) and I was in the first row so they got me one time. I started cracking up. I am SO going back and sitting ON the stage though. Perhaps this week I will go. :) Those tickets are cheap too!!!
I LOVE musicals. I get all hyped up after seeing them because I want to be up there so badly doing that. I love it!! The lead, of course, was about two pounds which makes me so jealous. Sure, she probably starves herself but she looks good.
So today it's COLD out. I'm going to try out a class at the gym. It better be good or I'll be mad!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
It was really nice out yesterday so I walked to Charro, about 5 miles. I had gone to the gym that morning and was going to go lighter than usual because I knew I would be walking a lot but I got into my run and it felt good so I kept going. I ended up running for a while, riding the bike for 10 minutes and lifting a little. Oh well.
So, I walked to Charro and she didn't like that much. My reasons behind it are good though. It was nice night out and the next few days are going to be bitter cold so I wanted to walk around. I enjoy walking and feel like I sit on my ass too much too. I wasn't necessarily doing it to burn calories. I had the time and so I walked. I told her that I allowed myself plenty of time so I wasn't racing there, it was more a leisurely stroll, though the slow people did get in my way every now and then.
She asked me what I do at the gym. I was like "What do you mean?" (Um, I workout). I told her what I did yesterday and told her I do mostly cardio. Oh, she now wants me to weigh 105. I was like "Uh, you just jumped 5 pounds. I don't think so." She's so trying to figure out why I am so "afraid" of "fat" and why gaining weight is such a bad thing for me. I didn't really give her much because I don't have an answer. I just know I got a little uncomfortable when she was asking me because I knew she was digging for something. I know she wants to figure this out, or help me figure it out.
The big news, I got my notes!! Woo hoo. Love it. It's really interesting to see what she's thinking and how she perceives things. I think it helps me to see things too.
On that note, I need to go to the gym. Oh, I almost forgot to eat breakfast. I guess I should do that first.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I guess I don't really have anything else to say. I see Charro tomorrow. Hopefully she will remember to bring my notes. I sent her a reminder email, per her request. Maybe I'll walk there. It's supposed to be sunny and 40 degrees. I have nothing else to do, though I don't really feel like walking, but I probably will. Maybe I'll wear my heart rate monitor too. I just have to take it off before she sees it on me, which will be no problem.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
- THAT MY PLACE STINKS OF F'N CIGARRETTE SMOKE BECAUSE THE MAN WHO LIVES BELOW ME SMOKES!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO BREATH IN HIS FUCKING CANCEROUS SMOKE? ALL MY STUFF SMELLS LIKE SMOKE!!!
- THAT I HAVE NO F'N HOT WATER TO WASH MY FACE WITH OR BRUSH MY TEETH WITH AT NIGHT!!
- MY STUPID, DUMBASS SCALE
My dad drove me to the train station. Well, I drove because we took my car. I feared the conversations that might come up during our 20 minute drive. I was afraid he’d ask me about therapy and how I’m doing with everything. He didn’t and I was very relieved. We did manage to have a good conversation about my work and how I need to find a part time job of some sort, just to give me something to do. The extra cash would be nice as well. Basically, I’m bored and I need to meet people so I want to find something else to do. Something that I want to do, preferably. I want to go on some auditions and find an aerobics job somewhere. That would be some good extra money.
I enjoyed being home but it was weird to come home and not have my cats greet me. Very weird!! I kept looking for them. Hopefully they’ll greet me when I get back to my place. It was nice seeing my parents. It was nice hugging my mom and my dad. I think I can appreciate them more now that I’m not living with them. That’s a good thing.
I frantically looked for my ED movies last night, the ones I transferred to DVD. My fear is that they won’t work on my other DVD player because they won’t be compatible. There’s a movie on Friday that I wanted to DVR at home but I was afraid my parents would turn on the tv and see it recording, so I didn’t do it. I have the movie on tape and hope it’s on one of the DVDs that I have with me.
I guess I’m getting a little sleepy so I think I’ll try and take a nap. Hopefully the train won’t get too crowded.
