Friday, November 30, 2007

I'm off

Off to New York for the weekend. I'll write when I get a chance. Charro today, party tomorrow.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Sweating it out...not really

I should have stayed in bed. I thought about it, but I got up and went to the gym and barely peddled away on the bike for an hour. Sometimes working out makes me feel better, today it didn't. Ugh, I feel worse and my face and hair said it all this morning. I didn't even care that my hair was sticking straight up when I left the house, though that's usually what it's doing when I go to the gym anyway. Tylenol Cold is a lovely thing!!

I just want/need to sleep. I have to go see some clients and do a little apartment shopping with my sister. Then, I will come home and sleep. I've been drinking two Emergen-C's a day in hopes of knocking this cold out of me, but I think it's here and not going anywhere. Everyone's sick so it was bound to happen to me. I'm sure kissing my sick nephews didn't help. :) I need to be better by Saturday though. I can't sing sounding funny like this.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

There's nothing like...

sitting on the couch watching a sad movie when you're sick.

Weighing on my mind

I think this whole having to report my weight to Charro thing is weighing on my mind a bit. Come on, it is really necessary? I'm not underweight. I'm not trying to lose weight. (I also do not want to gain any). I'm thinking that she doesn't need to know what I weigh all the time. After all, she's the one that says our weight fluctuates all the time so there are bound to be differences in my weight week to week.

Eh, I'm just scared there's going to be an ultimatum. I guess I will find out Friday what she's going to come up with. If she tells me that I need to gain weight and weigh a certain amount, I will stop weighing myself so I don't have to follow that rule. That way I really won't know what I weigh.

That may be the wrong attitude, but I refuse to willingly gain weight. It's not happening. Enough said!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Geez in a box

I just got back from my "phone sesssssiiioooon" with Charro. She mentioned me sitting down and confronting my parents about them reading my FFJ and my reaction was pretty much as follows...I DON'T THINK SO!!!! Not in a million years would I do that. Okay, not happening. I'm just not going there. That's when I told her that I'm much better with the whole avoidance and denial thing. I'm the queen.

So, I don't feel any better/less stressed about them (most likely) reading my FFJ. There was one huge highlight to our "sesssiiioonn" though. She said "Geez in a box." Now, that won't make sense to anyone but it was really funny to me because at one point she wrote "geez" in my FFJ and put a box around it so I have turned it into a saying; "Geez in a box." She said it and I cracked up.

I guess I should rewind and say what led up to her saying that. I said something and then said what she would say in response to what I said. She said, "You've got the down. You don't even need me. Just sit in front of a mirror and you can have your own session with yourself.' I went on to say a few of her favorite sayings and she said "I need to copy write those. Like Geez in a box." I loved it. That made my night.

It was all okay until she asked me how much I weigh. I kind of skirted around it for a second. (Is it skirted or skated? Skated makes more sense). I said "around 100." She said "100 point what?" I said "Not really that." She said, "Are you under 100?" I said "I'm around 100." and she said "I know you know the exact number. What are you?" Well, just as I suspected, she didn't like the answer and said, "You need to gain weight. We'll have to come up with a number when we talk on Friday." (Dead silence on my end). "I guess you're having a reaction to that." I said, "I'm always having a reaction." Great, she better not give me any ultimatums. Maybe I will just stop weighing myself so I don't have to report my weight to her. That's the only way, unless I want to start lying to her (which I don't), though I don't plan on losing any weight. I also don't plan on gaining any weight and I know that's what she wants me to do. I'm not going down that road, that's for sure. I have a feeling she's going to come up with a number that I'm NOT going to approve of. Blah.

On another note, I'm not moving this week. Found that out tonight. I don't know when I'm moving in, sometime next week apparently. Well, it can't be Monday or Tuesday so we shall see.

That's all for now. I am going to NYC this weekend. I have to see Charro on Friday and then I'm going out with a bunch of my friends for my b-day. Yay. My sis and her hubby are coming too.

