Monday, April 30, 2007

Shake, shake, shake

(shake you're booty)

Okay, so I'm shaking because Charro just called me to tell me that she could see me on Friday in the office, rather than talking over the phone. I don't know why I get all shaky after she calls. I mean, it was understandable that I was shaking like crazy after the first time that I talked to her on the phone but it makes no sense for me to be shaking now. I don't shake when I'm in the office with her. Weird! Whatever.

(Okay, so I know why I was shaking. I felt guilty for "all" the working out I did and the fact that I was going running still. I figured this out today, Tuesday and decided to add that side note in).


I actually just got an email from her too, unrelated to the phone conversation and now I feel guilty for working out for 2 hours today. Oh, let's not forget to mention the fact that I'm going running with J. in a little bit. He asked me if I would go for a little run with him and I couldn't say no because he'd take it personally. Seriously, is it really a big deal if I go for a run with him? I'm not doing it because of anxiety or eating reasons, I'm doing it to spend time with him.

Back to Charro's email. Now I really feel like a failure. Like I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not allowing myself to "sit with my feelings." I really don't have any feelings. I just feel like working out. It gives me something to do. It keeps me occupied and the nicer it gets outside the more I'll want to do out there. Sometimes I do have feelings that drive me to workout, but that's not always the case. I don't see why there always has to be a reason behind something. I don't always have feelings before and after I eat either. I'm usually hungry if I eat and if I'm not I won't eat, unless I have to because of who I'm with. Many times I do feel uncomfortable after eating, but I've been fine lately. I don't know what feelings to write down for my FFJ. I really don't have any most of the time. I get up and eat breakfast because I'm hungry and then I go to the gym. There's not thoughts or feelings involved there, I just do it. I don't know, I just feel like I'm failing at both of these assignments. I'm trying to dig deep and find some sort of feeling but I haven't had any yet. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.

Maybe I shouldn't have decided to go into her office on Friday and see her. Maybe I should have just done this over the phone so I don't have to sit there and be like, yeah...I sucked at everything and failed at what you asked me to do. Really, that's just great. She's not going to want to work with me anymore. She'll be like, you didn't even try. Not that I really think she'd say that to me in those words, but who knows. AHHHH!

I don't know, maybe I should just give up.

2 hours later... (Edited)

Okay, so I did some thinking while I was in the shower. I always think while I'm getting clean. What's that about?? Hmm, I guess if I'm not singing I'm thinking. Maybe I should stick to the singing.

Anyway, I guess there is a possibility that I have a little bit of a workout "problem." After thinking about it, I realized that I wouldn't have been able to have left the gym today after just 75 minutes, UNLESS my boss was there and I had to get to work. When he's not there I have free range to stay as long as I want and I can't leave after just 75 minutes. It's not enough for me. I'm not satisfied with it. I need more. I just need to move.

---------------------Old portion-----------------

So much for the time limit. I worked out for 2 hours today. It was a good workout too. I even lifted, which I never have time to do unless I go back to the gym at night, which I may have to start doing again to get it done.


There wasn't any reason for me working out for 2 hours other than the fact that I wanted to and I had the time. I just don't feel like 75 minutes is enough time for me. I was feeling good and I wanted to keep going. It's not like I woke up feeling fat and feeling the need to workout, I just really wanted to be there. Okay, I didn't get to workout long enough yesterday so maybe that had something to do with it, I don't really know. I just know that I feel good now. I also know that I have to take a shower and do some work.

I guess you can say that I "failed" at my assignment. I can't help it. When I have the time I just want to keep going. I'll stop if I'm dying but if not I'll keep trucking away. If one of my friends is next to me then I will go even longer, just to chat. The extra calorie burn that comes along with it is just an added bonus.

Okay, I really need to shower. I'll probably be back later.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

"PTT for PTC"

This is the title that Jen came up with yesterday that I couldn't remember. Well, last night in my sleep it came back to me so here it is.

Jen and I both decided that I need "PTT," Post Therapy Therapy. Yes, it's true, the girl that was so afraid of going to therapy...actually, the girl who can't even say the word, feels as though she needs more of it. Yes, I know, it's crazy.

I left Charro's office on Friday and I felt like I needed more therapy, not because of her (well I guess it is because she's the one that made me think) but because I start thinking so much after seeing her. Okay, Friday was a little different because I was completely freaking out after too. It was not pretty. I actually said to my friend G. (the one who found Charro for me) that I need therapy after therapy. It's so true. I really do need to see Charro like three times a week. I'm not even joking about that. It's not because I'm "bad" but because she makes me think about so many things and then I have questions, etc. It's like, ugh I have to wait a whole week before I can talk to her about all this stuff. Okay, I still get nervous when I have to go there. I knew this past time would be tough because I knew what she wanted to talk about and I didn't want to talk. When do I ever want to talk? Then there was the whole exercise thing, which I've talked about a million times already.

With that said, I'm going to end up working out longer than I'm supposed to tomorrow. I have too. I didn't get to workout long enough today so I need to workout for a while tomorrow. I can't do this time limit thing. Working out is such a social thing for me too. All my friends are there so I get to chat while I workout. I know I'm there mainly to burn calories but I do get a lot of social interaction there as well.

I'm going to get my butt into bed early tonight so I can wake up early and get a good workout in!

The power blows!

I was on the treadmill at the gym this morning. Thankfully I had JUST finished my run and had JUST brought the speed on the treadmill because the power went out. Granted, it only went out for a second but had it gone out when I was running full speed it might not have been a pretty site. I think I probably would have gone flying somewhere. That would have left a mark.

I don't really have anything else to say. J. wants me to go over tonight but I'm too tired so I'm going to suggest rollerblading tomorrow when he gets off work. Sounds like a plan to me. We'll see. I know he'll be really disappointed but he needs to get over it. I guess I should go call him now.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Therapy...day 4

I'm back from NYC and getting ready to head to bed. It was kind of crazy last 24 hours. I had my appointment Charro yesterday. The appointment itself went well, it's just the things that I have to do now that aren't sitting too well with me. Okay, that's an understatement.

So, I guess we (me unwilling) decided that I will TRY and cut back on my workouts a little. I am supposed to only workout for 75 minutes. I also have to keep an "FFJ" (food and feelings journal) as Jen calls it. Great!


Okay, so the working out thing it what's really stressing me out. Beyond belief it is stressing me out. It didn't seem all that bad when I was talking with Charro about it, but I left there and started to absorb what we had talked about and it started to sink in that there are restrictions being put on my workouts and I started freaking out. I can't do it. Granted, there are days when I can't workout more than 75 minutes, but when I have the time you bet I am there longer. The 75 minutes only includes "gym time," not any other outside activities such as rollerblading, walking, etc. Those don't count. Well, maybe they're supposed to but they don't in my book.

I can't remember ever stressing out so badly about something. It's just making me very anxious and putting me in a weird mood. I was weird all last night and all day today. I guess the best way to describe it would be stressed, I don't really know. I just wasn't very chatty or joyful.

I honestly don't think I can do it. I guess we'll see what happens.


I heard the word "commitment" a lot from Charro yesterday. I'm afraid if I can't do this, aka fail, then she won't work with me. I'll be "fired." I really like her and I don't want to waste her time. I should probably be talking to her, and would like to be talking to her more than once a week but I don't even know how I am going to keep doing once a week, unless I win powerball. Ugh. I don't want to have to "quit."

