Thursday, May 31, 2007

My friend H.

As you know, if you read my earlier post, I did not go to the gym this morning. I went for a run outside. Well, at about 11:30 AM I got a call from my friend H. She wanted to know if I was okay. How cute is that? She said something like, "It's not like you to not be at the gym in the morning. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I told her that I ran outside. Isn't that sweet? I keep telling Charro that people will wonder where I am if I don't go to the gym and now I have evidence to back that up. She's big on "evidence." :) I love H.!

Which is right?

I've been freaking out all week because I gained a pound. I know, 1 pound and I'm over the edge. Well, I woke up this morning and weighed the most I've weighed in two months. Funny, a few months ago I would have killed for that weight. So I was freaking out, once again.

I went for a 12 mile run with my friend M. along the beach. It was absolutely picturesque. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Saw a little yellow bird amongst the flowers and the water and sky were beautiful. Anyway, both are legs were shot during the run. We were struggling and I know I'll be suffering tomorrow while I'm trying to workout.

I got home and weighed myself and it was almost three pounds lighter than it was this morning. So I stepped on and off 6 times before getting in the shower. I got the same number all six times. I was psyched but I also am taking into consideration that dehydration may be playing a part in the lower number, though I had had about 40 ounces of water already, if not more. I got out of the shower and weighed myself again. It was up almost a pound and that number came up 3x. So I calibrated my scale and got a different (lower) number 3 times. This was 2 ounces different than number I got the first 6x. So, I am pretty sure I am somewhere in that range and that makes me happy. I guess going to the bathroom twice this morning helped aid with the weight loss. Let's just hope all those numbers were right and the one I got first thing this morning and last night were completely wrong. I don't know how I could possibly have gained weight because I'm not eating that much. Makes no sense to me so I will be really happy if these were the correct numbers. Any of them I will take, though the lowest one would be the best.

I still feel and look fat though.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Why food is scary!

I was looking at the AOL welcome page and stumbled across "Hidden Diet Hazards Of Restaurant Chains." This is why food is scary and why it sucks. I will never eat another veggie burger again. I'm just thankful that I've never had one at Ruby Tuesdays. Here's why:

Think twice before picking Ruby Tuesday's veggie burger as a healthy option, as the sandwich clocks in at a mind-blowing 943 calories. Mind you, this doesn't include toppings or any side dishes. We're not sure what's been done to this poor burger, but with 52 grams of fat we're going to put this on our "don't" list.

That's scary!! That's why I stick with a salad with the dressing on the side! You think you're eating healthy but you're not! It sucks!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A Bad Poem by Me

I really want to weigh myself.
I need to know the number.
If I was a carpenter,
I'd go and get some lumber.

Not weighing myself can be really hard.
Especially when I feel like a big fat piece of lard.

When I write these poems,
I have no rhyme or reason.
During the Holidays,
We say "Tis the season."

That pen kind of sucked.
So I got a new one.
This one's nice and sparkly
Which makes it kind of fun.

I almost died while cleaning my shower.
The fumes were ridiculous and started to overpower.

My eyes turned red and watery
and started to burn.
I started coughing.
The cleaning took a wrong turn.

I'll never use that solution again.
It could cause death.
Why was I cleaning on in the first place?
That could have been my last breath.

I just got an email.
It was something stupid.
I hate Valentine's Day.
And that man we call Cupid.

I have a big zit on my chin.
I'd like to keep on picking.
They say KFC is really good,
In fact it's "Finger Lickin'."

I hear the crickets outside my window.
The birds are chirping too.
I can't believe it's 8 o'clock.
Oh, what shall I do.

The sauce I made kind of sucks.
I'll eat it on some broccoli.
When I drive to the gym I see geese, not ducks.
Let's go play Monopoly.

As you can see I'm really bored
So I write bad poems.
There's a hole in my shorts
Perhaps I shall go sew 'em.

I really think "Bertha" misses me.
She seems to be so lonely.
I just want to weigh 94 pounds
and no, that's no bologna.

(why is it spelled bologna??)

I think I'll conclude this poem
because it serves no purpose.
I went and did trapeze.
Now I can join the circus!

Everything that I just wrote is all true.
The girl in Karate Kid is named Elizabeth Shue.

(I wrote this poem in my FJJ and Jen found it funny so I posted it.)

Not gonna bother me

I decided that I'm not going to let this weight thing get to least for least for this moment. We'll see how long it lasts. I'm not going to stress. I will be relaxed and at ease and do what I know how to do to lose weight. I will lose the weight and it will be easy and effortless. I will lose 2 pounds before Friday. I will be happy with that and then work towards my target weight from there. I'll get there and I'll do it in a "cool, calm and collected" (thank you Mike Brady) kind of way. ;)

That was my positive, peaceful, almost zen-like post. I can do this. Positive affirmations. :)

I won't even look at the other side of things like Charro thinking that my goal weight is "too thin" and unhealthy. It's not. It's all good. I can be that weight and be healthy.

I'm going to stop writing now so I can stay in my positive, peaceful place.

Monday, May 28, 2007

So yeah...

It's beautiful out and I still feel like crap. At least I had a good workout this morning. I ended up teaching a spinning class because the instructor didn't show up. Yeah, more workout for me and 700 calories later I'M STILL FAT!!! I mean seriously, what more can I do about this? I really have no idea. I'm losing my mind. I'm usually not one to say this, in fact I don't think I've ever said this, but I'm kind of struggling a bit right now. It just sucks!! I couldn't lose a freaking ounce if my life depended on it. WTF? Now I get to go to J's house for a picnic with his parents. That's really not much of a picnic. There probably won't be any food there that I will eat, which is fine with me because I don't want to eat anyway. I don't eat seafood, that will be there. I think there will be a salad but it better not be drenched in fat. I can't deal. Wonderful. I just wanted to float around in my pool all day and do nothing and I can't even do that. Now I have to go act all cheerful and make conversation with his parents about stupid motorcycles and eat food that I don't want to eat and get fatter! Who can ask for anything more?

Ahhhhh....that's really all there is left to say.

I'm clearly failing big time so far this week with my "challenges." I can't even deal with that right now. Maybe I'm wasting my time being in therapy. Clearly I don't want to get any better. Sure, it sucks being this way but clearly I just want to lose weight more than anything. Charro says that I shouldn't worry about letting her down, but I do. I could care less about letting myself down. She's the one trying to get me better and I'm failing her. Ugh.

