Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Waiting for the bomb to drop

I don't know why, but for some reason I have a feeling that my parents are going to say something to me about my eating...or what they see as a lack there of. Seriously, I eat plenty of food. I'm not lacking in the calories, that's for sure.

I bought low-fat cinnamon graham crackers and hid them from my father because he'd eat them all on me before I'd even get a chance to eat them. I bought them like a month ago. He can eat the regular ones, which I don't like. I like the cinnamon!! So my mom said, "What are these graham crackers doing in here?" I told her I was hiding them from dad because he eats all my snacks before I even get a chance to eat them. She said, "Well you eat less than a bird." Um, clearly I don't.


I'm going to play field hockey tonight and it's 95 degrees and humid. I LOVE this weather. It's going to be like this all week. We've had a great summer so far. I'm getting bummed that it's almost over.

I'm watching "The Closer" right now. Taped it last night because I watched the Martina special. Charro sort of looks like Kyra Sedgwick, but not really. I can't figure it out. Charro's prettier, I think.

Speaking of Charro, we have a "phone SESSION" on Friday. I hope the phone doesn't cut in and out like it always does. I feel like I miss half the things she says to me. It's much easier to talk to her over the phone but I miss the face to face interaction.


Let's hope that no parental bombs drop on me anytime soon. Don't need that, that's for sure!!

Sugarland in Bryant Park

Here are some pics from the Sugarland concert in Bryant Park last Friday. It was fun!! I was on tv for a split second too. Ha!







Monday, July 30, 2007

Maybe they do suspect something

I planned my shopping adventure so I didn't have to be home for dinner tonight. I was making my protein shake and my dad asked what kind of pasta we wanted for dinner. I said, "I'm not going to be here so I don't care." He asked why and I told him that I was going shopping. My mom chimed in and said "she never eats with us." My dad said "She doesn't like to eat with us anymore." Then my mom said, "We're eating early. You can eat with us and then go." I'm not really sure how it ended, but I didn't eat with them and I left. I ate a little more than just my protein shake, so it looked like I ate more than just my protein shake. They can't say that I don't eat.

I got new sneakers!! Yay!! I need to try them out on the treadmill in the morning. My feet are still killing me. I've gained a million pounds the past couple of days so I need to get rid of that.

I picked blackberries from my backyard today. We have a wild bush so I picked them and ate some. If I'm not around tomorrow you'll know they were poisonious. Ha!




Sunday, July 29, 2007

Text from J.

"I'm laying here thinking about you and will be the glue that holds us together during your current situation. I believe that you can do it and feel free to talk to me about anything any time."

How can he possibly love me that much to want to deal with me?? Why do I deserve him?

Fat again...

I feel like I'm going to puke, not so much because I feel like I need to puke but because I ate too much and feel like I could puke. (Not on purpose.) I do sort of feel like I'd feel better if I puked...and I do sort of need to but I'm not going to. I'm not really freaking out about it, I just feel like everything's is sitting in throat ready to come up. Yum, ha?!

With that said, I've gained a million pounds today and it's not really freaking me out yet because I just have it in my head that I'll get rid of it tomorrow and the next day. I just need to not really eat much. Back to the good ole diet. I need to shed some poundage and I need to do it before I get any fatter. I just am so gross.

I'm really tired and need to go to sleep. I need to write in my FFJ first though. Maybe I'll get skinny tomorrow.

Oh yeah...J. said to me tonight, "I hope you never make yourself throw up (meaning in the future)." I said "I won't. I won't do that." He said, "I don't believe that. I think you might end up trying it sometime and I already worry about you. I don't need to worry about you doing that."

No need to worry there J. It's okay!

The Devil comes out

I just logged on and noticed I was at 666 posts so I'm just posting to not be devilish anymore, so I'm posting.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

No talking

I went to Charro yesterday and ended up not really talking too much. I walked in and said "I'm not very chatty" and she asked if I was "pissed." I said "no," because I wasn't. I don't know why I didn't feel like being there but I just didn't. I usually like going but I just didn't want to yesterday. I really like her and feel comfortable with her, as comfortable as I can, I guess, but I just didn't want to talk yesterday.

I felt/feel bad that I didn't talk. I felt like I was wasting her time and mine, but more so hers. I know she wants to me to talk more in general so I'm sure yesterday wasn't that great. At least I warned her about my lack of chat.

She really believes that my parents and sister know what's going on with me. I don't think so, but then maybe I just don't want to believe it. I don't really know. We talked about how I would die if my parents every really knew how I felt because it would devastate them to know what I struggle with constantly. I guess by being able to see that I can see that my thoughts/behaviors are not normal. I just don't want anyone to be concerned. I don't think there is a need for concern. Physically, I'm quite healthy. Mentally, well that's up for debate. ;)

I'm sort of mad at myself for wasting that "hour" yesterday. I wish I could have gotten myself to open up more. It would be so much easier if I had a blanket over my head. I did, however, notice that Charro has a tattoo on her ankle. I saw it out of the corner of my eye and thought it was either a tat or a bruise. I kept trying to see and I finally saw that it was a tat. I knew Charro was cool but not she's even cooler. (That's funny, I don't know why I think she's "cooler" because she has a tattoo. I don't even like tattoos. Maybe it just makes her more human or something in my eyes.

I can't make it into the city to see her next week so we will be having a phone "session." She leaves notes in my FFJ, which I love. I love getting her feedback, even if it's hard to read sometimes, but then again, I have NO idea how she reads my handwriting. It's beyond horrible!

Anyway, I'm going to a concert on the Green (big piece of grassy land in the middle of a town or city. It's a New England thing) with J. and my sis and her family and her friends. Should be fun, if the storms hold off. I'm bringing pizza and she's bring the salad. I also made "
Bark."

That's about. I walked 9 frigging miles in the city yesterday and didn't lose a single ounce. In fact, I'm probably fatter but I'm not really concerned about it....yet.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Don't feel like talking anymore

I've decided that I really don't feel like going to therapy anymore. Not that I don't like Charro, because I do, I just don't feel like going anymore. I don't have anything to talk about. This thought came to me at about 3:40 this morning while I was lying in bed. I just don't feel like going. I'm sure tomorrow I'll go and ending changing my mind about this but right now I just don't feel like talking. I'm sick of talking. I don't need to do it anymore.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Venting while killing time

I've decided that I hate my scale...well for the moment. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. It's the whole love/hate relationship thing. I weigh too much right now. I need to weigh less. I need to stop caring so much about how much I weigh, but I can't help that. I need to get my clothes out the the dryer so I can go to bed but I'm not sure they're done yet. I need to not have my stomach sticking out so much. I'd like to go to sleep now.

