Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Getting ready to go

I'm leaving my house in 2 hours to head to the train station so I can head to NYC for the evening. I will leaving for TX in the morning. I can't wait to go south! I've never been to TX before so I'm really psyched. I'll get to see my bro and my niece. I'll also get to catch a soccer game with JL. Ha! :)

The good news... there's a gym where my brother lives. He lives in, hmm, I guess it's like a little community of houses where there's pools, a park, etc...and a gym!! Woo hoo. I apparently have to "watch out for alligators though." Interesting.

So, I'm still "fat." I know that I'm not overweight, but I do look at myself and see fat. I get that. The 2 pounds I gained is not helping me at all. I hope that by the time I get home on Sunday I will have lost those 2 plus one for good luck! :) I'll be anxious to get home and step on my scale. I just need to lose 8 pounds. That's really not too much to ask for, though it might be...I'm not really sure.

Maybe I'll blog, maybe I won't. We shall see. :) Maybe I should take a few days off, doctor recommended. ;)

See ya'll!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Packing, Idol and what else but...

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor trying to pack for my trip. I am mostly packed, and I even packed light, but I need to pack a few more "winter" weather clothes. My ass is starting to hurt from sitting on the floor.

I've got American Idol on. It's too boring just to sit and watch so at least I can do something while I'm watching it. I checked out the FAA regulations for what I can "carry on" because I'm not going to bring a big suitcase. I may be away from blogging until Sunday, so if you don't hear from me, that's why. Don't get nervous. ;)

So, I've set some goals for myself...Weight goals. I'm sure I won't attain them but I'm sure as hell going to try. I have until Tuesday to get to the first one, then I have until the following Monday to get to the next one. Now, I don't think I'll have a problem reaching the first one, the second one may be tough. The third one...hmm, that could be really tough and perhaps unattainable unless I do it in an unhealthy manner, which I don't really want to do but I guess it depends on how far I want to (or unwillingly) push it. I guess we'll see.

I have one week to reach the first one and I have no real way of monitoring my progress since I will be away from my scale until Sunday night! Ugh! I just hope that my brother doesn't feel like eating out every night, which he probably will because his wife never cooks. Although, maybe that's a good thing because I can get salads every night. :)

I don't know what to wear tomorrow. I'm going to NYC and staying over there. I'm going to a seminar tomorrow night and then I fly out Thursday morning. The streets in NY are going to be all nasty so I don't want to wear nice boots, but I need something for my feet while I'm away. Oh the dilemmas.

Hopefully I'll get tan while I'm away, though I'll really only be gone for two whole days. I need to soak up the sun baby!! GET ME TAN!!!

Okay, I need to do something productive now. My writing is not it.

The "L" word

Okay, so it snowed a little bit here over the past two days. Last night J. came over and we went sledding. How fun is that? Anyway, that got old pretty quickly so we decided to take a walk to the lake on my street. Okay, I can't lie, we both broke out into a run and ran the entire way, which wasn't that far. We got to the lake and walked over the little bridge. I used to go here a lot when I was a kid. The bridge leads to woods which, if you walk through, can lead to the other lake. (There are four "lakes" on my street. They're all connected, but there are 4 separate beaches. All very small I might add. So the bridge is over a stream that leads to the last lake.)

I took him back into the woods to the other side where this is this mini beach which I call "the island." It was so nice. The snow was falling and it was so peaceful. We sat down on the island and had wild sex. Just kidding!! We sat on the island and chilled. I must say, it was very romantic. Then we headed back (broke out into another run once we hit the street) and he started writing something in my driveway. He wrote "I (a heart) U." So I go "What does 'I heart V' mean?" Of course I had to make it into a joke. Yeah...so that was that. There's actually more to it but it's too long to write. He said he was going to say it to me on the phone the other night but then thought it would have been cheesy and wanted to say it in person.

We then proceeded to play pictionary. Here is some of our artwork. Then we went out for coffee. I think I draw better with my feet than my hands. Actually, I know so.

J. wine glass
palm tree, of course (j's leg and finger)

my cat and then a boat on it's head (another picture)

So yeah, I'm still in my "detoxing" phase to get rid of these pounds. They're going away. I just need more of them to go away...like 8 total. That would be nice. I'm almost back to "normal" but not quite. GO AWAY LBS!!

So, that's my life in a nutshell. My ass hurts because I'm sitting on the heating vent on my kitchen floor. (don't laugh, JL!).

Monday, February 26, 2007

"Fatty Girl"

I was showing my mom the new clothes I bought the other day. I help up my dragon shirt so she could see it and on the back it says "Fatty Girl." I cracked up and thought, how appropriate. It's clearly very appropriate for me right now. I have gained like 278 pounds. Okay, maybe not that much but I gained a couple and it's driving me insane. I'm not really sure of the cause but I need to find a way to get rid of those pesky pounds.

I wanted to stay at the gym all day today, but couldn't for obvious reasons (work). Ugh! I hate this. I need to start doing some serious restricting if I want to lose weight. I really just don't get why I am gaining weight. I don't think I'm eating any more than I was before. There's really no reason for this. I need to just not eat. How hard can that be? I used to know ways of getting around the growling stomach. It's not like I forgot what they were, I just need to start using my methods again. Perhaps it will work, perhaps it won't. All I know is that I have to do something because it really is bugging me. I just don't get it.

