Monday, June 18, 2007

Too many thoughts

I have so much stupid crap going through my mind. I don't even know where to begin. I've got these "experiments" that I am doing for Charro. (I guess there more for myself). I don't feel like doing them. I'm sick of doing things. I'm sick of writing in my FFJ. I'm sick of not being able to weigh myself when I want to. I'm supposed to not "skip" meals, but I really don't even care about that experiment. I should probably be trying harder but I really don't want to. I'm just sick of it.

Let's be honest here, I don't see Charro until July 13, that's just under 4 weeks from now. What do I want to accomplish by then? Not the goals she wants me to accomplish. I want to lose weight. Now, that's productive!! What the hell will that do for me?? I want to be skinny when I see her next. Why? It's not like I need to prove to her that I have an eating disorder? Maybe I need to prove it to myself. I don't really know. She obviously already thinks that I'm "sick" and "disordered" but I tend to disagree with that. I'm not saying that there's not something wrong with me, I can see that...sometimes. I just don't think it's that bad. I can look at myself (inner self) and realize that some of the things I do are "not right." I know that it sucks to be this way. I really do know that. I would like to be "normal." I would like to not have to worry about this crap all the time. That would be really nice.

I feel like I'm just ready to say "screw it" and weigh myself when I want to. I feel bad because I'm going to end up letting Charro down. I already know that the meal thing is not going to happen. I don't want it to happen and I'm very stubborn so it will be hard to change my mind on that. Charro even pointed out my "hard headedness." I will try to cut down on my weighing, even though I so don't want to. I just want to know what I weigh all the time so I can be in control of that situation. Ugh!

I had so many more thoughts but they went somewhere so when they come back I'll be back.


Linds said...

Same here! I go to the doc on Wed and all I can think about is weighing less, proving to them, to the insurance company who screwed me over, to everyone, that I have a PROBLEM.

Why do I need to prove anything???

All I know is that, the same damn hard-headedness that got us to this place is going to get us back. It takes the same willpower to say yes to food as it originally did to say no.

Like Carrie says, people think anorexia is willpower... well, they're wrong - the true willpower is RECOVERY.


PalmTreeChick said...

Yeah, it's messed up. I don't want to have a "problem." I want to be normal!

You're right about the hard-headedness thing. I don't know who Carrie is but she has a good point.

ania said...

Dear PalmTreeChick,

I'm sorry that things are still feeling less than great for you.

And, Lindsey's right.

But you know that, deep inside.

We (you and we) know that you can push your body to it's limit.

We (you and we) know that you can restrict.

We (you and we) know.

And, we (tentative 'you' and firmly convinced 'we') know that you can apply that determination to the goal of reaching a more centered and less abusive place for yourself.

With (tender) care....

ms. em said...

hi ptc,

just finished reading your post and looked up to see lindsey's comment. carrie is another wonderful woman who, like me, blogs about anorexia recovery. is that what you are working on, as well? i don't mean to just throw it out there like that, however, I truly don't believe having any eating disorder is something to be ashamed about. if you're giving voice to it, you are accepting that deep down it isn't the life you want to live. and, that is brave.

i wrote on my blog yesterday about the fact that the word numb is embedded in the word number. i'd love to hear what you think about that. it's something that made a whole lotta sense to me, so figured i'd share in hopes it helps.

do you own a hammer? would you consider smashing your scale? i've done it. it's highly therapeutic. i don't know how far you are from boston, but i'd be happy to bring you a hammer:)

with support,
ms. em

Sarah said...

hey PTC,

what if you tried doing these things just one day at a time? It's so hard to say, for example, "I will never skip a meal again" but what if you just tried to say, "Today, I will try not to skip a meal."

Thinking about doing (or not doing) something forever seems impossible. But day by day? Even hour by hour? It could be easier.

I hope you have a peaceful day today.


Emily Jolie said...

I feel bad because I'm going to end up letting Charro down.

Palm, you know that the only person you'd be letting down is yourself. Not Charro.

Ms. Em, haha, Palm smash her scale?? You must not know Palm yet. She would protect her scale with her life! Haha. I do think it's a brilliant idea, though! Very liberating! Now if only I had a scale to smash...

with love,


ms. em said...

while in no way am i paying money for a scale, i'm sure i can scavenger for one so we can take turns smashing it:)

eek! ok...whoops. ej has pointed out that the scale smashing may be a sacreligious thought for you. sorry! meant no harm!!!

Soledad said...

I am feelings kinda crappy for you right now. I hate that these thoughts invade you so much. Your life is losing weight, can you see that? Cna you see that a lot of your persoanlity is hiding under your e.d.

You are so spunky and smart. I love it. I bet you are even more so then you let on. Could you see not weighing yourself as much and committing to one meal a day as liberating a little tiny piece of yourself from hiding?

I totally smashed my scale. It rocked



PalmTreeChick said...

Hey Ania,

SO nice to hear from you again. Um, I suck at restricting, that I know!!
I'm okay so don't feel bad for me, it's just this whole eating disorder crap that sucks!

Hey Ms. Em, apparently (according to Charro) I am working on the whole anorexia thing, though I would not call myself anorexic. Very interesting about the whole "numb/numbers" thing. I'll have to give that one some thought.

I DO own a hammer, a couple actually, but NO way am I going to smash my scale, aka "Bertha." Ha! As EJ has pointed out. I LOVE my scale. I want to get a new one though, the one that gives you your body fat percent too. I need to check out your post later.

You have a very good point, Sarah. That would be the best way to go about it, the problem is that I don't want to not skip meals. I want to not eat so I can lose weight.

EJ, I feel like Charro is working so hard for me and I am letting her down. I feel badly about that because I think she actually cares about what I'm doing to myself. (Or she does a good job at faking it)

Ms. Em, (again) :)

Sole, I can see that. It sucks and I wish that it wasn't my life but I'm not really sure I'm ready for it not to be my life. Then what would I do?

Thanks for the compliments too. :)

You guys are awesome.

t said...

"It sucks and I wish that it wasn't my life but I'm not ready for it not to be my life. Then what would I do?"

That's exactly it! You wish the ED wasn't your life, but you're not really ready to let go. You still have the "i-want-to-be-skinnier" feelings and on top of that, what else would you do? It seems to me like some list making is in order. You need to write all of the positive things you have going for you or your goals for the future or whatever - THAT'S what else you would do. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're getting there, really.

PalmTreeChick said...

I've done the pros and cons list. That was fun. LOL.
I want to stop having the "want to be skinny" feeling and just BE skinny!

Linds said...

When the "want to be skinny" stops, all hell breaks lose... it becomes a matter of trying to MAINTAIN at all costs that which you (finally) feel.

It's almost worse.

PalmTreeChick said...

I need to get there, linds!