Monday, November 26, 2007

4 more days???

My parents are driving me IN-fucking-SANE!! I have no idea when I'm moving because no one from the place I rented the apartment from has gotten back to me about anything. It's a real problem because I have to make all my moving plans and get my cable and shit like that set up.

In about 5 seconds I'm going to completely explode on someone. My mother better shut up or it's going to land right on her. Can't I just say "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I'll deal with it!!!" Would that be so wrong? I am a big girl and can take care of myself. If I need there help, I will ask for it.

She was like "Did you clean out your desk drawers?" Um, no. It's not like my desk is coming with me so why do I need to clean it out. It's still my room. She wants to move everything around in there and do all this stuff. I'll still be sleeping in it 2 nights a week. I'm sure she'd love to go through my draws. Why not, she apparently goes through everything else. Maybe I should write something really juicy in my FFJ. She'd love that. WTF?!?!

Ugh, I need Charro now...and everyday for the rest of my week. Actually, I think a punching bag would probably be more beneficial. I need to get out of here!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Dustballs in my throat

I'm scared to be alone with my parents. I fear that they're going to bring up things I've written in my FFJ and start asking me all sorts of questions. I don't want them ever to mention anything about eating disorders. There's no need to discuss anything.

Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. Knowing that my parents are now aware of "my eating disorder," I kept wondering if they were wondering how I was doing with the whole food situation. I felt like my dad was watching me. At one point he asked a simple "how are you doing?" but it seemed like he meant it in a more in depth way. I think this was while we were sitting around the table.

It sucks to think that my parents have to worry about whether or not I'll eat. I wonder if they worry if I will starve myself to death. I really have NO intentions of doing that. I don't want to do that because I love living. I'm not even trying to lose weight, though I guess I have lost a little weight as of late. I guess that could be stress related. Funny thing is, Charro said the other day that she's wants me to report my weight to her and she said she's going to keep track of it every month. Let's just hope she doesn't ask me what it is on Tuesday when I talk to her. (that's if it doesn't go up from what it is right now, which it probably will). I don't think she'd be happy with my answer. Oh well, not something I can worry about right now. It's not like it really matters. It doesn't make a difference. My weight is fine where it is.

Anyway, I've done some cleaning and organizing for my move and now I feel like I have dustballs in my throat because I was in the basement for a bit. Gotta love that feeling. Now I'm just waiting for my third load of laundry to get done so I can stick it in the dryer.

I also took a nap today, which was nice. I keep waking up at like 6 AM for no reason. I hate that. I wake up at 6:30 during the week and I've had 4 days where I could sleep in but my body/mind wouldn't let me. I hate that.

I was hoping Christmas Vacation would be on tonight but it's not. I do have the DVD so I guess I can watch it whenever I want to.

In my inbox

I turned on my computer and checked my email and had this email from my friend H.

Hope you are having a great weekend!! You must be so excited for you move, I am really proud of you for doing this! It is time for you to move forward, and I mean with all aspects of your life! You need to take control, and let go of all the things that truly hold you back. You can do this (my name), I know you can!! You need to decide to treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve... I love you honey!!

How sweet is she! I love her. She's like a big sis to me.

Friday, November 23, 2007

The day after Thanksgiving

(Because I couldn't think of a title)

I worked out for over two hours today and if felt great. Let's hope I feel like doing the same tomorrow. I had to teach today, so an hour of that doesn't even count.

So yes, I'm still obsessing about my rents reading my FFJ. If this has all really happened, then they must have started reading it a few months ago because that's when I checked my dad's online history and saw that he had googled my name and blog. He would not have thought of that on his own. I mentioned how "I'd die if my parents ever found my blog." Well, I don't think they've found it but they sure as hell looked. Ugh.

The thing is, my mom is the snooper and the one that would totally go and read it, not my dad. I think I wrote things about my mom too that would make her feel really bad. I think I wrote how she annoys me and stuff. I guess it's just normal mother stuff but still, I don't want to hurt her feelings in anyway. I love my parents so much and I don't want to hurt them in anyway.