Time to shower.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Snow is coming

We're going to get some snow tonight, which means that I get to shovel the driveway tomorrow morning before hitting the gym. I just have to make sure I get out there before the stupid plow man comes.

I feel like blogging but I really don't have anything to write about. It seems to be the same thing everyday these days. I can't lose weight for the life of me. Maybe I will while I'm away this weekend. Oh yeah, I'm going to Texas for a almost 4 days. I leave on Thursday. I'm still trying to decided whether or not I should bring my laptop. I'm going to see my bro and they have a computer, but there is no way that I want to get on their puter and check blogs and stuff. I get too nervous about that stuff. I also don't feel like lugging my laptop around everywhere. It's heavy and a pain in the ass. I don't know what to do. I know I'll probably end up bringing it. I can hear my mother now, "you're bringing you computer?!" I'll just tell her it's so I can watch DVD's on the plane. Maybe I should bring THIN and watch that for the 100th time.

I don't want to eat dinner. I'm really not hungry at all but now that my parents are home I guess I have to eat dinner. I told them I wasn't hungry. Oh, maybe I didn't tell them that. See, if they were still away I wouldn't have to eat dinner. I did go to a party this afternoon so I can tell them I ate there, which I did. I ate a ton of fruit.

I don't know what to do. I just want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. And this is where I'll end this because this is where I start saying the same thing that I've been saying over and over again.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Does it really matter?

I ran 8 miles this morning and then rode the bike for a mere 10 minutes. I would have liked to have worked out longer but I had to leave to get ready to go out. Now I know that one run isn't going to make me lose weight, but you think it might help. It didn't. I'm still fat and getting fatter. I really need to just stop eating all together. That would be my best bet. I need to do something, that's for sure. (I've never said that before. Ha). Ugh...it never changes now does it?? Someday.

I
Just
Need
To
Get
Skinny
That's really all there is to it!!
All I have to do is do it.
It shouldn't be that hard.
All I have to do is starve.
I need to lose this weight
Before it is too late,
And I get even fatter
I may as well eat cookie batter.
I need to lose 6 pounds.
I'm causing earthquakes on the ground.
Actually, maybe I want to lose eight.
I think that would be great.
I'm a really bad poet.
But at least I know it.
I'm not trying to be good
Just telling it like I should.
I think I'll go to bed early tonight so I can hit the gym early and stay there for 12 days. I think J. and I are going to try and go skating after, which would be fun. Snow is coming so we have to get on the ice before the snow does. It totally ruins it, which sucks.
So that's it. Maybe I'll write more later, but there's nothing exciting to write. Seriously, how many times can I write that I am friggen fed up with my weight. I hate it. I just hate it. I really just wish I had the discipline to starve myself. At least you don't have to read about it. I still have to write about it because it's a never ending friggen feeling. I want it to GO AWAY. Actually, I just want to be skinny and it won't go away until I am skinny. So, first things first.

Bye bye freedom

My parents will be home from their two week vacation in about 45 minutes. My freedom will soon come to an end. :(

My mom called to see if I wanted them to pick me up anything for dinner. I declined the offer. First of all, I'm not hungry, and I had a big lunch and I weigh too much. I just need to lose weight. Broken record, I know.


I'll finish this later. The rents will be home soon.

Friday, February 23, 2007

I hate my weight

Ew, I'm fat!!! Seriously, I can't deal. I just weighed myself and I weigh two pounds more than I should weigh for my normal nighttime weight right now. I'm sure that sounds a little obsessive, huh? Oh well.

I was planning on running at the gym tomorrow and now I'm really planning on running...and running for a long time. Ugh!

I was supposed to LOSE weight while my parents were away, NOT gain it!!! I feel like hopping on my treadmill right now. I don't know if that would help or not. I really don't understand how I gained 87 lbs.

I made pizza for some friends tonight, and yes, I ate some. I make it without cheese for me. I don't know how I'm so fat now. I HATE IT!!

I say this every freaking day. How many times can I say that "I'm fat" and that "I hate it?" Seriously, you'd think after so long I'd either stop eating all together or do something else about.

Ugh, I haven't weighed this much in a long time. It needs to go away. I need to not eat. I need to get skinny. I need to pee which means that I need to go weigh myself again and hope that the numbers will go down!

No help

I sat on the phone with a friend last night, trying to keep her on as long as I could so she wouldn't go throw up. I was unsuccessful. She went and puked and then called me back, only to hang up again so she could go stick her head in the toilet one more time. It's frustrating. I know it's a long road to recovery but it is so freaking frustrating to watch people do this to themselves and not be able to help them in anyway. I give up. There's nothing I can say or do to change anyone elses' behaviors so I'm done trying. I wasn't mad at her for doing what she did, just upset and frustrated.

