Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A bunch of crazies!

Anyone who is outside in Times Square is completely NUTS!!! It's below 0 with the windchill.

Are we having fun yet? No!


I wanted to go to the gym less than I wanted to go to the doctor for my physical. I draaagggeeeddd myself there, and I mean dragged. I just didn't feel like working out at all. I went thinking that it would be really quick and pointless.

I ended up on the treadmill, though I only ran 3.5 miles, I pumped up the speed to a 6:30 minute mile at one point. I didn't stay there too long. Then I rode the bike for a little bit and did some abs. I only worked out for an hour, but it was better than I thought it would be. Tomorrow is going to be hard because the gym is only open for 3 hours. It closes at 10 AM and I'm sure it will be PACKED!!! Hopefully a lot of people will just take the day off, but I don't think that will be the case.

I feel like I'm eating so much. I need to weigh myself. I am so freaking thirsty too. I took a nap today, that was nice. I wanted to finish my puzzle but my cats aren't allowing me to.

Happy freaking New Year. (An overrated, over-priced, cold night)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Apples for H4H

I ate half an apple and then I got full so I put the other half in the fridge. That's for you H4H, I know how you love that. You and Charro could discuss that together.

And NO, that's NOT the only thing I've eaten today. It was a snack.

I have to wait 75 minutes before I can go to bed because I have to take my antibiotics. I could be done with my puzzle if my dumb cat didn't keep sitting on it.

Clear blue sky

I couldn't think of a title and I just looked out the window and saw how blue the sky is today...which means that it's cold out!

I feel like I ate too much yesterday. It's weird, sometimes I worry that I'm not eating enough and then I worry that I'm eating too much. I know I'm not working out enough.

I'm going to weigh myself in a few minutes, before hopping in the shower. For some reason I don't think I'll be so thrilled with the number. Oh well.

This whole cycle is ridiculously stupid. I get that. I just don't really know how to break it and change. I'm trying to work on it though.

Shower time.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Puzzle problems

I'm trying to do a puzzle but my stupid cat keeps jumping on it and ruining it. Little bastard!!

I can't believe it's 7:30 already. I can go to bed in a few hours...after I take my antibiotics. I just want to do my puzzle!! Grr. He's sleeping now, maybe I can do some work on it.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A visit

My rents, sis and nephews came to visit me today. We took my nephews to the train museum/show. They loved it. Then we showed them the tree in Rockefeller Center. We walked a bit more and came back to my place, went to lunch, came back to my place again. I made spaghetti because that's what the boys wanted and we went to a Mexican restaurant. I ordered a veggie fajita. I wasn't really hungry to begin with and then I ate some of the bread and stuff that was on the table before lunch. Needless to say, I did not eat much of my lunch. My dad had to chime in and say "What did you eat? It looks like you didn't touch anything on your plate." Ugh, I ate dad, I promise! This isn't good. He's already worried about my weight and thinks I'm not eating after the whole Wii Fit incident the other day. Geez!! Not good.

They leave for Florida in 2 weeks so they will eventually be seeing me in a bikini, when I head down there. I don't think I look any different almost naked so I hope they don't either. I think I just look smaller with clothes on. I hate that I'm worrying my dad. I really DO eat.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Weirdness

Why did blogger send me an email in some strange language that is almost like Spanish? I don't know what it says.

Score!

I scored a new coffee table from Pottery Barn today. These people in my building were getting rid of it so I said, "I'll take it." Nice, huh? Looks good in here.

I went to Bath and Body Works and became a VERY happy girl. They had my Exotic Coconut Cream so I bought 12 of them. A little excessive, perhaps, but yay!! It's been discontinued and I've been looking for it since last December. It was a good thing I went today, the first day of the sale. I am so happy. Now Charro can continue to say, "I smelled you down the hall." Ha!

Then I went to get my antibiotics for my strepolicious throat. Woo hoo.

My rents, sis and nephews are coming to visit tomorrow. I'd rather my sister not come but I guess I don't have a say in that. No one wants to be with her. She's miserable and I don't like her too much right now.

I'm sleepy.

Strep

The doc's office just called...I have strep. So, I'm going on almost 2 weeks of having a sore throat, finally I will get some antibiotics.

I have to go teach aerobics in a few minutes. I know only 2 people will show up and it won't be that fun, but oh well.

I was less obsessed with weighing myself and eating over Christmas. Guess that's a good thing. Charro would say "That's really great," in her Charro voice. I went to dinner with my brother-in-law last night and ate things I wouldn't usually eat, but I guess it wasn't very much of those things. I have a ton of food in my fridge and don't know how I will eat it all before it goes bad.

I want my antibiotics!! I need to go to Bath and Body and look for my lotion that's been discontinued. Their semi-annual sale starts today.

I'm waiting for the doc's office to call back because they called and I didn't have my phone with me so I called them back and left a message, now I'm waiting for them to call me back again. I'm sure they'll call while I'm teaching.


Speaking of teaching, I should probably get my butt in gear.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Chillin' in CT

Just wondering which one of my lovely blogger buddies is chilling in CT right now??

I am back in my apartment. My brother in law and I are here. He fell asleep on the couch. I forgot my Sonicare toothbrush at home, which does not make me happy. I think my rents are going to come visit on Sunday, Thank God, because I can't go without my toothbrush. I went out and bought a new one, but nothing works like my Sonicare.

We're, well just me now, watching Christmas Vacation. Oh how I love this movie.

I need to finish my tea and brush my teeth with my regular toothbrush. I'll write more about stuff tomorrow.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Wiiiiiiiii

Merry Christmas!! Be sure and check out the pic below this post. My little one was in the Christmas spirit, no thanks to me!! ;)

My oldest nephew threw up twice last night. We feared that he had the stomach flu, because he was with people who got it, though he woke up fine. I'm sort of wondering if my stomach feels a bit strange now.

My dad got the Wii Fit for xmas. So, I as the first to try it out. Of course he came over right when the thing was weighing me. That was just wonderful. Great timing, Dad. He said, "You weigh less than 100 pounds. That's not good. I don't think you're eating again." Ugh...seriously, I don't need that. I'm eating when I'm hungry. I'm not gonna sit there and force food down my throat if I'm not hungry.

I was setting my mom up later on and I was shocked that her BMI was really good. She asked what mine was and I told her and she said "T.hen why are you worried about your weight?" I said, "I'm not." She said, "Then why are you going to see Charro?" (yes, she called her Charro).

I think we're going to eat dinner soon and I'm not hungry. I did force myself to eat last night even though I wasn't hungry.

Merry Christmas


Will definitely be posting later...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Thanks sis

My sister is just a joy to be around. Way to make Christmas miserable, sis!

Merry Christmas Eve

I love Christmas Eve more than Christmas. I love the lights, the music, and just sitting in the dark with the tree all lighted (why is it not lit?) up. English is stupid sometimes.

My throat still hurts. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a strep test. I'll know the results on Friday, though I'm sure I don't have strep. I got nervous when they weighed me. That was the first time that happened. I was worried when they had to move the bar. I was wearing jeans and a sweater too, so I know I weighed about 2 pounds less than what I weighed in at. The doctor didn't say anything to me though, which is good.

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm not trying to lose weight. I don't think I am, at least. Maybe I am and I don't know it. I don't really know how this all works and how my mind works and what I am consciously aware of and what I'm not. I'm sure I'll put the weight back on in the next few days anyway, so I'm not that worried about. Will I freak out when I gain the weight back though? Yes, I think so. I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to Charro about all of this, but how? My mind will have no idea what to talk about by the time next Friday rolls around either.