I just realized that I've stated all those things incorrectly. As I learned in the seminar I took last spring, I should be saying things like; "I'd like to be free from this weight obsession."

Whatever, I just want to lose weight. I'm feeling blob-like and the scale proves that my feelings are accurate.

Bedtime.

The "Palm's" palm

My palmtree
A day at the beach


I feel like I need to run about 70 miles right now. I feel fat and gross. Oh wait, I am fat and gross which is probably why I feel that way. Blah. I just want to feel skinny. I just want to look in the mirror and down at myself and like what I see. Sometimes I'm okay with how I look, but most of the time I don't.

I went to the beach today with my sis and the boys. It was nice. The water was nice too, and I usually never go in. Oh wait, I never even go to the beach here, never mind in the water here. I was hot so I went in though. Whatever.

I need to cut down on my food.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried or stressed out about Jen. I am, and I'm very scared for her. She probably won't be reading this so I can write this without fear. I'm really scared for her. I just worry about what's going to happen to her.

Ugh...

I need to go to the store and buy some BBQ Soy Crisps. They're my new addiction. Oh well, they're good. I don't plan on eating dinner tonight, but that's my problem. I made some dessert to bring to NYC with my tomorrow night.

I need to shower but I don't want to. I'm a little beachy. I need to lose 73 pounds too. I don't know what else I'm feeling but that covers it for now.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Mom

(Mom comes down the stairs and enters from hallway) - How do you know if your scale is right?

(Me at kitchen table) - I don't know

Mom- I feel bigger than ever but it says I weigh less. Can you weigh yourself at the gym and then weigh yourself here?

Me- I weighed myself at the doctor and then weighed myself here and it was the same.

Mom- When was that?

Me- January.

Mom- That was a long time ago.

Me- Step on it a few times and see what it says.

Mom- I did that. It was the same.

Me- Then it's right.

(I didn't even know she weighed herself)

It's Tuesday

I feel like I've eaten so much already today. That's not good, but I'd rather eat in the morning than later on in the day. I feel like it gives me time to burn off the calories. I know that it really doesn't matter what time you eat, all that matters is the calories burned throughout the day in relation to calories taken in. I probably weigh 2,000 lbs right now, but whatever. At least I get to play field hockey tonight which means I will burn a lot of calories AND have FUN!! Yay for fun!! I absolutely love it.

I'm going to NYC on Friday to see Sugarland on Good Morning America. I love them!! Look for me. Ha ha!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Operation Bertha

I've several people who are plotting to take my scale, aka "Bertha" away from me. Jen failed at her mission. Ha ha, sorry Jen!! You can't use your father as an excuse either!! Just last night J. tried to get me to give my scale to him. I was like, "no way!" He also said, "why don't you just stay with me for a week? I'll take away my scale so you can't weigh yourself all week." Nice try J., but that's not happening anytime soon. I know everyone's just trying to help, but I don't want to give up my scale. I'm not ready for that.

My cat is on my lap and she is purring. I have a zit on my face and I'm craving chocolate. Well, not right now because I had some low fat 100 calorie ice cream sandwich thing. What's better than that? Now I feel like I weigh too much, but what else is new. I couldn't figure out why I was craving chocolate all day long and then I realized that I'm probably pmsing. Fun stuff. Who knows how long that will last. I don't exactly follow a schedule, which is annoying.

Now my other cat is here. He needs to move.

I don't have much else to say. I get to play field hockey tomorrow night!! YAY!!!

Bertha's back!

So Bertha's back!! I haven't gone completely out of control with weighing myself, but I have been weighing myself more than I should be, I guess. I've already weighed myself twice and it's only 11 AM. I am trying not to weigh myself as much though. I don't really think it all really matters in the long run anyway. So what if I weigh myself.

I'm completely exhausted. I did not get enough sleep this weekend. I wish the sun was out so I could take a nap outside. I don't feel like doing any work today so maybe I won't. I probably have a lot to blog about from the weekend but I'm too tired to think. I got the important stuff out already, I guess. I still have to write about the funny Charro thing that happened on Friday. That will come later.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Dinner in NY with J.

It's late and I need to write so much still...maybe tomorrow.

So dinner with J. in NYC...

He took me to this nice Italian restaurant. I think he just likes seeing me eat. I ate and ate too much, though if I think about it, it was still probably less than what a normal person would be. The food was really good though. I felt gross after.

We walked for a while after dinner, which was good. I walked a total of 120 blocks (6 miles) on Friday, which made me feel good. I also worked out for 75 minutes that morning so I felt okay about things, for the most part. I just needed to keep walking.

I stayed at J.'s Friday night and had all intentions to get up and go to the gym Saturday morning but never made it there. I was freaking about that for a little bit.

Today I went to J.'s friend's house to hang out. The drive home sucked for a few reasons; we were stuck in traffic and he wanted to have serious conversations. He told me that he'd "die for me," which scares the hell out of me. He asked me how I felt about marriage (ugh) too. I want to get married, just don't think I want to marry him. Then he asked me about my eating issues. I tried to explain things as best as I could, but it's really hard. He doesn't really get it, but he does.

The whole talk put me in a weird, kind of mellow/depressed mood. I just felt like I was letting him down or something, that I'm too messed up for him and he should just run while he can.

We both sat in silence for a while. I kind of felt like I wanted to cry. I was a little stressed about the whole thing too. We continued the conversation a little later on, in my driveway. He told me he will do anything for me and be there for me. He wants to see me get over this and will listen at all hours. Very sweet, yet freaky at the same time. I don't know. It's just so complicated. I'm complicated. He cares so much about me. I just don't get it.

I guess I should go to bed. I'm too emotional and tired to write now.

Appt. #15

I feel like I've been out of the blog world for a while. I've been in NYC and not home so much so I haven't been able to keep up with blogging. I guess I've got some stuff to write about.

I saw Charro on Friday. I wasn't really looking forward to that considering I didn't really want to talk about the whole not weighing myself experience and the freak out on Wednesday night.

