Friday, September 28, 2007

Fired!

I just got home from NYC and I'm exhausted. Charro fired me today. Said there's nothing she can do for me. She said she "feels guilty taking my money" because we're getting nowhere, basically. Whatever. Then she came back, after firing me, with a (shit, I just blanked out on the word, it's sort of like stipulation but with a C)...basically she said she wouldn't see me again unless I go to the doctor to get my head checked out. My response, there not going to do anything. There's nothing they can do. They'll look at my eyes and take my blood pressure and that's it. Whatever, so that's what I told her, which is so true. Ugh, I'm just pissed.

WHATEVER!! I'm going to bed. I'll write about this more later, when I get a chance, but who knows when that will be. Basically, she fired me and then re-hired me and I don't know why. I think she just wanted to see me get pissed off. Whatever!

I don't see her again until November because of my schedule so I don't have to see a doctor until then. How the hell will she know if I go anyway. Hello, I am a good liar...most of the time! Oh, her biggest thing was that she can't continue to work with me if I want to lose weight. That's fine. I get it. I'll just stop writing about wanting to lose weight and needing to lose weight and she won't know about it. That way she doesn't know I'm trying to.

UGH...Now I'm really going to bed.



***CONTINGENT upon*** That's the word. It came to me last night while I was brushing my teeth.

Busy, busy

I'm leaving for NYC in an hour. I'll hang out for a bit and then see Charro. At some point I will come home only to wake up, work out, shower, go coach my game, go get my jeans that don't fit hemmed, (b/c that will put me in a good mood) along with a suit that I bought last year, go back to NYC and then maybe breathe!! I'm not quite sure about that though.

My head is still feeling messed up today. Ugh, what the heck!? Whatever, I guess I just need to take it easy...

I'm not too fond of my hair right now, but I don't really care either. Ha! Oh well. I don't know what to wear to the city. I'll be walking a lot and don't want to die of heat, but I don't want to freeze either. Pants? Shorts? Jean skirt?? So many choices. I guess I have to figure it out soon.

So, maybe I'll get home early enough to post tonight. We shall see. Hasta la vista.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Stuff, and another therapy dream

I'm sitting here watching Dancing w/ the Stars. I'm bored and I guess tired, but not really. I'm watching my nephews, whom are fast asleep in the beds with the "Cars" lights on. I love those little buggers. (My nephews, not the lights). This weekend I'm heading into the city. I was supposed to spend the whole weekend there but that got all messed up, which pissed me off royally. So now, I'm going in on Friday for my appointment with Charro. Of course I have nothing to talk about, once again. Then I am coming home and going back Saturday afternoon. Ugh, would have been nice if I could have just stayed there but now I have a game Saturday morning.

I can't weigh myself tonight or in the morning...AND, I may not get to workout tomorrow, which is freaking me a bit. I may have to go to breakfast with J. in the morning, after we leave here. Ugh, totally screwing up my day.

I guess I could use a day of rest since my head was pretty much spacey/spinny this morning while I was working out. It's like I can't focus on things, the computer screen too, and it scares me. I guess I should be scared. Two concussions in less than 2 months is not a good thing. I can't afford to not be able to workout though, and not run. I must be able to do it. Now that I think about it though, it could be allergies or something. A ton of people have sinus infections and I usually get some vertigo this time of year. It doesn't feel like vertigo though. I don't know.

(I really want to go on a cruise. Just saw a commercial)

I had ANOTHER therapy dream last night. This time I went to Charro's office and there were three others in there with me, two girls and a guy. There was also a window behind the couch, which isn't there in real life. I was sitting there, at first, in a pink sleeper. Then, and I don't know when I changed my clothes, I was in a big yellow sweatpants and my brother's soccer shirt. The room was dark and there was a flat screen TV in there, that I was watching. I was pissed that there were other people in there because it was just supposed to be me. Charro came over to me, and I wasn't talking at all, and started poking at me and counting my ribs. I was like, What are you doing?? It was weird. I don't know why I keep having all these crazy dreams.


Hmmm, I think I'm tired. I'll probably go to bed soon. I have nothing else to do.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I try...

