Saturday, March 31, 2007

I'm an ass...again!


Take a look at "Poppy Again" and "PTC"
(I'm not sure which one I am but I'm hoping I'm the one furry one on the right!)
Jen has 2 new "asses" and her nephew named them. I'm back!

Friday, March 30, 2007

One week

Next week at this time I will be DONE with therapy!! Woo hoo. I'll probably be replaying, obsessively of course, what happened during that fake hour. I don't know how 11 AM passed without me realizing that in one week I will be feeling like my insides are going to come right out of my mouth if I open it. Blah!!

As much as I don't want to go and do this, I know I will go. I don't back out of things, which is really starting to annoy me!!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Almost time to leave

I head into New York City on Saturday for almost two weeks. I am so excited about this. I will be out on my own in a nice, big city. I can NOT wait!! Woo Hoo!!

I have a ton of stuff to do before I leave. I have to pack (a ton of shit, mind you), workout, work, see J. and get taped for my friends show the she does. I've choreographed a fitness segment and have to get taped tomorrow doing it so the animator can animate my movements for the character. It's a kids healthy living show. I also have to do laundry and iron some clothes.

I am packing my scale. Unfortunately I am not packing my good scale but my old, non-digital one. Now, I know it's going to bug me to not know EXACTLY what I weigh but it's only for a week. I'm coming home for Easter and will be able to weigh myself on my scale then. Hopefully there will be a decrease in the number on the scale!! There better be!! At least it won't be a shock to come home and weigh myself because I will have a scale there to keep me somewhat in the loop.

Have I mentioned that I can NOT wait to go? :) FREEDOM! FUN! FRIENDS! FITNESS! YEAH!!!! I'll get to hang out a lot with one of my good friends (until she gets sick of me), and see a bunch of others. Yeah!!

I have no idea what to pack because I always pack too much. I want to bring everything with me.

I also have my dreaded therapy appointment. Woo hoo! I'm sure I won't sleep much the night before that.

Onto other things, I just bleached out my pants and my shirt while cleaning the bathroom. Now that sucks. My right ass cheek is killing me. I think it's my sciatic nerve of something. It feels like one big knot and I feel like I have to take my right hip and pop it back. It's a lovely feeling. I tried to run this morning but decided that the elliptical might be a better idea. Perhaps tomorrow I will run.

I get back from NY and head to Nashville the next day. Yeah, I LOVE Nashville. I'll only be there for a few days and I will be working the entire time I'm there. I'll be working like 16-18 hour days, but it's only for 3 days. Talk about sleep deprivation. Oh, the bad thing...I won't be able to work out for 3 days, or maybe two. I can work out before I leave and the day I get home. That will be good. I also won't have my scale :( No working out and no scale. Maybe there will be no eating too. :) I'm sure that won't be the case especially since my friend and I will be going to our favorite breakfast place where I will eat pancakes!! Yes, you heard me correctly. This place has this special syrup that is SO GOOD! I get the low fat pancakes and practically drink the syrup. I end up feeling like shit the whole day but also don't eat the rest of the day because I'm so full from breakfast. I guess it all evens itself out calorie-wise. I'm just so excited to go.

So, needless to say I have a busy few weeks ahead of me. I didn't really tell my boss I was going to be in NYC for 2 weeks. I lied and told him one because he is supposed to be out of town for one of those weeks. He is going to Nashville with me. Actually, he is flying me down to Nashville in his place. My mom is a nervous wreck about that. Oh well, she has no control over the situation.

Anyway, that's about it for now.

8 more days

Ugh, I just got that nervous I don't want to go to the, the, ther, ther, thera...therapy feeling. Oh God, the thought of sitting across from someone who is probably like three feet away from me and staring at me makes me want to puke. I can't go. I can't do this. I get this horrible feeling everytime I think about it.

It's 8 days away and I have 6 pounds to lose. I don't want to go!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Things that make ya go Hmmm.

(I'm doing my titles in song titles now)

I was driving home from the gym this morning (gee, I seem to start a lot of posts like that) and I was thinking. (I think I do a lot of thinking in that 3 miles too.) I was thinking about the numbers on the scale and what they mean. I realized (for right now at least) that I just want the numbers to go down and that I don't care so much about actually losing weight. Obviously, my mind changes like the weather in New England (very quickly) so I'm sure that thought will change soon. I mean, yes I did just see myself in a bikini and think ugh, look at the fatness and those love handles and thought I need to lose weight, but it seems that there's another reason why I want to see those numbers go down and I'm not sure what it is.

I know I want to see them drop, but I'm not always thinking that they need to go down so I can be thinner, I'm just thinking that they need to go down. But why do they need to go down if my thoughts aren't that I want them to go down because I want to weigh less? I don't get it. Yes, I do want to weigh less but I'm not sure what else there is to it. Is it to see how "successful" I can be?? Is it all a big game and challenge to myself? What happens when I get to my goal weight? It's not like I'll be able to say "Okay, here I am. Yeah!" I'm sure there will be a "now what?"

I still want to get skinny. I still want to lose that fat on my body. I still want to be -- lbs. I'm getting closer to it. How close can I get? Will I get there while I'm in New York for two weeks? What if I do? Then what? Will I freak out. Will I come home and have other people freaking out on me? I'm excited that I won't have to eat. I know I keep saying that.


Speaking of eating, I was thinking the other night; what do my parents think when we eat dinner together. Do they notice if I just have broccoli? Do they notice the amount of food on my plate. Well, I guess so because my dad said something to me about the small piece of chicken that I had. It's not like I don't eat and it's not like I don't eat enough, but what do they think?

Hmm, so much going on in that little head of mine.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

My thoughts are gone

I had a long day in Long Island today. I thought about so much while I was sitting around being bored and cold in this conference room and now I'm home and too tired to remember what it was. Maybe it will come back to me tomorrow. Or, maybe what I was thinking before isn't what I'm thinking now so it's a moot point. Don't know. Going to bed.

