Thursday, June 28, 2007

Fat, tired and concussed

I'm tired, concussed and fat!! What a great threesome, huh? Throw in there an occasional dizziness/spaciness and we're all set.

My stupid scale will not budge. Bertha sucks ass!! She's in luck since mine is apparently getting bigger.

The first thing I thought this morning was "Yay! I don't have to eat dinner tonight!! Yay!!" So, I'm planning on having a protein shake and hopefully nothing else but maybe some fruit or air popped popcorn. I really need to lose weight and I don't know how I got so fat. I really hate it and can't deal. I'm trying so hard to lose it but nothing is happening. I don't understand. My metabolism must be completely shot and that completely sucks!!

I'm going away this weekend and I won't have my scale. Ooh, maybe there's a scale in the house I'll be at. I need to weigh less, that's all I know. I don't understand why I'm not weighing less! This sucks ass man!

Okay, I've got a headache and nothing else to say so I'm done for now.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I rang my bell...again!

I gave myself another concussion Monday night. It's nothing serious, but I'm a little spacey. It's actually really funny how it happened. It's so hard to type it though, but I will try. It's kind of something that has to be re-enacted. Here it goes though.

J. and I were down at the lake near my house and I thought it would be fun to see who could run and jump the furthest. So I drew a line in the sand, got my running start and jumped!! It was a great take off and I had some serious air and distance going for me. (The beach had a little bit of a decline.) I was fine until the landing. My feet skidded about 4 feet and I fell back on my ass and whacked my head. I sat this in shock for a second before I started cracking up. I looked back at J., who was on the ground hysterically laughing. We were both dying. He was like, "You okay? You hit pretty hard." I told him I was fine, and I was. I had some sand burn on my arms, which was funny. However, since then I've had a little headache and have been a little spaced out. Oh well. It happens. Apparently it happens a lot to me.

Running on the treadmill wasn't the best idea this morning. I stopped after 4 miles and moved onto the elliptical, but got off that after 25 minutes because I was spacey, so I went and rode the bike for 40 minutes. That was my day. I burned a nice 630 calories at least!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Interview and a day with EJ

Today was a packed day. I woke up early and went into the city for my interview. The interview went well and now I have to do a 90 minute phone interview. Eh, still not really sure it's something I want to do. I'll go through the next step though.

After my interview I met up with
EJ. It was so great to see her. She looked great!! (Yes, EJ, you did!). We walked a bit in the steamy weather and then grabbed a bite to eat at this Persian restaurant. They have THE BEST hummus ever. EJ agreed with that one. I don't think the waitress liked us too much because we were a little complicated with our orders. Okay, she hated us! It was funny though. I ordered grilled veggies and they came with rice but you could substitute the rice with grilled veggies, so I did that. The waitress came back and said, "You want veggies with your veggies?" I was like "Yes, I do!" :) Ha!

After lunch we walked around a bit, grabbed some coffee, met up with another friend and then shopped a little. I bought these jeans that I tried on a few weeks ago but didn't get because I didn't think I should spend the money. Well, they were 50% off today so I got them, and I got 2 shirts for 10 bucks a piece. They were originally $69. Craziness. Then, I got my Tasti D'Lite for dinner!! YAY!

EJ and I parted ways. It was so great to see her and get to hang out again. We have great conversations!!

Getting home was a bitch. I took one train and then had to take another train to my town. Well, that one decided not to come for a freaking hour so I waited forever!! Ugh. Finally, I'm home!

So yesterday, I'm sitting in my kitchen and my parents had just finished eating lunch. My mom says to me,

"Have you lost weight?"
"No."
(Dad) "I noticed that you're legs looked smaller yesterday."
"I've gained weight."
(Mom) "No you haven't, I can tell in your face. It looks skinnier."

Thanks to an IM from Jen, I was saved from anymore conversations!

Oh, so I lost NO weight while I was gone today. I'm stuff F'n FAT!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

On the train again

I'm tired. I'm watching "The Closer" and then I'm going to bed. Well, after I call J.

I'm heading into NYC for my interview and then I'm hanging out with EJ. I can't wait to catch up with her. It's going to be a blast. She is so sweet and caring and has a bit of a feisty side in her, which you wouldn't expect. Last time we hung out I started feeling like crap and that stupid cold lasted about two weeks so tomorrow should be much better. :)

I'm still really fat and I don't feel like writing about it. I don't feel like talking about it with Charro when she comes back either. Hopefully I will have lost weight by the time I go back to see her. I'm working on it. I still don't know how I got so freaking fat.

Ugh, I can't write about it because I will get really pissed off and upset again. I just need to not eat and I will be fine. Unfortunately, I had to eat a real dinner tonight, but at least it was healthy; grilled chicken and broccoli.

I had a dream I was pregnant, probably because I look and feel like I am. I can assure you that I'm not. I'm just fat!

Um...okay

I just read the post I wrote the other night. I'm actually really tempted to take it down, not because that's not how I feel but because I don't want everyone in the world to see that. I look at it and think that's fucked up, so I can just imagine what you all are thinking.

Ughhhhh...

Maybe Charro was right. Maybe I am psychotic.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I am F'ing HUGE!

This is NOT going to be a good post, just a forewarning.