I can smell the brownies that I'm baking. They must be almost done. Can I just go into hiding for a while. I want to go back to trapeze school too. That was fun! At least I can still have fun in my life and not be totally consumed with this crap. (just 99 percent consumed).

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I can't do this anymore

I can't take it. I can't cut down on my workouts. I can't not weigh myself a million times. I can't deal with the fact that I'm getting fatter by the second, burning less calories during my workouts and have to stress out about it all the time. WTF!!!?? I can't freaking take it!! I'm going insane. I don't know how the hell I'm getting fatter. I really don't. I'm seriously going to fucking starve myself. I don't even care anymore. I just don't get it. I need to just not eat any food at all this week. If only I really could do that.

My rents are heading out of town again tomorrow so I have a week to try and freaking not eat much. I NEED to LOSE weight. I can't stress that enough. I can't take this crap anymore. I'm working out for 3 frigging hours tomorrow. I know I'm failing my assignment but I have to do it. I need to do it. I just don't care anymore. Charro would say that it's the "ed voices." Whatever. It's the fucking scale, not the voices!! It's saying " you see that your a fat ass?!!" Clearly, I see it. I've just gotta lay it all on the line starting now!! As little food as possible. I hope I can actually do it instead of just saying it.

Flying high

Yes, that's me...

I'm back home. It's a beautiful weekend weather wise. Last night I went to trapeze school with one of my friends. It was so much fun. I was scared to death when I climbed up there and wanted to just throw up or something. I'm not really sure. It was scary but a blast!! It was only scary the first time though. I actually flew and hung from my knees and then latched on to the guy on the other trapeze and swung with him. I can't wait to do it again.

That was the good stuff, now the bad stuff...

I didn't lose a freaking ounce when I was away and I really need to. Here's the problem, I still really want to lose weight more than anything. I don't really know how I can feel that way and be going to see Charro at the same time. Granted, I'm not going to quit because I do get a lot out of it, she makes me think, I like her, and I think it's good for me. So, I'm not quitting but I want/need to lose weight!

My appointment went fine on Friday. I started getting squirmy at the end because I started talking about things that I didn't really want to talk about. I told her that I want to lose weight while she's away. She was like "I'm glad you told me that." (She'll be away for 3 weeks). She asked me what my target weight was and when I told her she was like "No way! That is way too thin!" I tend to disagree with that. After all, I was only 3.5 lbs away from it a few weeks ago. Now I'm a little further away from that, unfortunately...and that needs to change. She thinks I'm "underweight" now, which is totally not the case. It's so far from the case.

Ugh, I think I'm getting hungry. Maybe I'll eat some fruit and avoid eating real food. I really just don't want to eat. I need to lose weight. I think I'm getting more obsessed but who knows. I guess it happens.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Be back Sunday!

Happy Memorial Day everyone! Hope you all have a great weekend. The weather here is beautiful. I wish I wasn't going to NYC and was staying at the beach/pool! I'm going in for the usual; Charro, trapeze school. You know how it goes. ;) Actually, I'm very nervous about trapeze as I don't like heights too much. I think I'm gonna need some meds before going on that thing!! I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Anyway, I'm fat and need to lose 3 lbs this weekend. I'm hungry right now and that's not good. Ugh, I need to be skinny and not hungry and that would be perfect.

K, I'll catch up with ya'll Sunday!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

No gym today!

I skipped the gym today! Before ya'll get so excited, that doesn't mean that I didn't workout. :) Ha! I went for a nice run along the beach with some peeps from the gym. Four of us started the run, which was going to be only about 5 miles. Well, my friend M. and I wanted to keep running so we did. We ran to the beach and through the beach/park and then ran back. The only problem is that we had no water and were dying of thirst. We ended up running about 11.5 miles. It was good. We chatted the whole time, which always helps. Sometimes I fail to chat enough while running with others. We ran at a good pace too. We did it in 88 minutes, which isn't bad at all. My back is bothering me a little but it's all good.

It's absolutely beautiful out. I'm sitting at my kitchen table doing some work (well, not at the moment.) The windows and doors are open and I will be on the back deck at some point today. Tomorrow it's going to hit 90 degrees!! I LOVE IT!! Too bad I'll be on the stupid train to NY.

Here are some pics of where we ran. These were not taken today as I did not run with my camera. :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Frustration and bad dreams

I'm so ready to give up on my challenges. It's not like I even really feel the need to weigh myself a million times a day anymore, it's more like I just want to. Right now I'm at the point where I'm just fed up with the fact that I gained a pound and feel like I need to monitor it and in order to do that I need to weigh myself all the time. It's the only way I can control my weight. I hate not having that control but I hate the fact that I'm not losing weight, and even gaining it even more.

I had this horrible dream that my mom found my FFJ. She came in my room in the middle of the night and told me that she had found it and read it. I quickly woke up from that nightmare before I could find out anymore.

The other night I dreamt that Martina was over and we were looking at some papers and on it it said "bulimic." She looked at me and started to say something and I quickly shut her up because my parents were in the room. I then pulled her away and assured her that I was not bulimic but did have some issues. At least I got to hang out with Martina! :)

I need to start dreaming about Bora Bora and other nice places!!

Idol ends tonight. DWTS concluded last night. Yeah, free time!!

The weather is absolutely beautiful. I walked in the house singing some Little Big Town after this morning and my mom said, "You're happy today." Ha! Ya, I guess I've been kind of quiet lately. I don't have much to say. They're going away again on Monday so I'll be free again...for another week at least.

I really need to move to NYC. Though, now that it's summer I think I need to stay here so I can lounge around in my pool all day long...after work, of course. ;)

So, Charro's going away for 3 weeks. She told me that last week. She said, "Oh, did I tell you I'm going on vacation?" Um, no but I'm thinking that it's really not that big of a deal. It's not like I'll go insane or anything while she's gone. I may slip back into every "behavior" that's she's been trying to curtail but that's it. She was like "How do you feel about that?" (her being gone). I was like "Um, I'll miss you?" :) I didn't know what to say. The question kind of caught me off guard. I will miss talking to her but like I said, nothing crazy will happen in the 4 weeks that I don't talk to her. If it does, you'll all know. :)...Maybe!! ;)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My feet in a stall

This is a picture of my feet.
Don't ya think it's kind of neat?