With that said, I know I am hurting them by not talking to them and by "doing this" to myself. I could see how badly they were hurting that night when my father cried when I told him that I was going to see Charro. Ugh, that still kills me.

Ok, I'm done blogging for now. Too many distractions.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Gotta love it

I'm on the bike at the gym this morning when this man comes up to me and says, "You need to put on some weight. Just a few pounds. You need to get over 50 lbs." I said, "I hit 52 yesterday." He was like "Really?" I said, "I'd be dead if I weighed 50 lbs." He said "what are you like 60, 70 lbs?" Me, "Um No! I'm over 100." Seriously people, come on. He obviously has NO sense of anything if he thinks I can be 50 pounds, or even 70 for that matter. Hello, I would be dead and definitely NOT teaching aerobics with the energy I have. The very first thing he said to me was actually this, "You've had an overdose of cardio today," (He had walked in the side door and into my aerobics class while I was teaching).

Seriously...ugh.

I'm still all freaked out and in a really crappy mood because of my whole FFJ thing. I need to go shower!

(Not-so) Happy Thanksgiving

Is it time for me to move yet? This day is stressful enough with all the food and crap, now I have to add all this crap to it as well. I figured out how I'm going to hide my FFJ's until I move. I really can't deal!!

I'm so tired and I need to go teach aerobics now.

Hope you guys have a nice turkey day.

(I don't even like turkey)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

This sucks!

The more I think about this, the worse it gets. I think this might be worse than everything else that's happened with all this ed shit the past few months. It definitely is. Sleeping should be fun tonight. I cannot deal with this...

Seriously...Why?!

Okay, so I stopped by J's office to see him today since we haven't seen each other since we broke up. I had some time to kill and I thought it would be nice to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. It wasn't awkward at all and it was kind of nice to see him. Well, as I was leaving he was like, "I have to tell you something. You need to find a new place to hide your journal." I was like "What?!?!?! Have my parents been reading it?" He was like "Yes, they know more than I do. You need to find a new spot to hide it. You hide it under your bed, right?"

He wouldn't tell me anything else and I kept asking him how he knew and he wouldn't tell me. It was/is driving me insane. He was like I have some more stuff to tell you to but I can't do that right now. That I understand since we were in his busy office. UGH!!!!! WHAT THAT F***!!!!!!???!!!!

Seriously, I can't take this. I can't deal with anymore of this crap. I want to know how long they've been reading it. I am fucking screwed. That means that they know EVERYTHING. That really fucking sucks.

When he told me I thought I was going to throw up. I really did. I am 99.9 percent sure that he wouldn't lie to me about this and he wouldn't just say this to get me all fired up and upset and stuff. He's not type that would do that. He is a very caring guy.

Seriously, I might have a mental breakdown. I can't think about all of this shit. If they know everything...ugh, I can't think about it. F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, just F***!!!!! What the fucking fuck!?!? (Sorry) I can't deal.

I'm going to go shoot myself now. (NOT really, don't worry. I promise I am not suicidal!!)

So I freaking called Charro to set up a phone session for next week. Ugh, I asked her if we could chat on Tuedsay and added "Apparently my parents have been reading my FFJ." I didn't say that I was freaking out and all that crap because she doesn't need to hear that the day before Thanksgiving. Please, not her problem. I wish it wasn't Thanksgiving so I could talk to her. UGH!

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

EJ and Charro, all in one day

I've been away from the blog world for few days. I've been away and then I've been busy so at some point I'll get to catch up with everyone.

Yesterday I went to NYC to meet up with EJ. We had a great time, as usual, and the rain held off. We met at the train station and then grabbed a bite to eat. We then walked, at a brisk pace, to Charro's office. Yes, EJ did get to meet Charro. She came in to go to the bathroom and Charro walked out so the two met. So now she can picture who I'm talking about when I talk about Charro.