I walked into her office and she asked how my week went. I said, "It was great. I can't wait to do that again." Her response, "I sense some sarcasm." Uh, ya think?! So we chatted and not far into the "session" (I don't think I could hate that word anymore) she said, "I'm very concerned..." I kind of don't remember what followed that because I got scared of what she was going to say. My first thought was oh God, what is she's going to say that I need something more? It freaked me out. I think she started talking about what I write in my FFJ and how I "need to eat more," etc. I don't really know what happened but there's no need to be "very or really concerned."

It was a pretty intense "session" and I put my shirt over my face and I asked her I could sit like that and she said "absolutely not!" and then proceeded to ask me why I wanted to cover up my face and "hide." Um, because I don't like to look at people while I'm talking about things. Lovely, there was a funny response to that but I'll write about that later.

J. met me in the city and we had a lovely dinner together. More to come on that later...

I don't have time to write about all the crap I need to write about because he's coming to get me and I have to shower because I'm gross because I ran 9 miles at the gym this morning and got really sweaty, at least I changed my clothes and washed up a little.

Okay, I'll be back later...hopefully not too much later. I'd like to be home by 6, if not sooner, but it's noon now so I don't think that will happen. Grrr. I'm aggravated and don't want to go.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I knew it!

Just as I suspected, I gained weight! Do I know my body or what?! I'm less than a pound higher than I should be, which is still 2 pounds higher than I really should be. So, what does this all mean?? It means that I am never giving up Bertha again!!

I've weighed myself 2 and a half times already and I'll be weighing myself before I leave for NYC. So much for that.

On a brighter note, I found the 4 belly rings that I thought I lost and I saw my hot husband at the gym this morning.

**EDIT**

I just weighed myself again and it's back down to what it was on Sunday. (I'm plugging my ears and I'm still not giving up my scale!)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

D Day

Tomorrow is "D Day." I finally get to weigh myself. I'm excited and scared. I'm afraid I've gained weight and I know I will freak if the number is not where I think it should be. I might hop on the scale when I wake up in the middle of the night because I can't wait any longer.

I'm starving right now but I won't let myself eat because I feel like I weigh too much. I want to eat but I can't. I want food. I want to be able to eat whatever it is that I want. Not being able to weigh myself has not helped with that. I've been more restrictive, if anything.

Anyway, 2 more hours until Friday!! :) or :( I'm not sure which face it will be.

I want it back!

I almost weighed myself this afternoon. Why? Because I can!! Because it's MY life!! Because I want my control back!! I feel like I'm being held hostage, like I'm being told over and over and over again that I can't weigh myself, so of course that makes me want to weigh myself even more. I want to be able to do what I want! I want my life back. I can't really explain what I'm feeling, how it feels to me. It's really like someone has me tied up and I can't get to my scale. Like I'm walking in the desert and I'm dying of thirst and I can see what I think is water ahead but I can never get to it. That's what it feels like and it sucks and I just want to go weigh myself and be like ha ha ha, I weighed myself and you couldn't stop me. See, I DID what I wanted to do and you have no control over me!!!

Last night

Okay, so I guess I should probably write about last night now, since I've put it off for this long.

I clearly freaked out. I didn't even eat dinner and I was freaking out. I felt disgustingly huge, like I had gained a million pounds. I didn't know what to do or why I was freaking out, other than the fact that I felt so fat. (Not that I still don't feel that way.) I felt like I either needed to weigh myself or throw up. I went up to the bathroom and stood there and paced around for a few minutes. Then I decided that I wasn't going to weigh myself which meant that I only had one other option left, according to my brain and my other post. So, I tried to throw up but didn't succeed. Does that mean it doesn't count?? After that I ran around the house and up and down the stairs, dropping down on the ground and doing push-ups like a crazy woman, then did some other exercises until I started to feel a little better.

I'm not going to lie, it was a bad night. Well, a bad few hours, but I eventually felt better. (as "better" as I could feel."

I get to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night to pee and weigh myself then. Although, that might get me really pissed off if I weigh more and then I won't be able to fall back to sleep so I don't know if that's such a good idea. It's probably not what Charro had in mind either. I'll guess we'll see what happens.

I'll post more later. I'm done for now.

Oh, thanks for all your comments to that last post. This is my cheesy/lazy response to them all.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

2 options

I have two options right now: Weigh myself or throw up...

I'm thinking the latter is the better of the two...


**Edited**

I'm feeling better now, two hours later. I really don't feel like writing about it now though. Maybe later.

The nervous rock

Okay, I'm rocking back and forth in my chair because I don't know what else to do. I REALLY want to weigh myself. I'm afraid that I've gained a million pounds. Okay, maybe not a million, but at least a pound or two and I can't deal with it. It's getting harder by the second, as I sit here. I need to make it til Friday morning but I don't know if I can do that. At this point it's not looking all that promising. I just NEED to weigh myself. I need to know what my body is doing. I really need to know if I've gained weight because I feel like I've gained a ton.

I'm going to completely freak out if I wake up on Friday morning and have gained weight. Charro will get to see me in freak out mode. Wonderful! I'll get to see my TF too on Friday and I haven't seen her in like 2 months.

Okay, I'm freaking out now. I really need to weigh myself. I don't want to eat because I'm scared I'm just getting fatter and fatter. Weighing myself one time is really not going to make a difference with anything. It's not like I'm going to get hooked on it. It's not like cocaine or anything. I just want to step on it once, find out what I weigh and be on my merry, or not so merry way. (I do sound like a drug addict).

Seriously, my stomach is fat and I'm so afraid of what the scale is going to say. It was good on Sunday but that was 3 days, really 4 days ago.

Gotta love that this is my second post of the day and it's only 2 pm. The sad thing is that there will probably more to come.

I love not weighing myself

Not being able to weigh myself is really a lot of fun. (Can you sense the sarcasm?) Clearly, I'm kidding about that. I'd really rather just weigh myself and have whatever feelings I have, whether they be good or bad, and deal with those. At least I'd know how much I weigh. I hate not knowing. The good news, I got Charro to move up my weigh time, after much begging and pleading, so I am allowed to weigh myself Friday morning rather than when I get back from NYC Friday night. Thank God!!! It's not that much of a difference but it is.