This happened right before I went to bed, so while I was laying in bed I started thinking about how nice it would be to just be able to puke without having to stick your finger down your throat. A nasty thought, I know. That just means you've been doing it so much that you no longer need to hit the trigger to set off the gun. That's not a good thing, but I have to be honest and say that I really wouldn't mind being able to do that myself. Of course, I wouldn't want to feel like I needed to do that all the time, just sometimes; but really, who has that control, at that point in time, to decided when it is and isn't really necessarily to make yourself vomit? Not anyone I can think of. I think you'd end up seeing your reflection in the toilet bowl more than in the mirror.

It's really windy here today. I almost got blown over when I got out of my car. I did a little shopping after visiting a client, afterall TJ Maxx was on the way home. :) I bought a sweater that I'm not too sure about. I think it would look much better on me if my arms were little toothpicks. I also bought a pair of Levi's for $13. Are Levi's even in style?? I don't know but they fit me so I got them. It's rare that I can buy a pair of jeans that don't need to be hemmed. I tried on a pair of Polo Jeans but they were too long...SHOCKER! I also got a few shirts and a shirt for my sis. That was it. I really should have gotten gas too, but I didn't want to be outside.

So that's it. I want to get a "T@yger." It's a tiger/house cat. Some guy is breeding them. I don't really know how I feel about all this cross-breeding and messing with genes and crap. I think it's going to mess with the world way too much. Things seemed to be going fine so far, why do we have to mess with science and the universe, unless of course some good comes out of these things for medical purposes.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

88

My obsession with working began in high school. Before I even joined the gym I would work out in my house. We had a StairMaster, aerobics tapes, and some other stuff so I'd work out. Most of the time I did the StairMaster for over an hour with a plastic raincoat on so I could sweat off some pounds. (obviously just water weight but I didn't really realize that at that point).

One day, after my friend told me that her mom, who happened to be one of my teachers, measured out how far a mile was in her basement so she can walk it, I thought I'd do it. My house is set up like so...the kitchen goes into the dining room, which goes into the living room, which comes to a hallway, which comes back to the kitchen. I thought that would be the perfect loop to measure out. I could do laps inside my house. So, I took a yard stick and did the math. Measured out that I would need to run around the loop 88 times in order to make a mile. So, I did it. I ran 44 laps one way and 44 the other. I had to close the curtains at one point because I think my neighbor saw me running around. Oh well.

I don't know why I still remember that magic number today. I still do run around it sometimes, when I'm feeling really gross and am freaking out. I don't know why I just don't hop on the treadmill instead, but whatever.

So that's my story about 88.

It's kind of crazy that I've been completely obsessed with this for 14 years. I never thought I'd still be stuck here. Still trying to lose weight. Still working out. Still watching every morsel of food that goes into my mouth. Still weighing myself obsessively. Oh well. Such is life.

J. and the scale

My cat is sitting on my lap again. Actually, she is sleeping with her butt on one arm and her face on the other so this might be difficult.

I'm sitting on the heating vent on the kitchen floor so my ass hurts.

J. came over last night. He came straight from the gym so he went upstairs to take a shower. He asked if I would go move the scale for him so he could weigh himself. I told him that he could move it but he said that he was never touching it again after the last incident. I tried to tell him that it was okay but he wanted me to move it for him.

So, I moved it and he weighed himself. I left and he showered. I snuck back in the bathroom while he was showing, he heard me open the door, and I weighed myself. The number freaked me out but I knew it was wrong. It had jumped up like 8 lbs in an hour, so I knew it was from the steam in the bathroom. I didn't get scared about it. So when J. got out of the shower I weighed myself again and it was back to normal. Then I decided to shed some of my layers and weigh myself again to see what it was. I took everything but my long, long sleeve t-shirt off and the number dropped. I stepped on the scale once again to make sure it was right. The same number came up. I tried to step on one more time to really make sure it was right but J. stepped in front of me and wouldn't let me get back on. I thought it was pretty good of me to be able to weigh myself in front of him, though I think he noticed I might have been a little obsessive about it.

We came downstairs and we looked at the picture of the two of us from NY the other day. He said it was a good pic. I agreed, but then said I "looked fat." He said, "That's called an eating disorder." Eh, at least he's okay with it. He's going to have to be.

This morning I went to get my blood work done so all you bloggers will get off my back. (just kidding). I'm not worried. I'm sure everything will be just normal. I'll call my doctor's office on Monday and have them fax me the results. Maybe I'll set up and appt. for a physical too, since I haven't had one in, um, 8 yrs??

I must get back to work now. I'd like to take a nap but that will have to wait until later.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

My cat is sitting on my lap

J.'s coming over in a little bit so I wanted to get some blogging done before I have no privacy. The question as to whether or not I'd want to spend more time with J., if I didn't have these "eating issues," was posed to me by one of my friends today. My response to her, "what eating issues? I don't have any eating issues." (In a joking manner of course.) I guess I can't really answer because I don't know. I have no idea!!

I'm still (like that ever changes) really fat right now. I hate it. It's driving me insane. I need to lose 57 pounds. (Okay, not literally). I feel that way though. Blah!!

I'm going to get my blood work done tomorrow. I haven't had it done in about 8 or 9 years, if not more, not counting the blood work I had done last summer to test for a genetic disorder. I don't know my cholesterol and stuff like that, so that's why I'm going to get it done. I have to go fasting so I will go first thing in the morning and then head to the gym.