To keep it positive but I'm just no good at it. I don't know what to say, just more of the same, I guess. I can't deal with my weight. I really just can't deal. I cannot lose weight for the life of me. I have to and it won't go away. What is that all about? I just want to get skinny. That's all I ask for. Why is that so much to ask for? Grrrr...I JUST WANT TO GET/BE SKINNY!!!! I can not stand that I'm too fat for me. I don't even know what else to say. I just need to get skinny!!!!

I think I figured it out

I've realized why my jeans don't fit me anymore, besides the whole gaining weight thing, it's because I haven't been running because of my concussion(s). So, I started back up and I ran today. I only did 5 miles today and there's a part of me that feels a little spacey/dizzy, but maybe it's just my imagination. I want to keep running. I need to keep running. It feels so good on my body. I can tell which part of my legs and butt are feeling it and they're the same parts that don't fit into my jeans. Maybe that's why I've gained weight too. It's really the only explanation that I can think of.

Okay, so Charro says that my body is "holding onto everything" because I don't feed it properly. Perhaps that is the case. I understand the physiology behind the body and what it needs to function. Perhaps I'm not giving it what it needs but it's not helping me out either. Start dropping some pounds and maybe then we'll talk. Okay, so I'm contradicting myself, I know. You need food to burn fat. Yada Yada Yada. I get it. I just don't get it at the same time. I know that not eating seems to be the most productive for me when it comes to losing weight, when in fact, it is actually working against me. Ugh, so many contradictions. Oh well. It happens.

The weather here is beautiful so I need to get my buns outside to enjoy it. It won't last long.

Bertha's back up and that sucks a big ass...mine!

Monday, September 24, 2007

I hate ups

My scale goes down and then goes right back up? I can't stand that!! ARGH!!! I just don't get it. Apparently I just can't put food in my stomach at all because I just gain weigh everytime I eat. It's really exciting for me. I couldn't ask for anything more. Rrrrriight! I'd really appreciate it if my scale, aka Bertha, would just go down and down. I need number decreasage (made up word) and I need it now!! BLAH!!!

Why is Martina so skinny? It's really not fair at all. She's got stick legs and stick arms and I can't fit into my friggin jeans. That's not pleasant!!

Another crazy dream

I had another therapy dream last night. It was long so I'm gonna keep this short. I had an appointment with Charro, though it wasn't really Charro. It might have been her name still but not here. I don't really know. What I do know is that my T was the girl I cat sat for.

I don't really know what happened but we ended up having my session at my house, which was weird. My whole family was here, including my sister. My T and I came up to my room and sat on the floor for the session. My sis came too. We sat down and my sister was talking to her and I was sitting there watching TV, not really paying attention. My T. got mad and turned the TV off. Ha. There was more to that but I don't really remember.

The next day I had an appointment at her office, but the hallway long and there were all these different ways to get there. I was nervous because I was late. My appt. was at 11 AM and I was leaving my house at 10:56 to get there. I knew I wasn't going to make it. I started riding my bike and then turned around because I figured driving would be much faster. I ended up getting there 15 minutes late and she was staring out of her door, which was cracked open, waiting for me, just about to leave. I felt so bad that I was late and I kept apologizing. That was pretty much it, I think.

Good news of the day, my scale is down. It just needs to keep going down...a lot and I will be much happier. Yay for that. I guess it kind of helps when you don't have an appetite. I hope I just keep not having an appetite. I don't know why I don't really have one, but it's nice.

...

Sometimes things in my life suck, which make my life a litte crappy, but overall, my life itself is good.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sucky night.

J. came over last night and 30 seconds after he got here I knew it was going to be a bad night. I guess I don't really feel like writing about it because there's nothing to write. He talked for a long time and I, of course, said nothing. It sucked. I cried. That was my night and it sucked.