Anyway, I need to go to bed because I have limited time at the gym tomorrow. I actually only have 75 minutes to workout because I have to go to a dedication for my Grandma at her church and I am getting to the gym right when it opens at 7 AM. Blah.


Tomorrow I'll be around a ton of food, which I completely hate. Whatever. I'll live...I guess.

PS. Jen gave me a title for this post but I can't remember what it was.

Friday, April 27, 2007

I don't even know...

Ugh...That's really all I can say right now. (Well, at least until I get off the phone). Okay, I 'm off the phone and completely exhausted to the point where I can't even keep my eyes open. Sucks that I still have to brush my teeth and stuff.

Okay, so big things that came out of therapy today: me having to cut down on my workouts and me keeping a food journal. Okay, the food journal isn't a big deal however I think writing everything down will make me eat less. It's the working out thing that is really bothering me. Like seriously, it's totally freaking me out. I can't do it. Charro wants me to workout no more than 75 minutes a day. I can't do it. It didn't seem all that bad when she and I were discussing it but now it's completely throwing me over the edge. I really don't think I can do it. I can't even think about it right now because it's starting to freak me out more.

I just need to try and get some sleep. Maybe, if I have time, I will blog before apartment hunting and the Central Park run.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Finally...a good workout

I finally was pretty satisfied with my workout this morning. I woke up and thought to myself, I'm going to run and workout hard and I don't care how my body feels because I'm going to do it anyway! I need to do it! I did it!! I ran 8 miles and then rode the bike for 40 minutes. So, I did 1:45 minutes of cardio and then lifted and stretched. I burned 700 calories so it's a good day so far!!

I need to get my weight down. I had my Fiber One for breakfast but bypassed the peanut butter. I've gained almost 2 pounds since I've been home and it needs to go away. It's funny how I was psyched when I hit 100, more psyched when I hit 99, then when I hit 98...oh baby, then there was 97.6 lbs, which I've only seen once and that was when I got back from Nashville. Now I'm back in the 99's. I need to at least get back down to 98. 99 is too close to 100 and that scares me. It's funny how before that number was good and now it's not.

So, I'm trying not to eat too much today. I had a protein shake when I got home from the gym and a few pretzels and I'm still hungry. I need to not be hungry. I'm drinking my tea but it's not helping any. Blah!! Why do I have to be hungry??

On another note, I went to bed at 12:30 AM (way too late for me) and woke up at 5:15 AM, too early. What's up with that? I'm going to crash later.

I guess I should do some work. I need to hit up the grocery store later so I can make a dessert to bring to my friend G. tomorrow. (oh yeah, I'm going to NY tomorrow. I guess I can write about that now too.)

I'm going to NY tomorrow for my appt. with Charro. (My cat is sleeping on my lap in between my stomach and keyboard. It makes typing difficult but she's purring and happy. She's laying on my left arm and my right arm is over her. Now her foot is on the computer). Should be an interesting appt. Ya...

Saturday we'll run in the park and hang out and hopefully find me a place to live!!! That's the goal!! Then I will come home and make a dessert for a family thing on Sunday. I have to see J. too. So much to do so little time.

That's all for now. Maybe I'll be back. It's never good when I write more than once a day though.

A(nother) fat night

I'm having some serious fat issues right now so instead of sleeping I am typing. I really should be sleeping since I have to get up in 6.5 hrs to to workout...and boy do I need to workout. I'm scared to go weigh myself right now. I know it's going to be horrible and it's going to really bother me but I have to do it. I hate it!! The last thing I feel like doing is "sitting with my feelings" right now. I'd like to go run 87 miles or just sleep and wake up 5 pounds thinner. Oh, wouldn't that be nice!!

J. and I had a nice night. Went and got me a dumb helmet. Then we went and got some dinner. I had half a grilled veggie sandwich and felt gross after. Then we made a chocolate lava cake. He wanted dessert and I love to bake so we went out and bought stuff. We put mini Reese's Peanut Butter cups in it and caramel Hershey's Kisses. It was really chocolaty. I had a couple of bites and wanted to puke after (not really literally. Well, maybe a little bit). I told him I was fat and want to weigh 94 pounds. He was like "look me in the eye and tell me you're kidding." I think I made it seem like I was kidding but he said "If you weigh 94 lbs I'll have to force feed you." Whatever. I need to lose 7 million pounds. I hate this fatness!!! I seriously need to just run for 7 days straight and maybe then I can burn more than 2 calories. Apparently 7 is the magic number tonight.


UGH, I really just hate this. Seriously, I need to eat like a grape and a carrot and call it a day. Wishful thinking!! Actually, I just need to move to NYC so I can walk everywhere and burn 9 million calories and lose weight and have fun!!

Right now I need to brush my teeth, floss, wash my face, mouthwash, weigh myself (that will be delightful) and go to freaking bed!!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

2 calorie workout

I now burn about 2 calories when I work out. That IS a problem!! I did 30 minutes of cardio before teaching my cardio class this morning and only burned 388 calories total! WTF?? Seriously. Okay, my body was tired and sore, maybe that had something to do with it, but that's really pathetic. Am I going to have to start working out all day long to burn calories?? I need to become a professional worker-outer. (Nice word, huh?) This has to change. I need a big burning boost!!

I'm so not getting the "I have an eating disorder" label either. I'm not seeing it and I don't really believe it. I just don't see it at all. Sometimes, rarely if you will, I do think that there's a problem here, but not that often. I just don't get it.

I'm tired and I have to meet J. in 45 minutes. Guess that means I have to get dressed. We're going to get my a bike (as in motorcycle) helmet. Oooh, can't wait for that!! (yeah right). I hate that stupid motorcycle and I don't want to ride on it. Oh well. Maybe I can get him to give me a massage. He said I need one because my muscles are so tight. I'll take it!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Amnesia

Wouldn't it be nice to wake up and have amnesia and totally forget that you hate your body, won't eat this or that, are terrified of gaining weight, weigh yourself a million times a day, and have to work out everyday?? Hmmm...imagine that.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Thoughts all over the board

The other night I had this random thought. I don't even remember where I was or what I was doing but this popped into my head...

I should just start throwing up after every meal. I think I could do it pretty easily if I tried. Shouldn't be that hard.

I don't know where the thought came from but it was something I seriously considered for a minute. I'm sure I'll consider it more too. Not that that's a great thing.

I
Just
Want
to
be
SKINNY!!!


I don't know what the problem is. I don't know why I am so caught up in this. I don't know why I want my bones to stick out and I don't know why I want the numbers on the scale to go down. What I do know is that I sound like a broken record. I say the same thing every freaking day.

I know I was so happy when I got home from NY and TN and the numbers on my scale were the lowest they've ever been. Now I'm home, eating and not burning as many calories and I know the weight is going to pile back on. Why can't I just freaking starve myself? I don't want to be sickly, just skinny. I don't want to die, I just want to be skinny. I don't want people to look at me and think "Oh, that poor girl looks sick." I don't want that at all. I don't want people to worry about me or feel sorry for me. I just want to lose a few pounds. That's all. Why is it all so complicated.