I don't really know what else to say. I'd like to not feel fat at some point in my life time. I told J. I looked fat in a picture of us from the other day and he said, "No you don't." I said, "How do you know, you haven't seen the picture." He said, "But I see you and you are not fat." Why is he such a good guy?? He really is. I don't deserve him. He really looks out for me. I just don't get it.

Oh yeah, he wants me to go away with he and his parents for a few days in June. Um, that's a big step. Oh well. I don't know what else to write.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Bedtime rant

I'm so sick of this. I hate this and I don't even know what "this" is. I hate having to weigh myself all the time. I hate stepping on the scale and hating what I see and then getting pissed off about it. I hate wanting to eat and telling myself I shouldn't eat because I'll get fat. I hate not being able to just lose weight and be skinny. I hate that it's never enough. Never enough working out, never enough calories burned. I hate feeling fat all the time. I hate the weight that I'm at.

I just want to be skinny...

I just need to lose some weight and get nice and toned. Why is that so difficult???


This started out as an email to a friend but I decided to just post it so I wouldn't bring her down.

I've often wondered...

What it would be like to eat what I want to when I want to. Seems like such a simple thing, doesn't it? Not so much.

I went to BJ's today, you know the wholesale club like Sam's, Costco, etc., and I bought a new cookbook. I bought "Cooking Light's" dessert cookbook. I was flipping through it while I was waiting to check out and realized that these desserts, while are "light" are still too fattening for me. In order for something to not be "too fattening" for me it needs to be less than three grams of fat. Now, that's not saying that I don't eat things with more fat in them than that, but I can't see myself making a dessert and eating a piece of pie/cake/whatever it may be if it has 8 or 10 grams of fat in it. I can't do it. I eat dessert, but I'm more of a picker. I'll try a little here and there, but never have a whole piece of something. Like I said, I eat fat...I eat peanut butter (reduced fat but it's still 12 grams of fat per serving) and I eat other things. I definitely eat enough of everything, but when I see the nutritional facts on those desserts I freak a little.

I can't imagine having NO thoughts about how much fat or calories is in something. I can't imagine sitting down in a restaurant and ordering something that I really want instead of ordering soup or salad because it's what's "safe." I can't imagine eating what I really want instead of what is okay for me to eat.

While in BJ's, I realized that it's like a binge eaters Disney World. Food everywhere. Candy galore, desserts, chips, cheese, EVERYTHING. I'd go for the candy and the desserts myself, then maybe some dried fruit and Chex Mix. Of course I leave there with none of that stuff, but if I would love to have it all.

I also wonder how much easier my life would be if I didn't have to live two lives. I spend so much time faking and pretending to be "normal" and pretend to not have any eating issues. I hide my weigh-ins (not like anyone's going to see them anyway) and not talk about how I really feel with my family and friends. I can't imagine what it would be like to say to my mom or dad "I don't want to eat tonight. I'm too fat. I feel like I'm living two different lives.

I totally shouldn't have weighed myself a few minutes ago either. When am I going to learn that I should stop weighing myself? Probably never. I get on there and realize that I'm fat and tell myself that I need to stop eating. Unfortunately I keep eating. I need to stop. I need to workout more. I need to lose weight. I need to be skinny...I want to be skinny.

Blah!

Gym phobias

I was walking by the mirror in my gym this morning on my way to teach class when I glanced over and got a look at my arms. Oh wait, let me rephrase that...my FAT ARMS! I was completely disgusted by them and grossed out. Not only did I have to see them for the next hour (and my life) while I was teaching class, but the entire class had to look at them. They're probably thinking nice role model she is with her fat arms. So that was lovely!!

There's this woman at the gym who is very nice, but whenever I am on the bike and she walks by and says hello she touches my back/side and that drives me insane! I cannot stand when people touch my love handles. I get so grossed out and think Oh, now they know how fat I am. I usually try to hide it under my shirts. I hate when people touch my arms too (shocker). The worst part about this woman touching me is that her daughter was anorexic so every time she touches me I feel like she's trying to scope out my fat or something. I know that's not the case and she's just saying hi and being friendly, but that's where my mind goes anyway. I'm pretty sure the woman knows that I have some sort of eating issue. Afterall, her daughter was anorexic and she trains with my friend H. so I'm sure that some chatting goes on at some point in time. Oh well, I can't really worry about it. It does make me want to lose weight though. I just don't want people touching my fat!

With that said, I need to go to work. Perhaps I will continue this later.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Seeing isn't believing

So, I just visited Esperanza's blog. She has a picture of her and her man on there. They are so adorable. I've seen pictures of Frida, Esp, AE, EJ, Stella, (I'm sure I'm missing someone) and you're all so beautiful. It's so hard for me to believe that you guys could be (or have been in the past) so cruel to yourselves. I look at you guys and think, oh, you're all so beautiful and yet you're making yourself throw up, etc. It makes me sad. I wish you could all see yourselves the way everyone else sees you!!

You're beautiful the way you are...this one's for the girls.
-martina mcbride

Boyfriends and disordered eating

This post will probably be all over the place. I want to write but don't really have anything to write about so I'm just going to write whatever pops into my head, which I guess is what I do most of the time anyway.

