Friday, August 31, 2007

Do (I) Run Run Run...

I had my phone SESSION with Charro today. I got to talk to her from my house, which was nice. My rents had gone out so I was here and able to chat freely. It was quite nice. I could walk around, lay down on the floor, get a drink of water, do abs. It was good.

Obviously we talked about what happened the other night with my parents. She thinks "it's a good thing." That took up most of our time, but she did bring up my concussion too. She said "I'm very worried about you and your concussion." She is worried about the fact that I've been working out and stuff with it. I told her that I felt fine today, no more symptoms. I also told her that I'm supposed to run in a race on Monday and I don't think I should. She agreed and said "You are NOT running on Monday!!" (Okay mom). We talked about that and stuff and when we were about to hang up she said "NO running on Monday!"

This is actually causing me quite a bit of stress. I want to run but I'm scared to run because I don't want to jar my brain around. My entire team runs this race and if I can't go and not run. I have no self-restraint. My thought was that I'd just wear flip-flops because if I have my sneakers on I know I will run. I was so ready to not run after I talked to Charro but then I talked to the other coach and she was like "You can run. Who said you can't run? Jarring of the head...that's crazy." Um, basically I'll be running on Monday, I'm sure of it. Maybe I'll try it out a little on Sunday and if I feel funny I won't run on Monday. I'm just really stressed about this for some reason. I have to run. I plan on going to the gym afterwards anyway so I'd get a workout even if I didn't run, but I don't know. I can't just stand there and watch. Why is this stressing me out so much?? I don't get it.

On top of that, I'm friggin way too fat still. I need to lose weight. I can't take this. It's driving me insane. Why can't I just lose weight?? Ahhh....or ARGH, rather. HATE THIS!!!! I need to lose 6 lbs and I'll be happy.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

My favorite movie...

And apparently a lot of other people's too is on. "Secret btwn Friends." I get a ton of google searches for that movie that lead people to my site. I love this movie and it's on and I can't watch it because I only get this channel on the tv in the family room and my mom is right by me. That would definitely spark a conversation. Don't want that!! I have this movie on tape/DVD anyway...along with a million others. :)

Make it go away

I went for a nice long walk with my friend H. today. We talked about what happened with my rents on Monday night. Once again, she gave me great advice on what to say to them, though I can't remember what it was. I told her that I need her to come over and say it for me and I'd move my mouth.

My parents haven't brought anything up since the confrontation. I come home and wait for it to happen though, which is stressful. I should just have the balls to bring it up myself. Ha, speaking of balls, I need to call J. Please hold...

K, I'm back.

Having my parents watching every thing I do (food wise) is driving me insane. I went upstairs last night to get ready for my meeting that I had to go to. They were sitting down to eat dinner and I could hear my mom say, "Where's ptc? Is she coming down?" Yes, I did go upstairs and leave for the meeting early to avoid them. I did eat some chicken before I left, which my did saw me eat. Ugh, this is too stressful. I hate it. I know they love my but now that I know they're watching me, they're stressing me out.

Ugh, dinner tonight should be fun. Why can't I just eat when I want to and not have anyone bother me about it. I don't need that. Why does everyone want to help me? I'm a big girl. (I could make a joke there but I won't).

I cannot wait to move out of here so I don't have 24 hour surveilance. You know what, if I don't want to eat, I won't have to eat!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Just waiting

I'm sitting here waiting for my parents to say something to me. I feel like it's coming. They haven't asked if I've taken any steps to find a therapist or anything, probably because my sister was here and they didn't have the chance to. So, I feel like it's coming.

I guess I haven't really written too much about what happened Monday night and right now I'm way too tired to write about it. I was out in the sun all day and am wiped. I think I'll probably just head to bed in a few minutes...another way to avoid any possible conversations with my parental units. Gotta love the good ole avoidance mechanism. I'm good at that.

So, I think I'll go to bed now. Sorry I've been bad at keeping up with everyone's blogs. My life is crazy right now with what's been going on and with practice everyday.

Night!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

What a lovely day

Yay, I love knowing that my parents know about my "eating disorder." Okay, sense the sarcasm. It was around lunchtime, I was working from home and my sister was here so my mom made some eggplant parmesian. She said "Are you going to have some eggplant? Don't tell me you already ate." Ugh, is this what I have to deal with everyday?? Oh what fun. It's a blast.

I'm going out with J. in a bit. I just want to talk to him and fill him in on last night. I hope it's not a late night.

Can't sleep

I woke up at 5 this morning. Can't sleep...I wonder why. I'm tired and have a little bit of a headache, not sure if that's stress related or concussion related. I can't find the charger to my MP3 player and I really need it. I'm starting to remember some more of what my parents said to me last night, not that I really want to. Ugh, I don't even know. I think I'm still in shock about the whole thing. I can't even think about it. I really need to charge my mp3. I really need to go to a tropical island somewhere and just sit there...NOT "sit with" my feelings. I don't need to do that.

I'm so confused and shocked and don't really know what else. I have no idea what I'm really feeling. It's all kind of weird.

I need to go to the gym now.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The bomb has dropped!!

Yeah, I'm not sure I feel like writing about this right now, but the bomb has dropped. It fell at dinner tonight. My parents started questioning me about my eating. My dad actually started it all by saying "I think you have an anxiety problem," or something like that. Then he said (this all at dinner) said "If you love me as much as I love you, you'll be honest with me. Do you have an eating problem?" My answer, "Um, I don't know." The conversation continued and I remained relatively calm, surprisingly.