I don't know why I feel like I need to lose weight before my next T. appointment on Friday. Do I need to confirm or prove that I have a problem?? I still don't think I am anorexic. I know C. knows what the hell she is talking about. She's not a dumb woman and she deals with this stuff every day, but me...anorexic?? I'm not seeing it. I know she works with people much worse off than I. She definitely knows her stuff, too bad when she asks me these deep questions I don't know the answers to them. I just sit there and say "I don't know" like an idiot. Last Tuesday was especially bad because I was so tired (had 4 hrs of sleep). I was no use to anyone.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent. No one would look at me and think that I have a problem (that's a good thing...I think. Now I'm sort of contradicting myself). I think what I mean is that if I was standing in a crowd of people you wouldn't look at me and think that girl has an eating disorder. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to lose weight. I don't really know. I want to look skinny, not sickly. I am making NO sense because I just keep contradicting myself.

On that note, I'm going to go weigh myself and take care of all the stupid jackets in the basement that my mother has been nagging me about. Fun stuff!!!

My little "Bugs"

I was outside trying to find the holes in our pool when the phone rang. My mom picked it up and was chatting for a while. I didn't know who she was talking to or what it was about but I could tell she was upset about something. She was crying a bit and seemed all serious. When she hung up the phone I asked her what was wrong and she said that my little "Bugs" (nephew) might have a mild form of autism. Sad I guess he has to undergo some tests to be sure of it. I hope they're wrong.

My little "Bugs" will be 5 years old in a few weeks. I love him more than anything in the world. It's sad because kids are picking on him at school and that makes my heart break. He is so cute and so sweet and I just love him to death. He functions well and is incredibly smart, but he kind of keeps to himself a bit and I guess some kids are making fun of him and hitting him. I hate it!!

I hope he's okay. Obviously, it could be worse but I just want him to be a perfectly healthy little boy.





Sunday, April 22, 2007

A beautiful Sunday and a bad mood

I'm in a bad mood and I don't really know why. I do know that I need to lose weight. I keep saying this, but I don't know why I just want to lose weight, I just know I do. I am fat and gross right now. I ran freaking 10 miles this morning, you'd think that I'd feel a little better about myself. Oh no, I don't because I only burned 600 freaking calories. I was going to go to the gym after but I didn't have time. Shiites!! Ugh, I hate this. Why can't I just be 2 lbs??

It was so beautiful out today. Running by the water was nice. I got some sun. :) We all know how important tanning is to me!!

J's coming over and he wants to take me for a ride on his stupid motorcycle. I hate motorcycles and I don't want to go on it. He loves them and wants to take me for a ride so badly. I am SO NOT interested. That three day trip in June, which is some stupid cycle things will be a blast!! Oh what fun. Geez, I'm crabby today.

Oh, we got hit from behind on the highway today coming home from my sister's. We were in traffic so it was just a little bump. Whatever. No big deal.

I seriously need to move to NYC NOW!! Either that or I need to never eat again. That could work too. Whatever allows me to lose weight is a good thing. Blah!

I have to go take care of some dogs now. Here's a post I wrote last night and didn't post here.


---------------Post from last night that I didn't post here------------------

I feel like I really need to lose weight before my next appointment with Charro. I don’t know why. I feel like I need to prove something or something like that. Like, yeah, she says I’m anorexic so now I have to lose weight and I don’t know why. I just know that I need to lose weight. I don’t know where that will get me or if I will feel any different but I feel like I have to go there thinner. So, I have until Friday to lose weight. How am I going to do that? It’s so much easier when I’m in NYC and am walking every where and burning so many calories and not having to eat unless I want to.

I just want to keep losing weight and I don’t know why. I’m afraid that I’m going to gain weight. I don’t want to see that scale go up. It needs to go down. The numbers just need to go down. I don’t know when they’ll be where I want them to be. I just want to be a stick.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Annoying parents

My parents are annoying the heck out of me. My mom won't stop nagging and I get all snappy at her. My dad is gargling because he's sick and I can't stand it. HELP!! I need to get out of here, like yesterday! AHHHHH!!!

I need to lose 75 lbs too. Is that possible? Okay, not really but I just need to get skinny. I need to lose weight. I don't even know what losing weight will do for me but I know I want to lose it. I feel like I'm getting fatter by the minute here. I hate it. I need NY. I need to spend my life walking around the city and working out and spacing out and people watching and enjoying the peace and quiet (amongst the horns). I just need to get out of here. Oh yeah, and I need to get skinny like Martina!

Awesome!!










Martina was freaking AWESOME last night. I got to the venue and my seats totally sucked. They were in the second to last row from the top. Now, had I not missed the fan club pre-sale I would have had good seats. I got the tickets the minute they went on sale too, I don't know why they were so crappy.

So J. and I went in and sat down. I decided to give Martina's manager a call. He asked were I was sitting and said he would come up and find me. Now, I knew he wouldn't find me because I didn't tell him which section I was in. Ten minutes later my phone rang and it was him. He said "Come down here and meet me." I was like "I don't know how I'll be able to get there." He said "Just come." So J. and I snuck by the ushers and made it down to the stage. He said "where are your seats?" and I pointed. He then handed me two front row tickets. AHHH, I was SO FREAKING EXCITED!! I couldn't stop moving, smiling, dancing.

She had two opening acts and then she came out. Her production manager, who I know, came out and was like "Make sure you're ready?" I was like "why, do I get to go sing with her?" Then her manager came out and sat behind us and said "She's coming up the elevator onto the stage right her." WOOOO HOOO! So, out she came right in front of us.

I stood up and sang and danced the whole night. The crowd sucked. No one was standing. WTF?? I stood and danced and had a freaking blast!! I'm still hyper from it. I want to get on that stage more than anything in the world and sing.

So, I loved the pants she was wearing. J. was like "you're smaller than she is." I was like "No way!" I definitely weigh more than her." He was like "Wanna bet?" I said "We have no way to get the real answer. Oh wait, there's her husband, I bet he knows how much she weighs." Ha. So, it came down to me asking one of her guys who he thinks is smaller. He said, "I don't really know. I think you might be." Um, there is NO WAY in Hell that I am thinner than she is.

Anyway, it was a great night. I freaking love Martina!! I just want to be her!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Anger and bad poetry

Yes, I'm angry and NO, I don't want to "sit with my feelings." J. is late...as usual. He's "on his way" but needs to take a shower when he gets here. He's so slow and late all the time and it drives me F'ing insane!! Seriously, I can't take it. Granted he did just get out of work, though he was supposed to get out 45 minutes ago. This is why I don't like people. You can't rely on them. That's why I just like to do things by myself. That way if something gets fucked up, it's MY fault. If' I'm late, it's MY fault. No one else to blame but myself and it's better that way. Hmmm, maybe it's a control issue?! Grrrrr!!!

I'm going to write a song about late people.

I hate people who are late.
They drive me insane.
I get really pissed.
Did I mention I'm fat?

I thought I'd throw that in there
because I had nothing else to say.
I should go get on my scale and see how much I weigh.

Martina is two pounds.
It's really not fair.
How come I can't look like that?
At least I have good hair. (today)

J. just got here
Now he's in the shower.
He better be ready to leave
before the 5 o'clock hour.

I want to be a stick
just like Martina.
Some people say she looks sick.
No way, she's just a little bambina.

I guess I should stop writing
this awful piece of work.
I need to put on my cowboy boots
and stop acting like a jerk.

