Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Rough night (sleep-wise) ahead of me

I don't understand it, but I am feeling worse. I can't take a deep breath because I start coughing. I just feel like crap.

I went and played field hockey but I didn't do as much running as usual. I dropped back to play defense (the ball never came back there) because we were beating the teams so badly. So, I didn't really do much for most of the games.

Anyway, I'm going to drug myself with cough syrup and hope for the best. I have NO idea how I'm going to teach a boot camp aerobics class tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I got hit in the thumb with a ball and it's all swollen and bruised. It looks cool, though it does hurt.

I went to the doctor

So I finally decided, after hearing if from everyone and feeling worse today than I did yesterday, that it was time for me to go to the doctor. Ironically, my doctor's name means "palm tree" in Hebrew. Ha ha!! I don't think my name means anything in Italian. I think it's just a name.

So I went to the doc. I knew they'd weigh me so I weighed myself before I left with all my clothes and shoes on so I could see if my scale was accurate. Well, I weighed exactly the same at the doctor, so that's good. Atleast I know my scale is correct!! :)

Turns out I just have a viral infection which needs to "run its course." I figured that's what it was but I guess it's better to know that than get really sick. I asked my doc for a slip to get blood work done. She gave it to me and said "here are the things we check for in healthy women like you." Yes, she said HEALTHY! :) Nothing to worry about here people.

Now I'm home and going to take a nap before going to field hockey tonight. I should go lay on the floor with my cats and bask in the sunshine like they are.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Chuck the Chunk

I'm pissed right now because I've managed to gain 800 million pounds today and I don't know how. I haven't seen the scale say this much in a few months and I better never see it again either. I'm going to lose my freaking mind. I don't care that I'm coughing up a lung, I need to run tomorrow and work out really hard. I can't take this. How the hell could I get so fat???

I need to just starve myself. I won't have to eat when my parents go away for two weeks and then when I move to NY I won't have to sit down and eat dinner with anyone either. I can walk around the city all day and starve myself.

I feel like I should go workout now. (sometimes work out is one word for me, sometimes it's two). I just can't understand how my weight could have gone up so much (don't even tell me it's just water, I don't want to hear it). I know it's not possible to have gained 2 lbs in a day, but I don't care. It's the numbers that I see. (okay, so the numbers DO matter to me). I will seriously just fucking starve myself. I don't care. At least tomorrow I will workout, teach a class, then play field hockey at night. I need to just eat my breakfast, fruit and a yogurt for the day but what are the chances that that will happen? It's got to! I just want to run 100 miles right now. (who thought I'd say that after running that miserable half marathon last Sunday?)

Okay, so I'm fat. I need to deal with that right now and move on and just take care of it starting now. It's time for some very strict calorie restriction!!!

Lounging around

I didn't do much of anything today, besides workout. I did however hook of my vhs/dvd recordered and transferred one of my tapes to DVD. It's pretty cool and I can't wait to do all of my videos. It might take 6 years but I'll get it done eventually. My parents are going away for two weeks so I'll be able to transfer all my ED movies over to DVD. Yes I know, I'm sick. (oh, literally and figuratively.)

I think I might bust a rib if I don't stop coughing.

I have to go Tango tonight and I really don't want to. I have to fill in and dance with this guy, not J. I was just thinking about J. and realized that I feel really comfortable with him. I don't really have to hide anything. Okay, maybe a little but whatever. He was over my house yesterday and asked my mom if she would show him my cereal bowl. (it's kind of small). So she pulled it out and he said something and then she said "she's anorectic." Ugh, mom! I hate when she says that. Can't she just say anoreXIC?? I don't know why that drives me insane.

I took a nap today. That was nice. I feel badly because I didn't do any work, but I'll get over that. I'm making up for it by going to dance tonight (doing my boss a favor), not that that really is work related but whatever.

I guess that's about it for now.

I need to workout!

I spent most of the night coughing, which doesn't really make for a good night's sleep. I woke up and went to the gym. I know that I probably shouldn't have gone because the rule of thumb is that if your illness is below the neck you shouldn't workout, and mine is lodged in my chest right now. Oh well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I worked out but it's driving me insane because I can't go all out. Therefore, I'm burning about 2 calories which is not a good thing. Ugh!! I hate it. It's just not good enough and not what I'm used to and it's bad. I guess I just need to compensate by eating less. Maybe I should go run another 13 miles. Ugh, I just need to get better so I can workout hard and long! I can't deal!

I just forgot what else I was going to write. That sucks. Oh well. Seriously, I just need to lose a few lbs., that's all.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Working out while sick

I woke up this morning feeling better than I did yesterday morning. My chest is congested so I've been coughing and my voice is dying now. My throat still hurts a little and I had a temperature of 99.7 when I woke up, but I decided to go to the gym anyway. (I took my temp. 4 times before I got the same number twice. Hmm, I do that with the scale too). WHY?...Because I can't go two days without working out. It was bad enough that I missed one. Ugh!

I went to the gym knowing that I couldn't push myself too hard, which was upsetting to me. I also knew that it would probably be in my best interest to not go, but whatever. I only did an hour of light cardio and only burned 250 calories. I don't know why I even bothered. That's just so unacceptable for me. I'm getting mad thinking about it.

I went because I had to move my body. I had to burn some calories. I really need to start lifting more often too because I'm flabby. I just need to devote my life to working out maybe then I will look the way I want to. I also need to chop off half of my thighs so they won't be so big. I hate my thighs more than anything.

New topic...I saw A Chorus Line on Broadway last night. It was good. I have the movie on tape and remember watching it as a child. I went to dinner with the 3 others I went with, one being a recovered bulimic which always makes it a little awkward for me because I'm sure she knows that my eating is not normal. All ed people can tell that. I'm sure her mom can notice too but I can't really worry about that.

Anyway, this was an all over the place post. My friend wanted me to blog about why I went to the gym while I was sick so I did. There ya go!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Sick again

I'm sick...again! I feel like crap. Have a fever, sore throat and headache. Ugh. I was supposed to go to a big event at my University today but that's not happening. I'm really bummed about that. I'm also going to NY tonight to see a show. Great! Hopefully I'll feel better and won't get the others sick.

I was just sick three weeks ago. How am I sick again?

Friday, January 26, 2007

400!

This is my 400th post. Who knew it would ever go this far.

I'm cold and I don't feel well. I think I might be getting sick...again. Can't really afford to get sick. That would really put a damper on my working out. Could have been the run in Central Park in the 19 degree weather!

I'm sitting on the couch with my eyes half open. I have to go to Wal-Mart in less than an hour, out to dinner, then to J.'s house. I just feel like sitting here and not moving. It's too cold and I'm not hungry, although I do want an apple.

So my friend did me a huge favor and talked to an ED therapist she knows. Found out if she has a private practice and got her card for me. The only problem...I don't want to go. I think I got freaked out because now I'm actually that much closer to having to make a phone call (when I move to NY) and I don't want to. I just don't want to go talk to someone. I think making the phone call is ever worse then going in to talk to her. Do I really think that talking to someone is going to help? No. I think that there is maybe 1 percent of me that wants help but the rest of me doesn't. I don't think I need it. Yes, I have some eating "issues" but I don't have a full-blown eating disorder. I don't see why people are so concerned about me. Granted no one in my life is showing concern, okay, maybe just D. but that's it...besides you guys. Don't ya think that if something was really wrong with me that someone would approach me about it? I think I am fine.

Jen (JL) has threatened to come up here and drag me to therapy, and you know what Jen, you might just have to do that because I don't see it happening. I don't really think I need it.