I am FUCKING HUGE!! I'm not eating tomorrow. I will eat my breakfast, go to the gym and then eat very minimal amounts throughout the day. I have to. I have managed to gain like 6 lbs in a week, 4 of that being today. How the fuck does that happen. I can't fucking deal. I know I drank a lot of water and I haven't peed a lot, so I must be retaining some, but still, WHAT THE FUCK!! I'm going to fucking starve myself and I don't care. If I eat frozen yogurt tomorrow, even if it's 3 fucking bites, I will fucking puke it up! I don't care. I want to puke now!! I so could puke now and should.

All I have to say is fuck fucking everything until I lose 10 fucking fat fucking pounds!! I am fucking going insane. I hate this shit. It fucking sucks and I'm going to fucking starve myself. I don't really care. I am going to do whatever the fuck it is that I have to do to lose 10 lbs. I can't fucking deal.

People try to tell me that I'll be happier if I gain weight and less obsessed. Fuck that. Not the case. I am more obsessed and more miserable. I don't fucking care if I don't eat for 6 days and pass out in the fucking gym. I really don't give two shits. Maybe if I took two shits I lose a fucking pound or two. I am losing my fucking mind. How the hell am I ever going to fall asleep? I am the size of a fucking blimp! I should swim laps in my pool for an hour tomorrow. Maybe I'll burn some calories in the freezing water. FUCK!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck!! I can't wait until tomorrow when I can start starving myself. I've got some fucking Hydroxycut in my draw that needs to be used up and there's no better time than now.

I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm going to find my stupid pills in my draw and try and go to bed so I can start fucking starving myself and doing whatever the hell it is that I have to do to lose 10 fucking pounds!

Hey, Charro would NOT think I was anorexic now. She'd sent me to a fucking fat farm!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Yeah, thanks Polly!

Okay, so I have been tagged for the second time today. This time Polly has gotten me. I am not happy about this, P-Dawg! Here is the list of 7 things I BELIEVE:

1.) I believe that I am a good person.
2.) I believe that everyone should watched the sunset over the ocean.
3.) I believe in God.
4.) I believe that the simple things in life are the best things in life.
5.) I believe that things happen for a reason.
6.) I believe that everyone should watch Seinfeld because it will make you crack up and laughing is so very important.
7.) I believe that good friends are one of the most important things in life. I believe my friends like me for who I am, and vice versa, regardless of my little "idiosyncrasies."

There it is!

And...just because I have to be me...I believe that I need to lose 6 pounds. ;)

Pizza?? Not really in the mood

I have NO plans this weekend and I'm already completely bored. My parents want to go out for pizza tonight. I told my mom I wasn't interested. Ironically enough, I had just written in my FFJ that I was hoping I wouldn't have to eat dinner tonight. Legitimately, I'm not in the mood for pizza. I do eat it, a lot actually. I get it without cheese. I just don't want it today. I'd like a salad please!

I would normally be on the train to NYC right now for my 4 PM appointment with Charro but she's away. :( I miss going to see her, though this is the first week I'm not going. I guess it's good. It gives me time to lose the 78 lbs I've gained this week. I won't get to see her again until July 13. That's so far away. I might need a full day of therapy by then. Not really. Nothing really happens other than me constantly freaking out about my weight. That's fun and never gets old!

I was woken up in the middle of the night by my cat puking. (maybe he can give me some tips. Kidding, of course). I will usually pop out of bed and stick a piece of paper under his face so he won't puke on my carpet, but I didn't feel like moving. Yum!

I need to go do something. I'm going insane here.

Now I'm "it"

I've been tagged once again by good ole Soledad. This gives me a few more minutes to procrastinate. :) Oh, Sole started this game herself, by the way.

Answer the following questions; There are rules....well 1 rule.....try to positive about yourself.

1) Favorite body part- my feet

2) Favorite NON physical quality?: Sense of humor/Personality

3) Place you would like to live?: New York City

4) Your dream job?: Country singer

5) Your dream job when you were a little kid?: Be on "Growing Pains," a singer, actress

6) Something you are really good at?: Sports

7) Something you wish you were really good at? Drawing/painting

8) Somethings you want to do before you die:? Get married and have a family. LIVE!

9) What has been your greatest accomplishment to date?: I don't know. Being an All-American athlete??

10) What are you doing right now?: Answering these questions and drinking decaf green tea.
what do you wish you were doing?: Getting a massage on a tropical island.

I guess I need to tag some peeps. FF, Jen and Polly...You're it!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

A toilet scale?

My parents are out and I'm here with nothing to do...and I'm loving it. J. is away until Sunday night. I have NO plans this weekend. NONE!! I love it. I will workout, layout and sleep. This is the first weekend that I've been home since April 20th. Crazy, huh? I've been in NYC every weekend, except for the 4 days I was away with J. It's actually weird that I have NOTHING to do. I was supposed to house/dog sit this weekend but they cancelled on me.

So, I found this on AOL yesterday. I SO need one.

Intelligence Toilet Body Fat Measurer

It's all part of the "Intelligence Toilet" package -- stand at the sink, grab two knobs, and a tiny electric charge travels through your hands to get an instant reading of your body fat. At your feet an electronic scale is part of the floor so you can weigh yourself while washing your hands.

I SO need that!!

So I'm 1 pound less than I was when I went to bad last night. That's a GOOD thing!! If I can keep doing that for a few days then I should be okay.

I've weighed myself more than I should have (again) today. I can't help it. It's something that I'm going to have to do until I get my weight back down. I know it's obsessive and it's not what I'm supposed to be doing, but it's still better than weighing myself a million times a day, like I was doing before.

I just watched the Tyra Banks show from yesterday. She went into an ED treatment center. It was a really good show. Tyra really annoys me lots of times, but sometimes I like her. This was one of the times that I liked her. In 15 minutes I need to find out about Kelly Clarkson's (6 month) battle with bulimia.