I was standing in a stall at Texas A & M
I was there with my pal, blogger Jen.

We wanted to be funny
So I faced the other way.
To catch me in the act
of fake puking my dinner away.

It was more funny at the time
but she just sent it my way again.
So I figured that I'd post it.
Afterall, she is my friend.

It was freezing out that night.
My hands were a deep shade of purple.
You know what show I never liked?
The one with Steve Urkle.

I'm not sure if that's mud on my jeans
or if it's a reflection.
You know what I'm trying to do?
I'm starving for perfection!

A new plan

I came up with a new plan of action this morning. I thought, while in the shower of course, that I could just stop eating so much and then I could stop weighing myself. Like, if I only ate the bare minimum and foods with very little calories then I wouldn't have to weigh myself so much. I wouldn't be freaking out about gaining weight all the time. Sounded like a good idea but I bet it doesn't work.

I saw myself in the mirror at the gym today and was grossed out by my body. Shocking, I know!! My arms are fat and not toned at all and that drives me insane. I'm going to start working out hard core to get in shape. It's time!!

Monday, May 21, 2007

My "FFJ" and more...

(I love my big legs in there, by the way)

So here are some pics of the socks that Jen sent me. I have some crazy cactus ones from P-Dawg too. Also, here are some pics of the "FFJ" that Jen sent me, with the lovely messages that some of you guys included. It's filling up quickly so I might need another. Ha!! I keep threatening to quit the FFJ though. Charro doesn't really like that idea!

Crappy calorie burns

I'm frustrated with my workouts. I cannot burn a calorie for the life of me. I know I need a day off and a little recovery will help my body to work more efficiently. I'll probably take a day off this weekend because I will be in NY and it will be more like a forced day off.

I'm sleepy tired today too, probably because it's "that time of the month," not to mention starving. Ha, I hate when people talk about that.

My rents are home and already driving me insane. It's worse now too because my dad has retired and is sitting where I always sit, at the kitchen table, to do my work. Ugh! I just feel like I have no privacy. I guess I could go into the office but why would I want to do that.

I had so much I wanted to write before and now I can't remember what it was. Oh well, I know it was about my crappy workouts and feeling fat and being fat, etc. I guess it's nothing new. I guess I'll shut up now.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Talking to J.

J. and I went out to lunch with his boss today. They were working at a road race so we all decided to go eat after. No, I did not run the race, I did cardio tennis this morning instead. So, we went to eat and the he came back here. We were just sitting around talking when things got serious. I'm not sure what led into this exactly, but he asked me something about me weighing myself. It was really out of the blue. I told him I was working on it and then said that I'm going to see (a) "therapist." (The Rapist, it's from Saturday night live.) He thought I was joking at first and then I was like, "I'm serious. I'm going Friday at 4 pm." He was like "you are?" and we talked about it for a little bit. Now, he doesn't know the depth of my issues, he just knows I'm a little obsessive about the gym and weighing myself. I've never told him anything else. So, I told him I was going to see Charro but I didn't tell him that I've been going. I told him that I am going on Friday. I didn't say it was my first time but that's what I led him to believe. He was happy that I was taking a step to doing something about it. He was like "you don't think you can do this on your own?" I said "no."

After my freak out last night, I turned out to be okay this morning. My weight was okay. I overreacted once again. I have to go to my sister's house for dinner tonight, which I'm not looking forward to. I haven't had to eat dinner in almost two weeks because my parents have been away. I have eaten though. I hate feeling like I have to eat. It's horrible. We're having chicken and veggies though, so at least it's good for me. I just don't want to have to eat.


She rocked Radio City. She was awesome, as usual!! Sang some different songs from the last concert. I got to see my roommate from college. I love her. I forget how much fun we have when we're together. It was a good night!! Oh, there was this older guy behind us with his 12 year old girl friend and he was getting mad because we were standing. A lot happened leading up to this but basically my roommate said, "This is a concert NOT a Broadway show so F off!" HA HA, I love her. She has such balls to do that. She's right. I do feel badly when I stand but it's a freaking concert. I can't sit in my chair, I have to hop the whole time and dance. That's just who I am. I'm always told I can do what I want at her shows. Her tour manager said once before that he tells the ushers not to tell anyone to sit if they are standing.

Anyway, I need to get ready to go. I didn't clean the house but oh well. It's fine. I want to take a nap but I can't. I need to hide my FFJ so my rents don't find it. That would be bad!! I'll probably be freaking out later and need to blog again.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

First things first

No time to write about my 2 days in NYC because I have to get out how fucking fat I am right now. I'm loving it. I just got home and weighed myself and weigh way too much. UGH!! I'm pissed! I really wish I could just make myself throw up sometimes...the way normal people do it. (well, I guess "normal" people don't make themselves throw up. "Normal bulimic" people would be better.) I know, I really don't want to go down that road.

Now, let me continue being pissed. I haven't seen this number in a while and it needs to go away NOW! WTF!! Too bad I was feeling pretty good before I weighed myself, that just put a damper on the whole night. All I can really say is "What the F***??" I did just drink a lot of water so I hope that's part of it but I always lose weight when I go to NY, now I'm gaining weight?? That's completely unacceptable. I wish I could just never eat again! (and stay alive)

I'm so freaking tired. So that would make me fat and tired. Great combo! My parents come home tomorrow so I have to start eating dinner again. Wonderful!! Ugh!! I don't want food. I want to lose weight and I want to lose it now!! I just don't get it. Make it go away!! Why can't I just get skinny??

I really don't know what else to say. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh....

Maybe I'll write about NY tomorrow...