G., thank you. I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your efforts. You know me and you know that I'll probably end up calling at some point. :/

More of the same

I don't even know why I bother with blogging anymore. I keep saying the same thing over and over again. How many times can I say that I'm fat? Um, even I'm getting sick of hearing it.

I can't help that I feel fat and gross. I went to the gym this morning and I looked in the mirror and was like "ew!" I had to tie my shirt around my waist to cover up my love handles. I don't think I'll ever be thin enough. I don't think I'll ever look at myself and not see fat on me. I totally understand that we need to have fat for our bodies to function properly, I just don't want to see it!! I see other people that have no fat and they're fine.

I feel like my workouts have sucked this week too. I tried running yesterday but my paw pads (feet) are still sore from pounding the pavement on Sunday. I think that was just my excuse to get off the treadmill. Two miles and then I headed to the elliptical. Tomorrow I need to run because I did the elliptical and the bike again today. I barely burned half a calorie. That sucks.

I was just looking down at my thighs and I really hate them. Seriously, they should NOT be this big. I know I'm going to feel fat and gross when I'm hanging out with J. tonight. I hate the feeling more than anything. It's not fair to him that I feel that way. Sometimes I express my fatness and other times I just try to hide it because I don't want him to know how I really feel about myself. He's not dumb though.

I just need to lose like 5 pounds. I think I'm at the point though where the numbers don't matter. I said that before but I think I know what I mean now. Even if the numbers go down I still see myself the same so it doesn't even matter what the scale says. I still think I need to lose weight. I like when they go down but it doesn't change how I see myself. It's like one huge mind came and I'm not sure what the rules are or how to play. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.

Right now, I need chapstick!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A little sad

I'm a little sad tonight. I went out to dinner tonight with my potential ny roommate. She knew the waitress and asked how her father was doing. She said that he passed away last week and told us about the situation. Well, it reminded me of my grandma and everything she went through so I started telling my friend about it and I was getting a little teary-eyed. It made me sad. I don't know why it was hard for me tonight but it was.

It's freezing out and going to be negative 20 degrees with the windchill tomorrow. Ugh!!!

I'm going to bed and going to weigh myself in hopes that my numbers are "okay." Damn stupid numbers!

Back n forth

I'm so back in forth with things. Some days I think that there actually is something wrong with me and other days I think I'm just fine. Today is one of those just fine days.

Ugh, I hate the jeans I'm wearing. (those who know me know I have jean issues). My thighs are absolutely huge and I can't stand it. Why can't they just be little sticks. I was complaining about them to J. the other day and he was like "I love your legs, babe." Oh, is he sweet or what?

Speaking of J. we went jean shopping for me yesterday. He said "we need to get you some jeans that don't fall off of you when you're wearing a belt." So we went and were unsuccessful. They don't make jeans for short shits like me. Now he understands why it's so hard for me to find them. Okay, I think I really like him now. He's very sweet and he kind of gets me. I guess it helps that he's completely obsessed with what he eats and his workouts. He eats less than I do. He said he wanted to go to this restaurant in NYC. He said it would be our "splurge." He wants to get some mac and cheese dish and split it. I could take a few bites but that would be it. I'd freak.

Okay, so I have no idea why I want to lose weight, I just know I do. I want to be able to feel my bones. I went to my friend's house last night to watch Idol and one of her friends was there. Her friend said "you lost more weight." I was "no, it's just my clothes." (I was wearing sweats and a big sweatshirt. She was like "Yes you did I can see it in your face." BUSTED!!

My friend D. emailed me this morning and said my weightloss "is getting VERY noticeable to the point where you will definitely draw attn to yourself." She also said, " anymore loss and you will start to change the way you look this is not a good thing." I don't want to draw attention to myself. That's the last thing I want. Yes, it's nice to hear "you've lost weight," but it's also not nice to hear it because that means people are talking and that's not a good thing. I can't have people, especially at the gym, talking about me. That's not a good thing.

So I want the scale to go down but I don't know why. I know I don't want to weigh 92 lbs anymore, so that's a good thing, but I do know I want to lose weight. But really, where is that going to get me?? What will that change? I don't have any clue. Will I rid myself of those fat feelings if I do continue to lose weight or will they just get worse? I don't know. I don't think there are any answers to any of the questions in my head. I just want to not feel fat. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do feel thin and okay, but it can change in an instant. These jeans don't help me feel good, I'll tell ya that much.

I guess that's probably why I need to go to therapy. (Ah, a sigh of relief reaches the crowd). Don't get too excited, I haven't made any phone calls!!

Hmm, that's it for now. I have to get the banana bread out of the oven.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Too much guilt

I guess I have to thank you guys, all of you!! There are many times when I would like to make myself throw up and I don't. Why? Well, not wanting to get totally hooked on it is one reason, but the other reason is that I don't want to have to come on here and write about it. I would be too ashamed that you all would find out. Sure, I could just pretend it didn't happen (if I did it) and not write about it, but then I'd be lying to myself. It would be so much easier if I didn't eat at all.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Very concise

I feel fat.
I weigh too much tonight.
I need to lose weight.
I wanted to puke earlier. (no, I won't do it)
I'm hungry.
I just want to be skinny.

Atleast I burned 300 more calories playing field hockey tonight.

I realize that I want to be really skinny but I'm not sure why. I want to feel skinny.


--------90 minutes later--------

I'm still hungry but I won't let myself eat because I don't want to gain weight. ( I did eat dinner)

Blogger sucks and won't let me post this.

Food!

I was recently asked to make a list of foods that I would eat if I "could." Things I could start introducing, a little at a time, back into my diet. Starting out small and working my way up to the harder things.

Well, that got me thinking about what foods I want to eat but won't allow myself. Here's my list. I noticed that a lot of them contain cheese, which is bizarre. Whatever.

Hot chocolate
apple cider
mac and cheese
fettucine alfredo
penne a la vodka
chicken parmesean
nachos
pizza (with cheese)
eggplant subs
paninis (I eat the veggie ones but get it without the cheese)
brownies (which I eat on occassion, but I want a big goey one for dessert from a restaurant)
any chewy, chocolately, caramel dessert
maybe mashed potatoes
french fries
potato skins with cheese
different dips
baked ziti with lots of mozzerella
French toast from my favorite diner that closed down :(
grilled cheese
chocolate chip pancakes
Muffins- bran, choc. chip, blueberry, corn. I love muffins
apple danish
coffee cake
"real" salad dressing

I'm sure there other things that I can't think of. I'll add to the list if I think of anything else. That is the most unhealthy list of foods I have ever seen.

Lately, I've just really wanted a nice cup of hot chocolate. Why is it so hard for me to just drink that? It shouldn't be something that's difficult to do. People drink it all the time and I can't. That's a weird thing for me to understand.

Therapy fears

I don't know it if was last night or this morning that this thought popped into my head, but it did. It might have been while I was brushing my teeth this morning.

I have this fear of therapy. I'm not really sure why, but I do. I know why I won't go to therapy here where I live and I know what that fear is about. I'm afraid someone I know will see me and realize that I'm not as "put together" as they think. I live in a small town and I know everyone. I'd be embarrassed, when really, what's there to be embarrassed about?? I'm a loser, that I know.

So, I told a few of my friends that I would go to Therapy once I moved to NYC. Unfortunately, I think they're going to hold me to that, especially my friend J. She's been telling me for years that I need to go. Think I listened to her?

Here is, what I believe to be, my biggest fear about therapy. I think I'm afraid that it wouldn't work and that I wouldn't get any better and that I would either keep living my life this way or have to do something else besides therapy.