I left the house after dinner to do some errands. I needed to get out and wanted to stay out for a long time but I came back home. I don't really know if I'm in shock or what right now. I freaked out and had Jen make my blog private because I was afraid my parents had found it, but I think I'm okay...for now at least. I may have to make it private again, which I don't really want to do. Hopefully I can avoid that.

I don't feel like writing about it now, but maybe I'll write more about it tomorrow. Oh yeah, they want me to go to therapy and said they'd come with me so we could all talk the first few times. My dad was like "maybe we caused the problem." Ugh...more tomorrow.

My cat

The vet called about my little squish. The biopsy was non-diagnostic, they couldn't get enough of a sample. But, what they did get came back non-cancerous, however they did find some cells that may be abnormal so she has to have the lump removed.

I haven't talked to the doctor. I called her back and left a message and she will hopefully call back before I have to leave here in an hour. I don't know what this all entails or what it's going to cost...my guess is that it will cost a lot!

I'm sure my little squish will be fine though. Poor baby! :(

**UPDATE**

She's scheduled to have surgery next Thursday. Hopefully they can get everything out and hopefully it's not cancerous if they don't get everything out. Blah! Atleast she doesn't have to stay overnight. The toughest part will be waiting for the results, unless they tell me they got everything out.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

92 pounder...

and it's not me.


We had our first day of field hockey practice this morning. I'm coaching, not playing. One of my freshman, who is now a sophomore seems to have developed a bit of an eating disorder. She is not allowed to play until she reaches 95 lbs. She's 92.5 lbs now, up 2.5 lbs since last week. She's my height. Ironically, 92 pounds has been my goal weight for a while, until I nudged it up to 94. Well, now I know what I'd look like at 92 lbs. She doesn't really look that bad, in my eyes, except for her face. That makes her look a bit unhealthy. So, I think I'd be okay around 94 or 95 pounds myself.

I hope she can figure things out and get healthy though. I don't want to see her suffer or throw her high school years and athletic skills away. She's a good athlete and very dedicated. I hope she can get past this.

On another note, I was working with some players and one of them said to me, "PTC, you keep getting smaller and smaller" and then another girl agreed with her. That's very nice but I think I weigh about what I weighed last year at this time. I wonder what they would have thought before I put on this stupid weight that I put on. I was 98 lbs in April...and I need to get back there.

I really need a nap and I really want some fruit. We have no fruit and I have to leave to go back to practice in 15 minutes so no nap for me.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Foot cramps & flip flops

I couldn't think of anything else to call this.

I'm in NYC again. Went to the Today Show this morning to see Martina perform! It was a good time. I saw some peeps that I know, so that was good.

My foot is either cramped or there's something messed up with it. Who knows. It's felt like it's been cramped all morning, or like I have to pop something into place or something. Who really knows. I don't. I do go to the doc for my feet on Tuesday though. I'm in dire needs of new orthodics. Yah!

I don't feel like writing anything else. You know what I do love though, walking down the street and catching a glimpse of my fat ass in the store windows. It's a huge ass bubble butt. Great, love it. My whole entire body is just a big mass of flab right now and to top it off, I have no tan left either. :(

Thursday, August 23, 2007

My head's a problem

I have Charro in an hour. I was hoping my parents would not be home so I could have my phone "session" in my house, but they'll be here. Looks like I'm in my smelly car once again.

I must admit, I'm a little scared about my head. I started getting small symptoms of a concussion on Tuesday, after my Saturday collision. Yesterday they were a little worse (not bad at all though) and today, worse than yesterday. This is a problem and it scares me. There's really not much a doctor can do about it so there's no sense in going. They'll just tell me to rest and I already know that. I got off the treadmill after 10 minutes because I felt funny and moved over to the cycle room and rode the spin bike for an hour with my tunes cranking. I was singing along too so I'm sure people out in the gym heard me but I don't care.

I was a bit dizzy when I got off. It doesn't have anything to do with food either. My head still feels weird and that scares me. I can't get hit in the head anymore...for a really long time.


I don't know what I'm going to talk to Charro about today. How many times can I tell her how fat I am. I'm just getting fatter and it's not a good thing. Maybe it's the swelling in my brain. (not funny, I know.)

My dad took my car to the garage because it still STINKS!! WTF?? $200 later and the smell is still there. Gotta love that.

I'm thirsty but don't feel like drinking anything. I guess I don't feel like moving is more like it.

The weather here sucks. It's been cold and cloudy all week. I have no tan left and summer's coming to an end which makes me very sad. I need to go on vacation. Hmm, I may need a Florida trip in November or December. Maybe I should plan something. Oh wait, I can't plan something if I plan on moving to NYC. Scratch that. Maybe I'll win powerball on Saturday and then none of that will matter.

I guess I'll get a drink now...maybe. Maybe I'll read the paper instead. I just want my head to get better. It doesn't hurt, it just scares me right now.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Wednesday night write

I think I'm going to head to bed soon. My little cat is sitting on my lap. She seems to have forgotten about the trip to the vet today. I hope she's okay and that she doesn't have anything wrong with her.

I'm still way fatter than I should be right now. I have a lot of weight to lose and I don't know how to do it. Do I just not eat and workout like crazy or do I eat? I gain weight if I eat a pea so I think the just eating thing is out of the question. Ugh. HATE this weight thing.

I am talking to Charro again tomorrow. She said, "We can talk again on Thursday if you want." I was like, "Uh, do you think I need it?" She responded by saying, "Well it helps and we're on to the hot topics."

