Wednesday, October 31, 2007
So yeah, I'm still in the I can't wait to move so I don't have to eat if I don't want to mode. I know, last week I was so concerned about that and now I've done a 180. I don't get it. I was so afraid that I would just not eat and lose control and now I don't have that fear anymore. I guess it's still in the back of my mind a little but I also don't really care. I guess I want to lose a couple of pounds. I don't know what difference it will make so I don't know why I care, but I do. It would if I could just understand any one thing that goes on in my mind. How is Charro going to understand my head if I don't understand it??
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I played a little field hockey today. Jumped in on some drills during practice and collided with someone. Luckily we just hit shoulders and we didn't hit that hard. Good thing because I can't be hitting my head!! I had to leave practice to go ref a game so I got to do a little more running and some occasional sprints. Go me! It was warmer out than I thought so I was a little toasty in my sweats.
I'm not liking this eating thing. It's a good thing my rents are going out of town on Thursday for a week. You know what that means?? No eating dinner for me. :) Yay. I'll eat something if I'm hungry but I don't have to eat if I don't want to. I guess that's how it will be when I live in NYC. Kind of funny how last week this was concerning me and now it's not a concern at all. I'm sort of looking forward to it. Hmm, weird how that happens. I don't really get.
I think I'm too tired to write anymore. Tomorrow is Halloween!! Yay! I'm dressing up when I go into the office!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Got a massage this morning. Had a gift certificate that my bro and his wife had given me last Christmas. It felt good. She worked on the knot in my calf. It's been there for two weeks and now it feels worse. Ha!
I woke up yesterday stressing about my finances and how they will be lacking when I move. That's going to freak me out. Seriously, I will be bringing in NO money with my bills and stuff. I really need to find a teaching job and maybe rake in an extra 100 bucks a month. That would also get me a free gym membership, which would be very sweet.
I had other things I wanted to write about but now I can't remember what they were. Oh well, maybe later it will come back to me.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I talked to Charro today. I saw her on Tuesday and we discussed talking today when I left. I called her on Wed. to let her know that I wanted to talk to her today. So, we had a phone SESSION. (Even she can't say that word with a straight face anymore because she knows how I feel about it.) (My eye is twitching). So, she called and I said "I actually have things to talk about today." We covered two of those things in the first 5 minutes; my possible apartment and the crazy search on Tuesday and the concerns that I have about moving. (Okay, I just realized that if I'm going to print this out for her I should take out some stuff b/c she doesn't really need to read about herself, though whatever, it's nothing bad.) Anyway, then we talked about the crazy dream I had the other night. Those were the 3 things I needed to discuss.
Now onto my thoughts since then...
Moving - (I'll probably jump around a lot here) I can't wait to move and yes, I do have so mixed feelings about it but that's normal. I am worried that I might end up not eating. I mean, I'll still eat, but I'm afraid that I will go there, not really eat, and then drop weight. A couple pounds is okay, but I'm afraid that I'll lose more than a couple of pounds (not even on purpose) and end up getting sick. I guess in the back of my mind I really do have the fear that I could end up IP or something and that is the last thing I want. That scares the shit out of me! (shiites, I just remembered I left out a huge part of my dream for charro. I totally forgot about it.) I would die (not literally) if I ended up needing to go IP. That would suck more than anything. I would hate it. I really don't know what I'd do if that happened. I hope I never find out either. Honestly, that is NOT what I want. I want to be healthy, I just don't know how.
I know that I'll get there and not want to cook because it will just be me who I'm cooking for. What does that mean? Well, probably that I'll just end up nibbling on a few things and not eating meals. Lots of times I don't even know what I want to eat so I just don't eat. I know it's a problem but I don't know what to do about it. Lots of times I just end up "grazing" (I'm really sick of that word!) because I don't know what I want.