Martina madness

I'm going to see Martina tonight. I'm so excited. I don't even know how many times I've seen her in concert, but it's a lot. I was with her Monday night, she was on Idol Wednesday night, and now I get to see her again tonight. Yeah!! She has THE BEST voice!!

Martina is about 5 pounds and that's what I want to look like. Seriously, she's about 95 pounds soaking wet, tops. Must be nice!

I think I just got tired. I feel like I weigh 600 pounds right now. I want to take a nap but I can't. I'm having a really good hair day and those are few and far between. I'll have to take a picture. :)

Maybe, if I get some good Martina pics, I will post those.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Do they have a special book they read?

Okay, so in my 3 session of therapy that I've had and the numerous chats I've had with my friends that are therapists, I've realized that they have a book that they've all read telling them what words to use. So, I'm starting a list of psych words...they all use them. Here they are in a very particular order from most frequently used to least.

1. "Sit with your feelings" (Love that one) I told C. that I would "stand" :)
2. Ambivalent (how many times have I heard that one??)
3. Behavior
4. Explore
5. Challenge

*Add ons by my fellow bloggers*

6. Tools (Thanks Pol)
7. Healthy coping mechanisms (Polly)

8. Feelings aren't facts (sarah)
9. Fat is not a feeling (me, though I haven't heard that from C. yet)

Now onto my list of "prohibited" words. These are not allowed to be said to ME!

1. Therapy
2. Therapist
3. Session
4. Eating disorder
5. Purge
6. Anorexic/Anorexia

I know there are more but I can't think of them right now.

"I don't like that you're losing weight"

I'm tired (surprise)! I went to see some clients today, after hitting the gym, of course. I ran 8 miles and walked a mile and a half. It was my "NYC work out." After the clients I went to my sister's and hung out and then brought my nephew, the 5 year old, home with me. :)

I got to my sister's and she said that she was on a diet. She weighs two pounds. She "needed to lose 4 lbs" now she only has two more to lose. She was even drinking a Slim Fast. What's up with that??

So, I saw J. last night for the first time in a week. He was annoying me before I even saw him. Turned out to have a good time with him though. He was starving so we went out to eat. I had already eaten but he made me order something so I ordered grilled veggies for him to eat. He said that I "don't eat enough." He also asked me how much I weigh because he said he could tell that I lost weight. He said, "I don't like that you're losing weight." Oh well, get over it because hopefully I will lose more.

So that was that. I'm going to go lay on the floor and take a nap. Maybe I'll write later.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Back home

It's been a whirlwind of a month. Two weeks in NYC, home for less than 24 hours, fly to South Carolina for the night, then off to Nashville the next morning.

I got to Nashville Saturday morning and left Tuesday. I was in the plane (a 6 seater) for over 5 hours. The last 20 minutes of the flight I started feeling sick. The heat was blasting, I hadn't had much to drink because I didn't want to pee because there was no bathroom, I had a headache and I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn't wait to get out and get some fresh air.

The landing was a little rough because of the high winds. I'm sure that didn't help with my nausea. I went to work out when I got home last night but didn't because I kind of felt all shaky and nauseous so I ended up just sitting in my car on the phone with Charro (that's my name for C., my "T." because we had a phone session. I still don't feel well right now. My stomach is still feeling weird.

The good news is that I did NOT gain weight while I was in Nashville. I actually lost a little bit, not anything significant though, not even a pound but I didn't gain!! So now my stomach's weird and I don't want to eat, which is good.

I got to eat my pancakes yesterday with the YUMMY syrup. It was SOOOO good. I brought some of it home with me. I didn't even feel disgusting after I ate them, probably because I didn't stuff my face.

So now I'm back. I'll have to write more later. Nashville was great. Saw a lot of cool people (musicians) and partied until 3 AM on Monday night, which was 4 AM here. So, I'm still a little tired from the 4 hours of sleep I got Monday night.

Ok, I feel like I'm going to throw up so I'm going to go. (I don't really think I will throw up).

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Um yeah, nice day so far

Ya!! So, I've gained 2 pounds in like a day. That's really nice. I'm really excited about that. I'm hoping that the scale is wrong but I don't think it is. I need to eat the bare minimum and try to move around as much as possible today.

I woke up this morning, got dressed, found a gym I could go to near by and headed out the door to run to it. Well, it was F'n COLD out!! (it was 37 degrees but felt like 29, according to the weather channel). I didn't have the proper attire. I got out there and it was raining/sleeting. I was numb. I ran as fast as I could to the gym with things bouncing around in my pocket and me trying to hold my huge water bottle. My hands were frozen and my legs were bright red! To top things off, I got to the gym and it was CLOSED!!! AHH!!! So, that was really crappy. I decided to run around in the parking garage and run up and down the flights of stairs for a bit. Then I ran back here and lifted a few weights. It was only a 35 minute workout!! Ugh, half of what I usually do. NOT good!! My Buddha belly is getting more Buddha-esk. Really nice. I really just want to go home and work out!! Actually, I really just want to move to NYC and walk everywhere and workout and lose weight!!! NOW!!!

So, I'm heading into work in a few minutes. I'm already sleepy tired. Oh wait, when am I not? I haven't been getting my 9 hours of sleep lately. I need to work on that when I get home.

I just need to shed these 2 pounds before I go home!!

Good news, bad news

The good news is that I'll have time to go for a run in the morning.
The bad news is that it won't be far enough.

The other bad news is that it will be freezing out.

The good news is that there is a scale here.
The bad news is that I've gained 78 lbs already!

I am NOT eating and I am going straight to the gym on Tuesday when I get home!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Nashville, Day 1

I haven't worked out today because I'm working. I just want to run, run, run, run, run, run, run!!! NOW! I have too much energy that I need to expend. Atleast I haven't really eaten much today, but I still need to work out. Hmm, maybe I've eaten the same as I have in NY but in NY I was burning major calories, here I'm burning NONE! AHHHHHH

In Nashville

In Nashville. Won't have time to write or check blogs while I'm here (Most likely). Be back on Tues. Hopefully I can make it through without going insane. No scale, no working out and I'm going to gain weight and that scares the freaking hell out of me!!! I can't wait to get home on Tuesday so I can weigh myself. I have named my scale "Bertha." The other day C. asked me if I named my scale and I said NO and laughed, but it's kind of a funny idea so now I'm going to call it "Bertha." I was also thinking of "Ima O. Bese."

I'm outta here!

Friday, April 13, 2007

A whirlwind

I got home from NYC last night and am heading to Nashville, via a stop over in SC in 90 minutes. I haven't even been home for 24 hours.

I'll be sleeping in SC tonight and then we'll head to TN tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to work out in the morning or I'll go insane. Ugh, I can feel the pounds piling on already! NOT GOOD!! I just need to live in NY and not eat and walk around everywhere!!!

Okay, so I promised Jen (JL) I'd take a picture of my cereal bowl and post it. J. and my friends make fun of it but it's what I eat my Fiber One in every morning. The pics don't do it justice.





I lost my teeth

I had this dream last night that five of my teeth fell out after having been hit in the head or bumping my head, I don't really remember but I know it was a blow to the head. The weird thing was that it took a week for them to start falling out.