So, I have no idea how I managed to score a boyfriend with disordered eating. I must say, it works out quite nicely sometimes. I can get away with not eating a lot. It does, however, drive me insane at the same time. He never eats and it bugs me. He'll go most of the day on a cup of coffee or a Nutri-grain bar or something. Ugh!! Totally drives me insane. I want to sit there and shove food down his throat. The other day he came over for lunch at 2:30 (hadn't eaten anything prior to that) and for "dinner" he had pretzels and hummus. Um, that's not dinner. He did he a "normal" lunch and some cookies that I had made him, but still. EAT!!!!

On Valentine's Day he ate the dinner I had made and then had ONE cookie. He said "I feel like I need to go to the gym now." I should be happy that I have a boyfriend that is as nuts as I am but it sucks because I want to cook and bake for him and make him eat. I'm Italian, we do that!!

I can't remember what I said to J. yesterday, but he responded with "That's how eating disorders begin." It's bugging me that I can't remember what I said to get such a response.

On another note, I don't feel like I'm skinny enough. (News flash). I just feel like there's so much fat for J. to grab onto. I'd rather he'd be able to grab my bones not my fat. I know, I know...guys don't like bones. Well, I'd feel better if he was grabbing my bones instead of my flab.

I think I'll stop writing now. I'm going to take a shower. It's 5 below zero with the windchill today. Nice, huh!? UGH!!! I think my house is going to blow over.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The weekend's winding down

It's flurrying on and off here today. I totally could take a nap but I have to start making dinner. I told J. I'd cook for him tonight. We were supposed to go ice skating but I kind of bagged out on him. I really don't feel like leaving my house or doing anything. I ran 8 miles this morning and then chopped ice on my driveway again. I almost fell 4 times and killed myself. This ice really needs to go away.

So, I'm making veggie pitas for us for dinner. I'm going to saute some spinach, carrots, peppers and onions and throw them in a pita with hummus. We'll see how it turns out.

J. and I had a good time in NYC. We headed in on Friday afternoon. Met my friend G. for dinner (yes, the veggie burger place) and then went back to her place. We hung out for a bit and then J. and I went out to do a little karaoke at our (the girls, not mine and J.'s) usual place. I think he enjoyed himself. We didn't stay out too late. I passed out as soon as we got back to G.'s place.

The next morning we got up. G and I went to Starbucks to get coffee for her and J. Then we went to the store to get stuff to make oreo brownies with. Then we walked around and came home. It was nice. I passed out on the train for a bit.

The veggie burger...

It was good, as usual. I ate probably 2/3 of it and brought the rest home. I felt so full and gross after eating it. I hate that feeling more than anthing.

I did manage to lose weight while I was there again. I haven't lost more weight, just back to where I should be so don't get concerned!!! I was up a pound and now I'm back down. :)

Enough about that. I'd like to take a nap right now but oh well. That's it for now.

Friday, February 16, 2007

The veggie burger

I'm getting ready to head to NYC with J. in a little bit, but I wanted to write quickly...I haven't left (blog world) yet. I'm eating mini bbq rice cakes, lunch of champions. Yes people, I usually DO eat more than that. I DO EAT, for those of you skeptics out there!!

I've decided that I need to lose 6 pounds. The magic number, which happens to be my number when playing sports. Just six, that's all. (sometimes I like to write the number out.)

Going out to dinner to get a veggie burger tonight. It's not just any veggie burger, it's the best veggie burger ever. Thinking about it freaks me out a little. I never order a "meal," it's usually just a salad with chicken or something. Nothing ever that comes between a bun. Although I do get the occassional panini or wrap. I don't know. I just get scared because it probably has like 700 calories in it, if not more. Okay, now I'm totally talking myself out of getting this thing. I'm freaking out about it. Even though I don't even eat the whole but I'm still freaking out. How much fat does it have? How many calories?? Then there's the side of veggies. Are they cooked in butter? Oil? What? Olive oil is okay, as long as they're not drenched in it. Who knows, maybe I should just get a salad. I know I'm going to feel like shit after I eat the burger. Last time I just ate half of it. Ugh!!

Okay, so while I don't think that I have an ED, I do know that my thinking is a little messed up. Whatever...it happens. I'm sure J.'s going to see a side of me that he hasn't seen before.

Speaking of J., I think he's starting to get on my nerves. He's always here. I was happy he didn't stay here last night. He stopped by for an hour and then left. He's such a nice guy. I don't know what my problem is.

Oh well. I have to get ready to go. This post is all over the place because I'm writing frantically. Ciao!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Annoyed...

With this new version of blogger. It will NOT keep me logged in so everytime I want to post a comment to either my blog or someone else's, I have to sign in. It's driving me INSANE!!

Do I continue?

I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I want to continue blogging. I'm sure I will, but I'm just not really feeling it right now. I'm just don't really feel like writing what I'm feeling and what's going on in my head. Besides, if I stopped writing you guys could all stop worrying so much about me.

Plus, how many times can I write how fat I am/feel? It's been said a million times. I'm like a broken record.

I don't know...

I do know I need to go outside and chop up the inch thick layer of ice that is coating my driveway before I fall on my ass and break my neck. No one would find me out there and I'd end up part of the frozen tundra, which would not be good. Everyone knows how much I hate the cold.