Well, I’m back and I hooked up my DVD player. Just as I thought, the DVDs do not work in this DVD player. So, I can either bring my other one back here, which I do need to do, or re-copy all the movies again. Blah. That would take forever.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
So, here's the scale issue. I did NOT weigh myself last night. I did this morning, but I never said that I wouldn't so that's okay. I definitely think there is a 2 lb difference between Bertha and B2. I tend to think that Bertha is more accurate than B2 too. So, if that is the case, I weighed in 2 pounds lower than Charro's 100 pound weight requirement. I weighed myself in the middle of the day too, so tomorrow morning I will probably be even less, although I am making lasagna for dinner so maybe I won't be less. I believe Bertha more than B2 and it makes sense because people have been commenting on my weight, saying that I've lost weight, so it makes sense that I weigh (probably) 98 pounds. (I also compared Bertha's reading to the scale at the doctor when I went and it was the same). I'm honestly NOT trying to lose weight. I feel like I have been eating more than in the past. I am, however, walking around much more. I am also working out less than I used to too, but I think all the walking adds up. Speaking of, I think I'm getting a shinsplint. Ugh, as long as I don't get a stress fracture I will be okay. It's really low on my shin, which isn't where I've had them in the past. Usually they're like mid shin for me but this is near my ankle bone. Hmm, I guess we'll see. It was hurting while I was running this morning.
Anyway, if Charro asks me what I weigh on Friday, I will be honest with her and tell her that I'm getting two different numbers. If she fires me, which I hope she doesn't, then she fires me. Like I said, I'm not trying to lose weight.
Monday, January 14, 2008
I've decided today that I'm not going to weigh myself again until I go to bed tonight. Let's see if that really happens. Okay, so I've already stepped on the scale about 4, maybe 5 times, but some of those times were just to make sure it was giving me the same number. The official count would probably only be 3 times. Whatever it is, I've decided not to get on it again until I change my clothes and brush my teeth tonight.
Charro and I have had this discussion about whether I think I am the eating disorder or that it defines me as a person. My answer to her; "I don't want to be known as the girl with the eating disorder." Do I think it is what I do? Yes, completely. It's my thing I guess, in some sort of way. I lost my status as an athlete so I had to pick up something, right? (though this existed long before I graduated from college). Do I think I am the eating disorder? No, not really. Sometimes, yes, I do think it's who I am but I would venture to say that I don't think it defines me as a person. I don't want it to. I want to be known as the fun-loving, funny, caring, always happy and smiling, PTC and not as the girl who doesn't eat. (Clearly, I do eat).
So, that's my little blurt for the day...or for now at least.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
So, one of my favorite ED movies, Secret Btwn Friends, is on Lifetime, but since I went for the cheap cable, I don't get that channel. So, when all else fails, watch it on youtube...which is what I'm doing. It's not like I haven't seen this movie a dozen times. I have it on tape/DVD, which I will be bringing back when I go home this week, along with a slu of other ED movies.
I'm sure this is not the best thing for me, although I don't think they really trigger me in anyway. I just really like watching them.
I got home and did nothing before heading to dinner with another friend.
Today, I have to clean my bathroom and possibly go see my friend's new apartment. I've hemmed and hawed, but I've decided not to go to the gym today. My legs really need a break. I compromised and skipped my peanut butter this morning. :) I did have fruit instead. So, hopefully I'll be walking to the other side of town to see my friend J's apartment so I can at least burn some calories. After that, if that happens, I'm heading over another friend's place to make some veggie chili.
That's my day in a nutshell. Snow tonight!! My first NYC snowstorm.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Is this not the perfect FFJ for me or what?! It's unfortunate that I don't have to FFJ much anymore, just write down what I eat and a little of my feelings. Since I don't have any feelings that means I'm really just writing down what I eat.
Charro was good today. She did not ask me how much I weigh. In fact, we barely talked about any of that stuff, which was my goal. I went in and told stupid stories about my week, like the party I went to on Saturday and stuff. She did say she really wanted me to try an "experiment," to go without weighing myself but I don't know for how long. I got her off that subject and she seemed to forget about it. The last thing I remember saying about it was, "You should video tape me so you can see me really freak out around day four." She said something about that being useful or something and then we never discussed the experiment which means that I don't have to do it. :) Yay!
She told me to email her to remind her to bring my notes next week. Of course she wanted to discuss why I wanted to see them so badly again. We also talked about my cats and if they're sad or not being here. We were both pretty funny today so it was a good "sesssssiiiioooonnn." She did say something to me like "You've been pretty pissed at me lately" and then gave a few examples. I said, "Yes, but I'm not mad at you today. :) Ha!
So, that was that. I did get to walk home part of the way. The skies cleared but my legs were so tired. I don't know how I'll get a good workout in tomorrow. It's going to be nice out so I'm going to do a lot of walking. Maybe I'll just skip the gym. Ha, okay, I won't.
I just weighed myself again, I know, and it's a bit lower than what it was before so I'll just go with the 99.6 that I was when I weighed myself this morning as opposed to the number I just got. This is becoming too ridiculous, this whole numbers thing. Why does it even matter what I weigh?