My sesssssiioooonnn was good. I got to see my "notes." I asked Charro if I could see my file and she said "What file? I have notes on you." I said, "That's what I want to see." She brought them for me yesterday and they were actually more detailed than I expected. I felt stupid reading while she was sitting there watching me so I read as fast as I could and not as thoroughly as I would have liked to. I did laugh a few times and she said "I'm glad you find this entertaining." Then she wanted to know what I was laughing at. She also said, "This is a very strange request. No one really asks to see there notes." So we had to discuss why I wanted to see them.

I have one more sesssioooonnn in her new/old office before she moves to her new/new office. Yes, only a few visits for me to this place, which is fine with me, though I do kind of like the set up, minus the no couch issue. Her new office has a couch!! Yay!

I met back up with EJ and we walked around a bit more and grabbed a bite to eat. There was a funny bread incident at the restaurant but I don't feel like writing about it because I'm exhausted. We always had something to talk about, which is nice. I felt bad because dragged her all across town and made her walk really fast, but she did get her coffee. ;) Yay!

So, that was my day yesterday. It was a great day all around and I'm glad EJ and I got to hang out.

Hope ya'll have a nice Thanksgiving. Ugh, the holidays. We have WAY too much food here and it's starting to stress me out already. Oh well, I will do my best to avoid it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

An awesome weekend

I'm back from my trip and what a blast it was. My sis, her friend and I hopped in the car Saturday morning and it was a pretty funny road trip. It was like a Seinfeld episode and there should have been a camera in the car.

(I'm going to try and write this without putting in too many details in case someone I know sees this).

We got to D.C. and met up with our brother. We grabbed a bit to eat and then my sister-in-law and my nieces arrived so we got to see them for a bit. Then we went back to our hotel and got ready to go out. We got all dressed up and fancy dresses and went to this big event. It was a good time.

Sunday morning I woke up and went to the gym, got ready and met my brother and his family for breakfast before heading out to "the big event" we were there for. That was a lot of fun.

Pretty much, the whole trip was just really great. The three of us (bro, sis and I) haven't been on a trip together and haven't hung out for a long time. It was really nice. Of course it was also great to see my nieces. Oh, they're so cute!

I was afraid I had gained a few pounds, especially after the dinner event we went to on Saturday night. I knew I didn't really eat that much, but I ate late and I wasn't even hungry but I had to eat. Then I had a huge breakfast yesterday so I was nervous about stepping on the big Bertha when I got home. Much to my surprise, I actually lost weight. Yay for that. I wasn't even trying. Craziness. This morning, though I'm sure that was a fluke thing, I hit double digits again. (Just barely) That was a bit exciting, though I don't think it thrilled me as much as it used to. I don't really think I care that much anymore. I'm not really trying to lose weight, I just am scared to death that I'll gain it and that's what I'm trying to prevent.

K, now I need to do some real work.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm finally writing

I'm sitting at my sister's house right now. We celebrated our dad's birthday tonight and then she and I are off on a little road trip for the weekend. No kids, no husbands, nothing. Just off to see our bro.

So, this morning I woke up and my dad dropped both of my little cereal bowls on our new granite counter top and they both broke. Now I have no little bowls to eat my cereal out of. I'm highly distraught over that. Here's the kicker, we just got the new counter tops put in on Monday, had we had the old ones, my little bowls probably wouldn't have broken. :( Sad day number one.

I went to Target and bought some stuff for my apartment. I got some new little bowls, though the are Christmas ones so I don't know if I can use them all year. They are not my old ones though. Those are irreplaceable. :( These aren't even bowls, they're ramekins. Oh well, I will eat my cereal out of them.

Bad news number two: I forgot to pack my Fiber One cereal for our trip. I don't know what I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow and Sunday now. That freaks me out a bit. I also don't have my scale until I get home. Uggers!