Friday, May 18, 2007

Bullet points

I need to sleep on the train.
I don't feel like talking to Charro.
I really don't want to see my "therapy friend." (the woman I've seen the past 3 times who always likes to talk to me. Um, I don't want to talk lady, not here!! She goes "do you work out in a gym or run?" Um, okay!)
I have cramps!
I'm tired (goes with sleeping on the train).
It's cold and rainy.
I'm going to hit up some shopping before Charro.
My feet are on the heating vent.
I didn't get skinny over night.
I'm sick of FFJing!!
I hope Charro doesn't try and get to me read from my FFJ again! Hate that!! I told her I can't read my handwriting.
I'm wearing my special knee socks. (blue and yellow)
My feet are going to hate me after I walk around in my honking boots.
I almost slipped and fell and killed myself last week on some slippery thing walking to Charros. Let's not let that happen today.
I can't remember what subway corner I came up on and that was the best exit.
I need to go get dressed now.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Fun-filled Friday

I'm heading back to NYC tomorrow to see Martina...and Charro. Yay for Martina!! I can't wait to see her though I just saw her less than a month ago. What can I say, I'm a huge fan. :)

I've been trying to find a restaurant to eat at for the past few days and can't find one. How is that possible in NYC? I don't know. I've been looking for a place that have healthy stir fry veggies with tofu. I've had no luck. So, I think I've switched over to Italian. What else is there?

I'm really tired and could fall asleep right now. I have a Sugarland song in my head and it won't get out. I'm doing laundry. I've weighed myself 4 times already today, frankly because I wanted to and I didn't care. I'm sick of these restrictions so I said F it! I'm weighing myself. Granted I didn't weigh myself the normal 40 times a day that I usually do but I will be stepping on the scale one more time this evening. I don't care. I'm fed up with it and I'm going to weigh myself dammit! So there! Guys can't go a minute without thinking about sex and I can't go a minute without weighing myself.

I really need to move to NY so I can lose weight. Okay, that's not the only reason why I want to move to NY but that's a part of it. :) It's a lot of fun there too. I need to find the perfect place. I want to find the perfect place. How can I find the perfect place? I need to look for a job too. I guess that's important.

I'm supposed to run 10 miles on Saturday with my friend but I don't think that will happen because the weather is going to be cold and rainy and crappy. That means I'll have to run 15 on Sunday with some peeps from my gym. I've never run that far before and I really don't want to but it's a challenge, something new for me so I want to do it. Plus, if I don't run on Saturday I won't workout, which means I will have the day off and my body will be ready for a 15 mile run. I'll probably only burn 2 calories during that run too. If I don't hit 1000, I'll be pissed!! I probably won't be able to move the rest of the day, or the next day, but we shall see.

I hate that I'm going to have to dress like it's winter again for the next few days. That sucks butts! I like summer. Besides, my summer clothes are lighter to carry in my bag. :)

I want to read the newspaper but my cat is sitting right here and I know he will sit on it. That little bugger.

So, I wanted to lose weight before going to see Charro tomorrow but that didn't happen. I don't know why I want to lose weight before I see her but I do. I need to. Ugh, why can't I just shed a few pounds. She better not give me any new challenges tomorrow or I will lose it. NO MORE assignments. She should tell me to workout more and eat less. That would be a good one.

So that's it. J.'s coming over again tonight. He tried to get me to not go to the gym this morning but that so didn't happen. He made me late which made me mad because I didn't get a good enough workout. He had his arm around me and wouldn't let me get out of bed. He was like "You're choosing the gym over me?" I was like "Yes!!"

Okay, Jen is calling me so I am going now.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Jen update and some other stuff

I just finished talking to Em and Jen is awake and wants to talk non-stop. Yeah. She's supposed to give me a call, according to her mom who told Em who told me. That news makes me SO HAPPY. I missed Jen and our daily chats. I'm so happy!!

Now onto other things. J. just got here so I don't know how much time I have to write. I think I just got tired actually. I feel really fat right now and just want to be skinny. I really hate this not weighing myself. (Have I mentioned that before?) :) Yeah, so I've weighed myself 3x already and that is supposed to be my limit but whatever. I guess it's better than 40x, right? Who's to say that once this challenge is over that I won't go back to weighing myself a million times a day?? I have a feeling that that's what's going to happen. I just hope Charro doesn't get any bright ideas to cut my weighing down more this week. I don't think she can because I haven't even hit her 3x/day goal yet.

I ate way too much today and I hate that. I wish I didn't have to eat. I don't want to. Well, I guess I do or I wouldn't be doing it. I just want to lose weight and be skinny. I need to run 8 miles tomorrow so my legs better be ready for it. I'll be pissed if they're not. They feel fine now but who knows what they'll feel like in the morning when they start moving.

American Idol is on.

I need my stomach to be concave, not convex. J's out of the shower so I need to go...

Nice try, J.

I was on the phone with J. last night (yeah, I finally had my bed to myself) and he was like "want me to stop by after work tomorrow night (tonight)? I was like, "I'll be here." Whatever. So then he was like, "What time are you waking up on Thursday?"

Me- "The same time I always do. Around 6:30. I need to be at the gym by 7."
J. - "You mean 7:15?"
Me- "No, 7 AM!"
J. - "Why don't you skip the gym on Thursday and we can go have breakfast? You need to take a day off."
Me - "I'm not skipping the gym! Plus, if I skip the gym I'm definitely not going out for breakfast."

Nice freaking try there J. I am going to the gym. When my alarm goes off I am waking up and hopping out of bed and doing what I do. There will be no time to lay there and "snuggle." I get up and I go. No time is allowed to be wasted. He always wants to snuggle. Um, I have things to do and we both have morning breath so let me get out of my bed and go pee and weigh myself, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth and get to the freaking gym.

I don't think I'll tell him that my parents are going away again in 2 weeks, that way I can have the house to myself. Clearly there is something wrong with this picture. Maybe I need to break up with him but that would kill him. Ugh. I like him but he's annoying the hell out of me for some reason. He never remembers a word I tell him, he's indecisive, he's late, and he wants to freaking snuggle all the time oh, and he totally messes up all my bedding. It all comes untucked and everything and that drives me insane. Oh, one more thing, he never cleans up his dishes or anything when he's here. I'm not your fucking maid. Throw away your water bottle, put you cup in the sink. SOMETHING!!

Okay, clearly I'm having some harsh feelings toward him today. I just want to be alone sometimes!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jen update

Just got an update from Em about Jen. She is off the ventilator, because she was fighting it and breathing on her own. They are going to let her wake up on her own. The doctor said her body is ready to be out of the coma and that being in the coma will make her a lot better.

Can I quit now?

Wow, two posts in an hour. That's a problem!