Okay, I'll stop fooling myself. My biggest fear is that I'd have to go in patient. I know that physically I am not "unhealthy" and wouldn't need to be hospitalized but I'm afraid that that might happen. I talked about this with my friend during our hellish run. I know that if I lose too much weight that I'm going to end up in the hospital, however, I don't know how to stop doing what I'm doing. I see the number on the scale go down and it's exciting, but it's also scary. I get the "what if I can't stop" thought, but it's even more scary when it goes up a pound. That sends me into freakout mode.

Honestly, I do not want to be a sickly person laying in a hospital bed, being force fed and not being able to take care of myself. That's NOT me. I don't want to be babied or have to ask for help. I want to be healthy but I want to lose weight. Just a few more pounds. The absolute worst thing would be having my parents know would be having them worry. I know I've said that before but it's true. I don't want to hurt them and I know it would tear them apart to know what I've been feeling for the past 14 years. (Okay, maybe I do have a problem) See, I'm even back and forth with that.

I'm just so torn right now. I know that I can't live this way forever but I'm scared as hell to anything about it. Obviously my biggest fear is gaining weight. The bottom line is that I don't want to get sick but I don't want to have to change either. I'm just afraid that if I went to therapy and nothing changed that my therapist would either get rid of me or send me to an out patient or inpatient facility. But, I guess I shouldn't worry about that right now. That's too far in the distance.

Wow, that was a big rant and I probably repeated myself 10x but whatever. I'm going to get the mail now.

Monday, January 22, 2007

"I'm falling for you!"

Saturday night I got a call from J. I was at my friend's place in NYC. He had said he wanted to talk to her about something and that I wasn't allowed to know what it was. Well, when he called she was not there so he had no choice but to talk to me. He was actually going to wait a few minutes until she came back but decided not to.

So, he said "I don't know how to say this and I feel like a little school boy."

Me- "Just say it." (As knots start to form in my stomach and I get a little scared)

J. - I'm falling for you!

Me- (silence)

J. - This has never happened to me this fast and I didn't plan on this happening but I haven't felt this way in a long time...Years. Did I totally freak you out?

Me- No, I'm not freaked out. Okay, maybe a little freaked out.

J.- I knew I shouldn't have said that. I'm such an ass.

Me- No. Would it make you feel better if I said I wasn't freaked out?

J.- Yes.

Me- Okay, then I'm not freaked out. (a bit of a lie)

So yeah, I don't really know where to go with that. I'll just pretend it didn't happen because that's what I do.

On another note. I'm back (don't know if I ever left) feeling like I don't have an eating disorder. I know that's going to bring about a lot of comments but that's how I feel. I ate three perfectly normal meals yesterday. (okay, I know that someone is going to disagree with that:). Seriously, I eat (sometimes pronounced as "Eeeeee-eeaaattt" with 2 syllables).

Okay, so I weigh myself a lot, but I eat enough and am healthy. I don't know what the issue is. Tomorrow I may think differently, who knows.

K, I need to go to bed. My legs are still sore. I went to the gym for an hour and rode the bike. I burned like 2 calories. It sucked but whatever. Then J. stretched me out which felt really good.
If I'm still sore tomorrow I'll have to pop some motrin so I can go on with my workout as usual.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

The day Hell froze over

I'm still in NYC, even though I should be home so I can workout and go to work in the morning.

I got to my friend G.'s place yesterday afternoon. We were going to go look at some apartments but everything fell through. We stayed in and ordered Thai food because it was about 5 degrees out. We ate nice and early, like 4 pm. I had never had it before and was a little nervous as to what was in it. I ordered veggies and tofu (never had tofu before) and it was a little bit oily which freaked me out. I ate it all and felt really nasty afterwards. I guess I really didn't eat all that much because it was just veggies but I still felt gross. Of course, I was hungry again by 8 but didn't eat anything.

G. and I had to head out to our friend's b-day bash. We didn't stay very long because we had to get up early to run a half marathon this morning.

This morning came way too soon. We woke up and it was 19 friggen degrees out (12 with the wind chill). Now, I told G. I was not going to run if it was under 35, as I don't like the cold. Okay, maybe HATE THE COLD would be a better way to describe it. So, we got up and headed over to Central Park. We decided to take a cab since it was so cold. We got there and I couldn't feel my legs or my feet, which is never a good sign when your supposed to run 13 miles! You know it's cold when the water they pour in cups for you to drink is so frozen that you can turn the cup over and nothing spills. OUCH!

So we ran...and ran...and ran...and eventually my legs thawed out. However, at about mile 8 I thought I was going to die. Everything from my lower back down hurt. I just wanted to stop. I think I complained the entire run. G. did a little complaining as well, but not nearly as much as I did. I think I shuffled the last 5 miles. I wanted to die.

After the race was over we decided to walk back to G.'s place. We made it a few blocks until we realized that it was way too f'n cold out. People had frost on their backs from their sweat and on their hats as well. UGH...I HATE WINTER!!! (I just typed "ate" instead of "hate.")

So we hopped in the cab, got home and took showers and then crashed. I was going to go home tonight but yeah, my legs don't really feel like moving at all.

I almost fell asleep on the chair and then we decided to go shopping. I think I shuffled down the streets of Manhattan. We probably walked another two miles.

So I burned 1051 calories during the run. Woo hoo. However, I also ate 45 meals today. I keep telling G. that she needs to get a scale here for me but she won't. She said she'd toss if off the balcony.

I think that's it for now. I don't know what I'll do not going to the gym tomorrow morning. I'll go in the afternoon. I know it will be a short workout but something is better than nothing, and after running 13.1 miles, I think it's okay...maybe. Maybe I can get J. to go with me because I know that I'm not going to want to go at all.

Friday, January 19, 2007

13 miler

J. just called and I didn't answer my phone because I didn't feel like talking. I guess I need to call him back so we can figure out our plans for tonight. I don't feel like being out until 1 or 2 AM and I'm afraid that's going to happen. He just doesn't understand that I like to go to bed early so I can get up early and workout. I need a lot of sleep and he just doesn't get that. Blah!

Lara and Stella, this if for you. I "feel" fat right now, meaning my stomach feels big and fat and full of rolls. My ass felt so huge at the gym this morning while I was running. J. happened to be there because he needed to talk to a trainer there (he's usually not at my gym) and he was standing there while I was running and I was like "my ass feels so huge."

I'm going to New York tomorrow to my friend's b-day bash. On Sunday my friend and I are running a half marathon in Central Park. Ugh, I'm not looking forward to that long run. I'll never make it and it's going to be freezing. I also promised my friend that I'd talk the whole time because I can't run that far without talking to someone and she can't run without her music and I won't let her take her music because I'll never make the run. I don't like running with my music. I just have to think of it as a good calorie burner, though I'll probably only burn 800 calories. I'm sure we'll have fun and she'll want to shoot me for talking her ear off. I actually told her I was ready to have a "serious" conversation about things (my food related issues) because I usually avoid serious conversations at all cost.

Last week, while I was away and completely freaking out, I started thinking that I can't keep living like this. (I'm sure all of your comments helped fuel those thoughts) However, now that I'm home and feeling better I don't really think I need to do anything about this. Oh well. I just want to lose weight still. The thing is, I don't really know why. I still think I need to but there's gotta be something more than that. I don't know.

I guess I should call J. back now.

Answers for Stella (I think)

Okay, I'm going to try and do this is some sort of order but you all know by now that that probably won't happen. I need a drink (water) first. I'll try to keep this relatively short because who the hell really wants to read a long post about me? Um, not even I!

This all started when I was going into my freshman year in high school. I was out at the pool with my older brother and he said "you could stand to lose 5 pounds." Now, I was probably around 105 lbs at the time, at 5 feet tall, but I was fat, or atleast my face looked fat when I look at pictures of myself, but that is that weird adolescent stage anyway.