So that's it. I'm going to bed.

Poor kitty

I had to take my cat to the vet this morning to get a lump checked out. I found it on her leg last week. The doctor felt it and said she'd never felt anything like it before. (Great). She did a biopsy and hopes that she got enough to get some results from it. She said it was either nothing or a very progressive tumor. (Great). It better be nothing, like a calcium deposit which she said it could be. I hope that's the case. My little squish can't have anything wrong with her. :( I'd lose it. I won't get the results until Monday, so that sucks.

On another note, I kind of have a feeling that I might have gotten another mild concussion on Saturday. I feel a little weird today, but could it take this long for symptoms to pop up? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I had a little headache yesterday and one today as well. I just feel really tired and kind of "floopy." (I don't know what that means but it's how I feel). I don't want to tell anyone because it's bad if I have another concussion. That would be 3 in 16 months. That's not a good thing. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I definitely felt "not normal" at the gym this morning.

More notes: I'm still fucking huge. Yep. I'm working on that. I just wanted to throw up so badly last night because I've gained so much weight in like 4 days. How is that possible? I work out more, eat less, and gain weight. It's just wonderful!!! I love it.

I just want to sleep right now. I'm so tired.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Great!

I weigh the most I've weighed in a long time. What the fuck!!??? Seriously, what the fucking fuck? I just don't friggen get it. I workout more, I eat less and I gain weight. What more can I do? What the fuck? I don't even know what to write. I can't take it.

And...I'm NEVER eating again!!!!!!!!!! (I know I will though:( )

Post 700

(Whoops, this is actually post 701)

I just had my phone "SESSION" with Charro. I worked my silly puddy pretty good today. My left hand is tired, as is my wrist from working it. It was good to talk to her. I may have another phone "SESSION" on Thursday. She suggested it but I haven't decided. It's not like it's cheap.

Unfortunately nothing really funny came out of today's "SESSION." Here's the two funny things: I told her that I ate a pea and gained 75 lbs. She said "didn't you know a pea equals 75 lbs." Then I went on to say "I don't even like peas. I don't know where that came from." Then she started to say the word "SESSION" and she stopped herself. THAT was funny. She said, ".... SESS" and then she stopped herself. I said "Did you just stop yourself mid word?" and she said "Yes, I started to not say it but it was too late." HA! We cracked up about that one. It was pretty funny.

---------EDITED--------- This is the first part which doesn't really matter anymore.

I have Charro in 38 minutes. I'm sure I'll have some writing to do after that. I feel like I have so much to talk about but not enough time.

Perhaps I will write my other funny Charro story from last week later.

How?

How is it possible to eat green beans and fruit for dinner and gain weight?? Plus I worked out twice yesterday.

Just lovely...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Me in action



Here are some pics of my game the other day. I've chopped my head off. :) I LOVE THIS SPORT!!!

Carcass removal

It's cold and gross here today. I hate it. I'm in a yucky mood too. Why am I in a "yucky" mood, because I weigh too much! I hate it. I just wish I never had to eat. I really do. It sucks and I hate being in a bad/sad/yucky mood. It's not fun. It would be so much better if I could just lose weight.

I am the worst "anorexic" alive. Clearly, I'm so NOT anorexic. Charro needs to take another look. At least I have 4 weeks to lose weight before I see her again.

I had to take my car for carcass removal today. They didn't find anything but I know there was something dead in there. They did some expensive cleaning thing and now my car smells like toilet cleaner. Fun!

I killed time at Ann Taylor Loft. Bought a dress that was 70 percent off, a skirt and a shirt. I made an appointment my little girl (cat) and am taking her to the vet on Wednesday to get that growth I feel checked out. I have Charro tomorrow and CPR tomorrow. My team starts practicing on Saturday, double sessions and a meeting. So, my life is pretty much nuts until October 29th!

J. and I are going to run a couple miles 3 times a week now. His idea, not mine. I'm not allowed to wear my heart rate monitor though. I know how many calories I should burn so it's okay. Plus, it's on top of my gym workout so it's a little extra calorie burn which I clearly need. I'm surprised he suggested that since he tries so hard to get me to take a day off from the gym. Now he's promoting me working out twice in one day. Oh well. Makes no sense to me but I'll take it. I really don't feel like running today, but I need to.

I better lose weight today. I need to be in a better mood.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

A rant

Warning: I'm going to go off on myself.

Okay, I'm never eating again. I can't wait to move to NYC so I can not eat and walk every where and lose 10 pounds. I gained a million pounds today and it's not like I ate all that much. I obviously can't allow myself to eat anything or I gain weight. It really sucks. I hate it. I don't understand it. Clearly I will never be able to eat like a "normal" person. Nothing set me off but my scale. Okay, I guess that's something, but it's not like someone upset me or something. It's just that I'm freaking fat and I HATE IT!! I really hate it and I don't know what to do about it. It was so nice when I was in NY for two weeks and got down to my lowest weight. I need that to happen again. Please, let me find a good apartment in the city that's inexpensive and in a good area so I can move there. I need to be on my own. I need to be alone so I can get skinny!

I'm sure you're all thinking that's really healthy. I don't care, it's what I need to do for myself.

I need to go out to dinner now for a friend's birthday. They already know that I will not be eating since I ate at the picnic we had today. No more food. I need to brush my teeth so I have no desire to eat the best bread in the world. I can't let myself. I can't!! Ugh!