I feel like I should be helping my mom with something, but there's nothing to do.


It's weird having my sister's whole family staying here, given the situation. (They're getting divorced). I am siding with my brother-in-law right now. I get all fired up when I talk about my sister. I really can't stand her right now. We get along, but we're not talking about anything significant. I want to beat up (to say the least) the stupid loser she's having an affair with. (though she said nothing happened between them physically). I hate him and am NOT too fond of her. At least I can get my anger out when I talk to Charro about that all.

My bro-in-law is coming back to NY with me on Friday so we will have tons of time to talk. He's staying over and them catching a plane the next morning.

Hmm, I guess I should go do something. Maybe my throat will stop hurting someday soon. I have no appetite at this very moment either. Oh well.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The "I Heart Sfark" Campaign

Because it's REALLY fun to say...
and we love to say Sfarky Sfarkerson...
the Sfarkmeister!!!


(Thanks to Jen for making the lovely photo)

Monday, December 22, 2008

The epitome of "Just Babbling"

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because my sore throat has returned. I know that I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be fine, JUST because I made an appointment. I'll feel like an ass going in there if it doesn't hurt. I can't cancel because they'll charge me anyway. I could always just tell her that I have an eating disorder. Ha!

I have lost weight since I was last there, but luckily I was there in the summer so I was wearing less clothes. Now I'll have tons of clothes on and boots too, so the weight I lost won't show. Plus, I'm going later in the day so I'll weigh more anyway. She wouldn't be concerned by the 2-3 pounds I lost anyway. She's never said anything to me before. Well, that's not true, last time she said "Your cholesterol went up and you've lost weight, that doesn't make sense. I think it's probably a mistake." That was the only weight comment she made to me.

So, in this break from Charro that I have, I'm going to think of everything I want to talk to her about and do in 2009. I know I need to step things up here, but I kind of really don't want to. I'm happy with my weight where it is right now. She would not be.

I always ask myself this questions, but why does this have to be so freaking hard? I know I have to eat 3 meals and throw some snacks in there too, but I don't really think that I can do it. I don't want to do it. You know why I don't want to do it? Because I don't want to gain weight? I don't think I need to gain weight. Charro says I need to gain weight. I just want to be thinner and more toned. My weight doesn't even pertain to my perception of my body. I look at myself and still see my arms as fat and my legs as huge, so I don't know if losing weight would even help. I'm not trying to lose weight right now, but even if I was, it wouldn't help.

With that said, I'm, of course, scared that I'll gain a ton of weight at Christmas time. Hopefully that won't be the case. I guess I'm not as worried as I would have been in the past, so I guess that's a good thing.

This whole ED thing is just too complicated. I'm thinking of doing a study though. We'll see. I asked Charro about it. I don't want to call and see about it though. Charro knows the people running the study too, which is kind of funny.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Lovin' the lights

I'm back in my lovely apartment, sitting with my cats and my Christmas lights on. I want to keep my lights and tree up all year, but I guess it would die and catch on fire.

I'm sipping hot water, honey and lemon because my sore throat is back. What's up with that?

I had my office party last night. My boss forgot that I don't eat meat but someone in the office reminded him so he ordered a veggie quiche. Ew. I didn't eat it, though I did take a little piece and put it on my plate just to be polite. Thank goodness for green beans and I even had some potatoes.

I wore a pair of my sister's pants. They fit, though they were a bit tight in my huge fucking thighs. I hate my legs. I saw this girl at the gym (at home) this morning and she has lost so much weight. I suspected she had an ED but now I'm totally convinced. Ironically enough, we have the same name. She hurt her leg pretty badly this summer, when she got hit by a truck backing up in her driveway (She was not in a car), and she couldn't work out for a while. Now she's bones, and she was really thin before. I think she looks good though and am envious of her. She was definitely well covered up in sweats and a long sleeve shirt today. She wasn't very social either. Of course I feel like a heffer when I see her. I love that!!

My last day with Charro is tomorrow. I'm sure that will be a quick 50 minutes. I'm trying to come up with everything I want to talk about so I don't waste any of my precious minutes.

I made fudge today. I have to make more fudge. I don't feel like it. I need to make cookies too. I might fake it and just by Pillsbury ones and bake those. I know, so wrong but I don't care right now. :)

I asked Charro if she would have "fired" me during my crazy week of blog drama, if I went in there and weighed 95 pounds. (I didn't weigh that, I just pulled it out of my head). She said she would give me two weeks to gain the weight back and I said "good, at least you wouldn't fire me right away." She said that maybe it would be more effective if she did refuse to see me from that point on until I gained the weight back. I can see why she would think that, but from my perspective, that plan would probably backfire and I'd just end up losing more weight.

That was all "what if" stuff though. Just stuff that I was thinking about and curious about. It didn't happen, don't worry.

Wizard of Oz is on.

Slipping and sliding

My throat hurts again, but just the left side. Oh well. It's snowing again too. I hope it doesn't get too bad because I have to get back to the city today.

I almost hit a mailbox and tree last night. I skidded on the snow and ice. At least I didn't hit anything. I hate that. Gets me a little nervous.

I'm tired. The phone rang at 7:15 and woke me up. I need to go to the gym, do laundry, make fudge and get on the train. I kind of feel like staying her because it's all snowy and Christmasy.

I woke up starving, had a little piece of a Dutch cookie and now I'm not hungry. I'll eat breakfast before going to the gym though. I always eat breakfast. Maybe I'll do that now.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Another post because I'm bored

I'm watching 30 Minute Meals. What do disordered people do when there's nothing on tv? Why, watch the food network of course.

I have to get ready to go out soon and I don't look forward to throwing on a short skirt and walking a mile in this icy cold mess. Sounds like a blast, doesn't it? I'll probably fall on my ass too, which will make it so much better. I'd laugh.

My cats are cozy on my bed.

My new favorite saying is "let's call a spade a spade." Charro says it to me all the time, so of course I now say it back to her.


I think I don't care that I have an eating disorder anymore. Whatever, it is what it is. I'm used to it. I'm not saying it's fun and everyone should join in on the party, but it's how it is for me and it's how I am and I don't think I can change. Let's face it, it's so much easier to just stay this way and deal with this shit the rest of my life than to try and change it. Change is hard and I don't like it!

So, if I didn't have an ED I could go to this party tonight and thoroughly enjoy anything I decide to eat, not think about a single calorie or fat gram, or how much weight I'm gaining from it, or how much I'm going to have to work out tomorrow to "make up" for it. But, I can't do that. As Charro said this morning, I'm going to be "all eating disordered." Afterall, isn't it what I do best? I guess not because if I did, I would have the body that I want. I would look like my sister, who weighs 14 pounds. (I am going to ask her how much she weighs!).

Tomorrow, when I go home, I am going to try on the jeans she had on when I saw her last week. Why? So I can see how much fatter I am than she is and I can get all pissed off because she's skinny and I'm not. I had this discussion with Charro this morning. We concluded that I'm going to do this just to torture myself and end up in a miserable mood? Why? Who the hell knows. I guess I like to torture myself. I would be completely and utterly shocked if they actually fit me. They won't, so I'm already prepared for that.