I guess it doesn't really matter because I'm going to go right back to weighing myself all the time anyway. Although, I fear that she's going to want me to go two weeks without weighing myself and that's just NOT going to happen. No way!!! Seriously, I don't even know if I can make it until Friday. I think I just don't want to because I really just want to know how much I weigh!

Onto other things, I played field hockey last night. It was so much fun!! A ton of people showed up too. I was getting mad because everyone was chatting and I just wanted to play. I was like, can we start sometime today!? We're going again tomorrow night but I don't know how many people will show up or if we will have a field to play on. I hope people show up and I hope we have a field. I just LOVE being out there and playing, not to mention that fact that it's a good workout without even being a "workout." I just love it so much. I can just go out there and play and not think about anything else. Yes, there is the occasional, or more like often touch of the stomach and the I'm so fat thought, but then I just keep running around. It's so fun. My legs are a little tired today, which is always nice.

I've been talking to Jen a lot, trying to keep her mind busy. She's exhausted and not much has changed with the status of her father. I haven't spoken to her since last night though.

That's about it. I need to take my contacts out, my eyes hurt.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Bertha, where are you?

This sucks! Really, in the grand scheme of life it's nothing, but to me right now, it sucks!! I haven't weighed myself since before I left for NYC on Sunday and I'm not supposed to weigh myself until after I see Charro on Friday. Great! How's that working out for me? Not so great!

I'm sitting here, kind of hungry, but I'm afraid to eat because I don't know what I weigh. Therefore, I don't want to eat because I'm afraid I'll gain a hundred pounds. Pretty counterproductive assignment, huh?

I'm kind of actually getting a little pissed and want to just not eat at all and lose weight and be like "see what not weighing myself causes?" I'm not mad at Charro by any means. She's just trying to help me, but I am angry. Fucha, I just want to freaking weigh myself!!!!! It's not fair. I guess I'm being kind of rebellious right now. Like, okay, you don't want me to weigh myself, I'll just not eat and lose weight! If I can't do this, I'll do this!

I'm very anxious about the whole thing. I've got the leg shake going. Right now I've got the chair rocking back and forth. Maybe I'll burn a lot of calories moving around so much. I'd really rather just weigh myself. I told her if I gained 1 ounce, she was getting an email from me Friday night and I would never not weigh myself again.

Yes, it would be "easier" if I didn't have to see my scale every time I went into the bathroom. One friend suggested I give it to J. or mail it to her. I declined both of those suggestions. She's doing her best to help me and I'm like "no." I don't mean it personally.

Maybe I just don't want to "get better." I don't know. Though, it would be nice not to have to worry about this crap all the time. The non-weighing myself thing is making me even more obsessive though. I just want to give in and get rid of all this anxiety it's causing me.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Messages to Jen

Hey guys!

Thanks for all the messages to Jen that you left in my comments section. I will send those on to her. If you want to send her an email, and you don't have her address, you can send them to me and I will forward them one to her. She could use the support. She said she didn't care if I told you guys what was going on, but I still feel weird doing that. I'll just say that her father is in the hospital and she needs some kind words and lots of prayers. Thanks.

Oh, my email is thepalmtreechick-at-yahoo.com.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

What's up, Muscles?

I'm back in NYC, unfortunately Jen is not with me. :( I miss ya, chica!

I got off the train in Harlem today, instead of taking it to Grand Central Station. As I was crossing the street some guy says to me, "What's up, Muscles?" Of course I thought, great, now I look like a huge muscle woman. I guess it's better than "Hey Fatty!" Ironically, my shirt did say "fatty girl" on the back, but he didn't see that.


Okay, it's now Monday and I'm home. I didn't finish that post last night. I got sidetracked.

I had to go to Coney Island for work today. I also had an appointment with Charro. Ugh, I am so SICK of sitting. I sat on the subway for 2 hrs and on the train for 2 hrs. I'm done sitting, yet I'm sitting now.


So my appointment with Charro wasn't all that exciting. I didn't have much to say. She mentioned that I bring in food to eat sometime. I didn't really like that idea. Charro and me eating together? Um, no thanks. I guess it probably wouldn't be that bad. Afterall, she knows I eat, but still, it would just be weird.

The bigger bombshell that fell was when she said that she didn't want me to weigh myself until after she saw me on Friday. Oh man, I get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. Clearly, I did NOT like that one at all and said to her that I'd rather bring food in and eat with her than do that.

I want to weigh myself SOOOO BADLY. I think I'm going to freak out because I can't do it. The first thing I do when I get home is weigh myself and I couldn't do it. I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep without weighing myself. I really just need to weigh myself. Shit, the more I think about it the more I start freaking out. How am I possibly going to do this? I said to Charro, when she suggested this (and after I argued with her for a while), "So, I'll be sleeping in your office for the next 4 nights?" She said, "Yes, with the door locked."

That's it. UGH!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

First things first

I've talked to Jen several times today. She's completely exhausted, to say the least. Things seem to be looking a little better though. I know I haven't given you any details about anything but I haven't asked her if she wants me to post anything about it. I'm sure she wouldn't mind but I don't want to write about her private life without her permission. Here are some pictures we took in Union Square in NYC yesterday.

My dirty foot
"Are you looking at me?"


I'm sad that Jen had to leave, but obviously I totally understand. She needs to be home and I wanted to get her home as fast as possible. I just wish, for many reasons...the main one being her the health of her family, that she was still here. We had so many fun things planned. :( I just want everyone to be get healthy!!

So, not that I'm somewhat conscious, let me tell you about our day yesterday. We hopped on the train, Jen's very first train ride, and headed to the Big Apple. We hopped on a subway and headed to Union Square and the Village. We kind of just wandered aimlessly. Jen really liked the whole walking thing, of course! At 12:30 I received a call from Charro. She had to cancel because she hurt her foot. Jen and I were quite saddened by that. The good news...we rescheduled for Monday so Jen was still going to get to see Charro!! (Well, not now she won't).
Bummer!
We walked some more, sat in the park, went to the bathroom in Charro's building and ran into my TF's T (Therapist friend's therapist). I COMPLETELY lost it and could not stop laughing. Jen kept saying "she keeps looking at you!" I just couldn't stop laughing and Jen couldn't look at her because she was looking at me. She got in the elevator and it looked pretty crowded so I said, "We'll wait for the next one. It's too crowded." Um, yeah like 3 more people got in after I said that. We got to the floor and the TF's T got off the other elevator at the same time and we all started walking towards the bathroom. She was killing us. Luckily she got sidetracked by another woman who caught her ear. Jen did get a good enough look at her to say "she is scary looking!!" Yes, yes she is!
We met up with Sfarky around 5 and went for some Tasti-D'Lite. Yummers! Then we walked around some more and chatted until we had to end our visit abruptly. The rest is explained in last night's post.
I was exhausted today and didn't do much of anything besides my half-assed workout and taking Jen's suitcase to UPS place. That was pretty much it. I am so going to bed early tonight!
I'm off to NYC again tomorrow because I have to be there for work on Monday. I'm supposed to see Charro on Monday too, provided her injury is better. Hopefully she'll be good to go!