It seems that I get really fed up and frustrated with my "Charro assignments" after a few days. I am sick of not being able to weigh myself. I'm sick of writing down every morsel of food that goes into my mouth, actually, I think I've slacked a little bit on that anyway. I'm sick of eating. I'm sick of my body being tired these past few days. I'm sick of not being able to weigh myself. (I had to throw that one in there twice just for emphasis). I just want to stop eating and lose weight. Why is that so hard to do? I just want to lose a few pounds. Nothing crazy. I've already decided that I'm having a protein shake for dinner tonight. That's it, and an apple too. No more freaking food!! I hate food!! I can't eat because I can't weigh myself all the time. I have to be able to do that. I have to know what I weigh 24/7. It's a must.

I'm shot

My legs are exhausted. I went to the gym this morning will all the intentions of running at least 8 miles. Well, I made it 2.5 miles. My legs are so tired and I need a day off from working out but I won't let myself take one. I only worked out for 65 minutes today and burned like 3 calories. Not a good workout at all. I have no idea why I'm hungry right now either. What's up with that?? Makes no sense to me. Maybe I should just eat whatever the hell I want today and see what happens. Ha, like that will work. Then I'd have to weigh myself 100 times and I'm not allowed to do that. I only have one more time allotted to me. That one time has to last me another 13 hours. Oh dear!

I think I'll make some tea. I hope my body feels better and ready to workout tomorrow.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Food sucks!

I just ate dinner. Can I throw up now?? At least let me weigh myself then!!! Although, throwing up would be much more effective. Maybe I should just go run 100 miles.

The lingo

I am unwilling "sitting with" my feelings and am a little "ambivalent" about the whole "process." I am being highly "encouraged," however, to further "explore" and "challenge" what the "eating disorder behavior" does for me. I am not supposed to succomb to the "ED voices" but I kind of like listening to them. Perhaps this is something we can discuss in our next "session." Winky 2

I miss "Bertha"

I'm taking a little break. I really want to go weigh myself right now but I can't. I don't know if I'm going to make it with the 3 weigh-in rule today. I only have one more whammy left. I miss "Bertha," (scale)

My workout kind of stunk today. My body was so tired and my back was sore from kick boxing. I ran for 30 minutes at a much slower than normal speed. I only ran three miles. Then I did the elliptical with the arms for 30 minutes and then rode the bike for 15-20 minutes. My body was just shot. I had forgotten that I went rollerblading last night on top of working out yesterday, though rollerblading doesn't count as anything but fun. I'm hoping that tomorrow I can do a nice long run. We'll see how my body feels. Saturday I'm doing 10 miles so that will be good. Maybe I'll burn some calories.

I've been thinking about Jen all day and hoping that things are going okay for her. I don't know how long she's going to be in the coma. It's pretty scary to think about. I was talking to her last night and she was having so much trouble breathing. She finally got to the point where she couldn't really breathe at all and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I did hear her say, "I can't breath and the doctors are coming in. I need to go." I wished her luck and hung up. Poor thing was so scared, rightfully so. So, keep her in your thoughts.

You'd think seeing all this happen would knock some sort of sense into me and wake me up. Apparently it hasn't. I wonder what it will take.

I still want to lose weight. Charro wants my weight to "stabilize" or she wants me to gain weight. (That will NOT be happening any time soon). Funny, I didn't know my weight was unstable. It's not!! The only instability I have is the ability to keep it where I want it. That's why I have to just not eat. I'm glad I'm not hungry right now. :) Yeah!

Okay, that's enough of a break.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Update on Jen

I just talked to Emily and am about to call Jen. They are going to put her in a drug induced coma for a few days, and on a ventilator so that her body has time to rest. If this is all new to you check out Jen's blog which Em has updated.

Sunny Mother's Day

It's a sunny Mother's day and I have no obligations because my mommy is away so I guess that means that I have to lay out and then go rollerblading later. :)

I went to NYC on Friday for my appointment with Charro. It was fine. Yesterday I did Self Magazine's Workout in the Park with a couple of friends. It was a perfect day, weather-wise. We had fun and had had enough by the end of the day. It was good to just get goofy with the girls.I have to say, I'm a little sore from kickboxing because I haven't done that in a looooong time. I love when I'm sore.

I got home and crashed last night. I woke up this morning and went to the gym. I couldn't decided whether I should go for a 12 mile run outside with some people or go to the gym. Good thing I opted for the latter because my body was pretty tired. I did end up running outside and it felt good, I could have kept going but my friend had to stop. So that's that. My cat is now rubbing against me like crazy. I think he needs some lovin'.

So, Charro didn't have my FFJ with her to give back to me and I had to give her my other one. So, I tried to get out of writing this week but she wouldn't have that. I told her that I could be on vacation from the FFJ but she didn't like that idea. She said, "I need to really see two weeks of this so I can see a pattern." I said, "this is your two weeks. See, I don't need to do it anymore." That didn't go over well either. (she didn't get mad at me. She was just like "nice try.") I so love that I can mess with her and joke around. So she told me to write things on paper and then we could "paste them in the FFJ." Oooh, and art project. HA HA!! Then she asked what "FFJ" stood for. I told her and she said "Oh, I thought it stood for 'blank food journal.'" I laughed. Actually it might turn out to stand for that sooner or later.

Anyway, I need to get my white ass outside so it can remain white because my bikini will be covering it up. :)

Friday, May 11, 2007

Caught in the act

J. came over last night. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, doing my usual thing. I hopped on the scale and J. walked in and caught me weighing myself. Clearly, he already knows that I have a little bit of a scale issue. He was like "I can't believe you're weighing yourself." Then he was like "I want to weigh myself. Will you move your scale for me? I don't dare touch it." So, I moved it and was like "let me see if it still says the same number." It didn't and neither of them were good anyway. So he weighed himself and then I proceeded to weigh myself about 5 or 6 more times until he yelled (not really yelled) at me and said "I'm going home if you weigh yourself one more time." I was like "I need to see if it's right. I can't weigh this much." Meanwhile, he was happy with what I weighed because it was higher than what it was. I HATED IT and it bothered me the rest of the night. I was pretty tempted to see if he would have left if I weighed myself again. I did manage to escape one more time and weigh myself and the number sucked!