I already feel like I need to workout hours on end. This party isn't going to help that situation. I have images of my scale in my head and what it will say when I get home and weigh myself. Just when I think I'm making headway with all of this shit, I turn a corner, as Charro would like to say, and do a u-turn back in the other direction. I told her that the other day. She agreed. At least we're both on the same page with that.

I don't know, I just don't get any of it. Why is it so complicated and hard? It shouldn't be that hard to eat like a "normal" person, but I can't even humor the idea.


I guess I should get dressed.

It's funny, I never read my posts before I post them. I just write them up and that's it. I was that way in school, it would be torturous for me to proof read a paper. At least I don't have to with this because if I sound stupid it doesn't matter, it's just my way of getting things out.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

I just went to the gym. I ran for a little bit and then got on the elliptical and my legs were shaking like crazy. They do that sometimes, when I've had a tough workout or am nervous or excited about something. This time was different though. I was all of a sudden starving too so I knew it was because I hadn't eaten.

I'm still shaking, hands too, actually. I didn't have lunch before I went to the gym because I wasn't hungry, and I hadn't really eaten much the past two days because I couldn't swallow and had no appetite. So I left the gym. I left and came home and had a nice, big lunch. Funny, I'm still hungry. What's up with that?? I want popcorn but I don't feel like making it so I just won't.

I have to go to a party tonight at my friend's place. She's from Italy so I'm sure the food will be amazing. I love listening to her talk because her accent is awesome. I probably won't stay long because I won't know anyone there. I am quite social so I'm sure I'll make conversations with people quickly.


Shiites, I just swallowed and my throat hurt a little. Oh wait, just tested it out again and it was ok. Phew!

I need to take a shower and make a dessert. I don't even think I should bother doing my hair. It's snowing so hard that it will get all messed up anyway. Yay. I hope we have a white Christmas. They (the weather people) say another storm is moving in on Christmas Eve. I LOVE Christmas EVE the best!!!

Nothing too exciting

I'm sad that I only have one more sesh with Charro until 2009. I know I will survive and be fine, but I'll miss seeing and I know I'll have lots to talk about come January 2.

It's snowing really hard here right now. I'm bummed that it's going to turn to rain. Stink pots.

I have to go to the gym and do some baking today. I am going to a party tonight. Tomorrow I have to teach, workout, head home for another Christmas party. I'll come back here Sunday only to go home for Christmas on Tuesday at some point.

My throat only hurts a little now, which is good. I'm trying to decide what to do at the gym. Run? Elliptical? I don't know.

I'm gonna miss my cats while I'm gone.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

96.4

No, that's not my weight, though I wouldn't be upset if it was....just fired. That's my temperature. I think I got a bum thermometer. I didn't think I had a fever, but that's not a normal temperature.

My throat kills. It hurts to move or touch my neck. What does that mean exactly?? I have to teach aerobics tonight and workout on top of that. How's that gonna happen? I did manage to find my red and green Christmas sprinkles at a store outside of the city today. Yay!! Now I can continue on with my baking.

Charro keeps telling me that she "doesn't know how much I weigh and doesn't want to know." She then adds "We have an agreement." Yeah, yeah, I know...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I'll miss you

I'm feeling better than I was during the night last night and this morning. I got some meds and my throat doesn't hurt as much. I'm sucking on a Cepacol and then going to bed.

I told Charro that I was going to miss her over Christmas. She said "I'll miss you too." I said, "Yeah right. Don't lie" and she said "I will." That was nice. Come on though, do you really think she's gonna miss me? It's not like I bring anything to the table. Sure, I'm funny sometimes, but other than that she just has to deal with my crap.

I think my days on the wooden file cabinet are numbered. I'm not so sure she's going to let me sit there on Monday. She said it messes up the "Fung (don't know how to spell) the other word so I will spell it like this, Schway, though I know that's completely wrong. I'm just drawing a blank." I told her that sitting in the chair messes up my Fing Swa. LOL.

So I will see her Friday and Monday, and then I won't see her again until Jan. 2. That's a long time. I told her that I feel like I have to start all over after all that time goes by. She said, "Do you feel like we have to reconnect? It's not like we don't know each other." I said "We may need to shake hands."

With that, I am going to bed, though I can't brush my teeth until my Cepacol is gone.

Swallowing razor blades

I feel like I have a million razor blades in my throat and it feels really nice every time I try to swallow. Needless to say, that kept me up last night.

I got out of bed at 6:30 AM and went to the store but it wasn't open yet. Neither was the drug store and I didn't want to walk to the 24 hour one. I bought some lemons and honey, apparently that's supposed to help....not working so far. I need to go buy soup because that always makes my throat feel better.

I'm hungry now but there is no way I can eat. I can't even swallow water. I want my breakfast but I guess that's not happening. I thought of some other alternatives, like yogurt or a protein shake, but I can't even think about swallowing anything.

Other than my throat, I feel fine. I'll head to the gym at some point this morning. (ducking as all of you yell at me)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Open up and say...

The first thing out of my mouth when I saw Charro tonight was how skinny my sister is. It's driving me insane. I told her I don't want to eat anymore so I can have no ass and stick legs.

I think I might be getting sick. I think my throat hurts. It's like the ear/throat thing when I swallow. I'm drinking antioxidant decaf green tea and I'll go to bed early.

I don't have anything more to say.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Why so glum?

I am not happy today? Why? I don't know. Maybe because I'm pissed at my sister for what she's doing to her family and how she's fucking it all up. Maybe because she is so skinny and I am not and I want to be. I need to take a picture of her skinny body with no legs and no ass. It's not fair. The only thing she has are boobs and that's because they're fake. Another thing that bothers me. I'm not in favor of fake boobs.

So I'm not in a good mood and I don't feel like I am hiding it well from my family. I need to do a better job. Charro would ask, "why do you need to hide it?" Because I don't want to explain why I'm in a bad mood because it's stupid. I can't say that I'm fat and my sister is skinny!! I can't really do that.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My sister's a stick!!

So my sister weighs two fucking pounds!! How am I doing with that one?? Just wonderful. She is so skinny. It's NOT fair. It's so NOT fair. This is gonna be great. I can't deal!! I almost died when I saw her. The very first thing out of my mouth to her was "Your legs are like sticks!! UGH!!

My nephews, I love them SOO much!!

A quicky

I'm heading to the gym for a quick workout before I head home and see my NEPHEWS!!! Yay!! I need to go workout though. I'm having that I'll freak if I don't work out feeling, something I haven't really had lately. I think I'm just scared of gaining weight. I know that's what I'm supposed to be doing but it's scary.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Just writing

Maybe I'm not doing everything I can to gain weight, like I say I am. I do believe I am eating more and trying to eat more, even when I'm not hungry. Though maybe I'm lying to myself, I don't know. I think I'm doing these things but what if I'm really not? I'm obviously well aware that I've lost weight and am below what I'm "supposed" to be in order to continue with Charro. I wasn't trying to lose weight and am not trying to lose weight, but seeing that number on the scale is also so appealing. I don't really know how it feels, perhaps like a sense of accomplishment or something. I don't really know. How can I feel like I've accomplished something that I wasn't trying to accomplish in the first place? If it wasn't for the fear of being fired, I wouldn't be trying to gain back these 2-2 1/2 pounds. I think being fired is my biggest fear right now...now that all that other blog crap has sort of blown by.

I don't think I'm "too skinny" or "underweight." I think my weight is fine where it is. I am working out less and am sort of "okay" when I don't work out.