I had a phone sesssssiiooonnnn with Charro today. She brought of the whole weighing myself thing. She asked how I was doing with that and I said "fine." I said "I'm not weighing myself as much as I was" and then she asked how often I weigh myself and I responded with (again) "I'm not weighing myself as much as I was" but she really wanted a number so I said "A couple of times, like 5 or 6." She said "FIVE or SIX? That's a lot!!" I said "That's not a lot." She said, "Even if you said three times, that would be too much. It's very obsessive." I don't really have any issues with the amount of times I weigh myself. In fact, the only thing I have an issue with is when I can't weigh myself.

I just got really tired. Ugh, I don't think I'm going to get to workout tomorrow, unless I can when I get to the hotel, but I don't think that will happen. I'll be sitting in a car all day too. Uggers!

Anyway, I think I'll go to bed.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Concerts

I must admit, I'm kind of sick of blogging. I'm going away this weekend so I probably won't be doing it for a few days, but who knows. Maybe I'll be not sick of it by the time I get back.

I went to the city last night to see Sugarland and Little Big Town in concert. It was awesome. My roommate from college and I went. We got there early and picked up the tix from the will call booth. Well, I walked over and saw one of the guys from LBT. I said hello and he put his hand out and introduced himself to me. Then the rest of the members started coming out too. They were all just hanging out in front of the venue so we got our pictures taken with them. They were so nice and their harmonies rock!!

The concert was awesome, minus the fact that we stood for over six hours. It was like a big mosh pit/standing room/General Admission type place and we ended up about three rows back from the stage. It was awesome. I think I almost passed out (literally) from standing for so long, locking my knees and being so hot and crowded. I loved ever second of it though. I would give anything to be up on that stage. When I say anything, I mean anything. I would take the biggest sledge hammer to my scale a million times to be able to sing for a living. I love it!

Anyway, I'm going on a road trip with my sis this weekend. We're going to see our bro and his family. Yay! It should be a good time.

That's it. I felt like I ate a lot tonight but I didn't gain a pound so I am pretty shocked by that, to say the least. Yay!!

I talk to Charro on the phone tomorrow afternoon. My day tomorrow it pretty busy. My day today, ugh, that was just nuts, I don't even want to get into that one. Let's just say I literally sprinted (with backpack on) to catch the train and I just caught it! Ugh!!

That's it. I need a blogging break. I have nothing to write about.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Moving, roadtrips and randomness

I'm getting excited to move. My parents are getting on my nerves more and more, though it may just be because I'm pmsing. Who knows! Packing and all that will suck and stress me out, but it's not like I'm going too far away so if I need something I can get it. It's not like there is a shortage of stores in Manhattan either.

I have no plans on moving to New York so I can starve myself. I am looking forward to the freedom of eating when I want to and not having to eat if I don't want to. If I'm hungry at 3 PM and want to eat dinner then, I will, and no one will be able to say anything about that. Okay, well Charro will have something to say about that, I'm sure. It will probably be something like this written in my FFJ next to my 3 PM dinner. Too early for dinner. I've gotten that one a few times before. I can't help it. If I eat at 3 then I'm full and don't need to eat again. Why is that hard to understand?

I'm ready to eat dinner right now and it's 5 PM. I am going to make egg whites and maybe, if I'm feeling crazy, put it in a whole wheat tortilla with some low-fat cheese. Yum!

I'm thirsty. My left ear hurt/throat hurts when I swallow. I hope I'm not getting sick. I'm going to see Sugarland (the band) tomorrow and I cannot wait. It's going to rock man! Woo friggen hoo!! Yes!! Love it!! I'm watching S(ign)feld. (ha, you like how I wrote that?) This is my crazy paragraph that is completely random. I think I'll see if I can make my dinner now. I'm craving salt.

Oh, I'm going to see my bro and his family this weekend. My sis and I are taking a road trip!! Yay for road trips!! Love it!!

K, I'm done babbling now.

Words from a 5 year old

My sister told my 5 and a half year old nephew what happened to their cat on Sunday, after having asked about her. Later that afternoon he came upstairs and said "Mom, my heart is broken. How can I fix it? Can we dig up P-nut and put her back together?" (with tears in his eyes).