I was walking down the street, chewing gum and they started falling out. Apparently dreams about teeth falling out means that your "worried or self-conscious of your self-image" or that your "losing control" in life. Hmm, could we be right on both ends here?

I woke up this morning and weighed 97.9 pounds. I was shocked. I had to step on the scale 2 more times to make sure it was right. It was!! I got excited yet scared at the same time. It was like yeah, I'm finally losing weight! On the other hand it was like Oh no, what if I start gaining weight because I'm home? What if I gain a bunch of weight in Nashville because I can't work out? I have no idea how much I'll weigh until Tuesday when I get home because I'll have no place to weigh myself. (Now that I think about it, I could bring my scale. I brought it to NY with me, why not TN?). What if I keep losing weight and end up sick? How will I keep myself from gaining weight? I don't want to lost control and end up sick. Ahhh...too much to think about!

So, that was that. I hope I don't freak out too badly while I'm away. NOT knowing what I weigh will kill me. Maybe I will pack my scale. Something to think about.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Bye bye Big Apple

It's a dreary day here in NYC. It's cold and rainy and I have to go home today. :( So, as the rain falls, so do the tears. Okay, not really but it sounded so good. Ha! I am sad to go home. I actually don't even know how long I'll be home for because I'm leaving for Nashville but I don't know if I'm leaving tomorrow or Saturday. Hopefully I will be leaving Saturday so I can work out before I go.

Speaking of working out. My legs are still sore. WTF? They never get sore. What the hell did I do to them? Oh well, I'll still work out today and it better be better than yesterday's work out.

So, here's the view from what is my apartment until this afternoon. I'll miss looking out the window, with all the lights off, at night. So peaceful in such a busy place.

NYC at night (Obvi)


(the moon is out there)


(sunrise...I think. Or maybe sunset)


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Yeah, 3rd post of the day!

I'm half asleep (shocker) and am going to try to write something that might make some ounce of sense. I forgot to write this in my last post because I think I was half asleep during that one too.

Okay, so go home tomorrow. Crying 2. I really do love it here. I know I've said this a million times, but I'm afraid to go home because I'm afraid I'll gain weight. I lost a few pounds while I was here and am very happy about that. I just want to keep it off and keep losing weight. I am not 4 pounds away from reaching my goal weight. I'm not really sure what that means. I think I've realized losing those four pounds isn't going to make me feel any differently about myself. I'm not going to think I'm thinner so what's the point in losing it? If I got to that weight I'd just set a new goal weight and there would be no end to it. I know, I've had this realization before but it's still there.

In addition to being scared about going home and gaining weight, I'm scared of going home and having people notice that I've lost a few pounds. I know 3 pounds really isn't that much weight, but I think for someone my size (5 ft) it is. I don't see it, but others might, even though I don't think they will. I've just had comments in the past and I hate that. Sure, it makes you feel good when people say "you've lost weight" or they ask you about it, but it's really uncomfortable to respond to. At least I can say that I did so much walking in the city that that's why I lost weight, if anyone says anything to me. I guess it's just wait and see.

I just better NOT gain any weight while I'm in Nashville. Ugh, I'll have NO scale and NO time to work out. Literally, I will have no time to work out. I will be working the entire time I am there, like 16-18 hrs a day. It's fun and exhausting and if I can not eat it will be better! I can NOT gain any weight!

It would be nice to just go away and not have to worry about all this shiite. I don't even know why I want to lose weight anyway, I just know I do. I love seeing those numbers go down.

The Thinker I Dunno





311...and not the band

I'm in a bad mood. I should just leave the post at that.

My workout completely sucked today, which I knew it would. My legs are completely exhausted and sore and I'm just tired. I woke up at 3:30 and have no idea when I fell back to sleep. It sucked because I was exhausted to begin with. So not only were my legs tired, I was tired which led to a pathetic work out.

At one point I started freaking out because I started thinking about how I will be home and not burning as many calories and then I go to Nashville and I won't get to work out at all. Ugh..I was like I have to just push myself harder! I ONLY burned 311 calories and that included my walk! That SUCKS!!

Oh, so then I called my insurance company and I can't get any out of network benefits so that really sucks a big one because now I have to "blow" $400 a month. I know what you're all saying, "it's not a waste of money." I don't disagree but it's freaking expensive and it sucks. (not therapy, well sometimes I guess but I've only been twice so I don't really know, but paying for it does). I need to win the lotto!!!! I do like C. and going though.

I need to just stop thinking about that right now. I am meeting one of my friends for dinner tonight and I don't feel like going. Hopefully that will put me in a better mood though.

I talked to the lady that's supposed to go in on an apartment with me and I think she's backing down. I just need to MOVE HERE NOW!!!

I don't even know what else I want to write now. I'm just tired and pissy. Thank God I didn't have to go to T. today. I would not have been very pleasant and I hate when I'm not pleasant. No one wants to be around that.

Therapy, day 2

So, let's talk about today. (Ha, that was for you Jen!). Actually, I'm going to talk about yesterday but who cares.

My legs are suffering right now from my work out yesterday. I woke up and went to the gym, ran 8 miles and rode the bike and then walked back from the gym. (It's a 2 mile walk total) :). My legs were shot after that. Actually, I think they were tired before I ran but I had a good run. I was surprised.

Went home and showered and went to look at an apartment. Well, we couldn't get in so I never saw it. I then headed to my appointment. I wasn't nervous until I got on the subway. I definitely was NOT as nervous as I was the first time. That was off the charts. I went in and went to the bathroom. It took me forever to get in the stupid door because I forgot the code to get in. I finally figured it out and got in. This time the toilets did work!

I had 10 minutes to kill so I called Jen and talked to her while I stood in the corner of the bathroom. I was like "What do you want to bet that C. comes in here while I'm in here?" Sure enough, I was trying to get out of the bathroom and she was trying to get in. We were both turning the door handle. I was like "ahh" and started freaking out to Jen. I was like "I told you that would happen." I think my face turned bright red. I don't know why that was weird, but it was.

I finally went in for my appointment and the first 20 minutes were pretty uncomfortable. I just sat there. We sat down and she stared at me and said nothing. I think I said "hi" because there was that awkward dead silence, which happens way too much. She asked me how I was and I said "fine" and then I asked her how she was and then there was silence again and I sat there. Finally I asked her some questions (after she asked me if I had anything come up since Friday). I wrote them down, and it was a good thing because while I knew what they were, I didn't feel comfortable just asking them and talking about them. So I just read off the paper. She didn't give me any answers though! Grr.

After the first 20 minutes when I was thinking I really don't want to be here, things got better. It's just so weird to have to talk all the time. I hate talking!!!

At the end we discussed what we were going to do as for as me continuing. I was like, "What do you think about every other week?" She was like "Ideally I'd like to see you (I cut her off and say "Three times a week? (jokingly)) and she says "Yes." I was like "oh no, I must be pretty messed up if I need to be therapized (yes, a made up word) three times a week." (I thought that, I didn't say it). So we agreed on every other week in person and every other week on the phone. Ha, that should be interesting since I won't call her from my house with my parents there. I'll have to get in my car and drive somewhere to talk to her since cell service sucks where I am. I'll have to make up a lot of excuses as to why I need to come into the city all the time too. J's going to love that. He hates when I come here because then I'm not spending time with him. Oh well.