Add on (aka EDIT)

I need to write more now because I'm still nasty, fat, and pissed at that. More like, I AM fat!! I can't move my head at all either because my neck is killing me. It got really stiff and sore over the past few hours and I can't find my heating pad.

I need to never eat again. Seriously, never!! I weigh 930 lbs and I hate my fatness.

Whiplash

It's like a fall day out here and I don't like it. I want summer to last forever.

I've got some whiplash from my field hockey game yesterday. I collided with a girl. The right side of my face is sore too because I went face first into her. No concussions though!! That's key!! Maybe, if I can cut out my head, I will post some pics of the game. I love action shots. I LOVE playing! I just love it so much!!!

Ok, J.'s here. Gotta go.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

"You look soft"

"You look soft." That's what a woman said to me at the gym this morning. I looked at her and said "does that mean I look flabby?" She said, "no, your energy is soft, like calm." Oh yeah, because I'm pretty stress free these days. Ha!

Came home from the gym and found out that my brother-in-law is in the ER. They ruled out a heart attack but he's having some pains in his esophagus and chest. Now it's just wait and see. I hope everything is okay. Ugh. This is a guy who never complains about anything and never misses work and he didn't go to work yesterday, and he had a huge presentation to give. So, he is definitely in a ton of pain.

I have my alumni field hockey game in and hour. I'm kind of nervous I think. I don't know why. It's just for fun. Why am I nervous? So weird. I'm excited too. I just molded my mouth guard to protect my pearly whites. :)

I guess I should get ready to go. I have my kilt on!! :)

Friday, August 17, 2007

Carcass in my car

Something died in my car and it stinks!! I mean, it really stinks. I've been smelling it for a week and it's getting worse and worse. My dad took it to get looked at and they said "a mouse probably crawled in the vent and died." Great. They changed the air filter but who knows if that will help. I love having dead things in my car.

I'm so friggen bored. I need the sun to come out. Charro called me back but can't chat today, which is fine. I don't know what to say anyway. We'll chat on Tuesday.

I think my cat has something wrong with her. She has some lump on her back leg which I've never felt before. She doesn't have it on her other one. I guess I'm going to have to take her to the doctor. I hope she's ok. She's my baby.

Some reasons

Besides not really thinking that I'm "in love" with J., here are my reasons for not wanting to move in with him.

  1. He won't let me bring my scale
  2. He won't let me bring my cats
  3. He's going to want to not go to the gym in the mornings and hang out with him and that is so not going to happen because going to the gym in the morning is what I do.
  4. He wants to "break" me from my routine.

I don't want my routine broken. I'm fine with the way things are. He needs to stop trying to make me change things. I'm not hurting anyone with my routine. It drives me insane. And, there is NO way in hell that I'm not bringing my scale with me. Whatever!!

Also, I really want to live on my own...preferably in NYC, which may become even more of a possibility with my work. That's a wait and see thing.

My sis said that I should totally move in with him and that I shouldn't mess this up. Hey, if I'm not in love with him then what's the point.

I called Charro yesterday to see if we could have our usually Friday chat, but I haven't heard back from her. I actually don't really need to talk to her at this point so I don't care if she doesn't call me back. I felt really stupid for calling her anyway, like I need her or something. I can handle things on my own and have done so for the past 29 years of my life so I don't know why I feel like I should call her. I also feel like I'm bugging her and she's going to hate me. She's probably like "Ugh, this girl is SO annoying." I don't want to be that person. It's not like something really traumatic has happened in my life. I should just suck it all up and deal with it.

I really just want it all to go away. Part of me thinks that moving to NY will be the easy way out of all of this, but that's not why I want to move there. I really do love it there and the friends that I have there...and of course all the walking. :)

On another note, my car smells like something has died in it. I turn on the vents and it STINKS!!! My dad just took it to get looked at for me. I swear something is dead in my engine. It's so nasty. I made my mom go out and smell it and she almost fell over too. It's just nasty. It's gotten worse over the past week.

That's all I have to say. I have my alumni field hockey game tomorrow. WOOO HOOO!! I'll write about that later.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Wowzers

So yeah...I don't know where to start exactly. My little cat is on my lap purring and licking my arm. She loves me!

I guess I'll start with J...It will probably be all over the place.

He got all teary-eyed at dinner twice last night. He drank a bottle of wine, is that a problem? Hmm. He doesn't usually though. He asked me to move in with him and I didn't give him an answer. He did say that I couldn't bring that cats so that's a big NO right there. I know he really loves me and I do not feel the same. He said he knows that he loves me more than I love him. I told him that I'd bring my scale if I moved in.

I think part of the reason why he wants me to move in with him is because he thinks he can "cure" me if I do. You know what, no one can. I have to want to change and "get better." (I still don't think I have anything to "get better" from). I told him that I really want to move to NYC and he said "just live with me for a few months and then go. Then we'll know if we can survive it." Ugh, so I've been a little stressed out, to say the least.

I told my mom that he asked me to move in. I never really talk to her about anything. It actually felt good to talk to her. She wanted to know what my answer was and we just chatted a little. I didn't give him an answer, by the way. My rents don't want the cats so they have to come with me when I leave AND I WANT my cats with me!!


Now onto my dreadful run this morning. I haven't run far in a while and we ran 11 miles. We didn't bring water because it didn't seem that hot out. Wrong, it was very muggy and I was dying. We did stop at the water fountain at the beach but that just made me more thirsty.