Friday, July 13, 2007

Jen

I don't know where to start with this. Jen is on a plane home right now. She has a family medical emergency at home. She received a message around 6:30 pm from her brother while we were hanging out with Sfark. There was no question that she had to go home it was just a matter of how to get her home.

We hopped in a cab and headed to LaGuardia and got her there in time to get her on a flight. I can't imagine what is going through her head right now. I feel so horrible, I can't even describe it. She's up in the air with no contact with any family members, and then she has to drive another 90 minutes to get to the hospital. I can't imagine what that must be like. I feel so badly for her.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers. I don't want to say much else but keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Oh SHIrT!

Okay, so we had some issues when it came to the shirt making. Jen had trouble with her heart, it seems to be a recurring thing in her life. Luckily this heart was the one being put on her shirt. I can’t deal with any trips to the ER. Sfarky’s came out fine… Mine on the other hand…well, you just need to see it for yourselves. Can YOU find the error?? Ironically enough, neither Jen or I noticed it until we looked at the picture over an hour later. We saw the “minor” error and missed the big one!


Tears streamed from both of our eyes from laughter, though mine quickly turned to sorrow. It’s a sad day in T-shirtsville…yet it is pretty funny and I will be wearing it to Charro tomorrow!

Treat from J.

I have two seconds to write so this will be fast...

I went to the spa yesterday, as J. instructed me to do so and found out I was having a facial. It was so nice. I got yelled at by the woman, Yolanda, for picking my face. She did say I have a "clean face," which is a good thing. It was so relaxing and I actually didn't do much thinking for that hour. That's a first.

I almost fell asleep because I had been up since 4:30 AM. That stunk. Just couldn't fall back to sleep. Oh well. I got home late last night too. J. and I went to dinner and then shopping to get him some new clothes. I ended up with a "Cheerios" t-shirt some how. He wanted to get me a "Blow Pop" one but that seemed inappropriate.

So that was that. It was a nice afternoon/evening.

Now I'm cleaning because I have to pick Jen up in 5 hours. I have to drive to go see a client who is an hour away. Ugh, that sucks. I wanted to take a nap in the sun but I don't think that will happen. Oh well, I guess my skin doesn't really need it. I damage it enough with those UV rays.

Okay, I need to go. One last thing, which I may post about later, if I get a chance, I told my friend H. about Charro today. That's after she came up to me at the gym and was like "I saw you on tv last night." (not really me). "They did a story on exercise anorexia and the girl was you." So we chatted and it was good. Now I don't need to post about it because I just did. Bye!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Feelin' a bit better

I THINK (that's for you Jen) that I'm feeling better after talking to Charro. Ah, it felt really good to talk to her. It's been almost four weeks. I hate that I have to rely on someone to help me feel better about stuff though. That's not in my nature and I don't like it.

Anyway, Charro jumped right into conversation, though I tried to start with some small talk. I rattled off the past few weeks and told her that I was "freaking out" and having a mental breakdown. She asked why, of course, and I told her it was because I gained 87 pounds. She was like, when did this "freaking out" start? I said, "Saturday." We talked about it a bit. We talk about a lot of things a bit, including my "Accidentally, on purpose" puking incident. She brought it up and asked about "purging." I responded by saying, "I HATE that word" and she said "Would you rather I say 'vomit?" I was like, "That's better but how about 'puke?'"


More chatting took place. It was a really well needed 50 minutes. It seemed very jam packed. I felt like there was so much to talk about and not enough time. She needs to not go away for three weeks again!

Of course, there were the funny moments, which keep me going. She called me a "smart cookie," which seemed like something my mom would say. I told her that she needs to bring butter to grease me up so I can fit through her door. (EJ, you'll like that). She laughed and said, "I can meet you somewhere else if that will help." I told her to meet me downstairs because I'd need help getting into the elevator too. She also told me that I need to "just have my freakout." Funny, that's what Jen kept telling me too.

Man, so much happened and I can't remember it all, especially now because it's 11 PM and I've had two serious conversations today. That's my quota for the year. :) The first with Charro, the second with my friend G. It was good. G. tries to get me to have "Serious Conversations" but I'm not the best at it. It felt really good to talk to her though. (Thanks G!)

It was really nice, when we were done with our "SESSION" Charro said. "I look forward to seeing you on Friday. It seems like it's been such a long time." I was like "I know. I missed coming." So, I think she likes me...maybe?

Okay, I need to go to bed now. I'll think of more stuff tomorrow. Jen comes on Thursday!! YAY!!

How sweet

Okay, so I just got a text message from J. It said "Go to the spa at 3:45 and I will see you at my house after." My first thought, I hope he means tomorrow because I have my appt. with Charro at 3:45 today. He works til 9 tonight so I figured he meant tomorrow, which he did. My second thought, Oh my gosh. That is so incredibly sweet. He is so sweet.

So I called him and asked him if he meant tomorrow, and he did. I thanked him very much and told him that he made me smile. He said, "It's not a massage b/c I know how those freak you out." I was like, "Huh? Massages don't freak me out. I LOVE them." He didn't think I liked them because I haven't used my gift certificate for a massage that I got for Christmas from my bro and his wife. Ironically, I was going to make that appointment for today but didn't. He said, "You've been kind of stressed lately so I figured that you needed something. Everything is taken care of so if they give you any trouble, call me." Now can I cry??