Oh, watched a good movie, Eight Below. Loved the dogs in it. LOVED THEM. They were so cute and smart. It was a little sad but I loved the dogs!!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

V-Day

Happy Valentine's Day. I think it's a pretty stupid "holiday" but whatever.

I'm making dinner for J. tonight. I made cookies too, and burned them. Oh well. It happens. I don't think I was supposed to grease the pan.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I wanna know...

Since you guys all seem to think that I am "declining" and "spiraling out of control" I'd love to know what it is that makes you think that. Maybe then I will be able to "see" it.

Onto other things...

I just got back from playing 90 minutes (3 games) of field hockey. We lost in the finals and I am pissed about that and now we're done playing which is sad. I burned 500 freaking calories playing tonight, which rocked the house, on top of what I burned at the gym this morning, so that was a good day. I think my legs will be tired in the morning and I have to teach again. Oh well.

So that's it. Maybe I'll have an apple, though I'm not really that hungry right now. I just had some pretzels.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Tired legs and so on

I passed out at 8:30 last night and woke up at 7 this morning. I was so tired from being outside in the cold weather that it just knocked me out.

My legs were so tired this morning from skating yesterday. I went to the gym and could barely do anything. Turned out to be a waste of a workout. I burned like 1/2 a calorie, which completely sucks but I just couldn't move.

Today is J's b-day so we're going out for sushi and then bowling. I am actually sick of sushi, since I only eat the cucumber rolls. Maybe I just won't eat or I'll get steamed broccoli or something. The good thing about it is that it's very low in calories.

J. told me the other night that I'm not allowed to get under 99 lbs. He was like "promise me you won't go under 99." I was like "I promise." That was a complete lie but who cares. If it happens, it happens. He's like, "you have that obsessiveness in you and I don't want anything to happen to you." It was kind of sweet.

Saturday he was here and he went in my bathroom and I could hear him moving my scale. I peaked over at him and yelled at him. I was like "What are you doing? Don't move my scale!!!" He was like "huh?" I said "Put it back and weigh yourself. You're going to mess up the calibration." He put it back and then pulled it out again so I yelled at him again. He was like "You keep yelling at me." I was like "Yeah, just don't tough my scale."

I'm a little sensitive when it comes to my scale...ya think?

That's it. I've gotta do some work.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Pond hockey


I went out with the boys today and played some ice hockey, or "pond hockey" as we call it up here. J. and I went to this lake by my house and some guys asked us if we wanted to play hockey. We said yes. It was fun. I was the only girl so I think they were probably thinking "ugh, we have a chick on our team!" ( I did look like a little boy with my had on though). I think they felt bad for me and passed me the puck a few times so I wouldn't feel left out.

I scored a few goals and I think they realized that I actually could play. I was a little hesitant to go full throttle because I didn't want to get killed by the guys. If I had pads on it would have been a different story. I did manage to knock this old man down, he was probably in his late 50s, but he had his stick between my legs. I didn't mean to knock him down.

It was great exercise and I am completely exhausted!! I'm going to bed soon. I also ran this morning and my legs were tired before I even did that so now they're really tired. Tomorrow's workout should be interesting.



Friday, February 09, 2007

Adorable!

I want one...Or two or three!!!

You can check all the pics out on Yahoo.

Good to go

I'm feeling better now. I went to the gym for a while and played the role of an exercise bulimic. I burned 700 calories during my workout so I am happy with that. My weight is back to where it should be right now and hopefully it will continue to drop a bit.

I knew while I was freaking out last night that I couldn't have possibly gained three pounds with one meal but all that didn't really matter at that time. All I was concerned about what getting those 3 lbs off me.

I worked out hard today and I feel good. I just need to drink a lot of water and keep flushing out my system. Hopefully then I will be good to go.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Feast freak out

I am freaking out a bit now over my dinner at my cousin's. I gained like 3 lbs eating that damn dinner. It was so salty that I'll probably retain 80 lbs of water. I'm trying to drink a ton of water right now. I got home and jumped rope for a few minutes, rode the bike for a few minutes and did some other random exercises. I'll be going to bed weighing almost 2 pounds more than I should weigh when I go to bed and that's freaking me out. I know I will be fine after a day or two but I can't get past the freak out mode right now. So many times I wish I would just make myself throw up. I know, that's not the answer and I don't want to go down that road.

I'll be hitting the gym really hard in the morning. I'm shooting for a two hour workout. I need to run and then I don't know what I'll do after that, maybe ride the bike or do the elliptical. Ugh, I hate this.

I must sound like I'm so f'd up. I hate that. I don't want people to think I'm a headcase. I think I'm relatively normal.

I just need to get skinny!!!

Break's over, part 2

I saw the black squirrel again this morning. I'm feeling really fat right now, and yes, fat is a feeling...a true physical one. I worked out and I'm going ice skating in a bit. I need to make some calls for work but the phone is in use right now. I'm tired and my contacts are dry.