Okay, so I'm not telling anyone I'm going to T. (therapy. That's what I'll call it b/c you all know how much I HATE that word!!!). J. doesn't believe in it and thinks psychology is a farce. I don't even bother arguing about that with him because I know I would get so fired up and start yelling at him. That would be bad.

So, C. was going to send the receipt to my house and I was like "It's not going to say anything on it, will it?" She was like "How's individual psychotherapy?" I laughed and was like "Yeah, no!!" I meant on the envelope but I don't know if she meant on the envelope. I was like "Yeah, my parents don't need to see that."

I left there and went to meet with some agents. I looked at six apartments last night. I found one that I could totally see myself living in. Good location, cute little place. I think my cats would like it. I like it!

We walked all over the place and up so many flights of stairs looking at places. My legs were falling off already and then I had to climb 90 million stairs. At least I got more exercise. :)

I got back around 7, ordered dinner and chilled. I was exhausted. I think T. wipes me out.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and didn't fall back to sleep for a while. That sucks and I'm tired. I'm always tired anyway, not sleeping doesn't help. I had this horrible dream that I was going to play field hockey and my college coaches were there and the rest of my teammates were on the other side of the fence yelling "Hey PTC." I was freaking out because I was like "Oh shit, they found my blog." I had to take a walk with my coach and she was like "Why do those girls keep yelling about bones?" It was bad. I think was about to tell her about my blog when I woke up. All I kept thinking was I can't wait for this game to be over so I can go delete my blog.

This is the longest post ever. Ugh, if you made it this far you probably want to shoot yourself. ;)

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

"Oh-K"

I'm tired and I need chapstick. Okay, I took care of the chapstick situation.

Last night I met up with K., or as I like to call her "sfark" (the shortened version of "mylifethusfark"). I don't know why I enjoy saying that so much. Anyway, we met up at the subway and then walked to hang out at a coffee shop. It's funny, neither of us drink coffee, neither of us have ever had an alcoholic beverage (besides a sip or two), and neither of us have ever smoked or done any drugs. I was like, wow, we're a lot a like.

We chatted for a while over tea and then headed out to do some karaoke!! WOO HOO!! Sfark was rockin' out some 80's tunes and has an amazing voice. Some drunk girl came over and was talking to me while I was trying to listen to her, which was annoying. Needless to say, I have no idea what the drunk girl was saying because A.) she was plastered and B.) I was listening to K. I do know that we played lacrosse against each other in college.

So K and I sang a few ditties and then did a duet, no Islands in the Streams though Frida! I know you wanted us to do that one. We had a blast.

It was so good to meet K. I'm sure we'll hang out again. She's a great person, so talented, great personality and so cute. :)

Monday, April 09, 2007

I need to shower

It's 5:30 PM, just got back from the gym a little while ago. I picked up some spinach for dinner and ate that. It was quite tasty. Now I have to shower and get ready for my night out with K!!! (http://mylifethusfark.blogspot.com). I can't wait. We're going to go karaoking. She's gonna rock it out and I'm probably going to sound like shiites. It will be fun though.

I don't feel like taking a shower but I so have to. I'm just so lazy right now.

I looked at a few apartments today. Yeah!! I really need to find one so I can get my ass to NYC!! Granted my reasons for wanting to be here probably aren't the best reasons, but they work for me. I just know I can lose weight here and I love that!! I also have a ton of fun here!! LOVE IT!!

Okay, so I really need to go get in the shower now. More apartment hunting tomorrow...and therapy appointment #2. I actually made a list of things I want to ask her. (Thanks for your help with that, Jen.)

K, shower time!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Easter Sunday

Happy Easter.

I'm back in the city and it feels good! I went home last night for Easter and now I'm back.

I woke up this morning and went to the gym. We went to my aunt's house for Easter dinner and it turned out to be later than I expected. I wanted to get back here earlier, but what can ya do?

I was a little nervous about dinner but it turned out to be okay. I didn't really want to eat but I did and my weight is still okay right now. I didn't really eat any appetizers and just had lasagna for dinner (minus the meat and the cheese in it). I didn't bring home any leftovers because I didn't feel like carrying anything with me, I ran out of the house so quickly so I could get to the train station, and I don't feel like having any food here with me.

So, of course we had way too much food. Here's the rundown: Rice balls, chips and salsa, sticky buns, Easter bread, cheese and crackers, Antipasto sandwiches, lasagna, turkey, ham, 2 kinds of potatoes, string beans, asparagus, salad and desserts. I snuck away with my never after the lasagna while everyone else ate. It was a nice excuse to get away from the table.

My mom told me I looked pale today and asked me if I felt ok. Um, yes...my face just hasn't seen the sun in a while. Last time she saw me I was tan. (unless I really was pale because she saw me on Wednesday).


So now I'm back. I walked 40+ blocks to get back here and my feet or sore, but it was well worth it and well needed. Yeah! I think I'm sleepy. I keep waking up at 4 AM and I'm starving and can't fall back to sleep for a while. Let's hope for a full night's sleep tonight.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Am I getting worse?

Is it possible that therapy could make me "worse?"

I was at the gym this morning and I actually STOPPED thinking for an hour or so, it was so nice. I was working out, listening to music, watching tv, and NOT thinking!! I was so surprised when I realized that I hadn't been thinking about stuff.

Well, that came to an end at some point, probably during a commercial break while watching "Mr Holland's Opus," or when I saw all these fit and trim women and then saw myself and my fat arms in the mirror. I started feeling like I needed to work out even more than usual. Part of me attributes it to the fact that I was told that I am a compulsive exerciser and I don't believe it. I think I feel that I now need to become that compulsive exerciser to fit into that mold, that diagnosis. I know, that's a little messed up but all I could think about was how I need to work out more, how I need to lose weight, and how I don't want to have to eat.

C. asked me how I felt about cutting back on my work outs a little and eating a little more. I literally laughed in her face and said "That's funny." Translation...that's not going to happen.

I feel like I need to spend 3 hours at the gym before my appointment on Tuesday, like I need to prove some kind of point or something. I don't know. I'm not sure what it's all about.

I need to go to bed now.

Thoughts and fears

I have so much going on in my head right now. Thoughts from my appointment yesterday and thoughts from no where but my head. I woke up three times in the 4 o'clock hour this morning. Each time seemed like I had been asleep forever and it felt like it should have been time to wake up, though I was still tired. I woke up around 4:30 and was awake for a while before fading in and out of sleep.

First my therapy thoughts:

I've been thinking a lot about what C. said about me being "anorexic." I still am not really believing that. I guess it's hard for me to believe for many reasons, especially because I don't want to "have an illness." I also don't believe that I am anorexic. I guess it's just weird to hear it from someone who doesn't know me, a professional who deals with eating disorders all the time. A little scary I guess.

I do want to ask her a question though. I thought about this after I left. She says I'm anorexic and she knows how much I'm eating and working out (hence the diagnosis), but if I were her, I'd look at me and think that girl must be lying to me about her work out habits and her eating habits because her body does not look the way it should if she was eating that little and working out that much. So, I want to ask her about that in some way.

It was really weird she made reference to me having an eating disorder. She said something like "there's ptc and then there's the eating disorder." I was like she just used my name and eating disorder in the same sentence. I was like, ooh, that's weird.


Now on to my thoughts. Oh dear, hold on tight...