I feel like I should go do something productive.

People drive me insane

People, aka my sister and my mother are driving me completely insane. They're trying to talk to me right now but I'm not listening. My mom is still talking and I'm not listening. UGH. They're trying to tell me to just move to NYC and quit my job and live off my savings. Then they're telling to to buy a condo here. My response, "So I should buy something here and be miserable my whole life because I'm in the same fucking town I've lived in since the day I was born?" Um, no fucking thanks! It's boring here!! Fucking boring.

I just want people to leave me alone. I want to lose a million fucking pounds and I want to win the lotto so none of this shit matters anymore. (I'll still need to lose weight though.)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Dinner converstion

Here is the conversation that took place at the dinner table between my sister, my dad and myself...

S. How come you never eat anything?
D. What do you mean, she eats like a pig!
M. I just had a bunch of broccoli and some spaghetti.
S. You never eat a meal.
D. You're right! She doesn't. She just picks all day.
M. I don't like to eat meals!

Ha, Charro's gonna love that one, being the "grazer" that I am. Ha, I must go write that in my FFJ.

I ate dinner. Feel/AM fat and gross. I hate it. I need to NOT eat. I keep saying this. I do think I ate less today, which is good but I know I'm still going to weigh 3,000 pounds. I need to go weigh myself. I've already blown my weigh-in limit for the day so I might as well blow it some more. What the hell, right? If I'm going to fail, I might as well be a successful failure. :) Right?! Gotta love it!

I'm going rollerblading.

A job interview

I'm sitting here listening to some doctor's lecture online about eating disorders. He just said that an anorexic, a severely underweight one, needs to eat 4000 calories a day to gain two pounds a week. Wow, that's a lot of calories! I don't think I ever ate that many calories in one day, even when I was a kid.

Last night I sat on the computer trying to find some weight loss tips. Please, like I don't know them all already. I just don't know how to use them, I guess. I need to put them into action and get it done!

I just sent my resume in for a job at a gym in NYC. They just called and I have an interview on Tuesday morning, right before I meet up with EJ. I don't really care if I get the job or not, but the interviewing experience is always good. The big thing is that, if I got the job, I'd get a free gym membership at this amazing gym! That would be sweet!! The benefits would probably be pretty good too, and maybe they'd even cover the cost of Charro, which would be really good. Again, I'd have to get the job first though. I have no idea what the salary is either, but I bet it's not that great. However, I wouldn't have to pay for a gym membership!! :) Then of course, I'd have to find a place to live, which is NOT and easy task, as I know all too well. Hmm, I think I'm kind of getting excited about this. I'm not excited about having to wear "interview clothes" though.

I don't even know if this is a job I'd really like. It's mostly a commission based sales gig, which I'm not a big fan of because I'm not really big into sales. Not really something I enjoy doing, though I sort of do it now. That also means that the salary probably isn't that great.

The downside, I won't be able to workout on Tuesday morning. Big time bummer. Ugh! So EJ, you better have your walking shoes on!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I love issues

I'm having issues. Oh wait, I'm always having issues. It's getting old...really old. It's the same thing day in and day out. I'm fat and getting fatter and I can't deal with it. I really can't.

I keep saying the same things over and over again, both here and in my FFJ. Poor Charro has to read it over and over again. Maybe she just skims it, but she always leaves comments.

I don't know how I can change these thoughts. I definitely don't see it happening any time soon, especially not while she's away. All I want to do is lose weight so I don't see how any change is going to happen in the next three weeks. I want to weigh myself more than ever so I can control what I'm eating and how much I weigh. I know weighing myself doesn't control my weight per se, but it does kind of.

Seriously, I NEED to lose weight. I don't know what else I can possibly say about this.

Questions without answers

Will I ever stop hating the way I look? Will I ever get skinny? Why can't I just lose weight?

I saw my arms in the mirror at the gym today. Ew...HUGE! That's all I have to say. One would think I'd have some definition and tone to my arms from working out all the time. Um, not so much.

I've got three weeks to shed 5 lbs. It better happen, that's all I have to say. I need to be able to starve myself. Not really "starve," but not really eat. I need to workout more. I need to weigh less.

I'm sick of this stupid cycle, but I'm more sick of being fat.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Interesting meetings

Okay, so tonight was a little interesting. I had to go to a big town meeting and I made my parents go too. I'll spare the details because they don't really matter.

Anyway, I walked into the auditorium to find my parents sitting next to the mother of the anorexic daughter I coach. Brief history, I kind of befriended this girl and let her know I was around if she ever wanted to talk. I also touched base with her mother a few times to let her know of our (coaches) concern. So, I walked in and saw that and said hello to the mom and somehow introduced her to my parents because my dad was sitting right next to her and they were chatting a little. I could see her and my father begin a long conversation, which made me a little nervous. What if she brought up her daughter's eating disorder? What if she brought up the fact that I offered my assistance, etc?? Well, apparently she did, and meant it in a very nice way.

I got home a few minutes before my parents. When they got home my dad said, "We talked to your friend's mom for a while." Oh really? "Yeah, she said she was very gracious for what you did with her daughter." Yes, she had some problems so I told her if she ever wanted to talk that I was there for her. "Yeah, I guess she had an eating disorder." Yes.

I ended that conversation as quickly as possible, but not before my mom said "What did you do, tell her how you eat?" Great, not quite mom. I just didn't want them to bring anything up about MY eating. We don't need that, NOT while Charro is away!!