I don't know if there is a part of me that wants to lose weight or not. I can't figure that out. I know I don't want to gain weight. I know I won't be upset if I lose weight, but I don't want to get the looks that I give (not really give) the anorexic women I see walking down the streets of NY...and there are A LOT of them. I guess it's pretty easy to be disordered there. I also don't want to be sickly and miserable when I should be having the time of my life in a great city. I guess I know that I don't want to end up that way but I also don't know if I really can prevent that from happening. Of course I can prevent it if I really, really want to, but I don't really want to change anything right now. That would require me to eat a lot and I don't want to do that. I flat out told Charro today that I didn't want to change my eating. (I thought I was going to get fired again for that one). I can't lie to her though. That wouldn't be very productive. I guess I'm just really confused and torn. I don't want to end up sick, but I don't want to gain weight either. I guess it will be really interesting to see what happens. I don't want to mess up my life.
(Okay, it's now Sat. AM b/c I didn't have time to finish that yesterday).
I was standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth this morning and I thought 98 lbs is too little for me to weigh. (I don't weigh that). I don't know where that thought came from. I did weigh less today than I have as of late, which did get my a bit excited, so maybe that's where that thought came from. It's such a freaking one minute to the next time thing. One second you feel one way and the next you feel completely the opposite. I really don't get it.
I just got back from the grocery store and I usually love going there but today I felt a bit anxious. I bought some healthy things, egg whites, veggies, etc. but I was buying them and thinking that I'm wasting my money buying them because I don't really want to eat them. If I have them then I have to cook them and eat them and I'm not really in to the whole eating thing lately. Over the past few months I haven't even felt like cooking or baking, something I usually love doing. My guess is it's because I don't want to eat it. A part of it is that I'm also not around a lot because of field hockey, which is why I haven't been to the grocery store very much lately. I used to go a few times a week.
I don't know. I've just been putting my brain on overload lately and I have so many conflicting thoughts; I don't want to eat because I'm not hungry but I know I need to eat, but I don't want to gain weight...etc.
So that's that. I guess I'll shut up now...until later.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
She found a fireball in my room and was playing with it. Clearly, my room is NOT the cleanest thing in the world. I need to work on that, especially if I'm moving. Where the hell am I going to keep all my crap in a studio?? Ugh...
Hopefully this video will show up...if not, the post really makes no sense.PS. I was not talking to myself. I was talking to Jen.
Without further adieu, here it is...minus some parts, lots of parts, that don't matter.
I got invited to go play field hockey with my college team down in Texas. I was going to get to see Jen while I was there too. Well, (this is the very abbreviated version here) I didn't make my flight and I didn't make it to Texas. Next thing I knew, my parents had taken me to a rehab center. I was not happy to be there, to say the least, but remained pretty quiet about it.
I was in the shower there, in the middle of the facility, and the lady was standing right outside of the glass doors watching me. I finally told her to leave because I was getting pissed. I finished shaving my left armpit (my right one remained unshaven) and I opened the door and threw my pink razor out at my rents and the staff and yelled "this is fucking ridiculous!!" They took me out of the shower and I ran into my friend Slu from high school. Quickly told her what was going on and then I went to call my coach to tell her that I wasn't going to make the game. I called her and she said "you're plane is delayed? I knew it." I said "No, I'm in rehab." We talked for a few minutes and then hung up. I then realized that I could sign myself out so I signed the 72 and then I woke up.
Ugh, I left a lot out of that, but that's the gist of it.
I think my dumb appetite is back, which sucks. I like not eating better!!!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Me - "Why?"
S. - "Because you're dropping weight."
Me - (in all honesty) No, it's the shorts. Everytime I wear these shorts people tell me that I've lost weight.
S. - "You should wear those shorts everyday." (jokingly)
Now S. was hospitalized a few times for her anorexia back in our high school days. I'm sure she knows something's up, but whatever.
Actually, I should wear these shorts everyday, however they are like 10 years old and have no elasticity left so if I run or jump in them they fall down.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Yesterday, wait a minute, I don't remember yesterday. I think I went to the office. J. called to find out where he should stay when he goes to NYC this weekend. I went to practice and to our pasta dinner. At the dinner a couple of the girls said, "You're eating!! I've never seen you eat before." Um, I do eat. One mom said, "she doesn't look like she eats." Okay, new topic please.