My heart rate was like 183 at one point and stayed in the high 170s and 180 most of the time. I was dying. When the run was over I felt, well, I can't really describe how I felt. I guess I felt like I just wanted to sit and not move and drink. I was a little bit dying. It took forever for my heart rate to come down too. Oh well. I, PTC, overdid it!!! Yes, I admit it, but I couldn't stop because I was running with someone.

Now I have to go drive an hour to see a client for 2 minutes and then come back. :) At least it gives me something to do.

By ya'll!

Not what I expected

Um...J. asked me to move in with him...

I'm going to throw up now. Well, not really but I feel like I could. (not on purpose).

I'm going for a long run now.

More on this later...although I'd rather just pretend it doesn't exist. I didn't give him an answer, by the way.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

This might be a bad night

I have to go to dinner with J. tonight. First problem, I don't want to eat dinner. Second problem, I don't want to go eat with J. I have a feeling that it might be a rough night. I have a feeling we're going to have to talk and while I know we need to, I don't want to because I don't know what to say. I have so many things that I need to say but I don't know how to say them. I don't know how to explain what it's like to have an ED. He doesn't understand and won't understand. He can't fix me so he needs to stop trying! It's getting old, hearing him talk about it all the time. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. He needs to stop worrying and stop talking about things so much!

I have a feeling that it might be a bad night.

Not much to say

I don't really know what to say because I really should be doing work right now. I will start when I'm done with this.

I was in NYC for 2 days. I saw Charro Monday and Tuesday. I'll write about that later, though it was nothing too exciting. I won't see her for 6 weeks which really sucks, but there's not much I can do about it. I start coaching and can't get into the city. We'll still have phone "SESSIONS." She asked if I wanted to continue doing "phone sessions" and I said "Yes, just because I want you hear you say 'phone SESSION." HA!

Haven't really talked to J. Talked to him for about 10 minutes last night and that was it, so who knows what's going on with that. I guess we'll see.

K, I'll do some work now and probably get bored in 5 minutes and write again.

Thanks for all of your comments, girls. Much appreciated.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Tired, but better

I'm pretty tired this morning, mainly because I had to wake up long before the sun began to rise, plus it was cloudy. I taught aerobics at 5:30 AM and then rode the bike for a half hour.

I'm heading to NYC later today and won't be back until tomorrow night.

I guess I should probably talk about yesterday. J. came over and we went for a run. He picked me up and we went downtown and then ran to the water. I didn't say anything in the car ride there. I did get a little teary-eyed, though he didn't see it because I had my shades on. I didn't say much during the run either, nor did he. It was more like small talk, if any talk at all. It was awkward and uncomfortable. We sat on the beach for a few minutes. Actually, he sat and I threw rocks into the water, then we headed back.

I had written him a letter, which I had left in his car. When we got back to the car he got in to make a phone call and I left to sit outside. He found the note and read it. He came out and we talked a bit and went for a walk. I still didn't feel much like talking, that's why writing is so much easier for me. He was glad I actually expressed some feelings in the letter. He said, "you do have feelings." I tend not to show any feelings of any kind, for the most part. He said he wants to marry me but is afraid that I wouldn't put the proper things first, (kids, him, etc.) because "there are things that should be taking priority now that don't." He's afraid of my health and I tried to tell him that I am fine. I am. I'm healthy. He doesn't buy that though.

Things were still weird after all of that. We came back to my house and sat around. I didn't much still. He left and who knows how things will be the next time we see each other. My guess is that they'll be fine. Yesterday was just weird because it was the day after and we were both feeling really shitty and couldn't just ignore what had happened the night before, yet neither of us really wanted to talk about it. Now I'm thinking that we will just be back to normal the next time we see each other, though I don't know for sure. I'm hoping that's the case.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Still shitty...and fat too

I'm tired and I still feel like shit. I haven't talked to J. all day, though I just got a text message from him asking me if I wanted to go for a short run. We're going in a half hour. I don't know what we're going to talk about. I feel like I'm just going to just break down and cry at any second...and I NEVER cry. I don't feel like talking. I just want to go to sleep. I have to wake up at 4:45 tomorrow morning which sucks ass.

So J. said to me last night, "Do you know what it's like to love someone so much and not have them love you back the same way?" Great, because that didn't make me feel like shit. I already feel like shit for not giving him 100 percent like he does me. He tries to understand the whole ED thing but he doesn't totally get it and I don't know how to explain it to him. It's just something that can't be explained. He also told me that I might need medication. Thanks for that. I don't think so!!

I have a blister on my foot because I walked 8.5 miles this morning. I'm training for a breast cancer walk. I want to sleep. I need to run because I'm fat. I saw myself in the mirror with my bikini top on and saw all the fat hanging off my body. I hate it. I don't know why it just won't go away. I need it to go away. It's disgusting. I'm grossed out by it. Ew, it makes me want to throw up when I see myself. I really have too much fat on my body. I'm not saying that I am fat but I have too much fat on my body that needs to go away and I need to lose weight.

My bro left to go back home today too, which is sad. I probably won't see him until Christmas, or November at the earliest. My nieces are adorable. They're 3 and 3 months old. So cute. My three month old niece was singing with me today. I was singing to her and she was making noises along with me. Very cute. Got that on tape.

So it's almost time for me to go running so I guess I should get ready. I don't really know about this. I don't know what's going to happen. I know there will be some serious talking and I don't know if I can handle it right now. I guess it's a good thing I have Charro tomorrow...and the next day.

I just want to go to sleep now...

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Kind of shitty

I don't really even know what to write. I guess I don't feel like writing. J. just left. We talked for long time, hugged, cried and he drove off. No words spoken. Now I feel like shit and he feels like shit. I guess I do care about him.