I'm hungry but I'm not going to eat anything because I have no idea what I weigh and I can't take any chances. I'll be weighing myself shortly.

Too many thoughts

I have so much stupid crap going through my mind. I don't even know where to begin. I've got these "experiments" that I am doing for Charro. (I guess there more for myself). I don't feel like doing them. I'm sick of doing things. I'm sick of writing in my FFJ. I'm sick of not being able to weigh myself when I want to. I'm supposed to not "skip" meals, but I really don't even care about that experiment. I should probably be trying harder but I really don't want to. I'm just sick of it.

Let's be honest here, I don't see Charro until July 13, that's just under 4 weeks from now. What do I want to accomplish by then? Not the goals she wants me to accomplish. I want to lose weight. Now, that's productive!! What the hell will that do for me?? I want to be skinny when I see her next. Why? It's not like I need to prove to her that I have an eating disorder? Maybe I need to prove it to myself. I don't really know. She obviously already thinks that I'm "sick" and "disordered" but I tend to disagree with that. I'm not saying that there's not something wrong with me, I can see that...sometimes. I just don't think it's that bad. I can look at myself (inner self) and realize that some of the things I do are "not right." I know that it sucks to be this way. I really do know that. I would like to be "normal." I would like to not have to worry about this crap all the time. That would be really nice.

I feel like I'm just ready to say "screw it" and weigh myself when I want to. I feel bad because I'm going to end up letting Charro down. I already know that the meal thing is not going to happen. I don't want it to happen and I'm very stubborn so it will be hard to change my mind on that. Charro even pointed out my "hard headedness." I will try to cut down on my weighing, even though I so don't want to. I just want to know what I weigh all the time so I can be in control of that situation. Ugh!

I had so many more thoughts but they went somewhere so when they come back I'll be back.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Can't weight

I think my right ear hurts.

I'm getting ready to go to bed because I'm exhausted. That means that I will be weighing myself in a few minutes, which I am not looking forward to. I'm so scared of what the number will be. I ate a ton at my sister's house, though it was mostly veggies and salad. I guess if the number is high it's probably due to the water in the veggies but I will still completely freak out. So, you'd think knowing that the number will piss me off I wouldn't go weigh myself. Apparently I like to torture myself and make myself feel like shit. Why? I don't know. Ugh, I'm nervous about weighing myself though. I think that it's actually counterproductive to not weigh myself. If I weigh myself then I know if I'm allowed to eat or not. If I don't weigh myself, I don't know therefore I just won't really eat (this is in the afternoon/evening hours). So, maybe not weighing myself will work in my favor and I'll lose weight because I won't be eating. Who knows. I'm sure I weight 7 thousand pounds right now though!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

My "TF"

I went out to dinner last night with my friend G. in NYC. We sat down and one table over from us was a woman who I thought was my "TF." (Therapy Friend. The woman who I see every Friday at 4 when I go see Charro. The one who likes to strike up conversations all the time with me. The one who said, "do you workout in a gym or run outside?") I started freaking out a little bit, not too bad. I seriously thought it was her, until I heard her voice. It would have been a little weird to sit right near someone that I see at therapy every week. I haven't seen her in two weeks though because I didn't go last week and I went at a different time yesterday. I won't see her again until July 13th! Jen will have the honor of getting to see her too, since she will be coming with me to my appointment that day. Yay!

So I'm home now, waiting for J. to stop by. My cat is rubbing against me and has his head on the keyboard. That's not really helpful.

I feel fat and gross right now. I'm not really sure why, but I do. I guess there's nothing I can do about it. Hopefully the number on the scale won't reflect how I feel. It was good when I got home from the city so I hope it's still "decent."

I didn't workout today, which stinks, but at least I walked around the city a lot with my backpack on my back. (I need a massage, J.) I only ended up walking about 3.5 miles, 70 blocks sounds so much more impressive.

I walked around the street fair on 2nd Ave in the Lower East Side. I bought a little bag for 10 bucks. I love those stupid street fairs. I'm obsessed with bags too, it's a problem. Good thing they didn't have chapstick there, then I'd really have a problem.

Um, J. needs to get here soon because I need to go to bed soon. I need to teach in the morning and I woke up at 6 this morning for some unknown reason. Oh well.

Tomorrow we are going to my sister's house to celebrate father's day. That means FOOD!! That was not an "I'm really excited about FOOD" capitalization, that was a "I don't want to be around FOOD" capitalization. I'll do my best to avoid it as much as possible, though I'm sure I'll end up eating more than I want to or should. Ugh!! So much for "not skipping meals."

Friday, June 15, 2007

Intensity

"Intensity," a word I'd hear from my basketball coach during practice in high school.

"Intense," the word I'd use to describe my appointment with Charro today. I don't really know where to begin and I'm not really sure I feel like writing about it right now. I'm still trying to let things marinate into my brain and figure things out. That might take a long, long time.

We talked about my parents finding my blog post back in November. She said how I was "sick" and "in treatment," two things I really didn't care to hear. I responded with "I am not sick." I'm not sick. She also said that I am "underweight" which I am so not either.

There's 8 million more things that happened but I don't feel like writing now. Maybe tomorrow when I get home. The goals she wants me to do for the next few weeks while she's away suck. As she put it, "It's a good time to experiment since we won't see each other for a few weeks." Um, not really. She wants me to weigh myself less, eventually getting to one time a day by week three (yeah right), and she wants me to NOT skip meals. Okay, like that is really going to happen. A grape is now going to be considered a meal in my book. How the hell am I supposed to LOSE weight if I'm eating?? Please, someone give me an answer to that one.