So I rushed out of there, came home and changed my clothes and went to catch a train. I got into the city around 9.
This morning I woke up around 6:15 and got ready for my appointment with Charro in her new office. I ran there. It was the first time I've run outside since August 20th (2 days after my concussion that I didn't know I had, which is why I was running outside that day). My heart rate was crazy high, 185. I didn't think I was running all that fast and I didn't feel winded but apparently something was up (besides my heart rate). Could just be that I'm out of shape, which is highly possible since I haven't been running. I walked a few times to bring it down but then it shot right back up again.
I got to Charro 30 minutes early so I stretched in the park and then called Jen and got some water too. I met up with Charro on the street (not planned) and we walked in. She showed me her new digs...not bad. NO couch that, which really bugs me as I hate sitting face to face with people when I'm trying to talk. For the record, I SUCK at talking!!!! About 15 minutes into our SESSION the power went out. Ha!!! It was kind of nice. We got to sit there in the dark, though she did light a candle, not that it did much. Good thing there were windows in this office because there aren't in her old one. It was still pretty dark in there though. I told her that she's going to have to turn the lights out everytime I am there.
I was a little confused, more with myself, when I walked out of there. I was trying to figure out our next appointment and I was like "am I talking to you on Friday?" and we were both trying to figure it out. Finally I was like "Can I let you know?" and she was like "Yeah. Are you okay?" (because I was out of it or something.)
So then, I booked it to the subway and had to pee like a race horse, got on the subway, booked it back to my friend's place, peed, and left to meet with the broker; which I was 5 minutes late for. At this point it was 9:35 and I needed to be on an 11 AM train to come home. That did not happen. We walked around and he showed me a few apartments. We got to one that I loved, though I didn't see the actually apartment that I'd be getting. So, we went back and I filled out the paperwork. Then I had to run to the ATM and take out 500 bucks for a deposit and the stupid machine wouldn't let me do that (my mom just said SHOOOOOOOT), so I finally got my money, but had to get less than that. Luckily I had money in my wallet so I had enough to give the man. (I think I'm falling asleep). I ran back and gave him the money, did the other things I had to do, (It's now after 11. I clearly missed my train) ran back to my friend's place to get my stuff, grabbed a cab at 11:40 AM and got the the train station at 12 PM for my 12:07 train. (Sigh). I did have time to get a salad to bring on the train with me, which I didn't even want. I think I'm sick of salads.
I was hungry but not hungry at the same time. I haven't really had an appetite for the past month. I'm wondering if it's concussion related or I've just gotten to the point where I have actually lost my appetite. Even when I'm hungry I can't figure out what it is that I want to eat. I don't really crave anything. Like right now, it's dinner time and I'm not hungry at all. This all leads to another post I need to write about what will happen when I move to NYC. Hmm, that's later or tomorrow.
So, this concludes my long-ass post for the day. I don't know if I got the apartment yet. I have to do all the paperwork.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I went to watch my field hockey team play (college). Saw my coach. She runs hot and cold so you never know what you're going to get when you see her. The team won, so that was a good thing and when I said hello she gave me a great big hug. She actually seemed excited to see me. People who know here would know what I mean.
I came home and laid out for a bit. Then I went to my cousins for dinner, which usually stresses me out because of all the food, but I didn't eat a lot, only had some pasta, so things went well. I did weigh myself at her place before and after my meal which probably is a no no but I did it.
I left her place and went to watch the sunset and now here I am. It was beautiful.
Friday, October 19, 2007
How cute is she??
I had Charro this morning. Nothing too exciting happened. I mentioned that I am running to her office on Tuesday and she said "oh, this is the first I heard of this." Well, it's not like it's any big news or anything. I'll be going to her new office, which I have yet to go to. Should be interesting. I told her that I'm bummed that she doesn't have a couch. Her response, "For most people the couch is a good thing, but for you, I think you need to be face to face so you can't hide." Um, I don't like that idea so much. "I think that will be helpful." Again, not so much.