So stupid "Bertha" is not cooperating and is giving freaking readings all over the board. WTF?? I mean it was jumping 3 pounds. How the heck am I supposed to know what number is right?? I guess this would be why I'm not supposed to be weighing myself. It's driving me insane though. Ugh!

I'm off to NY for an appointment with Charro and "Workout in the Park" tomorrow. Four hours of aerobics!! Wooo hoooo!! I better burn some major calories doing that!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

What's for dinner?

I'm trying to figure out what to make for dinner tonight. I don't really want anything but I guess I need to eat something. I don't really have much here and I don't feel like cooking. I guess I don't feel like cooking anything because then I'll eat it. I could make pasta fagioli but then I'll eat it. Plus, I won't be here to eat anything tomorrow or Saturday so why bother making something. I bought a ton of spinach the other day, I could make that but I'm not in the mood. I could make an egg white omelet but I suck at making omelettes. They never come out right. That is one thing that I need to order from somewhere and not cook myself. Usually I'm pretty decent in the kitchen. I could have a protein shake, which is sounding more and more like something I'll end up having. There's always yogurt too, air-popped popcorn, veggies, cereal, an apple. Oh, the options are endless. I usually love cooking, and J. will want to eat later too, but I'm not going to cook. Again, cooking = eating and I don't need to do that really. Eh, we'll see I guess.

I think I'm leaning towards a protein shake. I love how I'm totally thinking on paper right now. I'm a little indecisive, or ambivalent...if you will. ;)

I just want to get my weight down.

I'm still waiting for baby pics too. Come on people!! (brother)

It's a girl!

In honor of my new writing.

She was born this morning, via a scheduled c-section.

I can't wait for some pictures. :)

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Same as usual

All I really have to say is...I'm fat!!!

I need to not eat anymore!!

Payback's a bitch!

Is "payback" one word or two???

I think "Bertha" (ha, I laugh everytime I refer to my scale as a human being) is getting back at me for neglecting her over the past few days. She has now decided to play mind games with me be giving me numbers all over the board.

I hopped on the scale this afternoon and I was like no way, I weight that? (In a good way). So I stepped on one more time and it was the same. I stepped on again, because I didn't believe it and it was higher. Stepped on a 4th and 5th time, the same. Put my shorts on and stepped on again and it was over a pound higher. I knew my shorts didn't weigh that much so I took them off and stepped on again and it was the same. Did that a few times and then put my shorts back on, all the same number. So, I went from loving what my weight was to being 2. 4 pounds more than the first weigh in. WTF?? Not loving that at all. At least I'm still under 100. I need to be low in order to wake up at a low weight and I'm not at the weight I want to be at right now. I hate that. As long as I don't eat dinner I'll be okay. If anything, I'll have some veggies that I made for my late lunch. So, technically I don't really need to eat dinner because I ate lunch at 2:30 and have been snacking a little. Who needs food anyway? Not I. Okay, so maybe I do a little.

I got a good workout this morning. I ran, not far, but hard. A fast 4 miles and then I taught a boot camp class. I cranked the treadmill up to 10.0 (6 min. mile), though I didn't stay at that speed for more than 2 minutes. It was good though.

As I was teaching class, I was mingling with the ladies in there, as we were doing some fun intervals, and one said to me, "You look like you've lost weight." I responded with "I do??" and she said, "Yes" and pointed to my neck area. I told her that it must be because I'm tan. Ha! You look thinner when you're tan.

Oh, so I guess I failed my scale challenge today. I did weigh myself less than usual though, so I guess that's something. I need to keep my weight in check somehow and that's the way to do it.

I'm watching my nephews right now, but they're watching cars. Tomorrow I will become an aunt again. My bro's wife is having a baby. Don't know what they're having though. I can't wait to find out. Too bad they live so far away. :(

I thought there was something else I wanted to say but I can't remember.

This isn't working for me

I think I'm done with this not weighing myself thing, well at least for today. I gain weight when I don't weigh myself and that is totally unacceptable. I am NOT going to gain weight. Okay, so it was like half a pound but I don't care. Who's to say that it won't end up being 5 pounds. This is why I have to weigh myself.

I was thinking about quitting the challenge completely, but that wouldn't be good. What would be the point if I don't even try. I've been trying and I've seen the results so I am making today a "weigh myself as many times as I want" day. Maybe I'll have a change of heart and try and control my weigh-ins, but right now I'm not thinking that. I really do want to try though. So far I've been doing okay with it.

I gotta run. Work calls! More to come later.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Step away from the scale

I totally forgot, until I just went into my bathroom, that my parents weighed their luggage on my scale today. AHHH!! They MOVED my scale!! I was on the way to the gym when my mom called and asked how much their luggage was allowed to weigh. I told her and she said, "good, we're at 48.6 lbs." My thought, AHHH, THEY MOVED MY SCALE AND MESSED WITH IT NOW IT WILL BE ALL WRONG!!! I just had to test it out to see if it was okay.

The "FFJ"

I'm filling up my FFJ quite rapidly. Thanks Jen!! It's a good thing you sent me one. Too bad my handwriting is absolutely horrendous and Charro probably won't be able to read any of it. Seriously, it's really bad!! Doesn't help that my stupid thumb still hurts. One would think it would have healed after 3+ months. Oh well, it doesn't really hurt a lot at all, just shouldn't be able to feel it at all.

So yeah, I guess I'm starting to believe that I actually do have an eating disorder (call the newsroom), though lots of times I still don't believe it. I guess having Charro tell me all the time that I have one is making it somewhat believable. I cringe every time I hear the eating disorder, it's the illness, the anorexia. I'm like, "ew I don't have an illness, and anorexia, um, I don't think so." The best was what she said the other day. Now, we've all heard the "battle going on inside your head" saying, especially if you've seen "For the Love of Nancy," the Tracey Gold movie. (One of my favorites I might add). But Charro came out with this one: "There's a war going on in your head and the anorexia has more troops fighting." That was classic. I looked at her with this look and she was like "I don't know where all these war analogies are coming from." We both laughed about it. Thank God she has a sense of humor and (so far) has been able to put up with mine. I feel so comfortable with her now and can totally be myself, which is a good thing. That's key.