I don't want to be this way. It's not fun to worry about everything related to food, weight, exercise, etc. all the time. I have no idea how I'll ever be able to "get over it." I don't think I can do it. I don't know how to eat normally and would freak out if my ability to work out was ever taken away from me.

I go home and try to hide my weightloss from people. Not like I lost a lot of weight in the past month or so, but maybe 4 pounds is a lot on my frame. I know my dad noticed because he said something to me about it. It's uncomfortable when people comment on my weight. I haven't seen my sister since July, I wonder if she will notice and say something to me.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The big question

I told Charro that I feel comfortable in her other office now. She liked that. She said "You like it because it's closer to where you live." Yes, that's also true, but I like that I sit there on a file cabinet as well crunched up with my arms wrapped around my legs.

I flat out asked her today if she ever had an eating disorder. Of course she wanted to "explore" that. After much skirting around, I got an answer to the question. "NO!" She did not have an eating disorder. I didn't think she did, but I wanted to know. It doesn't change how I feel/think about her ability to treat me. I'm glad she never had one. I think she knows her stuff and doesn't need to have had an ED to understand what I, and the rest of the people she works with, are dealing with.

I don't know what to have for lunch. Let's see; veggie chili, yogurt, or egg whites. That's what I have. Ew!!

Oh yeah, and she doesn't doubt that I think that I'm doing things to "gain weight" but she doesn't really think that I'm trying all that hard. I told her in the song that I wrote and sang today, that I am 2 pounds under her weight requirement. She didn't respond so that's good.

Here's the song...It's to "Let It Snow."

Stepping on the scale can be frightful,
but weightloss is so delightful.
And if I lose one ounce more.
I'm out the door, out the door, out the door.

I'm trying to put on the lbs
But nothing seems to be helping.
If I don't go to the grocery store
I'm out the door, out the door, out the door.

When it's time to turn out the lights,
I step on B-2 once more.
And if I don't like the sight.
Chances are I won't snore.

That obsession is slowly dying.
And relief, I hear ya sighing.
But if I don't put on 2 more.
I'm out the door, out the door, out the door.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Rainy day boredom

I love the Macy's commercial!! It just draws you in.

I'm bored out of my mind. I just cleaned my tub and almost died from the fumes. I think I need to turn my heat down. It's gross out. I hate cramps. This whole trying to gain back the weight I lost thing isn't going so well either. I've resorted to watching Full House because I'm so bored. I should do work but there's nothing that needs to be done.

Oh, I guess I should go back to the weight thing. I know I keep saying this, but I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm eating more and working out less, yet I've managed to lose weight. I keep telling Charro that I've lost weight, but she hasn't asked how much I weigh. I think she probably realizes that it's been a rough few weeks and I am trying...so hopefully that means I won't get fired. I don't know why I lose weight in December. Weird. I wish it would happen for the summer though. Whatever, I'm trying to gain it back so I don't get fired. I should have stopped trying to lose weight years ago. I would have been much more successful at losing it.

I love Christmas specials; the classics though.

I still don't understand how Charro can eat whatever she wants. I mentioned that one again last night. I'll never get it. I told her that I just can't comprehend it. Blah!

It's so gross out. I should join my cats on my bed and just sleep, but that's so boring. I get to leave her in a few hours to do some shopping and working out.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I like it there

I had a good sesh with Charro tonight. I sat on her file cabinet, which she doesn't like that I do so much. I started this last week, but she prefer I sit in the chair. She was like "You're up so high." I was like, "Do you feel that I'm above you?" She said, "Yes, it's hurting my" (she didn't say self-esteem, but it was something similar.) It was funny. I said, "You're going to deliberately put your stuff on here next week so I can't sit here, aren't you?" She said no, but "It will be interesting to know what you're thinking/feeling when you decide to move over to the chair."

So, I've actually grown to like this office...the office I dreaded going to and got nervous when I went there because it wasn't what I was used to and I feared seeing a bunch of people. (It's a medical building as opposed to her office office). I actually feel really comfortable there and feel like I actually talk better there sometimes. Maybe it's the sitting up thing, or the fact that we're sitting so close to one another. I don't know. It used to make me so uncomfortable but now I kind of like it there. Weird.

I just got really tired. Maybe I'll go to bed.

Sandwiched between two "Carmines"

Picture it, Sicily, 1932. Whoops, I mean, my gym, this morning. I was running on the treadmill. To my left...a "Carmine," to my right...another "Carmine." There I was, smack dab in the middle of the two skinny little "Carmines." I was feeling really good about myself.

My sesh with Charro seemed stinky last night. I was so tired and didn't feel like talking. I'm talked out. She said "You seem much calmer." I said, "I'm just too exhausted." I see her again tonight. I'm sure I'll find something to talk about.


I won't see her over Christmas break for almost two weeks. That might suck, but it might be good. I'll be busy so I guess that's okay. The thing that happens though, is that I get used to NOT going and then starting back up is hard. I feel like I have to play catch-up for a while.

I slept last night. Well, I woke up at 4:30 AM and was awake for about an hour. I think I'm catching up.

(For those of you who are too young to remember the Golden Girls, my first sentence was a spoof on that.)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Still tired

I fell asleep before 9 last night. I didn't sleep through the night, but I wasn't up all night either. That's a good thing. I got about 9-10 hours of sleep and I think I need to take a nap.

I just made veggie chili and I might have made a big mistake by putting a habanero pepper in there. Oh well. I like things spicy but this may be too spicy.

I have Charro tonight. Not sure if I'll walk there or not.

My mom claims to have only read my blog once, but I think it had to be more. I don't believe that for one second, especially since she calls C. Charro now too. Ugh! Still don't know if they're coming for a "sesh" with me.

Things are going to get a little crazy. My sis moves home from Europe on Saturday and she's moving in with us until her furniture arrives. Her soon to be ex-husband will also be staying with us, but he doesn't come back for another week. I am pissed at my sister for fucking up her marriage. I guess I shouldn't totally blame her, but I am putting 85 percent of the blame on her. I probably shouldn't, since I don't know the real story and probably never will.

I ripped my thumb nail off with the electric can opener. That was nice. My feet are cold and I need to shower.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Talked to mom

I talked to my mom about stuff this morning. I sent her an email and she responded. She said that she doesn't believe anything that this "Lauren" person said. She's not worried about me and she did read my blog "once." Okay, I might not believe the "once" thing, but whatever. We talked a lot, though it was over IM, which is how I prefer it. I thought I had saved the IM but I only got half of it, and not the important half. I'm bummed about that because I would have liked to have referred to it when I see Charro tomorrow.

She said she knows that she is not a good example with her eating, but honestly, she eats a lot of things, so I totally disagree with her on that. She said she doesn't like to eat meat (sausage) that has white pieces of fat in it. I can totally understand that. Eating gristle is disgusting. She thought she was partly to blame for my issues. I assured her that she is NOT. She wanted to know if someone influenced me and how and when I became this way.

It was a good conversation and I feel better about things. I don't know if they're going to come see Charro with me, but if they do, I don't think it will be this week.

I don't know what else was said right now. Too tired to think.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Mostly for you

Hello my friends! (That sounded Neil Diamond-ish).