Okay, I'm done for now but I may be back.

Off to Charro...

Be back tomorrow.

(that rhymes).

P.S. I think my weight is somewhat back to normal, but not good enough yet!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

F'n fat!

UGH!!! I just got on the scale and it's the highest it's been in a long time. I'm fucking losing it and freaking out. What the fuck is this all about? I don't fucking get it. I ran fucking 12 miles this morning and I managed to gain 2 pounds. Someone please tell me how that happens. I can't fucking deal with this. I hate it. I am never eating again. I just don't understand. What is the problem here? Why I am getting fatter? I cannot fucking deal!! I so just want to throw up right now because I'm so disgusted with myself. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!???? I'm never fucking eating again. I don't care. I just don't get it. I guess I better learn to deal with fucking hunger and growling stomachs and get over it!!

And I run, why?

My body is shot right now. I just got back from a 12 mile run. I don't really know why I do it because I don't enjoy running and it kind of hurts my body a little. Too top it off, I only burned 700 calories. Hello...do I have a metabolism?? 12 miles and 700 cals doesn't quite work out that well, and we were running at a good pace and against the wind at some points.

So, the joint or bone or something of my big toe hurts, but it has for a year so whatever. I just hit my hip on the corner of the kitchen counter because I clearly didn't know it was there. I've only lived in this house for 29 years. I don't know how that counter got in my way! ;) My legs are shot and I think my back my be sore but I'm not sure yet, it was while I was running.

My friend M. and I saw hi to everyone we pass. Today, this one man was walking right by us, we said "good morning" and got absolutely NOTHING from him. I turned around and gave him the closed fist hand clap, you know the one from "Friends" that Ross always did? :) It was kind of funny.

Now I'm sitting here drinking my decaf green tea. It's freezing out. I have to go into the office but want to eat before I go because I know the moment I get there I will be starving, but I'm not hungry now. I hate that. I have an egg white omelet that I made the other night that I need to finish.

I need to shed some pounds today. Today is the day to get it started. No more fooling around!! I've got goals that I need to meet.

I just got an "unknown" call on my cell and I didn't answer. I don't think they left a message. I hate that, well unless it was the wrong number.

I guess I should get my butt in gear. Speaking of, funny story... (ahh, a message. My friend T. in Nashville). Yesterday Charro called me to tell me what time we're meeting tomorrow. I told her what time my train gets in and that I may be a few minutes later but that I'd "hustle my butt there." Her response, "Don't hustle. Walk!!" Ha!!

Okay, gotta run.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Stream of thoughts

It's 10:16 PM. I'm starving but I won't let myself eat anything because I'm going to bed. I know that I should eat so my body doesn't go into starvation mode while I'm sleeping, but my mind tells me not to eat because I have to weigh myself in a few minutes. The number was not good before and eating sure as hell won't help it. On the other hand, I'm running (hopefully) 12 miles tomorrow morning. Not that I haven't eaten today so I've definitely stored up enough energy to get me through it, especially since my workout this morning stunk. I've eaten enough to keep me going for a while.

I'm going to bed. I will pee, weigh myself, brush my teeth, floss, wash my face and swish with my crest. I'm sure I'll pick at my face a little too. I'll probably have to write in my FFJ because I will be unhappy with the number on the scale. Let's hope that's not the case though.

What's going on?

I've been getting on the scale more again these days. I'm not really sure what that's about. Ever since I got home from the trip with J. I've been on the scale more. I talked about that a little with Charro last night but we didn't really come up with anything. My thought is that now that I have "Bertha" back, I want to get on her more. She still wants me to bring "Bertha" to her office so she can "take care of her" for me. What is this a Soprano's episode?

I have "evidence" from those four days that I can eat somewhat normally and not gain weight, but it's not enough evidence. I still can't trust it. I hate eating meals. I freak out for the most part, even if it's a small, healthy meal. I just feel like I've eaten too much because I have this huge plate of food in front of me and I'm used to just picking at things throughout the day. I don't like having to sit down and eat a meal. I get anxious, especially after eating because I feel like I've eaten too much and I feel fat and uncomfortable. I start shaking my leg to release some of that angst.

I've just eaten so much and know that I've gained weight. I ate a big lunch thinking with the thought that I won't eat dinner because of my big lunch. Let's hope that works.

I was just in my car and saw my legs and how big they are. It grossed me out. Reminded me so much of Ethan Lipton's song, "I Like Your Thighs." I was going to stick the link in here but it seems that he's taken the song down. Oh well.

Big kneecaps

J. told me that I have the biggest kneecaps he's ever seen. Um, ok. I was like, "What does that mean?" He said it was good and that it will help protect me from injury. Um, ok. So, I'm fine with that. I don't care that I have big kneecaps. It's all good.

I had a phone appointment with Charro last night. She resembles Kyra Sedwick. I thought I had nothing to talk about but ended up talking a lot, which is unusual because I usually let her do all the talking. There was that one looong dead silence, but whatever. I don't really remember everything we discussed, but I do remember her saying that I can keep working out for 90 minutes to two hours (she had tried to cut me down to 75 minutes) if I eat more. Um, so the working out part is good. I'm cool with that. I'm not sure how I feel about the eating more. Actually, I do know how I feel. I don't want to do it because I still want to lose weight. I won't worry about that yet. We'll see what happens.