Monday, March 26, 2007

The way you do the things you do

Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do when it comes to wanting to lose weight. Most of the time it's because I really do believe that I need to lose weight because I can't stand the way I look, etc. Other times, I'm not really sure why I keep striving for weight loss. Sometimes I find myself just doing this because it's what I've been doing for so long. There are some times, though very few, that I'm not thinking about losing weight but I still can't imagine not behaving in this way.

Sometimes I realize that losing weight isn't going to make me feel better about myself. The intelligent part of me knows that if I lose 8 pounds that I won't be satisfied. I won't want to stop. Most importantly, I won't be able to stop. You get to that point and you just freak out about everything even more. So, knowing that, why would I still strive for that? I don't know.

"They" say it takes 4 to 7 years to "recover" from an eating disorder if you catch it early. Okay, so what does that mean for someone who's been doing it for almost 15 years?? Hmm, I guess it doesn't count for me because I don't really have an eating disorder. I think they mean for someone who is anorexic or bulimic.

I do know that I enjoy the feeling of an empty/flat stomach.

I don't know why my arms are so flabby. I want them to be defined little sticks. Everything is too big and flabby. To top it off, my calves are getting bigger. I actually don't mind the definition there, but even my sister said that they were big. Nice, huh. Her words, "they're huge." Um, yeah thanks. I know!

Someday, just someday maybe I will be okay with my body.

I do, however, still feel as though I need to lose weight before my appointment next week. Countdown, 11 days...ahhh!! I think I feel like I need to prove something and in order to do that I need to lose weight so I can be skinny before I go. Can't have a "normal" looking person go talk about "eating issues."

Me as an ass

I'm very cute, I must say.

Well, I've been mourning over this for the past two weeks since being informed that I am no longer an ass. Jen's nephew named his donkey "PTC" (well, my real name) but he has since changed it. :( Here is the ass formerly known as me.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

To bake or not to bake?

I really feeling like baking today. I've wanted to for a few days now. Actually, when don't I feel like baking? Here is the problem, I don't want food around my house. If I bake it I'll want to eat it. Okay, so I know I'm not going to make something and eat the whole thing but even if I eat some I will feel bad about it. I'm just better off not having anything around that I'll want to have.

My dad loves desserts and he would love it if I made something for him. I'm thinking of making Cinnamon apple raisin bread pudding, which I saw in Cooking Light. He likes that kind of stuff. I don't know, it's kind of a weird consistency, I think, but then again I've never made it. I would rather make something with less fat in it, though I would use skim milk instead of the 2 percent which the recipe suggests. It might come out tasting like doody but it would cut out a lot of the fat. The rest of the recipe only has 1 tablespoon of butter so it really wouldn't have much fat in it if I used skim milk. (oops, I lied. I just looked at the recipe and it calls for 4 large eggs. Do they really come in different sizes?)

So I head to NYC on Saturday. I'll be there for almost two weeks. I can't wait. It's going to be a blast. I'll be living in the big city all by myself with no one to watch over me. (Okay, I do have friends there but I meant my parents). I don't have to eat. :) I will, but I don't have to which is such a wonderful thing. I'm so hoping that I will lose like 5 pounds while I'm there. Chances are slim that that will actually happen but I'm sure as hell going to try. I'll be walking a lot and not eating a lot. Oh no! What if I come home and gain it all back because I have to eat and am not walking around as much? Ugh, something else to worry about now. Yuckers!

Okay, I'm done for now.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Stupid, mindless post

I layed out today. It was so nice out and now it's starting to rain. At least I got some sun.

That pesky 2.5 lbs is finally gone. Thank God...only 8 more to go. Okay, so probably only 6 more to go but I really like the number 8 so I'll just keep saying that. I don't really know why.


I don't even know why I want to be skinny anymore. It's something I've been striving for so I feel like I need to keep going for it. I don't know where it will get me but it's something I want, maybe because I will feel like I will have achieved something.

I just know that I like not being hungry. I like seeing the numbers go down. I want to keep seeing the numbers go down. So why am I going to go to therapy?? Good question, huh? I'm not too sure about that myself. I'll give it a shot though. (I'm in my not scared of it state right now because I'm not really thinking about it).

I don't really have anything else on my mind.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Two more weeks of this

Two weeks from today is my first therapy appointment, assuming I keep it. So, you guys are going to have to listen to my wining for another two weeks.

I was driving home from the gym this morning, looked at my clock and got a pit in a stomach because I realized that at that time, two weeks from now, I would be on my way to my appointment. I got really nervous about that. The more I think about it, the less I want to go.

If I run there, I'll show up all sweaty and stuff, which really doesn't bother me, but she'll clearly know that I worked out or something. I figure, if she asks I can just lie and say I ran a few blocks there. She doesn't need to know that it's 4.35 miles. That's not even that far.

I really just don't want to go. She's going to ask me questions and I'll just sit there and say "I don't know." That's my answer to everything. "I don't know. I don't know."

I also know me and while I'll be miserable and nervous as all hell, there will probably (maybe) be something that I like about. I'm sure I will like her, I'm not really worried about that, though I keep hearing her voice in my head from our conversation on the phone the other day and it makes me shake. Ugh, it's too real and I don't want to go. I hate talking to people, never mind someone who will be sitting right in front of me staring at me. Psychologist Yuck!

Yes, I got two more weeks of this anxiety. I love it. Hopefully, if I'm extremely lucky, I will be so nervous a few days before going that I won't want to eat anything and I will lose weight. That would be perfect!! It would be even better if I was really nervous for a whole week, or starting now and didn't want to eat. That would be great!