Yesterday morning, he wakes up and goes downstairs and says, "Mom, my heart is still broken and I hurt all over."

Okay, how sad and cute is that?? It makes me want to sweep him up and never let go of him. I just want to squish him.

Monday, November 12, 2007

First purchase

I did a little shopping today. I bought something for my apartment...a (fake) Christmas tree. Ugh, I shutter at the fact that bought a fake tree for my apartment. If I happen to be able to get a mini real one, I might do that. I can't deal with the fakeness, though I will have a real one at my house, which I will chop down myself...a 10-12 foot one no less.

So, I had a mini tree in my cart and mini ornaments and then I saw a three footer so I put everything away and got that one with some bigger ornaments. Yay for Christmas. I need to listen to some Christmas music!!

And by the way, there was a little snow on my car and driveway this morning.

18 days

Um, so I think I'm moving in 18 days. That's nuts!!

I don't really have anything to write about right now, plus I need to do some work.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Yesterday...

Was one big rush, as in rushing around. I'll leave out all the details because no one really cares, but my day basically started out, after the gym, with my sister having to put her cat to sleep. :( I rushed to her house, I had to go to her town anyway, to so I could babysit my nephew while she went to the vet. Her husband ended up coming home from work to go to the vet and say goodbye and then went home so my sis could go.

I got to my sister's and took her hubby back to the vet and I went in too, but we both figured by that time what had to be done had been done. We walked inside and the little fluff ball took one last breath. It was so sad. My sis kept saying, "She keeps taking a breath every minute or so." The one I saw was her last. The three of us stood around her and pet her and kissed her. I kept kissing her fuzzy back paw. Her body was hard, yet I could move her paws wherever I wanted to. I just kissed them and kissed her head, right above her nose. (one of my favorite parts on cats). My sister's husband said, "I think she's purring. I can feel her purring." It was sad. Her eyes just starred with (obviously) no expression. I loved that cat and she was only 6 years old, too young for her kidneys to just fail her.

While I was driving there I thought how I'd really like to go in and see her but didn't think I would get to so I'm glad I did. Now she and her hubby have to tell the kids what happened. They keep asking if "little nut" (that's what I called her) was home from the doctor. They're so concerned. The younger one cried the whole day, when they dropped her off on Thursday. No one knew that she wasn't going to be coming home again. Then the boys kept telling my mom that they were going to pick up Peanut in the morning and bring her home. :( Ugh, it breaks my heart. I hate it. It hurts.

After that I went to see a client, with tear-filled eyes. At least he wasn't there. Then I hopped on the train to head to NYC. I dropped my stuff off at my friend's place, went to go see my apartment (for the first time) and then signed a million papers and handed over a large check. That was not fun. Then I rushed to Charro's and ended up no knowing where I was going when I got off the subway. I had only been to her new office once and I ran there. I thought I knew which way to go when I got off the subway, but clearly, I didn't. So, I had to call her and ask how to get there. I ended up running, because I was a few minutes late, in my boots and mini skirt. Now that's an image. I got there and was shaking and dying of heat.

The "sessssiiiooooonnnn" itself was okay. I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant. She said, "I have to tell you something." I was like uh oh. "I'm moving again." I was like "What? Are you staying in New York City?" She said yes and told me where she was moving to, which I am excited about because it's near where she used to be. She was like "How do you feel about this? I know you had some issues with this move?" I said, "Oh good!! I'm fine with this one. Does your office have a couch?" The answer was yes and I'm excited because I know how to get to this office. Yay!! So, that was that.

Okay, I just found out that fucking Broadway is going on strike at 11 this morning. Um, my friend and I have tickets to a show that we're not going to get to see now. I'm a bit pissed!!!! It was her b-day present too. Ugh!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

I'll probably regret this one

I wasn't going to write about this here because of my fear that Charro might read it, but I don't really think she reads my blog unless I give her something specific to read. If she does happen to read it, then I'll probably feel really stupid and she'll think I'm weird but it's probably something I should talk to her about but won't.

