Okay, so I'm shaking because Charro just called me to tell me that she could see me on Friday in the office, rather than talking over the phone. I don't know why I get all shaky after she calls. I mean, it was understandable that I was shaking like crazy after the first time that I talked to her on the phone but it makes no sense for me to be shaking now. I don't shake when I'm in the office with her. Weird! Whatever.
(Okay, so I know why I was shaking. I felt guilty for "all" the working out I did and the fact that I was going running still. I figured this out today, Tuesday and decided to add that side note in).
I actually just got an email from her too, unrelated to the phone conversation and now I feel guilty for working out for 2 hours today. Oh, let's not forget to mention the fact that I'm going running with J. in a little bit. He asked me if I would go for a little run with him and I couldn't say no because he'd take it personally. Seriously, is it really a big deal if I go for a run with him? I'm not doing it because of anxiety or eating reasons, I'm doing it to spend time with him.
Back to Charro's email. Now I really feel like a failure. Like I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not allowing myself to "sit with my feelings." I really don't have any feelings. I just feel like working out. It gives me something to do. It keeps me occupied and the nicer it gets outside the more I'll want to do out there. Sometimes I do have feelings that drive me to workout, but that's not always the case. I don't see why there always has to be a reason behind something. I don't always have feelings before and after I eat either. I'm usually hungry if I eat and if I'm not I won't eat, unless I have to because of who I'm with. Many times I do feel uncomfortable after eating, but I've been fine lately. I don't know what feelings to write down for my FFJ. I really don't have any most of the time. I get up and eat breakfast because I'm hungry and then I go to the gym. There's not thoughts or feelings involved there, I just do it. I don't know, I just feel like I'm failing at both of these assignments. I'm trying to dig deep and find some sort of feeling but I haven't had any yet. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.
Maybe I shouldn't have decided to go into her office on Friday and see her. Maybe I should have just done this over the phone so I don't have to sit there and be like, yeah...I sucked at everything and failed at what you asked me to do. Really, that's just great. She's not going to want to work with me anymore. She'll be like, you didn't even try. Not that I really think she'd say that to me in those words, but who knows. AHHHH!
I don't know, maybe I should just give up.