Friday, June 15, 2007

Intensity

"Intensity," a word I'd hear from my basketball coach during practice in high school.

"Intense," the word I'd use to describe my appointment with Charro today. I don't really know where to begin and I'm not really sure I feel like writing about it right now. I'm still trying to let things marinate into my brain and figure things out. That might take a long, long time.

We talked about my parents finding my blog post back in November. She said how I was "sick" and "in treatment," two things I really didn't care to hear. I responded with "I am not sick." I'm not sick. She also said that I am "underweight" which I am so not either.

There's 8 million more things that happened but I don't feel like writing now. Maybe tomorrow when I get home. The goals she wants me to do for the next few weeks while she's away suck. As she put it, "It's a good time to experiment since we won't see each other for a few weeks." Um, not really. She wants me to weigh myself less, eventually getting to one time a day by week three (yeah right), and she wants me to NOT skip meals. Okay, like that is really going to happen. A grape is now going to be considered a meal in my book. How the hell am I supposed to LOSE weight if I'm eating?? Please, someone give me an answer to that one.

Okay, I'm done for now but I may be back.

7 comments:

disordered girl said...

Hey girl,
Just let yourself have time to process it, and think about what you want to get out of going to see her. Remember she is there to help you get to a healthier place, not a skinnier one (you are SKINNY!!).

We're all super proud of the steps you are taking just by talking to her. Have a great weekend!!
DG

t said...

Take your time to marinate... And eat :)

Sarah said...

It's going to be okay . . . The two of you can figure this out and we're all behind you every step of the way.

Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes recovery really sucks. It isn't all kittens and bubbles. It's important for all of us to remember that when we get angry or scared or frustrated (like me for the past few days) it doesn't mean we're "doing it wrong.". It means we're plowing through the hardest stuff.

Hang in there. I got your back.

PalmTreeChick said...

Thanks, DG. I know she is there to help me. She even said yesterday, "I really want to help you." I want to lose weight though.

Ha ha, that's funny T. :P

Hey Sarah, I like kittens!! :) Eh, who knew this would be as hard as it is. Oh well, I don't even think I've begun the hard stuff yet. I've got YOUR back too!

Emily Jolie said...

Dearest Palm,

I see two conflicting forces at play here, each pulling in opposing directions. One wants you to get healthy. The other wants you to get skinny. (Or skinnier, I should say, because you are already so skinny!) It's a constant tug-o-war. Do you see that? I can see how it tears at you.

I know you are still routing for the skinny force, but I, along with Charro and the rest of the people who love you, am routing for the healthy force. You will still always be thin, Palm. You will never be overweight. Not even chubby.

And, babe, I have to agree with her. I do think you're underweight. Even if you use charts and statistics to defend your argument. You are so thin.

Well, you have 3 weeks to let things marinate, so take it one step at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Both physically and mentally. Okay?

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

love,

ej

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I rarely comment though I read every post. I don't like to admit that I can relate.

There, I said it.

You are so good at admitting to those "skinny" and "fat" feelings. HA! Not skinny feelings, but rather WANTING to be skinny. And feeling fat. And all in between (which is everything, right?)...

Well my dear, have a good weekend!
Lindsey

PalmTreeChick said...

Yes, EJ, I definitely am aware of this huge tug-o-war going on, or as Charro would say "a war going on in my head."

I am so routing for the skinny route, more than anything and I don't know why.

I still have to disagree with the whole me being underweight thing.

I will let things marinate but I still want to lose weight before she comes back from her vaca.

Hey Lindsey,
Thanks for reading everything and for finally commenting. I hope you comment more. I'm sorry that you can relate, that sucks. It's definitely not a fun thing to have to deal with and I'm realizing that more and more.

I hope you have a great weekend as well.