I'm not really sure what happened tonight. We did not break up.

I don't know...

I just feel crappy...

Friday, August 10, 2007

Rainy, cold, sleepy...and Jen too

I'm sitting on my bed. I just cleaned out underneath it, a very needed project. I had to see what kind of ED stuff I had hidden under there. I knew I didn't have anything bad, just some books and my FFJs. So, I hid them a little better out of fear that they are going to be found. That would suck.

It's a dreary day here. It sort of suits my mood. Cold and rainy. Jen's in the hospital again. She passed out after playing soccer. I told her that she was going to end up back in the hospital but she doesn't like to listen to me or anyone else for that matter. I don't know. I can't deal.

I worked out this morning. Played my drums a bit this afternoon. I'd like to take a nap now but I have to get ready to go out to eat with J. Great...dinner!

I wrote in my FFJ a lot today too. I'm seeing Charro Monday and Tuesday again. After that I won't be seeing her for a while because my schedule gets really crazy with coaching. I don't have any days free so I won't be able to get to NYC to see her. Who know's what I'll look like next time she sees me. Maybe my hair will be long. I'll have no tan left, that's for sure. (Can I take a nap now? I'm so tired.) Hopefully I will have lost weight and not gained it. Okay, so that probably shouldn't be the thought I'm having but it is.

I think I'm tired of fighting trying to be a certain weight. I can't do it anymore. Of course that attitude could change in an instant. I'm just sick of working so hard to get to a certain weight and it's not happening anyway. Ugh. It's exhausting. I don't know how to change that though. What would I do with all my spare time and my brain freedom?

Hopefully I'll be hungry by the time J. and I go to dinner, but that will be in an hour so I probably won't be. Oh well. I have to bake tonight too and while I love baking I also hate it because I end up picking at what I'm baking. I so don't need to be doing that!!

I miss NYC. I really do. It's so uneventful here, plus I need to be walking around everywhere.

I guess I should get ready since I have to leave my house in 20 minutes. I'd really like to just sleep. I love sleeping!! I don't do it nearly enough.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Broken down trains and rampages

Here I am, back at home, back with Bertha and a hell of a lot fatter than I want or need to be. I can't take it. I want to have "negative bites" tonight. I hate meals. I hate them. I don't see why I need to eat them. I don't think they do me any good. In fact, I know they don't do me any good. I just get fatter and fatter.

I'm thirsty.

I went to the dentist. Along with the stupid tooth I chipped, which needs to get fixed, I have one that apparently has a calcium deposit growing on the nerve which is making it turn yellow. Now isn't that fucking lovely?? They said I won't need a root canal, thank God, but aesthetically I may want to fix it when it starts getting worse. Um, that's a big YES!! I said, "That's not going to bode well for my modeling career." Ha!!

Oh yeah, and my train broke down this morning. We all had to get off and get on a new train. That was fun too. At least it wasn't yesterday when it was over 100 degrees out. No no, the subways didn't work then because of all the flooding. I hauled ass to Times Square and was sweating bullets, only to miss getting tickets to a show by five minutes. Then I thought I was going to pass out while waiting for the subway, which was now running but very slowly. I started getting the get me out of here now feeling, probably because I had sweat dripping off me and was beat.

Okay, I'm clearly on a rampage tonight. I need to go do something in my room and then go to bed or something. Oh, I can't write about how fat I feel or how much I ate in my FFJ anymore. I understand why; it's because I say the same thing all the time. However, I feel friggen huge and nasty right now and want to just throw up. I am working out for 894 days tomorrow. Yes, I said days tomorrow!!

Okay, I need to go weigh myself. Not like it will have changed any since I did it an hour ago. Oh well. Yeah for me gaining 304 lbs. I love it.

I will try to be more positive tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Karaoke and feeling fat

I'm sad because I have to go back home tomorrow. :( I don't want to leave NYC. I LOVE IT HERE!!!

I'm heading out to go karaoking with my friend Y. We're gonna tear it up.

I feel really disgusting and fat. I was stressing out about dinner. I don't know why it was causing me so much stress tonight but it was. I just didn't want to eat. I thought Y. and I were going to go out to eat but then she called me at 7 pm and said that she was going to go change and then come over and that she wasn't hungry. I knew I was hungry but at that point I didn't want to eat. I ended up getting grilled veggies and now I feel like doody-cock. I need to weigh myself when I get home and that scares me to death. I'm always so afraid that I've gained weight. I hate it. It's this big anxiety build up on the train ride home about how much I'm going to weigh. Ugh.

I guess I should get ready to go. It's a freaking million degrees out here. I had to take a shower after I walked around because I was drenched.

The couch

My "session" with Charro went well yesterday. I walked there again. My feet are aching a bit but oh well. It wasn't as hot as it was on Monday when I walked there but I would have been really nasty if I ran. I still felt like I smelled yesterday anyway.

So, I got there and I decided to change it up a bit. I sat, or laid on the couch rather. It took me a while to get comfortable, physically. I told her I was going to lay on my back and face the other way so I couldn't see her and she said "we can do some analysis." I don't know if she was kidding or not. I was like "no," because I really didn't know what she was talking about. So, I finally got comfortable, on my stomach, hands and pillows under my face, and me facing her. I was about 2 inches away from her, which you would think would be weird but it wasn't. I actually felt more comfortable there than sitting across the (small) room on the chair. I just feel so exposed on the chair. We just sit there and stare at each other. It just seems so formal. I felt so much more comfortable on the couch. I told her I felt like I was at a "slumber party." I liked it. I think I found a new spot.