No updates on the blog debacle. Charro is calling me this morning. That's nice of her and I feel really bad that she's calling me, like she shouldn't be wasting her time. She's been spending way too much time and energy on me and she shouldn't be doing that. I owe her big time.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you guys for being so supportive and nice and stuff. I know there are a few rotten eggs out there in this blog world, one really big rotten egg right now who may not necessarily even "know" me from blogging...and I'm still trying to find out who that is. I think I've gotten rid of a few other minor rotten eggs too.

You guys are so good to me and I really appreciate it!!

I'm tiiiiirrreeeeddd!!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Why sleep when you can wake up at 2:15 AM and just lie in your bed for over 2 hours?? I'm going to die.

I have a busy day today too. I have to clean my apartment, go teach class, then get back and some friends will be here. They're coming to hang out with me for the day. Go to dinner with more friends. Then go out with a bunch of friends for some karaoke.

I'm wondering if my parents didn't want to ruin my birthday today, which is why they didn't say more? My guess is that that's not the reason.

Friday, December 05, 2008

The drama continues

I had my well needed sesh with Charro this morning. I woke up at 5 AM so I was exhausted, still am. I got there and we talked about I knew that my mom had read my blog. She also was trying to figure out who this "Lauren" person is and was trying hard to help me figure it out. I probably needed to stay on the couch all day. I told her I would be back at 3 for another sesh.

Anyway, we talked about having my parents come in maybe next week. She thinks it's a great idea and was like "Anyday. Monday, Tues. Wed...whatever." She was clearly all for that. I told her I might send my mom and email and she thought that was a good idea too.

So, I got home and I sent my mom an email. I signed off but knew she had read it. My rents called me and played sort of dumb. My mom said "Yes, I did get an email from someone, maybe her name was Lauren." (Rewind...I wrote to my mom telling her how I don't know anyone named Lauren and that this person is lying and that I don't see someone/eat with someone atleast once a week). So she looked through her emails and did find them. She never mentioned anything about my blog or the fact that I mentioned them coming to see charro with me next week. I could hear my dad in the background asking questions to which he pretended to not know the answers to.

Basically I got no where with the email and conversation, other than that my parents now know that girl was lying about things. My mom also believes that I am doing better and is not concerned about my eating. So that's a good thing.

Let's face it though, I know they read my blog. Why won't they just fess up?
I need some serious drugs so I can sleep!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

As expected

My dad asked me about Charro on the way to the train station today. He asked if I was still seeing her once a week. I said, no, twice. He said "twice? Why?" I said, "Because I wanted to." He said, "Are you eating more? You look like you've lost weight." "Yes, I am eating more. I might have lost weight because I didn't have a kitchen." (truth, I've lost about 4 pounds in the past 2 weeks, which makes no sense because I'm eating more and working out less). He asked me how much I weighed and then said "That's it? You used to weigh 10 pounds more." And that conversation went on for a minute. I also lied to him about my weight, telling him I weigh 2.5 pounds more than I do.

I have not tried to lose weight, in fact, like I said, I'm eating more and working out less. I'm not trying to lose weight, not that I don't like it, but I am not trying.


I'm tired and pissed at the person who did this and won't fucking fess up. How do they know my name and how did they get my mom's email address?

I better not get fired from Charro either. Really, that would NOT be helpful.

Boo hoo

I'm seriously going to die if I don't get some sleep. Can I cry now? I'm sooooo tired.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

A bit stressful

I'm clearly a bit stressed by this whole situation. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I'm at my house and every minute I spend with my parents is filled with fear that they're going to say something to me about all of this.

The email was sent to my mom a month ago. I don't know how much they've read. It's all driving me insane. I just want to know who the fuck emailed my mother!!!!!

Closing time

Hi Guys, the few of you who are left. Might have to shut down completely, or at least go completely private. Hope that's not the case but it's looking that way.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Whatever this is

My new kitchen is really bitchin'
I'm so tired, I hope I don't get fired...From Charro that is,
it's the nature of the biz.

I would like to sleep without hearing a peep.
My cats do it all day long, what could be wrong?...not much in their heads,
I just want to go to bed.

I'm trying to eat more. Oh what a bore.
It really sucks my ass, walking on broken glass...could really hurt your feet
Winning the lotto would be sweet.


Seeing the sunrise, again

I'd like to sleep a bit later than 5:30 AM!! Obviously the part of me that would like to do that is not communicating with the rest of me. Grrr!!

Charro again tonight. I don't know what we'll talk about. I mean, I think I pretty much obsessed about the emails enough, but I'm sure I can still obsess some more about them. Oh yeah, forgot she wants to "talk about my parents." I'm guessing she's going to try and convince me into being more open with them. No thanks! Not really interested in doing that. Blah!

Monday, December 01, 2008

My Christmas Tree



Really, enough of this

I was relatively calm about things yesterday, but I started freaking out again this morning. I woke up at 5:30 so I decided to go to the gym because I couldn't sit still. I am very tired now, especially since I didn't sleep well on Saturday.

I went to see Charro this morning and she could tell how freaked out and anxious I was. She emailed me yesterday and offered to talk to me on the phone, but I declined because it wouldn't have helped any anyway. There's nothing that she could do and I wouldn't have bothered her on a Sunday anyway. She said today, "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it." That was nice of her. I guess she does care.

She couldn't really make much out of the emails either, other than the fact that the person was a really bad liar. She tried to get me to stop thinking about it so much, but like that will happen. She also kept asking me if I would ask my mom if they've read blogs or my blog and stuff. My answer was consistently "NO!" She asked me again and I looked at her and said "You've asked me that question 12 times, do you think my answer is going to change??" She said no, but wanted me to think about it. NOT HAPPENING!

I need to sleep. I am going for a walk in 90 minutes and I need to do some work too, but I need to sleep.

Got my Christmas tree yesterday so I will take a picture of that and post it tonight.

I just want to know if someone is fucking with me, that's all.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Someone's F'd up

Here are the fucked up emails someone sent to Jen about me. The only weird thing is that the person knew my name, like what my parents call me. Someone has too much time on their hands and wants to fuck with me. What do you guys think of this? At least the person could get their story straight.

I know that you and PTC are close friends and I wanted to let you know that her mom has been reading her blog for a while. I don't have the heart to tell her, but maybe you do. I'm a friend of PTC's from school and I found out about her blog through her ex boyfriend. I saw her mom recently and she asked if I knew anything about it. I told her that I didn't and I would check it out. I haven't talked to PTC in years, but I've been following her blog- and yours - for a while now. I saw your email on the side and thought you might tell PTC this information for me. I would appreciate it if you would not forward her this email as I do not want her to have my email address. Thank you and I'm sorry for putting this on you, but I know that I would hate for my privacy to be invaded like that.

#2.
No reason to alarm her. I know her from school and I've met up with her a few times in the city. I'm concerned and I want her to get the help she needs. I recently had a friend die from the disease and would hate to see the same thing happen to her. I've been reading for about 7 months and I moved to the city a few months ago. I have tried to get in contact with her since then, but didn't want to send a message on her blog. Try not to alarm her- but let her know what's going on.

#3
I would rather her not know who this is coming from. To be honest I see meet with PTC often and eat with her about once a week or so. I get concerned every time I see her refuse a meal or pick at it. I contacted her mom after finding her email address. Her ex boyfriend led me to the blog and the combination of her behavior and writing pushed me to give her mom the link to her blog. So please keep these emails between the two of us. I may send her an email to discuss the situation.