It bothers me that she's skinny. Usually she wears skirts or loose fitting clothing but last time I was there she had on fitted pants. She was going up the stairs in front of me so I couldn't help but notice how small her butt and legs are. It's really not fair!! Her butt is like 2 inches big. I'd kill to have a small ass. Her legs are long and thin, mine, quite the opposite; short and stubby and muscular. Ugh! Her thighs probably don't rub together. I guess I'm just envious/jealous of her thinness because I want to look like that. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that she is much taller than I am too. I think if I were taller my body would have more area to spread out to instead of just being all compacted together. I guess the jeans I'm wearing right now aren't helping me out much either because they make my legs, ass and hips look huge. Lovely!

So there, I said it. Charro is skinny and I want to be. She probably eats like a "normal" person too, though when I asked her once she said "I eat in a healthy, balanced way." Um, okay that's such a textbook answer. She has to say that.

I'm off to Charro tomorrow. (I love saying that) I will also be signing me lease!! CRAZY NUTS!!! I'm excited though. I can't wait until I'm all settle in and organized. I have so much crap that I don't know if being "settled in and organized" is really possible. :)

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Privacy

I might be going private for a minute.

Email me at thepalmtreechick@yahoo.com if you want to keep reading.

I have no clever title

The Feisty one (Feisty Frida) is on her way to the hospital to have her baby! FINALLY!!! :) If I hear of anything I'll keep ya'll posted.

So, I'm kind of sick of this whole therapy thing again. Do I not get this way at least twice a month?? I don't feel like going to see Charro on Friday because I have nothing to talk about. I never have anything to talk about. Well, once in a while I do. I just don't feel like talking about anything. What's there to say, really? I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to eat more. I don't want to stop weighing myself. There are only so many times those things can be discussed. So, that pretty much leaves nothing else to talk about. If I'm not willing to budge or work on anything, what can be done? My thoughts, not much.

On the other hand, I always have lots of things to think about after I talk to Charro. I'm not sure what that means but it must mean something, right? Eh, I don't know. I'm sick of thinking.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

1 year ago today

It was one year ago to this date (the actual day was a Monday) that I came home from ballroom dancing class to be confronted by my parents (the first time) about my "issues." What brought this on one may ask. Well, they found this blog post. Let me tell you, that's a night that I won't forget. I'm not sure which confrontation was worse, that one of the one in August. Um, let's just say that both sucked!!!

On another note, one month from today I will be 30!

Hunger and sleep, I like one not the other.

I don't know why I'm so hungry today but I don't like it!! That's all I know. I hate when I'm hungry. It's so much nicer when I have do appetite and no desire to eat. I like it much better that way. Maybe I'll just be hungry for the day and then it will go away for a month or two or twelve.

I'm so tired today too. What's up with that? I think that time change is screwing everyone up and it really shouldn't. We fell back and get to sleep in. Hmmm. Now sleep, sleep I love!

Hi

I don't really have anything to write. Yesterday I got a call saying that I was approved for my apartment. So, as of December 1, or November 30, I will be a New York resident. Well, maybe. I'll still be a New Englander at heart. :) I have a lot to do before then and it's gonna be crazy!! It's going to be fun though. I can't wait to live on my own, decorate my own place, and just be. I can do whatever I want. What a crazy concept. Of course there are the things that I'll have to do like, workout and pay bills! :)

Hmm, I just got really tired. I need to do my insurance test too. It sucks butts but I better get to it.

Monday, November 05, 2007

So....

I got the apartment!

I'm off to work.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Post 801 baby

This was the pretty sunrise I caught while driving this morning. Don't worry,I didn't take my eyes off the road. I woke up at 5:30 AM to head to NYC to watch the marathon and now I'm home. No Katie Holmes sitings or Lance Armstrong sitings though. The runners got cool orange shirts, I'm jealous of that. It didn't make me want to run one though. I would have cheered for you, DrStaceyNY if I knew who to look for. Hope the race went well for you.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Flying high.

video

Me at trapeze school last spring. Enjoy!! My pants fell down at the end.