I woke up and lost no weight, which sucks even more. Blah!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Runnin' and feelin' good

Today has been a busy day. I woke up at 6:27 AM to go to the gym, but I only had like 35 minutes to workout because I had to be at field hockey at 8:30 AM. So, I woke up and really wanted to run. H. told me to give it another week but I felt/feel good and H. wasn't there to see me run, so I ran. I ran 4 miles and it felt great!! I actually did it faster than I expected considering that fact that I haven't run in 5 weeks. My heart rate was 185 at one point, but that's okay. It's time for me to get back in shape!! Woo hoo!

I got home at 2 and was starving so I made and egg white and jalapeno omelette. Yum. Now I just want to take a nap so I think I might do just that.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A little bit bored

I should be doing laundry but I really don't want to, so I'm not. I guess I will do that at some point tomorrow or Saturday. I'm just kind of bored. I just wrote in my FFJ and now here I am. I don't really have anything to talk about. Same as usual, you know?

I'm still trying desperately to lose weight, with no success I might at. That sucks!!! Why can't it just come off? It really needs to come off. I'd like to lose two pounds by next Friday. I don't know why I can't lose weight. Seriously, it's just really annoying!!


Eh, I need to go snoop around on my mom's computer to see what type of stuff they have googled to find out about eds, etc. Oh, they googled my name and blog to see if I have a blog. I might have written about that. Stress much?!?!

Crazy dreams

I had four dreams that I can remember last night. I woke up from one with my heart racing.

The first dream I had was that my parents were sending me IP. Obviously that came from me talking to Jen right before bed.

The second dream, and this is the one where I woke up freaking out, I was sitting on the couch and my mom was on her computer. I had my laptop on my lap and could see the things she was searching for. She was searching blogs and came across mine. I frantically tried to make my blog private but my hands were shaking so badly and my mouse wasn't working that I couldn't do it. I ran upstairs to see if she had gotten on the page and she was about to click on it. She said "What's this 'Just Babbling' thing?" I freaked and said, "Please don't read it. Please! Please!" She clicked on it and I woke up. My heart was pounding.

The next dream I had, I was in Nashville (well, it looked like Nashville) and it was night time. I was with a bunch of people, Jen being one of them, and we were trying to get somewhere, possibly New York. It started thundering and lightening and I was pulling her down a hill in a R@dio Flyer Wagon. (I don't know that is underlined.) I pulled her into a popular coffee shop, *bucks. Then I woke up.

The other dream isn't important.

Freaking dreams. I guess I have something to talk to Charro about tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Numb and tingly

I just got back from the dentist and my face is pretty numb. My guess is that it will be numb for at least another 4 hours since she gave me a double dose of Novocaine. Yah! I also have the grossest taste in my mouth. I guess I can't eat because I don't want to mistakenly bite my tongue off or something. ;)

So, I just totally forgot what I was going to say...

Onto more important news. My little Squish's blood test results came back all good! YAY!! All I have to do now it wait for the doctor to return my call so we can schedule her next surgery. The ortho specialist that will be doing the operation is out of town until next week, so I have to wait a week or two. I'm SO HAPPY that her blood results were good. We just have to get the rest of this cancer, if it indeed spread, out of her leg and I will be SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!

On another note, I still have 4 pounds to lose.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tell me about that

I was sitting in Charro's office about a month ago. We were discussing "therapist phrases." I said, "Yeah, you said one yesterday. You were like 'tell me about that.'" (I imitated her voice). She looks at me and says, "Ooh, I sound sexy! Do I really sound like that?" We both cracked up. I was like "yeah." It was so funny, probably the funniest thing that's happened in therapy thus far. I still laugh everytime I think about it.

So, this morning I was teaching a strength conditioning class. We were doing push-ups and one of the women has a shoulder problem and can't do them. I went over to her and said, "you can lay down on your bench and do some bench presses," as I proceeded to show her. She says to me, "Tell me about that." I nearly died laughing. I did laugh, but not as hard as I could have because no one would know why I was laughing and it's not really a story I can share with my aerobics class. It was pretty damn funny though.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Some results

Hey guys,
Thanks for your comments. Took the little one to the vet. She got her stitches out and had an x-ray and ultra sound. The good news is that she has NO masses any where in her body, however her liver is "round," or more round than it should be so they did a blood test to see what that it about. The doctor said that it could be her age. I'll have the results on Wednesday.