#4
I was trying to avoid her finding out who I was in the first email because I have a feeling that she will receive the email anyway. I know that PTC has ways of finding out who people are, i.e. going into email accounts and checking other's mail- I wanted to try to avoid her finding out my information as I don't know if she has your information. I would still appreciate your keeping these emails to yourself.

Privacy

Well apparently my parents, or at least my mom, which probably means my dad too, have been reading my blog for "a while." Someone sent Jen an email last night informing her of this. I don't know who it is and I WILL figure it out. WTF? So, I don't even know if anyone is reading this but whatever. This is why I'm private and will remain that way!

Either that, or someone is completely fucking with me, which might be the case. That's so NOT cool!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Fear of being "fired"

Charro and I talked about weight yesterday, and whether or not I'm supposed to tell her if I gain or lose weight? (why is my font funny?) The answer to that was "Yes, we have an agreement." I really didn't realize that we "have an agreement." She said "We agreed that you won't go below 100 lbs." Um, yes, "we agreed." I don't know how much I really "agreed" with her on that, it was more like that I didn't have a choice but to agree.

So anyway, I told her I lost a pound or two, but as of yesterday I was back to my "allowed" weight. It's so hard because I don't want to tell her when I go below 100 because she'll get mad at me and fire me. Not like she'll get "mad" but she will fire me. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm eating when I'm hungry (insert Charro, "You need to eat more regularly, even when you're not hungry.") I don't want to eat if I'm not hungry. It took me a long time to not be hungry, I don't want to turn that around and make my hunger come back. That's not to say that I'm never hungry, because I am hungry a lot. It's stressing me out a little. I don't want to get fired.

Friday, November 28, 2008

She's lost it

I made it through T-day. I gained a pound but it's okay. I'm okay with it because it gets me out of the "firing" range from Charro. I did tell Charro that I lost a pound or two though.

She was in rare form today. Absolutely hysterical!!! I walked in and she told me she has something going on with her contact. I made a comment about that. I asked her about her turkey cleaning and how that went and she said she had to pretend she was a veterinarian while she had her hand up the turkey's butt getting out the giblets. Then she had to go in the other end and get the neck out. I didn't even know there was a neck in there. EEEW!! She kept calling them the "butt giblets too." Funny. Then I said how I was going to sing karaoke at this store near her office, in the window, and she asked me what song I was going to sing. I told her, she looked at me and said nothing and then busted out laughing hysterically, then she got up to get a tissue. I said "are you drunk?" She goes "I think I'm still drunk from yesterday." (She was kidding, of course). She was nuts today though and I thought it was so funny. When I got up to leave, I said something and it was all weird and then said "I've lost it too." She goes, "Maybe it's the warm weather. Look, I'm not wearing any tights." WTF? LOL!! She's not always so crazy. She's a really good T!!! I do enjoy it thoroughly when she is nuts like today though.

So my mom just IMed me and asked if I "gave Charo the rice balls." UM, WTF...she called her CHARRO again!! That's twice. She so ready my FFJs. UGH!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Out of my head

I can't stop thinking about everything. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just have a day where I don't think/worry about what I'm going to eat, the calories, the pounds, etc. I hate it. I hate that I'm worried about this day of massive food...and if you were at my house, you would see how much food we have for a mere 8 people. It's disgusting. I would just like to cry.

Can my parents tell that I'm nervous and stressed about all this? What are they thinking? Are they worried about how I'm dealing with the day and all of the food?

I guess I'm going to have to tell Charro that I've lost weight. I'm scared. I don't want to tell her because then she'll make me gain it back. I didn't exactly try to lose weight, but I wasn't not trying. I like seeing those numbers go down and it scares me to death to see them go up. I'm also scared that she's going to "fire" me. I don't want that. I think she's too hard on me when it comes to how much she wants me to weigh.

I still feel that if I gain weight today (which is inevitable), then I don't need to tell her I lost weight.

I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! Can I just take a nap all day and wake up and have it be over?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Home for T-Day

A bunch of train rides, and a train without heat, I'm home. Usually it's just one train but I had to stop off for work somewhere so I had to switch trains.

I'm bracing myself for the Charro conversation or the "how's it going?" or something about my eating or body conversation. I have a feeling that it's coming.

I was in a bit of denial that I lost weight, thinking that it was just a fluke and I didn't really lose any, but I guess I did. I mean, it's not much (and will most certainly be back by tomorrow) but it's a couple of pounds...significant in some eyes. Again, it will all be back by tomorrow, if it's not already. I guess if it doesn't come back, I should probably tell Charro, though I'm scared to tell her because I don't want to get "fired" and it's not like I'm trying to lose weight. Ugh, this is stressful.

I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow. I'll go to the gym for a while in the morning. My parents are going out for pizza with some relatives tonight (who goes out to eat the night before Thanksgiving??) and want me to come but I'm not going. It's not because of the pizza, I eat pizza, I just don't feel like going out and seeing the same people I will be spending the day with tomorrow.


Keep your fingers crossed that no one says anything to me about any ED stuff. I hope you all have a great Turkey day. Try not to stress.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Another fire!

I just had another fucking fire in my apartment. That's 3 in less than a week. Maybe I forgot to mention the one I had yesterday with the scented oil thingy from B & B. I'm on my way to have a serious mental breakdown...

Staying longer

I didn't want to leave Charro's office tonight. I felt like I was on a roll with the whole talking thing. I might have been having emotions too, but I'm not really sure about that. I just felt like I could have talked forever tonight. (Ugh, my cat's breath stinks). I commented how I "wore her out tonight." She looked tired, but it could have had something do to with her weekend trip to L.A. I'm sure I'll have tons to talk to her about on Friday.

Now I'm in a serious mood. Maybe I'll put lights on my fake tree so I can get my real tree next week and decorate that.

I can't decide if I'm hungry or not. Part of me thinks I should eat because I know I didn't eat "enough" today, but the other part of me wonders why I should eat if I'm not hungry. Lord knows I'll be eating enough in the next few days to make up for not eating right now. I guess I just talked myself out of eating, at least for now.

I'm tired and I can't go to bed until 11 because I have to watch the DWTS finale.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Owning up

Charro keeps telling me that I need to "own up" to my eating disorder. Eh, I don't really think I like that idea. Who do I need to "own up" about it to? I guess I'm in a bit of denial.

She asked me how I was doing today and I said (of course), "fine." Well, she wanted to know what that really means, and she said "I could have bet money on it that you would say 'fine.'" I proceeded to tell her that I think I've gotten a little bit more obsessive lately. Like eating is a bit more scary to me since I didn't do much of it when I didn't have a kitchen for a month. Also that I feel like I need to workout more and burn more calories. Of course she wanted to know "what's behind it" but I don't really know. I'm just afraid of gaining weight and I'm really afraid of that with Thanksgiving coming.

Fire safety

Why do I have the biggest flap of fat on my stomach??

Almost just had a huge fire. Beware of those oil burners. I looked up and mine was flaming so high. I couldn't blow it out. Put it in my sink and dumped water on it (not the best idea) and it flamed up high before going out. GEEZ in a freaking box!!

The Little Red Engine

I just forgot what I was going to write about...

I saw Charro this morning. I made a comment, while talking about how I don't think I'll ever be able to eat "normally" and responding to her "I think you can" comment, that I think I'm the Little Red Engine that Couldn't." (Hmmm, maybe it's just the little engine that could. I think I threw in "red" there and that's not part of the title). Anyway, she responded with "I think there's more in that statement than you even realize." Perhaps, but I haven't sat and thought about it yet so I don't think there is.