Seriously, how sweet is that? Someone please tell me why I'm no in love with him.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Totally freaking out

I'm losing it. I'm fine, but I just can't deal anymore. I'm just having a minor meltdown. It's been building for a few days I guess and I don't even know what it's all about. Okay, I do a little. I can't deal with my fucking weight. I really can't. I don't know why it's not coming off!! I can't deal. I really can't! (Have I said that before?) I'm only getting fatter, and fatter, and fatter, and fatter!! Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT DEAL!!! This weight just NEEDS to come OFF!!! I'm sure those jeans I bought with EJ aren't going to fit me anymore. I'M TOOOOO FAT!

Poor Jen is trying to deal with me. She keeps telling me to just have my breakdown. At least I have Charro tomorrow. I think she needs to clear her entire schedule on Friday so I can have my mental breakdown in her office all day long.

To top it off, J. is stressing me out. He wanted me to go over tonight and I told him that I wasn't in a good mood and I didn't want to be around anyone. Then he proceeded to start up a serious conversation about our physical relationship. Um, really don't want to go there right now. Ugh!!

I just don't know why I'm getting fatter and fatter. It needs to stop. I don't know what to do. Do I starve myself or just eat whatever the hell I want and just keep getting friggin fatter? I need to lose 938 pounds.
Can I cry now??

Okay, I was chewing a piece of gum and the rest of my chipped tooth just came out in my gum. I chipped part of my molar a few weeks ago on a fireball. Well, the rest of the chip just f'n came out. I am SOOOO going to cry. This is not going to help with my mental breakdown. I hope there's no root damage. I haven't eaten anything to know yet.

Somebody get me a straight jacket. (and if you find a pink one, pick that up for Sfarky).
GETTING CLOSER

I still have no title usage. I think I'm getting closer to having my meltdown. I eat, I gain weight. I don't eat, I gain weight. What other options do I have?? I think I should just go on a huge binge and gain a million more pounds. I mean really, it's not like it matters at this point. Maybe I should just stop eating completely. Now there's an idea. It's not like my metabolism doesn't suck as it is anyway, why not F it up even more?!

I see no light at the end of the tunnel here. I think I just need to not eat. I think that's the only way there is to go. Actually, maybe I'll start a new diet; the "cereal diet." I'll just eat cereal all day long. Maybe that will work. Eat Fiber One all day long and then just "expel" it all. WTF?? (See Jen, I'm trying to have this meltdown before you come). I can't deal. I can't take it anymore.

It's so absolutely ridiculous that I can be so concerned/upset/obsessed/etc. with my weight and people are out there dying of cancer and other horrible illnesses. What's wrong with me? Am I that selfish and vain?? Ugh!

I just can't deal with the 3-4 pounds that I've gained. I don't know where it came from and I don't know why it won't go away. I just want to cry. I would be so much happier if I could just lose 5 lbs. Is that too much to ask for?? I really want to lose 8 but I will take 5. Just let me lose 5 lbs!!

Okay, I need to do some work.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

ON THE VERGE



It still won't let me put a title in the title box.


So last night I was, and possibly still may be, on the verge of a mental breakdown. Not really a mental breakdown so much as a mental meltdown. I don't really know what my deal was. I think I am just so fed up with the fact that I keep gaining weight instead of losing it and I'm doing everything I possibly can to lose it.

So, I got to my bosses house, where I was dog sitting and that's when I started to lose it. I was talking to Jen and just kept saying "I think I'm going to have a mental breakdown but all I can do is laugh." She said "please have it before I get there on Thursday. Thanks Jen. ;) Good help you are. I decided that I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want because it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm gaining weight anyway so I might as well eat my face off!

Fast forward, no tears, J. comes over. I yell at him because he left two beer bottles lying around in the family. One, it's not my house. Two, those aren't even your beers so you better freaking buy him some beer, and three, I'm NOT your house cleaner. So I yelled at him and he said "Why didn't you clean them up?" I said, "They're not my bottles and I'm NOT your house keeper!!!" I think I freaked him out a bit.

I proceeded to tell him that I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. We got bored and went to Starbucks and I told him that I'm going to eat whatever I want because I'm just getting fatter anyway. He liked that. We walked around town a bit, split a fat-free/sugar free frozen yogurt and then walked into a gas station so he could get a lotto ticket. I said, "let's get some treats. I want this, and this, and this, and this. I'm just going to eat whatever I want. I want pizza, but just the crust. I want brownies. I want cookies. I want baked lays. I want Chex Mix. Let's get all of this stuff and make something." Of course, we didn't get anything. He said, "I would have picked up a pizza if I knew you were hungry." I said that I wasn't really hungry but I was just going to eat whatever I wanted to. Obviously, I didn't.

Driving home he said to me, "You're really freaking me out. I've never seen you like this before. What's going on inside of your head?" I asked him why I was freaking him out but he never really gave me an answer. I said, "I told you that I'm having a mental breakdown."

We got home. I ate some crackers. He fell asleep on the couch and then we went to bed. Probably NOT the evening he had in mind. Oh well. Got up this morning and I went to the gym.

I changed my workout a bit too. I actually lifted, like really lifted for over 30 minutes. All upper body. My arms are tired but feel good.

I'm just fed up and saying "fuck it" to everything. So, I will eat and I will not workout as much. (Okay, let's see how long this will last). Maybe, just maybe, I will actually lose weight!!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Why won't it let me put a title in?

I just got back from playing tennis with J. We hit around for about 90 minutes. Unfortunately I only burned another 206 calories for the day, but I guess it's better than nothing. I wasn't running around as much as I should have out there.

I ran 7 miles this morning and lifted weights for like 10 minutes. Now really, is that productive at all? Not so much, but whatever.

I just ate a ton of blueberries and strawberries. They're so good but I think I'm turning into a berry. I have eaten so much fruit over the past week, it's crazy. Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries and pineapple. I'm so not losing any weight either. That is driving me INSANE!!!! WTF?? Why can't I lose weight? It really sucks. Charro has "cured" me. She's made me fat. Well, she didn't make me fat but I'm fatter now so clearly I'm NOT anorexic. Seriously, I need to be back down, weight wise, before I see her on Friday.

I have fat rolls everywhere and it's so gross. I can't deal.

I need a nap. I need to shower. I need to go feed the dogs. I guess I need to eat dinner at some point too. I'm thinking either tofu or a protein shake. Decisions, decisions. I'm not hungry yet though and I don't want to take my shake stuff to my bosses house. Though, J. did grill up some chicken last night, so I could eat that. I need protein!!