So...Charro on Tuesday at 8 AM in the NEW office...with NO couch :(
Thursday, October 18, 2007
My little on is sitting on the couch with her lampshade on. Poor thing. I want to take it off but the minute I do, she starts licking her cut. She's trying to lick herself right now but she's just licking the lampshade. How sad is that?!
I'm going to the outlets with my sister. I need to get some short workout sweats to wear when I run to Charro's office next week. I keep debating between shorts and sweats, but all my sweats are way too long and drag along the ground, so I don't want that. I just can't figure out if I'm going to be cold or not. I don't want to be cold but I don't want to sweat my pelotas off either. Hmm, I keep checking the weather to see what it's going to be like at 6:30 in the morning when I head to her office. I have to allow for "getting lost" time and "street traffic". It's only 5 miles but it will take me much longer when I factor in those to items plus the fact that I haven't been running so I'm so much slower now. Maybe my nervous energy will kick in. Let's just hope I don't end up dizzy when I get to her. That wouldn't look too good. I'll probably end up wearing shorts. I just need to find an outfit that makes me look skinny. (is that wrong?)
It's absolutely beautiful out today. It's much warmer than it should be. I love it. The trees are changing color. Unfortunately I hate the season that follows fall. It's way too cold for me.
Okay, since I can't look at this screen anymore I will stop typing.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I talked to my boss about moving to NYC and still working for him and he said that was okay. Yay!! Now I'm working on finding a place to live, and getting closer...I think!!
That's all. I must attend to my baby.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Now I need to talk about how much I hate food. Yes, I don't like it and I don't want to eat it. Okay, I like food, I just don't want to eat it. I ate three meals today and it sucked and I gained three fucking pounds. WTF? I can't deal with that. I hate eating. I really do. I don't want to do it anymore. I liked it so much better when I was away and not hungry and not eating. That's going to by my life in NYC. Well, I'll eat, but I won't have to which makes it much better. I love that I haven't had an appetite for the most part. I need it to stay that way. I hate gaining weight and I better lose 2 pounds before I go to bed tonight or I will be really mad. The good news, I can run, run, run on the treadmill tomorrow. YAY!!
I got her in the crate and she cried and and cried. I talked to her (not like she knew what I was saying) but I told her that I was doing this because I love her and I want her to be better. Then I thought to myself, I can take such great care of her and love her so much, why can't I do the same for myself? The same question I get from Charro a lot. She's (my cat) so sweet and innocent and I love her to death, I don't want to see her suffer. That must be exactly how my parents feel. Ugh...it's horrible. I can't be a mom and have to worry like that someday.
I guess I should shower so I can go talk to my boss about moving to NYC. Hopefully it will go well. Hopefully my little squishes surgery will go well and the day will be happy.
Monday, October 15, 2007
This from a 5 year old. No one even said anything to me, he was just watching me eat. I love that little bugger.
**I did eat what was on my plate, I just picked apart my chicken and a roll.**
What a freaking cutie he is. I love him!!!
So, even more evidence that he's not the guy for me. He's told me about his past and how he's gotten into a lot of fights, got stabbed in the leg (I saw the scare), etc. He said that was all behind him, but you know it never really is. So, when he just told me that he broke a bone in his foot I asked how. He said he got into a little fight with someone after the person took a swing at his friend. Not really cool. Not my kind of guy.
So, that's that.
Bertha made me happy this morning. I realize that I'm not eating enough. I see that, but on the other hand I don't really want to start eating more. I don't mind that I'm not eating much yet I know it's not good for me. I know if I eat I'll gain weight and I don't want that. It's not easy. Oh well.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
My feet hurt but I'm home for a bit. I was in NYC for the weekend and had a blast, of course, but it's good to be home. I have lots of things to do, like unpack from this weekend and Vegas, do laundry, work, work out, coach, sleep, take care of my babies. My Squish is having her second surgery on Tuesday so I will be stressed about that and worried, of course. They're bringing in a specialist to do the surgery. I hear he's good but his personality/people skills suck. He said that the cancer is very aggressive and will most likely come back. So, keep those positive thoughts flowing that the surgery goes well and no cancer comes back!!