Thursday, March 22, 2007

Eww, food

Funny how food can be a scary thing. I get in these phases where the thought of eating scares me because I'm afraid I'm going to gain weight. Okay, so I always have that fear but sometimes it's heightened. I think when I lose weight my fear of food becomes worse. When I gain weight it's bad too, but it's different. I can't explain it. Maybe if I didn't watch every ounce on the scale it wouldn't be that bad. Ha, like that's gonna happen. I still end up eating no matter what the situation is.

Twisted thoughts?

I've been wanting to lose the "magic 8" for a while now. Actually, at one point about two months ago, it was down from 8 to 4 lbs, but that lasted about a second because I was sick. I think dehydration played a key role in needing only lose 4 lbs. Then I hovered at 100 lbs for a while until my recent jump. But now, I'm back!! The funny thing is, I really think I like the number 8 because no matter what my scale says I still want to lose eight pounds. I should only want to lose 6 or 7 at this point but I still like that number eight. Hmm, don't know what that's about.

Here's the other thing, and I might have written about this yesterday, I should probably check and see but I don't feel like it so I will just write it (again, maybe). Okay, I had to check because it would bother me if I wrote it again, but I'm going to go more into it anyway.

Now that I have made a (cringe) therapy appointment, I feel like I really need to lose that 8 lbs. I'm not really sure why, probably because I'm not convinced that I have an eating disorder. I don't know what it will take, besides all of you guys yelling it at me, to convince me that I may have one. Even as I write that I don't think I do. I don't think 8 lbs is going to make that much of a difference meaning, I don't think I will look unhealthy or sickly at that weight. I think I will be very happy with that weight and finally be and feel skinny. I can see the difference in the couple of pounds I've lost over the past few days. It's totally visible to me. My stomach is a little flatter, granted I was bloated too. I could see it when I gained the weight too. Fat! That's all I saw. It's not gone yet, but I feel better now that I'm losing weight again. I just need to keep losing it.

Is it messed up that I want to lose weight before I go there??

The thing that sucks is that when I'm in NYC, I won't have my real scale with me. I have to take my old one, which is not digital with me so I won't know my exact weight. I like to know if I've gained an ounce or two. I guess that I will have to lie and say "I don't know" if "the lady" asks me how much I weigh. :) I won't really be lying. I won't know exactly what I weigh. Ew, what if she has a scale there and wants to weigh me? Okay, I just freaked myself out for a second. She won't do that. I know she won't because there's no reason for her to. I'm better now.

I feel like my filling is coming out of my tooth and I keep playing with the hole with my tongue. It's annoying me and I can't stop. It's kind of like when you bite your cheek and it sticks out so you keep biting it by accident. Ugh.


Anyway, that's all for now.

Castaway Chick





Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Update on Jen

I just got an email from Em regarding Jen. Em went to visit with her at the hospital this afternoon and informed me that Jen is off suicide watch. She may be going home tomorrow. I'm going to talk to her now.

******MORE UPDATES*****

I'm transcribing Jen's words right now as I talk to her...

"I'm trying to bust out of here. Got any tips. I just want to leave."

She just sounded like an alien. I think she got too close to the machines. She says not to worry about her. She didn't do it on purpose. She'll write about when she gets home.

Two things

First things first: THANK YOU guys so much for all of your support. It's kind of funny to me that you are all so "proud" of me and "excited" for me that I made an appointment. Obviously it was a HUGE thing for me to do and it still freaks me out to think about it, but at the same time I'm thinking why does everyone else think this is such a big thing and why are they are so proud of me? I don't know, but you have all been so wonderful, so thank you!

Second, the numbers on my scale are finally down! YES! Now, I'm hesitate to get too excited over this in case it's a dehydration thing, but they're significantly lower than what they were, which makes me very excited. If I can just stay around here for the rest of the day then I can wake up tomorrow with some even better numbers.

I have to say that I've kind of lost my appetite with this whole Jen thing. I'm very worried about her. I keep praying for her and thinking about her and I hope she gets better really soon. I also hope the my appetite stays "lost" for a while. Afterall, I need to lose 8 pounds before I go to therapy. If I'm going for an eating disorder I sure as hell should be skinny!

Palm Tree Chick





Can't take anymore

I feel like I'm numb or something. I checked Jen's blog before I went to bed last night only to be hit with the latest news. She's alive, but she OD'ed on her pain meds.

I can't take anymore. I feel like shutting myself off from the whole world of blogging because this is where I've met everyone. On the other hand, I love you guys and you're all SO SUPPORTIVE that I don't think I'll go anywhere.

I was on the phone with Jen an hour before she was taken to the hospital. I didn't sleep all night as I tried to figure things out with our conversation. God, I hope this was an accident. I don't even know what to think or feel right now. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm just blank. The worst part is that I have to walk around my house like I'm fine because I haven't told my parents about any of this, nor will I. Ugh, I don't know what else to say. There's too much, yet not so much going on in my head.

Please keep Jen in your thoughts and prayers guys. I'll keep you updated if I hear anything.

Between making a stupid therapy appointment and all this shit going on with Jen, my appetite isn't so much there. Oh well.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

So not happening!

Here's how it all went down...

I was on the phone with Jen (JL) when "the lady," as she will now be known as called. I started freaking out and shaking. I was talking to Jen on my house phone and "the lady" called on my cell phone because there was no way in hell I was giving her my home number. Hello, I live with my parents. So, I put Jen down and answered my phone. (What the hell was I thinking?) Now, my cell works like crap in my and I had to call her back on my house phone because she was like "You're cutting in and out." I told her I'd call her right back. Again, what was I thinking??

So, I told Jen I had to call her back on that phone and was going to go puke now. (No puking, don't worry).