I'll probably have to leave here in the next 25 minutes or so to make it there on time. It shouldn't take me more than 75 minutes to walk there, but I will most likely stop in some stores to try and find a planner. I'm not bringing an umbrella, so if it rains I'll get wet. I don't care. I hate carrying umbrellas for some reason, especially here. I'll check the radar before I leave.
I'm sure I'll have something to say after Charro.
Now it is. And it's thundering and lightening too!! Ugh, guess I'm not walking to Charro's. :(
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I'm completely exhausted right now. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was worried about my cats and the little guy kept jumping on and off my bed. I think they're getting a bit more comfortable now. They both greeted me when I came home from the store and now the little girl is sleeping on my bed.
I went to the book store tonight. I was on the hunt for a weekly planner because the company I usually get mine from discontinued them. :( Very sad day for me. So, I got one but I don't like it so I'm going to go to the other bookstore tomorrow either before or after Charro. I have to do laundry tomorrow too. It was so nice walking around tonight though. Nice and warm and didn't even need my mittens.
I'm feeling gross and fat though. I want my scale to go back down. I need to run tomorrow and I wanted to walk to Charro but I think it's going to rain so walking almost 5 miles in the rain isn't so much happening.
I need to sleep tonight!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Both of my cats are hiding under my bed. The little guy came out and cuddled for a while and then got spooked and went back under there. I'm not sure what freaked him out. The little girl has been under there for a while. Both stayed in their crate for a few hours until I put it on my bed. He came out and she stayed in it for a while longer. My poor babies!! They didn't cry that much in the car, I was kind of surprised. I just want them to come out now so I can make them feel at home.
My sis and my nephews, as well as my parents, drove here with me today. I'm growing out my hair and got it done today. My sis said to me, "You're face looks so skinny with your hair like that, unless you lost weight the past few days." Ugh!! I can just imagine what my parents were thinking.
I was able to hide B2 under my bed before anyone came up to my place. Unfortunately, my mom looked under my bed to see that cats so I'm sure she spotted my scale. I just feel like I'm screwed right now and I'm not even doing anything wrong.
Okay, I'm really tired.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
So, I'm bringing my cats back with me tomorrow. Ugh! I hope everything goes okay. I have a hair appointment. Not sure if I'm going to let me hair grow or not. Usually I say I'm going to let it grow long and I end up cutting it shorter. I don't know what to do.
I start playing field hockey again tonight. YAY!! I am so excited. I can't wait to play. I actually slept in a bit today so I wouldn't be at the gym "too long." I only worked out for 25 minutes before I taught, when I usually work out for at least 45 minutes before. Charro still won't be happy because I will be playing field hockey for 50 minutes, which takes my workout for today to a nice 2 hours 15 minutes. Oh well.
My dad is making lots and lots of chicken on the grill for me. I guess he's trying to fatten me up. I kept telling him that I only wanted one piece but he keeps insisting that I take some back to NYC with me. I keep telling him that I won't be home to eat it because I'm eating with my rents tomorrow and going out Thurs. So, it will go to waste and I hate wasting food!
That's it for now.
Monday, January 07, 2008
I've been eating a lot...Okay, more than usual and I just weighed myself and I lost weight. It's not like I'm trying to lose weight. I'm having a big, yummy dinner tonight so we'll see what happens.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I did a lot today. I did some errands, worked out, made apple strudel, played my drums, played my guitar, did laundry, watched Super Skinny Me, and that's it. Productive! It will be nice to see my peeps at the gym tomorrow. I haven't seen everyone in a few weeks and it's always nice to see the regulars. I some some people I knew when I went to Wal-Mart and the grocery store today.
I start playing field hockey on Tuesday night. I must be careful of my head. Eh, I'll go all out like I always do. So, Tuesday is a big workout day for me. :) I'll go to the gym and do cardio, then I'll teach strength conditioning, then I'll play field hockey, though that's only 50 minutes of playing. It's way fun though. I'll try not to break my thumb again either.
So that's it. Oh, I got an email from CDJ today. How cool!! She's the country singer I have a link to on the side there. She's so cool. I love her! If you like good lyrics, check her out. Really good stuff and she writes all her own music.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
I'm waiting for the cable guy to come this morning. He's coming between 8-12 pm. I hope he comes early so I can get to the gym. Actually, I don't even feel like working out at all. I need to run and I don't feel like running on the treadmill. I've done the elliptical the past two days so I can't do that again. See where I'm going with this? I just don't want to go, but you know I will. I'll keep it short that, no more than an hour, unless something good is on TV. Actually, there's a boxing class I want to take but it's late in the morning and I like to get my workouts done early, plus I can't schedule anything because of the cable guy. I'm going home later this afternoon, so I need to be done working out early.