I only worked out for 70 minutes today. My body was tired and I don't know why because it's not like I did much over the weekend. Ugh. I was supposed to teach this morning but no one showed up. I was psyched about that because I didn't feel like teaching. I still get paid too, which is nice. My workout sucked but I will get over it. I might not be able to workout on Friday, which is starting to freak me out a little. I have to go to NY for an appt. with Charro. I won't see her for 4 weeks because she's going away. If I have to get there early, then I won't be able to workout, unless I wake up at 5 AM, which I don't really want to do, but I could sleep on the train so I guess I could do that. Hmmm, something to think about.

I'm totally talking about nothing now so I will stop.

Oh, J. said this to me last night.

"I think the gym is your safety net, the place you go to when you don't know what to do."

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

A poem for the "Feisty One"

I just ate pizza
and now I feel sick.
J. would really like me
To go and suck his dick.

I made the pizza myself.
I'm such a little chef.
The sauce was on the shelf.
My boyfriend is (Hugh) Heff.

You are the feisty one.
You get a little crazy.
But you're so much fun.
No one would call you lazy.

You have a little boy
A baby on the way.
Stock up on the toys.
So they can go and play.

You wear crotchless panties.
Oh wait, no that's me.
It really makes it easy,
when I have to pee.

You kicked the bulimic habit.
Isn't that so great?
No one should have it
And think about their weight.

One time I had negative two bites.
Eh, it's nothing big.
I definitely have the right
It was water I had to swig.

You make me laugh so hard
I almost pee my pants.
Good thing you're in Canada
And not in Paris, France.

I am really thirsty,
But don't want to get up.
I wish I had a hot man
To come and fill my cup.

I think I will end this now.
I have no more to say.
Charro says I graze like a cow.
At least I don't eat hay!


All of the above statements are true, minus the Heff part.

Seven things about me

Yes, I too have been tagged by Soledad. I don't 7 things about me. I'm going to have to think hard about this one.

1. At the ripe ole age of 29, I've never been in love. Pathetic, I know.

2. I was a two time All-American field hockey player in college and only went to grad school so I could play field hockey and lax (lacrosse) and ice hockey for another year. I had another year of athletic eligibility left because I transferred schools.

3. I've only gone to the gyno once because it was a traumatic experience and I never want to go back, though I know that I have to.

4. I tried to break my hand when I worked at the tv station because I hated it so much and figured if I broke my hand I wouldn't have to go to work because I wouldn't be able to write the news. I wouldn't be able to type. I liked writing the news, just hated everything else about the place. I tried squishing my hand in the large tape vault room and throwing a field hockey ball at it. Messed up, I know.

5. I sang with Martina McBride on stage!! My idol!! It was THE BEST night of my life.

6. I can wave with my second toe on my right foot.

7. I've never had a full glass of any alcohol in my life. (Had a sip or two.) Never been drunk. Never done drugs and never smoked a cigarette.

That was THE MOST PATHETIC list ever. I really can't think of anything good. Sorry guys. I guess I have to tag someone so I will tag, Jen, Polly (when you're feeling better) and EJ.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Maybe I do

Okay, so maybe I do have an eating disorder. I was reading this and realized that I am/have/do a lot of these things. Oh well.

So, I was at the store tonight talking to the cashier about capri pants and how they are normal length on me. I went on to say how I can wear kids clothes and she said, "You're not that petite." I was like "I'm only 5 feet." She was like "Still, you're not that small." Um, thanks but I think I know what kind of clothes I can fit into.

We went to Ben and Jerry's two nights that I was away. Neither J. or I got anything but J's dad looked at me and said, "What are you getting, Fats?" I said nothing. I thought it was pretty funny and knew he was kidding. I later told J. and he was like "You know he was kidding, right?" I was like, "Yes J, I do know he was kidding. Don't worry." Poor J., he thinks I'm going to get a complex or have some sort of body image issue. Ha!

A little of my trip

Okay, I'm back...kind of. I'm here physically but I'm pretty much asleep. I was exhausted from my 4 days away and then I had to get up at 4:45 this morning to teach aerobics. Now that's always fun. People shouldn't be up at that hour unless they're going on vacation to a nice tropical island. I worked out for two hours and am going to play field hockey tonight. I can NOT wait for that. I LOVE FH!!

So, my trip...It was okay. It wasn't as miserable as I thought it would be. I can't really say that I had fun, per se, but it wasn't too bad. I ate more than I wanted to. J. was "so proud" of me for eating the way I did. I was uncomfortable and he knew it. We talked a bit about stuff Thursday night while laying in bed. It was easier to have a serious conversation with him because it was completely dark in there so I didn't have to look at him. The good news is that I didn't gain any weight. (Hold your "I told you so's, people":)

We went for two long rides on the bike. Saw Lake Champlain and some nice scenery, as you can see from the pics below. I can't really say I enjoyed it but I was kind of just there, on the back of the bike. There's nothing to do when you're riding but think, so that's what I did...for like 4 or 5 hours at a time. Okay, ENOUGH thinking already. I did start singing RENT for a while because no one could hear me, then I went back to thinking. No wonder why I'm so tired. ;)

Okay, I totally just blanked out because I'm falling asleep.

I made it home in time yesterday to get to the gym for 40 minutes. I love the people that get to the gym 30 minutes before it closes to go workout. Um, okay. Granted I got there 40 minutes before it closed but I had no choice. I know that these people have been sitting around all day and at 2 pm they're like hmm, maybe I'll go to the gym at 2:30 and workout for 30 minutes. I guess it's better than nothing, but for the obsessive person like me, it's not even worth it. J. was telling me to "fight" going to the gym and just not go. I said "I don't feel like fighting it. I'm going to the gym!!" So I did.