I guess I should do something productive right now, though I probably won't.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Eatin' fruit and feelin' fat

I'm feeling really fat. My stomach is huge and has disgusting fat rolls hanging off everywhere. It really grosses me out!! I hate this. I just need to lose a million pounds. I'm working on it. I do weigh less than I did yesterday, which is a good thing. I need to be able to fit through Charro's door next Friday and right now I can't.

I've eaten so much fruit that I think it's coming out of my ears. I'm hoping that it will move right through me (TMI, I know). I figure it's better to fill up on fruit than the other crap that I might eat. I just hope it helps me lose weight. I'm a little nervous about all the sugar, but it's natural sugar.

So, J's supposed to come over and cook up some chicken that's in the fridge. I don't want to eat so I don't think I will. How's that!! He'll love that one but whatever. I don't care. I need to not eat anything else for the rest of the day and I may wake up at a somewhat decent weight tomorrow, though I won't know for sure until I get home and weigh myself on my real scale (Bertha). I did make some tofu so maybe I will partake in that a little later.

I guess I should get going. I have some big dogs to feed.

One week from today, Jen and I will be cruising NYC. I will have just gotten out of my appt. with Charro so Jen will have a nutcase to deal with. Sorry Jen! I'm always a little stressed out or something after my appointments. I can't wait for Jen to get here though! Yay!

Okay, I'm really going now.

I slept in

I've got the day off from work. My boss said to me yesterday, "Eh, you won't be able to do much work this week, just enjoy the days." Um, OK!

I slept in this morning. I was soooo tired. I slept until 8:36 AM, which I never do. Well, I did wake up at 6 to feed the dogs and then went back to sleep.

So, I brought my old scale with me to my bosses house. So, it's really not like I'm weighing myself because it's my digital (Bertha) and I don't know the exact number. So to me, it doesn't count as a weigh-in. I don't know if Charro would agree with that or not, but that's how I see it. Maybe it's my "disordered mind."

Okay, it's way too nice out so I need to get my butt out there.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Belly ring blunders

I've been having some belly ring issues as of late. Over the weekend I lost the palm tree dangle to my bb ring (belly button ring). This morning, while running on the treadmill, I reached down to touch my bb ring, as I do quite often to make sure it's still there because sometimes it clearly isn't there, and the whole thing was gone. I looked down and found the entire bb ring on the treadmill. WTF? The ball had come lose and the whole thing just fell out. There was I, my belly button naked. It had nothing to show for itself except for the white circle above my navel where the ball was. At least I was wearing a shirt to cover it up. I wonder if people saw metal objects falling out of my shirt while I was running?? Hmm. I continued my workout without any jewels in my belly. I felt so naked!!

On a brighter note, I ordered 4 new palm tree bb rings online yesterday. Yeah! I hope they're cool. I've had like 4 palms break on me. The ring clasp gets lose and the dangly tree goes bye bye! :(

On another bright note. I ran 8 miles. It's the first good run I've had since I got concussed last Monday night. I ran last Wednesday but just 4 miles. I started feeling really weird and realized that I had a concussion and shouldn't be running. I ran Friday night (outside), which was nice, though I shouldn't have been running for two reasons; my head and the fact that I'd already worked out for 95 minutes. :) I ran that run very slowly though. I was trailing behind my friend the whole time. She actually sent me home and kept on going, not because I was slow though.

So today I ran 8 miles in about 70 minutes and then road the bike for 30 minutes. I burned 670 calories and have eaten my veggies. More fruits and veggies left to eat because I've got weight to lose.

Right now I need to take a nap though. I'm exhausted and I don't know why. Sleep baby!! Oh, I'm dog sitting at my bosses sweet house for the next few nights. Freedom, big dogs, sweet surround sound stereo system throughout the house, awesome tv set-ups and a nice shower. No scale though!! Grrr... How will I weigh myself tonight? I need to. It's when I need it most and I won't be able to do it. Oh no!! I will weigh myself before I leave here but that's not good enough.

Okay, I need to sleep. No work for me the rest of the week. Bossman said to take the week off. What a nice guy!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

2 second post

I was going to write about how fucking fat and disgustingly huge I am, but I am too tired. I wanted to write during my minor meltdown but J. showed up. Now I'm going to go weigh myself and go to bed and have another minor meltdown.

Til tomorrow...

Fruits and Veggies

That's all I'm eating for the next 9 years...or until I lose 8 lbs, which ever comes first. I bought a ton of strawberries, raspberries and a pineapple today so I can make a fruit salad. Tomorrow I will get some blueberries too! I also bought a ton of veggies to make grilled veggies.

I can't deal with this fatness anymore. It's been here long enough and I don't know why it keeps coming back, but it needs to go NOW!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

"Accidently, on purpose"

I'm sitting here on the phone with Jen, waiting for J. to come over. My cat is purring and I feel like I'm going to throw up a little. Okay, so I already did throw up a little, but I didn't mean too. I should say, it wasn't on purpose and it wasn't really a lot, just negative 2 and a half bites. Seriously though, it wasn't on purpose and I still feel like I'm going to throw up a little. Maybe it was the raw pizza dough I ate. I can't say that I didn't try and "help it along" a little on the way up though. I also can't say that I didn't try and make it happen again, which it did a very little. There were no chunkers involved so it doesn't really count. Again though, I did NOT do it on purpose and I still feel like I'm going to puke.

So, it happened "accidently" and then I helped it along "on purpose."

By the way, I weigh 300 pounds!

**EDITED**

Do I need to tell Charro about this?? It was like 3 spits and it wasn't intentional...initially.

Two post Tuesday

I knew I'd be back. Ew, I feel gross and I don't want to eat dinner. Unfortunately, I have to make pizza for everyone tonight. I don't want to make pizza and I don't want to eat pizza. I guess I just have bread and sauce, no cheese, but I really don't want any of it. Maybe I just won't have any of it. I really just don't want to eat. I need to lose 83 pounds. Seriously, I do!

I need a drink. (water) Okay, I'm less thirsty now, but still fat.