So, NYC was a blast. Did some apartment hunting, shopping and birthday celebrating. It was my friend G's b-day so we went to dinner and to karaoke and then to brunch today. Yes, we saw Will Farrell at brunch. That was pretty funny.
The meals went fine. I ate too much at lunch and was stuffed but I guess it was okay because I didn't really each much today. It was egg whites and veggies, so it's not like it was an unhealthy lunch. The scale didn't like it though. Hmm, it needs to go back down. Vegas treated me nicely weigh-wise.
Oh, I ran 6 miles yesterday and didn't feel dizzy or anything. YAY!! I will run again tomorrow. The only thing that sucked was my speed. I ran so much slower than I usually do, which really bugs me but part of me knows that I need to sort of ease back into this.
I called J. while I was in Vegas. I was bored so I called and left him a message. He called me back that night and left me a message. I called him back Friday night and left him a message but haven't heard back from him. He's been at a conference all weekend though. Things didn't end on a nasty note so I thought it would be nice to touch base with him.
So, that's pretty much it. I will hopefully go to bed soon so I can wake up and work my ass off at the gym!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Vegas rocked!! I got back last night and am completely exhausted right now. I'll post some pics later on, when I get a chance. I saw the Beatles Cirque De Sole and it was absolutely unbelievable. I sat there with my mouth hanging open the entire time. I was so tired during it. It was my first day there and the show was at 10 PM (1 AM my time) so it was a long day. I loved it though. I just loved Vegas in general. I definitely want to go back.
Today has been a day of appointments. I got my hair done this morning, then had Charro, then had my doctor's appointment. When can I sleep?
Tomorrow I am heading into the city for my friend's b-day bash. Good times baby. Maybe I'll find an apartment while I'm there too, but I'm not holding my breath.
We're going out to dinner tomorrow before heading out for a night of fun. Sunday we're going out to brunch. Ugh, that's a lot of eating. I'm going to try to not be an eating disordered disaster this weekend because I don't want to ruin anyone's fun. Yes, it's going to suck having to eat two big meals but I'll make it work somehow. I just don't want to look like I'm freaking out after I've eaten. I just feel like it's going to be harder than usual because I spent all this week not really having to eat much. I know I'm going to be freaking out, I just don't want it to be obvious to anyone. I hope I do a good job of hiding it. It would be even better if I could just go out and eat like a normal person and NOT care. Meals shouldn't be so difficult and stressful. They really shouldn't. It just sucks. I really just want everyone else to have fun and not have anything be an issue. I just don't want to f up anyone's good time. I KNOW we will have a blast, dancing and singing. It will be fun and I'm looking forward to it.
I think I've extended the usage of my brain power for the day. I need to take a nap but my nephews are coming over so I guess that will have to wait. I may be back later.
At some point in time I will have to catch up with everyone else's blogs. I've been AWOL for the past week and probably will be through the weekend. I hope you're all well.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
K, I have to go workout!
Monday, October 08, 2007
I'm on the airplane, on my way to Vegas. I have no idea how I'm going to sit here for another 4 hours. I can't sit still long enough to watch a movie, never mind sitting in the same position for 5 plus hours. Fun stuff. I tried sleeping. I read a little and now I'm blogging. I'm thirsty but I don't want to drink my water because then I'll have to pee, which means disturbing the two people sitting next to me.
I was hoping I'd have something brilliant to write while I was on here but I don't. Oh well. Maybe I should FFJ. I don't want to take out my FFJ because the lady next to me might think I'm nuts so I will just FFJ on my computer and then print it out for good ole Charro.
I guess that's it for now. This won't be posted until I get into my hotel room. Ew, it smells like a bologna burb on this plane. I might throw up.
I think I have cramps too., That's a blast.