As for the weighing myself challenge; I've only weighed myself one time today so far. Well, I stepped on and off the scale 4 times but really it was only 1 weigh-in. I'm just trying to stay away from my upstairs bathroom so I don't weigh myself. I have a feeling it might happen soon though because I have to go change my clothes.

Oh, I just thought of something, now that my rents are away I can have an ED movie marathon. Yes!! I can watch them all, not that I don't have them all memorized. Eh, it's all good. Yay! Freedom for almost two weeks!! Yay!!

J's coming over after work tonight and I am making him pancakes for dinner. :) Yay!! I made syrup and I want him to try it. It's the same syrup that I love so much from that place in Nashville. It's too bad that I don't eat pancakes. Oh well.

Okay, I'm done with this for now. I need to work, find a job, find an apartment, and get a life. Oh, I still want to win the lottery. Maybe if I say that everyday it will happen. Of course, that would require me buying a ticket!!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Clearly, that's not gonna work

My dad is eating and the sound of his chewing is driving me insane. I just need to be alone!!! I hate chewing noises and he's so loud. I can't take it.

So I just talked to my boss about moving to NYC and keeping my job. Apparently he doesn't like that idea and doesn't think it will work out. So, where does that leave me? I guess I'm either jobless in NYC or I have a job and continue to live here. Seems that both of those options suck. This isn't even what I want to do with my life but it is the easiest job in the world and my boss is really cool. I would like to find a job that I want to do, and one that possibly pays a decent amount. What I don't want to do is end up sitting in an office all day. I would go completely insane.

So now I'm in a depressed mood. Gotta love that. My contacts are killing me and I don't feel like working. How's that working out for me? Great, huh? At least my dad has finished eating!


The restrictions I have being placed on me are piling up and I'm not really enjoying it too much. Okay, let's be honest here, I'm not enjoying it at all.

First we have the workout restrictions: I'm supposed to cut down 3 of my workouts a week to only 75 minutes a day. (a little compromise I made with Charro). Okay, so that's do-able on the days when I have to leave the gym because of work, but those other days when I have the time to workout longer, it's not so do-able. I can do that that. It's fine. Okay, maybe not "fine" but "okay." It has to be acceptable because I have no other choice if I have to go to work.

It's the weighing thing that's killing me. I've weighed myself once (twice if you count getting on and off and on and off, but I think that only counts as one time) and I am only supposed to weigh myself 2 more times today. TWO???!!! Um, how am I supposed to go from weighing myself like 15 times a day to 3?? Someone please enlighten me. All I can think about right now is how I want to go weigh myself. Come on, is it really that damaging for me to go step on this little piece of metal and glass?? I don't see the problem here. It's not like it's taking extra time out of my day. It's right there next to the toilet. Taking five extra seconds to weigh myself isn't a big deal. It's just a scale. It won't bite. In 12 hours I'm only supposed to weigh myself two more times. That would mean I'd have to "weight" (ha) until 4 pm to weigh myself again and that is so not happening. I don't want to "sit with this" either. Why can't I just go step on my scale and relieve my anxiety? Seems like a much better solution to me.

Okay, so I think these restrictions are making me want to restrict, which is fine with me. I don't really care at this point. I'm sure I'll end up eating just as much as I normally do though. But hey, if I end up eating less then that is fine with me. I don't care. If I don't know what the scale says then I don't know what I can eat so therefore I just shouldn't eat. It's safer that way.

With that said, my parents leave for almost two weeks tomorrow. YAY!!! Yay for me not having to eat dinner every night. YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!!

I'm done ranting now.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

My weekend in NYC (part 2)

I'm back. I went to NY on Friday and now I'm here. I looked for apartments and had no luck. I walked 100 blocks on Friday, which is a nice thing. YEAH!!! That was on top of my crappy workout that I had that morning because my stomach hurt all day and I felt weird, like I'm going to pass out weird, but not really pass out. You know?? I've never passed out before and I didn't think I was going to then either. I just felt funny.

Saturday G. and I went for a 9 mile run. It was so beautiful out. We left the house at 9:30 in the morning and didn't get home until 1 AM. Granted we came back to shower and then left to go to lunch, came back for 2 seconds to pick up stuff, went shopping and apartment hunting, came back for 2 seconds to get other stuff and left again, then came back to change and then left to go to dinner and out karaoking. We were exhausted by the end of the day. Heck, I'm exhausted now. We danced like crazy last night so I'm hoping that I burned off some of those 9 million calories that I ate for dinner. Ugh, that sucked. I ate way too much and felt like doody after.

Now I'm home and I can't really remember what else I was going to write about but this is enough for now. I just wrote 2 posts in a row, the other is below this one, because I didn't want to combine them both.

I need to go to bed early tonight!!

Thank you, Jen! (and appt. with Charro)

I went to NYC on Friday for my appointment with Charro, I'll get into that in a minute, but when I got home from my appointment I had a package waiting for me from Jen. It was an "FFJ." (food and feelings journal). It wasn't just any ole "FFJ" it had nice notes from all you guys!!! Yeah. I want to thank you all individual but I don't have some of your email addresses so I will thank you here. Loved your notes, guys!! Thanks, Jen, Ohio Jen, Sfark, AE, FF, P-Dawg, Soledad and Mama V. You guys said the nicest things and it made me so happy. Jen, you're awesome...a great friend! You guys really made my day and will make journaling a little less painful!! I love ya all!!!

Now onto my appointment. It was good. We're both starting to joke around with each other more, which is really good. The bad thing is that she wants me to cut back my weighing. Okay, she was like "how about you just weigh yourself once a week?" Okay, I'm sure you can all figure out how I reacted to that one. I think my jaw fell to the floor...the bottom floor and we were on 9. I was like "that is impossible! I can't go from weighing myself 85 times a day to once a week!!! NOT happening!!!" After much discussing we "agreed" (again, I was not in agreement on this) to me weighing myself only three times a day. Ha, I have NO idea how that's going to work out for me. My guess is not well since I've been home for 5 minutes and weighed myself twice already. Wonderful. Charro was like "Why don't you bring Bertha (my scale) here so I can get rid of her?" I was like, "She's a little to heavy to carry on the train."