Last night J. and I played tennis. For the record, I won!!! I felt SO incredibly fat and gross and just wanted to hide in some big sheet. I hated the shirt I had on, it was too tight. He liked it, of course! I felt so disgusting and I don't want to tell him how gross I feel because that will just push him away. (way to switch tenses). I really just want to lose 5 pounds and then I will be happy. I will feel so much better thinner. I really will.

I'm never going to be able to be "normal." Clearly, I'm not making any strides here, but maybe I'm just not ready to. Who knows. I know that it will be nice to talk to Charro again on Tuesday, even if I don't know what to talk about, though Sarah gave me some ideas. :)

Still having issues...

With my head! (I bet you thought I was going to say something else, though that's still an issue too).

It seems to come in waves, but I still seem to be having issues with my head. Even right now I find it hard to focus on the computer screen. I get a little spacey and almost dizzy sometimes when I'm teaching aerobics, and it has nothing to do with my food intake. J. says I need to take a week off to let it heal, and I know he's right and I should listen to him, but I can't. After all, I am only given one brain, I don't want to F it up more so than I already have. In all honestly, I haven't given myself a rest. I keep going and going and going and I do need to rest it...along with my body that is still shot! Why, if I know all of this stuff and know how serious head injuries can be (though my concussion was very very minor) am I not listening to what I know and what J. is telling me?? Am I that obsessed with working out? I guess so. Why am I being so stupid? I know I should take care of myself and I'm not. I don't get it.

Anyway, I think my relationship with "Bertha" is getting more involved again. Not a good thing since I'm supposed to be weighing myself ONLY ONCE a day. That is IMPOSSIBLE!! I really can't do that. I need to know what I weigh and I need to lose weight.

I talk to Charro next Tuesday, so that should be interesting. How do you catch up on over three weeks of stuff? Not much has happened. I got concussed, had a job interview, gained 7 million pounds...nothing extraordinary. You know, the usual!

I need to stop looking at this screen now. I'll probably post later.

Monday, July 02, 2007

One word...Exhausted!






I'm (still) completely exhausted. Sunday in the Hampton's brought another 90 minute bike ride. My legs were ready to fall off prior to getting on the bike so you can just imagine what they were like after riding nearly 20 miles. They were shaking like crazy and I could barely peddle. It was pretty though. We rode to the beach, via the "scenic route." G. made her way into the freezing cold (64 degree) Atlantic Ocean, while I played photographer. (It was much warmer that way). Then we hopped on the bike and rode home. I did not move again, minus a few flips off the diving board, until it was time to leave.

I tried sleeping on the train but had no luck, which makes no sense because all I wanted to do was sleep. Here's a funny story. I had to switch train cars to get off at my stop. That required me walking through a train car (going sort of outside btwn the doors) to get to the next car. The doors on these trains are pretty heavy and the air pressure makes it much harder to open the doors...carrying a ton of luggage doesn't help either. So, I made it through and my flip flip got stuck (with my foot in it) in the door behind me. So there I was, stuck on the outside of the moving train, with all my crap, not being able to move. I finally got the door open and my flip flip out and made my way into the next car. Phew! I thought I was going to fall out onto the tracks.

I got home and went to bed because I had to get up at 4:45 this morning to teach aerobics. I didn't sleep last night because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. I got to class, still exhausted, and taught. My legs would not do what my brain was telling them too. They were just too tired, and my knee still hurts from biking. I usually stay and workout after I teach but I just came home and laid in bed from 7-9 AM. I don't really know if I slept or not. I know I am still so tired and I don't feel like doing anything, including working.

Hampton's highlights: Tasti D'Lite!!! ;) It was 5 miles from the house. We stopped on our bike ride on Saturday and got some. I don't think I would have made it home if I didn't get some Tasti D'Lite.

The weekend was great. The weather was great. It was so nice to hang out with the girls. It was even nicer of them to invite me. And...I did 8 hours of physical activity in a 2 day period. That might have been a little excessive. But, and I hesitate to write this because I'm afraid it won't stay this way, I lost weight!! Yeah, I'm back (not to where I want to be) down and out of the triple digits. Yay. Now I just need to keep it going down and I will be happy!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Chilling with the girls

It's Sunday morning. I was going to post last night but I was way too tired.

I'm hanging out in Long Island with some friends. Yesterday was a fun-filled day. Woke up and went for a 2 hour long bike ride. Let's talk about that for a minute...I don't ride bikes. I was a little nervous about being in the busy roads but it was fine. My body was pretty much the problem. I can't even explain how I felt but it was weird. Maybe it was because I worked out for an hour and 35 minutes on Friday morning and then got here and ran for an hour Friday night. YEAH!! :) More exercise that was needed! So, I think my legs were tired already a little on Saturday morning.

Back the ride...it was pretty riding around but I was dying. Well, not dying. Like I said, I don't really know how I felt. Kind of spacey and like I wanted to just get off the bike and lay down and not move and just sleep or something. Just weird, but it was good. My friend was like "What hurts?" and I was like "I don't know. I just want to cry." Ha!

After the bike ride we went to the beach. It was beautiful and I will post pictures when I get home. Took an hour long walk on the beach with my already tired legs. Got home around 5 and totally could have passed out. I was so tired. Between the lack of sleep the night before, the sun and the exercise, I was shot.

G. and I went to dinner at this cool restaurant. I ate way too much and felt nasty. We then went to the grocery store. This was funny, but one of those you had to be there moments. I was holding a cake in my hands and G. handed me some muffins to look at. Well, all these boxes started falling down and I couldn't pick them up because my pants were also falling down and I had a cake in my hand! I had to turn backwards to pick the boxes up so people wouldn't see my crack. It was stressful yet funny. Ha! We both proceeded to walk the the store grabbing a bunch of stuff and we didn't have a basket. We could barely carry anything and I was like "I need to go get apples." I was carrying things with my chin. It was bad.

Got home from the store and went for another hour long walk. I really needed that because I was having issues "sitting with" my feelings. (Had to say that b/c it's been so long). I really just wanted to weigh myself but there's no scale here. It will be the first thing I do when I get home though. I swear, if I have gained any weight, I WILL lose it!! (My mind...and hopefully the weight). I really will. I can't take this being fat business any longer.

So now I'm here and still so exhausted. I have to get up at 4:45 AM tomorrow which is totally going to suck!! I'm so tired. As for my legs, I'm not sure they'll function to do much working out today, which may be a problem.

It's a beautiful day so I'm going to enjoy it!