Okay, I'm done for now.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
After the walk I went to the store to get luggage then went to the office to get some more supplies for Vegas. My boss forgot a ton of stuff so I had to go get it and am now carrying a bag of crap which weighs about 40 lbs, no exaggeration! I got there and I was exhausted (sleepy exhausted) and hungry. I just wanted to go home. Well, my keys didn't work because he had changed the locks so I had to call another girl in to open the office for me. Ugh! My feet were pretty achy and tired at this point too, by the way, but it was for a good cause.
I got home and was SO tired and hungry, but more tired than hungry. I fell asleep outside for a few minutes and then jumped in the pool. Swimming in October here is unheard of. Our pool is usually closed by now.
I ate and showered and went to my game and did some other stuff. Now I'm sweating, trying to pack, and trying to download music onto my MP3, which has not been successful because I can't remember how to do it.
I am SOOOO tired. I just need to go to bed.
I was pretty dizzy yesterday, and a little bit today too. I made a doctor's appointment so Charro can't fire me again.
Okay, now I need to figure out my music so I can go to bed.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Um, I'm trying to do a million things at once so I will continue this later.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
It could just be that I am dumb and my results are exactly what they would have been 2 yrs ago. Who knows. I might go with that. ;) I guess I'll have to get re-tested to see how the score would compare to what I got today.
So, that's the story.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I haven't had much of an appetite the lately, which is fine with me. My stomach's, or digestion rather, has been a little "not happy" yesterday and today. I wonder if I have a little something or something. I don't know. I feel fine so I don't really care. It's all good.
I haven't made a doctor's appointment yet. I've been putting it off because I don't really feel like I need to go. My head feels fine now so I don't see why I need to go. Seems sort of stupid to me. I guess I'm going to have to call at some point though. It's so ridiculous!!!
I have a game this afternoon and I don't feel like going. It's the team that's the farthest away and it's not until 4:30. We're usually done by then. Ugh. Plus we killed this team on Saturday and I hate that. I did everything I could to not run up the score anymore. I felt bad for the other team.
So, that's about it. Nothing exciting going on here.
UGH, my dad is eating popcorn and it's driving me INsane!! I HATE the way he eats!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
J. emailed me a bunch of times last night. He said he can't stop thinking about me and he hopes this isn't the end of us. I feel good today. Yes, J. has some really great qualities but I just was not in love with him. The break up was a good thing. I do miss him a little, but not nearly as much as I should miss him if I truly loved him.
I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I'm not sure why but I'm also not complaining about it. I eat when I'm hungry, and sometimes I'm starving so I'll chow down. When I'm not hungry, I'll have a few bites of something because I know I should eat.
I've been thinking about Jen all day today. She checked in to IP today. I hope she sticks it out and does well. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to go there. I can't imagine what she must be feeling and going through. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. Ugh.
The rest of my week is so busy between work, field hockey and all these other engagements that I have. There will be no rest for the weary when I get home from Vegas either. I'll be exhausted but it will be fun!!
I should really go put my laundry away now.
Oh, I did some Christmas shopping today. I didn't plan on it but it happened, which is always a good thing. I stopped at BJ's on my way home from seeing a client and got some cool stuff. Yeah...a little of an accomplishment!
Monday, October 01, 2007
So, I just got an email from J., two actually. He doesn't have the Internet but he was at his parents house and emailed me. He wrote me a second time saying how he was waiting by the computer for me to email him back, and waiting for his phone to ring. Actually, this is what he said.
NY was good, minus getting my jacket stuck in the cab door. (That was actually really funny). G. and I were running around town like nuts going to open houses. We had an agenda and a time limit. It was nuts. Something else funny happened but I can't remember what it was. Oh well.
Thanks for all your kind words!!
So, J. and I broke up a few minutes ago. I hadn't talked to him since Friday, but did call him and leave a message on Saturday, which he said he never got. (I do believe him).
I'm not going to play his games. He wants me to fight for him and chase him, and I'm not going to do that. So, it's over. That's it, and I have one of his sweatshirts. Of course, he still wants to be friends...