[Geez], can I go back to sleep now?
Friday, January 04, 2008
Jana, I asked her why she was so hung up on 100lbs. I said, "I just don't get why one pound is such a big deal for you." She said something about having to draw the line somewhere or something like that and then said, "We have charts..." and then said, "You should not weigh under 100 lbs." Whatever she said made sense and it was a valid answer for me. She did say something about not being able to see someone under 100lbs in an "outpatient" or "small" way (meaning just once a week). She said "I don't mean 'small' but once a week." I'm not really sure what that means, like if she meant that under 100lbs I'd need more than just once a week or what. I won't think about that.
I told her how I didn't want to be there at all and she asked if I had thought about cancelling. I said "Yes, for a few days. I was glad that I didn't have to come last week. It was nice to not be here." So, we talked about that. I told her that I got pissed last session which is why I didn't want to go today and that when I leave in a bad mood I don't want to go back and when I leave in a good mood, I can't wait to go back. So, we talked about that too.
Actually, it turned out to be a good sesssssiiiioooon, minus the first 15 minutes. I told her how sick I am of talking about weight and food. She said, "I think you're more resistant than sick of it." Um, she could be right about that.
We talked about a lot, yet nothing really exciting. All I know is that I'm really exhausted right now so I can't wait to go to bed.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Diagnostic Criteria for EDNOS
Disorders of eating that do not meet the criteria for a specific eating disorder. (Anorexia, Bulimia).
- All the features of Anorexic Nervosa in a female except absence of menses.
Translation: I am NOT anorexic!!!! :)
I also don't consider EDNOS to be a "real" ED so therefore I don't have on at at all.
I just don't want to go. I'm going to sit there and not talk because I have nothing to say, or rather nothing that I feel like saying.
Here's my plan as of right now as far as the weight thing goes. I'll weigh myself tonight and use that weight, that way I probably won't have to lie about my weight. Sounds like a good plan to me.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
My friend and I left to come back yesterday morning (we drove). The ride was going much better than the ride down, where it took us about 8 days to get through Virginia and then the highway was shut down in Florida. Long time to get there. Anyway, all was going well until I decided to weigh myself at a rest stop in South Carolina. Baaaaaad idea. Um, I slighty freaked out. I tried not to show it but it started to really get to me after a while. Here's what happened. I stepped on the scale, you know the ones that you can put a quarter in to weigh yourself, and it said I weighed 8 more pounds than I weighed the week before. I almost lost it. It was really bad. I told my friend G., who is well aware of my eating disorder (yes, I did just say that) and then we both brushed it off and didn't talk about it. Well, a few hours later she saw that I was completely freaking out (and I actually didn't show the amount of freaking out that was really going on inside of me) and we talked about it. I knew, and she had pointed this out as well, that there was no way that I could have gained that much weight in a week, she said that she would have noticed. We also talked about how stupid it was to let a number, which probably was wrong anyway, determine my mood like it did. (It was NOT a good mood). It was just so hard to get that number out of my head.
Fast forward to today: I arrived home and weighed myself. I actually did expect the scale to say 107, with all my clothes on, figuring that I did gain weight (Obviously not that much weight though). Much to my surprise, it was much lower than I expected. So, I took off all my clothes and weighed myself only to find that I had actually lost weight. (Though I could be really dehydrated so I might have really lost weight). I then did a 180 in my thoughts and thought about how Charro is going to kill me, well, not really kill me, but not see me anymore if I tell her what I weigh. She wanted me to gain weight and I lost it. I didn't try to lose weight while I was away. I ate more than usual and worked out much less, not to mention the days that I didn't work out at all. So, now I don't know what to do. I can't lie to Charro, yet on the other hand, if I tell her what I weigh, she'll "fire" me again. She won't see me until I weigh 100 pounds. I don't know. I guess there's really no point in me continuing to go see her anyway. Sometimes I feel better after talking to her, but other times I just get pissed and don't want to go back, like right now because I left my last sessssiiiioooon two weeks ago really pissed. I hate talking and don't want to talk and don't have anything worthwhile to talk about. Besides, I'm so sick of talking about my weight and food intake. I'm sick of the "How's your eating?" and "What do you weigh?" questions...REALLY sick of them!!
So, this is my latest dilemma. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do, like cancelling my appointment on Friday, please let me know.
I've missed you guys. I'll catch up on all your blogs over the next few days. Hope ya'll had a good New Year's!