She still has to have another surgery on her leg, this time by a specialist. They need to take out more of the area because they're not sure if it has spread outside of what they took out of her. So, a couple more trips to the vet and hopefully she will be okay!!


Charro called this morning, caught me off guard. It's not anything worth writing about, just some odds and ends.

I'm thirsty and tired.

I love when my mom makes food comments to me. Tonight it was "What do you live off spinach these days?" Um, stop talking please, mother!

And the next step is?

I'm off to the vet in a few hours to see what the next step is. I'm nervous and don't want to hear what she's going to have to say, probably. Ugh. I just want my babes to be all better.

I guess I should do some work. Maybe I'll write later tonight. Who knows.

Friday, September 14, 2007

The Charmeister

Had my appointment with Charro this morning. It sucked. Not because of anything she said or anything we talked about, it was more like I didn't talk about anything which pisses me off. While I'm there, I feel like I have nothing to say. There was a lot of "I have nothing to talk about," a lot of blank stares, a lot of playing with silly putty, and a lot of "I don't knows." I feel like I'm wasting her time and my money. I did ask her about her tattoo. I said "Did you get another tattoo?" She said "No, don't look at it. It's all scabby. I'm getting it removed and that's what happens with the laser." Okay.

We talked about my cat. We talked about my "eating disorder" and how she "hears" that I really don't want to change any of my behaviors. I had a headache too and felt a little spacey so I couldn't really concentrate too well. I did bring up possibly doing a double session in October. I think that would be helpful so I have to see if I can work that out in my schedule.

That's really about it. We're taking my squish to the doc on Monday. Ugh, we have to decide by then if we want to cut her open again or have some x-rays done. Ugh...

Fall

I beginning to hate the Fall. I guess it's more like September when things tend to be all crappy. Last year, my grandmother died. So far this year, I've had my parents confront me about my eating and all that crap and not my Squish has cancer and I don't know what the next step it. It all just sucks!!

I only heard the words, "I have cancer" from someone I love dearly once before...and that was in October 2000...Fall again. I can remember it perfectly. I was home from college that day, probably doing laundry, and my parents sat me down at the kitchen table. I knew something was up. My dad looked and me and told me that he had colon cancer. I kind of just went into shock and denial. I couldn't process the seriousness of what he said. All I kept thinking is "He'll be fine. He'll be fine." It wasn't until I got back to my dorm room that I broke down. I cried in the arms of my roommate for a while.

Dad had surgery and IS fine now. He's cancer free. :)

Now it's my Tibbs with the cancer and I don't know if it's spread, if they got it all, or what. They don't know. There's a million tests/options as to what to do next but I don't know what to do next. I've just been trying not to think of any of this because I'll lose it. I just love her so much. She sleeps with me every night and doesn't wake up until I do. She sits with me in my chair at dinner, follows me everywhere and sits with me while I do my work. She's always there. It was so weird to not have her around last week while she had her surgery.


Ugh, it just all sucks. At some point it's going to all hit me and I will break down. Let's just hope it's not in Charro's office in 2 1/2 hours. No crying please!

I have to go home to a busy day and that's the last thing I feel like dong. I just want to sit home with Tibbs and hold her and kiss her little squishy face.


I'm sad...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Biopsy results...Not a good day

I answered the phone to "It's not good news." Great! I don't really feel like writing about this because I don't know what the doctor told me and I don't know what the next step is, but my little Squish had a cancerous tumor removed from her leg. I don't know what the next step is. We go back on Monday.

Ugh...

Here are some pics of my little girl. I'm sure people are thinking it's just a cat, get over it! but that is NOT the case! She's my baby girl.





In poor judgement

I ran again this morning and I will be the first to admit that it was not a good idea. I only ran 1 1/2 miles but I shouldn't have done. It was a slow run too and then I moved over to the elliptical for an hour. I'm feeling a bit "weird," for lack of a better term. I can't really describe how my head feels. I'm not dizzy but spacey maybe. Like tired or something. I don't really know and can't explain it. Oh well, can't do anything about it now but I guess I'll lay off the running for another couple weeks. I got yelled at by a nurse today too. She said "didn't we talk about this last week and how your brain needs time to heal?" I said "I don't remember." HA HA!!