Ugh, so I called her right back and thus the conversation began. I don't really know what happened. She asked me if I wanted to set up an individual appointment and I said "I don't know. I guess." She asked what was a good time for me and I told her my situation. We set up an appt. and there was this horribly awkward dead silence. It lasted about 7 years. I was thinking I'm not going to be the one to say something first but this is really awkward. So I finally said, "Are you there?" She said yes. Then she asked me if I wanted to come in sooner to see her because I'm not going until April 6. I said "No!" Ha. I don't really remember what else happened but I got off the phone and was shaking like crazy.

I called Jen back and freaked out to her for a while. She wants me to do all the talking so she doesn't have to think about things. I disagree with that, but if I can help ease her mind then I'll do what I can.

Then I talked to Polly and freaked out to her for a while and now here I am...still freaking a little. I'm SO NOT GOING or I am running there. It's only a 7 mile run I think. She sounded scary. I don't want to go. Is it wrong to run to therapy?? Not in NYC baby!! I don't care if it is. I'll do it and wear my heart rate monitor and see how many calories I burn and then stretch in her freaking office. I'm not sitting there and looking at her. Ugh!! NO WAY!!

I layed out today and got tan. That was the good part of my day. I freaking ran 8 miles and have had a headache all day. Everytime I run a long distance I get a headache. WTF? Any answers to that?

She called back...

My entired body is shaking and I'm not going. She called me back and I answered the phone like a dumbass. I made an appointment and I'm so not going!! She sounds scary!!

I called...

Can I throw up now?

I left a message and am tempted to not answer the phone when she calls back.

Making that call.

I'm sitting here contemplating whether or not I should actually call (I'm cringing right now as I am about to type this word) a therapist (ugh, I hate that word. I'm going with "professional listener" I forgot who used that term. AE maybe?). I'm going to be spending a week or two in New York and I got the name of this woman from a friend. The problem, I don't want to call her. (Never mind go there).

Here's the issue...or issues.

1. I hate calling people that I don't know, never mind calling a f'ing therapist. Ugh. makes me want to throw up.
2. I don't know what to say.
3. I really don't want to go sit in that waiting room by myself. I might puke.
4. I think I'd feel really uncomfortable sitting at an office having to talk to someone while they're two feet away from me and looking at me. (Can I bring a blanket to put over my head?)
5. I hate to talk. Let me rephrase that, I LOVE talking and never shut up, I just hate to talk about serious things...especially revolving around me.
6. I don't really think I want to change anything.
7. I don't have an eating disorder. Yes, I have some "issues" but I do not have an ed and she'd look at me and be like "You're right, you don't."
8. I'm too scared!

Okay, so there is part of me that is kind of curious about the whole thing, but I don't really think I can do this by myself. Dumb huh? I'm 29 years old, not 5 years old. I need to "grow some balls."

Wow, now that I actually typed this all out, I think I'm even more nervous about it. That's great. Definately not calling today.

I need to do some work.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Worry and weight

I can't stop thinking about Jen. I'm just very worried about her. Yesterday, I asked my friend what the remedy for worrying about people was. Her answer, "If they're your friends and you care about them you worry about them." The truth, but I guess it really wasn't the answer I was looking for. I wish I didn't have to worry. There are too many friends that I'm worrying about right now and I wish that wasn't the case. That would mean that everyone was fine.

I feel selfish for still having this intense need to lose weight. It's not even a question of wanting to lose it, I need to lose it. I'm trying. I'm so trying. Why can't it just go away. I will be so much happier if I just lose 4 pounds. That's all I'm asking for. Sure, I want to lose 8 but I will take 4...for now at least.

I look at myself in the mirror and can see how fat my stomach is. The love handles hang like mushrooms over my shorts and jeans. Bones would be so much more attractive. A rib or two, some hip bones. Ahh, that would be nice.

I need to pee and then I need to weigh myself. That damn scale. I'm totally hating it right now. I want to start liking it again. Please, let that happen.

I like not eating. I got through phases where if feels so good to not eat. I love when I'm not hungry. Granted, most of the time I do eat when I'm hungry, even if it's not something I really want, like a salad or something. So many times I eat what's "better" for me rather than what I really want. Sucks, but such is life. What can I say??

That's all.

More sad news (Updated)

In case you guys have not heard, Jen lost her baby on Saturday night. I received that sad news from Adam yesterday morning. If you would like to send her an email you can send it to emilydreed AT yahoo.com (Use the normal @ sign though). She will print out the emails and bring them to Jen.

Please keep Jen in your prayers. She's had a very difficult few months, having lost two friends (Leah and Maggie). Now this. I'm very scared for her.

P.S. This was the friend I was talking about in my last post. I just didn't think I should say who it was and what the situation was until it was already put out there by Jen. (Actually, Em posted it for her).

-------------UPDATE-----------------

I just spoke to Jen, only for about a minute as she is on pain meds. Nothing new to report. Her mom and Adam are with her. Hopefully she won't be left alone for a long time.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Stuck on a train

I don't know where to begin...

I went to the rodeo Friday night in the most horrendous weather. The highway was white and icy. We should not have been driving but we did. It was fun and then we (J. and I) stayed at my sister's house, which was not too far from the arena we were at.

Saturday morning I woke up and watched tv with my nephews, made them pancakes and then went to the train station and headed to NYC. J. woke up with strep throat, which I did not know until Saturday night. Hmm, we'll see what happens to me though I seem to think I was the carrier and I won't get it. It would be a nice way to lose some weight though.

Hung out Saturday night. Did a little cooking/baking with my friend G. Twas fun and nice to just hang out, especially since the sidewalks were extremely messy from the snow and ice.

Woke up this morning and went to the gym. I then received a text from a friend with some extremely sad news. I can't talk about it right now for a couple of reasons and I'm sorry that I can't tell you what happened but I will be able to talk about it sooner or later. I'm fine, but please keep your thoughts and prayers with them even though you have no idea what's going on.

