Saturday, June 23, 2007

I am F'ing HUGE!

This is NOT going to be a good post, just a forewarning.

I am FUCKING HUGE!! I'm not eating tomorrow. I will eat my breakfast, go to the gym and then eat very minimal amounts throughout the day. I have to. I have managed to gain like 6 lbs in a week, 4 of that being today. How the fuck does that happen. I can't fucking deal. I know I drank a lot of water and I haven't peed a lot, so I must be retaining some, but still, WHAT THE FUCK!! I'm going to fucking starve myself and I don't care. If I eat frozen yogurt tomorrow, even if it's 3 fucking bites, I will fucking puke it up! I don't care. I want to puke now!! I so could puke now and should.

All I have to say is fuck fucking everything until I lose 10 fucking fat fucking pounds!! I am fucking going insane. I hate this shit. It fucking sucks and I'm going to fucking starve myself. I don't really care. I am going to do whatever the fuck it is that I have to do to lose 10 lbs. I can't fucking deal.

People try to tell me that I'll be happier if I gain weight and less obsessed. Fuck that. Not the case. I am more obsessed and more miserable. I don't fucking care if I don't eat for 6 days and pass out in the fucking gym. I really don't give two shits. Maybe if I took two shits I lose a fucking pound or two. I am losing my fucking mind. How the hell am I ever going to fall asleep? I am the size of a fucking blimp! I should swim laps in my pool for an hour tomorrow. Maybe I'll burn some calories in the freezing water. FUCK!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck!! I can't wait until tomorrow when I can start starving myself. I've got some fucking Hydroxycut in my draw that needs to be used up and there's no better time than now.

I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm going to find my stupid pills in my draw and try and go to bed so I can start fucking starving myself and doing whatever the hell it is that I have to do to lose 10 fucking pounds!

Hey, Charro would NOT think I was anorexic now. She'd sent me to a fucking fat farm!


DaileeGirl said...

I am guessing that something happened today that has you really upset. Your blog had me crying. I hate seeing/reading how unhappy and upset you are. I want you to be happy and healthy and pleased with the sweet, caring, wonderful person that you are. Expect a "ring! ring!" from me tomorrow. I promise, I won't be doing any fussing at you. I just care and want to hear your voice. Muah!

Anonymous said...

It's incredible. I am just a passing reader, but every blog I have read from you feels as though I myself could have written those very same words. Stay strong. It seems you have many people in your corner who care. Today is just one day out of many. Tomorrow could hold something that will blow this day out of the water, in a positive sense.

Sarah said...

Hey babe, I am so sorry that you feel so bad. I know this feeling so well where you would do anything. I hope you are feeling a tiny bit better at least this morning, and if you are not just pleas remember that I'm on your side and I know you will get through this. I know its hard to believe but this will pass.

Tash said...

Sory you are feeling that way hun. From what you've said about your weight it is so obvious that you are not fat but that doesn't take away how you feel about it. I'm sorry to see you hurting so badly.

Tash x x x

PalmTreeChick said...

Hey Pol,
Nothing happened yesterday to make me so upset, minus my weight!! I think about you and what you're going thru and I should be grateful for my health and not so fucked up with this shit. I should appreciate what I have.

Thanks Anon. I hope you keep coming by and commenting. I'm sorry that YOU can relate to all of this. I wish you couldn't.

Thanks Sarah. Still feeling like crapola but whatever.

Thanks Tash!

BeeBee said...

I can definitly relate to how you are feeling. My mom always tells me that I have to stop letting food control my life. That I'm too young to let food and weight ruin my day because when I'm 49 I'll look back and regret the days I wasted being upset about stuff like this. When she tells me stuff like that it helps me wake up a little. Hope you feel better.

Soledad said...

Sorry. So So Sorry. I know how crappy that feels. If you are nice to yourself you might feel a little better about the whole thing:) Like...can you accept this weight gain for just one day??? Not let it dictate yourself worth for one day? You know...decide to worry about it Scarlett O'Hara:)

I am sending you hugs.



CookieGirl said...

I can relate. I wish I had a big, powerful, nasty-thoughts-eraser that could clear our minds on days like these. hugs to you.

PalmTreeChick said...

Beebee, you're mom has a very good point. I wish we could hear what she has to say!

ME TOO, Cookie!

PalmTreeChick said...

Sole, I missed your comment. I am trying not to let it bother me but I can't help it. I'm trying harder to lose it though!

æ said...

I know those desperate feelings, and it can--it does!--get better.

Keep going, PTC. We all know you can do it.


PalmTreeChick said...

Thanks AE.