Okay, I need to shower because I'm heading to NYC today and am seeing Charro tomorrow morning, unless I just don't go. I don't want to go, I really don't. I have nothing to talk about.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Jeans!

The jeans I bought in June with EJ when we were in NYC are SOOOO friggin tight and I can NOT deal!! I tried them on again tonight only to have near mental breakdown...again. How the fuck can they be sooooooo tight?? I tried the lunge and the squat but nothing worked!! NOTHING!!! They cut off my circulation and I'm not even kidding. I think I just need to wear them all the time so I can remember to keep my mouth shut and not put any food in it. When they start falling off is when I can function again!

It felt good

I ran this morning and it felt good. Granted I ran slowly and not for very long, but it felt good. (Concussion-wise. I didn't get dizzy and my head didn't hurt).I got caught running by H. and she gave me the I see what your doing wave so I stopped and walked. Then I got caught by her again so I stopped again. Then I figured, what the heck, I'm 29 years old, she's not going to yell at me. She did that last week when she said "You cannot run for 8 weeks!" Um whatever!

So I only ran 3 miles but it felt good. My head felt fine so I plan on picking it up a bit this weekend. I'll make Saturday a big run and go all out. Saturday will be four weeks from when I got my concussion so it should be fine.

I don't want to go see Charro on Friday. Ugh, I really don't. I don't have anything further to discuss with her. I just get frustrated and pissed off because I'm not going to eat more. I'm not going to stop weighing myself and I'm not going to stop working out. So basically, there's no reason for me to go. We can sit there and stare at each other while I play with my silly puddy! That's a good way to waste money. Ugh! I'm sure I'll leave there on Friday happy that I went, but who knows. As of right now, I really don't want to go.

**So when I said that it "felt good" I meant because of the concussion stuff. I still don't feel any better about all the other crap.**

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Not so sure

I'm a little hungry but not really. I don't want to eat. I really don't want to have to eat dinner tonight. I'm on a mission and having to eat dinner with my parents is NOT going to help me accomplish my mission.

I don't even have any desire to eat, which is a good thing. I mean, right now there is this small part of me that wants something bread like or salty, but then there is the bigger part of me that doesn't want to eat anything at all. I just hope I don't give in to the part that's telling me to eat, though I know I'm going to have to eat dinner. There's no getting out of it and that sucks. I wish I could just eat a couple bites of something now and be done for the day. That's all I really want.

Monday, September 10, 2007

On the verge

I'm going to have a mental breakdown in about 5 seconds. Let the countdown begin. I am fucking huge and I cannot take it anymore. Stop reading now if you don't want to hear it. I'm going insane. I bought these jeans in June (with EJ) and now they are fucking tighter than all hell. What the fuck!? Seriously, I am not eating the rest of the week. I'll eat breakfast and then it's very strict after that. Fuck this shit. I'm fucking not happy and I have to go out with J. and I don't want to because I really don't want to be with anyone right now.

I'm getting up early and spending 2 hours at the gym. Fuck this dumb concussion because I'm fine and I'm running. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I don't know what else to do. I want to scream. I want to fucking just stop eating and get skinny. I hate this. I fucking hate the way I feel. I hate that my fucking clothes don't fit me. I want to cry. I want to throw up. I want to run. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm going to lose it tonight, I know it.

I thought, oh, I wish I was talking to Charro tomorrow, but what the hell could she do for me right now?? Nothing!! NOTHING is going to help me, nothing but losing weight!!!!!!

I'm sure I'll get nasty comments from this post but I don't really care. I need to say exactly how I'm feeling and it is what it is. I hate my friggin body. I hate how I feel and how I look. I hate how my fancy jeans for fucking cutting off the circulation in my body. I HATE IT ALL!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! I better stick to my fucking guns and not eat tomorrow. I need to.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yuck-a-doodles

Why do I keep getting fatter?
I have no appetite, which is good.
I'd like to throw up.
I need to lose 7 pounds.
I think I just pick random numbers, but SEVEN sounds good.
I hate my body.
I need to go FFJ now and hope I lose 2 lbs before the night is over.