I left and went to the bathroom. I walked outside and there was Charro getting something to eat. I didn't see her, though knowing me, I probably looked right at her and didn't even notice her because I was in my own world. So, she goes "BOOO!! Sorry I couldn't resist." It was pretty funny. I was like "How did you get down here so quickly?" Her response, "The elevator." Okay, good response. Ha!

I continued on walked until I ended up buying a pair of jeans, which I planned on returning until I checked out and they were on sale. I have no butt in these jeans, which is bizarre because I usually have a big butt in jeans. I'll take it, though it does look pathetically flat.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Daily weight gain

I made dinner for a friend tonight. I cleaned my place and decorated for Christmas too. Now I feel like I've gained 4 pounds. I'm already dreading Thanksgiving and all the food. I hate food. At least it won't be just my parents and me sitting around the table that day. It was looking like that might be the case but we've added some relatives to the mix so now there will be 8 of us. That means that they will have less time (I hope) to watch me and see what I am, or am not eating.

I hate it. I hate that I'll gain like 3 pounds in one day. I'll spend a lot of time at the gym in the morning, hopefully that will help a little, though I'm sure it won't.

Maybe I'll go to bed soon. I've had late nights the past few nights and my body doesn't know how to sleep late so I keep waking up early. That's the worst.

I have Charro in the morning and then I will have to hit the gym. Maybe I will run. I just hope my legs aren't tired. I need to start running long distances again but I get so bored on the treadmill and it's too cold to run outside. Ugh!! I need someone who will run next to me for a million miles so I can get through it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

zzzzz

I'm so tired I might fall over, and I have to go teach kickboxing and play field hockey for 3 hours.

Fire, Flood and broken computer

My last few days have been, well, eh. My computer problems started on Wednesday so I spent 3 days on the phone with tech support. Thursday I had a fire in my new oven. Well, it was more like a smoldering piece of cardboard that was left in there by a worker. Apparently the plumber was supposed to check thoroughly for things like that. Yesterday I woke up to a flood on my floor. My heater had some sort of problem and flooding was occurring, not bad, but ruined my wood floor a bit.

So, that was that. I had so much more to write about but now I can't think.


My sesh with Charro was good yesterday. I walked in and she was in jeans. She has no ass. WTF? Really, it's so NOT fair!!!! She said, "Could you hear me yelling?" I was like, "No, why?" She said she was yelling at T-Mobile and hates it and wishes she could cancel it. I told her to get Verizon and she said "I know." Then she said the word "squash" (not the food) at one point and added on that she was playing video games. (So NOT something I picture her doing). I said "You were?" She said, "Yes, on my phone. I was squashing things." Ha! I commented on how I liked her outfit and she said, "Thanks, I'm travelling." Hmm, wonder where she was going for the weekend. I see her Monday morning so she can't be going too far.Check Spelling

I HATE this cold weather. HATE IT!!!

I saw a play all about EDs the other day. It was good.

Problems

Major computer problems. Lots to write but will write tomorrow...oh, it is tomorrow. Will write when I wake up because I've been wanting to all day.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Reconnecting

After Charro I met up with a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other in 12 years and we didn't talk to each other until recently, thanks to facebook. Anyway, she's in town so we got together and hung out at the amazing apartment where she's staying. I don't know how we got on the topic, though I know I didn't bring it up, but she told me that she had an eating disorder and that she was bulimic, and that she never gave calories a thought until my best friend, and partner in crime, said something to her about calories. Nuts, huh? I never came out and said that I have an ED, but I'm guess that she probably knows and I wanted to ask her if she knew in high school about me. My guess is that she did, especially since she knew L and I hung out all the time and L's the one who got her started.

She's still obsessed with weighing herself, which scares me a bit because she has a 2 year old daughter. I came out and told her that I enjoy the scale as well. So weird.

We had a good time. She might be moving here in January. We shall see.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

More songs for Charro

I wrote some more songs for Charro, though these suck. I like the first one the best. They all pretty much suck though. I "sang" them for her but I didn't really sing, I got too shy and embarrassed, and I went through them really quickly.

Walking 4 Miles to Therapy - Winter Wonderland

Here I come from the East side.
When it snows, I try not to slide
On my way to west 12th, hoping to get svelt
Walking 4 miles to therapy.

I may come 3 times a week.
In the sun's where I'd rather be.
I'll do some talking and too much thinking
Walking 4 miles to therapy.

In the office the lamp is crooked.
I hate seeing people while I wait.
You come out to get me and we go in.
I always have dreams that I am late.

You ask are you having a psychotic episode.
I love the warmth and hate the cold.
I'll turn a corner, south of the border.
Walking 4 miles to therapy.

Uptown Girl - B. Joel (I don't have a name for this one)

Here I come, 3 days a week now isn't that fun?
I can talk about a lot of things.
Extra bucks means you can buy some bling.
But I won't cry.

In therapy...

Where I will come 3 times a week
and I will talk as much as I can
and not obsess over my lack of tan.
But I won't cry.

We call it "Carmine"
and I think that's fine.
I want some stick legs
that I can call mine.

She'll say tell me more about that
And I'll say
I just want some skinny legs.
Ones that look like nice long pegs.
I'm getting tired of my hambone thighs.
They're not so easy on the eyes.

I hope I'll talk in Therapy.
Where I will go three times a week.
Does that make me some kind of freak
I've got no paddle and I'm up a creek.
But I won't cry.
3 Days a Week - 8 Days a Week, The Beatles
Should I come one more time
I think it might work.
If you don't get sick of me
and think I'm a jerk.

Sitting, talking, sitting, talking.
Hope I'll do lots more talkings
3 days a week.

I'd come everyday here
but that be crazy.
Things that I might like to share
to set my mind free.
Who knows, not me, who knows, not me.
Hope I'll do lots more talking
3 days a week.

3 days a week
on the couch.
3 days a week.
When I run I put my stuff in a pouch.

Thawing out

I stood outside in the freezing cold for a few hours to catch a glimpse of, and hear a few songs from these guys...



They were good!! Now I'm wiped out from the cold and I have to go to Charro soon and then sprint to the gym to teach aerobics. Ugh. It's too cold out. I don't like it. I don't even feel like going to Charro. When I go a lot, I feel like going, when I miss a time or and away or something, I don't feel like going. I get out of the swing of things.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I am a tape player

I know I repeat myself a lot, but I love Bertha. I don't think I'll love Bertha after I go out to lunch, but I love Bertha right now. Charro, would not be a big fan of Bertha right now either but she doesn't have to see Bertha so I guess that doesn't matter. Besides, this would be grounds for firing...again, and I don't want that.

My eye is itchy and twitching and has been for two days now. I've had hives on my arms for 5 days too. Yuck!!

I love my cats!! (Just thought I'd throw that in there).

I have to make my dad a b-day cake and I am going to make applesauce as well. Busy day.

Does this comment, from my mother, do anything but make me feel umcomfortble and like I need to explain myself??

"That outfit makes you look so skinny. That outfit makes you look so skinny, kiddo."

And what's with having to say it twice? I guess that's where I get my repetition from.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Cleaned out

I feel like I've accomplished a lot over the weekend. My parents came and my mom and I worked in the kitchen while my dad did some other stuff for me. Yay! They stayed over and we finished the kitchen this morning. My dad and I went to the store and got stuff to make pancakes. He kept trying to get me to get a muffin but I kept telling him that I was going to have cereal. So, I made pancakes for them and I ate my mini bowl of Fiber One. (How could I be so blind to think that they wouldn't know I have an ED???) Geez, have I been that stupid all my life?