I'm going to dinner at my cousin's house tonight. She's an amazing cook. She's Italian and her mom and aunts were in the restaurant biz. So, I'm already prepared to feel like crap after I eat there. I'll probably eat 87 bowls of macaroni (It's the best sauce in the world) and I'll be freaking out. I'll want to puke but I won't because that's not what I do. I'll feel absolutely disgusting. (I guess that would be "sitting with the feelings," like what Dr. Stacey has written about.) I think I'd rather just puke! I'll workout hard tomorrow and have two weeks to not have to eat dinner because my parents will be away. Last time I ate there I didn't eat as much as I thought I would. It's actually probably a "normal" amount of pasta but it's "too much" for me. I guess it's just one meal so how much can it really hurt me? I'll know when I get home and weigh myself and find that I've "gained" 3 lbs.

Okay, I need to do some stuff now.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Break's over

My blogging break is over, though I don't think I'll post anything serious right now. I just want to write about the black squirrel that I see on my way to the gym in the morning.

I first saw the squirrel last year. My sister had an albino squirrel in her yard, which I found to be humorous. So, I was driving to the gym a few days after she told me about her squirrel and I saw the black squirrel. I cracked up!

I told my friend who lives right by where I spotted the squirrel and she eventually saw it too...dead on the road.

I saw another black squirrel on Monday. I told my friend and she said "I saw it too." We both saw it in the same place. Then, I saw it again today and told her and she said "me too." We cracked up.

It's really fluffly, almost angora like. Weird.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Blogging break

I think I need to take a blogging break. I'm just so fed up with everything and can't take it. (not with you guys and not with me me, just stuff.) I just can't take it. Maybe it's because I'm in a bad mood or something, I don't know.

Whatever...I'm done writing for now.

J. And stuff

My parents are going away for two weeks. They're leaving Saturday and I can't wait to have the house to myself. I have been excited about this for a while until I realized that J. is probably going to want to spend a lot of time here with me. This is starting to bother me. I like my alone time. I'm looking forward to my alone time. It allows me to do a lot of things that I can't do when people are here, like convert all of my ED movies to DVD and talk on the phone without worrying about whether or not someone will hear what I'm saying. I also like to spend a lot of time on the computer, talking to my friends and blogging. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do that and that's starting to get me a little anxious.

Next week is J's bday and Valentine's Day. Ugh, a double whammy of having to spend a lot of time together. Don't get me wrong, I like him but I don't want to have to spend every waking minute with him. I want my ME time. Is that selfish? I guess if I wasn't leading "another life" it wouldn't be such an issue but it is. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much.

I'm not looking forward to driving to NY today. My boss is making me drive and I'm completely uncomfortable with that and I told him. So after a little arguing in the gym we decided that I would drive until we got into the city. Ugh. I just need to live in NY in my lonely little apartment with my two cats. No one to bother me or ask me questions. Peace and quiet!! Of course my friends would be close by.

I guess I'm just in a yucky mood today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to not have to worry about everything so much. I totally just forgot what else I was going to say.

Bossman just called. I've gotta go.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Frozen bougers

I should be going to bed but I had a request to blog, so here I go. (I needed to do it anyway).

I ran for the first time in 2 weeks this morning. I only made it 4 miles because I started coughing a lot. Then I did the elliptical. The good thing about being sick (not that I'm really sick anymore) is that my heartrate is higher than normal so I'm burning more calories. Always a nice thing.

I have to go to NY for work tomorrow. I just hope I get back in time for field hockey.

J. and I went ice skating tonight. It was so much fun. I used to go to this pond when I was younger. They had a fire going and there were only 5 others there so we had plenty of room to skate. We played some ice hockey, which I haven't don't in a while. I just wish I had all my hockey equipment on, but I don't own any. I had to give it back when my season was over. (I played in college).

It was 18 degrees out but it felt like 5 degrees (according to the weather channel). My mittens became my tissues and all my snots froze on them. Lovely, huh? Hmm, kind of reminds me of running in Central Park two weeks ago when it was 19 degrees out.

We skated for a while and then came back to my house and I fed him. We hung out and watched some TV. He said to me, "is there anything that I could say to you that would freak you out?" At first I couldn't think of anything and then I completely realized that if he told me that he loved me I would FREAK!! I'm so NOT there. He better not say those words anytime soon or I might throw up.

I don't really know what else to say. I haven't been able to keep up with everyone else's blogs lately but I will have more time soon, I hope. I'll be twitching tomorrow when I'm away from my email the whole day.

K, I'm shutting up now.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Packed weekend

Okay, I'm back...

I was in NY this weekend, hence the lack of posts and responses to you guys. I've got lots to write about so I best get started.

Went to dinner with J. on Friday night and met his parents. They were very nice and I liked them a lot. Things went well, minus the coughing attack I had at the table. Had one earlier in the store too, it was bad. I guess his rents approved of me as well.

Saturday I went to the gym and then to a hockey game and then to NYC to hang out with the girls. We were going to go out singing and dancing but since I had been sick and it was going to be 2 degrees out we decided to stay in. So, 5 of us gathered at my friend G. place for a little "pajama party."

G. and I cooked dinner. I made veggie chili and she made mac and cheese. I tried to get her to buy fat free cheese and I can't believe it's not butter but she didn't really go for that. So, she made a full fledged fatty mac and cheese dish, which a dime landed in while we were cooking, and I made the chili. (the dime thing was pretty funny. You had to be there).