Heart rate monitor

I got a new heart rate monitor Friday night after I flat lined on Friday during my workout. I had hash marks for a heart rate. So, of course I started freaking Friday night and needed to go buy a new one, though I did have a very old strap that would have worked with my watch.

Anyway, I went and got a new one and I LOVE it because it does so much more than my old one. Sends me messages, keeps weekly logs of things, and who knows what else it does because I haven't read the manual yet. Anyway, my big concern is that it's giving me a false calorie count. I only worked out for an hour today and it said I burned 545 calories. Normally, with my old one, it probably would have only registered as 350 calories, maybe. My old one would turn off a lot and stop registering many times, if my arm was too far from my chest or something, so maybe this one is right. Who knows. My concern is that I will start thinking it's right and believing that I've burned more calories than I have, which is not a good thing at all. No no!! Dilemmas. I know Charro just wants me to get rid of the thing completely but that is not happening.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Just hanging around

I'm sitting here and bored so I thought I'd post. My little Squish is on my lap, lampshade and all. I just took her down to the basement so she could go potty. I'm not sure she can make it down the stairs on her own, though I'm sure she can. I just like to baby her.

My friend G. came to town for the night. We're such old ladies. We ate dinner at 5 and were both could have gone to bed at 6. We were so tired. She had an reason to be tired, I, however, had no excuse.

Anyway, we went to this little place by the water to eat outside. I ate my wrap, the entire thing, and felt sick after. I honestly can't remember when I felt that way. I was so full and felt like throwing up. (Not even on purpose, though that might have made me feel better). I was uncomfortably full. I usually only eat half the wrap but I was still hungry so I ate the whole thing. Bad idea!

We drove around a bit and then came back home and did nothing. We were shot. Today we hung out for a bit and made some pizzas. Very low key. It was good.

Now I'm sitting here, drinking my tea and will go to bed early.

I go to see Charro on Friday. It's been a month since I've seen her so it might be weird, though I'm looking forward to actually being able to talk to her face to face...I think. Too bad I've gained a ton of weight since I last saw her. Well, I have 4 days to get it off, what are the chances? I'm working on it. Here's the problem, I want to lose weight so I don't know why I'm even bothering with this whole therapy thing, though now I have to because I told my rents I would. Too bad I really don't have any desire to make any changes. There, I was honest!

Friday, September 07, 2007

Well, that wasn't so great

My SESSION with Charro sucked today. The pile of dead rats on the rocks by the water where I was going to sit to talk to her should have clued me off as to what was to come. Ugh, I don't really know why it was so bad. I didn't have anything to talk about, though she seemed to disagree with that. At one point I think I got pretty pissed at her and might have even snapped at her. I think it all transpired from her saying I should not workout for three weeks. WHAT?!?! I don't know what she was really trying to say, whether she was saying that because of my concussion, which is so much better, or because it's the only way to break free from my "compulsion" to workout. I think it was the latter, or so that's what she seemed to be saying. I was like "I would never tell anyone to not workout for three weeks unless there was a legit reason for them not to be." I think I got really pissed at this. I remember looking at my watch at 11:26 AM and thinking, I could just hang up on her and pretend like my cell phone died or I lost service. I must have been really pissed to think that. Actually, maybe I was more frustrated than pissed, I'm not really sure. It all sucked though because I didn't have anything to talk about.

I moved off the rocks and into my car because it was getting windy and I was afraid she wouldn't be able to hear me. I forget what we we're talking about but she said "who are you trying to convince that you don't have an eating disorder? You or me?" She seems to think I'm in denial. I think that I don't really have a problem.

That was that.