Morning relaxing

I'm in a better mood this morning. I'm actually relaxing a bit before I head to the gym. Well, at least for another 5 more minutes. I'm hoping to get a good run in this morning. I hate that I can't run like I was before all my concussions. I'll get it back, I hope, but it still stinks right now. I'm just hoping I can do 6 miles and then move onto something else.

I'm supposed to ref 4 hours of field hockey today (unpaid) but I'm hoping it gets cancelled. We're supposed to get a lot of rain from what's left of hurricane Nol. The winds will be, and already are, whipping around as well. So much for "Pink sky at night, sailors delight." Um, there's a warning on the seas so so much for that saying.

I need to do some cleaning and stuff around here, preparing for my move, IF I ever find out about this apartment. Grrr. It's really starting to get to me. I feel like I'm going to lose it (the apt.) because they want a letter from my college about how I was in campus housing. Um, they don't have those types of records from seven years ago!! Ugh!

Okay, so before I start babbling and getting myself in a bad mood again I'll shut up and go to the gym.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Pink sky at night

I was sitting at the kitchen table when I saw this...





Yucky mood

I'm in a pissy mood. I just FFJed for a bit and it put me in a really bad mood. Why? Because my SESSION with Charro sucked today? Why? Because I sit there and say nothing but "I don't know" the whole time. Why? Because I don't have anything else to say. Then what happens? I think of a million things to talk about afterwards and for the rest of the day and then I get pissed at myself for wasting 45 minutes of everyone's time and my money and getting nothing out of it.

I got nothing out of today's session and it has nothing to do with Charro. She's doing her job, I just suck at the whole therapy thing. It's days like this when I feel I should just quit...or go everyday, I'm not sure which. I think I'm just going to lay on the floor and cover my face and talk when I see her on Friday. Maybe then I'll get something accomplished.

I'm just really pissed at myself right now. I don't know why this all of a sudden manifested itself. Probably because I was FFJing and I was trying to "really feel."

Oh yeah, Charro wants me to not weigh myself for a week again. Um, does she not realize what happened last time I did that?? I FREAKED out and I gained a pound. The freak out was completely the worst. I almost made myself throw up but instead decided to drink some vinegar and run around my house like a mad woman for 30 minutes. It SUCKED. I felt like shit and I didn't uncover any hidden feelings that I might be suppressing somewhere. So, why should I do this again I ask?? I don't see why it's worth all the freaking torture if nothing but I feel like I'm gaining a ton of weight and have no control over it feelings come out. Why should I subject myself to that misery?? It's not worth it. Ugh!

I don't know how to make this go away. Okay, I know I have to want to make it go away in order for me to start making it go away and I'm not there yet. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever be there. I'd like to think I will be there someday because I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

I don't really know what else to say right now. Maybe I'll come back to this later.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Well that was fun!

Class was SOOOOOOOOO BORING. I failed my test in there too. I needed to pass it on order to go take the licensing test. I got a take home though. ;) Woo hoo!! I will not be looking at that anytime soon. Well, maybe tomorrow so stuff is fresh in my head.

My rents are off to visit my brother for a week. That means that I am here all by myself baby!! Well, me and my cats. Meow! YES! I love that. Should be interesting. Will I or won't I cook dinner for myself? One never knows. I guess it depends on the day and if I'm hungry. It's not really something I can predict.

I love cooking and baking and I would do it all the time, but lately I haven't done it at all. That could be in part because I've been busy with field hockey but I think it also has something to do with the fact that I don't want to eat it. I don't want food around me. I don't really know what that's all about but whatever.

K, I need to go do something besides sit. I've been doing that all day.

Don't be jealous

I get to go sit in an Insurance class all day. Now that's a ton of fun!!!