Then I got on the train to come home and it broke down. Thank goodness I had a book to read. So, I sat on the train for a while but I made the best out of it. Oh well.

I just totally forgot I was writing a post because I had to stop for a minute and then I forgot I was writing. Now I don't know what to write. That's it for now.

BTW...I'm still fat!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Seriously...

Seriously, I weigh 9,374 pounds. If you want to be specific, that's over 4 tons. I can NOT take it anymore. UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! HELP!! It NEEDS to GO AWAY NOW!!!!

I know everyone can see that I've gained weight. I love it. It's fantastic. Maybe I can gain some more weight. That would be great. Someone please tell me how to starve myself!!!

I'm outta here for two days with NO scale. I better come home weighing nothing!!!

Perhaps I'll blog while I'm away.

Guys are annoying

J's annoying me! I need to do laundry...and I need to pack for my weekend away. Yeah! Oh, and I'm still fat!! I was down a smidgen, but clearly not enough. Oh, and I won't get to weigh myself for a little bit while I'm in NY. In these dire times I need to weigh myself every second. Hopefully I'm come back to a pleasant surprise.

So, J. and I are going to a rodeo tonight, his choice. The weather here sucks here and it will probably be really icy out and I don't want to drive there if it's bad. He's like (Typical guy) "I have four wheel drive." Hello, dumbass, that doesn't make a difference in the fucking ice!! UGH!

We could stay at my sister's house, which is right by where we're going and where I need to take the train from in the morning, but he's got stuff to do in the morning. So, he's like "stay at my place." No, how many times do I have to tell him that I don't want to stay at his place!! It's getting really fucking annoying. If we stay at my sister's, we could go to her gym in the morning. If I stay at his place, that will waste time. I will have to drive home tonight and then go to the gym here in the morning and then drive back to my sister's in the morning. What a PITA!! (Pain in the ass). Sorry, just pmsing too.

I really need to take a shower but don't feel like doing my hair. I guess I have to do it. There's a bluebird outside my window.

Enough bitching for now.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I love gym mirrors

I know I've said this before, but don't you just love those gym mirrors? I was on the elliptical this morning and I looked behind me and saw a nasty sight...my love handles sticking through my white tank top. You can see the fat pockets through my shirt, hanging over my shorts. It made me want to puke. Then there were my fat arms. LOVE that too!! It doesn't get any better. Thank God I didn't look down at my ass, then I would have had to run out of there and keep running until I got to California. Maybe by that time my love handles would be gone.

Ew...maybe I should just stay on the treadmill next time; I can't see myself in the mirror when I'm on running. That's probably a good thing because there would be way too much jiggling going on.

SERIOUSLY....I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! What is going on here????

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Hung up.

I'm hung up on this 2-2.5 pounds that I've gained. Apparently it's hung up on me too because it's NOT leaving!! WTF???!! I seriously don't get it. The funny thing is that I'm still less than what I was 5 months ago (only by 2 lbs), but then in January I got down to 99 and loved every minute of it. I actually hovered between 99-101, but I was usually around 100. So, I'm going with that as my base number for my weight gain. Therefore, I need to lose this weight and I need to lose it now. (Hopefully those numbers won't trigger anyone, but I can't help it, I needed to write them out in order for it to make sense to me. Afterall, this is my blog!)

I'm just so sick of this fatness. I know the drill. I know if I get down to my goal weight than I still won't be happy and will want to lose more, or I'll be fine with my weight but will have to fight so hard to keep it off that I will end up being miserable. I don't know why I can't see that and realize that it's not worth the trouble. Hmm, probably because I just want to lose weight and be skinny. That's my guess. I don't believe anything so I always have to find things out for myself, which would mean that I have to get to my goal weight to figure that out for myself. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll actually get there! Oh wait, I keep getting fatter so I'm clearly moving further and further away from my goal weight and that just sucks a butt...a big butt...mine!!!

This is just such a fun way to live, isn't it?

I'm drinking my decaf green tea because I'm freezing. I'm also tired from this stupid time change. My legs have been so tired the past few days too. What's up with that. I'm dragging at the gym. I don't know how the hell I'm going to run tomorrow. Oh well, maybe I will get a second wind or something, though I taught today and yesterday so usually on Thursdays I'm more tired. I guess I'll find out when I wake up and go tomorrow morning.

I need to lose 3 lbs by Monday. I'm going to NYC this weekend so hopefully I will lose weight while I'm there. I usually do so I better!! I need something that will jumpstart me. Although, if I need to lose 3 lbs by Monday then I need to be jumpstarted way before this weekend. Ugh.

That's all.

(Miss Blue, I always try to read your blog but have problems getting there and it pops up funny.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dialogue

Here's the conversation J. and I had last night while standing in the kitchen.

ME-
"I gained 2 pounds."

"Good."

"No, it's not good. I need to lose 8 pounds."

"You do not need to lose 8 pounds. You need to gain weight."

"Uh, no I don't."

I don't know why but he thinks I'm "sexy." Um, okay whatever. Oh, I just realized something. He probably had his glasses off when he said that. Ahhh, now that makes sense.

Monday, March 12, 2007

A PTC original

I didn't eat dinner and I'm still fat.
Someone please tell me, what's up with that?
I'm not really sure what I should do.
Maybe I should go make myself spew.
I feel nasty and look it too.
I should be like that woman who lived in her shoe.
I have fat rolls all over my body.
I don't know why J. thinks I'm a "hottie."
I just want to lose eight little pounds.
I guess it's good, I don't like Mounds.
Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don't.
Don't force me to eat them, because I won't.
I just spilled green tea on my sweater
Maybe it's because I am a heffer.

I'm so sick of being fat.
I wish I could be a kitty cat.