My little squish ate and drank a little today. Now she is sitting on my lap so it's hard for me to type so I will conclude this.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Kitty update

I picked up my little one and now we have to wait for the biopsy results to come in...the end of next week. She's in a lampshade, which makes me so sad. They had to cut deeper into her leg than they thought because the thing was growing in her muscle too. So, she has stitches on the inside and outside of her leg. My poor baby. She's been hiding under the bed since we got home. :(

My Squish

I woke up with my little Squish on my bed this morning, as I do every morning. This morning, however, I could not feed either of my babies because if I fed one, the other would eat and I couldn't let Squish eat. My "Bugs" was starving and sitting in front of where their bowls usually are. Both were in the kitchen waiting for their breakfast. :(

It was hard trying to capture Squish to get her to the vet. She knew what was going on. I finally got her and she cried the whole way there, at least it's only 5 minutes away. It tears me apart to hear her cry like that. My poor baby. We got to the vet and I had to sign a waiver stating that I would pay for anything extra that may need to be done, in case of an emergency. Let's hope there are no emergencies. It also stated that there may be complications from anesthesia, etc. Let's hope not!!

I hated leaving her there and NOT knowing what's going on is the worst. The doc will call me at some point today. Who knows when. I'm completely exhausted because I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't really sleep after that. I just want today to be over, my baby to be back home and for her to be okay! My stomach is going to get all knotty when the vet calls because who knows what the news will be. Will they have gotten the whole lump out? If so, then everything should be fine, if not, we have to wait for the biopsy. Ugh...It's all a big waiting game.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Random stuff

I'm tired. This being outside all afternoon just wipes me out.

My little Squish goes in for her surgery tomorrow. Poor thing. She's sitting on my lap right now. She's so cute and I feel bad for her. She has no idea what she's in for. She's the sweetest little cat.

My parents didn't mention anything to me about therapy or anything. Hopefully they won't but I know they will. My dad is not that problem, it's my mom. She's so into my business and it drives me insane. She's not going to give up on this wanting to go see Charro thing. I hope she doesn't ask me any questions when I talk to Charro on Friday. I hate questions.

I went for a walk and talk with my friend H. today. God, I love her. She is just so good at listening and giving advice. She was like "Three years ago you would never have been so open about all of this." She also added "I don't think you're ready to get better, but you're talking and that's a step." I guess she said that before she said the other thing but i don't feel like moving things around.

I got to see my nephews today. I haven't seen them in a week and I missed them so much. My "bugs" started kindergarten. Yesterday he came home and said that no one would play with him. That completely breaks my heart. It makes me SO sad because he is just the sweetest thing in the world. I just want to eat him up.

I can't stop thinking about my dad last night and how he completely lost it and was crying like crazy. He was hugging me so tight I thought I was going to suffocate. It kills me to think of what he must have been thinking or feeling. How much I must have hurt him and how much he loves me. I don't really know how I felt while I was in his arms and he was crying. I have no idea but I do know that it kills me to think about.

I think I'm done now.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Well this just sucks!

I don't even know where to begin...UGH! Here's the abbreviated version, I hope.

I had a phone "SESSION" with Charro at 6. I got home from practice at 5:15 and had to leave my house by 5:45 so I can get where I needed to be to talk to Charro. At like 5:20 I said to my mom, "I need to leave at 5:45" and she asked why so I said "I am going to go talk to the lady my friend found for me." She said "huh?" I said, "You wanted me to go talk to someone so I'm going to talk to someone." Then my dad said "Are you serious" and I said yes and my mom said "How come you don't tell us anything. You never talk to us. You need to talk to us." My dad came over and hugged me so tight, it actually hurt my neck, and was bawling. It made me sad. He was crying so hard. He was like "I'm so glad that you're going to talk to someone. You know that we (mom and dad) are here for you and are the ones that can help you the most." I told them both not to worry. I said "If you don't believe me (about talking to someone) you can call my friend." There was a little more to it but it's irrelevant.

Had my session with Charro. She was like "You sound pissed, well not pissed, but frustrated and angry." It was a tough session, I have to admit. All I really want is to lose weight so I don't know if this is all worth it for me (talking to her). I do like talking to her though. God, I need Charro tomorrow too after my past few hours.