Okay, I'm done writing now.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Yeah, I'm home!

I'm back from my four days in the mountains. I was in the middle of nowhere but it was pretty. I'm so much more of a beach and palm tree person though, but it was nice.

So, I don't really feel like writing right now so I will post a few pics and maybe write later.











Wednesday, June 06, 2007

A stressful "vacation" ahead?

Ugh...I'm dreading this trip to Lake George. I have to be at J's house at 9 AM so we can go. We have to go pick up his parents and hit the road. They were originally going to ride up on their motorcycle but now they're coming with us. That means 5 hours of small talk with the parents, or mom and me in the back seat of J's truck. Help me now! I really just want to cry. Actually, I really just don't want to go. The sole reason I'm going is for J. God I hope I can be a good person the whole time and not be miserable. If I am, I won't show it because the last thing I want is for him to be unhappy. It's his trip and he needs to enjoy it. Let's just hope I don't have to spend too much time on the bike and stuff.

I'm stressing out about the food and the lack of working out. I'm also stressing out about not having my scale for 4 days. Mainly I'm stressing out about having to be up there for 4 days with him and his parents in close quarters. I NEED SOME PRIVACY PEOPLE!! Where am I going to get it. I need alone time. I'll need time, boy will I need time, to write in my FFJ. If I have the ability to write I bet I fill that whole thing up. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will. I was trying to think positively about the whole thing but tonight I starting freaking and now I can't think positively. It supposed to be beautiful up there and the weather is going to be nice. What more can I ask for??

I'm bringing my laptop but I don't think I'll have Internet. Ugh. That is going to throw me over the edge too. No scale and no Internet!!!?? HELP ME NOW!!

Ugh, I need to go to bed so I can workout before this long ass car ride. :(

If I'm lucky I will find some WIFI somewhere and be back. :( Bye for now :(

Classic!

I went up to take a shower this morning and I have a little routine. I pee, weigh myself (usually) and hop in the shower. Well, as of late I've cut out the weighing myself before getting in the shower, sometimes. Anyway, I peed and the next thing I knew I was on the scale. I didn't even realize I was on there or how I got on there. I was like "Ah, how did I get on here?" I quickly hopped off the scale before the number popped up. I had to laugh about this. Can we say HABIT much?? Ha!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

How upsetting...

I've been spelling "Charro" incorrectly this whole time. It's spelled CHARO, with ONE "R". I think I need some therapy for this. I'm very upset. Jen says we should keep it with TWO "R's" because she's a different "Charro" anyway. Now I feel better. I haven't regressed now and my progress (see post below) is still progress, I guess. I didn't come up with the name because of "Charo" anyway. It was just the first thing that popped into my head.

Progress??

Okay, so I think I might be making a little progress with Charro, but first let me talk about other things...

I'm in my post therapy mood where I just want to be alone to think about things. I really want to weigh myself too, so I might have to give in to that urge and just do it. Who's it going to hurt?? No one really, except for Bertha because I will be stepping on her! I'm scared to weigh myself though. I ate a lot today, though according to Charro I was "grazing" again. I did eat lunch, though it was at 10 AM.

I'm trying to avoid meals more and more, which is difficult to do now that my parents are home. I don't know why I'm doing this. Well, yes I do. I want to lose weight and clearly I won't be able to do that if I eat. This trip with J. and his parents should be interesting because I'm sure he'll be all over me to eat and I'll have to eat meals all the time. Yuck!


Now onto my possible progress with Charro. She mentioned how I use the ED to keep from thinking about other things, other things going on in my life. Hmm, I think she might be onto something there. I said to her, "what would I think about if I didn't think about this stuff?" and she said "that's my point. What are you avoiding?" Hmm, interesting. I think you're on to something there, Charro. Cha Cha Cha!! (though Charro on Love Boat always said Coochi, Coochi Coo, or something like that). So yeah, I think we might have made a little progress there.

I spoke to her while laying on the beach, albiet a crappy one, in my bikini until the wind became too much and I had to move into my car. Having the "session" in person is definitely better than over the phone. She can't see my squirm, stress, make funny faces or put my chapstick on a million times, which is a good thing, but it's definitely better in person. She apparently knows me well enough to pick up on my tone though. I said, 'Uh huh" in a funny tone and then said, "And that's where you would have seen me make a face." She was like "I know, I could tell by the 'Uh huh.'"

So, she asked me if I'd be willing to agree on picking a number and staying at it. I knew a "Would you be willing was coming up" because she was like, "Would you be (long pause. I almost said "willing" b/c I knew it was coming) willing to pick a weight and stay at it?" I said "Sure, you just don't want to know what the number is that I'd pick." She said, "We'll talk about that when I see you next Friday." I said, "Just out of curiosity, what number would you pick?" She was like, "102, but I'd be willing to compromise and say 100." Yeah, I didn't go for that one too much but we're not going there yet anyway.

So that was my beach appointment with Charro. I told her that I was going to wear my bikini to office next time. Her response, "My suite mates would love that." I said, "So would my TF." HA!!

I definitely didn't talk enough. I didn't really have anything to say though. At one point she goes, "Talk." I was like, "I don't know what to say. What do you want me to talk about?"