Maybe some day I will be skinny.
Until then, I'll live in self-pity. (not really)

I don't want anyone to feel sad.
Worried or scared or even bad.

I need some chapstick so I will go.
I want to be as small as my toe.


I don't know why this is all messed up. I tried to fix it but couldn't.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I'm actually reading a book

I started reading the book Andrea's Voice by Doris Smeltzer. Now, I'm not a reader. In fact, I never read at all, except for Tracey Gold's book and Wasted. :) I can't put this book down.

The book, written by Andrea's mother, talks about Andrea's short struggle with an eating disorder. Andrea battled bulimia for just 13 months before it took her life. Excerpts from letters and poems that she had written are included in the book. However, Doris took out anything that might be triggering to readers, which upset me a little, though it is understanding.

I was reading one part where Andrea wrote about workout. She wrote that she "ran -- far in -- minutes." I found myself to be slightly angry over the fact that those facts were not included. I wanted to know how far she ran and how long it took her. Why? Because I'm a competitor and I want to compare my workouts to hers.

I've still got over 100 pages to read. I think I'll get back to it now before I go to sleep.

Don't worry...

I'm NOT starving myself and living off only breakfast.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Still fat...

and still really unhappy about it!!

Okay, that about sums it up. I saw my stomach today and it is so freaking fat and disgusting. GROSS!! That's all I thought. I was actually sitting with J. and I was like, "ew, I'm so gross." I don't even care what I say at this point. I'm fat. That's reality so he's going to have to deal with me saying it.

I think tomorrow eat my normal breakfast and then have nothing but tea and water all day. I can eat fruit too. I think that's going to be my game plan. We'll see what happens. If I could just do that for the next few weeks I'd be all set. I guess I should see how I do with just one day first. Blah!

I just want it all to GO AWAY!! My bones are my body and I want to see them. Not all of them, just some of them.

There's a hole in the toe of my sock. The dog I'm watching is driving me insane. I'm f'n huge, in case I haven't mentioned that before. I'm tired. I hate getting up to walk the little yapper dog at 5:30 AM when it's zero degrees out. He doesn't stop barking all day long. I'm drinking a bowl of tea right now.

I talked to JL. last night and drove her absolutely insane. We were on the phone for 2 hours and I did nothing but piss her up and frustrate her. I couldn't help help it. I didn't know what to say to her. I think I'm fat, that's it. What more can I say? Yeah, I'm sick of it, but I'd rather be sick of it and skinny than not sick of it and fat. Sorry JL.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Let the games begin

All J. ate yesterday was a yogurt. A YOGURT!! He said he was too busy to eat. (He does see a lot of patients, but that's no excuse). So, what am I going to do about it, besides cook really fattening food for him (that's mean)? I'm going to compete with him. Afterall, I'm big into competition. Two can play this game and this is just the game I need right now!

I need to f'n lose weight...NOW!!! It's time.

I'm hoping he has plans tonight because I'm still in a pissy mood and would rather be alone and fat than have him near me and have to be all chipper and fat!

What I need

I just figured out what I need. I need to be famous so I have people constantly telling me that I need to lose weight. Look at Carrie Underwood, she lost a ton of weight, though she didn't even need to. I'm sure she has people, just like everyone else in the entertainment business, telling her that she needs to look a certain way and be smaller. That's what I need!!! Any volunteers?? I'm sure hundreds of thousands of dollars would help with that too.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Getting old

This is getting old and I'm getting fatter! I really don't know what to say. I'm just getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter!!! I couldn't be more happy right now! Oh joy! I love it!!

Any food I put in my mouth leads to weight gain. Therefore food=fat!! Like I didn't already know that. I needed the reminder of my scale! Good job!! My weight was fine all day until I ate dinner. Granted, I weighed myself right after I ate just to see what the damage was. 1.8 lbs was the damage. I'm hoping that I drank a lot of water.

I had spaghetti for dinner. See...I EAT!!! Anorexic people do not eat spaghetti!!

AHHHH!! I just hate it. That's all I can say. I'm so f'n sick of this shit!! Same thing every day!! I wake up and am consumed by stupid thoughts about my weight, the gym, food, fat, etc. It never fucking leaves my head. I hate it!! I've weighed myself, hmm, I think 9 times so far today. I forgot I was counting so that might be incorrect but I think it's pretty accurate. I'll probably weigh myself 4 more times before I go to bed. Who's having more fun than I am right now. Oh, probably the people who have their heads in the toilet! (that is not meant to offend anyone).

I'm just on a freaking rampage right now. I just want to lose friggen weight!!! I can't f'n take it anymore.

I stepped out of my body for about 3 seconds today and thought, how the hell to people deal with people like me?? It was an interesting thought. Seriously, thank goodness I don't walk around telling people how fat I am all the time because that would be extremely annoying! Seriously! I would hate to be my therapist. That's probably why I don't go to one.

Ok, that's my rant for the evening, or for now at least.

----MORE---

Okay, Carrie Underwood is so skinny now. It's so not fair! I've loved her since her audition on AI. She's got an amazing voice and is beautiful. Now she's a stick. WTF?? I want to be a stick!!!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Why be idle during Idol?

This is my wonderful third post of the day. I'm absolutely, disgustingly huge and would love to just make myself vomit, but is that really an option?? Well, it is but I'm not going to go there tonight. Instead I'll just ride our stationary bike from 1913 while I watch American Idol tonight. Maybe, just maybe I'll burn a calorie or two.

That lasted long

I knew my positivity post wouldn't remain at the top of my page for very long. Not to say that I still don't like my feet, ankles, wrists, and calves, because I do, there are just more things that I dislike. I won't even list them because that would take a really long time.