That year I completely changed what I ate. Went from chips, candy bars, cup cakes and PBJ sandwiches to soup, carrots, lots of bread, pretzels, fruit, etc. (carbs were great b/c they didn't have a lot of fat). I played 3 sports in h.s. that year so I was always active.

Sophomore year I started cutting out more food and was weighing myself a lot too. Played 2 sports (no more basketball) and started working out in my basement. I'd do the stairmaster to atleast an hour with this plastic jacket on so I'd sweat. Started experimenting with diet pills and stuff. Dropped some weight (My scale said I was 92 lbs but I don't know how accurate it was) and was pretty unhappy but I was getting skinny!

I won't go on with my life's history. Way too boring. I don't think that really answered your question as to "why" I turned to the scale. I know for me right now I feel like it allows me to control what I can and can't eat. Like if I weigh too much then I shouldn't eat and if my weight is "ok" than I can eat something. (Not that I ever starve myself).

I don't know about OCD meds. I'm not big on medication. Give me advil if something hurts but that's about it.

I'd say I "love" myself...most of the time.

I totally tell myself negative things. Who doesn't? Does saying "I'm so fat" count?? ;)

I don't know why the number runs my life, but it totally does. I will agree with you on that.

Hopefully I answered everything for ya, Stella. Let me know if you have other questions.

Thanks for thinking I'm dynamite. :)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

No time tonight

Hey guys!

I just got home so I won't be responding/answering your questions from the last post. Hopefully I'll have time to do it tomorrow. I better because I'm going to by in NYC this weekend.

Too tired to think and write now.

Oh, I did tell J. that I weigh myself every morning.

Right now I weigh too much and need to run 90 miles. Hopefully I'll shed some poundage this weekend.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Baking, weighing and feeling fat

I'm feeling disgustingly fat right now. Maybe I will hop on the bike for a little bit before I have to go out. I have to leave my house in 40 minutes to go watch American Idol at my friend's house.

My cat will not leave me alone while I'm trying to write this. I love her to death but she always wants to sit on my while I'm typing.

Okay, so I feel so huge right now and I don't want to weigh myself but I know I'm going to go upstairs and weigh myself soon and that will put me in a bad/freak out mood. Sucks but I have to do it.

I worked out for 2 hours today. You'd think that would be enough, but apparently it isn't.

Okay, I'm going to try and write exactly what I'm thinking right now...

I'm scared to go weigh myself because I don't want to know what the number is going to be. It's not like I ate a lot of food but I'm sure it's going to be a "bad" number. Ugh. It stresses me out. Maybe I should go upstairs and weigh myself right now as I'm writing this. The thought of it makes me want to throw up. I need to run about 97 miles tomorrow. Obviously that will not happen, but whatever.

I'm going to go upstairs and weigh myself right now. Ugh...

Okay, I'm in the bathroom now. Preliminary results (with clothes on and having to pee) not as bad as I thought it would be. Let me try again just to make sure. Shit, the number just went up. I knew it was too good to be true. One more time before peeing and shedding the clothes.

Okay, not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm hoping that it will go down another pound before I go to bed which means that I could wake up at a decent number. Please, oh please let that be the case.

You've just experienced the day in the life on PTC. It's all about the numbers.

So that's about it. I made some low-fat banana bread to bring to the office tomorrow. I haven't baked since Christmas. All I did for Christmas was bake and bake and bake. I usually love baking but haven't done much of it at all over the past few months. I'm not really sure why that is. I think it's because I usually pick at the stuff I bake and don't want to do that, even though everything I make, unless I'm giving it away, is low-fat.

I feel like I could go to bed right now. I'm kind of tired but Idol calls. I'm wearing my fleece snowman pants to my friend's house. It's all about comfort. By the way, it's freaking FREEZING out. Current temperature, 20 degrees and that doesn't include the windchill. Brrrr...I need to be back in Florida.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Why bother?

I'm starting to believe that there's no reason for me to even try to "recover" from my eating issues. It just seems that everyone who "recovers" from their ed reverts back to their old behaviors. So why should I waste my time, energy and money to try and change something that can't be changed?

I've had friends that have gone IP several times and they still fall back. One of my friends has been IP 8 times, was doing okay for a while, and is now falling back into her old ways. She's trying to nip it in the bud but still, she's got serious issues with it.

So, what's the point in even trying? If it's not going to work anyway, why bother? Seems a bit pointless to me.

I'm not saying that this is the case 100 percent of the time, but many times it's the way it is.

I need new jeans!! I hate all my jeans because they are either falling off of me (which doesn't really make me hate them it just makes me look bad) or they are too tight in the thighs. Perhaps if my thighs weren't the size of a freaking tree trunk in yellowstone park I might like my jeans. Maybe I don't need new jeans, maybe i need a new body! Perhaps longer, skinnier legs.

Idol and hockey

I have to leave for my field hockey games in a little bit. I love playing. It's so much fun and I burn a lot of calories, which is always nice!!

American Idol also starts tonight. That means my Tuesday and Wednesday nights are shot for the next 5 months. Oh well.

It's getting really cold out. I wish I was still in Florida for many reasons: The beach, the ocean, the sand, the hot weather, losing a (very) little weight. I really just want the beach back though...and a tan!!!

My cats are starving and I need to empty the little box. I don't know how they know when it's 5 o'clock that it's time to eat. They're smart little buggers.

I really have nothing to say but I'm sure that will change tonight when I get home.

Last week I was freaking out so badly and starting to realize that that is really not normal. Now that I'm home and have my scale back (oh how I sort of love that piece of equipment) and don't have that anxiety, I feel like I'm better. It's really amazing how much that stupid thing on my bathroom floor can dictate how I feel, not even because of the number but because I didn't have it with me. I guess that is a problem.

Oh well, I need to feed the kids and empty their potty box.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

On the plane...and home

I’m in the airplane right now, flying at an altitude of 31 thousand feet. I’m flying over Georgia above some clouds. Take off was beautiful, overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. It’s 85 degrees in Florida right now and I’m on my way back to the cold, rainy, dank and nasty weather.

I arrived at the airport nice and early and had the chance to lay out for about an hour. I checked my bag and then parked myself in the sun at curbside check-in. If there’s one thing that I obsess about more than my weight it’s getting tan. You can never be tan enough. (Okay, yeah you can but it still sounds good.) Actually, I really do think I’m “tanorexic.” I know some people don’t approve of that term but it’s so me. I need to be tan and lay out whenever I can. I’ve been known to lay out days after a snowstorm in February. I put my bikini and oils on, my boots, plop a chair in the snow, put my water bottle “on ice” (that’s what the snow is for) and then plop myself down in the seat. I know, I’m nuts!

J. wanted me to stay in Florida longer but I really do need to go to work. It’s our busy time. I would have loved to have stayed. I would have bought a scale though. I think if I do this again next year I will buy one. She understands my obsessions, though we didn’t discuss them at all. She realized that everytime she tried to ask me questions I changed the subject. She called me out on that. I should have just bought a cheap one this week. If it’s going to help ease my anxiety and mind then it’s totally worth it. Screw “sitting with the feelings” and “dealing with it,” I’d rather feel comfortable.

So I’m sitting in a window seat. The woman next to me actually lives just a few towns over from me. We had a nice conversation. The man behind me is hacking up a lung. I’m listening to some Gary Allen. I think I’ll probably take out my MP3 and listen to that and try to take a nap. I am going to make it through this plane ride without any thoughts of the crap I usually think about. I’ll be home in 3 hours. I’ll get to weigh myself and if I start thinking about what the results will be I will start to freak out and I really just don’t want to do that right now. So my best bet it is to try and not think at all.