I'm scared...Scared to go home because I'm scared of gaining weight. Things have been great here. I've been getting so much exercise and walking around every where. I've been burning a lot of calories and not eating all that much. I eat when I'm hungry but I won't if I'm not. I don't have to eat. I don't have to sit down at the dinner table with my parents and eat. The thought of having to go home and do that is starting to freak me out.

Then there's Easter. I am going home for Easter dinner and I'm afraid I'll eat "too much." I'm afraid I'll gain back the weight I lost in just one meal. I woke up this morning weighing the least I've weighed in a long time and the thought of losing that scares me. I know when I get back into my regular routine I won't be as active and I will quickly put weight on. I don't know what to do about that. I can't let that happen. I don't know how I'm going to get out of meals and get more exercise. The gym is boring. I love burning those extra calories walking around the city all day.

I don't know. I just have so much going on in this little 'ole head of mine. There was something else on my mind but I can't remember what it was. I'm just scared of gaining weight.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Completely exhausted

I have so much more I want to write about today but I'm exhausted. I'll cover that stuff tomorrow. I've been obsessing about my appointment all day and I'm sure I will for a few more days.

Thank you all for everything!

xoxo

It's over

Okay, so I just got done with my first therapy appointment. I don't even think I can comprehend it all right now to write about it. I guess that will have to wait until later. I'm exhausted! Actually, I think I am hungry too, probably because I burned 750 calories working out this morning.

I was just a little anxious on my way there. Thank God my friend G. came with me. That made things a little easier for me. She's the best! I had two others offer to go with me too. My friends rock! She sat in the waiting room with me as I freaked out a bit. I really just wanted to leave.


I had to pee and the stupid bathroom was locked, which sucked. So, we sat there and then I heard the door open. Ahh! C. my (do I to refer to her as "my therapist?") came out to get me. I was like "is there a bathroom I can use?" Then she took me to the bathroom. The water was apparently shut off because the toilets and the sinks didn't work, but I really didn't care because I had to pee!

Okay, so I went back in. Sat down and felt so incredibly uncomfortable. There were a lot of dead silences, at one point I even said "dead silence." The first question she asked me, "Why are you here today?" I was like "Um, I don't know. I guess because people keep saying I should come here." Great answer huh?

I don't even know what else to write right now. My brain is just going crazy trying to remember everything that happened. I know that it really sucked having to tell her that I kind of threw up the other night. That was a blast. I didn't tell her when she asked if I "purged" (hate that word). I just told her about the few other times I did it, which didn't count either. She was like "explain how you did it." Um, great. That's fun. So I totally didn't mention Wednesday night's incident and wasn't going to but then I thought I should because I felt like I was lying to her. Then she felt the need to re-describe what I had just said. Nice!

She asked me if I had any questions for her and I said, "No, you can keep asking me questions." She was like "is it easier if I do that." Um, Yes!

Ugh, at the end she said, "what does it feel like to hear someone say you have an illness?" I was like ahhh. I went on to say that I didn't think I was anorexic and that I'm definitely not bulimic and she said, "I would definitely say that you're anorexic. You exercise compulsively and you restrict." It's really weird to hear that from a professional. I so don't think that I'm anorexic. I eat!

Oh my gosh, I am so tired and falling asleep right now. I'm sure I'll write more later. I need to read all your comments now, though I did see most of them I think.

Oh, for what it's worth, I'm going back on Tuesday. She's really nice and I like her, even though it is so uncomfortable and sucks sitting in there talking.

4 more hours

It's 6:54 AM and I am going to the gym now. Maybe I'll lose track of time and miss my appointment. Maybe I'll pass out in the steam room and miss my appointment. I DON'T WANT TO GO! Sad


Thanks for all your comments to my last post guys. No time to respond now because I need to work out!!




Thursday, April 05, 2007

I don't want to go!!

I'm whining because I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow morning. I really don't want to go. Seriously, I don't need to go. I don't want to sit in this woman's office and have her stare at me while I sit there saying nothing and wanting to puke. I'm being such a baby right now and I don't care. I'm allowed to be.

I couldn't keep my eyes open all day and now I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I'm sitting here overlooking the Manhattan skyline, looking at the Chrysler Building, trying to relax and it's not really happening.

I went out and walked around the city for a while tonight. There's something peaceful about walking around the city at night by yourself. I love it. Sometimes it helps me clear my head, however, tonight was not one of those times.

My right armpit is itchy.

I was sitting at the table staring at the wall earlier, drinking my tea and doing my nails and thinking how I'd feel so much better if I could just throw up. It's my nerves. I know that's not that answer and I wasn't going to do it. I didn't do it. Besides, I didn't have anything in me to puke up. Last night was just a fluke. I'm not going to throw up (even though it didn't count) again.

I'm listening to Martina's new cd. I think my eyes are starting to get heavy. I just want to sleep the whole night. I hope that happens. I'm going to get up early and go to the gym before my appointment. Instead of running there I'll just work out before hand. I'd like to get at least an hour and a half there. I know it's going to be tough for me to work out because I will be freaking out. I won't be able to concentrate on anything and I'll have exercise ADD. If I can just run for a while maybe that will help.

I'm sure I'm freaking out for no reason but right now I feel like I need to so that's what I'm going to do. I don't know what else to say.

Feeling guilty

*Edited*

Okay, I will further explain myself now, since it's kind of out there already. The shortened version of the story is that I ate my dinner and started freaking out. I was on the phone and started freaking out more so I started doing the anxious leg shakes, then started pacing, then got off the phone so I could go into the bathroom. I didn't stick my finger down my throat, but I did make myself throw up a little, I guess. I don't think it counts!! Only water came up, though I felt like I was getting closer to getting other things up. Behind my ears started to hurt, I had water coming out of my nose too, which I have experienced before. I still don't think it counts though.

After that, I hopped on the treadmill for about 10 minutes (ooh, long time) and then J. got here so I had to get off.

So, that's the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.


____________ Old portion______________

Okay, so I completely lied in that post from last night. I kind of gave into the temptation a little last night, not really though. It's definitely not a big deal. Nothing really happened. It's all fine. I just didn't really feel like writing about it.


So now I'm a "selfish" liar.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Nice and fat tonight

I'm feeling really disgustingly fat right now. It's so lovely!! I hate it!!! Ughhhh!!! I just need to go work out right this minute. I can't take it. I just want to "blah" (I don't know what that means). I'm just freaking right now. I had veggies and chicken for dinner. Why is that causing me to freak out. It's not like I even ate a ton. I need to not eat tomorrow.

Long story short, I didn't really work out today. I don't feel like getting into it. Now, I just almost went down a dangerous road that I don't want to go down. I came so close to making myself throw up. I was laying on the couch thinking about it and then I started pacing around and then ended up with my head in the toilet. I think I just need to go get on the treadmill right now.

J.'s coming to visit me tonight and he should be here in a half hour or so. Maybe he will go for run with me.

Okay, I'm done. I need to do something.

(No, I will not be discussing this in therapy on Friday.)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Livin' it up

Have I mentioned before how much I love NYC?? I just sat down after running around all day and I just realized that I'm tired. Ha!

I woke up early and went to NBC to meet up with a friend. Hung out there for a little bit. I walked back around 10 AM. I got back and had a little over an hour before I had to meet a friend at the gym. I got myself an egg white omelette and changed and went to the gym. My legs were tired before I even started working out.