I know, as you all have told me, that I need to get rid of my scale. I can't stand that stupid thing anymore. I am on and off it all the time hoping that it will go down and it's not budging. It's pissing me off. I'm doing everything I can, short of starving myself and puking, that I can do. I think I've weighed myself 4 or 5 times in the past 2 hours. Clothes on, clothes off, pee, clothes off, clothes on...and so it goes. If only I could place bets on how much I weigh each time I get on and off that damn thing. I could be rich by now.

I've got until Monday to reach my first weight goal, since I blew it and didn't reach it this week. I'm going to chalk that up to being away and not getting my usual workouts in. Though clearly, those aren't doing me any good. I did 1 hr 45 min of cardio today and only burned 550 calories. I need to spend all weekend at the gym. I seriously do.

J. has a date planned for us on Saturday afternoon. He won't tell me what it is. All I know is that I am to wear sneakers and workout clothes. Woo hoo, I'll get to burn calories!!!! Maybe it will be something fun. I'm sure it will be.

Enough ranting and raving about my grossness. I'm just so frustrated and fed up with this damn weight!

My favorite body parts

I figured that since I'm always so negative about my body, I'd say something positive today. (I'm sure I'll go home and weigh myself and then have something mean to say about myself later).
Now, without further adieu...my list of what I like most about my body.

My feet
My wrists
My ears
My ankles
My calves

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Running and headaches

I don't know why, but I get a headache everytime I run. I'm not sure if it's a dehydration thing or if my head is just so empty that my brain jiggles around and then it hurts. Who knows. I do know that it's not aiding with my weight loss, or lack there of.

It's funny, I used to be such a good little anorexic in high school. I don't know what happened. I suck at it now. It's not like I'm eating a ton of food but apparently I need to eat a lot less. I actually need to go weigh myself right now, but I'll wait until I'm done with this.

What would it be like to wake up one morning and have no thoughts about weight, food, exercise, body, etc?? What would that be like?? I've had those thoughts every morning, everyday, and practically every minute for the past 14 years of my life. That's over 5000 days!! Oh well, not much I can do about it now, is there? Nope.

I just have to focus on losing weight right now. Positive affirmations!! We'll see what happens.

Gotta do something

I've got to get my butt into gear! I need to start getting up earlier so I have more time at the gym but that's going to be hard considering the fact that we push the clocks ahead this weekend.

I only had time to workout for 70 minutes. I ran 7 miles and then biked for a little bit. I wish I could have stayed another 30 minutes but I couldn't. I hate that. At least tomorrow I will workout for a while because I have to teach.

I'm really having issues with the fact that I can't lose weight. I don't know what I can do. It's just really frustrating and I need go get over this hump. Eight pounds, that's all I'm asking for. Can't it just go away?? Make it go away NOW!!

I think I need to start going to the gym twice a day. That might be my only hope. I don't know. I need to do something!

I just remembered this dream I had last night. I dreamt that I stepped onto my scale and it said I weighed 90 lbs. I was so excited, yet skeptical. I didn't believe that it was correct. So, what did I do?? I stepped on it again. Too bad it was a dream.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Howdy from Texas...the video

Jen (JL) has posted a video that we made during my visit to Texas. You can check it out, if you dare, on Jen's website.

Br@ken thumb

Well, five weeks after getting hit in the thumb I finally decided to go get it x-rayed, not like anything can be done for it, which is why I didn't go in the first place to see if it was broken. Well, it's broken! Now I guess I'm just waiting for my doctor to call me and tell me it's broken and tell me if I need to go see and ortho.

Perhaps they've lost my file again. I guess I'll just wait and see. J. seems to think I did some ligament damage to it, but who knows. He didn't think it was broken so I'm not listening to him anymore. ;)

Texas, Part 4...the animals!

Are you looking at me? Actually, it was coming right towards me.
This is not me on this guy, but I did get on there and took a pic with him.


How cute!

Head butting. Don't know what these guys are.




Sunday, March 04, 2007

Missing people?? (Texas Part 3)

(THIS IS THE THIRD POST ABOUT TEXAS, ALL OF WHICH WERE WRITTEN ON THE PLANE)

I woke up to a text from J. saying "I love you. I love you. I love you. That's all I have to say." Um...okay. He also left me a message saying that he loved me. Oh dear.

Here's my dilemma. I didn't miss him while I was down there. That's a problem now, isn't it?? I didn't miss anyone really, except my cats, but you'd think I'd miss him. What does that mean you guys?

My niece wanted to fly home with me. She got sad and mad when I left and really wanted to come with me. I was sad to leave her and I miss her. She's so freaking adorable. I love her to death. She's so cute!!

Okay, my contacts are so dry. Maybe I'll take them out.

I'm going to give my airplane lunch to the guy next to me. On the way down it was something that resembled a Hot Pocket. I'm sure that is what it will be now. The salad they serve is decent though.

Time to rest.

The Livestock show (Texas Part 2)

I went to the livestock show with my bro, sis-in-law and my niece yesterday. Ok, let's just say that I think I had the most fun out of anyone. When we got there we saw these huge cow-like things, but they weren't cows. They had humps on there backs by their necks. Saw one peeing and thought it was going to shoot out at us, then saw another one taking a dump...and what a dump it was!

Then I went and sat on what looked like a long-horn but I don't think it was, according to our friend we were with who's from Texas who said it was something else. Don't remember what though. So, I got my picture taken on that and I loved it. I'm telling you, I had so much freaking fun!!

Then we went over to the petting zoo. I bought some feed and brought my niece in there. She was a little scared and I got attacked by like five different animals when I walked in with my ice-cream cone and feed. (They put the feed in the cone). I know ya'll just thought I was eating an ice-cream cone, didn't ya? A llama, a few goats and a deer were all trying to get the food. The llama and I were face to face. One of the goats was pawing at my leg, another one jumped on me. It was funny! I've got some pretty funny pictures too. My niece was a little scared and overwhelmed I think. She did like the baby goats. A deer also started eating my sweatshirt. That was pretty funny. It kept chewing on it. Ha!