So that was it. J. called me in the middle of our chat and wanted me to bring him a pizza! I did not answer his call, needless to say, but I did bring him a pizza! :)

Golden Grahams


I really like Golden Grahams cereal. I haven't had it in such a long time but I do know that I really like it. Maybe some day I will eat it again. I remember that I liked when it got all soggy in my milk. Yummy.

That had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I just thought about Golden Grahams.

I have a phone "session" with Charro this afternoon. I plan on doing it from the beach, if the weather and cell phone service cooperates. We have a severe T-storm watch right now and I'm not sure what service is like on the beach anyway. I remember it not being too good. I can't do it from my house though because my parents are here. If only they came back from Florida today. (They got back yesterday). Maybe I should do it right on my couch and invite my parents to join in. Ha, I could even put Charro on speaker and we could have a family session!! That would the day!! HA!!! Never!! They don't even know about Charro.

My cat is sleeping and looks so cute. I have no motivation to do any work and that's bad.

It's getting cloudy out :(. How can I tell Charro that I don't have an ED because I'm laying on the beach in my bikini?? I can't say, "people with EDs don't wear bikinis so I'm fine!" :)

I ate lunch just after 10 this morning. That's not acceptable in some peoples' eyes, oh well. :) I was hungry and I ate and now it's past lunchtime and I'm not hungry so I won't eat. That's the way it works around her for me.

Okay, I guess I should do something since I have nothing exciting to say.

Monday, June 04, 2007

12 years later

It's a rainy Monday. What do "The Carpenters" say, "rainy days and Monday's always get me down." So, what does that mean when it rains on Monday?? Eh, nothing much I guess!!

So my friend whom I haven't seen or talked to in 12 years came to visit me this weekend. I thought it would be really weird, and it wasn't all that bad. We played field hockey against each other in high school. I guess the big thing that our friendship was based on was the fact that we were big time ED buddies. Partners in crime!

She ended up pretty bad at one point, but was never hospitalized. She had a baby last year, a beautiful little girl, but has permanent kidney damage, bone damage and had several miscarriages before being able to give birth to her healthy daughter. She's still obsessive and suffering with stuff, (she has 5 scales in her house!! I can't wait to visit her!!!) but is doing better.

We talked a lot about our eds and stuff. She asked me why I think I developed this problem. I told her that I have no idea, which I don't. I really don't. Her family life completely sucked so that's why she developed an ed. She was big in the avoidance department too and did as much as she could to stay away from her house.

We had a good time and it was nice to catch up with her.

Now onto J. He came over last night and asked a lot about my appointment with Charro. He's very curious as to what we talk about, and I'm very hush hush about it. I give him very little details because it's really none of his business. He asked if he could read my FFJ and I said "NO!!!" He wanted to know why and I told him it is private. Um, hello...you're so not reading that!!!" He told me again that he is worried about me. I keep trying to tell him that there's nothing to worry about. I'm fine. I really am.

So, that was that. My weekend in a nutshell. Now I have to get motivated to do some sort of work. That would be nice, huh?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

"Session" (Hate the word) # (I've lost track)

Okay, I can finally write about my lovely session with Charro on Friday. Let's just say that I didn't want to be there, it was too nice out and I didn't have anything to talk about. I got there and it was the usual "how was your week?" question. I was like, "Okay. Well, kind of rough I guess." Then we got into that. She was like, "You did sound like you were in a panic." So, we chatted about that. I probably didn't talk as much as I should have. I was like, "I filled up my FFJ so you're going to love reading that." (Not the FFJ Jen sent me. I have a few b/c Charro and I alternate so she keeps one and I have one to write with.) She said, "Why don't you tell me about what you wrote." I was like, "No, I don't like to talk." She told me that I am distancing myself by writing and not talking. Oh well, maybe I should bury my head in a pillow next time so I can talk better.

So basically, what came out of the "session" was that I "need to eat more," I "need to workout less," and I "need to not weigh myself." Clearly, I can NOT eat more and I definitely can't eat more if she wants me workout less. NOT happening. I can't do it. Maybe I just don't want it bad enough. Staying this way is so much easier.

The thing that kind of freaked me out was when Charro told me that she "worries" about me. That kind of took me by surprise. The fact that she worries about me must mean that there's something wrong with me, and that's weird to me. I just don't see it. I don't get it at all. I guess it's kind of scary to hear from the professional. Weird.

So, that was my day with Charro. I'll write about my weekend in a bit.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Still to come

So much to say but it will have to wait until later, maybe before bed.

Friday, June 01, 2007

NYC again...and an out of town guest

It sounds like there's a plane crashing in my backyard. That can't be good.

I'm off to NYC again today. This commute is starting to suck a bit and I don't feel like going in today. I don't have anything to talk about with Charro and the weather is too nice to sit my ass in a car and on a train all day. Yuckers! Oh well. I just want to lay in my pool all day, because really, who needs to work? Ha!!

My weight is back to normal...Thank God! I can't be stressing out over that anymore. That sucks. Now I just need to make sure it doesn't go up. I'm fine if it goes down, I have no problems with that, there just can't be any increase.

I don't feel like writing anymore so I'm not going to. Oh, I have a friend coming into town tomorrow and I we haven't seen each other since high school. We played field hockey against each other. She was a goalie and I was a forward so I scored on her!! :) It should be interesting. We both hung out and took part in our "behaviors" together. Now, she's better and thinks I am, because I told her I was, but I'm afraid she's going to see past that one this weekend. Plus, what the heck are we going to talk about? We haven't talked in 10 years and it's not like we were close friends. Weird.

Okay, done!