I think J. is going to come over. He “misses” me. I’ll show him my pictures and we’ll hang out a bit. I’ll probably want to go to bed pretty early so I can get up and go to the gym. I actually started enjoying running on the beach and I will miss it. It was so nice. I saw another stingray yesterday. Do you like how I jump from topic to topic??

The gum I’m chewing is nasty and I have to throw it out. The girl two seats over from me is eating Twizzlers. They “make mouths happy.” My brother and I used to have “whipping” contests with them. We’d hit each other on the back of the hand as hard as we could with the Twizzler. We’re weird. J

So that’s that. I’m going to shut this off and try and take a little nap. Only an hour and a half left in my flight. I love flying. One of my friends said that there should be cardio equipment on planes. I totally agree with that!! She’s got a good idea!!

K, I need chapstick and some sleep. I’ll post this when I’m home with my feet on the ground. At that point I’m sure I’ll have something else to write because I will have weighed myself.

---------------------------HOME----------------------------
Preliminary results show that I have lost weight!!!
WOO HOO!!!
All of the anxiety for nothing. What a week I wasted worrying.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I'm a little obsessed with sunsets...

Me in the water. It's so pretty






There are so many more good ones that I'd like to put up here.

Not so good

I'm freaking out again, now there's a big surprise. My day started off with a nice run and then a walk. Worked out for almost 2 hrs. It was good. Then I layed on the beach all day. I still had/have the intense need to weigh myself but that won't change. I realized how fat my thighs are, once again. (not that they are fat once again, but that I noticed it once again.) I wanted to vomit. I feel and look like I've gained 5 lbs in the past 6 days. I'll find out the truth tomorrow.

Tonight I went out on the town to do a little shopping. I decided that I'd get frozen yogurt since I didn't have much of a dinner, or a lunch for that matter. While I was standing in line, I was thinking what the hell am I doing? I shouldn't be getting this, but it can't kill me. So I got low-fat yogurt and ate it. Felt guilty as hell for eating it and felt absolutely disgusting after eating it. I wanted to throw up so badly but I didn't have any water with me. I knew it would have been so easy to do if I just chugged a bottle.

I walked around for a few minutes afterwards feeling incredibly gross and sad and then headed back to the car and grabbed a bottle of water out of the trunk. I started drinking it and thinking that I could head over to the public beach to do what needed to be done. Now, I am NOT a puker so this is so out of character for me. Too make a long story short, I didn't throw up. I wanted to so badly. I wanted to cry. I wanted to puke. I want to just not feel this way.

I think I'm partially depressed because I have to leave this gorgeous weather and head back to the nastiness of the northeast. I still feel like crap. I'm so sick of this shit. Obviously I need to go home so I can get back into my routine but I need to just be away from everything and watch the sunset everyday. It's so nice. I just sit there and think about everything, which isn't always good, and take in the beauty.

I'll post a few more pics of today's sunset and the beach. Tomorrow I will be home and know how much I weigh and it will maybe ease some of my anxiety...or make it worse.

Friday, January 12, 2007

The ocean and the sunset








Uh.

You'd think that sitting here overlooking the ocean and listening to the waves would have some sort of calming effect on me. Yeah, not so much. I just want to weigh myself. This feeling is not going away. I really need to weigh myself. Everyone says not having a scale around is "freeing." I'm not finding that at all. I'm more anxious without it. Atleast if I had it I would know what I weigh and could go on with my life from there. Right now I have no idea so I just assume I'm getting fatter and fatter. I can feel the fat piling on and I can't stand it. I hope it's all in my head but I don't know. I just need that confirmation. I need my scale!!

I'm starving right now and I don't know why. It's not like I've been doing much of anything down here to make me hungry. I just woke up and need to eat my breakfast.

I'm going to spend all day at the beach because I need to get tan. I'm not getting tan yet and I only have two more days of sun left. That's unacceptable.

I wish I could just relax. I don't understand why I am like this right now and how merely weighing myself on my scale would calm me down. This is the longest I've gone without weighing myself (not counting the scale at Publix). I'm so tempted to go out and buy a scale for the two days I'm here. Ugh!!

I'm going to eat now. (Oh look, the "anorexic" who eats!)

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I need my scale!

I woke up this morning wanting/needing to weigh myself SO badly. Obviously I didn't have the option to weigh myself so I just freaked out inside of my head instead. I really just need to know what I weigh right now. It's driving me insane. I can't find out until I get home on Sunday. That will be the first thing I do too. J. wants to pick me up from the airport and bring me to his place but I just need to go home and weigh myself!!

I went for an hour walk on the beach this morning with J. (my friend J.)and her daughter. It wasn't very aerobic though. I only burned 160 calories. Kind of pointless. Then I layed out all day at the beach. I didn't get burned :). I took my run around 3:30. I didn't want to go but it ended up being a decent run. I'm not doing a full run, I'm changing it up a bit. I ran about 3.5 miles and then took my sneakers off and did a walk in the water/sprint outside on the sand. It was nice until I saw these things that I thought were leaves near me while I was in the water. I got a little closer and realized that these "leaves" had tails and were really three stingrays. I quickly ran out of the water after something strange came out of my mouth. They were cool to see. I wish I had my camera. I finished my run off by jumping in the water (after taking my heartrate monitor off) because the water was so crystal clear. I just had to go in.

I went out to dinner with J. and her parents. I was freaking out after dinner, though I just had soup and bread. I felt like I needed to go for a run so badly. Obviously I didn't.

We went to Publix after to get a few things after dinner. We came out of the store and J. said "you didn't weigh yourself did you?" I was like "why?' She was like "you shouldn't weigh yourself after dinner. You can be 5-10 lbs heavier." I was like "I know." She said "are you okay? You seem upset." I was like "I know I can't go by this scale. I have my clothes on, I have to pee, and it's not my scale." Ugh... I WANT MY SCALE!!!


I just really need to know what I weigh, that's all...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Sunset pics







Beach workout

I'm sitting out on my lanai right now, what a fancy word for balcony, huh? It's beautiful. The sun is about to go down in about a half hour so I'm going to get my butt on the beach to watch it from there since I can't take pictures through the screen up here.

I woke up this morning and opened my blind and just watched it get lighter out while I watched a barge float out to see. I'm in paradise and I don't want to leave...other than the fact that I don't have my scale, my gym or my cats! I miss my babies!!

I worked out for about 45-50 minutes this morning. I jumped rope on the "lanai" and did some cardio intervals inside with J. I just got back from the best run on the beach too. It wasn't all that windy and it was warm. I ran without my shirt on (shocking because I would NEVER do that at home) so I could get tan. I ran to the wall, which I think is about 2.5 miles and then ran halfway back. Then I took my sneakers off and got into the water, about up to my knees and did some walking/running intervals back to the condo. I didn't run in the water because I would have gotten soaked, though I got pretty wet walking in there. It was a great workout and burned over 300 calories in 45 minutes which made a total of 550 calories for the day. Not that bad for being on vacation. I can't wait to do that again tomorrow because just a straight out run bores me to death!

So J. started questioning me about things today. She wanted to know if I "have to weigh myself everyday" and if I was "doing okay so far this week" because of the lack of working out. I really didn't want to discuss that with her. I said I do weigh myself everyday. I got out of the conversation somehow but it came up again at the pool. She wanted to know if I "don't eat if I don't workout." I had said something about being sick and not being able to workout that much so I was able to answer her by saying "I don't eat when I'm sick usually. So, I dodged that question totally. Then she wanted to know if I worked out to be "fit" or to be "thin." I said "both." Um, I really don't need to be having these chats with her. I don't want to talk about it.