So we talked a lot about the idea of "therapy" and what I think about it and why I think it's scary and stuff, like my initial thoughts on it, I guess. I told her that I think therapists are scary, well I did clarify that SHE is not scary...anymore. She was during the first phone call. She wanted to know what a scary therapist is and I told her. I said "The 'TFT' next door is scary." She figured out what I meant by "TFT," (therapy friend's therapist). She's (Charro) so good for figuring that out.

Then we talked a lot about food and how I "graze" too much, yada, yada, yada. How she thinks I'm probably a "really good cook." I don't know about that! How I need to eat meals. The whole nine yards.


Then we talked about my fascination with ED movies. She asked me why I liked them. She asked me if I ever visit "those sites" (pro-ana). I was like "not really but I have." We were having such a good conversation and I was actually talking a lot, I think, and then time was up. I was bummed. I wish I was going back today. Did I just say that? I really do need my head examined.

Now I'm off to the gym. I think I'm going to try and see "Wicked" today. We shall see. Karaoke tonight!! Woo hoo!!!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Session

Sarah reminded me of this...

Yesterday, as I was leaving Charro's office, she said the word "therapy." I said, "I hate that word. You know what word I really hate??"

Charro said, "Session. Session is a bad word."

Yay, she agrees. It's the worst word. I refuse to say it unless I am making fun of it.

"Do you have any 'normal' friends?"

That's the question I was asked by Charro yesterday. Pretty funny, huh? ACTually (ha, Jen) it was more like, "I know you have a lot of friends in the ED community. Do you have any normal friends?" Um, yes I do. I probably have more ED friends, not even including you guys here. This was all leading up to the, if they can eat normally and why can't you? I can't. What she doesn't get is that if I ate "normally" I'd gain so much weight and that scares the hell out of me. I'm already too big, I can't put on more weight. I don't know why she doesn't see that. What do I need to do, lift up my shirt and show her my love handles and fat? I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window yesterday and was so grossed out. I have a huge bubble butt and my stomach was sticking out too.

So I go back to Charro today. I won't be running there because it's going to be 95 degrees and wicked humid. I had sweat marks on my shirt yesterday and I walked there and the sun wasn't out. I'd be SO nasty if I ran there. I couldn't subject her to that. I'm bummed about that though. I was really looking forward to the run. Oh well, what can ya do about it?

I have to go to the gym but I don't feel like going. How bad is that? Pretty bad. I have to go. I will go, I just don't want to. Ugh. I need to eat breakfast still too but I'm not hungry yet. I can't go until I eat.


I guess I could at least get dressed.

Monday, August 06, 2007

City girl, day 1

It's noon and I'm just chilling. I'm going to go out and get a salad at this place. I love their salads. I love the whole "make your own" salad thing. It's the best!!! That's one thing I love about NYC.

This morning I went to the gym and went to the drug store. I bought a little surf board key chain for my gym card and Duane Reade card. Ha! I'm all showered and clean now. My hair is crazy right now and who knows what it will look like after I walk 60 blocks to my appointment with Charro. It's humid and going to rain. Let's just hope that it doesn't rain when it's time for me to talk. I actually wouldn't mind walking in the rain but sitting in the air conditioned room when I got there would be a little uncomfortable.

Tonight I'm going to some quiz show thing. Should be interesting since I suck at trivia, unless it's pointless questions about Growing Pains or Brady Bunch episodes. :) We're getting some sushi too.

I'm sleepy, but that seems to be a big trend lately. I'm always sleepy.

I bought some new lotion this morning. I'm obsessed with moisturizing so I hope this does a good job. It's Burt's and I love Burt's products.

I feel like I should go do something but I'm not sure what to do. I'll head out and get my salad in a little bit. I ate some soy crisps when I got home from the gym so I'm not really hungry anymore.

I think tomorrow I am going to go get a $22 mani/pedi. I know my feet will be aching after all the walking. I should actually get it done on Wed. but whatever. I have Charro again tomorrow. That's a lot of Charro.

I would really like to weigh myself, by the way. I didn't bring my scale. I was going to weigh myself at the gym but I hate those doctor's scales. Besides, I was clothed, sweaty and had sneakers on so there was NO way I was getting on it.

That's all for now. I love it here...

Oh yeah, I picked up some Silly Puddy to bring to Charro's. (Thanks Jen). That's better than flicking my waterbottle top all the time...or atleast more quiet.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

In NYC

I'm in New York for a few days. Yay!! I'm dog sitting. Just got here about an hour ago. I'm exhausted.

We had my niece's baptism today. She was so cute in her little white robe/dress thing. Then we spent the rest of the day at the beach for a party. We also celebrated my other niece's 3rd birthday.

I'm kind of bummed that they're visiting from Texas and I'm not home with them, but it's just for three days that I'm not there. I'll get to spend a few more days with them when I get back on Thursday.

I am extremely fat right now. Problem number one...no scale where I'm staying. I almost brought mine, no Bertha though, my old one. Maybe I'll go out in buy one. I'm definitely hoping that I lose weight while I'm here because I need to. I'll be doing a lot of walking even though it's going to be 95 degrees. I think my plan to run to Charro's is going to fall through because of that. It would be pretty nasty of me to sit there all sweaty and gross. I would feel nasty too. We'll see what happens though.