When they left I organized my closets. I was talking to Jen on the phone while I did it, so that helped pass the time a bit. Now my place looks nice and clean and spacious. I do, however, have to dust because there's a lot of dust around from all the work. That is going to have to wait. I also want to wax my floor.

I'm going home tomorrow for my dad's birthday. We're taking him out to lunch. (ugh, more meals with my rents). Hopefully that will get me out of eating dinner because we are eating lunch!! I had to eat enough meals yesterday!! I'll come back Tuesday and go see Charro and that's it. I'm sick of the stupid train ride though. My ass hurts on that thing!!

K, I'm done. I should probably talk to Charro about my post I wrote the other day, but I don't want to. Why do I have so much to talk to her about these days?? I'm seeing her more, you'd think I'd have less to talk about. So not the case, I end up with more.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Proof

My parents are here and we worked all day on my kitchen. We went out for a late lunch and then we went out for dinner too. Ugh! I know have proof that eating does make me gain weight. I had 3 meals today and I gained 4 pounds. I know that maybe a pound of it is water but, ugh, it all sucks!! I hate having to eat. I really hate it.

Now, will my parents leave early enough for me to go to the gym tomorrow. I have something to do in the afternoon so I need to be able to go workout before 1 PM. I need to run, run, run!!

I guess I'll go to bed now.

It's finally done

My parents are coming today to help me organize my new kitchen. It's finally done!! I'm excited.

I'm tired. I woke up early today, yesterday and at 4 AM the day before. Ugh!

I have so much more space in my apartment now. I think I can have a dance party. :) Now that my kitchen is done, Charro's going to want me to have a dinner party. Geez, she's so into that dinner party thing. How about a dance party instead of a dinner party, I can still call it a DP! :)

Can I go back to sleep now? Nope, gotta go to the gym. I did a load of dishes in my new dishwasher. They're sparkling. Yay!! My oven rocks too. Can't wait to use it.

It's so gross out today!! Nasty, I hope my parents don't cancel their plans to come here.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Food complications

I feel like I'm starting to get a little more obsessed again. I'm thinking more about how I need to work out more. I'm starting to obsess about my food consumption a little more, probably because I lost like a pound. One wouldn't think that that would make such a difference but I guess it does. Charro always tries to tell me that she thinks I'm more obsessed when I lose weight, I tried to tell her that I wasn't because I really believed I wasn't, but I think I am. Oh geez in a big box. I just feel like I can't let myself eat. Of course I am eating, but the fact that I will have three real meals today gets me a bit nervous. I don't know why all of a sudden this is becoming a problem again. Could it have to do with the fact that I've had no kitchen for a month, therefore have been unable to cook and haven't been eating (maybe) all that much? I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't know what's going on.

Right now I'm starving. I'm going to go get some lunch (still can't cook here but hopefully after today I will be able to) and I'm stressing over what to get because I have to go out to dinner tonight. I'm just afraid I'll gain weight. I don't want to tell Charro that I lost weight for two reasons; one: because it's probably just a "fluctuation" (as she would say) anyway, and two: because then she will make me gain weight.

Why does this all have to be SOOOO complicated!! I just want to have lunch and not have to worry about anything.

A wake up call

My phone woke me up this morning at 6:40. I wasn't quite sure what the noise was, but I knew it was my phone. I picked it up and it was Charro calling. I dropped my phone and it shut off. I wasn't sure if I had overslept or if she was cancelling. I called her back, she was cancelling because she's sick.

She answered the phone and said "Hi early bird." I was like "yeah." I don't think she could tell that she woke me up. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep, which sucks a butt, but whatever. I was looking forward to my sesh today too. I feel like I have so much to talk about these days. I think going three times a week has opened my talking gates. I feel like I could go everyday and still have enough to talk about. I don't even know what it is, but at least I'm talking I guess.

In other news, they BETTER finish my kitchen today or I will be so pissed!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Too full, too empty

I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and didn't fall back to sleep until 6. Ugh! I hate that. My brain was filled with crap and I couldn't stop thinking about things. I had less crap in my head when I saw Charro less. WTF?!! My head is just too full.

I was hungry too, which is probably another reason why I couldn't fall back to sleep. It happens. Whatever. I have the "I want to lose weight" feeling again and it doesn't even have anything to do with my weight. I don't know what it is, I just want to lose it. Maybe it's a control thing, I have no clue. It's not like I'm thinking oh I'm so fat, so I don't know what it is. I just want to see those numbers go down. They went down a little but I'm sure that's just a "fluctuation!"

I was at my gym at home the other day and one of the instructors came over to me and was like "You look smaller." My response, "I do?? Thanks!" I haven't gotten smaller, though maybe a bit more toned because I've been teaching more classes. I don't know, I don't care. It was a compliment.

I'm tired. I think I'll head to the gym soon. What else will I do. Sometime I just work out before I teach on Thursday nights, but I think I'll go now because I have nothing else to do.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'm just annoyed

I don't know how I'm feeling after my sesh tonight. I think I'm annoyed, but I'm not sure. I might be annoyed with Charro too, but the only reason why I'd be annoyed with her is because she didn't answer my question. I said, "You were a swimmer, weren't you?" She was like "Why?" I was like "You just were, I can tell." She goes "Because of my shoulders?" Then I felt stupid because I didn't want her to think I thought she had big shoulders. So I hid and then said "yes." She didn't answer me, of course, and that drives me insane.

We talked about a lot of stuff. I think I was getting emotional, not in a crying sort of way. I think I was just having some sort of feelings or something.

We talked about weight. She looked at her chart, which was right in front of her on her wall, and said "I'm looking at my chart." I commented about "her chart." I thought of Jen and "We have charts." (So do we!!!). She thinks I'm underweight but I disagree, and for some reason, she takes the high end weight of the chart and uses that as what is the low end weight. So basically, if the weight is 104-116, she's telling me that I should weight 113 because 104 is the "extremely low end," which really makes no sense, because why would they bother putting it on there if it was "under" what it should be? (that made no sense) UGH!!!

Blah. I don't even know what else. I might be hungry but I don't think I feel like eating. I think I'm just in a bad mood.

Stupid kitchen

I'm going on a hunger strike until my stupid kitchen is done. It's been 4 weeks now and no one is even working on it today. WTF? I am not eating out any more. I am sick of it and it's expensive!! I just won't eat anything but yogurt. Screw it!! This was supposed to take 2 weeks. WTF?

The list.

I think I need to revise my list and add on, except I forgot what it was that I wanted to add on.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Didn't make it through it all

Well, I didn't get through my whole list for Charro tonight. I guess it's a good thing I'm seeing her again tomorrow night. We talked a lot about Thanksgiving and how I'm not looking forward to it just being my parents and me. It will be weird. I told her that she should go in my place. I just don't want them staring at me the whole time and watching what I'm eating, or not eating, etc. It will not be cool. I mean, I eat with them and it's fine but this is a holiday so it will be different. Weird, first of all, because usually there are a ton of family members with us, but this year it looks like it will just be the three of us.

I don't know, we talked about a lot of things. I wish I had another 50 minutes to keep going. Let's hope tomorrow I can continue. Afterall, that's what I'm hoping for with this 3x/week thing.