I walked 30 blocks this morning, plus about 10 avenues (which are longer than blocks), walked 20 blocks to the gym, ran a quick 5 miles, rode the bike for a bit, sat in the steam room, and walked 20 blocks back. So, I've walked a grand total of about 4 miles today. I have a little more walking to do so I can get on the subway later.

So I'm at the gym and I'm looking over to the bottom level and there was this woman with the perfect body. That depressed me. Then I started thinking about how I need to get in shape before I go workout there anymore. Way to boost the self-esteem.

Okay, I am about to fall asleep. I need to get some stuff done. I also need to find an apartment in this city. I could weigh 5 pounds if I lived here.

I think I could fall asleep right now.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Brain overload

I don't even know where to start with this. My brain is working overtime and I don't think any of what I write is going to make sense. We'll see what happens here. Ew, and if Hillary becomes the next president I will puke!

Okay, so I was walking down the street on my way to the store this morning when I had this thought...

I think if I lived here I would be anorexic.

I don't mean that I would choose to be anorexic but I think I would take a very quick downward spiral. Why? I'm not really hungry. I don't need to eat for any reason (other than to live, which is a pretty good reason to eat), and no one can make me eat. I just haven't had much of an appetite lately and being here, it's very easy to forgot to eat or just not eat. (Don't worry, I am eating). I can't really get all my thoughts and explain them. I just know that the next two weeks may be interesting. Actually, as I just wrote that I got scared about going home because I'm afraid to go back to having to eat and stuff. I don't want that. I like this freedom.

My second thought happened at the gym. I was working out and could have kept working out. The walk there and back alone if 40 minutes, at a fast pace, so I had already burned 120 calories before I even started working out. I got to the gym and did 90 minutes of cardio and lifted a little. I finished up on the bike and I felt like I could have stayed there all day. In fact, I wanted to but then my brain starting thinking again.

I started thinking that if I workout too much here and am not eating that much and am walking around a lot I will gain weight when I go back home. I'm definitely more active here because of all the walking, and I'm definitely eating less so my body would be seriously shocked when I go home and am not getting all the exercise I am getting here and start eating more. (not that I want to eat more). It just sucks. I would gain 50 pounds and I can't have that. So, I made myself leave the gym for the sole reason of my weight gain fear.

Honestly, I love being here. I love not being hungry. I love walking everywhere. I just wish I didn't have all these dumb thoughts all the time. I want to lose weight. I think I will lose weight here and the going back to my "regular" life scares me because I don't want to gain it back, plus more.

Waking up in NYC

It's just after 8:30 Monday morning. I'm usually at the gym at this time but right now I'm looking out my window at the fog filled city. The buildings seem to disappear into the clouds. The fog is supposed to lift later, making way for the sun and the nearly 70 degree temperatures. It's an exciting day for New Yorkers...opening day at Yankee Stadium.

It feels really weird to get up and not have to rush out of the house to go to the gym. I don't like it. I am so routine and now it's all messed up. I will be heading to the gym later, however.

Yesterday, I had a nice run in the park with my friend G. It felt really good. She fixed my hip for me too. YEAH!!! She pulled my leg and it slid back into place. Thanks!! Let's hope it stays there.

According to this scale, I lost half a pound. I will be anxious to get home and weigh myself to see what my scale says. Granted, a half a pound can easily be water. Speaking of water, I'm thirsty.

There is this wonderful Italian deli on my street corner. It's huge and has everything you could possibly want. The food looks awesome. My mom loved the place. I'll definitely try something while I'm here but it's a shame that I can't enjoy all the different/wonderful foods around here. (why do I keep saying "wonderful?" What's wrong with me?) There are so many different places to eat, so many good places, so many little delis and eateries and I won't let myself enjoy them. Funny thing is that I feel like I don't really need to eat. I haven't been that hungry and I love that. Obviously, if I'm hungry I'll eat but I think I like the fact that I don't really have food around me. I don't need to eat. I don't know what I'm talking about either, but I know what I mean.

So, here's my fear right now. I'm afraid that I will lose a noticeable amount of weight, which for me could be like three pounds, and everyone back home will notice and say something to me. I don't want that at all. That's the worst. It's the people at the gym who say things and it's so uncomfortable. I guess I really only have to worry about that if I lose weight. According to this scale, I'm 5.5 lbs away from my "goal weight." I don't even know what the point of that is anymore. I don't know what I'm doing.

I just need to stop thinking so much. Maybe I'll start to figure some things out on Friday.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Packing and stress

I was completely stressed out on Friday night. I felt like I had so much to do and no time to do it. Actually, I really only had to pack, but I knew I was packing a ton of stuff and was trying to figure out how to cut down. I got it done and got here.

My parents drove me into the city yesterday because I had so much stuff. (love the rents). We walked around a little bit and then went to grab a bite to eat.

I tend to walk pretty fast and my parents walk about half a mile an hour, so I was walking in front of them, crossing the street and my dad yells out, "Hey ----, did you lose weight?" I was like, oh God and started laughing (while saying "no"). My mom and I were both like "why ya yelling that across the street?" He was like "She doesn't know anyone here." Okay, 1 minute prior to this I had passed a guy on the street that I know. It was just funny because my dad always says funny things like that really loud. We could be sitting at dinner and he'll say "What is that a big zit on your face?" We're always like "thanks!" It's funny though because he doesn't mean it in a mean way, he just doesn't think sometimes. I still love him to death. At least he was asking me if I lost weight. He went on, after we crossed the street, to say "you look nice. You look good, skinny." (so what did I look like before?) My mom said, "What are you checking out her butt?" My dad was like "No, you can't even see her butt. Her jeans are too baggy." I can always count on them for a laugh.

So, we went to eat and it was like 4 pm. I wasn't hungry to begin with and I was going out to dinner at 7, so this was lovely. We went to this little Italian place and I got a salad. We walked around some more and then my rents left. My mom cried when they left. She worries about her little girl.

I had about 2 hours to kill before dinner and didn't want to come back up to the apartment I'm staying at because the girl was still here, packing and stuff. I didn't want to get in her way. I didn't want to call my friend I was going out to dinner with because her mom was visiting and didn't want to intrude on them, so I sat in the lobby for a while. It was funny because C., the girl whose apt. I'm staying at walked by twice and was like "you can go upstairs" and then G. called and was like "What are you doing?" When I told her I was sitting in the lobby she told me to come over and then said I was like a homeless person. Ha!


Went to dinner at 7. I forgot to mention that I was dining with three psychologists. I think I was a little nervous about that, for obvious reasons. I felt a little weird sometimes, like when the cake went by and everyone ate it but me, but other than that it was ok. I ordered a normal meal and at it all. Of course, then I was wondering what they were all thinking because I ate it all. Sometimes I wish I could NOT think. Whatever, we had a very nice time. A nice way to begin my 2 weeks here.

We finished the night with a karaoke song at this karaoke bar. Yeah! We left and I came back to my apartment!

Oh, so I packed my scale but I found that C. has a scale. It was hidden behind the toilet when I scoped out the scene last time I was here. So, my scale can go back home. :) This scale is digital and I am happy :). Yeah!

Day #1 in NYC...a run in Central Park.