We started the evening out by watching the Tyra Banks show. The one where she went on a TYRAid (ha ha) about what all the magazines were saying about her body. Well, it was fine to watch until the anorexic girls came on. I was a little uncomfortable and everyone else was making comments while I just sat there silently. (For those who know me, I'm not really a silent person.) Then we ate, played Taboo, and chatted. It was a blast. I felt like I was in college again, sitting around talking with the girls.

Today I looked at a few apartments, did a little browsing in some stores and hung out. I was in one of those really deep thoughts moods, which is never a good thing. G. could tell I was thinking but I failed to really share any of my thoughts with her. I'm just so bad at talking.

I've felt so fat and disgusting the past few days. I hate it. I don't know why. I came home and weighed less than when I left but I still feel nasty. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not being able to eat things that I really want. I'm sick of hating the way I look and how I feel. I see myself in the mirror and am like "gross."

I did manage to have a little hot chocolate today. G. is so good to me. She's trying to help me, she really is, but I'm such a stubborn f'er that it's not easy. She totally gets what I'm going through and she wants to see me happy and not so consumed by all this crap. I can totally be myself when I'm hanging out with her, but on the other hand I try not to let all of my feeling show because I don't want to her to see how much I'm really struggling (sometimes) and feel bad for me. So I try to hide it somewhat but I'm sure she can see right through that.

Back to the hot chocolate. So, G. got a non-fat hot chocolate from Starbucks and we got an extra cup so I could have a little. She poured a little in and I told her that that was good. Well, I turned my head and when I looked back, I caught her pouring more in. (you little bitch! I still love ya though). She was like "I thought I made it without you catching me." Um, not so much. Nice try. I did drink it and was okay with it, so whatever.

The train ride back was quiet. I thought so more. I wish I could stop thinking. Really! I just want to go eat the friggen chocolate chip cookie in Starbucks, or that toffee bar...and I can't. It's so stupid. I just can't do it. It's absolutely ridiculous that a piece of food can provoke so much thought, sadness and anxiety. So all of that drives me insane yet I still have no desire to change my behavior. Why? I don't get it.


I was given the name of a therapist (hate that word) for when I move to NYC. Someone I would actually go and talk to, and sort of looked forward to it...maybe, and she doesn't take my insurance. Figures. I say, "what's the point?" I shouldn't even bother going to anyone anyway. I'm so ambivalent.

I'm on a rampage tonight so I'm just going to stop now.

Friday, February 02, 2007

...

I'm fat and I don't want to go eat!

Yucky menu

I checked out the menu online for the restaurant we're going to tonight, but first I have to tell you this, which just happened and is happening now, actually, as I type. My mom just asked me what I was wearing tonight. She asked me if I was wearing my black pants suit. I was like "NO. Why would I wear a suit?" She is so not cool!! Um, whatever mom!

Okay, back to the menu. I can get a salad for dinner. Can't really be that big if it's only $4.50. That might look a little weird. Everything else is all seafood or oily pasta. Wonderful. I can just see it, "J. your girlfriend's nice but she doesn't eat." It's not even like I'm being picky because of calorie and fat content, I just don't eat seafood! Okay, so the pasta is a calorie/fat thing but whatever. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll have a minestrone soup or something.

I'd really like to eat a big bowl of macaroni or baked ziti right now, but that's not happening. The guilt that comes along with that is outrageous. Too bad that's the case, not that it's on the menu anyway. Ugh...should be interesting.

Feeling better

I actually think I feel better. Hmm. I'm still coughing and still tired and my throat still hurts a little but I am feeling better. I hacked up both of my lungs while trying to sleep last night. I think I'll go get myself some NightQuil (I know I spelled that wrong) so I can drug myself up tonight. I went through a bottle of cough syrup in less than two days. That's a problem.

So I'm going out to dinner with J. tonight...and his parents! I've never met them before so this should be interesting. I'm sure it will be fine. I just hope there's something on the menu that I will eat. Oh well.

I went to the gym this morning and rode the bike for an hour. I got a little sweat going, which was good. I managed to burn over 400 calories which is unheard of on the bike. My body was working really hard I guess. I will hopefully be back at it full force tomorrow. I know when I start running again, that's going to be difficult. I haven't run since the half marathon two weeks ago. Ugh! It's going to be tough.

I need to get my ass into shape. God, I feel like I'm so out of shape right now. I hate that. I need to just workout hard core. I didn't even lose any stupid weight while I've been sick. What's up with that? I guess I just have to work harder now.

K, I have to run out but I really want to take a nap. Oh well.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Sleep, and more sleep

I feel like I can't move off the couch. I'm just exhausted. I didn't even go to the gym this morning. I went to bed at 8:30 and didn't get out of bed until 7 AM. I did wake up many times throughout the night so I don't really know how well I slept. My throat still hurts, but not as bad as it did when I first woke up.

I feel like a lard, just sitting here. I can feel my muscles atrophying. (is that word?) I can't find my Emergen-C.

Okay, I need a nap.

It would be nice if I lost weight while I was sick. Atleast give me something good out of this.