I told her how much I dreaded going home b/c I knew my rents would ask me a ton of questions about this.

I got home and no one said anything for a few minutes. Then my dad asked how it went. He handles this all well, my mom, not so much. Then again, she doesn't really know how to deal with anything. I told my dad that I liked her and my mom chimed in with "what did you talk about? Are you going to talk to her again? Why does she want to talk to you again? You're not going to tell us what you talked about? Does she want to see us? (My dad had asked me, before I left the house, to ask her if she wanted to have a SESSION with them). I told my mom "NO." She said "I want to make an appointment with her." Um, NO F'n way mom!! UGH!! THIS SUCKS!!! IT REALLY SUCKS!!!


So, that's my night in a nutshell. CRAPPY!

Chicken!

Of course my mom is making chicken for dinner again tonight since she knows it's one of the only things I eat. Greeaat! Just what I want...food! BLAH!

That's the way it is

Yes, this will be a post people won't want to read but whatever. Don't read it then. ;) Ha!

I've gained way too much weight and it needs to come off. I am going to do what I have to do to get it off. I know Charro's not going to agree with this because it's not "helpful to my recovery." Well whatever, neither is weighing a million pounds so I don't really care. I just want to, and need to lose weight and it can't wait.

I don't want to have to eat with my parents. I need to get out of meals but that's going to be even harder now that they're "onto me." That sucks. I need to start thinking of good excuses, fast. I can't stand my weight and the way I look so I need to change that. I can look at myself and see how fat I've gotten and I hate it. I want to be stickly, NOT to be confused with sickly. I don't want that, I just want to be skinny. It sucks that it's going to be so hard to get out of eating now, with them watching me. This is why I need to live on my own. No eyes on me. No food if I don't want it! That's what I need. It will be wonderful when I'm on my own. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

I should probably do some work now and figure out how I'm going to leave my house at 6 to talk to Charro tonight and get out of dinner. Hmm...that's harder than doing work.

Monday, September 03, 2007

I'm fat and not running

I awake, not willingly, and am getting ready to go to the race that I'm NOT running. I'm still very tempted to just friggen do it. Ugh! I am going to the gym for like 8 days afterwards because I weight 712 pounds and am not happy and not dealing with that. It sucks and I don't want to eat ever again. How am I possibly going to do that with my parents onto me now? Ugh again! I need to stay out of my house as much as possible and find reasons, good ones, to not be home for dinner. I guess it's a good thing that field hockey season is kicking into full gear. I'll start getting home late from games and stuff and they will have already eaten...I hope.

I guess I should go get ready and do something with my hair, which is sticking straight up.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Hugeness

Okay, I'm huge. I can feel it. I know it. I haven't weighed myself but am about to and I know it's not going to be good. It's not like I even ate a lot today. Ugh...I guess I better go face the music. (The scale). Then I need to FFJ and go to bed so I can go to the stupid race that I'm not running in. I'm going to the gym after though!

Saturday fun

I had a nice day yesterday. It was exhausting but nice. I woke up at 6:30 and went to the gym for a quick workout. Then I went to practice until noon. I came home and J. came over and we went down to this woman's house, more like mansion, on the beach and hung out there. We went rollerblading and then kayaked to this little island, then laid on the beach. We got back to my house and I was exhausted. He left around 7 and I was in bed, asleep by 9. He wanted me to go out with him but that so wasn't happening.

I got a lot of workouts in yesterday, which was nice. The rollerblading and the kayaking were good. :) Plus I got some sun too. Yeah!

I was going to go to a picnic today and was all set to make a dessert and then I decided that I should check the invitation again. Whoops, the picnic was yesterday. I'm a loser! Ha! Oh well, now I can sleep in the sun all day and then I have to go to J.'s house. My mom's trying to get me to go to my cousin's house for dinner but I don't think that's going to happen. No dinner for me thank you. That's the only good thing about not having the picnic...no food. :)

I went for a 2 and a half hour power walk this morning. I took pictures of the beach I was at and the little island.

K, it's too nice to be inside. I'm out!




The island we kayaked to
(I took these at 6:45 this morning before my walk)