Ooh, I'm cold. I need to put on some clothes before I head down to the beach. There are some clouds so I don't know how pretty the sunset will be, but I will take pictures and post them. I'm obsessed with sunsets. I guess I'm obsessed with a lot of things.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Publix weigh-in


I went two days without really freaking out about things, but tonight I started to. I was sitting at dinner eating an egg white omelette and I started getting anxious. I felt like I shouldn't be eating. I felt fat and I felt even fatter because I only ran for 45 minutes today. I just wanted to move. I wanted to get up right then and there and go workout. Even now I feel like I need to do something, even though I can't keep my eyes open. I'm actually kind of hungry too. What's up with that??

Let me think of what I ate today...I can't deal with it. No one would think it was a lot of food if they looked at it, but to me it is. Not so much a lot, but too much. I hate this.

I went to Publix (grocery store) to pick up a few things for my friend that I am with and they usually have a scale right when you walk in the door. I remember thinking, where's the scale?? I thought they didn't have one until I walked over to get some razors and found the extremely large scale in the health section. Of course I got on it and the number freaked me out. I'm hoping it had something to do with the fact that I had jeans and fleece jacket on. I need my scale!!!

I'm falling asleep. I should just go to bed but I'm waiting to talk to J. Maybe I'll just go to bed anything. That way I won't be tempted to eat an apple or some rice cakes.

I didn't take any good pics today. Here's a palm tree.

Sad and bad day

I feel guilty blogging right now because I'm still upset and in disbelief about Leah. I feel like it's selfish in my part to be blogging...like why should I be writing about myself when there are so many people out there suffering? Leah's death is just not fair and it's not fair that I write about the crap in my life while I'm still alive and well. I guess part of me needs to get all the shit out of my head though.

I had a rough day, both emotionally and physically. Like I said, I'm still so confused and upset about Leah. I just keep thinking about it and asking myself why and how? So, I'm depressed about that.

I went for a run this morning but it was only 45 minutes long. Granted I ran on the beach and sucking some serious wind. My heart rate was between 182-187 beats per minute for most of the run. The first half I was going against the wind, which was brutal. It couldn't have ended soon enough. I don't how I'm going to continue to do this run for the next 5 days. Maybe I'll take Sunday off since I have to leave for the airport that morning.

The beach is freezing and windy. I put up two lounge chairs to try and block the wind, you know the heavy duty ones? Well, the wind knocked it over and it fell and hit me on the forehead and eye. So, I had to come back and ice it, which meant I didn't get tan. So, I'm depressed about that. I'm an idiot. It gets better though...I walked into the freaking sliding glass door about 20 minutes ago. What the hell is my problem??? UGH!!

So that's it. I'm going to go watch the sunset again and post some more pics. Hope you guys are all doing well. Take care of yourselves, please!

Monday, January 08, 2007

:(

I'm sitting here trying to figure this whole thing out. Life just isn't fair. Poor Leah was working on getting herself healthy again. She was working so hard. She wanted recovery but this stupid eating disorder had to take her life. It's not fair.

Ironically, Leah and I had just started IMing each other just last week. She was trying so hard to convince me to get some help. We didn't even know each other but I am so effected by her death. I'm in a state of shock and sadness.

My heart goes out to Em and all of Leah's family and friends. Parents should not have to bury their children. It's just not fair. I know Leah is in a better now but it doesn't make it any easier for her loved ones.

I know I probably have no right to be giving anyone any advice on this, but please, if you're struggling, get help.

They gave you a corner room on the fifth floor
The city lights were like candy to a kid in a store
Like a king you'd lay in your bed so statefully
So thankful they gave you a room with scenery
You always were so healthy, so full of life
So seeing you so helpless just didn't seem right
And how you kept your head so high I'll never know
I guess you knew you had a better place to go

Now...You've got a room with a view
A window to the world
You always had your sights set high
And now that you're gone
Your memory lives on
And I see you smiling in my mind
With angels as visitors dropping by
Your room with a view

I'll always miss you
I'll always feel the loss
I have to remind myself that you're better off
I gotta believe even through these tears of mine
Wherever you are there's a sun that always shines

And...You've got a room with a view
A window to the world
You always had your sights set high
And now that you're gone
Your memory lives on
And I see you smiling in my mind
With angels as visitors dropping by
Your room with a view
With angels as visitors dropping by
Your room with a view


-Carolyn Dawn Johnson-

Leah

I have some sad news to report. Fellow blogger buddy Leah passed away this morning. Please send your thoughts and prayers to Em (Say What). :(

Amongst the palms





I am in Florida. I didn't workout today, though I did walk the beach a little and do a few sprints. I have no idea how much I weigh. It rained but then cleared up for a nice sunset.

For what it's worth, I feel fat!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Hotel boredom

I'm sitting in my hotel room at the airport. It's almost 7:30 and I am so bored. I may go out into the lobby and make some phone calls. J. and her daughter are in bed.

I guess I could go workout, though I don't really want to. I worked out for almost two hours this morning, but I don't know what my week will bring. I may get up at 4 AM to go to the gym because it's open for 24 hrs. They have the elliptical I like too.

I'm actually so bored that I can't even think about the obsessive things I usually think about. Interesting.

The final countdown

I just did my final weigh-in before I leave. I'm heading out in a half hour. I'm typing as I sit here and eat my apple. We just took all the ornaments off the Christmas tree, which is so depressing. :(

So I'm excited about going to Florida but I'm a little "blah" right now. I guess it's because I'm not really leaving until the morning but I have to leave my house and go to the hotel tonight. The woman I am going with wants to do that since we have an early flight, though it's at 7:15 so it's really not that early, but she does have a 4 year old.

I don't know why but I'm just scared. I don't know what I'm scared of. Well, I guess I do. I'm scared of not being able to weigh myself, or not having my normal gym routine, and scared of what types of meals I will be having (though I know all will be healthy) and I'm scared that J. is going to say something to me about stuff. (J. is the woman I'm going with, obvi).

To answer Beth's comment, which just got emailed to me, I don't eat seafood and I'm staying in a condo without a gym so there won't be a scale. I know I won't die from not being able to weigh myself. It will just make me uncomfortable. I'm sure I'll be eating salads all week so I really shouldn't worry about anything. I just have to keep telling myself that. I will be fine!!

Okay, I guess I should end this so I can get ready. Hopefully I will be online. If not, have a good week everyone. Oh, if you guys read Leah's blog at all, keep her in your thoughts. She's in the hospital with heart related issues. :(

Saturday, January 06, 2007

It's starting

I'm starting to get anxious about my trip. It's so weird because I can NOT wait to go and be on the beach and in the hot sun all day long, but I also dread being away from the gym and from my scale. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I can't even think about it. I need a scale!!! What if I gain weight? I will have no "weigh" of knowing until next Sunday around 4 PM when I get home. I can't handle that. Maybe it will work in my favor and I'll be afraid to eat because I won't be able to see what I weigh. I feel like I don't have control (of my weight) when I don't have my scale. It's very scary for me.

Then there's the fact that my workouts will consist only of walks and runs on the beach. I won't be doing 2 hours of cardio a day. I'm already out of shape and now I am scared to see what's going to happen while I'm away. I wish I could just stop thinking about all of this stuff. Ugh.

I'm not sure if this will make things worse or better, but J. the woman I am going with has figured out that I have some sort of issue. I'm not sure what she thinks exactly but she has mentioned stuff to me in the past. I just don't want her to try and start a serious conversation with me about it. It would be one thing if she knew what was going on and I felt like I wouldn't be telling her anything she didn't already know, but that's not the case. There are only a couple of people that I could actually sit down and have a serious conversation with about all this stuff, I just haven't done it.

