Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What's going on?

I've been getting on the scale more again these days. I'm not really sure what that's about. Ever since I got home from the trip with J. I've been on the scale more. I talked about that a little with Charro last night but we didn't really come up with anything. My thought is that now that I have "Bertha" back, I want to get on her more. She still wants me to bring "Bertha" to her office so she can "take care of her" for me. What is this a Soprano's episode?

I have "evidence" from those four days that I can eat somewhat normally and not gain weight, but it's not enough evidence. I still can't trust it. I hate eating meals. I freak out for the most part, even if it's a small, healthy meal. I just feel like I've eaten too much because I have this huge plate of food in front of me and I'm used to just picking at things throughout the day. I don't like having to sit down and eat a meal. I get anxious, especially after eating because I feel like I've eaten too much and I feel fat and uncomfortable. I start shaking my leg to release some of that angst.

I've just eaten so much and know that I've gained weight. I ate a big lunch thinking with the thought that I won't eat dinner because of my big lunch. Let's hope that works.

I was just in my car and saw my legs and how big they are. It grossed me out. Reminded me so much of Ethan Lipton's song, "I Like Your Thighs." I was going to stick the link in here but it seems that he's taken the song down. Oh well.


Sarah said...

I think it makes a lot of sense. You've been really working hard with Charro lately, and you've been making progress. It's clear from your posts, you're really getting a lot of insight into yourself. It makes sense that your symptoms would "talk" louder. They know they're being threatened.

Emily Jolie said...

Hey love,

It's so hard to go beyond your comfort level, but you are doing it, and that's a big step towards healing!

lots of love,


PalmTreeChick said...

You have a good point, Sarah. I didn't think about that. I don't feel like I'm working hard though, since I keep "messing up."

Thanks, EJ. I like to stay within my comfort level.

disordered girl said...

I understand so much of this, PTC. It is so hard to trust. It takes time. Keep working on it, girl. There is so much more to you than the number on the scale!

PalmTreeChick said...

Patience is not one of my strong points, DG. :)