So, I get to be a city girl for a few days again and I LOVE that. I get to spend some time with my little doggy friend too. :)

That's about it. I haven't written in my FFJ at all today so I better go do that. I don't think I'll remember what I ate but I know it was a lot and I know it was not good for me! I also know that it made me gain 89 lbs.

Friday, August 03, 2007

UFOs, Charro and Family

First things first: The UFO story (The shortened version)

Pulled into my street at 10 Wed. night. Saw this blue and white light hovering over the backyard of my neighbors house. Watched it for a minute, went home, made my dad come look at it, walked back home, woke up my mom, made her come look at it, got the binoculars too, and we watched it. The thing never moved, besides a little hovering. We watched it for a while. I have no idea what it was, though it did look like there was an outline of balloons of something. It was weird and it was gone in the morning when I checked for it.

Charro:

We had our phone "SESSION" this morning. It went better than I thought it would, minus her phone cutting out a bunch of times. I told her that she missed all of the profound things that I said. Ha! I told her that I didn't feel like talking to her today and didn't feel like seeing her next week. She asked why, of course. I told her it was because I am sick of talking and I have nothing to talk about. She said, "Is it because you start to feel when you talk?" (She might have said "have feeling" I don't really remember.) I said no. I never have feelings, well I guess I do.


So now I'm not dreading going on Monday. It will be fine. She wants to eat with me "soon." Great! She knows I eat, do I really need to do it with her?? I don't think that's necessary. I don't need to prove to her that I eat. We both know that I do. My "session" is at 5 PM so I asked her what she wanted on her pizza. She said "are you really bringing pizza?" I laughed and said "No!" Ha.


Overall, I guess it went well today. She's not charging me for today because of her phone issues. I thought was really nice. At one point we got totally disconnected so when I called her back I said, "Was it something I said?" Ha!

Family

My brother and his family are on there way here right now. I get to meet my new niece, which I'm excited about. She'll be 2 months on the 10th. I also get to see my other niece who will be 3 next week. I cannot wait to see them. They're both adorable.

Now I must go outside and feed my tanorexia!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

No more talking, please

I have Charro tomorrow. I don't feel like talking to her anymore. Nothing against her, I just don't feel like talking period. I'm sick of talking and I have nothing to talk about. At least I'm not going into the city and we're doing it over the phone.

Unfortunately, I am going to see her twice next week. Ugh, what's wrong with this picture? Like I said, I love Charro. I think she's great, I'm just sick of this whole therapy thing. I've had enough of it.

Here's the good news...I am so running to my appointment on Tuesday because I won't have anything to carry. Yeah! I hope she doesn't mind me showing up all sweaty. It's just under 5 miles so it's not like it's that far. I walked there last week and it didn't take too long so it will be a breeze running, if the traffic cooperates. I'm just glad I can run there.

I saw my TF last week. I was in the bathroom when she came in. Good thing I heard someone coming so I stopped doing push-ups against the sink. Yes, I was doing push-ups against the sink. Then I got into the waiting room and Jen was texting me. The TFT walked by but I kept my head down. Then when I went into Charro's office I tried to put on chapstick but my hands were shaking so badly that I had to put it away quickly before she noticed. I think they were probably shaking from walking there in the heat. I usually don't shake but when I'm in the heat, like laying out or something, my hands tend to shake.


I feel so fat and gross right now, like I'm pregnant. My stomach is huge and I hate it. It's sticking out about 28 miles. I really love that! I need to go weigh myself. I need to get my clothes out of the dryer. I need to go look for the UFO that was on my street last night. (I'll explain that one tomorrow. I'm too tired now).

I just feel so freaking fat and nasty right. I can't deal. I should be writing this in my FFJ but oh well. I need to lose some serious weight!

Outside runs and haircuts

I can't get motivated to do any work when it's this nice out. I went for a run outside this morning with my friend M. It was great. So hot and humid out, I love it!! I LOVE this weather!!

We only ran for 45 minutes and then I went inside (the gym) and rode on the spin bike for 45 minutes. I burned just over 600 calories, which makes me really happy, especially since I'm playing field hockey again tonight. I hope I burn another 600 but I'm sure that won't happen. I don't even know if anyone will show up so who knows if we will play or not. I'll be happy with a 300 calorie burn so let's hope for that.

I got my hair cut last night. I was actually going to grow it out but when I got there I decided to cut it shorter. Who knew!? I think I like it but I'm not sure. We shall see. I walked into J's house and he gave me a funny look. I could tell that he didn't like it, but then later on he said "I think it looks sexy." Ok, whatever.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

"BiteUs" updated

I updated Jen and my NYC blog.

No bombs but some bullets

My day thus far. Almost like "mylifethusFARK" but not really. :)

Floating in the pool. Mom comes out. Dialogue begins...

Mom- What do you weigh, like 95 lbs now.
Me- No!
Mom- You didn't answer my question.
Me- 102 (I rounded up a little...a very little).
Mom- You weigh less than L. (sister) now.
Me- I should, I'm a lot shorter than she is.
Mom- But you have bigger bones.
Me- I'm big boned.
Mom- No, you're just bigger boned than L.
Me- I have a lot of muscle.
Mom- That means you probably weigh 10 lbs less than you really weigh. Hey, that means I weigh less because I have fat. ;)

(I thought of my friend G. when my mom said that b/c she always says I weigh 10 lbs less b/c of my muscle. Ugh, I guess she might be on to something, though I don't see it.)

Funny how I've gained weight over the past month and she and my dad think I look like I've lost weight. Figure that one out.

Good ole Mama C. ;)