We walked around a little more and that was it. I really wanted to buy a shirt or something but didn't get back inside to look at the shops. I also tried to buy cowboy boots but they didn't have my size! Bummer!

So, that was my day at the Livestock show. I LOVED IT! I wanted to stay all day.

I'm still on the plane, cruising at 37,000 feet. There's some cloud coverage below us. My left arm is falling asleep I think.


Hanging with Jen (Texas Part 1)

I flew into Texas on Thursday and my bro picked me up from the airport. We headed straight to College Station to go to a soccer game. That was also where I was meeting up with Jen (J.L).

So, I got there and we did what we had to do and then I met up with Jen. She and I hung out for about two hours before heading back to the soccer game. She drove me around the town and we went shopping (kind of). I was on the hunt to a Texas A & M sweatshirt because it was cold out. We went to the mall and a few other stores, then we went to Barnes and Noble to look at the "Thin" book. We were nuts.

We went a few other places in search of a sweatshirt and had no luck. We made a video on in Jen's car...something she likes to do quite a bit. Check out her blog for that. Then we went back to the stadium to see the soccer game. Both of us were on tv, by the way, watching the game. Not that you would have seen us, but I saw us when I watched it on DVR the next day.

So, we froze our asses off at the game. My hands were literally purple. Seriously, very purple. Right Jen?? :) It was so fun hanging out with her. I felt like I knew her so it wasn't like we were meeting for the first time. She's as crazy in person as I thought she'd be. I, on the other hand, am completely normal!! :)

So that was my night with Jen. Hope she had fun.

Oh, so I'm sitting on the airplane right now. There is a nice guy (my age) next to me. He's a doctor. We chatted and he offered me a cookie (Of course I took him up on that. Ha! Kidding). His girlfriend is a doctor too. Smart people...and then me. It's always good to have a little nice conversation.

So now I have to write about my day yesterday.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Stay tuned

I'm leaving TX tomorrow so I will be blogging like mad on the plane. Don't want to take the time to do it now, as I am visiting my my family. So, I'll write tomorrow and post when I get home tomorrow night.

What's to come? JL and PTC's night out in College Station. The rodeo!! Yeehaw!

Friday, March 02, 2007

My thoughts right now...

I'm fat!
I need to starve myself!
I'm tired.
I need to weigh myself.
I'm scared as hell to weigh myself.
I need to run tomorrow.
I need to go to bed.
I need to lose 10 pounds!
My stomach is huge.
I wish I could throw up sometimes.
I'm really tired.
I wish I could throw up now.
I need to go to bed.
I will lose weight NOW!

Everything's bigger in Texas...

INCLUDING ME!!!!

Yes, I'm here. I'm having fun and I'M FAT!! :) No scale in the house. I'm about to go for a run. I feel the poundage accumulating all over me. I just love it!

I got a little sunburned! Nice!

Thoughts from the Plane (posting the day after)


I'm cruising at an altitude of 34,000 feet right now. I can't see the ground because of the cloud coverage, though during take-off I had a nice view on New York City. Obviously, I won't be able to post this until I have safely landed and have arrived at my destination, which won't be until after midnight, as I have some pit stops to make first.

Last night I got to see my friend J., whom I haven't seen in a long time. I just realized that I have a lot of J. named friends. He met me at the seminar and then we grabbed a cup of coffee. It was nice to see him. Ironically enough, he's now working in real estate so maybe he can help me find a place in the Big Apple.

I headed back to my friend's place, where I was staying for the night. I was bummed that I got back there later than I expected so we didn't get to hang out at all. She's also been sick for the past five days so she needs her rest. The stomach flu no less. Gee, wouldn't it be ashame if I got that and couldn't eat for a week? I just can't get it until after I get home from my trip, but hopefully I won't really get it at all.

I decided I hate trying to get a cab and I hate taking the subway out of "my area." I had to wait forever for the subway last night too, which completely drives me insane!!

I have 3 more hours left on this flight and I don't know what I'm going to do. I brought a few dvds (Thin and Girl Interrupted), neither of which I feel like watching. I need something funny to watch. I'm sick of serious things. I need to have some fun!!

I got my bloodwork back, kind of. They lost my file and finally found it yesterday. They called and told my mom that everything was "wonderful" with my bloodwork. :) (BIG SMILE) I knew it would be,. They are mailing me the results.

On a "bad" note, it's not all that bad, I have to go get my thumb x-rayed. I got hit with a ball 4 weeks ago and it is still swollen and still hurts a little. It bruised like crazy when it first happened but it went away farely quickly. I had J. look at it because he's a physical therapist and he said it was probably just a bone bruise. Looking at it now, he seems to think I did some ligament damage and thinks I should go to an ortho. He also said that there could be a chance I'd need to have surgery on it. Now, it doesn't really hurt that much so I could totally live with it, although there definitely is something messed up with it. Oh well, I guess I won't get that looked at until next week.

I couldn't weigh myself this morning so I have no idea where I am with that. I'm trying not to think about it. I did a lot of walking yesterday. Well, I guess it wasn't all that much but I walked very briskly and felt like it was a good workout. I also worked out in the morning.

Speaking of working out. I'll hit the gym at my bro's place in the morning and Saturday morning too. Today there will be no working out, nor will there be any working out on Sunday. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I have been sitting on a plane for 2 hours and still have 3 more hours left to sit here. Did I mention that it's freezing on this plane?? I actually turned my laptop on so I could get warm from it, although it sort of feels like they turned the heat on in here.

I guess I don't really have much else to say. At some point I'll try and take a nap I guess. First I need to put on some chapstick..