Okay, J.'s coming over so I need to do something to myself. My hair is sticking straight up. Good thing is, he doesn't really care.

Hopefully I won't start freaking out on him about things.

deep breaths

Sitting outside in January

It's January 6th and I am sitting outside on my back deck because it is 71.1 degrees out. What is better that that? Come on now, really, could it get any better? Well, I guess it the sun was strong enough for me to get tan it would be nice. I'll take care of that this week though.

I'm leaving for Florida on Monday morning but am heading to the airport tomorrow so I really have no idea how much blogging I will get to do after tomorrow. That makes me very sad, but so many places have wireless internet now that hopefully that won't be a problem.

I went out with J. last night. Actually we just hung out at his place with some of his friends. It was nice. I really enjoyed spending time with him. I'll see him tonight but I'm not sure what the game plan is.

I need to finish packing but I don't feel like doing it anymore. I know I'm bringing too much stuff, as I always do. All I really need are workout clothes and my bikinis.

So I just weighed myself and was quite happy with the number. Here is the problem though; after tomorrow I won't get to weigh myself until next Sunday. That will be the longest I've gone without a scale since college maybe. This can't be good. I'm going to freak out. Not to mention that fact that the only exercise I will get will consist of walking/running on the beach and doing some push-ups and stuff. Clearly NOT enough. I am bringing my jump rope and resistant band too. I'm sure I'll write more about this later when I start to get a little more stressed out about it.

That's about it for now.

Friday, January 05, 2007

2 comments and a mini-lecture

I got off the elliptical this morning and on the elliptical behind me was my friend D. I talked to her for a minute and she said "you look like you lost a lot of weight." I was like "thanks." (She's a nutritionist and she did my body fat for me last year...a very upsetting/depressing thing for me). She knows I don't exactly care for my body and she knows I workout a lot, but that's about it.

So I go back to my machine to clean it off and this other woman who I've known forever from the gym (we both teach there and I take her classes and coached her daughter) says to me, "you have lost a lot of weight. Don't lose any more." I responded with, "Yeah, I've been sick so I haven't been eating much and haven't been working out a lot so I probably lost a lot of muscle." She then preceded to tell me to be careful because eating disorders are running rampant and she sees so many people with them, even people her age (45) are developing them. I was like "I know. It's scary. I have so many friends with eating disorders. It's sad and scary."

I love pulling off the I know they're so scary and dangerous approach and I've seen too many people suffer. I think it helps make it look like I would never do that to myself.

Anyway, she told me to go home and eat some protein. I told her I did already, which was not a lie!

The shirt I was wearing must have made me look thinner.

Oh, so I went back over to talk to D. and she was like "how much weight did you lose, 5 lbs?" I was like yeah and she asked me how. I told her I didn't really know but as long as it stayed off I didn't care. She said that part of it was probably dehydration from being sick and that it would come back and I told her that most of it was gone before I got sick.

The key will be to keep it off while I am in Florida next week. I won't have a gym to workout on but I will be walking on the beach everyday and going for runs too. I probably won't be eating much either, so maybe I'll even lose weight if I'm lucky. The scary thing is that I won't have my scale for 7 days!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! That is just a huge freakout in and of itself. A tan always makes you look thinner so that's good. If I can get tan AND lose weight that would be even better!


Thursday, January 04, 2007

Don't know what to call this

I crawled into bed last night wishing that I had my laptop with me and wishing that I hadn't turned it off because I so needed to blog.

I weighed myself before I went to bed, which is not an unusual thing for me to do. Hmm, now that I think about it, I do think I weigh myself less than I used to. I don't think I'm hopping on that thing 15 times a day, which is a good thing I guess. Anyway, I weighed myself and I wasn't happy with the result. It's bad because I have this number in my head of what I think I should be before I go to bed which helps me calculate what I should weigh when I wake up in the morning. The number wasn't what I wanted it to be when I was going to sleep. The scary thing is that it was the number that would usually make me happy to wake up with. Clearly that means I just want it to go lower and lower, which I already knew.

So I went to bed kind of angry, but I also went to bed thinking that I am much more scared of the number going up than I am of it going down. The other day I was thinking I was scared that I was going to lose control and lose too much weight, but last night I was not thinking that at all. It was the complete opposite. It's so crazy to me how I can have two totally contrasting thoughts within such a close time period. I guess that's what our minds do to us. I'll never understand it.

I wasn't happy with the number on the scale this morning, but ironically enough, I feel kind of small right now. It's probably because I am sitting in a big sweatshirt and sweatpants right now. Lovely work attire, I know...not that I've been doing much work at all this week. I did go into the office once. ;)

So people keep telling me that I look pale from this damn cold. I definitely feel better but not great. I was running so much slower than usual today and my heartrate was at 175. Hey, whatever. I just need to get better so I can workout hard!!

Maybe I'll go play my drums for a bit. Haven't played them in while. Maybe I should do some work today too, since I am going away next week. I just can't wait to watch the sunset everyday and take pictures of it every night and take pictures of the beach and palm trees. If I could do that for a living, that would be so sweet!

(I can't think of a good title for this post. I have a hard time with that a lot, which is quite interesting since I wrote the news for 4 years.)

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Just writing

I played field hockey last night and it was fun. I was diving all over the turf, as usual, to try and save the ball from going out of bounds. I've got a little turf burn on my knees and hip, but it's all good. I actually ended up with the little black pebbles from the turf in my shorts. Nice, huh?

It was a good thing that I wore spandex shorts underneath my shorts because every time I ran down the field my shorts fell down. No, it's definitely NOT because I'm too thin. I think these shorts are about 8 years old and are losing their elasticity. :( It's very sad because I love these shorts.

Unfortunately I am going to miss my games next week because I will be in Florida. :( I'm bummed about that because we have 3 games instead of the usual two next week. That's like 600 calories that I won't be burning. I burned 400 last night. That made for a nice 900 calorie burn from working out yesterday. If everyday was like that I might be skinny.

Working out is still hard for me. My breathing is still messed up from being sick. I am sucking wind while I'm doing my cardio. I just don't get it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I can't breathe through my nose still.

So I feel fat right now and I don't really know why. I'd like to not eat dinner tonight but I know I won't get away with that. My sister is here so we will all be sitting down and eating together. Atleast it's chicken, which is good for me and I can just eat a little bit because I'm really not hungry.

Eating should be interesting next week, while I'm away. The woman I am going to Florida with is aware that I have some issues because she said something to me once. She kind of beat around the bush about it, but she knows something's up. The good thing is that she eats pretty healthy and works out a lot so hopefully I will lose weight on this trip. :) That would be so nice to come home tan and thinner! What's better than that?

Oh yeah, J. and I are official together I guess. He's sweet. He opens my car door for me. Best of all, he works out all the time and doesn't eat all that much, and what he does eat is always healthy so I don't think he thinks my eating habits are weird at all. :) That means I can get away with a lot. My occasional comments on my body might cause a problem though. I just can't help it when I feel so gross and he goes to touch my stomach or something. I get so grossed out by the fact that he's feeling my fat.


Another random thought -- I'm 29 years old, am I going to have an eating disorder forever?? Not that I'm really "bad" but it would suck to live like this forever. I need to have a life at some point in time.

Oh well...

Why I blog...one year later

I started this blog just over a year ago. I thought it would be the perfect place for me to get all of my thoughts and feelings out without putting them in a journal where someone might find what I've written. So, let me just all my thoughts out in cyberland for the whole world to see, right? Well, atleast no one will know it's me writing them.