Okay, first of all let's talk about the fact that I love that I've named my scale Bertha. I think it's absolutely hysterical. Who names there scale? I never heard of that before until Charro asked me if I had a name for mine. I laughed at her and was like "No," but then I thought it was so funny that I named mine. What the hay, right?

I didn't leave completely stressed out this time. No need for "PTT" which is a good thing for everyone!! :)

Okay, now I have to write about the rest of my weekend in another post.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Another 3 AM wake-up call

I was woken up at 3:08 AM today. Not because I was stressing out about therapy and stuff, but because my cat was retching. I looked over at her and picked her up and threw her down on the floor. I thought she puked on my floor but I found out, when I woke up, that she hadn't. She made it downstairs to the tile in the hall. Yeah, for hitting the tile!!

I went to the gym and I so didn't want to go. I got there and hopped on the treadmill. I so didn't want to be on the treadmill either. I realized that my legs were tired and my hip flexor was really tight. I figured I'd last 2 miles and then go on something else. Well, 7 miles later I decided to call it quits. I ran slower than normal but was able to make it 7 miles because one of my fellow instructors came on the treadmill next to me and talked the whole time. Thanks B! :) Yeah!! Then I rode the bike for a little bit before leaving to meet J. for coffee.

We were supposed to meet at D & D's but I called him and told him to grab his coffee and meet me down by the water, since it was so nice out. We hung out on the rocks for over an hour. It was nice. He's heading out of town tonight so he wanted to see me before he left. Worked out perfectly.

We got into some serious conversations while we were there. He asked me if I had a bad self-image. I laughed. We talked about how much I weigh and he was like "you weighed 102 lbs when met you and now you're 97 lbs. What's going on?" I told him I lost weight while I was in NY for two weeks. He didn't buy that one. He asked me if I weigh myself everyday and I said yes. He doesn't know that I weigh myself several times a day. He told me to not weigh myself and I told him that I couldn't. He said he was going to come steal my scale and I told him that that would NOT be a good idea and he would not want to see that side of me. It wouldn't be pretty. He said something about therapy and was like "I've never been to a psychologist" and I said "me neither." He said, "really? I thought you would have gone." What the heck does that mean?? I told him that I hadn't but that I was going to have my friend find me one to go see in NYC. Ha, little does he know that that's already happened. He told me that I don't need one but I told him that I'm going to go anyway. :) This should be interesting. I actually don't care if he knows as long as he doesn't tell anyone else. He obviously doesn't know about Charro.

So, that was that. He left and went to work and I came home and went to work. Now I'm here.

I have a knot the size of Arizona in my trap. Probably not stress related. ;) Ha!! Oh yeah, J said something to me about moving in with him a few days ago.

I'm supposed to go out to dinner with a friend tonight but I haven't heard from her. Then I am going karaoking. Yeah!! I love singing. Hopefully it will be a good time. At some point in time I had to get dressed and head into the office. I'm in my bikini right now and I don't really think that that's appropriate office attire. :)

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Some humor for the evening

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with Charro, and I think she's (hopefully) feeling more comfortable with me. We had, what to me, was a very funny mini dialogue last week. It went something like this.

Me- It never crossed my mind to name my scale until you brought it up. So, in honor of you I've named my scale "Bertha."

C- You and Bertha need to break up!!

Me- Ha! Bertha and I are tight!

I don't know why I found that so humorous, but I did. It keeps me laughing. Hey, laughter is important...Especially in therapy!!

Bloody nose, the vet, & comments from mom

It's 11:50 AM and it's been a fun filled day already. I woke up and went to the gym and worked out and then taught a class. Class was good, fun and we got a good workout. Well, I hope they got a good workout.

Came home and showered. Now, this is where my talents really come out. I went to go wash my hair and managed to stick my pinkie right up my nose. Now, I have a long pinkie nail so jabbing it into my nose didn't feel too pretty. I managed to give myself a bloody nose too. Wonderful. Ironically enough, I've actually had this happen to me once before. I'm so talented!! I also managed to cut myself while shaving my legs too. So, I had a bloody nose and a bloody ankle.

Got out of the shower and had to bring my cats to the vet. That is always a process. I managed to get them both in the carrier without too much trouble. Poor kids were so stressed out. :( We made it through though. Yeah for my kids!! They're going to love the car ride to NYC when I move!

Now I'm here. Still at the weight I was at yesterday morning, which is a beautiful thing. I was awake from 3 AM until about 4:30 this morning. That sucked. I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I remember thinking, I don't want to open my eyes. I'm sooooo tired. Wouldn't ya know that I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep. Wonderful. I started stressing out about how much money it is costing me to see Charro. Ugh!! I can't deal with that. I need to win the lotto!

So now I'm tired and need to do work. Fun, fun, fun. They were just talking about EDs on The View.

Oh, I forget the other eventful "vet" moment. My mom came with me. I got up and when I came back she said "you look just as skinny as your sister." Great, thanks mom. Then she asked "Have you been losing weight?" My answer: "I don't know. Maybe I lost a little while I was in NY from walking around." She goes "in one day?" I said, "no, when I was there for two weeks" and then preceded to change the topic very quickly! Don't need those chats with momma!

That's it for now.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I'd rather be standing

I don't even know what to say that hasn't already been said in my 75 posts over the past two days. I do know that I'm cold and need to shower.

Okay, so I'm still stressed out and I don't know why. Okay, I do know why but I said that all last night. I really do feel like I've failed and that I'm going to let Charro down.

I'm also stressed because I only worked out for 75 minutes and only burned 450 calories and now I'm trying to fucking "sit with that." I hate sitting. I'd rather be standing, rollerblading, dancing. Actually, maybe I should go play my drums. That might help. I do need to do some work though.

I burned 900 calories yesterday. 900!!! That's twice as many as today. That means that today sucks. (workout wise).

Part of me thinks that I'm getting worse. I'm stressed. I've lost weight (which will probably come back in an hour. It was only one pound), but I weigh the least I've ever weighed. That's both exciting and scary to me. What if I can't stop? What if I've lost control? What if I gain it back? What if I end up really sick? I don't want any of those things, but which do I want the least? It's so hard! It sucks and I don't like it!!! (do I sound like I'm 4 years old?)

I just want to scream!!! (my nephews will say "I screamed" after they scream. It's actually quite humorous. My sister and my response is always "that's nice.")