So this is my place to vent, think, and just get it all out there. All my crazy thoughts and everything. I never thought that anyone would actually read it. I mean, I'm really not that exciting. So, to have people (you guys) come back day after day and read and leave such amazing and supportive comments for me is astonishing. I love that some of you bust on me and joke around with me because I'm all about sarcasm and jokes. I love the advice you all give me. It's all great.

I'm backtracking now. I didn't expect anyone to be reading this blog so I was just writing whatever came to my head or was on my mind. Once people started reading it I started wondering if I should not mention things like calories and numbers, when talking about my eating issues...which is pretty much every post. I didn't want it to be triggering for anyone, but then I thought, hey, I am writing this blog for me as a way for me to "get it all out," I can't worry about the effects it may have on others. They can chose not to read it but I really need to remain true to myself. I'm sure I've censored myself some but I'm trying not to do that. This is my means of therapy, kind of, so I just need to keep writing.

So one year later this is where I am. I hope you guys keep reading and writing. You all rock. :)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Tired!

I'm so tired right now. It's probably a combination of getting only 5 hours of sleep New Year's Eve and waking up at 4 o'clock this morning.

I woke up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back to sleep until 5:30 or so. When my alarm went off at 6:30 AM I was not a happy camper. I've realized that the past three times I've woken up and not been able to get back to sleep have been the times that my cat has not been sleeping on my bed. Coincidence or not, I don't really know.

So I woke up and my brain was going 100 miles a minute. I hate when I can't shut it off. I lay there and try so hard to just stop thinking but it never seems to work. I can't even remember everything that was going through my head last night, but I know it was all ED related.

I started thinking about how maybe I'm starting to scare myself a little. I've lost a few pounds over the past month or so and I don't even really know how I did it. I've always hovered between 103-105 lbs (like for the past 5 years) and the past couple of days I've been 99 lbs. Obviously that's exciting for me but I also started getting a little scared too. What if I can't stop? What if people notice and say something to me? What if I end up really sick? Part of me thinks I'm on a dangerous road right now because I know how controlling the scale is. I know I will freak when the numbers go up but I don't know how to stop when I think they go to low, if I ever get to that point. And, if I do get to that point will I recognize it? Will my friends that are aware of the situation step up and say something to me? I think the two that see me often would. Would I listen to them if they did say something? Would I recognize that something was wrong? So much to think about. Funny, for someone who doesn't stress out about things I sure spend a lot of time thinking about things.

So that's what kept me up for 90 minutes. I'm still congested, which made it difficult to workout and teach this morning. Sure make sprinting while I'm playing field hockey tonight interesting. It will still be fun though.

I think I'm going to try and take a nap. I just got a little hungry but I'm so tired that I don't even feel like eating. I just want to sleep.

Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year's Day (part 2)

It's now 9:04 on New Year's day. So far 2007 has been good to me. ;) I got to go to the gym this morning, which was a surprise because I didn't think I was going to get to workout today considering the fact that my gym was closed and I was in NYC. Well, gyms in NYC weren't closed so I got to workout!! That was a plus.

After my friend G. and I worked out we showered and grabbed lunch. Then it was time to me to leave. I was hoping to sleep on the train but that didn't happen. It was packed and I was all cramped up in my seat. Imagine if I was actually tall and required leg room?

I got picked up and went to my sister's house to celebrate my mom's birthday. I had made her an apple cake and I actually ate a little piece. I kind of realized that it wasn't going to kill me, especially since I hadn't eaten dinner, so I ate it. I was a little nervous about it afterwards because it was really too sweet for me and I felt a like I shouldn't have eaten it. Everything turned out okay though because I came home and weighed myself and it was all good.

I have to admit, I had the desire to weigh myself several times while I was in the city this weekend. I was really itching to do it a few times but obviously had no place to do it. I don't know what's going to happen next week when I go to Florida. Ugh, I can't think about that yet.

Anyway, I'm heading to bed. I had 5 hours of sleep last night which is so NOT enough, especially since I had 12 the night before and 10 two nights in a row before that. I LOVE SLEEP!! It will only help my cold too.

Happy New Year, ya'll!

FYI, NYC was a blast. Hopefully I will have a place there next month!! :)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!! Hope 2007 proves to be a happy and healthy New Year for everyone!

I'm in NYC right now and I probably should still be sleeping, but I'm not. I have a lot of blogging to catch up on but now is not the time. Too much to write and think about.

Last night two of my friends and I rang in the New Year by running a 4 mile race in Central Park. The weather was perfect, the skyline was beautiful, and amazingly enough I was able to breathe through my nose for the first time in 5 days! My other friend had been sick too so we thought we were going to be sucking wind the whole time.

It was a great night. There were fireworks, tons of people and music playing. I have no idea why anyone would want to be in Times Square. Ugh! Plus, I burned 500 calories. Come on now, what's better than that? Seriously, I can't think of any other way I would have liked to have spent my New Year's Eve. I'm not a fan of the holiday so I usually just sit on my couch with a few friends, but this was perfect.

I called J. to wish him a happy New Year and he was already on his way to a drunken state. This probably sounds bad but I'm glad I actually had plans this year so I didn't have to go to the party with him and be around all those drunk people. I would have been annoyed just with that, but add on the cold and major need for sleep and I would have been seriously annoyed!

Before the race I went with my friend to her friend's house for a little party. At first we were supposed to have a sit-down dinner but it was changed to appetizers. That made me feel better about things. It was all good, no stress, a fun time...minus the fact that the two of us looked like we were about to pass out from tiredness. (is that a word? It is now).

Today's my mom's birthday. She found the molasses for me so I was able to make her the cookies (which she doesn't even like I found out) yesterday. I also made her an apple bundt cake and did laundry, worked out, showered, packed, wrapped her gift and managed to hop on a train to get here. I don't know how I got it all done.

I have to get my ass back in gear now. I'll hit the gym in the morning and do my cardio. Then I have to teach a strength class. Tomorrow night I start indoor field hockey. Woo hoo!! I love it!! I think I'm running a half marathon, weather permitting, in January so I need to be in shape. Granted, I know I can do it, but I feel like I lost so much over the past week not being able to workout.

I had another dream that my parents were sending me inpatient. The dream seemed so real it was scary. My friend H. was there too, trying to help me and tell me that it was going to be okay. I think she may have even been trying to help me run away so I didn't have to go but that doesn't really make sense because in real life she is not the type of person that would aid me in that behavior. I just remember trying to hide from my parents so I didn't have to go.

I don't know why I have these dreams. I'm not underweight or in any physical danger where I'd need to be put into a hospital. Maybe part of me is scared that I might get to that point. I don't know. I think that would be the worst thing in the world. Even worse would be my parents seeing me like that. I would hate that.

It's weird because I don't want to look like I have an eating disorder because I don't want people whispering and talking about me and worrying, yet part of me feels like I need to be 90 lbs in order for me to believe that I have an eating disorder. I don't know if that's the point I think I need to get to in order to get help or what. I don' t know.

When I think about everything that goes through my mind and the things I do and the things that freak me out--then I realize that yeah, I guess I do have an eating disorder. I don't know why there's just that one part of me that feels I need to be completely emaciated to really believe it.

I don't want to be this way the rest of my life but the fear of gaining weight is just so great, I don't know how to overcome it. It's like, I'm finally losing weight I can't turn back now.

Okay, I'm getting way too deep for January 1st and for this early in the morning. I should be at the gym right now but it's closed. I'm also in another state.

I hope you all have a wonderful year! Be good to yourselves!!

xoxo